Jitters

I’m as jittery as a heroin addict that just got pulled over by the 5-0. I had my suppression check this morning. They were running very slow and it ended up taking a very long time. As I was sitting there I was wondering if any of the other ladies were in my ‘group’. I guess I’ll never know.


The blood draw went fine. They always have to get the butterfly needles for my small veins. Whatever works is what I’m fine with. Then it was u/s time. My favorite tech (her name is Hope) did the scan. As she was looking at my paper work she said, “Has it really been a year?”. Yes it has. Almost to the day, actually. She asked how I was and I told her we had moved on to DE and she was pleased to hear it. She measured my lining which is at 6.8 right now. She asked if I was on my period. I told her that I had had some spotting but no real flow as of yet. I’d been on bcp for over 40 days with no break so I think things were a little thrown off.

As she was scanning my ovaries she saw 2 small spots on my left side. Of course this is the cyst-y side. I told her it felt like I had a cyst and she said the blood work would be more telling. She said they could be follicles trying to shrink down or cysts. She doesn’t know if cysts will interfere with my cycle.

Then it was off to the nurse for final consult. Nothing remarkable happened with the nurse and I was off to schedule my next scan for 4/26.

If all goes well, I will start my estrogen shots tonight. However, I have a sinking feeling. I have a feeling that those 2 cysts or follicles or whatever the hell they are, are going to screw everything up. That is just how it usually goes. Only now, it won’t be just waiting one cycle to get going...it will be starting over and possibly having to choose another donor and go through another 3 month wait to synch up with everyone. I’m not sure how I’ll handle that. I know BJ will probably want to pull out of the program if that happens. He’s already impatient enough...more delays may push him over the edge. I’m not exaggerating. He is always telling me that he’s too old and that people will think that he’s the child’s grandfather. He has a fear of leaving the earth while his child is young. His mother died when he was 17 and his father followed 7 years later. He doesn’t want to do that to his kid.

I know I should be thinking more positive thoughts but it’s hard right now. Right now I’m waiting for a very important phone call that could go extremely well or extremely bad. And don’t even get me started on all my negative thoughts about the other recipients and their scans that probably happened today as well. If something happens to them I’m screwed, too. And what if I’m the one that messes them up? I will feel horrible. It’s a lot to handle and it’s a lot of ducks that have to line up. I’m hoping and praying that when my phone rings it’s good news. Please hope and pray with me...please.