Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's Been a Long Time

Sorry for my absence. I have about 6 posts running around in my head but I just don’t have the desire to type them all out. I don’t have the desire for much lately. I’ve been reading blogs sporadically and commenting even less. I’m a sucky support system lately. I apologize for that.


I think the realization of what my situation is has finally started to hit home. For a while I was hopeful that I could find a way to come up with the money for donor eggs. That was definitely a fruitless endeavor. I don’t have a money tree and I’m not going to put my current family in dire straits by taking out a loan on my 401k that would result in a $550 a month payment. We don’t have enough equity in our house for a loan or a refinance option. I don’t have $30,000 worth of stuff to sell on eBay. I’m out of ideas. I’m out of hope.

I have some really great things to write about, like my nephew came and spent a few days with us and it was pure bliss...exhausting, but wonderful. I’ll write about the visit another time. It would also make more sense to all of you if I explained his situation so that is a post for another day.

Right now, I’m about to start my period and I’m really pissed and angry and bitter about it. I should be scheduled for my 20 week scan this week. Instead, I’m starting another cycle. This will be the case until I hit menopause. I will just keep having periods until the rest of my body decides to catch up with my ovaries and stops working altogether. I really fucking hate this.

There have been a couple of BFP’s in blogs that I read. I’m happy for these women as they have struggled for years to get this far. I’m also hoping that their betas continue to rise as they should. While I’m happy for them, I’m sad for me. I know most of you can understand that, at least I hope you can. I felt their happiness once before, albeit for a short time, but I had it...and then I didn’t. I miss that happiness. I miss that hope. I hope that they continue to progress and in 8.5 months hold their baby(ies) in their arms. I just want it to be me. Oh, and another blogger just posted her adoption story and it brought me to tears. I know how much she struggled and suffered to bring that beautiful baby boy home and I couldn’t be happier for her. Again, I just wish I could feel that much happiness.

I wanted to make a round of phone calls this week and let everyone know that we were team pink or team blue. However, these cramps and this spotting have reminded me once again, that those types of phone calls will never be made from my phone.

I’ve been feeling very down lately and I didn’t want to come here and be negative which is why I’ve stayed away for so long. Sometimes I just need to release all the negative emotions and this is pretty much the only place I have to do that. Although, I’m finding it difficult to put anything coherent together and to convey my feelings properly without sounding like a mental case.

I can’t believe that I really won’t ever be pregnant...that I won’t ever have a child and that I won’t ever be a mother. I know I have the Little Guy, but he already has his mother so I just get to step in every once in a while and “play” mommy. It sucks. And it sucked sending my nephew back to my sister. I just want a child that I love as my own to call me mom. I’m always left empty handed and it just doesn’t feel right. I have so much love to give and so many maternal feelings that I never really thought I wouldn’t be a mom. I guess God just had other plans for me. He obviously wants me to be happy with the smidgeon of parenting that I get to do while the “real” moms get all the devotion and love. Whatever. It’s no use crying about it, right? Crying never changed anything anyway.

It is what it is and I guess it’s finally sinking in. I’m not going to be a mom...ever. There it is, the final statement. Maybe this is rock bottom? I hope so because I don’t know how I could feel any worse. I’m hoping that I can find a way to rebuild and refocus my life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there, but it’s still too far away for me to see it.

I apologize for the dark and dreary post but I have to let some of this out before I explode. I promise to be a better reader and commenter as you all have shown me nothing but understanding and support and you deserve the same in return.

18 comments:

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

(Hugs) I am so sorry about all the pain and heartbreak you are having to endure. Some days I feel like I'm living in that metlife commercial (you know, the one with snoopy and every thing has the letters "if" on them in big letters), where I'm constantly being surounded by reminders that I'm infertile and that I can't have what others get so easily, and for free. I hate that money is the only reason we don't already have a baby in our arms. I hate the financial strain I put on my husband, I hate what we have had to go through and have nothing to show for it. Some days are deffinetly harder than others, but taking it one day, one moment, at a time seems to help. I hope you find your happiness soon, you deserve it=)

A said...

I have been wondering about how you are doing these days. I am so glad you came and updated, even if it isn't all roses and sunshine. I think 99% of everyone who has struggled with infertility knows exactly what you mean when you say that you are happy for so-and-so (there are a few people who, it seems, completely forget that they ever struggled), but sad for yourself. The emotions associated with seeing others move on while your arms are still empty are so complex, and "happy for you but sad for me" is the best shot at describing them. You are still in my prayers, that God will soon show you how He's going to take your heartache and turn it around... (HUG)

Rebecca said...

Looking back on what could have been is never easy. Looking forward to what you have and counting those small blessings sometimes helps. Its going to take some time to heal the hurt that life had dealt you. Collect your thoughts and find a focus to help you get through the pain and in the end you'll find your happy is what I do when life turns sour.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jem said...

Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Of course it's okay for you to air out all the negative feelings. It's YOUR blog, after all. IF isn't a sunny, happy journey, by definition.

You need plenty of time to mourn. I'll be wearing a virtual black arm band and shake my fist at the heavens for the heartache and shout, "Why!!??"

someday-soon said...

It's so good to see you {{{HUGS}}} I'm so sorry you're in a dark place right now and I wish I had something to say that would help. Please don't stay away from your blog because you don't want to be negative...it's your blog and your outlet for whatever you are feeling. Lots of PTs coming your way...and more HUGS!

Willow said...

I'm so sorry :( You are a mom to Little Guy, but I know you have so much more maternal love to give. Not to be the person who says "why don't you just...", but what about embryo adoption? When I looked into it, it was much cheaper than DE. Or adoption--ours was $18,000 but with the tax credit that's $6000 (& luckily DH's work had an adoption credit that covered the rest). I know that's still a lot of money, but it's less at least, and your love for your stepson makes me think you might have a heart for adoption. I totally understand wanting to be off the rollercoaster, but it sounds like you aren't ready to stop your journey to motherhood just yet. Either way, wishing you brighter days ahead! Thinking of you!

mommyodyssey said...

Stop apologizing for sharing your feelings. This is what this space is for. Don't stay away for so long next time. Incoherence is not only tolerated, but welcome.
I wish I could say something to comfort you. But I know there aren't any magic words to do that. Just sending you huge hugs from across the ocean!
xoxo

Pie said...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down, but it is totally understandable. I wish things were different for you, I wish it with all my heart. I hope these virtual (((((((HUGS)))))))) warm your heart just a little, and know I am always here to read and support you, no matter how crap you may be feeling.

callmemama said...

It's always hard to write when you feel so happy, but most of the time getting it all out there is exactly what you need.
So sorry things are so tough lately. I hate that anyone has their access to parenthood limited by financial reasons :(.
(hugs)

Fran said...

I'm so so sorry you feel this low. Of course, it's completely understandable, I just wish this wasn't the end of your dreams. I'm holding you in my heart. Love, Fran

Elphaba said...

I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better. Just know I'm sending you tons of virtual hugs. No one should have to ask themselves these questions and deal these emotions. It's just not fair.

infertile days said...

Vent away - this is the best place to do it! It seems like there's always someone with a similar situation which is somewhat comforting even though we never wish it on anyone. Its not fair that we want something so life changing and important so badly and don't get it while it is so easy for others(especially teenagers - so damn frustrating!)
I am not at the point of 'giving up' yet. If there comes a day for me that I decide to stop trying (which I thought of a few times), the only thing I think could eventually find some peace in is knowing I did all I could do. That is all you can ask of yourself. I have sometimes thought that the people who are giving up, are actually just moving on. When I think of giving up, that's me deciding to diet Monday and eat a donut on Tuesday. I gave up before I gave it a chance. Someday I hope that helps, but for now, yes it totally sucks!
Take care

suchagoodegg said...

I've been thinking about you, too. It is so freaking understandable that you are in heartbreaking pain. I never ever lose hope for you, and I hope that is okay. This is me giving you a big hug thru the screen. xoxoxoxo

embracingtherain said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending lots of hugs your way.

Alex said...

Please don't apologize for sharing your hard times with us - this is what your blog is for. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but it's completely understandable. You have to allow yourself time to grieve this stuff. Sending you hugs and love...

bean dreams said...

So sorry you are feeling so down. My heart breaks for you when I read your post. I"m glad you could get your emotions out and would never think twice about such posts--that is what this is all for. That is waht we are all for. None of this is fair and I wish I could help more. Sending lots of hugs!

A m a n d a said...

I've been thinking of you, so it was nice to hear an update. I think we can all identify with every single word you wrote. You don't have to explain yourself or your feelings, I know exactly where you are right now. I've had the same fears lately, and it's paralyzing. I don't think there's a 'right' way to deal with this...it will just take time. I'm so so sorry...I wish there was something I could say or do, but from experience I know there isn't.

Sending you lots of hugs and love.

LC said...

Your post brought me to tears as I, too, have felt many of your emotions. This is just SO hard. My sister told me the other day - that infertility isn't my life, it's just a chapter. But really, how long can a damn chapter be? I'm getting ready to slam the book closed as I feel my heart just can't take anymore aching. Please continue to open up on your blog. You have so many women out here that understand you and love you! I'm going to send you lots of love and energy. Hugs!