3dp5dt - Infertility is Greedy

Great news from my nurse regarding our left over embryos. Of the 8 that were remaining, 4 of them made it to freeze! Can you believe that? I was beyond happy to get that news. I asked her if she could tell me the grade of the frosties. She said that the highest they can be is XBAA and all 4 of ours are XBAB. Not too shabby, right? Now for the downer part of the post. Or more accurately, the reality of what this means.


Anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile knows all about what I’m about to say. Infertility is greedy. IF loves to just take and take and take and all too many times does not give anything back. Unless you count hope but most times it’s just false hope so that doesn’t count as giving.

It doesn’t matter how put together a woman is or how educated or how sophisticated she might be, when IF strikes it tries to take everything.

Time
Patience
Friendships
Hope
Money
Self esteem
Self-dignity
Self-respect
Vacations
Spontaneity
Innocence
Strength
Spirit
Faith

Not to mention the emotional drain and the strains on a marriage. IF tries to take it ALL from us. We have to fight so hard to hang onto these things that it can be utterly exhausting to do so. I’m sure that the list could be added to but this is what I came up with today. And hearing the news of my frosties reminded me of something else IF has taken from me: A chance at another child.

I had said for a long time (before actually TTC) that I only wanted 1 child. When my first husband and I started trying we were still pretty sure we’d just have one. As time went on and we struggled I realized that I didn’t want just 1 and that we’d better get on the ball so we could have 2. Then we split and I hooked up with a man that had a 4 year old. When that 4 year old turned 5 we decided to try to have our own. Now that the 4 year old is almost 11 and my husband turns 40 this year…that will not be happening. I know that 2 small children in this stage in our lives would be a lot to handle. I’m not naive about that fact. I didn’t want my child to be an only child. Yes, we have the Little Guy but there will be quite an age difference and I don’t see them being particularly close or able to play together the way siblings that are closer in age can. Also, I am mourning the loss of a second (please let this be my first) full term pregnancy. I won’t be able to learn things from this pregnancy for my next pregnancy. I only get one shot at this. I’m grateful to have this shot, please do not think I’m not grateful. I just know from reading other blogs that the desire to do it again is there and it’s strong. I wish I could say that I thought I could talk my husband into using the frosties (assuming this one takes and I’m not trying to jinx anything) to add to our family and have 2 full siblings running around the house. After a comment he made last night I am fairly certain that if we are so lucky to get a child this time that it will be our only one.

He said that after this baby is born (he’s still as hopeful as me about this) that he’s going to get snipped. He already has stated numerous times how he feels like he’s too old to start over with a child right now. I know he wants it but he wanted it more a few years ago. Join the club. If we were successful a few years ago maybe we’d be able to have another one. I don’t believe that will be happening.

So while I’m ecstatic about having 4 frosties, the thought of leaving them there or destroying them has made me very sad. And it’s not that I don’t want the one that is in me, I want them all, trust me. I’m hoping the one in me has snuggled in nice and deep and that I’ll see its little face on an u/s and hear its wonderful heartbeat and eventually hold it in my arms in January. It’s just that IF has taken the possibility for another child from me. And that is hard to handle, especially since we have 4 good looking blasts on ice. If this cycle doesn’t work then I have great hope that one of those frosties will become my child. It’s a very conflicting position to be in, that’s for sure. I hope this cycle works but if it does then those other embryos that fought to survive will be left all alone. If this cycle doesn’t work then we have 4 more chances just from the frosties. In my heart of hearts I want this cycle to work. Everyone should have the dilemma of having 4 embryos on ice, right? It’s just so unfair that IF put us in this position. No one ever taught IF to stop being so greedy.

Symptom Check (just so we end on a lighter note)

- The boobs are hurting more. I know this is because of the progesterone but my goodness are they sore.

- Last night I had some very strong “menstrual” cramps going on. They lasted about 3 minutes.

- I’ve had some twinges, but on both sides, so I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything either way.

- I’m pretty tired. Again, I’m sure it’s the progesterone.

Other than that, there really isn’t anything to report. Today would have been the final day of implantation. Real growth should be starting tomorrow. I think I might actually test before my birthday after all. I’m thinking I will test on the 16th or 17th. I will not be at work on the 18th so I can use that day to mourn or to celebrate. I will be by myself until BJ gets home from work and since it’s my birthday, I can spend it however I wish. So I can lie on the couch all day and not have to put on a happy face for anyone. Or I can flitter about the house full of hope and happiness. Either way, we’ll be going out to dinner because it’s my birthday and I will either be really happy that I can’t drink or I’ll want to have a couple of drinks. Those are my feelings right now; we’ll see what really happens next week.

Ramblings

We are now less than a week away from our appointment.  BJ said to me last night that it can't get here quickly enough.  There are several things up in the air right now that are hinging on whether or not we move forward with the shared risk program.  The trip is one of those things.  As is a pool.  A pool is something we both have wanted for a very long time.  We picked our lot based on the backyard.  BJ has given up his dream of an in ground paradise pool since he learned how expensive it was going to be.  He has thrown himself into finding a nice enough (by his terms) above ground pool that will "do".  We know that we will enjoy a pool for years to come.  The trip will leave us with great memories (hopefully) but it will be over in a week.  We have not gotten our taxes done yet, either.  Not because we are lazy but because we are still waiting for his W2's.  His company is always late with them and it drives me crazy.  Once we get our taxes done we will know better where we stand with our plans.  Unfortunately, it looks like the trip will have to be scratched from our plans.  We can't have EVERYTHING, right?

In the mean time we are dealing with the Little Guy getting another cold.  He came home early on Wednesday and I stayed home with him yesterday.  He slept very late and then just chilled for the day.  He's on the mend and I hope his mother puts him to bed at a decent hour tonight so that he can continue to get well.  She has a habit of letting him stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 in the morning when he doesn't have school.  Makes me (and BJ) crazy.  Not to mention the affect on the LG.  But that is a post for another day.  He has a basketball game tomorrow afternoon and he's playing against his cousin.  How he feels and how well he is will determine if we have them all over for dinner tomorrow night.  I hope they come over, I'm going to make lasagna for everyone.

The pregnant neighbor is having a baby shower.  This is her 3rd child but I guess since the youngest is 6 they figured this was ok.  I actually bought something for her and I might even go.  I don't want to but I don't have a real reason not to.  I was joking with the LG when the invitation was delivered and I told him that I think I'm busy that day and that I don't normally go to baby showers.  He said, "I bet I know why you don't want to go."  And I asked him to enlighten me.  And he said, "because you want one."  And I said to him "you're right, that could be why I don't want to go".  He's a smart cookie.  This was not an "oops" baby, but still.  I have not been to a baby shower in years and I'm not looking forward to it.

We are having the neighbors over (yes the pregnant one) on Sunday for the Big Game.  The other neighbors (the childless ones that I think can't have kids) have other plans.  Rick and Leslie (the trip neighbors) said they will probably stop by.  A small crowd is nice.  And it's less food I have to make.  I know I will be staring at her belly the whole time, hoping she doesn't see me.  She's 34 weeks so there is no hiding it.  It's like a car wreck...you don't mean to stare but you can't help it.

Quickie Post

Not a post about quickies...minds out of the gutter, please.  :-)  Although, I could write a post about quickies seeing as how a lot of the time that's how I get my lovin'...the fertile window doesn't really allow for much spontaneity.  This post will just be quick, I promise.

BJ got his results back from his endoscopy.  No cancer!  Not even any bacteria!  Jumping for joy shall commence.  He just needs to get his acid reflux/GERD under control better.  He opted out of the colonoscopy, which I knew he would.  For now I'm ok with that.  He actually went to the doctor about his back, too.  He needs to have an MRI which will hopefully happen within the next couple of weeks.  Our insurance has to approve it.  He's been having issues for years but it's getting really bad now so he wants to get help if he can.

I began having some very fertile CM yesterday and we actually had sex last night!  And guess what's happening today?  My ovary is hurting like hell so I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating.  Hell yeah!  I'm not temping or OPK'ing this cycle so I'm just going on physical signs.  How amazing would it be to be successful right before my appointment next week?

The trip I spoke of 2 posts ago is still very much up in the air.  We talked with the neighbors last night and pulled some prices.  We just aren't sure if it's a wise thing to do right now.  We want to go in the worst way and even found a place that we want to stay.  We decided that if we do this, we will go to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.  That means we have to get passports and that's another cost to add in.  Will keep you posted.

Thank you for your positive comments on my last post.  It's nice to know that you guys understand and that I'm not on an island here.  I have many conflicting feelings about my family dynamic and there's plenty more where that post came from.  It's just hard sitting down and putting it into words sometimes.  Stay tuned for more.  :-)

We are having some of the neighbors over on Sunday for the Big Game.  I'm making chili dogs and some other snacks.  I'm looking forward to it, actually.  Last year we were snowed in during the Big Game and didn't have to worry about work or school the next day.  This year we will have to get the kids to bed on time and ourselves in bed at a decent hour...not as much fun but we will make the best of it.  I still say the game should be played on Saturday evening instead of Sunday.  Go Packers!

Back in the Saddle

Not so much the saddle that I want to get back in as much as on the treadmill.  I took a break from the little gym we have at work over the Summer.  I hate going down there.  There isn't anything on the TV that will keep my attention and so I hated being down there for my walks.  I have been walking outside most of the Summer.  It's not as good of a workout but I love the outdoors and the sunshine.  Well, as many of you know, Fall is upon us.  With Fall, brings falling temperatures.  Today is November 1 and I decided to start back at the gym.  I was going to do pilates this morning but my co-worker started a big conversation with me before I could head there.  I went at lunch and walked 20 minutes with a 5 minute cool down.  If you aren't good at math, like me, that's a full 25 minutes on the dreaded treadmill!  Yee haw!  I went 1.3 miles total.  My legs are like jell-o right now but in a good way.  I'm hoping to go at least 3 days a week.  I'd really like to go 4 or 5 but I know myself so I'm setting a realistic goal for myself.

Yesterday was the trick or treating.  We put up orange lights on the porch, hung 2 skeleton ghosts from our hanging plant hooks and hooked up 5 skeleton head lights for the sidewalk.  We then opened the office windows and played the theme to Halloween on the computer.  It was fun to hand out candy (sort of).  We had 1 kid ask us if it was a haunted house and one little boy wouldn't come to the door until he saw it was safe.  :-)  That was pretty cool.  I've never actually scared a little one before.  The Little Guy went with his mother and her boyfriend and his kids.  They stopped by very early for a couple of pictures.  I have a lot more I could say about that, but will save it for another time.  She annoys me sometimes to say the least.  I'm sure I annoy her, too.  Anyway...

BJ and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos and it was a special Halloween edition.  I always see lots of babies and toddlers and what not on that show.  It's just par for the course really.  However, they showed a video of 3 very pregnant women and their bellies were painted like jack-o-lanterns.  I didn't say anything but BJ piped in...."They just love to rub it in your face, don't they?".  I agreed and rolled my eyes.  It's EVERYWHERE.  The fact that I can't have a baby is rubbed in my face constantly.  Why?  Why is the universe so cruel?  These are the thoughts going through my head.  Then Extreme Makeover comes on and things are really put into perspective for me.  If you watched, you know what I mean.  I have my health, well other than my fertility.  The kids on this show were deaf and went to a special school that lacks proper funding.  Infertility has made me focus on myself a lot.  It's made me always think about what I'm missing and how things could be so much better.  It makes me forget how much worse things could be.  Everything else in my body (aside from my sometimes wacky thyroid) works fine.  I have a great heart and lungs and liver and bladder...the whole 9 yards.  I can see and smell and taste and hear.  The only thing I can't do is have a baby.  I want to stop being so selfish and thinking about what I'm missing all the time.  The only problem with this is that I don't know how.  I don't know how to look at babies and pregnant women and NOT think about my empty womb.  When does that feeling end?  When will it go away?

Today is CD24.  My temp dropped down to be equal to my cover line temp this morning.  I had a killer headache yesterday.  I might not be very good at math, but I know that 2+2=4 and that a headache + a lower temperature = AF will be here in a day or two.  My body might not work right but it has become a bit more predictable lately.  That is the one positive thing I will pull from this cycle.

7DPO?

I wrote this yesterday but could not post it so it's a day behind and I didn't even proof read it so it might not be up to par so I apologize for that. :-)

I think I'm 7dpo. I might be 8, I'm not sure. My temp took it's good old time rising this time around and I had a strangely high temp well before ovulation so FF was a little confused. I'm trying to go on my opk's and what I felt. FF says I'm only 5dpo but I believe I'm at least 2 days ahead of that. Either way, I'm in the 2ww. And I would have to say that we timed things pretty ok. And that's saying a lot given our history of BD'ing when it's time. So I will start to analyze every little thing starting today, I'm sure. But as an infertile, I can't help it.


On Saturday, the Little Guy and I went to his cousin's soccer game and then the whole gang came over for lunch and stayed until almost dinner time. The boys stayed the night and the niece went home missing her brothers. It was fun to have everyone over. We grilled hamburgers and chicken breasts. I was at the store Friday and just happened to notice a marinade recipe on the back of the mustard bottle as I was looking for the expiration date. I told BJ we ought to try it. It was a huge success. All the kids liked it and we did too, of course. It's like a honey mustard without the honey. If you get a chance, check it out. It was mustard, brown sugar and ranch dressing. So yummy. Especially the part that BJ saved to the side for dipping or drizzling after the chicken was grilled. We found a winner.


The boys went home Sunday around noon and we just chilled out and watched some football. It was a lovely weekend. It really made me wish that I had another child in the house to give us some chaos. And so the Little Guy would always have a playmate. I so wish that I could have had a baby 2 or 3 years ago. It makes me sad that if I were to have one now, it and the Little Guy wouldn't really form that sibling bond that siblings closer in age form. There was 8 1/2 years between me and my brother and while I cherished him like no other, we didn't have the close sibling relationship that I wanted. It's hard when there is that much of an age difference. I can't even imagine an age difference more than 10 years. It seems to me that they would never be able to relate to each other. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I am and that I actually get to find out what kind of relationship they would have.


This gives me a better perspective of people suffering secondary infertility. I would think that most people want their kids to be relatively close in age. And when couples struggle to have another child and can't I'm sure it's very frustrating. I'm sure they watch one child grow and wonder if that child will ever be a big brother or sister. If they will ever have someone to share bunk beds with, fight over the remote with, race to the front seat of the car with...all those things that siblings do. I'm sure it's hard having loads of baby gear and clothes saved for the next baby and that next baby never shows up. It must be really sad. Yes, I think some people might tell those secondary infertiles to just be happy with what they have and at least they have one child. But at the same time, if you feel your life is missing a child and you can't fill that hole, it's a hole nonetheless. I don't know many couples that are adamant about wanting just one child so when the plan to fill a house or at least 2 bedrooms comes up empty, I'm sure they suffer just as much as we do. Yes, they have a child that they love and cherish but I'm sure they still feel incomplete and like they are doing that child a disservice when they are trying desperately to have another. In a way, that is exactly how I feel. I think the Little Guy would make a great big brother, but his big brother days are slipping away one by one and it makes me very sad.


This not the direction in which this post was supposed to go, but it is what it is and that is just how if flowed out of me. We all suffer in one way or another in this infertile land. I hope that we all find a way out of it so the suffering can stop.


And thank you to everyone that stopped by my blog this week! I love new comments and I have found a few new ones to follow. It's always great to meet new bloggers and make new connections. Especially other hockey fans...even if they are Chicago and Pittsburgh fans. :-) We are going to Caps Convention Saturday and we can't wait! I'm trying to get BJ to cave in on me spending $25 for a picture with my all time favorite, the reason I paid attention to hockey in the first place, player...Peter "Banzai"Bondra! I'll let you know how that turns out. :-)

CD8

Today is CD8. I will start my opk'ing today...in about an hour or so. I don't think I'll see a positive since it's only CD8, but I figure that it can't hurt to get an early start seeing as how I have ovulated on CD10 before. I hope not to ovulate that early this time, but there's nothing I can do about it so I'll just start peeing in the cup and dipping my stick a little early this cycle.


About a month ago, BJ and I went to his niece's birthday party. She turned 3. I love her dearly and she is just as sweet as can be. BJ's sister's husband has a pretty large family. His nieces and nephews are all grown and starting to have families of their own. They were all there at the party. His nephew's wife is pregnant...about 8 months along. This will be their 3rd child in 3 years. Somewhere down the line, I lost count of how many they had. It was funny because there was this 1 year old little boy running around and I had no idea who he belonged to. When it was explained to me, I felt defeated. I kid you not, there were 5 toddlers at this party, all around the same age, all 3 and under. Everyone was so happy to play with them and hold them and make them laugh...it made me so sad. BJ and I should have a baby to add to the mix, but we don't. This was the first time in a long time that I felt like I needed to leave the room. It was so overwhelmingly claustrophobic in their basement that I thought I would have to go hide in the bathroom for a while. I didn't, of course. I just stuck close to BJ and the older kids and did my best to ignore everyone else, for my own sanity. Well, my SIL took notice. She asked me if I was ok and I told her yes, I'm fine. It's not like I can just spill my guts right there in front of everyone. Who needs the drama, the tears, the pity, the embarrassment?? Not me. Well, she sent me an e-mail last week asking again about my mood at the party. So I let it all out...how my heart aches and breaks because I can't and probably won't have a child of my own and how I was just surrounded by happy babies and parents and a very pregnant woman. I told her that I was usually better at hiding my feelings and I guess I need to make sure that I do hide my feelings because I don't want to offend anyone. She never responded to that e-mail. I'm not sure she read it as she has been having a lot of Internet issues lately and when we were over there this passed Sunday, she didn't mention anything. I guess it's better that way but it would be nice for her to say something in response to my outpouring of emotions. Oh well....water under the bridge I guess.

I took a break while typing as I had a staff meeting to attend and took the opportunity to POAS of the opk kind. It was negative but I will test again later this afternoon. My LH surge does strange things. BJ and I did the deed last night so it would be great to get a positive either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday, if I must be early. If not early, then it would be great to get that positive Saturday! We have the Little Guy this weekend, but Saturday sex is almost a given in our house. :-)

Appointment Tonight

Thank you all for your kind words, regarding my busted cycle and my poor kitty. To answer a few questions...I thought she had a hairball stuck but I figure that the radio graphs (x-rays) would have shown that. Plus, the doctor never mentioned that she thought it might be a hairball. I bought her some Pepcid and forced it down her throat. I'm a mean momma, for sure. I bought her a small can of fancy feast and she ate almost the whole thing. I was sneaky and put one of her pills in the food and she ate it. She is still hiding. She is not drinking. I called and made her an appointment for 6:00 tonight. She is still doing the "chicken neck" movement and that is the only thing making me believe that something is wrong with her. I mean, Gizmo has been around for a month and it's a little late for a behavioral issue, don't you think? I hope I get some answers. She actually growled at me this morning when I had to give her the medicine because she wouldn't finish the food I put on the plate for her. Oh yeah, and her eyes were leaking some gunk. Lovely.

Another question was whether or not I will pursue more testing. If we had the money for more treatments, I would be going after the testing like crazy. My insurance will only cover diagnostics, not treatment. And since we don't have the money I have just resolved myself to being bitter about the whole thing. I have given myself until my 35th birthday to conceive a child. If I don't, then I have to pack it in. BJ is 4 years older than me and he has already expressed his intentions to be done "soon". I would like to call off the trying in my own way and on my own terms...especially since nothing along this journey has really been my way or my terms. If it had, I would have a baby (or more) by now. I do not judge others for seeking motherhood well into their 40's. It's just not something I'm prepared to do. The Little Guy will be 10 next year and it just seems like the playmate years are gone. For me, there has to be a stopping point. It has to be realistic and I am nothing if not realistic. I know what this means for me, setting this date, and I'm slowly getting closer to accepting it. It won't be easy, but I've been through some really tough shit in my life so I know I can handle it. However, this is something I see coming, most of the other stuff was a surprise. We'll see how I do when the time comes.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support. You are great and I love reading each and every one of your comments.

Fears

Since this is my outlet and I feel pretty safe here, I'm going to lay out some things in my life that I'm afraid of. It helps me to get these things off my chest and hopefully off my mind for a little while. I'm sure some of these fears will have people rolling their eyes or scoffing and I might even offend some of you. None of that is my intent...only to maybe help someone else out there that has had these feelings and thinks they may be alone or "wrong" in what they feel. You are not alone. My mind can cook up some pretty off the wall and unexplained things to be afraid of.

As most of you know, I was married before. During that relationship, I was always afraid that I was going to be without my husband. I could never put my finger on it but I was convinced that he would be taken away from me. As our marriage crumbled right before my eyes that realization came to fruition. My fear came true. I was alone and without him. My future was unknown. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was afraid of being alone and on my own. I didn't know how to be TeeJay because I spent so many years being C's wife, part of a twosome that was nearly inseparable. I had been happy that way...pretty carefree, actually. Then my marriage ended and I was overcome with many fears about who I was and where I was going. It was too much for me to handle and I needed to get on an anti-depressant.

I met BJ a few months after I split with my ex. We were just friends for a little while, mainly because I was afraid of another relationship. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend or even just casually date someone. Things moved pretty quickly anyway and before I knew it I was invested in this new relationship. That terrified me. I didn't know how to love someone else. I didn't know how to be loved by someone else. It took me a while to admit to myself that I fell in love with BJ. Then we moved in together, got married and started our life together.

I now have a whole new set of fears. I fear that things will go south suddenly, like with my last marriage. Sure, I'm older and wiser now, but that doesn't help my inner fears to disappear. I'm afraid that if I do something wrong, he'll come to me and tell me that he's not happy. I'm afraid that he will leave and I'll be all alone again. I have no reason to think that things are on the rocks. Things are actually very good with us right now. But the fear sits there and torments me every time we have a disagreement. I don't know what to do about it. It just won't go away.

Then there's the whole TTC thing. I'm afraid of never getting pregnant. I think most of you can relate to that fear. It's a fear that definitely haunts me daily. Then there's this other fear. The one that some of you my turn your noses up at. What if I do get pregnant?

If I get pregnant...will I mis-carry? Will I carry to term? If I carry to term will I have a healthy baby? Will motherhood be overwhelming for me? Will I regret gaining weight and getting stretch marks and all the other changes that will happen to my body? What if BJ doesn't like me anymore after pregnancy? Will I be disappointed if I'm not magically happy after I have a baby? What about my parenting relationship with my husband? Will we butt heads? Will we drift apart? What will motherhood do to how I feel about my job? Will I be ok with working and leaving my child with someone else? What if I'm not? Have I built up motherhood too much? It's almost like "be careful what you wish for..."

My head is spinning...

Sometimes I wonder if my fears have somehow stopped me from conceiving. I've heard that there is a direct connection between the subconscious and our overall well being. Not sure how much it has really affected me...but again...it's one of my fears. Apparently, I have many of them.

I know with my brain that it's ok to have these fears. I know that it's ok to wonder what life will be like after having a baby. It really changes everything about your life and who you are. I just hope that by having these fears, and giving them a voice, I haven't sabotaged myself. I really DO want a baby and I really DO want to be a mother. And I really love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. But still, the fears linger.

Waiting...

It's CD11 and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for some sort of fertile cm. I'm waiting for the tell tale pinching signs of ovulation. I'm waiting for a temp spike to prove that I ovulated. I'm not good at waiting. This is proof that I really need to order some opk's so that I at least know a little bit more about what is going on in my body. Since I have been ovulating at such irregular times lately, I have no clue when it will be this cycle. I guess I will find out after it happens but that doesn't do me much good, now does it?


I started to think that I am ready to consider adoption. Then I changed my mind. Then I changed it back again. I want to be a mother. I want to be a mother to a child that doesn't have another mother. Don't think I don't know how selfish that sounds. I, in NO way, am diminishing the love an adoptive family has within it. I know first hand how strong that bond is. I had 2 friends (twins) in HS that were fostered and then adopted. I love adoption stories. I wish adoption were an easier process and less expensive and less lengthy. I wish I could throw myself into adoption and not look back.


As most of my regular readers know, I'm a step-mom. I love it, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard because he has another mother to love and that takes care of him. I know that an adopted child would be my child and that I would love it as though I birthed it. However, the fear of said child growing up and wanting answers about who he is or where he came from and then seeking out those answers scares the crap out of me. The child knowing that there was someone out there that actually DID birth him means that he knows I'm not his real mom. Grown up adopted children probably don't think that way. They love the people that raised them and call them their parents. But what about school aged children? And what about those dreaded teen years? It's bad enough that I'm waiting for the Little Guy to spit out the words "you're not my mother" as I'm sure he will at some point. But to sit around and wait and dread hearing them from someone that I consider to be my child and only mine (and BJ's of course)? I couldn't' bear it. I'm not good at waiting for things to happen, good or bad. And waiting for the day when my child comes to me and asks about his adoption and if he can find his real mom and dad....well, that would just kill me. I think it's important for an adopted child to know who they are and where they came from. However, I'm selfish enough not to want to live through it myself.


I give major props to families that make it work. Especially open adoption families. I think it's great for them. It's not great for me. Dealing with the Little Guy's mother is enough of a task sometimes. She has the upper hand. She's the mother that carried him for 9 months and took care of him when he was sick and she's the one that is his world. I can't compete with that. I don't even try. As much as I have fought to try and be a mother the last thing I want to do is fight to stay a mother to my child, in his eyes.

I'm scared of adoption. We don't even have the money for it, but I started leaning that way and then quickly leaned back because all of these fears starting welling up inside of me. I know that millions of families are created through adoption and I love that. I know that many mothers are where they are because of adoption. But I'm not there.

I know that millions of people have experienced great fun and exhilaration by bungee jumping....but I won't try it.

So I sit here waiting. Waiting for my body to produce a bad egg that won't get fertilized and if it does fertilize, waiting for it not to implant. Waiting for my time to run out for a pregnancy. Waiting for the end of my TTC road. Waiting to find out where my path will lead me next. Waiting for some sort of answer.

Did I mention that I'm not very good at waiting?

Thanks for the B-Day Gift, AF/Other Stuff

As you can probably guess from my title, AF showed her bitchy face on Tuesday. That means that I had a 25 day cycle. Another "off" month. I guess the norm for me now is just whatever the hell my body wants to do. Stupid body. And stupid AF for showing up on my shopping excursion on my birthday of all days. But it is what it is, right? I was actually pretty hopeful this month because I wanted that big surprise moment when I realized that we weren't paying attention to anything this month and this is THE month that it happened...right at my birthday and our anniversary (today). But of course, this month is no different than any of the other months over the last 9 years. *sigh* The plan is to temp this cycle and get back on track with that. I forgot to order my opk's so I'll just be temping this time around. At least I'll be able to pin point ovulation better.

I did some shopping for the house on Tuesday and spent more money than I should have but I actually bought most things on a pretty good sale. I'm having my pampered chef party on Sunday and I needed to make the house look more "homey" as I have a lot of blank walls right now. I bought a really cool clock for over the fireplace and some pretty things for the mantle. It still needs more, but it's a good start. I also got some pictures to hang in the bathroom and some candle stands and candles for around the big tub. I feel pretty good about my purchases. I will post some pictures of the rooms before and after once we get everything together. My parents have been bugging me for pictures because all they have seen are the empty rooms right before we moved in. There's not much to look at until we decorate and I've been slow to get that done. Partially because of money and partially because of the time it takes to pick things out. Mostly because I get overwhelmed at the stores and don't have any confidence in my taste or my ability to pull a room together.

I have been searching for a new bedspread set for our bedroom for months. I found one that I really like. I was going to buy it because I thought it was on sale but then I couldn't find it on the floor. I asked the sales lady about it and she went to look in the back. Can you believe my luck? They were out of it. Then she tells me that it's going to go on sale Thursday or Friday...for 1/2 off! So I will be taking a walk tomorrow to the store downtown to see if they have it in stock. If not, BJ will be making a trip (he doesn't know this yet) to a mall near his job site to get it for us (ME). I can't wait to get it. The only problem is that part of it is white and that is the area that my beloved kitty lays. I will have to figure out a way to make sure she doesn't dirty the pretty white. I was thinking of getting a white sheet and laying it down each morning and hopefully she'll actually lay ON the sheet and not NEXT to it. Then, if I know people are coming over I can pick the sheet up and they will see only a clean white bedspread. Once I get this bed set I can finish decorating my bedroom. I had originally wanted to do chocolate brown and spa blue (like my master bath) but once I saw this set, I had to have it. I would tell you to look it up online at Macy's (it's the Olivia set) but the colors do not look anything like the online picture. I will post some pictures once the room comes together.

Our shed is getting delivered tomorrow morning. YAY! The 4-wheelers and the lawn mower will be gone and we can actually organize the garage! BJ and I are taking off together to get things straight before the weekend hits and we get tied up with baseball and house cleaning for the party on Sunday. The plan is to do some yard work, too. I want to move the azaleas the builder planted and put something with more color out front. We'll see how far we get.

It's our anniversary today. We've been married for 3 years. We have the Little Guy tonight so we'll be grilling at home. Today is the day we became a family. Not exactly the family I had envisioned, but a family nonetheless. We went out to eat at Outback for my b-day so we decided to eat at home tonight in the interest of trying to save money...since I spent so much on Tuesday. :-)

I'm trying not to dwell on the failure of this cycle. It's not easy when I'm reminded all the time that I'm not a mother. I was watching Cougar Town last week and almost broke out into tears. The tears welled up but they never spilled over. If you watch the show, you'll understand why. Jules' son graduated high school. He was selected to give a speech at the ceremony. The speech was mostly about how great his dad is/was and no mention of the sacrifices from his mother or all the things she has done for him etc. He told her that he wrote the speech like that to make his dad feel good about the father that he was (he is not a good dad and is pretty much a screw up from the top down) and to boost his ego and make him feel like he really helped him (Travis, the son) become a better man. Then Travis says to her that he's glad she understands and that he cherishes the mom she was/is to him and how she is always so great and how much he loves her. They hugged and it stung me like a hot iron. I told BJ that that scene made me sad. He said that it should make me happy. I said to him, "no...I want that". And I do, and I'm afraid I will never have that. I'm afraid I will never have a child love me that much and say those wonderful things about me. I'm afraid there will be no one to know the sacrifices that I'm willing to make. I'm afraid that there won't be a child that will know that I would walk through fire for him/her. A mother/child bond is so strong and I'm afraid I will never get to experience it. And that really scares me. I've always had that to look forward to and now I feel it rapidly slipping out of sight. I HAVE to get pregnant...I just HAVE to.

CD1

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I don't have good news to report. All of the emotions running through my body right now are making it difficult to string a coherent post together but I will try.

I was having anxiety yesterday waiting for the spotting to start...or for full blown AF to show up with her arms flailing announcing her visit. It was to the point where I was really starting to believe that we might have gotten our miracle. But at the same time I was terrified and I don't really know where that emotion came from. As the day wore on I was sinking lower and lower. And I guess that's when I really knew that she was on her way.

On the bus ride home I was talking to BJ on the phone and told him that I started my sneezing habit back up. For some reason when I was sick over the last couple of weeks, I quit sneezing. Well, it started again yesterday. When I told him that, he asked me if had started anything else. I told him no. I told him that I thought it best (for me) to not stop and buy a test because I knew as soon as I did, it would show up. He agreed that we would just continue to wait.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom and wiped and stared at the TP for a good 30 seconds before I started crying. There was spotting. It was red. It was enough to know that I had failed again. I cried for a good 5 minutes straight. I haven't cried like that over IF since my IVF failed. It hit me hard this month. I guess because of the clomid and the good timing we had and the fact that my period was late and I hadn't spotted yet. All of that stuff fit nicely in the box known as Hope. I had even wrapped the box in a nice ribbon and let myself start thinking about a baby growing in me. It was foolish of me to be so blind and to expect that it could actually happen. I kept the news from BJ as long as I could. The Little Guy was out our house and I didn't want to give him reason to ask me questions and I certainly didn't want BJ to tell me to stop crying for fear of being found out. We went up to bed and I went to the bathroom again. There was enough of AF starting that I knew I'd need something over night. I came out of the bathroom in tears. BJ asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was disappointed, told me he was sorry and we laid in bed holding hands while I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not much better today. I'm in a bad place. I'm tired of all of it. The ups and downs, the temping and charting, the hopes and dreams, the disappointment and the heartache. It's getting to be too much. I'm starting to wonder if I really should just stop this quest and just live my life the way God apparently intended for me to. I'm sure He doesn't want me to be depressed. He doesn't want me to hate my body. He doesn't want me to question Him or His plan. He obviously just wants me to be a wife and step mother and call it a day. I mean, after 9 years you would think I would get the hint. I'm not a stupid person, I can learn a lesson. It has just taken a really long time for me to learn this one.

And I have to put on a happy face today as I am going to lunch with the other support staff in the office to celebrate Administrative Professionals Day (Wednesday). Our bosses are out of town so we are going to lunch together. I'm hoping it will be a good distraction and maybe even perk me up a bit. Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Especially ones like today where it's sunny and in the mid 70's. Maybe once I get outside and enjoy the sun my mood will rise. I hope so because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now so the only way I can go is up, right?

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again, already. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome any passers by to my blog. It's a little all over the place sometimes even though I try to keep myself organized. You can learn about my (long) journey on my sidebar but I'll give you a quick recap:

I'm 33 (almost 34) and I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step son that is almost 9. I call him the Little Guy. My husband is known on this blog as BJ and he's great. I've been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and with my first husband. There has never been a diagnosis of why I can't get pregnant. It's one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and at times I really feel done with all of it. BJ and I have undergone 3 fertility treatments. I had 2 IUI's (medicated and monitored) and an IVF. We have nothing to show for it except depleted funds and disappointment. We are out of money and out of options and almost out of time. BJ is almost 38 and he's about ready to throw in the towel. I don't blame him a bit, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know how not to try and hope and plan for a pregnancy every month. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, I'm on CD29 with no visible signs of my period yet. I'm a spotter and I'm not spotting. I didn't spot for a long time after my IVF but recently picked that habit back up. I'm a little bloated, a little gassy, a little testy, a little sensitive....nothing too out of the ordinary. I haven't been temping because I was wicked sick about 2 weeks ago and wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time so I decided to just skip it. I took 50mg of clomid this cycle (prescribed by my regular ob/gyn that I had to almost beg for) to give me a sense of being productive and I ovulated from what felt like both sides. I usually have a 26 day cycle. Things have been a bit wonky since my IVF...23 days, 28 days, 27 days, 26 days...you get the picture. I thought for sure that I was out this month as of this morning. I got off the bus (I commute via a commuter bus in to DC for my job) and immediately felt a wetness between my legs. I almost sat down on a bench and started crying. However, the amount of wetness prompted me to walk faster so that I could get to the bathroom at work. As I'm walking, my eyes are welling up with tears of sadness and frustration. I grab my feminine products and rush to the bathroom. I slowly pull down my pants and much to my surprise...it's not red. It's not even brown. It looked like just regular cm that I see before ovulation. So then I did my business and fully expected to wipe and see some sort of color. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So I live to see another day, or at least another trip to the bathroom before my hopes are dashed.

Last night while we were making dinner, BJ asked me..."so did you start bleeding yet?" And I told him no and that I haven't seen any sign of it, either. And then I followed up with the comment that of course now that I said it out loud I'd start, and he agreed with me. See, we both have such positive attitudes about all of this. :-)

That is where we stand right now. Oh, and for those of you that are new or just stopping by, I try to keep things positive around here by recognizing certain things every couple of days or so that bring me happiness. It's so easy to lose ourselves in grief and depression (that's me for sure) that it helps me to sit down and list a few things that make me happy. I call these posts my Happiness Is posts. There will be one a little later today as my husband did something very sweet for me yesterday!

Thanks for stopping by!

Getting Antsy

I'm here on CD28 and still no spotting. I had a sharp abdominal pain last night right before I fell asleep so I guessed that AF would be making her appearance by morning. Nope. I inspected the TP and still see no tinges of color...yet. I'm really wishing that I would stop getting my hopes up. Tomorrow would be a very normal day to just "start" with no spotting. And I thought I would be going back to my old ways when I had the spotting for the last 2 or 3 cycles.


I hate hope. I've been at this for over 9 years already and you would think that I would learn my lesson...not to hope. But I'm dumb, and unfortunately I can't seem to give up this very unhealthy relationship with hope. Do you know that I have even figured out how I'm going to announce a pregnancy on my blog? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I learn the lesson that my body has tried relentlessly to teach me? As if I haven't been hit over the head enough while suffering through IF, I STILL let myself hope. Why?


I was having a conversation with a co-worker that I have known for 10 years. We were discussing saving vacation days. I blurted out that over the last 2 years I have banked 10 days of vacation because "I had this plan to have a baby and that would allow me 2 more weeks to stay home but that is out the window now". Then she asked if she could pry and I nodded. She asked why my baby plan went out the window. And I said, "because I can't have kids". She then said "and you know this for sure now?" And I said "yes." Then I started to well up and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She gave me the pity look and I think she started to well up, too. I definitely don't want to be a pity case. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept my/our struggles to myself for all these years. Having a baby is the most natural, human thing a woman can do. Except I can't seem to do it. I have some very strong insecurities about myself and the fact that I can't do this just adds to them and makes me wonder why I was born a female?


I wondered growing up if my dad had wished I was a boy. He was very persuasive about me playing sports and learning to shoot and fish and to clean fish (I never did that...gross!) that were caught. My body did not develop the way all my friends' did. I am very small chested and have been teased all my life about that. I look like a boy (almost) if I'm not wearing my padded bra. Women should be 'womanly' and I don't feel that way most of the time. I grew up as a tomboy, with boy friends. I still have issues trying to fit in with other women. I'm more comfortable just being "one of the guys". I have some very girly tendencies....I style my hair, I wear make up (on the weekends), I like pedicures and purses (thanks for that phrase!). And I'm definitely all woman when it comes to recognizing a hot man. I just feel like my body should have been a boy. The only really distinguishing feature is my wide, child bearing hips. However, it doesn't seem like they will be bearing any children.


This post went down a road I hadn't intended. Some times the thoughts just come and I get on a roll. It was just supposed to be about how antsy I am getting for AF to show up. I hate that she teases like this. It's a harder slap each and every time she lets me get a glimmer of hope. But I guess I'm more to blame than she is, right? There's a saying...fool me once blah, blah, blah. She has definitely fooled me more than once so the majority of the shame lies with me, myself and I.

I won't test until Friday if there is still no spotting. I have to give myself guidelines and I have to stick to these guidelines, otherwise I will go insane. My head knows that there is an end coming to this cycle any minute but my heart refuses to let go of the hope. After all, what if?

Hard Times

I have so many things that I want to post about and not enough time to write it all out. That's what happens when I take over a week off from blogging. For now, though, I want to write about my hard time I've been having.

If my IVF had worked, I'd be a mother of a newborn right now. I would have had the baby the last week in March. March 30th would have been my due date. I'm having a hard time with this. It breaks my heart every time I walk past bedroom #4, or even look in the room.

Our neighbors (S & K) came over to get their son one night and we gave them the official tour of the house since they hadn't been in since we moved in. The guys were in the play room and I was showing K my scrapping room (bedroom #4). She asked me if BJ and I had thought about having one of our own. And I told her a very brief "yes, we've tried and I tried with my ex and I just can't get pg." She inquired about fertility treatments and I told her we'd done both IUI and IVF. And then I told her that I would be giving birth next week (this conversation was a couple of weeks ago, obviously) if it had worked. She seemed sympathetic. And she gave me the line of at least time is on my side since I'm only 33. And then she told me that she and S have been off BCP for about a year and nothing has happened. They aren't trying but they aren't preventing, either. She said that she really hopes we get to have a baby. I had to agree with her on that.

It's so hard to know that I should be on maternity leave right now. I should be entertaining many visitors and accepting baby gifts on behalf of my little one and showing off a newly decorated nursery. Instead, I'm sitting here thinking about what should have been and what probably never will be. I still hope that it can happen for us, but I'm also a realist. It's been so long and we've tried so much, that I don't think there is a way for it to really happen. Especially since BJ is just about at the end of his rope with this. And I don't blame him. There has to be a cut off time. And I will have to accept it when it comes. I just hope and pray that I get my miracle before his rope, and my time, run out.

I'm 8DPO today. AF will be here by Monday or Wednesday at the latest. Of course, the hopeful side of me hopes she will just stay away. But the realist in me knows that she's just gearing up in there to ruin everything for me. I don't like to be so negative but sometimes I just can't help it. Everything about IF has been negative for me and sometimes it's really hard to find a silver lining. I don't even know if there is a silver lining for me. I'd like to think that we all have silver linings but I just don't know.

I read a blog the other day by someone that graduated IF with a healthy pregnancy. She said that she wanted the rest of us that were still waiting to not give up hope, that one way or another we would become mothers. It struck a chord with me to read that. I started thinking about the Little Guy. Is he my answer? I'm a step-mother to him. Is that my 'motherhood'? Is that the only way I get to have a child in my life? I wish I knew the answer to that. I'm grateful for him, for sure. I'd be a miserable human being if I didn't have him in my life. I'm actually going to do some posting on how hard being a step-mother really is in normal circumstances but especially while TTC. I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew if my only chance at motherhood was being a step-mom. And maybe God has already answered me and I just wasn't listening. I'm hoping that He gives me the chance to be a mother to my own child...a full mother...with a child/mother bond and everything glorious that comes with that.

AF All Over the Place

My title might make you think that I 'leaked' or something, but that's not what the title means. It means that several of the blogs I read (and me) are announcing the arrival of AF or at least the spotting that lets us know she is right around the corner.

I wait for my blogging buddies to post that they POAS or went for a beta and got a positive...or at least that AF is late or showing no signs of showing up. Waiting for posts like that make me very hopeful and excited that I will get to read good news. And from one of the blogs I read (The Sun'll Come Out, Tomorrow (I hope)) I actually got good news after waiting. But for several others, I was saddened by the arrival of AF.

These times just remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not alone in my suffering, in my sadness, in my disappointment. I'm also not alone in getting my hopes up and being let down. It's such a vicious circle that we endure out here in IF Land. And I wonder when we will all get our tickets off this island? Can I PLEASE be voted off? I will gladly vote off whoever wants to leave this place, which means that I will get a cramp in my hand from writing so many names when I go to Tribal Council.

I had about 4 spots yesterday and so far today maybe another 4. BJ pointed to my lady bits last night and called them 'bad'. I laughed and agreed. And then I asked him if I could punish my uterus by stabbing it like it stabs me during my period. He didn't think that was wise if I wanted to keep living in our house instead of in a padded cell. :-) I really just want AF to show up so that I can be done with her by the weekend. It doesn't help that my temperatures are not cooperating with a timely appearance. I dropped below the cover line Saturday by a tenth of a degree. Since then, I have been at or above the coverline. That's not normal for me. That means that I probably won't hit full flow until tomorrow or Thursday and that stinks. I don't like having my period on the weekend and especially not on our 'free' weekend. Ugh...stupid body.

His comments lately about our time running out are definitely true and solid arguments. I try not to tell him that we'd have a better chance at conceiving if he would do the deed with me more during my fertile time instead of just trying to rely on a 1-shot deal. He doesn't like to hear things like that because that puts pressure on him. When he's under pressure, he can't, ahem...do what he needs to do. That's why I try to hide it from him when I'm fertile. That makes it very difficult to get things going because if I try too hard, then he knows what's up and is resistant. I think it's an ego thing, too. Like "she only wants me for my sperm, she's not really hot for me right now". That kind of thinking probably messes with his head and makes him not want to get naked with me. When you think of it like that, I guess I wouldn't want to get naked with me, either. I want to yell at him "Hey! The only way to maximize our chances is to do it 2 to 3 days IN A ROW!". But I can't. That will turn him off and probably make him quit trying. He's fragile that way and will not be told when he has to have sex.with.his.wife. He wants a baby, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't want to work for it the same way I do. And that's not a bad thing, it's just a very inconvenient thing. And it can get very frustrating to say the least. So, when he says that we need to get this show on the road, I don't think he realizes how important his actions are to that show.

Wow, I didn't mean to go down that road, but it all just sort of came out. I don't want anyone to think my dear hubby is not committed to TTC. He is. He's just not used to all the not-for-fun sexy time and he doesn't respond well to schedules. We do what we can and we hope that it's enough.

The 2ww

Although FF hasn't yet confirmed, I'm sure I'm in the 2ww. All the signs and my spiked temperature let me know that. This cycle has been a bit different than my pre-ivf cycles, as you read about the other day. Normally, my temperature doesn't spike the day after I ovulate, it waits another day. So imagine my surprise when it spiked yesterday, Wednesday. If (and that's a huge IF) anything is back to normal then that would mean that I did, indeed ovulate on Monday. And that would mean that we hit our timing perfect with our BD session on Sunday. I really wish I could make more sense out of things sometimes. I don't know what to believe so I just have to go with the facts that I have:

positive opk's on Sunday and Monday
temperature spike Wednesday
I actually had some ewcm, too, over the weekend...go me.

Yeah...I'm in the 2ww.

I haven't called the doctor that my tax lady suggested. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really don't want to be told that my only option is IVF. Even though I pretty much know that is the case. It hurts to hear it from a professional. There's no money for another IVF. At least not this year. I might still give him a call, but with him not taking any insurance we definitely don't have the money to pay for any tests he'd want to do. We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow.

I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever right now. And I must say it's putting me into a bit of a panic. I'm turning 34 in May. We all know what turning 35 means...advanced maternal age. As someone that is pretty sure she has less than good eggs, the thought of turning yet another year older is extra scary. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be this age and still not have a child. Once I hit 34, I have only 12 months to get the job done. BJ will be 38 in September and he's definitely been dropping hints that he's getting too old for this baby quest. I don't blame him one bit. I know there are women older than me that have great success with pregnancies and parenting over the age of 35, but I know in my heart that it's not for me and my husband. I'm happy for anyone that can achieve their dream of parenthood when it's right for them. Getting pregnant after 35 is not going to happen to me. I will take steps to prevent it. It's easy to say that now, I know. But in reality, I've given myself 5 more years than I did originally. Back when I had truck loads of hope and promise. Now I have a bucket full of those things and I know the reality.

But I can't think about that right now. It's just too depressing. Right now, I want to take my bucket of hope and promise and stand in it...at least for the next 2 weeks. I want to hope that there is a healthy embryo traveling towards my ever welcoming uterus. I want to go forth with promise in my heart that we created a new life.

It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Feeling Bland

I'm not exactly sure why (ok, that's a lie) but I'm feeling a bit bland today. I'm pretty sure the period will be starting by tonight or tomorrow. I'm fairly confident that upon inspection of the TP today I saw some definite discoloration. This has really brought my mood down today. That, and I think my progesterone is falling which always makes me blue anyway. My temp was still at a post O level this morning but I'm sure it won't be tomorrow morning.

This sucks. And when I say "this" I mean infertility, sadness, depression, having no baby, working so hard and still having an empty uterus, feeling helpless and useless and beaten, feeling like a failure, feeling like I have nothing to offer the world, my husband or my parents, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the envy the grief. All of that and more just SUCKS.

I just want to cry. And I want the crying to make me feel better. But you know what? It doesn't. Not in this case. The crying doesn't do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. The crying doesn't give me the feeling of "letting it all out" anymore. I used to cry and get it out of my system and then move on to the next cycle feeling ready to fight and determined to succeed. But now, I just feel defeated. I don't have that many cycles left to move on to. And let's be realistic, the chances are basically zilch that we will succeed on our own. Unfortunately, no matter how much I cry to God, that fact is not going to change.

I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to stop paying attention to my fertility signs. Sure, I can stop temping and charting. But that won't stop me from noticing the changes in my CM and the hormonal surge that happens to me at O time. And that won't stop me from marking on the calendar when AF is supposed to arrive because I like to be prepared and make plans and I need to know when I'll be ragging in order to make said plans and be oh so prepared for her. I don't want to give up. I don't plan to give up right now. But there will come a time when enough will be enough. My husband is almost there. My time is running out. Heck, according to my poor response and the failure of my embies to implant, my time is already up.

I'm going in for my annual exam next week. The doctor I consulted with in October never called me back so I was going to ask my regular doctor for some Clomid. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to do that. I might just ask her for some advice on birth control. I just don't know what to do. I don't know the answer. I don't know my path. I guess I'm not listening hard enough to what God is trying to tell me or where he is trying to lead me. I feel lost and confused and I don't have a GPS to help me find my way. I'm dreading going in to see my doctor. The last time I saw her I was getting ready for my first IUI. I know she'll ask me about babies and birth control and I don't know how I'll respond to her. She's very quick and efficient so it's not like I have a lot of time to sit and chat with her.

I didn't intend for this post to be such a downer but once I started on this path it just sort of flowed out. That's why I'm glad I have this blog. It lets me express myself in ways I can't IRL. Most people that I know don't want to know how sad I am on the inside. They want to believe that I am living happily with no need or want of a baby. They are so very wrong...but I am obviously a very good actress because nothing could be further from the truth.

I've Had Enough of Snow

Now that I'm an adult and I have to commute and shovel snow, I don't like it as much as I did when I was a kid. That should be no surprise to anyone. When I first moved to this area, we would have a few instances of snow each winter. The longer I live here these instances have been slowly decreasing. We usually get a dusting or maybe 2 inches and some sleet and freezing rain. Which is no fun either, by the way, but it's more of a "functioning" event.

As you know, I had lots of plans last weekend as far as shopping and returning things. The forecast kept changing every time I watched the news Friday evening and night. It snowed...a lot...again. Not as much as last time, thank goodness, but enough to ruin my plans.

On Saturday afternoon, I shoveled our driveway (about 4 inches) while BJ played on his 4-wheeler. He gives me heart attacks so I had to stop watching him. The snow was very light and fluffy so it was easy to shovel. We came in and not long after we did so we heard another 4-wheeler outside. One of our new neighbors (we haven't met them yet) had someone staying over that brought his ATV that had a plow on the front of it. He knocked and asked if we wanted him to plow our driveway but BJ told him that it didn't really need it right now.

Sunday morning the sun was shining and I was ready to go out and shovel another 4 inches of snow. BJ woke up very sick. He's still sick. Nasty head cold with chest congestion. I was on my own. We both have 4-wheel drive vehicles so the snow was not really a big deal to drive over. However, I don't like re-driving on packed snow because it turns to ice and 4-wheel drive is nothing when you're on ice. As I was shoveling Sunday morning I heard the distant roar of the other ATV and thought I had been saved. Not so much. The young man (punk as BJ called him) was just loading his plow up to leave. Didn't even bother to ask me if I wanted help. Little old me out there all by myself and he just ignores me. Oh well, today's youth, what can you say?

Now we are to get more snow/rain mix tonight into tomorrow morning. All during the commuting times. Can't wait. And the even better news? We are expecting another significant snow Friday into Saturday. I swear I'm not meant to get new curtains and hardware for my cabinets. :-) We already have a basketball game to make up and pictures to reschedule. We are looking at another snow storm this weekend. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for Spring.

On the TTC front, I'm hoping that BJ gets to feeling better soon so that we can get one BD in before I'm fertile. Otherwise the timing will be off and things won't happen the way I need them to. The period was very light again this cycle. I love that change in things. Still had some cramps and leg pains but other than that I hardly knew I was on my period. I have a feeling the doctor is not going to call me back after the message that I left last week. I have a regular ob/gyn appointment scheduled for the first week in March so I think I'll talk to my regular doctor about some Clomid. I don't like beating dead horses so I don't know if it's worth calling him again.

Oh, and my SIL is out of the hospital as of this morning. She's doing much better and we are hoping that she can heal the rest of the way at home. They had the mold inspectors come out today and they do have a bit of mold in their sunroom so that has to get taken care of. Although the hospital doesn't believe that is what caused or causes all the illnesses in the family. Either way, it's good to get it out of the house.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I can't believe it's that time again! That's a phrase I use when my period is about to start. "Wasn't I just ON my period?" I ask myself. The time really flies sometimes.

So a little about me...I'm 33 and I live in the NE region of the US. I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step-son that is 8. He's with us about 50% of the time. I have been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and married to my first husband. I suffer from unexplained infertility. It's very frustrating to say the least. My first husband and I did not seek any medical help as I have no coverage for the procedures. I still don't have coverage but we managed to save money (via tax refunds, over-time, paid out comp days and a little help from my parents)for 2 IUI's and an IVF. Obviously I failed at all 3 of them. I recently spoke to a new doctor that believes that I suffer from DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) as evident from my poor response during my IVF cycle. I had 5 follies, 4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilize normally and 1 abnormally. I transferred 2 beautiful grade 1 embryos in July and came up empty handed. It was our last best hope.

We are trying naturally again...temping, peeing on opk's...you know, all the stuff you do when you first start out trying before you think there may be a problem. We've had no luck. I've never seen 2 lines. I'm not sure that I ever will. But for now, I'm trying. The doctor that I saw in October knows another doctor (not with my clinic) that would do an IVF for quite a bit cheaper than my clinic. I'm going to try and get that accomplished by the end of the year. It won't be easy to save that kind of money since we just bought a new house, but I have to try.

I'm in the 2ww right now, actually. My cycles have been a bit wiggy since my IVF. I used to have perfect cycles with at least 3 days of EWCM. Not so much anymore. It's pretty sad how things have changed for me. But still we move forward.

My blog is about my TTC efforts but it's also about my new house and how that has affected my life. I also write about my step-son from time to time and may start doing it more because it's really hard to be a step-mom. I write about my family and my feelings. Some days are good and some days are not so good. But I do try to stay positive as much as I can because I think it's healthier. But you know what? Sometimes it's too damned hard to be positive, so I just be ME.

Thank you for stopping by, it's always nice to know someone is out there reading along!

A Good Thing?

BJ and I went out to a local bar/restaurant that we stumbled upon a few months ago this passed Saturday night. The first time we went there he found out that the parents of a childhood friend actually own the joint. It's close to home and small and cozy but still fun, just the way we like it. We go once every 10 days to 2 weeks, on weekends when we don't have the the Little Guy and maybe once during the week when we don't know what to have for dinner. They have great mini-burgers there and cream of crab soup! Yum-o! Anyway...we were there Saturday night watching football and BJ was getting his drink on and I even had a tiny bit myself. Please don't judge me as I know I am in the 2ww but after 9+ years, I know the reality of my situation so I'm not afraid to have a drink or 2 during this time. I always feel guilty about it but I also feel bad about giving things up for so many years of my life when there wasn't really a need to. I don't get drunk and if there was a fertilized egg in me, it wasn't even implanted yet as I was only 5DPO. I know it's a no-no, but I wanted to relax a little. I digress...

As we were sitting there looking around at the crowd, we noticed that most of the patrons are younger than us. BJ pointed out to me what a young crowd it was. There were a few people our age or older, but not many. So I had to fill him in on the secret...most people our age have at least one, if not more, kids at home and they don't go out to bars much. If he and his ex were still together, he wouldn't be at a bar on a Saturday night, either. And I said, "the only good thing, if you can call it that, about our situation is that we get to go out when we want." And he looked at me and said, "that's not a good thing". And I had to agree. I'm glad he sees it that way. I told him I'd much rather be at home watching a sleeping baby on our big new ottoman. And then I said, "well really, I should be 6 1/2 months pregnant right now, so I'd be home on the couch with a big belly and probably fall asleep around 9:00." He agreed.

Freedom is one thing and parenthood is another. I've had enough freedom. I want to be home with my baby (or my big belly) instead of out at a bar. I'd like to put the baby to bed and have a beer instead of sitting in a noisy bar watching people get drunk off their asses as the younger crowd tend to do. Maybe one day I'll get to know what it's like to tell our older friends that don't have little kids at home, "we can only go out if we can find a babysitter", or "we have to be home by 10:00 so we can take the sitter home".

Freedom sucks.