6dp5dt - I Got Nuthin'

I was so slammed at work today that I didn't get the chance to post.  Although, as far as the cycle goes, I don't have much to report.  That makes me a little (a LOT) sad.  I know it's early yet, so I'm not giving up the hope.  I'm just settling into that place where I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't work.  You all know the place I'm talking about.  The closer it gets to test day, the more fear and dread and negative thoughts start to set in.  I'm trying to keep them at bay, really I am.  It's just really hard.  I haven't had one food aversion, not one second of nausea, not much of anything.  I've had some cramps and that's a good sign, I guess.  I haven't had a period in 79 days so I'm sure with all the estrogen and progesterone I'm pumping into my body my lining is about to burst at the seams.  That would account for the cramping I'm experiencing.  The cramps feel pretty much like period cramps.  My boobs are still sore but they haven't gotten any worse.  If anything, they have mellowed out a little.  I don't take that as a good sign.  I'm tired but it seems like no more than usual.  Ok, maybe a tad more than usual but again...the progesterone.  *sigh*
We have a really big meeting coming up on Thursday that I will spend most of tomorrow and Wednesday prepping for.  I was going to test Wednesday morning but have since thought better of it.  If it's negative I won't be able to focus on the tasks at hand.  I can't test Thursday morning, the morning of the meeting for the same reason.  Friday is my birthday and I'm so scared of seeing a stark white window that I might actually be able to wait until Saturday morning.  There will be no question of accuracy at that point.  I'm sort of going crazy wanting to know, though.  I have to have my head in the game for this meeting prep, though.  I was given more of the prepping responsibilities so I'm going to be scrutinized all the more.  Although I feel a bit distracted NOT knowing.  I'm a mess.

My weekend was great.  The Little Guy had his baseball game on Saturday.  They were losing and decided to put him in to pitch.  It was his first time this year and it's been almost a year since he last pitched.  He struck out one kid with beautiful pitches.  He tagged a runner out at home!  And then he struck out one of the other teams best hitters!  He got all 3 outs of the last inning himself!  Proud is not even the word.  And all of this while dealing with a cold.  Poor kid.

Sunday was spent outside lounging in a lawn chair while BJ washed and cleaned the inside of my truck.  He's so good to me.  And now my truck is clean and smells good and I have the beginnings of a nice tan.  We went to lunch at 5 Guys and I was able to have a caffeine free fountain cola.  Oh how I have missed my fountain colas.  I LOVE fountain colas but no one has caffeine free...except the 5 Guys by our house.  Yummy!

I'll keep you all in the loop if I break down and decide to test early.  Thank you so much for your support and your well wishes.  It really means a lot to me that you are out there.  I know I say it a lot, but it's really true.

6dp5dt - The Burning Question

When I say burning, I mean it's burning in my head.  The question is When Will I Test?

As it stands right now I have the following symptoms:
* None

I have no symptoms that couldn't just be explained away by the extra estrogen and the extra progesterone.  My belly feels a little bloated.  I'm tired.  I'm emotional (more on that in a minute).  I've felt a few twinges here and there in the ute/ovary area.  Pretty much, my ovaries are trying to get back to normal and the extra estrogen is filling up my lining more than usual so it's no wonder I've been feeling something here and there.  My boobs are sore (although, as of this morning not as much as before).

I'm too scared to test.  I get teary eyed when I think about doing it.  The good thing is that I don't own any tests right now.  Not even any opk's.  I've had a few fleeting moments where I have thought about stopping on my way home to get a test and then I just drive by all the stores without even glancing their way.  I will not wait for beta, that is for sure.  I will probably test Saturday morning.  I will be 9dp5dt.  There will be an answer.  I'm picking Saturday morning because I can't bear the thought of coming to work on Friday if it's negative.  And I'm starting to believe that it will be.  Did you just hear me catch my breath and gulp back tears?

I know it's early and that many women do not feel any symptoms this early...or at all.  However, it's just a sinking feeling that I have.  I have bad eggs that made bad embryos.  I know the reality of that mix.  I've been googling and reading message boards and blogs a lot this week.  Some women have great stories and others have crappy stories.  I'm not giving up hope but I'm definitely trying to prepare myself for reality.  I want to believe that my embryos are thriving and hanging on but I'm having a really hard time with that.  Why would this time be any different than before?

I wish I could be more positive.  I'm just too scared to be.  I was so positive through all the stimming and everything up until yesterday.  All of my emotions have come crashing down on me.  This is IT, folks.  This is my last chance to have a child of my own.  There is no more money and if there were I don't know that I could do this again.  There is so much riding on this.  My entire life will change Saturday morning with that pee stick.  If there is a blank window I fear a blank future.  I know that I have much to be thankful for in my life (I will be doing a happiness post next just to remind me) but knowing that I will not be a mother is going to be a tough pill to swallow.  A pill with razors and saw blades and barbed wire, to be exact.  It's a pill that I don't want to swallow and that I don't know (at this time) how to swallow.  If the test shows 2 lines...I don't need to explain to you how my life will change but it will be amazing.

My emotions are running so high right now.  I'm feeling down and depressed and ready to cry at anything.  My mind won't shut up with all of its "what if this didn't work?" crap.  I'm trying really hard but I just can't picture a positive outcome.  I know nothing is over until Saturday morning, but my heart feels like it's over.  My mind is trying to wrap itself around a (bio)childless future and it's bleak to say the least.  I have to find a way to push through this.  I have to reach deep inside and find strength like never before to carry on.  There have been a few times in my life where I've had to deal with major losses but I have found a way to function and now I fear that I will have to do that again.  It takes so much out of me to fight depression and I just don't want to go back there.  I'm afraid of what it will mean for my marriage.  My husband loves me but he doesn't understand my grief.  He doesn't like to see me sad which means I have to be fake and being fake with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to will suck the life out of me.  I'm not sure I can be fake this time.  I'm not sure I will be able to just move on and get over it at his speed.  I will need to do it in my own way and in my own time and I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it.  Man, this is fucking hard.

Why can't I just be normal?  Why can't I just have good eggs?  Why do I feel like I'm being punished?  There are 100 "why" questions out there and unfortunately there are no answers.  It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it now.  I will know my answer Saturday morning.  My life will change.  I hope for the better but I am preparing for the worst.