I know, I know. I keep saying that I’m coming back on a regular basis because I have so much to say and then I disappear for months again. I’ve been doing some thinking and I have come to realize why I haven’t been back here.
It’s just too hard.
It’s too hard to revisit the pain, depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, uncertainness, fear and exhaustion. Every time I start to write a post I stop. I get overwhelmed with emotions. The ones I just listed and others as well. See, there’s this thing called Survivor’s Guilt and I have a hefty amount of it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Those are the reasons it’s so hard to come here.
The problem is that I need to come here. I need to tell my story. Ever since I started telling my story I’ve found this space to be my safe haven. I can share my craziest of crazies and my saddest of saddest and yes, my happiest moments too. I want to come back here. I need the outlet and I need your guidance and your support and your advice.
I’m sure I’ve lost most of my readers and that is to be expected. With my absences why would anyone stick around? If there is anyone left out there that can help me navigate my feelings of parenting after infertility I would welcome them with open arms. And as any of my regular readers know, I’m a step-mother, too. Oh my goodness, the trials and tribulations of helping to raise a 13-year-old boy are numerous to say the least. I need help. I need to voice my concerns and my feelings and have people give me another point of view. I like it when people give me another way of looking at a situation because sometimes I can be so caught up in it that I can’t see straight.
I think I will start in the here and now and fill in the blanks as I go. I don’t need to post novels, I just need to post. I have to work through my feelings and this is the best way I can think of to do it. I don’t want to see a professional so I do what so many other people do: I post my inner most feelings and thoughts on the internet and let readers have at it. LOL
I hope there are still a few people out there but if not, that’s ok too. I need to do this for me and my well-being more than anything else. And this time, I mean it.