Thursday, April 9, 2015

The A-ha Moment

I’ve been wondering why it’s been so hard for me to come here and write.  I used to write a lot.  It’s so helpful to write.  It’s my own version of therapy.  I would venture to say that a lot people that have a “life” blog are better at expressing themselves through writing than any other method of communication.  That statement holds true for me.  I’ve always been this way and I don’t think I will ever change.  When I try to verbalize my feelings I get choked up and overcome with emotion and I tend to not say the whole truth.  When I write, it all comes out.  I spill my emotions onto the page in front of me and then I hit “publish” and I feel better.  I also feel a little trepidation at what people will think of me.  I’m always worried that someone will think badly of me or misunderstand my words and get angry with me.  I guess another personality trait I have is to try and please everyone.

It recently dawned on me that I haven’t been here much because it hurts to come here.  It hurts just as much to try and write through my feelings and thoughts as it does to verbalize them.  I’ve been hiding my emotions for so long that I don’t know how to break through the wall and let myself feel again.  I still have plenty of feelings but I don’t let others see them very often.  Of course I let everyone see me smile and laugh.  No one gets to see me sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, scared, and angry or any of the other emotions that could be construed as negative.  Because after all, what could I possibly have to feel negative about, right?

I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread (and a 5mg Lexapro every morning) and if I open the gates I will fall into a depression like no other I have ever experienced.  I’m scared of being swept away by a flood of pent up pain, anxiety, fear, anger and failure.

I need to write but I’m scared to.  I’m scared to voice the negative and give it life on the outside.  As long as it’s stuffed way down deep it doesn’t have a chance at over taking me.  I have control over what I write even though I don’t feel like there is much more in my life that I can control.  So my rationale is that if I don’t write it then I don’t have to feel it.  What a vicious circle I live in.

I thought I could come here and write about the positive things (because there are a LOT of positive things) that happen(ed) but I feel sort of fake and disingenuous if I don’t write the truth.  So I haven’t really been writing.

I’m also concerned about my daughter’s and my family’s privacy.  I’ve been so open about things here that anyone that knows me IRL would be able to figure out that it’s me.  If they can figure out that’s it’s me then of course they know who Baby Girl is.  I never really thought about how my writing could affect the Little Guy because most of my past life details won’t really affect him.  However, Baby Girl is a different story.  I am her mother and what I write has the potential to affect her in the future.  She is related to the family that I write about and while I don’t care much about the details I’ve shared, she may.

I’m hoping to regain my strength to write and face my emotions.  Until I do, you may still see some time lapsed posts rolling through your blog feed.  Thank you for sticking with me.


Rebecca said...

I can understand how you feel. Choosing to do the donor eggs and then talking about it after being successful is a different story. Who do you tell? My husband and I have decided to be very open about it with our daughter and our families.

Noemi James said...

I absolutely understand the cycle you're in. I've been in a similar cycle, of not wanting to grapple with the hard stuff because then I'll have to feel all the feelings and it's just hard. I'm too tired to do that kind of work at the end of the day. I just can't bring myself to do it.

I hope you find a way to write that feels good for you. We'll be here whenever that happens.

someday-soon said...

Big (((hugs))) Maybe you can give a voice to the good and the bad and it would help you feel a balance? Look forward to hearing more when you're ready.

Geochick said...

((Hugs)). I get it. There's stuff I want to write about too and I can't.

Mrs. Agony said...

I totally get what you're saying. If someone who knows me IRL came across my blog they could probably figure out that it's me. But then again, maybe they wouldn't. I know for me, writing - even about the negative - really helps me to manage my anxiety. Somehow getting it out is just really healing. So it's worth the risk, at least for now.

:: hugs ::

Augusta said...

I'm sorry it took me so long to comment, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I am here to support you. I think it's ok to give yourself time, and let your writing and emotional expression take shape the way it will. You don't need to force yourself: when you need to, you will write and/or express your emotions in any way that feels workable for you.
I really like this post because I see it as picking up a thread of the wound up emotions you have and starting to tug at it gently. You know you can't keep bottling things up, and you are considering your options for how you want to open yourself up. Not easy to be vulnerable to others, but equally hard sometimes to be vulnerable to ourselves. You can trust in yourself, though. You are a very strong and wise woman.