Thank you to all my regular readers and those that stopped by to comment for ICLW for the kind and supportive responses to my last post. It might not seem like it, but having all of you out there really does help. Even when you say things like "nothing I say will make it better", it makes it a little better. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my suffering. I'm not alone in all these feelings that I have. It also reminds me how the people IRL have no idea what we go through and how we hide it. That's a sad truth that I still don't understand. I don't understand why I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about my "condition". There are millions of women that suffer like this right along with me. I have seen the cover of People magazine this week with Celine opening up about her IVF troubles. I have debated about whether or not I want to buy it. I like her as she has always come across as a very nice person. She finally had a son by IVF but I didn't know she has been still trying. I don't think she was ever secretive about her struggles with IF. I remember reading and hearing about it years ago. I think I may pick it up later today and see what she has to say.
So AF actually showed up in force this morning, cramps and all. I had the slightest bit of spotting yesterday. I told BJ that if this were a few years ago when I was younger and dumber that I would have totally wasted money POAS. But being older and wiser, I now know better than to do that. I'm super tired, which is normal and the 3 motrin I took have diminished my cramps. The positive that I'm going to bring out of this is that I had a 28 day cycle. Not my normal 26 day cycle but given my history of crazy cycles since my IVF, I'm going to take this as a good sign. And by starting pretty much on time, this won't interfere with my annual exam next week AND if everything holds steady, I'll be fertile on the weekend. Although it will be a weekend that we have the Little Guy, it's still the weekend which in and of itself makes it easier to get freaky.
I almost started crying watching American Idol last night. There's a contestant on there that missed the birth of his first child, a daughter, due to his desire to be on the show. It was emotional for him during try outs and they are following his story closely. I almost cried because I want a child to do things for. I want a child to strive to make a good life for. It was silly to get all worked up over it, but my PMS hormones were in full swing. It passed quickly, thank goodness, but it still stung.
And speaking of almost crying while watching TV...I can't believe that the Russian defense didn't show up for yesterday's game against Canada. My Ovie against their Crosby and unfortunately, Crosby's team came out on top. I so wanted the Russians to advance to the semis. I have nothing against Canada...I have actually pulled for their athletes in many of the events...just not hockey. Because I.can't.stand.Crosby. He's one of those players that just rubs me the wrong way. I don't deny his talent...I just wish I could body check him and put him in his place. There are other Russian players that I like besides Ovie...my long lost Gonchar and Federov...and yes, even Malkin. I wish he were on our team. I'll move on because I could talk hockey all day...
Here's to hoping for a short and non-torturous visit from AF this cycle. And here's to making a decision about what to do at my annual exam next week...ask for Clomid or stay mum? I just don't want to give myself false hope any more than I already do and that's what the Clomid will do for me. That and it might make me a loony bird for a few days as it sometimes can. Whatever I decide, I will do it with conviction and determination.