Remembering My Roots

I received an e-mail from a woman who is embarking upon DE for the first time.  She was looking for some help in dealing with the process as she is, very understandably, overwhelmed by the whole thing.

I was happy to respond to her and to try and offer some advice and maybe point out some things that she hadn’t thought of yet.  In doing so, it reminded me of my feelings when we first started down this path.  I must say, things have definitely changed.  And maybe not for the better in some regards.  I will try to explain this as best I can without rambling too much.  Ha ha!

BJ and I decided that we would definitely tell the child about needing an egg donor to make his/her life possible.  This decision was made before I became pregnant.  It seemed very easy…no secrets, no regrets and no shame.  When we started telling people about the pregnancy I made my own decision that I didn’t care if people knew that we did IVF but that the DE portion of it was to remain just with us until the child was older and wanted to tell his/her own story of creation.  BJ had other ideas.  He doesn’t want people to know that we did IVF.  I’ve been asked outright 3 times (aside from BJ’s sister) if we went through IVF.  I told one person the truth but the other 2 I had to lie to because I didn’t want BJ to get mad.  He made his wishes known and I respect them but it has been a bit awkward at times.  Not a huge deal but it might come back to bite me in the ass down the road.  Although, the 2 people that I lied to will most likely not be regular people in our child’s life once the child knows the truth so I guess it’s fine.  This was just something that we should have discussed a bit more thoroughly before it happened.  Lesson learned.

Another lesson I have learned is that it’s very easy to forget that this is a DE child.  Yes, this is my baby and I’m the mother.  There have been times, though, that I have forgotten that I’m not the genetic mother of this child.  And when I remember that, I get scared.  I get scared to tell the child about its origins.  I’m not ashamed of what we have done.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I’m proud of how hard we have fought and the sacrifices we have made to get here.  Infertility is one of the hardest things a couple can endure…emotionally, financially, even intellectually.  I’m just scared that the child will feel differently about how he/she came to be.  I know that our attitude toward DE will greatly influence how the child feels so that is something I will need to remember going forward.  I won’t lie though,  I wish I didn’t have to tell.  I wish that I could continue to live in this blissful world of “normalcy” that I have created for myself.  I never forget that we went through treatments and spent gobs of money and are in debt to my 401k for the next 5 years…those things are easy to remember.  The fact that I’m not the genetic mother is something that I let go of sometimes.  It feels wrong to forget such an important fact but I’m just so happy to be pregnant with this little precious life that I think I let go of some of the pain that IF has inflicted upon me for so many years.  Maybe it’s something like child birth.  Many mothers have said that they forget just how painful it is to be in labor and push that baby out as soon as said baby is in their arms.  I will never forget the pain of IF but I will say that being pregnant eases the memories of the pain.  Does that make sense?  IF will always be with me and it will always be a part of who I am.  This happiness that I feel now pushes the pain from the past to the back burner, thus helping me to forget that this is a DE child.

Forgetting is good in a way because I think it has helped me bond much more with this pregnancy than I was expecting to.  I’ve read some stories where women sort of freak out because they feel like they have an “alien” child growing inside of them.  Forgetting is bad because it makes me not want to tell the child.  I will, of course, but as of right now I don’t really want to.  In my opinion, the consequences of not telling are just too great.  I’m hoping that when the time comes I will be more ready.  Right now I just want to protect and nurture this little life to the best of my abilities.  And I just want to be “normal” and happy.  And if that means from time to time I forget where that egg came from, then so be it.

8dp5dt - Bullet Updates!

- I’m not feeling anything new. I’m still having the twinges and the cramping in my uterus on and off. The breasts are still tender, about the same, really. I started to have a little CM yesterday but I know that doesn’t mean anything one way or another. I am, however, feeling pretty emotional these days. I know I’m pumping hormones into my body so it doesn’t surprise me too much. I just feel extra weepy and it’s pretty easy to tick me off right now. Both are signs of a period but could also mean something else…if you get my drift.


- BJ asked me last night when I was testing and I explained to him the planning work that I’m doing today and tomorrow and how it’d be terrible to get a bad test result right now. Plus, my birthday is Friday. He said it made sense to wait until Saturday, if I can. That’s the thing. Can I wait until Saturday? We shall see.

- I really don’t like coming to work these days. There’s been a shift of power in our office and it has not had good repercussions at all. People that I thought were friendly enough to have my back have shown that they are the ones I need to protect myself from. It sucks.

- My behind is so damn sore. Don’t get me wrong, I hope I get to keep taking everything for several more weeks (until I’m weaned off with a healthy pregnancy) but man oh man do I hurt sometimes. And it’s now getting to the point where the area is so sore that the needles are hurting more and more. I’ll endure it, but just so everyone out there knows, it sucks to have to go through this.

- I’ve received some very nice comments lately. I’ve heard from my regular followers/pals and I’ve started to hear from some Anonymous readers as well. I read a comment the other day that brought tears to my eyes. I’ve pasted it here so you all can read it, too. I am always amazed at the support this web community can bestow upon total strangers. It’s wonderful, really.

The days of my kids being little are long over but please know, you have so many anonymous people, along with your followers, pulling for you and praying for you. You deserve this so much and I am sending good thoughts your way! I don't follow your blog but I do pop in and I am hoping so strongly that I get to read a post on your positive results very soon!!!

- No big plans for Friday (the birthday) other than getting my license renewed. Woo hoo! Exciting stuff. Our anniversary is Sunday (5 years!) so hopefully we’ll eat out somewhere nice. Of course there is always yard work to be done. But I’m glad to have it because that means that my flower garden is thriving.

- My Caps lost in game 7. I was very sad but I think they deserve a lot of credit for playing as hard as they did. They fought tooth and nail for every victory and just came up a little short. Poor guys.

I guess that’s about all for now. If I break down and test before Saturday I will be sure to post the results, good or bad. You guys will likely know before BJ. :-) Fingers crossed that it’s good news and that I’m just not feeling a whole lot right now and maybe it means I’ll have a simple pregnancy! I know that’s asking a lot but I gotta go big or go home, right?

6dp5dt - I Got Nuthin'

I was so slammed at work today that I didn't get the chance to post.  Although, as far as the cycle goes, I don't have much to report.  That makes me a little (a LOT) sad.  I know it's early yet, so I'm not giving up the hope.  I'm just settling into that place where I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't work.  You all know the place I'm talking about.  The closer it gets to test day, the more fear and dread and negative thoughts start to set in.  I'm trying to keep them at bay, really I am.  It's just really hard.  I haven't had one food aversion, not one second of nausea, not much of anything.  I've had some cramps and that's a good sign, I guess.  I haven't had a period in 79 days so I'm sure with all the estrogen and progesterone I'm pumping into my body my lining is about to burst at the seams.  That would account for the cramping I'm experiencing.  The cramps feel pretty much like period cramps.  My boobs are still sore but they haven't gotten any worse.  If anything, they have mellowed out a little.  I don't take that as a good sign.  I'm tired but it seems like no more than usual.  Ok, maybe a tad more than usual but again...the progesterone.  *sigh*
We have a really big meeting coming up on Thursday that I will spend most of tomorrow and Wednesday prepping for.  I was going to test Wednesday morning but have since thought better of it.  If it's negative I won't be able to focus on the tasks at hand.  I can't test Thursday morning, the morning of the meeting for the same reason.  Friday is my birthday and I'm so scared of seeing a stark white window that I might actually be able to wait until Saturday morning.  There will be no question of accuracy at that point.  I'm sort of going crazy wanting to know, though.  I have to have my head in the game for this meeting prep, though.  I was given more of the prepping responsibilities so I'm going to be scrutinized all the more.  Although I feel a bit distracted NOT knowing.  I'm a mess.

My weekend was great.  The Little Guy had his baseball game on Saturday.  They were losing and decided to put him in to pitch.  It was his first time this year and it's been almost a year since he last pitched.  He struck out one kid with beautiful pitches.  He tagged a runner out at home!  And then he struck out one of the other teams best hitters!  He got all 3 outs of the last inning himself!  Proud is not even the word.  And all of this while dealing with a cold.  Poor kid.

Sunday was spent outside lounging in a lawn chair while BJ washed and cleaned the inside of my truck.  He's so good to me.  And now my truck is clean and smells good and I have the beginnings of a nice tan.  We went to lunch at 5 Guys and I was able to have a caffeine free fountain cola.  Oh how I have missed my fountain colas.  I LOVE fountain colas but no one has caffeine free...except the 5 Guys by our house.  Yummy!

I'll keep you all in the loop if I break down and decide to test early.  Thank you so much for your support and your well wishes.  It really means a lot to me that you are out there.  I know I say it a lot, but it's really true.

3dp5dt - Infertility is Greedy

Great news from my nurse regarding our left over embryos. Of the 8 that were remaining, 4 of them made it to freeze! Can you believe that? I was beyond happy to get that news. I asked her if she could tell me the grade of the frosties. She said that the highest they can be is XBAA and all 4 of ours are XBAB. Not too shabby, right? Now for the downer part of the post. Or more accurately, the reality of what this means.


Anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile knows all about what I’m about to say. Infertility is greedy. IF loves to just take and take and take and all too many times does not give anything back. Unless you count hope but most times it’s just false hope so that doesn’t count as giving.

It doesn’t matter how put together a woman is or how educated or how sophisticated she might be, when IF strikes it tries to take everything.

Time
Patience
Friendships
Hope
Money
Self esteem
Self-dignity
Self-respect
Vacations
Spontaneity
Innocence
Strength
Spirit
Faith

Not to mention the emotional drain and the strains on a marriage. IF tries to take it ALL from us. We have to fight so hard to hang onto these things that it can be utterly exhausting to do so. I’m sure that the list could be added to but this is what I came up with today. And hearing the news of my frosties reminded me of something else IF has taken from me: A chance at another child.

I had said for a long time (before actually TTC) that I only wanted 1 child. When my first husband and I started trying we were still pretty sure we’d just have one. As time went on and we struggled I realized that I didn’t want just 1 and that we’d better get on the ball so we could have 2. Then we split and I hooked up with a man that had a 4 year old. When that 4 year old turned 5 we decided to try to have our own. Now that the 4 year old is almost 11 and my husband turns 40 this year…that will not be happening. I know that 2 small children in this stage in our lives would be a lot to handle. I’m not naive about that fact. I didn’t want my child to be an only child. Yes, we have the Little Guy but there will be quite an age difference and I don’t see them being particularly close or able to play together the way siblings that are closer in age can. Also, I am mourning the loss of a second (please let this be my first) full term pregnancy. I won’t be able to learn things from this pregnancy for my next pregnancy. I only get one shot at this. I’m grateful to have this shot, please do not think I’m not grateful. I just know from reading other blogs that the desire to do it again is there and it’s strong. I wish I could say that I thought I could talk my husband into using the frosties (assuming this one takes and I’m not trying to jinx anything) to add to our family and have 2 full siblings running around the house. After a comment he made last night I am fairly certain that if we are so lucky to get a child this time that it will be our only one.

He said that after this baby is born (he’s still as hopeful as me about this) that he’s going to get snipped. He already has stated numerous times how he feels like he’s too old to start over with a child right now. I know he wants it but he wanted it more a few years ago. Join the club. If we were successful a few years ago maybe we’d be able to have another one. I don’t believe that will be happening.

So while I’m ecstatic about having 4 frosties, the thought of leaving them there or destroying them has made me very sad. And it’s not that I don’t want the one that is in me, I want them all, trust me. I’m hoping the one in me has snuggled in nice and deep and that I’ll see its little face on an u/s and hear its wonderful heartbeat and eventually hold it in my arms in January. It’s just that IF has taken the possibility for another child from me. And that is hard to handle, especially since we have 4 good looking blasts on ice. If this cycle doesn’t work then I have great hope that one of those frosties will become my child. It’s a very conflicting position to be in, that’s for sure. I hope this cycle works but if it does then those other embryos that fought to survive will be left all alone. If this cycle doesn’t work then we have 4 more chances just from the frosties. In my heart of hearts I want this cycle to work. Everyone should have the dilemma of having 4 embryos on ice, right? It’s just so unfair that IF put us in this position. No one ever taught IF to stop being so greedy.

Symptom Check (just so we end on a lighter note)

- The boobs are hurting more. I know this is because of the progesterone but my goodness are they sore.

- Last night I had some very strong “menstrual” cramps going on. They lasted about 3 minutes.

- I’ve had some twinges, but on both sides, so I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything either way.

- I’m pretty tired. Again, I’m sure it’s the progesterone.

Other than that, there really isn’t anything to report. Today would have been the final day of implantation. Real growth should be starting tomorrow. I think I might actually test before my birthday after all. I’m thinking I will test on the 16th or 17th. I will not be at work on the 18th so I can use that day to mourn or to celebrate. I will be by myself until BJ gets home from work and since it’s my birthday, I can spend it however I wish. So I can lie on the couch all day and not have to put on a happy face for anyone. Or I can flitter about the house full of hope and happiness. Either way, we’ll be going out to dinner because it’s my birthday and I will either be really happy that I can’t drink or I’ll want to have a couple of drinks. Those are my feelings right now; we’ll see what really happens next week.

2dp5dt - DE Cycle #1 (hopefully only)

At this point, the embryo should have shed its outer shell and started the implantation process. I hope that is what’s happening in there. Tomorrow, the little one should really be burrowing in for the long haul. These 2 days are so very important in the process. I can only hope with all of my might that everything is happening as it should and that our little over achiever is doing what it’s supposed to be doing.


I’ve thought about when I will test and I haven’t come to a conclusion. I want to keep feeling all these good things. I want to keep the hope. I want to be PUPO as long as possible. I was thinking that the 16th would be a good day. I would be 8dp5dt and sure to get an accurate result. I changed my mind about that because my birthday is the 18th and I really don’t want to ruin my birthday in case it’s negative. And in case you were wondering, I’ve lost a little of my cockiness about this working. I still have hope and I’m not giving up by no means…I’m just not as cocky about it. There is a chance it won’t work and I have to be realistic about that. I don’t want my birthday marred by a negative result. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ll be able to STOP myself from testing before my birthday. I think I will just have to play it by ear. Also, the thought of getting a negative and then having to go to work is not appealing either. Decisions, decisions.

I have let a little of the crazy slip in. I’ve spoken to the embryo on multiple occasions. Telling it how much I love it and how much I want it to stick around in there until January. When I talk to it, I put my hand on my stomach. I may not have created that embryo but I love it more than I can put into words right now. When BJ got home the other day I showed him the picture and he was not very impressed because he doesn’t remember what our other embryos looked like. I showed him what is supposed to become the baby and what is supposed to become the placenta. He pretended to care so that was nice.

I was a good girl and rode the couch until 10:00 yesterday morning and even then I didn’t do a whole lot of standing and moving. I just did some laundry and we went to the Little Guy’s baseball game. They were creamed. I don’t think the LG has lost a game as badly as they lost that one. It was a 14-0 wallop. Come to find out the team was stacked from another league. Nice. However, the highlight of the evening was that the LG was the ONLY kid on his team to hit off of their pitcher and get on base. Granted, he was stranded there, but still. I was so proud of him.

Now for a symptom check: (Like I said, I’ve let a little of the crazy set in, bear with me.)

- Sore boobs – They’ve been sore since I started the bcp. It’s gotten worse since adding the PIO and the estrogen. Not sure how much more this would change should I become pregnant.

- Several twinges in my lower left abdomen. It doesn’t really feel like my ovary area so I’m guessing it’s not a cyst acting up. It could just be my lining growing with the estrogen and the PIO.

Considering that the little embryo has only just begun to implant (hopefully) I didn’t really expect to have much to report. What I’m hoping is this…with my last pregnancy, I was only 4 weeks (with a very weak embryo) when I began to have my tomato aversion. I know that all pregnancies are different but I’m hoping that with this perfect little ball of cells that’s in me now I will start to experience something like that a little sooner.

So that is where I’m at. I haven’t heard from my nurse about any possible frosties yet. She said she’d let me know by Friday so hopefully I’ll hear from her by tomorrow afternoon. I have a post in my head regarding the possibility of frosties that I will hopefully be able to get written soon. Thank you all again for your support. The next 7 or so days are going to be filled with lots of crazy and it’s nice to know that you all will be right there with me!

One Year Ago - Part 3

May 8, 2011 was not a good day for me.  It was Mother's day and that day has always been a problem for me anyway, let alone since trying (and trying, and trying) to get pregnant.  That day last year was CD1.  Or as I like to refer to it, the official end of the one and only pregnancy I thought I'd ever have the chance to experience.  It was a day spent on the couch watching mindless TV with my husband.  I was fighting tears and hardly able to crack a smile all day.  BJ was there for me but he didn't even realize that my period had started.  I couldn't bring myself to say the words.  It felt like saying those words would make it even more real.  Hearing that my beta had dropped was hard enough but the visual proof of letting that little embryo go was almost more than I could bear (bare?).
May 8, 2012 could not be more different.  I woke up on time, got ready on time and left a few minutes early because I had to get gas.  The gps said I'd arrive at 8:12.  Awesome.  I knew I'd be later than that because of traffic but I thought for sure I had given myself enough time.  The Beltway was moving well and I hadn't really encountered too many issues so far so I was beginning to relax.  And then I hit the slow traffic.  And then I stopped.  And then I was just creeping along watching the gps adjust my arrival time minute by minute.  There's a sign posted that lets drivers know when they will reach the next big turn off.  It's only 9 miles or so and the sign said it would take me 37 minutes to get there.  WHAT???  Cue panic-mode.  I was cussing and yelling and on the verge of tears.  The traffic finally lightened up and I got to my exit and parked with about 6 minutes to spare.  Whew!  I checked in and was seated.  That is about the time my bladder filled up completely with the water I had been drinking.  I was in agony.  I asked the receptionist if I could empty a little.  She obliged.  Not 10 minutes later I was in even worse pain.  No sitting position was comfortable.  I had to undo my pants.  I couldn't even get on FB on my phone or play Scramble or anything.  I went back up to the receptionist and she assured me it would only be a few more minutes.  My name was called and I could barely walk.  The nurse said, "you need to go release for about 20 seconds...we can't work with you like that."  Ha ha.  After that everything was much more pleasant.  I received some very surprising news, too.  We actually had 14 eggs!  Ten of them were mature and 9 fertilized.  That donor was amazing, was she not?  The doctor went on to ask how many we were transferring and I confirmed it would only be one.  He said that was good because we actually have one grade 1A (the highest!) embryo that we are going to transfer.  He said the others were at different stages of development and that they will give them 1 to 2 more days to grow before deciding on what to freeze.  He thinks there will be a couple.  My nurse will call me by Friday to let me know what we have left.  Then the picture came up on the screen.  I was amazed at how beautiful it looked.  I told him it was better looking than anything I've ever produced.  He laughed. He mentioned a couple of times how good the embryo looked. (an over-achiever, already?).  Then in it went.  The doctor said that I might feel some liquid "exiting" later but not to worry, that it wasn't the embryo.  I chuckled and said that I don't want to see the embryo until January.  He thought that was funny, too.  I laid there, got my discharge papers/instructions, emptied my bladder the rest of the way (heaven!) and was out the door.  They want me to wait until 5/21 for my beta but of course I'll be testing well before then.  I had no issues getting home, of course, as the traffic had cleared out.

So today, I'm on the couch, watching mindless TV and waiting for my husband to come home from work to sit and cuddle with me.  I can't seem to stop smiling...especially when I look at the picture (which brought me to tears when they first handed it to me).  Today, we will admire our picture of the embryo that we are hoping will attach itself to my uterine lining (which is another thing I hope I don't see until after January).

Thank you all for your reassurances yesterday and all of your support and just for being there for me.  It means a lot to me to have you all following along and cheering us on.  All of your comments on my last post really helped to calm me down.  Now, to make it through the next 7 days or so as I dream, ponder, worry, freak out, break down, rise high and just generally try to hold it together until I test.

Oh, and I leave you with the picture of our embryo:

The Wind and My Sails

There are so many highs and lows of trying to get (and stay) pregnant. To say that it’s a roller coaster is a good comparison. Another good comparison would be sailing. Along comes a great breeze that fills the sails and moves you forward toward the known (and the unknown, sometimes). You get a breath of fresh air as you are making progress forward...the wind on your face and your hair blowing about. Then all at once the wind dies down and you are now just coasting along until you come to a virtual stop...out in the middle of nowhere. The sails are limp, your eyes are watering and your hair is a tangled mess. You aren’t sure where you are. You don’t see land anywhere and you start to feel very alone and very isolated. All you have is time to sit and think about your plight. And then BLAM....here comes the wind again and you are plowing through the waves full of anticipation and excitement. I think you get my point.


That is sort of what I feel right now. I was going along just great and I feel like the wind has virtually abandoned my sails. I e-mailed my nurse to ask her if she could tell me about my embryos. She responded that all 9 are growing and that she will see me tomorrow. AWESOME news, right? I was floating on air, sailing right along. Not 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was the clinic’s main number. My doctor was on the other end. He was full of enthusiasm and it was great. He said that everything was looking good and the only question left was whether we are going to transfer 1 or 2?

Me – the plan is to transfer 1, assuming that the quality is good.

Dr. M – that’s a great plan. I won’t be there for the transfer as I’m at a conference but I wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. Things are moving along just as they should be.

Me – I know, it’s very exciting. So you think we’ll have 3 or 4 good looking blasts tomorrow?

Dr. M – mmmm....I think that’s a bit optimistic. You will probably get 1 or 2 and then we’ll see what happens on day 6 to see what you have to freeze. I suspect there will be a couple.

Ok. And that’s when it hit me. The embryos must not look that great. And oh yeah, we are not the only recipients. There are at least 15 more eggs out there (accounting for the fact that maybe we didn’t all the get the same number of eggs...I would have only gotten 1 more than the #2 recipient and she would have only gotten 1 more than the 3rd in line). Statistically speaking, when you harvest a lot of eggs only some of them are really good...a lot of them don’t make it to blast stage let alone to freeze. And if they were looking really good then Dr. M. would have been more optimistic about how many we would have tomorrow and how many we’d have left over. The thought of only have 1 or 2 good eggs out of 9 is frightening to me. I’m scared. What if we don’t even get 1? What if I’m heading up there tomorrow and they call me and tell me never mind, better luck next time? Oh I’m a mess right now.

My rear end is really sore and I’m hormonal and I’m so hoping that we are able to transfer tomorrow. Being able to freeze anything would be icing on the cake. I feel like I could throw up right now. I know I’m probably over reacting (see above where I mention being hormonal) but we’ve come so far and to have the wind taken out of my sails like that was so disheartening.

It’s going to be a long evening as I know I will be thinking about those embryos constantly. I will update tomorrow afternoon...WHEN I GET HOME FROM TRANSFERING 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST. I have to try and keep that thought racing through my head instead of the negative ones trying to take over. Fingers crossed and prayers a plenty.

Day 3 Update and Transfer Schedule

Who has 9 embryos still growing?  ME!  Who has a 5 day transfer scheduled for Tuesday at 9:30?  ME!

I got the call yesterday at the Little Guy's baseball game that all 9 embryos were still growing and were all 4 cells!  How awesome is that?  I was told that I'd get a call this afternoon with an update and a schedule for transfer.  Since it was 4:00 and no one had called me yet I called the answering service.  Someone called back within 5 minutes.  She explained that it just takes longer to get through all the calls on the weekend.  Ok, then tell me that on Saturday.  I was expecting an update when I always get updates, between 1:00 and 3:00.  But who really cares about all that when I have 9 embryos waiting for me, right?

I never thought I'd be here again.  I never thought I'd have another transfer of an embryo.  I never thought I'd ever really have another shot at getting pregnant.  And now I do.  Wow.

I hate the time they gave me, though.  That means that I will be fighting some major traffic Tuesday morning.  I was hoping for 11:00 or later but it is what it is and I'm not going to complain.  I'm going to get my butt out the door by 7:00 (since I have to check in at 9:00) and I'm hoping that 2 hours is enough travel time.  I might change my mind later but for now, I will leave at 7:00.

Can you believe this is really happening??

Fertilization Report and Other Musings

• All 9 eggs were fertilized with ICSI. I received an e-mail this morning that ALL 9 are growing! That’s great news. The best news, actually. I responded with an e-mail of my own asking that a phone call be used to update me tomorrow because their e-mails keep going to my spam folder (even though I listed them as “safe”) and I don’t have access to spam on my phone. We will be out and about tomorrow so I don’t want to miss anything. I also asked if the transfer date would be decided tomorrow. She said that if we are having a 3 day transfer that they will give me a time tomorrow, but she suspects we’ll have a 5 day transfer. Another bit of great news. Here’s to hoping that we have at least 4 survive to day 5. I know the stats so I think 5 good blasts could be a reality. Although, these are not the donors only eggs so I guess time will tell.


• My husband sent me a text earlier that went something like this: I got a bbq sandwich for lunch and dropped some on my white shirt. Just to give you an idea, this man spills food on himself all the time. I can’t tell you how many shirts have had to be treated with a stain remover before going into the washing machine. So I responded with: Of course. We need to get you some bibs. You and the baby can get matching ones. And he came back with: Yeah, we can compete to see who is messier, me or the baby. It was strange but really good to talk about “the baby”. Even in this context. A baby...really? Us? Fingers crossed.

• I went and got a pedicure today. Two things of note happened while I was there. The lady, whom I’ve been going to for a few years, now said to me, “did I ever tell you that you have really pretty feet? You could be a foot model.” I’ve gotten compliments on my feet before from pedicurists so I have an enlarged ego about my feet as it is. :-) She went on to tell me that she looks at the feet of models in magazines and catalogs and thinks I have nicer feet than a lot of them. I smiled and thanked her. And then I did something totally horrible. I wondered to myself what our donor’s feet look like. I have my dad’s big toe but the rest of my foot (besides the size) is from my mom... exactly like her feet. We’ve always thought it was pretty cool to have the same feet. If I have a girl, there’s no chance those feet get passed on. It was a fleeting thought but it’s one of those things that take you by surprise. I felt like an ass for even thinking such a thing. And no, it doesn’t matter what my daughter’s feet might look like...it’s just something I thought and lamented a little bit. This whole donor egg thing is an ongoing process. I’m sure that is not the last time I will have a thought like that. I’m also pretty sure that once that baby is in my arms none of this petty stuff will matter. It doesn’t really matter right now but the thoughts come and go. If anyone reading this feels like an ass for lamenting a genetic loss to your child, you are not alone. I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about these things. It’s almost healthy, dare I say? I mean, how many of us wonder what traits of ours and what traits of our husbands our child(ren) will get? I wonder if the donor would take a picture of her feet and send it to my nurse. Just kidding.

• I’m getting pretty cocky in believing we will get a baby out of this, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I know that DE is not a magic ticket to motherhood. I’ve read enough message boards to know that, unfortunately. However, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my mind and body at ease through this process. The way I see it is that we paid for 6 cycles and all resulting frozen cycles so of course it will happen on the first try, right? Plus, I have 9 embryos growing right now. How can one not be positive and a little cocky at that prospect? Especially someone that could never manage more than 3 embryos.

• I plan on drinking alcohol this weekend. I told BJ that the other night and he comes back with, “I’m gonna get fuuuuuucked up!” I clarified that I was the one doing the drinking this weekend and HE would be the driver. And he said, “hell no...we’ll both get smashed.” And I said, “Who will drive us home?” And then he turns around, sticks his thumb out and sways from side to side...”someone will pick us up.” He cracks me up. I think I’ll keep him.

• My PIO shot last night was interesting. I didn’t hit a blood vessel which was nice but I leaked oil. It seemed like a lot of oil but I can only assume this is normal and that not that much really ran out. At least I hope that’s the case. Any PIO vets out there that can assure me that I’m ok if some leaks out....please?  Also, I now have 2 sore butt cheeks.  I hope that they continue to be sore for the next 7 to 9 weeks.  Or however long someone normally stays on PIO to support a pregnancy.

• No big plans for the weekend unless we have to unexpectedly have embryos transferred on Sunday. I hope that’s not the case. The weather is supposed to be wonderful and we have the LG’s baseball game tomorrow and some yard work that needs done. I also have a very important hockey game to watch.  Oh and of course the drinking I plan on doing. I told BJ we should get some 2x4’s for the basement so we can get started on it this fall or winter. I will need to get my scrapping stuff out of the spare bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. See? I’m really getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not jinxing anything...I just hope and pray that one of those 9 little embies becomes my take home baby.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be updating on Monday with transfer plans! Unless I’m thrown a major curveball and have to go in on Sunday. ACK! Let’s hope not. Let’s hope that the next time you hear from me I’m telling you what time my beautiful blast will be transferred into my uterus for the next 9 months!

One Year Ago - Part 2

May 3, 2011 was met with giddy anticipation and some fear. The hpt I took the previous morning was a shade or 2 lighter than the one before it. I shook it off and kept an open heart and mind. I was pregnant and this was for real. I had a beta scheduled for that morning. I was excited because I knew it would be positive. I just didn’t know how big the number was going to be. I was hoping for over 100 because I did a lot of searching on the evil internet. This was the first time I had ever sat in the chair with a big smile plastered on my face. I was happy to be getting stuck with that needle and nothing could change that. It was a great feeling. I had taken the whole day off because we also had a meeting at the school later that afternoon. BJ and I met up for lunch and I kept my phone close by. I could hardly eat my food I had such butterflies in my stomach. Of course, the tomatoes had to come off my burger because I just couldn’t stomach them. We didn’t get the call until about an hour before the school meeting. We were lounging on the couch in pure silence. My cell phone rang and I jumped up and leaned forward to take the call. My nurse said the words I’ll never forget, “they did find HCG in your blood...” and my heart sank because her tone was not as excited as it should be. She continued, “but it was a bit low. It was 38.” My heart sank even further. At the stage I was at, it should have been well over 100. My shoulders sank and I leaned over as if I had been gut punched. I could see BJ out of the corner of my eye. His shoulders sank and he turned his head away from me. The nurse told me that I’d have to repeat in 2 days, blah, blah, blah...it’s a blur from there. I cried to BJ and had to explain to him that yes I’m pregnant but it won’t last and I’m going to lose it. He just held me and let me cry. He didn’t fully understand the significance of the number so he was asking questions but I don’t think I answered them. I had to dust myself off shortly thereafter because we still had a meeting at the school to attend. It was so hard to concentrate on anything that was said in the meeting. All I kept thinking about was that number.


May 3, 2012 was met with giddy anticipation and some fear, too. Things have been going so well with our donor and this process that I keep waiting for the bad news. BJ’s appointment was set for 10:30. He wasn’t happy about it. Of course, this made me stress a bit. I hate it when he gets agitated with the process because he’s very vocal about it. Yes, he was inconvenienced ONE MORNING through this whole thing. I’m the one that has been on bcp and stabbing myself in the ass with really long needles. I’m the one that has had to have the blood work and the ultrasounds and he’s going to bitch about having to watch p.o.rn and take a couple of hours off of work? But I digress. His appointment time meant that he could lolly gag at home in the morning and do his thing and head out. I sent a text at 8:00 to make sure he was up. He was. He called me at 8:50 to complain about the traffic. He hadn’t even gotten out of the county yet. Then he’s sending me texts about how bad the Beltway is backed up. I’m sitting at my desk reading these messages and I’m about to go into full blown panic. I hate the traffic in this area. It’s so unpredictable from day to day. Who would have thought that as late as he left there would still be rush hour volume out there? Ugh. I had butterflies in my stomach as I was watching the clock. His next message said that his GPS told him that there was a 25 minute back up now. HOLY HELL! Since I know my husband, I sent him a message back that stated to keep the sample warm and be careful. If he feels stressed about time he’ll drive like a crazy man and all I could think about was him either getting into an accident or being pulled over and delayed. I started thinking of when I would call the clinic and explain that he’d be late...would they cancel us out? Would they still be able to perform the wash in time for the procedure? What if he’s delayed so much that the swimmers all die? Cue crazy internal freak out. As I’m trying to distract myself with work and NOT watch the time whisking by, my phone buzzes again. It’s the husband, of course. I’m dreading reading it because it’s now 10:05 and I don’t want more bad news. The message reads “made it early!” AMEN! Now began the wait for the phone call regarding the number of eggs. And of course the freak out of hoping the donor gets there in time and is not caught in all that awful traffic. BJ called me when he left at 10:30 and we both breathed a sigh of relief that our part had been completed. Now we just had to wait for the all-important number. I had no clue what time her procedure was scheduled for but guessed maybe around 11:30 since we always had to hang out for an hour or so for our IVF’s. I was waiting on an e-mail from someone else and decided to check to see if it had come in when to my surprise my nurse sent me an e-mail at 11:00 with the count. We have nine mature eggs all to ourselves! They will all be fertilized with ICSI and I’ll get an actual fertilization report tomorrow. NINE MATURE EGGS! That means that this girl produced at least 27 mature eggs for the 3 recipients. How wonderful to be 22 and fertile. How wonderful to be willing to share that fertility with others. I feel so blessed right now I can’t even tell you. I know there are more hurdles and more numbers to wait on, but that number is so much better than I was hoping for, than I even dared to dream of. It makes my sore left butt cheek (from my PIO shot last night) hurt just a bit less. The next number I’m hoping for is at least 4 growing embryos that look great and can be cultured to 5-day blasts. But for now, I’m relishing in THIS great number.

One year ago today I was devastated by a number and today I’m on cloud 9 because of a different number. I hope that things continue to move in a positive forward motion and that very soon I will be even more blessed.

Side note – my shot went well last night aside from apparently hitting a blood vessel. I bled like a stuck pig after I pulled the needle out. And as stated above, my butt is pretty sore today. Not sure if it’s from the PIO or the fact that I haven’t done any shots on that side yet. I’ll find out tomorrow because I will be stabbing the right side tonight.

One Year Ago - Part 1

One year ago today I peed on a stick and saw a beautiful 2nd pink line staring back at me. I just knew that cycle would work. I was calm and collected, for the most part, through the whole thing. I couldn’t have been happier. I was giddy, I was dreamy eyed, I was hopeful. I was also a little scared. I had never seen 2 lines before. Not once in 10 years. I remember climbing back into bed and showing BJ the test and explaining what the 2nd line meant. He was my negative nelly. He said he’d believe it more when the doctor told us it was true. Deep down he knew we were pregnant but I think he was afraid, too. He was mostly afraid for me. He told his sister that he’d never seen me like that...as in floating on air and blissful. Not that I spent my days walking around bitter and resentful and sad and gloomy all the time, but he definitely noticed the spring in my step. He wanted it to be true for me more than for himself, I think. He didn’t want me to get hurt. He liked the sparkle in my eyes.


May 1, 2011 marks the day my life was changed forever because I finally experienced what it felt like to be a Mother. I thought about nursery decorations and how we’d tell special people and when we’d tell them. I thought about finally being able to use the name(s) I picked out so long ago. I worried that everything was ok in my uterus. I had actual symptoms of the pregnancy and not just phantom symptoms that were brought on the extra progesterone and estrogen. I couldn’t eat tomatoes for crying out loud and I was only 4 weeks (2 weeks gestational) along. It was an amazing feeling to know that we had finally succeeded. I was finally pregnant and I was going to be a Mother. The joys I felt cannot be put into words. It was also a relief. We had finally spent our money on something good and not just thrown it out the window. No more trying, no more needles, no more monitoring. Our last ditch effort paid off. I was on top of the world one year ago today.

May 1, 2012 could not be more different. I received an e-mail from my nurse earlier with the good news that our donor will be triggering tonight and retrieval is set for Thursday morning. BJ has to be there with his sample at 10:30 so my guess is that retrieval will be an hour or so after that. That is how it usually worked for us before. Her E2 level is 3986. She has 46 follicles (holy crap!) with 18 of them being measurable between 15mm and 20mm. She must be so uncomfortable right now. I’m hoping that we get at least 12 mature eggs but my guess is that we’ll get around 14 or 15, which is still awesome and plenty to go around. I hope she doesn’t suffer from OHSS. I would feel horrible. My nurse said that the donor has to come back in tomorrow to make sure she did the trigger shot correctly (gulp...that’s scary) and if she did then we are all set. Transfer will either be on 5/6 (day 3) or 5/8 (day 5). There is a small chance that it could be pushed to 5/9 depending on how everything develops. I am to continue my Delestrogen every 3 days and if the donor does the trigger correctly, I will begin my PIO shots tomorrow night. Wow. It’s really here (well, almost). Just a couple of more hurdles until an embryo will again be placed in my uterus. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m a bit scared. I’m giddy. I’m dreamy eyed.

I guess today is not really different than one year ago, is it? The feelings are actually pretty similar. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I cannot thank you all enough for being with me on this journey. I have made some pretty good connections and received some great advice and wonderful support. I do not know where my emotions would be if I didn’t have y’all to vent and cry to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following along. It means the world to me that there are perfect strangers out there willing to help and encourage and cheer me on. I hope that things continue to move forward and that this cycle works and that I get to share a pregnancy journey with you.

Monitoring Updates

As I mentioned in a previous post, my nurse called me Friday afternoon to tell me that our donor would be starting stims on Saturday and would be coming in for her first monitoring appointment on Tuesday. She told me that she’d call me with the details.


As Tuesday afternoon arrived I started carrying my cell phone with me everywhere so as to not miss the call. And I do mean everywhere. I don’t put it in my pocket because I’d never feel it vibrate so I carry it in my hand. People must think I’m addicted to my phone. In a way, I guess I am.

I got busy at work and the call never came. I started to wonder if something was wrong. Did she not show up? Is she not responding? All sorts of scary thoughts were running through my head. As I was getting in bed, BJ told me that if something were wrong I would have received a phone call. It still did not sit well with me.

As soon as I got to work Wednesday, I e-mailed my nurse asking if everything was ok. She responded shortly with this message:

Hi TeeJay,


She was out of town yesterday (something I knew in advance) she will be in today. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you that. Nothing to worry about. I’ll update you this afternoon.


Thanks,
Nurse

Now tell me this...why would she tell me on Friday that the donor would be in on Tuesday if she knew the donor would be out of town? Ugh. Sometimes I wonder about my nurse. Ok, she was out of town, hopefully she remembered to take her meds with her. She’s 22 and I worry about her responsibility level. Her future children are not riding on her taking those shots like clockwork. I’m trying to have faith.

Wednesday afternoon I began carrying my phone around with me again as I awaited the phone call. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The afternoon became very busy at work because I needed to leave early to get to the LG’s baseball game. As I was getting on the bus at 4:00 I checked my personal e-mail. My nurse sent me an e-mail 2 hours prior!! So much for a phone call. I will know now to just let the phone sit and check my e-mail in the afternoon.

The good news? She has 26 follicles. They are small right now but that is ok. She goes back in tomorrow for another check. I’m hoping for some good growth at that scan. I’m also going to ask what her E2 is to give me a better idea of the condition of the eggs in those follicles. I was very excited to get that update. Tomorrow will be 7 days on stims so I think there should be some good growth by this point. It’s hard to believe that retrieval will be next week! I get butterflies just thinking about it.

The other good news? I went in for my last lining check (hopefully forever) and I’m at 9.5mm. The tech said that at this point they like to see it above 8 so I’m doing good! One of the cysts is gone and the other is really tiny so she said it’s trying to go away, too. All good news!

Things are going along so nicely...I’m nervous. I have no reason to doubt anything right now but of course the negative nelly in me is trying to come out and ruin my mood. I think it’s because there are so many intricate parts to this donor cycle than in a regular IVF. I mean, the donor has to do her thing and us 3 recipients have to do our thing and everything has to come together like the perfect storm right up to retrieval. There are so many things that could go wrong. For the most part, I’m staying positive and concentrating on the fact that we will be making a baby next week and that I will be pupo early the following week (at the latest hopefully). How crazy is that to think about? I never thought I’d be pupo again and here it is just around the corner. Wow. I’m going to do my best to keep the negative thoughts at bay because there’s so much to be hopeful for, right? I’ve been looking over the calendar and thinking about how far along I should be at certain times because we have some plans this summer...crazy to be doing that but I can’t seem to help it. See, I’m hopeful...maybe too hopeful? I want to stay positive because I think it’s the best thing for my mindset right now. Plus, I was very positive and calm last year and I really think it helped my little emby try to stick around. So I want to keep my mood even and calm this time around and hopefully we’ll get better results.

I’ll update tomorrow afternoon once I hear from my nurse...fingers crossed for good sized follies and a matching E2 number.

PS – how about my Capitals?!?! They really pulled out a great overtime win last night against Boston! I DVR’d the game and watched the whole thing after we got home from the LG’s baseball game. So exciting to win a game 7 in overtime but I really wish they would have just wrapped it up in 6. I get so nervous watching them play. Yay for making it to the second round!! Could this really be our year??

Sick, Sick, Sick!

Oh my gosh, y’all. I have not been this sick in years. My poor husband started feeling bad on 4/12 and went downhill pretty quickly. He was feverish, coughing, congested, sneezing, aching...all of it. And then Monday morning I was getting ready for work and just didn’t feel right. I took my temperature and it was just over 100.


I was out of work all week last week. I was struck down hard by the flu. I will always get my flu shot from now on. I couldn’t keep the fever away and nothing I took helped me feel any better. I rode the couch for a week and only started feeling better Saturday. All of this while trying to remain focused on my estrogen shots. It’s like I told BJ, I’m glad I’m sick now and not in 2 weeks...THAT would have been disastrous.

So let’s go back in time to when I could breath and didn’t cough every 3 minutes....

I have been taking my shots every 3 days just like a good DE recipient should. I have not had any problems administering the shot to myself. It gives me some confidence going forward with PIO shots. Right now I’m on .2cc of the Delestrogen every 3rd day. I will go in on Thursday morning for a lining check and hopefully everything is ok and nothing got derailed by the sickness.

My nurse called me Friday to let me know that our donor would be starting stims on Saturday, just as planned. She will be coming in for her first check tomorrow. I will get a full report in the afternoon of how things are progressing. I can’t wait for that phone call. Fingers crossed that everything looks great.

The estrogen is definitely affecting my body...in a positive way. At some point last week I noticed that I had some EWCM being produced. Not to be too descriptive or give TMI, but since going on the bcp I’ve been pretty dry and it’s been a hindrance to say the least. It’s nice to have some CM down there to make things a bit more pleasant. And since BJ and I have both been sick for so long it was nice to finally feel up to doing something AND having the CM. My boobs are still tender but not as bad as before. Other than that, I haven’t noticed any side effects from the estrogen.

Back to Wednesday....the LG had his first game Wednesday. I was so sick, but I was not missing it. It was cold and damp and dreary, but we managed to make it out there anyway. I had been hoping the rain would cancel the game but that was not the case. They ended up winning and the LG got a hit and an RBI. It was exciting even though I couldn’t really cheer or jump up and down for him. I really wish his mom would have found somewhere else to sit instead of right beside me. The last thing I wanted was to be social. But I put on my happy (tolerant) face and talked to her anyway. I was glad when the game was called due to darkness.

I have so much catching up to do with you all, and with some new readers that have stopped by in honor of ICLW. I barely read any blogs while I was home sick...I just couldn’t bring myself to focus. I’ll be catching up over the next couple of days though.

Sorry this is short, especially since I have more things to update on, but I’m pressed for time and just wanted everyone to know I’m still here and I’m ok. I’ll be back soon!!

All Clear!!

I could barely answer the phone when it rang.  I was filled with such dread.  I hate that IF has made it nearly impossible to imagine a positive outcome.

She didn't drag anything out but cut right to the chase that everything looked great (she used that exact word!) with my blood work and u/s and that I need to stop the Lupron and start my estrogen shots tonight!!  She also said that my donor will begin her stims next week (probably the 20th or 21st) and that she'd call me to let me know.  She also said that I'd get a call every day that the donor came in for monitoring.  Awesome!

Thank you all so very much for your positive thoughts and your hopes and your prayers and all the things you crossed!  I knew I could count on y'all to think good things when all I could come up with was negativity.

Ok, now to start fretting about the shot tonight.  :-)  It's always something, isn't it?  I will do FINE.  I have been looking forward to this for a very long time...bring on that big scary needle!!  I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Jitters

I’m as jittery as a heroin addict that just got pulled over by the 5-0. I had my suppression check this morning. They were running very slow and it ended up taking a very long time. As I was sitting there I was wondering if any of the other ladies were in my ‘group’. I guess I’ll never know.


The blood draw went fine. They always have to get the butterfly needles for my small veins. Whatever works is what I’m fine with. Then it was u/s time. My favorite tech (her name is Hope) did the scan. As she was looking at my paper work she said, “Has it really been a year?”. Yes it has. Almost to the day, actually. She asked how I was and I told her we had moved on to DE and she was pleased to hear it. She measured my lining which is at 6.8 right now. She asked if I was on my period. I told her that I had had some spotting but no real flow as of yet. I’d been on bcp for over 40 days with no break so I think things were a little thrown off.

As she was scanning my ovaries she saw 2 small spots on my left side. Of course this is the cyst-y side. I told her it felt like I had a cyst and she said the blood work would be more telling. She said they could be follicles trying to shrink down or cysts. She doesn’t know if cysts will interfere with my cycle.

Then it was off to the nurse for final consult. Nothing remarkable happened with the nurse and I was off to schedule my next scan for 4/26.

If all goes well, I will start my estrogen shots tonight. However, I have a sinking feeling. I have a feeling that those 2 cysts or follicles or whatever the hell they are, are going to screw everything up. That is just how it usually goes. Only now, it won’t be just waiting one cycle to get going...it will be starting over and possibly having to choose another donor and go through another 3 month wait to synch up with everyone. I’m not sure how I’ll handle that. I know BJ will probably want to pull out of the program if that happens. He’s already impatient enough...more delays may push him over the edge. I’m not exaggerating. He is always telling me that he’s too old and that people will think that he’s the child’s grandfather. He has a fear of leaving the earth while his child is young. His mother died when he was 17 and his father followed 7 years later. He doesn’t want to do that to his kid.

I know I should be thinking more positive thoughts but it’s hard right now. Right now I’m waiting for a very important phone call that could go extremely well or extremely bad. And don’t even get me started on all my negative thoughts about the other recipients and their scans that probably happened today as well. If something happens to them I’m screwed, too. And what if I’m the one that messes them up? I will feel horrible. It’s a lot to handle and it’s a lot of ducks that have to line up. I’m hoping and praying that when my phone rings it’s good news. Please hope and pray with me...please.

Quick Update and Random Thoughts

There’s too much to write about so I’m just going to give a quick bulleted update. I will try to keep it short. :-)

• My shots are going well. Of course, the first one I administered hit a blood vessel and left me with a dime sized bruise on my belly. It’s actually almost gone, though, so all is well. No major side effects that I have noticed as of yet and that is always good.

• The weekend was good. I was off Friday and didn’t really have any plans but to get the stuff for the Easter baskets and then work on my scrapping. I actually did a lot of laundry, too. It was a good relaxed day. We went to the Bass Pro Shop on Saturday and the husband has decided that he wants a bass boat. That is another post all to itself and will need to be tackled another day. Since the LG was with his mother on Sunday, BJ and I cleaned out the garage. The weather was beautiful and we were able to clean and mostly organize the space. During the winter months the garage really suffers so cleaning it up felt really good.

• Work is busy and I’m not enjoying any of it. I’m not happy with my job right now or my current boss or some of my co-workers. If you’ve been following me for a year or more you know that I have a new boss. I don’t like him. He’s so different from anyone I’ve ever known so it’s really difficult to find our stride. He won’t ever change so I know I just have to deal with it but the situation is stressing me out.

• I’m coming up on some important dates and it’s starting to bring me down. My first ever BFP anniversary is only a few weeks away...as is the anniversary of my first (and hopefully only) loss. I should be on maternity leave right now and I think that might be part of the reason I dislike my job and boss right now.

• The blogosphere has been filled with some really high highs and some really low lows lately. As I read through the happy mom posts I get excited and start to think about what it would be like to be writing posts like that. When I read the pregnancy blogs I also hope to be writing my own posts regarding morning sickness and beta numbers. And then I read the sad blogs. The one where a mother had to say good-bye to her child before it was born. And the one where the mother just went in for her 12 week scan only to find out that her little one’s heart had stopped beating just a couple of days ago. It breaks my heart and makes me worry about something like that happening to us. I mean, just because we have struggled for so long does not mean that we will be successful with our DE cycle(s). It’s scary.

• The weather has been so warm and then we had a cold snap and now I’m afraid my roses may not bloom. They have buds all over them but they haven’t begun to open yet. I have 5 beautiful rose bushes and judging by the size and the number of buds, once they open, our yard will be the prettiest on the cul de sac. I just hope the cold nights have not damaged them. We haven’t gotten frost, but it’s been in the 30’s a few times. I’ve noticed that the warm weather caused the Tulips to bloom early and they are already losing their petals. Crazy weather, I tell ya.

• I got an Easter card from my mom. She called me a while back and I told her that I’d send her a calling card with cell minutes on it so that she could keep in contact with her kids. So far, so good. I’ve gotten a couple of text messages and a phone call and now the card. She’s working at a motel as the cleaner in exchange for a room. I’m ok with that. As long as her deadbeat significant other does not mess it up for her like he did last time everything will be ok. I don’t know if she has contacted my other siblings or not but that’s not my problem. As much as they try to make it my problem.

• I have been looking at my cycle calendar at least once a day if not more. And judging by the dates they gave me, my donor will be starting her injections on 4/21. I always started my stims on CD3. If that holds true for her then her CD1 will be 4/19...my mother’s birthday. Odd timing to say the least. That means that the donor will be starting stims NEXT weekend! Yay!! All of this assuming she passes her second and final FDA blood panel on 4/16.

• I’m going in for my Lupron evaluation on Friday morning. I’m hoping for nice quiet ovaries which shouldn’t be a problem given my history. And I’m hoping for normal blood work. I’m also hoping that the other recipients are still on track with everything. That’s one of the biggest worries I have. I worry that one of them will have something go wrong and we’ll have to scrap the whole thing. IF has jaded me, that’s for sure. I’m always certain that something bad will happen. I’ve read and seen too much to think otherwise. I’ve always been on the wrong side of the fertility statistics so why should now be any different? I’m hoping that it’s very different...very different indeed.

So that’s a quick rundown of what’s in my head and what’s been going on recently. There’s much more but I don’t seem to have the time right now to write about it. My boss will be on vacation next week so I’m hoping to have more time to get some good posts up. I have some things I need to get off my chest and you guys get to be my sounding board. Lucky you!

The Countdown Has Begun

In less than 24 hours I will begin my Lupron shots. Yippee! I could not be more ready. I actually have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Since this will be first shot in about a year, it’s good that I’m off work tomorrow so that I don’t have to rush in the morning.


I’m literally counting the hours until I get to start stabbing my stomach with needles. Isn’t it crazy how IF makes us look forward to things that other people would dread? And I can’t wait to take my last bcp on Sunday. Again, counting the hours (well, days at this point).

Thanks to all of you that recommended some remedies to my going problem. I bought some milk of magnesia yesterday but forgot to take it last night. I’ll be taking it tonight for sure. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything that I would mix with liquid and drink. Although, if the MOM doesn’t work that will be my next avenue of self-treatment.

I’m also counting the minutes until I get to leave work today. I’m so excited to be off tomorrow with nothing planned. The only thing I have to do is hit the store to get my boys some candy and treats for their Easter baskets. The rest of the day will be putting laundry away and working on my scrapping. I’m really looking forward to working on my albums. I feel like I really accomplished something when I have several pretty pages of pictures to look at.

Is it time to go home yet??

I hope everyone has a great Easter in whatever way you may (or may not) celebrate! The next time you hear from me I will be bcp free and full of Lupron! Let the countdown continue...tick...tick...tick.

Weight a Minute

No, that’s not a type-o. I actually feel like I’m gaining weight by the minute. Since I started the bcp and the pre-natals, I have gained just over 5 pounds. I swear the scale goes up almost a half a pound a day.


The pre-natals make it difficult to, um, go...if you know what I mean. I took Colace a few times to try and help things along. I started with 1 pill and since it didn’t do anything for me I took 2 the next day. I let a full day go by and took another 2. Granted, I went, but not much. Ewww...I know, tmi. I’ve stopped taking the Colace for now. I’ve seen no benefit of it.

I’ve been on active bcp since February 28. That means that I have not had a cycle since February 26. That’s over 5 weeks since my lining has shed. My uterus can’t even take it anymore as I have started to spot here and there.

Between my belly being full of things it should be getting rid of and my uterine lining trying to break records, I feel exceptionally bloated and full and fat. I have not seen numbers on the scale like this since 2004. My eating habits have not really changed so I know it’s not because I’ve all of a sudden decided to eat everything in sight.

I keep telling my husband that I can’t have a snack with him at night, something we have done for years, because I’m turning into a big fatty. He looks at me and says “you’re probably going to be pregnant soon so who cares if you’re a big fatty?” Nice but not nice. Of course he said it while laughing but it still made me want to smack him. See, the bcp have not stopped making me a crazy lady, either.

I know this is all part of the process and I’m thankful to be going through it, really. I just wish I weren’t such a nut about keeping my weight in check. I feel like I can’t do anything about it right now. I could always exercise more but who has the energy for that after work? They closed our gym at work to make renovations and it won’t open again for another 6 or 8 weeks. I don’t want to starve myself or go on some crazy diet as I’m trying to keep myself healthy for an impending transfer. I feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I also hate the feeling of my pants getting tighter and tighter by the day. Ugh.

I have my suppression check Friday morning. If all goes well I can bid these bcp farewell on Sunday. I’ll be able to shed my lining and hopefully that will help. I’m sure the bloat will return with the Lupron but I don’t really remember having many problems with it before so hopefully that trend will continue.

I know this may all sound petty and trivial but my weight has been an issue with me for a very long time and I panic when it goes up this fast. I’ve been able to maintain my weight, within 3 pounds or so, for the last few years of IF treatments so to see such an increase so fast has really left me feeling quite defeated.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Also, thanks for the advice with my PIO shots. I talked to my doctor and he recommended taking a warm wash cloth and wrapping it around the bottle before injecting. He also suggested warming the injection area with a heating pad or hot water bottle beforehand. And finally, massaging the area after the injection. The only thing left to figure out is how to give it to myself because I know BJ is not going to want to do it. I’ll watch some YouTube videos and I should be fine.

Box of Goodies

I received my order of meds from Freedom yesterday. It was delivered in a small box...nothing like the size of the box when one is undergoing IVF treatments. After all, we are only suppressing my body and then building a lining. And then supporting a pregnancy! There’s no need for all the follicle stimulating drugs.


The one thing about this box of meds that has me on edge is that I will be doing PIO this time. As I was going through my IVFs I didn’t do those shots. I was on the 3 a day suppository protocol. However, since my body is not ovulating and creating any progesterone on its own, I have to do these shots. I’m really scared about it. The needles are huge. They are not just long but also very thick. It’s more like a trigger shot needle. I know it needs to be that long because it’s an intramuscular shot. I’m very intimidated by this process. Not only that, but BJ is really not keen on administering such a shot. The anxiety the man felt for our trigger shots was palpable, to say the least. I can only imagine how he’ll be knowing he has to shoot me up each day for possibly (HOPEFULLY) weeks. I guess I could do them myself if he opts out. I’ve read about plenty of women having to administer their PIO shots to themselves for any number of reasons so I think I could get by.

The other thing about the PIO protocol that scares the beegeezus out of me...the pain, bruising and lumps that are left behind afterward. I’ve never really heard anything good about PIO shots. Everything I read is bad, bad, bad. Some people use an ice pack first or after. Others use a warm compress before and/or after. Some people massage the area. Some people writhe in pain and suffer huge knots and lumps and bruises on their backsides. *sigh* Of course, I will do anything at this point to give any embryos a chance to survive and thrive...but I’m not too proud to admit that I’m scared of these shots on so many levels.

Another item in my box that caused me a little pause is my estrogen shots. They, too, have really long needles and are given intramuscularly. However, I’ve not heard anything really bad about any side effects or after effects of this injection. Plus, it’s only every 3 days...how cool is that?

The Lupron looked like a piece of cake after viewing the needles for the other injections. I remember the Lupron well...no real bad side effects that I can recall so I’m not worried. Although, I’m going to be on a higher dose this time. I’m going to be taking 20 units each morning and I’m pretty sure that is more than I took with my IVFs. I’m not very worried about the Lupron at this stage. I’ll just have to wait and see how it affects me.

Our consents have been signed and notarized and will be delivered to the clinic at my appointment tomorrow with Dr. M. I should make a list of any questions that I have but right now I can’t think of anything. I’m just hoping that nothing gets delayed and that everyone stays on track and that the donor remembers how important it is to take her meds like clockwork. She only has money riding on this...I have my future happiness at stake. Well, me and the other 2 recipients have that in common, don’t we?

I forgot that when I come off the bcp I’ll have another period so I guess I haven’t seen the last of AF just yet. She should be pretty light this time around since I’ll be on Lupron and have been on bcp for over 2 cycles now with no break this last cycle.

Ten days, people! Ten days until I start Lupron and the cycle officially begins for us! Please, oh please let everything stay on track!!

Getting Things Accomplished

BJ and I decided to take Friday off from work. We actually decided to do it before we saw the weather report. After we saw the weather report we were very excited to have off on Friday. The forecast was for sunny skies and 80-85!! The actual weekend was scheduled to be rainy and cool and just blah. We knew we wanted to get out in the yard and get some plants in the ground and cut the grass and fertilize and change the oil in the mower...all good Spring-time activities.


We dropped the LG off at school and ran our errands of getting a new weed trimmer, plants, mulch and fertilizer. As soon as we got home we started working. We worked outside for 5 hours, people. It was great because even though we were working hard we barely broke a sweat...no humidity this early in the season!

I did most of the labor work while BJ rode around on his mower but he did help me install the new edging around the mailbox. I planted 4 pansies, 9 petunias and 3 baby daffodils. I also raked up our mulch and spread new mulch down in both of our little gardens. We were beat at the end of the day. If you aren’t familiar with our region of the US, we do not really have dirt. We have clay. Digging holes in clay is a pain in the butt. It’s wet (since it doesn’t drain well) and heavy and sticky and clumpy. I know I could sell some of it to art studios so they could make great sculptures.

It felt so good to get all of that done before the nasty weather came in. When we woke up Saturday morning we were both really sore. Remember when I said that digging was a pain in the butt? I meant that literally. My glute muscles were so sore...oh my gosh! It hurt to walk and to sit. I’m sure all the squatting up and down helped to wear these muscles out, too. BJ said that maybe I needed to start doing some lunges if that little bit of work wore my butt out. Hmph. I’ll show him some lunges.

We didn’t do much on Saturday but on Sunday we hung up all of the LG’s 8x10 school pictures from Kindergarten to this year and 4 of his sports pictures in the office. It looks like the office of a family now and not just a room in a house. I’m so proud of us for finally getting that done. Now I just need to make a collage of family and wedding photos for the other wall and that room will be complete. Whew!

We are getting our consent forms signed and notarized this evening, too. I’m excited to have those completed forms in hand. I had to move my appointment with Dr. M up because I have to meet with him before I go in for my Lupron evaluation. The only thing they have available is this Wednesday at 2:00. I’ll have to use a half day of sick leave to make this appointment. I’m excited, though, so it’s not that big of a deal. And when I looked over the calendar I noted that I will begin Lupron injections on April 6! That’s only 11 days away!! Looking at it like that makes moving the ER much more bearable. AND my meds are supposed to be delivered today! I can’t wait to get that box.

So things are getting accomplished in TeeJay-land. Little by little and bit by bit we are achieving success. Let’s hope it carries over in this whole baby makin’ process.