Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bull's-eye?

Again, I apologize for being absent.  I've been busy here at work and well, just really haven't felt like typing out all the crazy things in my head.  I've been fooling myself that I'm doing better this year with the Christmas spirit.  I can only lie to myself for so long before I finally admit how I'm feeling on the inside.  I love Christmas and cheer and the magic and thinking about the baby that was born so that my soul can be saved.  Things just aren't the same as they used to be this time of year.  Ever since our failed IVF I just have not been the same at Christmas time.  Last year I had moving as a great distraction and apparently the scapegoat for my aversion to Christmas.  It has occurred to me that I was feeling those things because I don't have a child and I have lost almost all hopes of ever having a child.  It sucks to feel this way.  Like I said, I love Christmas.  It's always been a time of glitter and lights and pure beauty.  Our house is decorated as are most of the houses in our neighborhood.  I've never had so many decorations up around me as an adult.  We've done quite a bit of gift shopping already and are almost done with everyone we have to buy for (except each other).  I just don't feel all the good feelings that are supposed to come along with Christmas.

Not all of this is IF related.  I have a couple of dates in November and December that I have never written about yet that are very sad for me.  I try to push them aside and move on but it's not that easy.  I lost so much on those dates and my life, and the lives of the others affected by the losses, will never be the same.  I do most of that suffering in private.  BJ understands my grief but he doesn't like to talk about those types of things and he's not the most sensitive of guys.  That's ok as I prefer to grieve alone anyway.

Given those sad anniversaries and the fact that I'm really starting to believe, to know, that I will not be a mother have really dragged me down this year.  I gave myself a deadline to achieve a pregnancy and that deadline is my 35th birthday.  That deadline is fast approaching.  The closer it gets the more I come to accept my childless fate.  I know that I should not give up hope but how can I hold onto it after 10 years?  There has to be an "end game".  I have to have a stopping point.  We can't afford anymore medical intervention and I don't know that I would do it again anyway.  I mean, how will they make my eggs better?  My eggs are what they are and they are obviously crap.  Another round of IVF wouldn't change that fact.

I'm just so tired.  I'm tired of trying, waiting, hoping, dreaming, crying, hurting and failing.  And yet, I'm still temping and charting and peeing on opk sticks.  I just don't know how to fully let go yet.  It's like I'm just going through the motions for the sake of saying that we are still trying.  None of it means anything.  It's all wasted effort but yet I'm still doing it.  And I guess I will still be doing it until my birthday next May.  At that point I will need to be done.  BJ and I will have a conversation about what form of birth control we think is best for us.  I've been leaning toward the permanent implant.  There can be no hope when my tubes are blocked, right?  The hope will finally go away and let me learn how to live child-free.  I have a lot to learn in that area because I've never even come close to being able to imagine a life like that.

The title of today's post is rather ironic.  Given everything I have stated above you will find my next few sentences rather contradictory.  That's how I roll.  I have a battle going on inside of me between hope and defeat.  Unfortunately, hope is on the winning side right now.  I tested positive with my opk yesterday.  BJ and I did the deed last night.  About 3 hours ago I began to feel the tell tale ovary pain that signals ovulation.  There's nothing like knowing that as far as timing goes we have hit the bull's-eye.  Now I will sit here and wait out the next 16-17 days to see if I will be blessed with the best Christmas present ever.

I'm sorry to be so glum.  And I know that I need to do a Happiness post but I needed to get this off my chest and out of my brain before I can move on.  Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me to spill my guts to.  I've been reading your blogs, too.  I'm not that great at commenting but I'm here and I'm always thinking of you guys.  I'm going to get an iPhone in the new year and will really be able to dive into commenting the way I'd like.  I'm off tomorrow to try and do some shopping for BJ so I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I actually have some great plans for this weekend that I hope to share with all of you next week.

9 comments:

Alex said...

With that deadline looming, it has to be tough. Although my first response when you mention the end in May is always, "why?", I get it. At some point you have to stop, and get off this rollercoaster.

I'm obviously not up on the latest forms of birth control - what is this permanent implant you speak of? What's involved - surgery?

But you hit the bulls-eye, and for that, I'm so excited, and thinking all kinds of wishes for you to have your own little Christmas miracle...

Jem said...

I'm glad you are not giving up hope. I had given myself the "I have to be PG by the time I turn 40" speech (that's 5 more years than you, my dear!!). That birthday completely freaked me out. Here I am 6 months later giving IVF another go. Call me crazy!

I do you hope you have some sort of Christmas miracle this year.

EC said...

Sorry you're feeling down. I know it is hard to ignore what's missing, and I'm sure that's made worse by anniversaries of loss. I hope you have success and don't have to make a decision on birth control by your next birthday!

A said...

i am glum with a capital G right now. i just cant seem to shake it. i have felt almost robotic putting up decorations and even signing to christmas cd's- like i know that i'm supposed to be doing these things, so i do them, but i'm not really in the spirit.

i feel a huge sense of loss, and i am worried this will be the worst (and most superficially happy) christmas ever.

we are "ttc" if you can call it that with acupuncture, wheatgrass, and royal jelly. i'm not temping or using my ovulation monitor or anything. i think i might have ovulated tuesday night, but i'm not sure... it is kind of crazy to not know, but at the same time, i am coming to the place of not being able to play those head games anymore. i am actually doing okay with not having any idea- at least today.

praying for you (HUG)

someday-soon said...

Sorry you're feeling down {{{HUGS}}} It's very understandable. I hope hitting the bullseye on timing will bring your Christmas miracle!

Mel. said...

I'm sorry things are so down for you now.... Sounds like a rough time all around. I'm so hoping you get your Christmas miracle though!!

callmemama said...

As if Christmas wasn't hard enough on it's own...so sorry you have other sorrowful anniversaries to contend with as well :(.
I'm glad you still have hope - good timing and a two week wait right before Christmas can't help but give you something to hope for! Keeping fingers crossed for you - miracles DO happen to people, why not you?

gracieinbrooklyn said...

I totally get the internal discussion. Miracles do happen and I'll be hoping for a Christmas miracle for you.

Apologies for not remembering, but why the deadline?

((((hugs TeeJay)))

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

TeeJay -- I'm so sorry I haven't been a good poster lately, but I have been keeping up with all of your posts. One of my resolutions this year was to be better about posting on my friend's blogs, even if it's only a quick sentence or two.

It's been a few weeks since you posted this, I'm hoping things are feeling better for you. I know how hard the holidays are when you desperately crave a little one that isn't there. I wish there was anything I could do for you to make it happen. I know you believe your eggs are crap, but believe me, no one's eggs were crappier than mine and I DID get pregnant naturally once. It can happen for you. Though I totally understand not wanting your life to revolve around TTC indefinitely. I pray that someway, somehow at this time next year, you get your heart's desire. Take care of yourself, girlie. I still believe a miracle can hapen for you, it did for me and you deserve it just as much.