Great news from my nurse regarding our left over embryos. Of the 8 that were remaining, 4 of them made it to freeze! Can you believe that? I was beyond happy to get that news. I asked her if she could tell me the grade of the frosties. She said that the highest they can be is XBAA and all 4 of ours are XBAB. Not too shabby, right? Now for the downer part of the post. Or more accurately, the reality of what this means.
Anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile knows all about what I’m about to say. Infertility is greedy. IF loves to just take and take and take and all too many times does not give anything back. Unless you count hope but most times it’s just false hope so that doesn’t count as giving.
It doesn’t matter how put together a woman is or how educated or how sophisticated she might be, when IF strikes it tries to take everything.
Time
Patience
Friendships
Hope
Money
Self esteem
Self-dignity
Self-respect
Vacations
Spontaneity
Innocence
Strength
Spirit
Faith
Not to mention the emotional drain and the strains on a marriage. IF tries to take it ALL from us. We have to fight so hard to hang onto these things that it can be utterly exhausting to do so. I’m sure that the list could be added to but this is what I came up with today. And hearing the news of my frosties reminded me of something else IF has taken from me: A chance at another child.
I had said for a long time (before actually TTC) that I only wanted 1 child. When my first husband and I started trying we were still pretty sure we’d just have one. As time went on and we struggled I realized that I didn’t want just 1 and that we’d better get on the ball so we could have 2. Then we split and I hooked up with a man that had a 4 year old. When that 4 year old turned 5 we decided to try to have our own. Now that the 4 year old is almost 11 and my husband turns 40 this year…that will not be happening. I know that 2 small children in this stage in our lives would be a lot to handle. I’m not naive about that fact. I didn’t want my child to be an only child. Yes, we have the Little Guy but there will be quite an age difference and I don’t see them being particularly close or able to play together the way siblings that are closer in age can. Also, I am mourning the loss of a second (please let this be my first) full term pregnancy. I won’t be able to learn things from this pregnancy for my next pregnancy. I only get one shot at this. I’m grateful to have this shot, please do not think I’m not grateful. I just know from reading other blogs that the desire to do it again is there and it’s strong. I wish I could say that I thought I could talk my husband into using the frosties (assuming this one takes and I’m not trying to jinx anything) to add to our family and have 2 full siblings running around the house. After a comment he made last night I am fairly certain that if we are so lucky to get a child this time that it will be our only one.
He said that after this baby is born (he’s still as hopeful as me about this) that he’s going to get snipped. He already has stated numerous times how he feels like he’s too old to start over with a child right now. I know he wants it but he wanted it more a few years ago. Join the club. If we were successful a few years ago maybe we’d be able to have another one. I don’t believe that will be happening.
So while I’m ecstatic about having 4 frosties, the thought of leaving them there or destroying them has made me very sad. And it’s not that I don’t want the one that is in me, I want them all, trust me. I’m hoping the one in me has snuggled in nice and deep and that I’ll see its little face on an u/s and hear its wonderful heartbeat and eventually hold it in my arms in January. It’s just that IF has taken the possibility for another child from me. And that is hard to handle, especially since we have 4 good looking blasts on ice. If this cycle doesn’t work then I have great hope that one of those frosties will become my child. It’s a very conflicting position to be in, that’s for sure. I hope this cycle works but if it does then those other embryos that fought to survive will be left all alone. If this cycle doesn’t work then we have 4 more chances just from the frosties. In my heart of hearts I want this cycle to work. Everyone should have the dilemma of having 4 embryos on ice, right? It’s just so unfair that IF put us in this position. No one ever taught IF to stop being so greedy.
Symptom Check (just so we end on a lighter note)
- The boobs are hurting more. I know this is because of the progesterone but my goodness are they sore.
- Last night I had some very strong “menstrual” cramps going on. They lasted about 3 minutes.
- I’ve had some twinges, but on both sides, so I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything either way.
- I’m pretty tired. Again, I’m sure it’s the progesterone.
Other than that, there really isn’t anything to report. Today would have been the final day of implantation. Real growth should be starting tomorrow. I think I might actually test before my birthday after all. I’m thinking I will test on the 16th or 17th. I will not be at work on the 18th so I can use that day to mourn or to celebrate. I will be by myself until BJ gets home from work and since it’s my birthday, I can spend it however I wish. So I can lie on the couch all day and not have to put on a happy face for anyone. Or I can flitter about the house full of hope and happiness. Either way, we’ll be going out to dinner because it’s my birthday and I will either be really happy that I can’t drink or I’ll want to have a couple of drinks. Those are my feelings right now; we’ll see what really happens next week.
Showing posts with label embryos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embryos. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
One Year Ago - Part 3
May 8, 2011 was not a good day for me. It was Mother's day and that day has always been a problem for me anyway, let alone since trying (and trying, and trying) to get pregnant. That day last year was CD1. Or as I like to refer to it, the official end of the one and only pregnancy I thought I'd ever have the chance to experience. It was a day spent on the couch watching mindless TV with my husband. I was fighting tears and hardly able to crack a smile all day. BJ was there for me but he didn't even realize that my period had started. I couldn't bring myself to say the words. It felt like saying those words would make it even more real. Hearing that my beta had dropped was hard enough but the visual proof of letting that little embryo go was almost more than I could bear (bare?).
May 8, 2012 could not be more different. I woke up on time, got ready on time and left a few minutes early because I had to get gas. The gps said I'd arrive at 8:12. Awesome. I knew I'd be later than that because of traffic but I thought for sure I had given myself enough time. The Beltway was moving well and I hadn't really encountered too many issues so far so I was beginning to relax. And then I hit the slow traffic. And then I stopped. And then I was just creeping along watching the gps adjust my arrival time minute by minute. There's a sign posted that lets drivers know when they will reach the next big turn off. It's only 9 miles or so and the sign said it would take me 37 minutes to get there. WHAT??? Cue panic-mode. I was cussing and yelling and on the verge of tears. The traffic finally lightened up and I got to my exit and parked with about 6 minutes to spare. Whew! I checked in and was seated. That is about the time my bladder filled up completely with the water I had been drinking. I was in agony. I asked the receptionist if I could empty a little. She obliged. Not 10 minutes later I was in even worse pain. No sitting position was comfortable. I had to undo my pants. I couldn't even get on FB on my phone or play Scramble or anything. I went back up to the receptionist and she assured me it would only be a few more minutes. My name was called and I could barely walk. The nurse said, "you need to go release for about 20 seconds...we can't work with you like that." Ha ha. After that everything was much more pleasant. I received some very surprising news, too. We actually had 14 eggs! Ten of them were mature and 9 fertilized. That donor was amazing, was she not? The doctor went on to ask how many we were transferring and I confirmed it would only be one. He said that was good because we actually have one grade 1A (the highest!) embryo that we are going to transfer. He said the others were at different stages of development and that they will give them 1 to 2 more days to grow before deciding on what to freeze. He thinks there will be a couple. My nurse will call me by Friday to let me know what we have left. Then the picture came up on the screen. I was amazed at how beautiful it looked. I told him it was better looking than anything I've ever produced. He laughed. He mentioned a couple of times how good the embryo looked. (an over-achiever, already?). Then in it went. The doctor said that I might feel some liquid "exiting" later but not to worry, that it wasn't the embryo. I chuckled and said that I don't want to see the embryo until January. He thought that was funny, too. I laid there, got my discharge papers/instructions, emptied my bladder the rest of the way (heaven!) and was out the door. They want me to wait until 5/21 for my beta but of course I'll be testing well before then. I had no issues getting home, of course, as the traffic had cleared out.
So today, I'm on the couch, watching mindless TV and waiting for my husband to come home from work to sit and cuddle with me. I can't seem to stop smiling...especially when I look at the picture (which brought me to tears when they first handed it to me). Today, we will admire our picture of the embryo that we are hoping will attach itself to my uterine lining (which is another thing I hope I don't see until after January).
Thank you all for your reassurances yesterday and all of your support and just for being there for me. It means a lot to me to have you all following along and cheering us on. All of your comments on my last post really helped to calm me down. Now, to make it through the next 7 days or so as I dream, ponder, worry, freak out, break down, rise high and just generally try to hold it together until I test.
Oh, and I leave you with the picture of our embryo:
May 8, 2012 could not be more different. I woke up on time, got ready on time and left a few minutes early because I had to get gas. The gps said I'd arrive at 8:12. Awesome. I knew I'd be later than that because of traffic but I thought for sure I had given myself enough time. The Beltway was moving well and I hadn't really encountered too many issues so far so I was beginning to relax. And then I hit the slow traffic. And then I stopped. And then I was just creeping along watching the gps adjust my arrival time minute by minute. There's a sign posted that lets drivers know when they will reach the next big turn off. It's only 9 miles or so and the sign said it would take me 37 minutes to get there. WHAT??? Cue panic-mode. I was cussing and yelling and on the verge of tears. The traffic finally lightened up and I got to my exit and parked with about 6 minutes to spare. Whew! I checked in and was seated. That is about the time my bladder filled up completely with the water I had been drinking. I was in agony. I asked the receptionist if I could empty a little. She obliged. Not 10 minutes later I was in even worse pain. No sitting position was comfortable. I had to undo my pants. I couldn't even get on FB on my phone or play Scramble or anything. I went back up to the receptionist and she assured me it would only be a few more minutes. My name was called and I could barely walk. The nurse said, "you need to go release for about 20 seconds...we can't work with you like that." Ha ha. After that everything was much more pleasant. I received some very surprising news, too. We actually had 14 eggs! Ten of them were mature and 9 fertilized. That donor was amazing, was she not? The doctor went on to ask how many we were transferring and I confirmed it would only be one. He said that was good because we actually have one grade 1A (the highest!) embryo that we are going to transfer. He said the others were at different stages of development and that they will give them 1 to 2 more days to grow before deciding on what to freeze. He thinks there will be a couple. My nurse will call me by Friday to let me know what we have left. Then the picture came up on the screen. I was amazed at how beautiful it looked. I told him it was better looking than anything I've ever produced. He laughed. He mentioned a couple of times how good the embryo looked. (an over-achiever, already?). Then in it went. The doctor said that I might feel some liquid "exiting" later but not to worry, that it wasn't the embryo. I chuckled and said that I don't want to see the embryo until January. He thought that was funny, too. I laid there, got my discharge papers/instructions, emptied my bladder the rest of the way (heaven!) and was out the door. They want me to wait until 5/21 for my beta but of course I'll be testing well before then. I had no issues getting home, of course, as the traffic had cleared out.
So today, I'm on the couch, watching mindless TV and waiting for my husband to come home from work to sit and cuddle with me. I can't seem to stop smiling...especially when I look at the picture (which brought me to tears when they first handed it to me). Today, we will admire our picture of the embryo that we are hoping will attach itself to my uterine lining (which is another thing I hope I don't see until after January).
Thank you all for your reassurances yesterday and all of your support and just for being there for me. It means a lot to me to have you all following along and cheering us on. All of your comments on my last post really helped to calm me down. Now, to make it through the next 7 days or so as I dream, ponder, worry, freak out, break down, rise high and just generally try to hold it together until I test.
Oh, and I leave you with the picture of our embryo:
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Wind and My Sails
There are so many highs and lows of trying to get (and stay) pregnant. To say that it’s a roller coaster is a good comparison. Another good comparison would be sailing. Along comes a great breeze that fills the sails and moves you forward toward the known (and the unknown, sometimes). You get a breath of fresh air as you are making progress forward...the wind on your face and your hair blowing about. Then all at once the wind dies down and you are now just coasting along until you come to a virtual stop...out in the middle of nowhere. The sails are limp, your eyes are watering and your hair is a tangled mess. You aren’t sure where you are. You don’t see land anywhere and you start to feel very alone and very isolated. All you have is time to sit and think about your plight. And then BLAM....here comes the wind again and you are plowing through the waves full of anticipation and excitement. I think you get my point.
That is sort of what I feel right now. I was going along just great and I feel like the wind has virtually abandoned my sails. I e-mailed my nurse to ask her if she could tell me about my embryos. She responded that all 9 are growing and that she will see me tomorrow. AWESOME news, right? I was floating on air, sailing right along. Not 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was the clinic’s main number. My doctor was on the other end. He was full of enthusiasm and it was great. He said that everything was looking good and the only question left was whether we are going to transfer 1 or 2?
Me – the plan is to transfer 1, assuming that the quality is good.
Dr. M – that’s a great plan. I won’t be there for the transfer as I’m at a conference but I wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. Things are moving along just as they should be.
Me – I know, it’s very exciting. So you think we’ll have 3 or 4 good looking blasts tomorrow?
Dr. M – mmmm....I think that’s a bit optimistic. You will probably get 1 or 2 and then we’ll see what happens on day 6 to see what you have to freeze. I suspect there will be a couple.
Ok. And that’s when it hit me. The embryos must not look that great. And oh yeah, we are not the only recipients. There are at least 15 more eggs out there (accounting for the fact that maybe we didn’t all the get the same number of eggs...I would have only gotten 1 more than the #2 recipient and she would have only gotten 1 more than the 3rd in line). Statistically speaking, when you harvest a lot of eggs only some of them are really good...a lot of them don’t make it to blast stage let alone to freeze. And if they were looking really good then Dr. M. would have been more optimistic about how many we would have tomorrow and how many we’d have left over. The thought of only have 1 or 2 good eggs out of 9 is frightening to me. I’m scared. What if we don’t even get 1? What if I’m heading up there tomorrow and they call me and tell me never mind, better luck next time? Oh I’m a mess right now.
My rear end is really sore and I’m hormonal and I’m so hoping that we are able to transfer tomorrow. Being able to freeze anything would be icing on the cake. I feel like I could throw up right now. I know I’m probably over reacting (see above where I mention being hormonal) but we’ve come so far and to have the wind taken out of my sails like that was so disheartening.
It’s going to be a long evening as I know I will be thinking about those embryos constantly. I will update tomorrow afternoon...WHEN I GET HOME FROM TRANSFERING 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST. I have to try and keep that thought racing through my head instead of the negative ones trying to take over. Fingers crossed and prayers a plenty.
That is sort of what I feel right now. I was going along just great and I feel like the wind has virtually abandoned my sails. I e-mailed my nurse to ask her if she could tell me about my embryos. She responded that all 9 are growing and that she will see me tomorrow. AWESOME news, right? I was floating on air, sailing right along. Not 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was the clinic’s main number. My doctor was on the other end. He was full of enthusiasm and it was great. He said that everything was looking good and the only question left was whether we are going to transfer 1 or 2?
Me – the plan is to transfer 1, assuming that the quality is good.
Dr. M – that’s a great plan. I won’t be there for the transfer as I’m at a conference but I wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. Things are moving along just as they should be.
Me – I know, it’s very exciting. So you think we’ll have 3 or 4 good looking blasts tomorrow?
Dr. M – mmmm....I think that’s a bit optimistic. You will probably get 1 or 2 and then we’ll see what happens on day 6 to see what you have to freeze. I suspect there will be a couple.
Ok. And that’s when it hit me. The embryos must not look that great. And oh yeah, we are not the only recipients. There are at least 15 more eggs out there (accounting for the fact that maybe we didn’t all the get the same number of eggs...I would have only gotten 1 more than the #2 recipient and she would have only gotten 1 more than the 3rd in line). Statistically speaking, when you harvest a lot of eggs only some of them are really good...a lot of them don’t make it to blast stage let alone to freeze. And if they were looking really good then Dr. M. would have been more optimistic about how many we would have tomorrow and how many we’d have left over. The thought of only have 1 or 2 good eggs out of 9 is frightening to me. I’m scared. What if we don’t even get 1? What if I’m heading up there tomorrow and they call me and tell me never mind, better luck next time? Oh I’m a mess right now.
My rear end is really sore and I’m hormonal and I’m so hoping that we are able to transfer tomorrow. Being able to freeze anything would be icing on the cake. I feel like I could throw up right now. I know I’m probably over reacting (see above where I mention being hormonal) but we’ve come so far and to have the wind taken out of my sails like that was so disheartening.
It’s going to be a long evening as I know I will be thinking about those embryos constantly. I will update tomorrow afternoon...WHEN I GET HOME FROM TRANSFERING 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST. I have to try and keep that thought racing through my head instead of the negative ones trying to take over. Fingers crossed and prayers a plenty.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Day 3 Update and Transfer Schedule
Who has 9 embryos still growing? ME! Who has a 5 day transfer scheduled for Tuesday at 9:30? ME!
I got the call yesterday at the Little Guy's baseball game that all 9 embryos were still growing and were all 4 cells! How awesome is that? I was told that I'd get a call this afternoon with an update and a schedule for transfer. Since it was 4:00 and no one had called me yet I called the answering service. Someone called back within 5 minutes. She explained that it just takes longer to get through all the calls on the weekend. Ok, then tell me that on Saturday. I was expecting an update when I always get updates, between 1:00 and 3:00. But who really cares about all that when I have 9 embryos waiting for me, right?
I never thought I'd be here again. I never thought I'd have another transfer of an embryo. I never thought I'd ever really have another shot at getting pregnant. And now I do. Wow.
I hate the time they gave me, though. That means that I will be fighting some major traffic Tuesday morning. I was hoping for 11:00 or later but it is what it is and I'm not going to complain. I'm going to get my butt out the door by 7:00 (since I have to check in at 9:00) and I'm hoping that 2 hours is enough travel time. I might change my mind later but for now, I will leave at 7:00.
Can you believe this is really happening??
I got the call yesterday at the Little Guy's baseball game that all 9 embryos were still growing and were all 4 cells! How awesome is that? I was told that I'd get a call this afternoon with an update and a schedule for transfer. Since it was 4:00 and no one had called me yet I called the answering service. Someone called back within 5 minutes. She explained that it just takes longer to get through all the calls on the weekend. Ok, then tell me that on Saturday. I was expecting an update when I always get updates, between 1:00 and 3:00. But who really cares about all that when I have 9 embryos waiting for me, right?
I never thought I'd be here again. I never thought I'd have another transfer of an embryo. I never thought I'd ever really have another shot at getting pregnant. And now I do. Wow.
I hate the time they gave me, though. That means that I will be fighting some major traffic Tuesday morning. I was hoping for 11:00 or later but it is what it is and I'm not going to complain. I'm going to get my butt out the door by 7:00 (since I have to check in at 9:00) and I'm hoping that 2 hours is enough travel time. I might change my mind later but for now, I will leave at 7:00.
Can you believe this is really happening??
Friday, May 4, 2012
Fertilization Report and Other Musings
• All 9 eggs were fertilized with ICSI. I received an e-mail this morning that ALL 9 are growing! That’s great news. The best news, actually. I responded with an e-mail of my own asking that a phone call be used to update me tomorrow because their e-mails keep going to my spam folder (even though I listed them as “safe”) and I don’t have access to spam on my phone. We will be out and about tomorrow so I don’t want to miss anything. I also asked if the transfer date would be decided tomorrow. She said that if we are having a 3 day transfer that they will give me a time tomorrow, but she suspects we’ll have a 5 day transfer. Another bit of great news. Here’s to hoping that we have at least 4 survive to day 5. I know the stats so I think 5 good blasts could be a reality. Although, these are not the donors only eggs so I guess time will tell.
• My husband sent me a text earlier that went something like this: I got a bbq sandwich for lunch and dropped some on my white shirt. Just to give you an idea, this man spills food on himself all the time. I can’t tell you how many shirts have had to be treated with a stain remover before going into the washing machine. So I responded with: Of course. We need to get you some bibs. You and the baby can get matching ones. And he came back with: Yeah, we can compete to see who is messier, me or the baby. It was strange but really good to talk about “the baby”. Even in this context. A baby...really? Us? Fingers crossed.
• I went and got a pedicure today. Two things of note happened while I was there. The lady, whom I’ve been going to for a few years, now said to me, “did I ever tell you that you have really pretty feet? You could be a foot model.” I’ve gotten compliments on my feet before from pedicurists so I have an enlarged ego about my feet as it is. :-) She went on to tell me that she looks at the feet of models in magazines and catalogs and thinks I have nicer feet than a lot of them. I smiled and thanked her. And then I did something totally horrible. I wondered to myself what our donor’s feet look like. I have my dad’s big toe but the rest of my foot (besides the size) is from my mom... exactly like her feet. We’ve always thought it was pretty cool to have the same feet. If I have a girl, there’s no chance those feet get passed on. It was a fleeting thought but it’s one of those things that take you by surprise. I felt like an ass for even thinking such a thing. And no, it doesn’t matter what my daughter’s feet might look like...it’s just something I thought and lamented a little bit. This whole donor egg thing is an ongoing process. I’m sure that is not the last time I will have a thought like that. I’m also pretty sure that once that baby is in my arms none of this petty stuff will matter. It doesn’t really matter right now but the thoughts come and go. If anyone reading this feels like an ass for lamenting a genetic loss to your child, you are not alone. I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about these things. It’s almost healthy, dare I say? I mean, how many of us wonder what traits of ours and what traits of our husbands our child(ren) will get? I wonder if the donor would take a picture of her feet and send it to my nurse. Just kidding.
• I’m getting pretty cocky in believing we will get a baby out of this, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I know that DE is not a magic ticket to motherhood. I’ve read enough message boards to know that, unfortunately. However, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my mind and body at ease through this process. The way I see it is that we paid for 6 cycles and all resulting frozen cycles so of course it will happen on the first try, right? Plus, I have 9 embryos growing right now. How can one not be positive and a little cocky at that prospect? Especially someone that could never manage more than 3 embryos.
• I plan on drinking alcohol this weekend. I told BJ that the other night and he comes back with, “I’m gonna get fuuuuuucked up!” I clarified that I was the one doing the drinking this weekend and HE would be the driver. And he said, “hell no...we’ll both get smashed.” And I said, “Who will drive us home?” And then he turns around, sticks his thumb out and sways from side to side...”someone will pick us up.” He cracks me up. I think I’ll keep him.
• My PIO shot last night was interesting. I didn’t hit a blood vessel which was nice but I leaked oil. It seemed like a lot of oil but I can only assume this is normal and that not that much really ran out. At least I hope that’s the case. Any PIO vets out there that can assure me that I’m ok if some leaks out....please? Also, I now have 2 sore butt cheeks. I hope that they continue to be sore for the next 7 to 9 weeks. Or however long someone normally stays on PIO to support a pregnancy.
• No big plans for the weekend unless we have to unexpectedly have embryos transferred on Sunday. I hope that’s not the case. The weather is supposed to be wonderful and we have the LG’s baseball game tomorrow and some yard work that needs done. I also have a very important hockey game to watch. Oh and of course the drinking I plan on doing. I told BJ we should get some 2x4’s for the basement so we can get started on it this fall or winter. I will need to get my scrapping stuff out of the spare bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. See? I’m really getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not jinxing anything...I just hope and pray that one of those 9 little embies becomes my take home baby.
I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be updating on Monday with transfer plans! Unless I’m thrown a major curveball and have to go in on Sunday. ACK! Let’s hope not. Let’s hope that the next time you hear from me I’m telling you what time my beautiful blast will be transferred into my uterus for the next 9 months!
• My husband sent me a text earlier that went something like this: I got a bbq sandwich for lunch and dropped some on my white shirt. Just to give you an idea, this man spills food on himself all the time. I can’t tell you how many shirts have had to be treated with a stain remover before going into the washing machine. So I responded with: Of course. We need to get you some bibs. You and the baby can get matching ones. And he came back with: Yeah, we can compete to see who is messier, me or the baby. It was strange but really good to talk about “the baby”. Even in this context. A baby...really? Us? Fingers crossed.
• I went and got a pedicure today. Two things of note happened while I was there. The lady, whom I’ve been going to for a few years, now said to me, “did I ever tell you that you have really pretty feet? You could be a foot model.” I’ve gotten compliments on my feet before from pedicurists so I have an enlarged ego about my feet as it is. :-) She went on to tell me that she looks at the feet of models in magazines and catalogs and thinks I have nicer feet than a lot of them. I smiled and thanked her. And then I did something totally horrible. I wondered to myself what our donor’s feet look like. I have my dad’s big toe but the rest of my foot (besides the size) is from my mom... exactly like her feet. We’ve always thought it was pretty cool to have the same feet. If I have a girl, there’s no chance those feet get passed on. It was a fleeting thought but it’s one of those things that take you by surprise. I felt like an ass for even thinking such a thing. And no, it doesn’t matter what my daughter’s feet might look like...it’s just something I thought and lamented a little bit. This whole donor egg thing is an ongoing process. I’m sure that is not the last time I will have a thought like that. I’m also pretty sure that once that baby is in my arms none of this petty stuff will matter. It doesn’t really matter right now but the thoughts come and go. If anyone reading this feels like an ass for lamenting a genetic loss to your child, you are not alone. I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about these things. It’s almost healthy, dare I say? I mean, how many of us wonder what traits of ours and what traits of our husbands our child(ren) will get? I wonder if the donor would take a picture of her feet and send it to my nurse. Just kidding.
• I’m getting pretty cocky in believing we will get a baby out of this, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I know that DE is not a magic ticket to motherhood. I’ve read enough message boards to know that, unfortunately. However, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my mind and body at ease through this process. The way I see it is that we paid for 6 cycles and all resulting frozen cycles so of course it will happen on the first try, right? Plus, I have 9 embryos growing right now. How can one not be positive and a little cocky at that prospect? Especially someone that could never manage more than 3 embryos.
• I plan on drinking alcohol this weekend. I told BJ that the other night and he comes back with, “I’m gonna get fuuuuuucked up!” I clarified that I was the one doing the drinking this weekend and HE would be the driver. And he said, “hell no...we’ll both get smashed.” And I said, “Who will drive us home?” And then he turns around, sticks his thumb out and sways from side to side...”someone will pick us up.” He cracks me up. I think I’ll keep him.
• My PIO shot last night was interesting. I didn’t hit a blood vessel which was nice but I leaked oil. It seemed like a lot of oil but I can only assume this is normal and that not that much really ran out. At least I hope that’s the case. Any PIO vets out there that can assure me that I’m ok if some leaks out....please? Also, I now have 2 sore butt cheeks. I hope that they continue to be sore for the next 7 to 9 weeks. Or however long someone normally stays on PIO to support a pregnancy.
• No big plans for the weekend unless we have to unexpectedly have embryos transferred on Sunday. I hope that’s not the case. The weather is supposed to be wonderful and we have the LG’s baseball game tomorrow and some yard work that needs done. I also have a very important hockey game to watch. Oh and of course the drinking I plan on doing. I told BJ we should get some 2x4’s for the basement so we can get started on it this fall or winter. I will need to get my scrapping stuff out of the spare bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. See? I’m really getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not jinxing anything...I just hope and pray that one of those 9 little embies becomes my take home baby.
I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be updating on Monday with transfer plans! Unless I’m thrown a major curveball and have to go in on Sunday. ACK! Let’s hope not. Let’s hope that the next time you hear from me I’m telling you what time my beautiful blast will be transferred into my uterus for the next 9 months!
Monday, April 25, 2011
4dp5dt - Spring Break is Over
My Spring break is over and I'm not at all happy about it. I have not taken that much time off (during nice weather months) in years. I didn't HAVE to do anything, really. I just puttered around and did what I WANTED to do. I loved every minute of it. Some of the things I did while I was off: got my oil changed, saw a movie with the Little Guy, got a pedicure, shopped for ME (I got 2 shorts, 2 capris, 1 jeans and new sandals for $140!), straightened up the garage, tried new recipes, got waxed, took naps...what's not to love?
A quick "welcome" to anyone visiting for ICLW! It's nice to have you here. You can get a quick glimpse of what my TTC history looks like over in my side bar. I am currently in my 2ww of my final attempt at conceiving a child. The cycle went better than I expected in some areas and has been a little disappointing in others. I keep telling myself that "it is what it is" at this point. We transferred 2 "ok, grade C" (my doctor's words) embryos last Thursday. I'm trying not to get wrapped up in too much hope and confidence while also trying to stay as positive as I can. The voices in my head can be very conflicting at times. :-)
Thanks to a couple of my blogging buddies I know that today my embryo(s) should be burying deeper into my lining. I'm hoping that is the case. I'm not feeling anything, of course. Well, aside from the constant ache of my boobs. They have been hurting since about day 3 of my bcp. It eased up a little once I started my stims but then as my E2 continued to rise and we added my trigger shot to the mix they have started hurting again. Yesterday they began hurting even worse. I think the Estrace twice a day and the Edometrin 3 times a day is catching up to me. I can hardly bear to be without a bra. And it's not like I have a full rack, either. I'm a measly A cup for crying out loud This is probably the only time in my life that I'm glad to be small chested.
I'm back at work and it sucks. The weather is wonderful outside and I'm stuck in here. Man, I wish I could be a stay at home woman. BJ took today off to spend the day with the Little Guy, it's his last day of Spring break. They are going to have a guys day. I'm not sure what that entails, exactly, but I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.
I'm going to write a quick post in honor of NIAW and "Bust a Myth" shortly. I have a myth that I'd like to bust. I only wish I were brave enough to really "come out" of the Infertility Closet. Here is a picture of my little embabies. They aren't much to look at but they are ours and I am loving them with my whole heart right now. The one on the left is the "better" one. They are both pretty fragmented but I'm still hoping at least one of them sticks.
A quick "welcome" to anyone visiting for ICLW! It's nice to have you here. You can get a quick glimpse of what my TTC history looks like over in my side bar. I am currently in my 2ww of my final attempt at conceiving a child. The cycle went better than I expected in some areas and has been a little disappointing in others. I keep telling myself that "it is what it is" at this point. We transferred 2 "ok, grade C" (my doctor's words) embryos last Thursday. I'm trying not to get wrapped up in too much hope and confidence while also trying to stay as positive as I can. The voices in my head can be very conflicting at times. :-)
Thanks to a couple of my blogging buddies I know that today my embryo(s) should be burying deeper into my lining. I'm hoping that is the case. I'm not feeling anything, of course. Well, aside from the constant ache of my boobs. They have been hurting since about day 3 of my bcp. It eased up a little once I started my stims but then as my E2 continued to rise and we added my trigger shot to the mix they have started hurting again. Yesterday they began hurting even worse. I think the Estrace twice a day and the Edometrin 3 times a day is catching up to me. I can hardly bear to be without a bra. And it's not like I have a full rack, either. I'm a measly A cup for crying out loud This is probably the only time in my life that I'm glad to be small chested.
I'm back at work and it sucks. The weather is wonderful outside and I'm stuck in here. Man, I wish I could be a stay at home woman. BJ took today off to spend the day with the Little Guy, it's his last day of Spring break. They are going to have a guys day. I'm not sure what that entails, exactly, but I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.
I'm going to write a quick post in honor of NIAW and "Bust a Myth" shortly. I have a myth that I'd like to bust. I only wish I were brave enough to really "come out" of the Infertility Closet. Here is a picture of my little embabies. They aren't much to look at but they are ours and I am loving them with my whole heart right now. The one on the left is the "better" one. They are both pretty fragmented but I'm still hoping at least one of them sticks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
