One Year Ago - Part 1

One year ago today I peed on a stick and saw a beautiful 2nd pink line staring back at me. I just knew that cycle would work. I was calm and collected, for the most part, through the whole thing. I couldn’t have been happier. I was giddy, I was dreamy eyed, I was hopeful. I was also a little scared. I had never seen 2 lines before. Not once in 10 years. I remember climbing back into bed and showing BJ the test and explaining what the 2nd line meant. He was my negative nelly. He said he’d believe it more when the doctor told us it was true. Deep down he knew we were pregnant but I think he was afraid, too. He was mostly afraid for me. He told his sister that he’d never seen me like that...as in floating on air and blissful. Not that I spent my days walking around bitter and resentful and sad and gloomy all the time, but he definitely noticed the spring in my step. He wanted it to be true for me more than for himself, I think. He didn’t want me to get hurt. He liked the sparkle in my eyes.


May 1, 2011 marks the day my life was changed forever because I finally experienced what it felt like to be a Mother. I thought about nursery decorations and how we’d tell special people and when we’d tell them. I thought about finally being able to use the name(s) I picked out so long ago. I worried that everything was ok in my uterus. I had actual symptoms of the pregnancy and not just phantom symptoms that were brought on the extra progesterone and estrogen. I couldn’t eat tomatoes for crying out loud and I was only 4 weeks (2 weeks gestational) along. It was an amazing feeling to know that we had finally succeeded. I was finally pregnant and I was going to be a Mother. The joys I felt cannot be put into words. It was also a relief. We had finally spent our money on something good and not just thrown it out the window. No more trying, no more needles, no more monitoring. Our last ditch effort paid off. I was on top of the world one year ago today.

May 1, 2012 could not be more different. I received an e-mail from my nurse earlier with the good news that our donor will be triggering tonight and retrieval is set for Thursday morning. BJ has to be there with his sample at 10:30 so my guess is that retrieval will be an hour or so after that. That is how it usually worked for us before. Her E2 level is 3986. She has 46 follicles (holy crap!) with 18 of them being measurable between 15mm and 20mm. She must be so uncomfortable right now. I’m hoping that we get at least 12 mature eggs but my guess is that we’ll get around 14 or 15, which is still awesome and plenty to go around. I hope she doesn’t suffer from OHSS. I would feel horrible. My nurse said that the donor has to come back in tomorrow to make sure she did the trigger shot correctly (gulp...that’s scary) and if she did then we are all set. Transfer will either be on 5/6 (day 3) or 5/8 (day 5). There is a small chance that it could be pushed to 5/9 depending on how everything develops. I am to continue my Delestrogen every 3 days and if the donor does the trigger correctly, I will begin my PIO shots tomorrow night. Wow. It’s really here (well, almost). Just a couple of more hurdles until an embryo will again be placed in my uterus. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m a bit scared. I’m giddy. I’m dreamy eyed.

I guess today is not really different than one year ago, is it? The feelings are actually pretty similar. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I cannot thank you all enough for being with me on this journey. I have made some pretty good connections and received some great advice and wonderful support. I do not know where my emotions would be if I didn’t have y’all to vent and cry to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following along. It means the world to me that there are perfect strangers out there willing to help and encourage and cheer me on. I hope that things continue to move forward and that this cycle works and that I get to share a pregnancy journey with you.

Thank You!

I don’t have much time so I’m going to make this quick. I just want to thank each and every one of you for your comforting comments and your (((hugs))). You all get it and that in itself means the world to me. And an extra Thank You to my buddy, Mo, who gave me a personal shout out the other day and sent even more love my way. You rock, lady!


I can’t say that I’m better, but I guess for right now I’m dealing with it better. It’s been an emotional week around here (my head) to say the least. I was dealing with my own personal crap and then an earthquake struck, a hurricane came through and someone at the office tried to burn the place down by burning up a tortilla in the office toaster oven. Earth, wind and fire....I can’t make this stuff up, people.

Again, thank you so very much. I am always amazed at the support and understanding that I receive from all of you. Although, I don’t know why...you have never failed me or judged me in any way, shape or form. I can always count on you for an understanding ear and for that I am truly grateful.

I’m going to be better about posting as I do have several things I want to get in to with you and of course I need to continue on with my family saga. We are leaving for Myrtle Beach on Wednesday and I can’t wait. I need to get out of here in the worst way. I’m getting my hair cut and my toes done tomorrow in preparation and then packing and getting everything ready so we can head out Wednesday afternoon.

Hugs and love to you all and I’ll talk at’cha later! My grandmother used to say that, “talk at’cha later”...gotta love it.

Trying to be Patient

According to my records, I am either 14 or 15dpo. According to FF, I'm 12dpo. My temperature was still above the coverline this morning. It's not unusual for me to have a longer than average leutel phase. It's not unusual for me to not spot anymore. It is unusual for me to know that we timed our bd'ing pretty well this cycle. I'm not overly moody. I'm a little gassy, but I did have chili for lunch. :-) I'm not overly tired yet. The boobs are still a little sore. I'm starting that phase in my cycle where I'm tempted to believe that maybe things could be different this time around. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but I can't help it. I'm sitting here trying to be patient awaiting AF's arrival. It's not easy. My mind is running amok thinking of the possibilities. My stomach has butterflies right now as I type this. I know I'm crazy for even thinking it, but what if?

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I want to thank all of you for your kind remarks on my previous post. Reading the nice things you guys say warms my heart. I was almost brought to tears. For real. You are such a great support system and I'm so glad that you are here for me. I'm going to write my post very soon about my cut off date/age but right now all I can think about is the fact that I haven't started spotting yet and I don't have any of my strongest indicators that AF is going to show up. I know that the likelihood of a bfp is slimmer than none, but I guess you just never know, right?

Thank You

Thank you, once again, for being there. For reading. For understanding. For just being you. I've received some of the kindest, most welcomed comments this week...especially on my FB ranting post. And to answer the main questions of "why not just hide her"...she's my ex-sil and I still feel pretty close to her. She means no harm, she's just so wrapped up in her own world that she doesn't stop to think about how her actions may affect others. Almost everyone that she is "friends" with has kids or is pg so she lives in a totally different world than I do. Although I know she knows that her brother and I were never able to conceive....she just doesn't think about that. She even changed her profile picture to her u/s picture. Anyway, enough about her. Thank you to all of those that stopped by for ICLW and left great comments. I'm sorry that we are all living in this IF world, but at least we have each other.


I was also given a couple of awards and I will post about that in a day or so. I have some other things I want to get out in the open first, but I didn't want to just skim over that. So thank you very much Patrish and AnxiousMummyto3 for my awards. I will do a better job of accepting them shortly. I appreciate every and all readers so know that I am honored to receive these awards.