In less than 24 hours I will begin my Lupron shots. Yippee! I could not be more ready. I actually have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Since this will be first shot in about a year, it’s good that I’m off work tomorrow so that I don’t have to rush in the morning.
I’m literally counting the hours until I get to start stabbing my stomach with needles. Isn’t it crazy how IF makes us look forward to things that other people would dread? And I can’t wait to take my last bcp on Sunday. Again, counting the hours (well, days at this point).
Thanks to all of you that recommended some remedies to my going problem. I bought some milk of magnesia yesterday but forgot to take it last night. I’ll be taking it tonight for sure. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything that I would mix with liquid and drink. Although, if the MOM doesn’t work that will be my next avenue of self-treatment.
I’m also counting the minutes until I get to leave work today. I’m so excited to be off tomorrow with nothing planned. The only thing I have to do is hit the store to get my boys some candy and treats for their Easter baskets. The rest of the day will be putting laundry away and working on my scrapping. I’m really looking forward to working on my albums. I feel like I really accomplished something when I have several pretty pages of pictures to look at.
Is it time to go home yet??
I hope everyone has a great Easter in whatever way you may (or may not) celebrate! The next time you hear from me I will be bcp free and full of Lupron! Let the countdown continue...tick...tick...tick.
Showing posts with label bcp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bcp. Show all posts
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Weight a Minute
No, that’s not a type-o. I actually feel like I’m gaining weight by the minute. Since I started the bcp and the pre-natals, I have gained just over 5 pounds. I swear the scale goes up almost a half a pound a day.
The pre-natals make it difficult to, um, go...if you know what I mean. I took Colace a few times to try and help things along. I started with 1 pill and since it didn’t do anything for me I took 2 the next day. I let a full day go by and took another 2. Granted, I went, but not much. Ewww...I know, tmi. I’ve stopped taking the Colace for now. I’ve seen no benefit of it.
I’ve been on active bcp since February 28. That means that I have not had a cycle since February 26. That’s over 5 weeks since my lining has shed. My uterus can’t even take it anymore as I have started to spot here and there.
Between my belly being full of things it should be getting rid of and my uterine lining trying to break records, I feel exceptionally bloated and full and fat. I have not seen numbers on the scale like this since 2004. My eating habits have not really changed so I know it’s not because I’ve all of a sudden decided to eat everything in sight.
I keep telling my husband that I can’t have a snack with him at night, something we have done for years, because I’m turning into a big fatty. He looks at me and says “you’re probably going to be pregnant soon so who cares if you’re a big fatty?” Nice but not nice. Of course he said it while laughing but it still made me want to smack him. See, the bcp have not stopped making me a crazy lady, either.
I know this is all part of the process and I’m thankful to be going through it, really. I just wish I weren’t such a nut about keeping my weight in check. I feel like I can’t do anything about it right now. I could always exercise more but who has the energy for that after work? They closed our gym at work to make renovations and it won’t open again for another 6 or 8 weeks. I don’t want to starve myself or go on some crazy diet as I’m trying to keep myself healthy for an impending transfer. I feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I also hate the feeling of my pants getting tighter and tighter by the day. Ugh.
I have my suppression check Friday morning. If all goes well I can bid these bcp farewell on Sunday. I’ll be able to shed my lining and hopefully that will help. I’m sure the bloat will return with the Lupron but I don’t really remember having many problems with it before so hopefully that trend will continue.
I know this may all sound petty and trivial but my weight has been an issue with me for a very long time and I panic when it goes up this fast. I’ve been able to maintain my weight, within 3 pounds or so, for the last few years of IF treatments so to see such an increase so fast has really left me feeling quite defeated.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Also, thanks for the advice with my PIO shots. I talked to my doctor and he recommended taking a warm wash cloth and wrapping it around the bottle before injecting. He also suggested warming the injection area with a heating pad or hot water bottle beforehand. And finally, massaging the area after the injection. The only thing left to figure out is how to give it to myself because I know BJ is not going to want to do it. I’ll watch some YouTube videos and I should be fine.
The pre-natals make it difficult to, um, go...if you know what I mean. I took Colace a few times to try and help things along. I started with 1 pill and since it didn’t do anything for me I took 2 the next day. I let a full day go by and took another 2. Granted, I went, but not much. Ewww...I know, tmi. I’ve stopped taking the Colace for now. I’ve seen no benefit of it.
I’ve been on active bcp since February 28. That means that I have not had a cycle since February 26. That’s over 5 weeks since my lining has shed. My uterus can’t even take it anymore as I have started to spot here and there.
Between my belly being full of things it should be getting rid of and my uterine lining trying to break records, I feel exceptionally bloated and full and fat. I have not seen numbers on the scale like this since 2004. My eating habits have not really changed so I know it’s not because I’ve all of a sudden decided to eat everything in sight.
I keep telling my husband that I can’t have a snack with him at night, something we have done for years, because I’m turning into a big fatty. He looks at me and says “you’re probably going to be pregnant soon so who cares if you’re a big fatty?” Nice but not nice. Of course he said it while laughing but it still made me want to smack him. See, the bcp have not stopped making me a crazy lady, either.
I know this is all part of the process and I’m thankful to be going through it, really. I just wish I weren’t such a nut about keeping my weight in check. I feel like I can’t do anything about it right now. I could always exercise more but who has the energy for that after work? They closed our gym at work to make renovations and it won’t open again for another 6 or 8 weeks. I don’t want to starve myself or go on some crazy diet as I’m trying to keep myself healthy for an impending transfer. I feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I also hate the feeling of my pants getting tighter and tighter by the day. Ugh.
I have my suppression check Friday morning. If all goes well I can bid these bcp farewell on Sunday. I’ll be able to shed my lining and hopefully that will help. I’m sure the bloat will return with the Lupron but I don’t really remember having many problems with it before so hopefully that trend will continue.
I know this may all sound petty and trivial but my weight has been an issue with me for a very long time and I panic when it goes up this fast. I’ve been able to maintain my weight, within 3 pounds or so, for the last few years of IF treatments so to see such an increase so fast has really left me feeling quite defeated.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Also, thanks for the advice with my PIO shots. I talked to my doctor and he recommended taking a warm wash cloth and wrapping it around the bottle before injecting. He also suggested warming the injection area with a heating pad or hot water bottle beforehand. And finally, massaging the area after the injection. The only thing left to figure out is how to give it to myself because I know BJ is not going to want to do it. I’ll watch some YouTube videos and I should be fine.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Living Vicariously
Back in the day...many, many years ago when I first started TTC, I couldn’t get enough of all things “baby”. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Stories, Maternity Ward, I read pregnancy journals online (the very first blogs!), I joined TTC message boards, I browsed the baby section in stores, I searched the web constantly for nursery ideas...I was all consumed. It was fun. I was full of hopes and dreams and I was sure I would get pregnant the very next cycle. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t wait to start my own pregnancy journal and was just so excited to experience all of what those women were going through. And then the years dragged on. My (then) SIL started popping out kids like a Pez dispenser, my sister got knocked up accidentally and my brother’s girlfriend did the same. Ladies at work were having kids. Life was passing me by. My marriage fell apart and no sooner did the ex hook up with someone, she got knocked up. It seemed hopeless to say the least.
For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.
Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*
I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.
This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.
So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.
For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.
Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*
I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.
This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.
So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Ramblings
Hi everyone! I hope you all had a very lovely weekend. Mine was a mixed bag of busy and lazy...just the way I like it. Although I can totally do without any more snow. I can't believe that it snowed yesterday morning...and it was so cold. I felt like writing a letter to Old Man Winter and giving him a piece of my mind. Either that or Mother Nature is smoking something and doesn't realize that it's supposed to be Spring and lovely weather....not snow.
We had the nursery guy come out Friday evening and we talked with him for about 30 minutes. It was nice to talk to him because he obviously knows his stuff. I wished the weather would have cooperated this weekend because we are so ready to get outside. He's going to sketch something up for us and we will talk again in about a week to see what he has come up with. They charge $250 for this service, but then you get a $250 credit with their store...not bad.
We went to a local home show Saturday. We received free tickets from one of BJ's coworkers that sells Scentsy so we figured we'd check it out. We collected a bunch of brochures but it's nothing we really need. It's still fun to look, though. Saturday night we went out to listen to a local band. The singer's girlfriend was the bartender at the Lodge where they were playing. BJ had her make me a drink and it was good. There wasn't a lot of alcohol in it but I knew it was an orange crush...yummy. Since BJ was only having a couple of beers I decided to have another drink. She obviously added more alcohol to this one. I also drank the last 1/3 of it pretty quickly as it was time to go and I'm not one to throw a perfectly good drink away. :-) That drink kicked my ass! I haven't been drunk in quite a while but I definitely was Saturday night. I've had a good buzz here and there, but this was all out drunk. It started hitting me more and more on the way home, which was only about a 7 minute drive. Thankfully I was still "with it" enough to have some adult fun once we got home but you better believe that I was out like a light afterward. :-) And since it was really just the one drink that did me in I didn't have a hangover Sunday. I look at it as my last big hurrah before I start stims next week (hopefully).
Sunday was a lazy day in which all I did was run to the dollar store to get some decorations for my old boss's retirement party. After that we just hung out at home and watched a movie. We watched Blood Diamond. Such a good movie but it continually stressed me out. I kept waiting for the really tragic end but was pleasantly surprised when the family was reunited. That is the kind of movie that just makes my heart ache for other parts of the world.
I had to do some research on my bcp because my boobs are so sore that I can barely stand it. After reading about this brand of pill I feel like I am just having a normal reaction. Most of the reviews I read stated the same things I'm experiencing...sore breasts and extreme tiredness. This pill evidently has more progestin than most pills and it also affects your CM to be inhospitable, changes your cervix to not let swimmers through and if they DO get through, affects the uterus so that an egg can't implant...not that one will come out of the ovary when on the pill but I guess one can never be too sure. A very potent pill indeed.
My only concern right now is that I have a cyst. I'm experiencing all the signs of a cyst on my left ovary. I will be so pissed if I'm delayed this cycle. There's nothing I can do but wait until my scan on Saturday and that seems like an eternity right now. So if you could, please send some "no cyst" vibes (prayers) my way...I would much appreciate it. There's so much riding on this cycle and I really just want to keep on track...for my sanity's sake. You guys are the best!
We had the nursery guy come out Friday evening and we talked with him for about 30 minutes. It was nice to talk to him because he obviously knows his stuff. I wished the weather would have cooperated this weekend because we are so ready to get outside. He's going to sketch something up for us and we will talk again in about a week to see what he has come up with. They charge $250 for this service, but then you get a $250 credit with their store...not bad.
We went to a local home show Saturday. We received free tickets from one of BJ's coworkers that sells Scentsy so we figured we'd check it out. We collected a bunch of brochures but it's nothing we really need. It's still fun to look, though. Saturday night we went out to listen to a local band. The singer's girlfriend was the bartender at the Lodge where they were playing. BJ had her make me a drink and it was good. There wasn't a lot of alcohol in it but I knew it was an orange crush...yummy. Since BJ was only having a couple of beers I decided to have another drink. She obviously added more alcohol to this one. I also drank the last 1/3 of it pretty quickly as it was time to go and I'm not one to throw a perfectly good drink away. :-) That drink kicked my ass! I haven't been drunk in quite a while but I definitely was Saturday night. I've had a good buzz here and there, but this was all out drunk. It started hitting me more and more on the way home, which was only about a 7 minute drive. Thankfully I was still "with it" enough to have some adult fun once we got home but you better believe that I was out like a light afterward. :-) And since it was really just the one drink that did me in I didn't have a hangover Sunday. I look at it as my last big hurrah before I start stims next week (hopefully).
Sunday was a lazy day in which all I did was run to the dollar store to get some decorations for my old boss's retirement party. After that we just hung out at home and watched a movie. We watched Blood Diamond. Such a good movie but it continually stressed me out. I kept waiting for the really tragic end but was pleasantly surprised when the family was reunited. That is the kind of movie that just makes my heart ache for other parts of the world.
I had to do some research on my bcp because my boobs are so sore that I can barely stand it. After reading about this brand of pill I feel like I am just having a normal reaction. Most of the reviews I read stated the same things I'm experiencing...sore breasts and extreme tiredness. This pill evidently has more progestin than most pills and it also affects your CM to be inhospitable, changes your cervix to not let swimmers through and if they DO get through, affects the uterus so that an egg can't implant...not that one will come out of the ovary when on the pill but I guess one can never be too sure. A very potent pill indeed.
My only concern right now is that I have a cyst. I'm experiencing all the signs of a cyst on my left ovary. I will be so pissed if I'm delayed this cycle. There's nothing I can do but wait until my scan on Saturday and that seems like an eternity right now. So if you could, please send some "no cyst" vibes (prayers) my way...I would much appreciate it. There's so much riding on this cycle and I really just want to keep on track...for my sanity's sake. You guys are the best!
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