Great news from my nurse regarding our left over embryos. Of the 8 that were remaining, 4 of them made it to freeze! Can you believe that? I was beyond happy to get that news. I asked her if she could tell me the grade of the frosties. She said that the highest they can be is XBAA and all 4 of ours are XBAB. Not too shabby, right? Now for the downer part of the post. Or more accurately, the reality of what this means.
Anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile knows all about what I’m about to say. Infertility is greedy. IF loves to just take and take and take and all too many times does not give anything back. Unless you count hope but most times it’s just false hope so that doesn’t count as giving.
It doesn’t matter how put together a woman is or how educated or how sophisticated she might be, when IF strikes it tries to take everything.
Time
Patience
Friendships
Hope
Money
Self esteem
Self-dignity
Self-respect
Vacations
Spontaneity
Innocence
Strength
Spirit
Faith
Not to mention the emotional drain and the strains on a marriage. IF tries to take it ALL from us. We have to fight so hard to hang onto these things that it can be utterly exhausting to do so. I’m sure that the list could be added to but this is what I came up with today. And hearing the news of my frosties reminded me of something else IF has taken from me: A chance at another child.
I had said for a long time (before actually TTC) that I only wanted 1 child. When my first husband and I started trying we were still pretty sure we’d just have one. As time went on and we struggled I realized that I didn’t want just 1 and that we’d better get on the ball so we could have 2. Then we split and I hooked up with a man that had a 4 year old. When that 4 year old turned 5 we decided to try to have our own. Now that the 4 year old is almost 11 and my husband turns 40 this year…that will not be happening. I know that 2 small children in this stage in our lives would be a lot to handle. I’m not naive about that fact. I didn’t want my child to be an only child. Yes, we have the Little Guy but there will be quite an age difference and I don’t see them being particularly close or able to play together the way siblings that are closer in age can. Also, I am mourning the loss of a second (please let this be my first) full term pregnancy. I won’t be able to learn things from this pregnancy for my next pregnancy. I only get one shot at this. I’m grateful to have this shot, please do not think I’m not grateful. I just know from reading other blogs that the desire to do it again is there and it’s strong. I wish I could say that I thought I could talk my husband into using the frosties (assuming this one takes and I’m not trying to jinx anything) to add to our family and have 2 full siblings running around the house. After a comment he made last night I am fairly certain that if we are so lucky to get a child this time that it will be our only one.
He said that after this baby is born (he’s still as hopeful as me about this) that he’s going to get snipped. He already has stated numerous times how he feels like he’s too old to start over with a child right now. I know he wants it but he wanted it more a few years ago. Join the club. If we were successful a few years ago maybe we’d be able to have another one. I don’t believe that will be happening.
So while I’m ecstatic about having 4 frosties, the thought of leaving them there or destroying them has made me very sad. And it’s not that I don’t want the one that is in me, I want them all, trust me. I’m hoping the one in me has snuggled in nice and deep and that I’ll see its little face on an u/s and hear its wonderful heartbeat and eventually hold it in my arms in January. It’s just that IF has taken the possibility for another child from me. And that is hard to handle, especially since we have 4 good looking blasts on ice. If this cycle doesn’t work then I have great hope that one of those frosties will become my child. It’s a very conflicting position to be in, that’s for sure. I hope this cycle works but if it does then those other embryos that fought to survive will be left all alone. If this cycle doesn’t work then we have 4 more chances just from the frosties. In my heart of hearts I want this cycle to work. Everyone should have the dilemma of having 4 embryos on ice, right? It’s just so unfair that IF put us in this position. No one ever taught IF to stop being so greedy.
Symptom Check (just so we end on a lighter note)
- The boobs are hurting more. I know this is because of the progesterone but my goodness are they sore.
- Last night I had some very strong “menstrual” cramps going on. They lasted about 3 minutes.
- I’ve had some twinges, but on both sides, so I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything either way.
- I’m pretty tired. Again, I’m sure it’s the progesterone.
Other than that, there really isn’t anything to report. Today would have been the final day of implantation. Real growth should be starting tomorrow. I think I might actually test before my birthday after all. I’m thinking I will test on the 16th or 17th. I will not be at work on the 18th so I can use that day to mourn or to celebrate. I will be by myself until BJ gets home from work and since it’s my birthday, I can spend it however I wish. So I can lie on the couch all day and not have to put on a happy face for anyone. Or I can flitter about the house full of hope and happiness. Either way, we’ll be going out to dinner because it’s my birthday and I will either be really happy that I can’t drink or I’ll want to have a couple of drinks. Those are my feelings right now; we’ll see what really happens next week.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Living Vicariously
Back in the day...many, many years ago when I first started TTC, I couldn’t get enough of all things “baby”. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Stories, Maternity Ward, I read pregnancy journals online (the very first blogs!), I joined TTC message boards, I browsed the baby section in stores, I searched the web constantly for nursery ideas...I was all consumed. It was fun. I was full of hopes and dreams and I was sure I would get pregnant the very next cycle. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t wait to start my own pregnancy journal and was just so excited to experience all of what those women were going through. And then the years dragged on. My (then) SIL started popping out kids like a Pez dispenser, my sister got knocked up accidentally and my brother’s girlfriend did the same. Ladies at work were having kids. Life was passing me by. My marriage fell apart and no sooner did the ex hook up with someone, she got knocked up. It seemed hopeless to say the least.
For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.
Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*
I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.
This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.
So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.
For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.
Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*
I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.
This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.
So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Road Ahead
I’m on CD25 right now. My last cycle was 25 days, a little short for me but not too strange. I continuously have 25-27 day cycles and a 15-16 day luteal phase. According to my FF chart and my ovulation pain, I’m 13DPO today. Most likely, AF will be here Saturday or Sunday. Our appointment is Tuesday. That would probably be CD 3 or 4. How cool would it be if I could get on suppression drugs right now and jump right in instead of having to wait? We don’t have to give them any money until we reserve a donor and pulling a check from my 401k only takes a few days...I could have it ready and waiting. I know it will probably not work like that but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
My lovely bloggy buddy, Mo, over at Mommy Odyssey shared a link with me today to another blog that brought tears to my eyes. It doesn’t take much these days since I’m hormonal due to the impending arrival of AF, but still, it was very moving. If you or anyone you know is struggling with how to share the news of donor egg conception with their child, this is a great way.
http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/06/mommys-garden/
I’m hoping right along with all of you that this really will work for us. There are still so many variables that are unknown. Look how long it took us to find out that my eggs are crap. I feel pretty confident that this road will lead to a child but I’m trying not to count my chickens before they are hatched. Ha ha, pun intended...even though that’s pretty corny.
I’ve been thinking about what (if anything) to tell our families. Well, really just BJ’s family. I might have to bring my dad into this because we may need to borrow a tiny bit of the fee from him. I also just want to be up front with him about what we are going through. I will admit that I’m a little scared at his and my step-mom’s reaction. They don’t fully understand the science of donor conception (or IVF for that matter) and I hope they won’t have an issue with a child not being biologically related to them. I think they are pretty open minded and they definitely understand my desires so hopefully it will go over well. As far as BJ’s family goes, I’m thinking that we will only tell them that we did IVF again (if it works). I don’t think it will be a big deal but I don’t want anyone from his sister’s husband’s family to know. I would like to keep some things private and I think that’s ok. Plus, the child will be biologically related to BJ so it will still be a link in that family chain. My SIL is very sweet but she can be very insensitive (unknowingly) sometimes when it has come to my infertility. The last thing I want is for her to cringe at the idea of “another woman’s baby” being inside me or making some remark to that effect, you know? Not that she would, but you just never know. I have no idea what to tell the LG. I mean, he’s almost 11 so they will be learning all about eggs and sperm in school either this year or next year. And again, the child will be biologically related to him so it should be fine, right? I feel that he has a right to know as much as the child does...right?
As for the 3 non-family people (my old boss and 2 co-workers) that know of our loss from before I think I will tell them that we did IVF again, too. No harm in that.
I registered on a DE forum so that I could post some of my questions but then I chickened out and decided not to post anything. I need to make a list of questions to ask Dr. M next week because I know my mind will go blank when we get in there. One major question I have is about the medications I will be taking. Is the Lupron the same as in an IVF cycle? I know the dosage would be different and it wouldn’t be mixed with stimulants but I need to know if my insurance will cover it. They covered the Lupron for my IVFs so I’m hoping it’s the same medication...although I’ve hear people call it depot Lupron so I’m worried that it’s not the same. Do any of you know?
The road ahead is full of questions and unknowns, isn’t it? This process will be a whole new education for us, that is for sure. My husband actually asked me the craziest question the other night, and no, I’m not making this up...we were talking about his swimmers mixing with another woman’s eggs and I told him that he was cheating on me. Just joking around of course. And then he says, “That doesn’t happen internally, does it?” Oh my. I had to chuckle at that. I then explained that it happens in a dish, just like it did with our IVFs and that no, they do not put his sperm in another woman and then take out the fertilized egg. He trips me out sometimes. Hopefully you got a kick out of that, too.
Less than a week, people!!!
My lovely bloggy buddy, Mo, over at Mommy Odyssey shared a link with me today to another blog that brought tears to my eyes. It doesn’t take much these days since I’m hormonal due to the impending arrival of AF, but still, it was very moving. If you or anyone you know is struggling with how to share the news of donor egg conception with their child, this is a great way.
http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/06/mommys-garden/
I’m hoping right along with all of you that this really will work for us. There are still so many variables that are unknown. Look how long it took us to find out that my eggs are crap. I feel pretty confident that this road will lead to a child but I’m trying not to count my chickens before they are hatched. Ha ha, pun intended...even though that’s pretty corny.
I’ve been thinking about what (if anything) to tell our families. Well, really just BJ’s family. I might have to bring my dad into this because we may need to borrow a tiny bit of the fee from him. I also just want to be up front with him about what we are going through. I will admit that I’m a little scared at his and my step-mom’s reaction. They don’t fully understand the science of donor conception (or IVF for that matter) and I hope they won’t have an issue with a child not being biologically related to them. I think they are pretty open minded and they definitely understand my desires so hopefully it will go over well. As far as BJ’s family goes, I’m thinking that we will only tell them that we did IVF again (if it works). I don’t think it will be a big deal but I don’t want anyone from his sister’s husband’s family to know. I would like to keep some things private and I think that’s ok. Plus, the child will be biologically related to BJ so it will still be a link in that family chain. My SIL is very sweet but she can be very insensitive (unknowingly) sometimes when it has come to my infertility. The last thing I want is for her to cringe at the idea of “another woman’s baby” being inside me or making some remark to that effect, you know? Not that she would, but you just never know. I have no idea what to tell the LG. I mean, he’s almost 11 so they will be learning all about eggs and sperm in school either this year or next year. And again, the child will be biologically related to him so it should be fine, right? I feel that he has a right to know as much as the child does...right?
As for the 3 non-family people (my old boss and 2 co-workers) that know of our loss from before I think I will tell them that we did IVF again, too. No harm in that.
I registered on a DE forum so that I could post some of my questions but then I chickened out and decided not to post anything. I need to make a list of questions to ask Dr. M next week because I know my mind will go blank when we get in there. One major question I have is about the medications I will be taking. Is the Lupron the same as in an IVF cycle? I know the dosage would be different and it wouldn’t be mixed with stimulants but I need to know if my insurance will cover it. They covered the Lupron for my IVFs so I’m hoping it’s the same medication...although I’ve hear people call it depot Lupron so I’m worried that it’s not the same. Do any of you know?
The road ahead is full of questions and unknowns, isn’t it? This process will be a whole new education for us, that is for sure. My husband actually asked me the craziest question the other night, and no, I’m not making this up...we were talking about his swimmers mixing with another woman’s eggs and I told him that he was cheating on me. Just joking around of course. And then he says, “That doesn’t happen internally, does it?” Oh my. I had to chuckle at that. I then explained that it happens in a dish, just like it did with our IVFs and that no, they do not put his sperm in another woman and then take out the fertilized egg. He trips me out sometimes. Hopefully you got a kick out of that, too.
Less than a week, people!!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A Whirling Head
I first need to thank all of you for your supportive and uplifting comments on my last post. I haven’t heard from some of you in quite a while and it’s good to know you are still out there! :-) Now maybe you will update your own blogs...hint, hint. Just kidding. And I know that Blogger was/is being a pain with commenting as I have had my own issues so thank you to those that sent me e-mails, too!
If I thought deciding to do fertility treatments like IUI and IVF were a roller coaster ride, I had no idea what I was in for when we made the decision to try this donor egg procedure. Oh.my.gosh. I go from being totally excited and thinking about all the possibilities of getting pregnant again and turning my scrapping room into a nursery and all the other great thoughts that come along with TTC in general, to completely turning against myself and convincing myself that 1) they won’t let us do the shared risk plan and 2) it won’t work anyway so why are we even bothering to do this?
I’m a mess. I found a message board about donor egg and was very surprised at some of the stories of these women. I know that there is no “magic ticket” out there but I felt pretty confident that de must be the way to go and that after 6 fresh (and however many FET’s) cycles that we’d surely bring a baby home. That is not always the case and I was smacked with that reality when I found that message board. There are some women that have done 4 fresh cycles and still do not have a baby. I don’t want to be one of those women. It’s so scary to think that it might not work. And then I think that if God really wanted me to have a baby that he would have given me one by now. Then my thoughts turn to things like thinking that God just wants to see how truly determined I am and then he will bless us with a de baby. Like I said above, I’m a mess.
I feel ok inside with doing this and I think that is half the battle. I don’t think I will love a de baby any less. The LG is not mine through biology but I love him and treat him as though he were mine. I do worry about how the child will feel and if it will matter. Of course I would tell the child, I’m just not sure how to go about that. I know that if this works I have quite a few years before I have to worry about it, but it should be something to think about now, too.
BJ and I have started talking more and more about “if we have one”, “if this works” and things like that. We have not been as careful as we should and I have tried to catch myself around the LG and I’ve made attempts to get BJ to be a little more aware. He’s a smart kid and I think he would catch on to something. Not necessarily what we are doing but that we are planning/hoping for a baby in the not too distant future.
I went into bedbathandbeyond last week and boy have they changed that store since the last time I was in there. They have a HUGE baby section now and it’s not avoidable like most other stores’ baby sections. When I saw it I was sad because I know that we should have a baby now and I should have been shopping for more baby gear but at the same time I was also filled with hope. The sadness was more of a longing and not so much of a kick to the stomach if that makes any sense. I miss my lost baby every day. I read a post by someone (I’m sorry that I can’t remember who) that said that she missed her lost babies, too, but that if they had not been lost she would not have the beautiful children she has now. That is exactly how I feel. I have so much hope for the future (and I hope I’m not crushed this time) that might be out there for us and the baby that is (hopefully) yet to come. It’s hard to explain, really. I hope I’m making sense and if not then you know how I feel...unable to make heads or tails out of all of this sometimes.
Our appointment is 7 days away...wow. I think that having this much time in between making the appointment and actually going to the appointment has given me way too much time to over think and over analyze and over worry and, yes, over hope. It’s not easy waiting for such a monumental event. Yes, I realize it’s just the start, but it’s a START. After all this time of thinking I was at a dead end, I can sort of see the clearing in the path ahead. I’m hoping that I have the tools to make it through. If I don’t have the tools I’m hoping that God will help me find the strength and another set of tools to make it through. There’s so much riding on this. I’m not sure I can hit that dead end again and start all over with my grieving process. It almost seems like too much to bear (bare?).
So for now we are going to stay positive and try to keep a level head and try not to talk myself down...this is going to be good. We are going to succeed and I’m going to be a mom. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a bigger fall. Hang on everyone, this ride is just beginning.
If I thought deciding to do fertility treatments like IUI and IVF were a roller coaster ride, I had no idea what I was in for when we made the decision to try this donor egg procedure. Oh.my.gosh. I go from being totally excited and thinking about all the possibilities of getting pregnant again and turning my scrapping room into a nursery and all the other great thoughts that come along with TTC in general, to completely turning against myself and convincing myself that 1) they won’t let us do the shared risk plan and 2) it won’t work anyway so why are we even bothering to do this?
I’m a mess. I found a message board about donor egg and was very surprised at some of the stories of these women. I know that there is no “magic ticket” out there but I felt pretty confident that de must be the way to go and that after 6 fresh (and however many FET’s) cycles that we’d surely bring a baby home. That is not always the case and I was smacked with that reality when I found that message board. There are some women that have done 4 fresh cycles and still do not have a baby. I don’t want to be one of those women. It’s so scary to think that it might not work. And then I think that if God really wanted me to have a baby that he would have given me one by now. Then my thoughts turn to things like thinking that God just wants to see how truly determined I am and then he will bless us with a de baby. Like I said above, I’m a mess.
I feel ok inside with doing this and I think that is half the battle. I don’t think I will love a de baby any less. The LG is not mine through biology but I love him and treat him as though he were mine. I do worry about how the child will feel and if it will matter. Of course I would tell the child, I’m just not sure how to go about that. I know that if this works I have quite a few years before I have to worry about it, but it should be something to think about now, too.
BJ and I have started talking more and more about “if we have one”, “if this works” and things like that. We have not been as careful as we should and I have tried to catch myself around the LG and I’ve made attempts to get BJ to be a little more aware. He’s a smart kid and I think he would catch on to something. Not necessarily what we are doing but that we are planning/hoping for a baby in the not too distant future.
I went into bedbathandbeyond last week and boy have they changed that store since the last time I was in there. They have a HUGE baby section now and it’s not avoidable like most other stores’ baby sections. When I saw it I was sad because I know that we should have a baby now and I should have been shopping for more baby gear but at the same time I was also filled with hope. The sadness was more of a longing and not so much of a kick to the stomach if that makes any sense. I miss my lost baby every day. I read a post by someone (I’m sorry that I can’t remember who) that said that she missed her lost babies, too, but that if they had not been lost she would not have the beautiful children she has now. That is exactly how I feel. I have so much hope for the future (and I hope I’m not crushed this time) that might be out there for us and the baby that is (hopefully) yet to come. It’s hard to explain, really. I hope I’m making sense and if not then you know how I feel...unable to make heads or tails out of all of this sometimes.
Our appointment is 7 days away...wow. I think that having this much time in between making the appointment and actually going to the appointment has given me way too much time to over think and over analyze and over worry and, yes, over hope. It’s not easy waiting for such a monumental event. Yes, I realize it’s just the start, but it’s a START. After all this time of thinking I was at a dead end, I can sort of see the clearing in the path ahead. I’m hoping that I have the tools to make it through. If I don’t have the tools I’m hoping that God will help me find the strength and another set of tools to make it through. There’s so much riding on this. I’m not sure I can hit that dead end again and start all over with my grieving process. It almost seems like too much to bear (bare?).
So for now we are going to stay positive and try to keep a level head and try not to talk myself down...this is going to be good. We are going to succeed and I’m going to be a mom. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a bigger fall. Hang on everyone, this ride is just beginning.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Where's the Light?
Where’s the light at the end of the tunnel? It’s a very common saying when someone is going through a rough time. It’s also used as flippantly as when someone is exercising and they can’t wait to stop. I’m still looking for my light. The “light” symbolizes that a bad/uncomfortable situation is about to get better...that you are almost through it. I see no signs of that light.
I feel like I’m actually going backwards in my healing process. Pregnant bellies make my eyes well up with tears like never before. It affects me so profoundly sometimes that I forget, just for a second or two, where I’m going or what I was in the middle of saying or thinking.
There are the normal, everyday reminders of IF that we all face...babies, children, families, pregnant bellies etc. And then there are the reminders that some us that have step-children face – the field trips we don’t get to go on because the “real” mom gets first choice and of course she wants to go, having to call the child your “step” child when in public...things like that. It really hurts sometimes. No, it hurts all the time.
I’ve figured out why I can’t stay motivated to eat less and work out more. I really want to lose some weight and some inches and just be more physically healthy. However, I can’t seem to stay on track for more than a week, if that. The answer hit me the other day. I’m angry at my body and even though I know we are supposed to be good to our bodies, I don’t want to be. I’m angry because my body has let me down. My body has not been good to ME (in the reproductive sense) so why should I be good to IT? I know it might sound strange, but that epiphany struck a chord with me. I’m a healthy adult. I have had blood work done and I’m very healthy. The only issue is my underactive thyroid, something I don’t have much control over without medication, which I take every day. I rarely drink, have never done drugs or smoked so over all I think I’ve been pretty good to my bodily health. I’m not over weight, at least I don’t think I am. I’m 5’2” and weigh about 132. I would like to lose about 10 pounds and a couple of inches to feel better about my image, though. I’ve lost my will power to say “no” to certain things. Back in late 2004, early 2005 I lost 35 pounds and I felt great. I’ve gained almost 25 of those pounds back, mostly over the last 2 years. Are we seeing a connection? I started fertility treatments in early 2009...hmmmm....seems to all add up doesn’t it?
I wish I knew how to get out of this funk. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I feel lost in the tunnel. I lean up against the kitchen counter and look down at my non-pregnant belly and it’s like a slap in the face. I think to myself, “I should be 25 weeks pregnant and I should not be able to lean up against this counter like this”. It’s torture to say the least. I think that’s why the pregnant bellies bother me so much now...because I should be there. It’s not a longing like it was before I saw those 2 lines. It’s more of a feeling of loss now. I lost my chance to have that big belly when my body failed me by giving me bad eggs. My body failed me by letting my baby go. Why should I do anything nice for my body?
I know there is no answer for what I’m going through except to give myself more time. I just wish I knew when it would get better. The smallest things bring me to tears anymore. Things like the new show Up All Night. The first (or maybe second) episode had the mom coming home from work after the baby was in bed. At the end of the show the mom is talking to her daughter and promised her that if she weren’t there at bed time that she’d always be there when she woke up. It was a simple thing, but it made me cry. I’ll never have that sort of “conversation” with my child. I can’t read sappy new mom blog posts without my eyes welling up. I’m posting comments through tears because I want to feel as grateful as the new mom says she is. I want to feel the power of the mother/child bond like they write about. But it’s just not meant to be for me. I don’t know why and I’ve pretty much stopped asking. It doesn’t much matter why because I can’t change it. Not worrying about why doesn’t stop me from hurting or longing or being angry about it, though. It just adds to the darkness of this tunnel I’m living in. I’m actively searching for the light because I know it has to be there...somewhere...right?
I feel like I’m actually going backwards in my healing process. Pregnant bellies make my eyes well up with tears like never before. It affects me so profoundly sometimes that I forget, just for a second or two, where I’m going or what I was in the middle of saying or thinking.
There are the normal, everyday reminders of IF that we all face...babies, children, families, pregnant bellies etc. And then there are the reminders that some us that have step-children face – the field trips we don’t get to go on because the “real” mom gets first choice and of course she wants to go, having to call the child your “step” child when in public...things like that. It really hurts sometimes. No, it hurts all the time.
I’ve figured out why I can’t stay motivated to eat less and work out more. I really want to lose some weight and some inches and just be more physically healthy. However, I can’t seem to stay on track for more than a week, if that. The answer hit me the other day. I’m angry at my body and even though I know we are supposed to be good to our bodies, I don’t want to be. I’m angry because my body has let me down. My body has not been good to ME (in the reproductive sense) so why should I be good to IT? I know it might sound strange, but that epiphany struck a chord with me. I’m a healthy adult. I have had blood work done and I’m very healthy. The only issue is my underactive thyroid, something I don’t have much control over without medication, which I take every day. I rarely drink, have never done drugs or smoked so over all I think I’ve been pretty good to my bodily health. I’m not over weight, at least I don’t think I am. I’m 5’2” and weigh about 132. I would like to lose about 10 pounds and a couple of inches to feel better about my image, though. I’ve lost my will power to say “no” to certain things. Back in late 2004, early 2005 I lost 35 pounds and I felt great. I’ve gained almost 25 of those pounds back, mostly over the last 2 years. Are we seeing a connection? I started fertility treatments in early 2009...hmmmm....seems to all add up doesn’t it?
I wish I knew how to get out of this funk. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I feel lost in the tunnel. I lean up against the kitchen counter and look down at my non-pregnant belly and it’s like a slap in the face. I think to myself, “I should be 25 weeks pregnant and I should not be able to lean up against this counter like this”. It’s torture to say the least. I think that’s why the pregnant bellies bother me so much now...because I should be there. It’s not a longing like it was before I saw those 2 lines. It’s more of a feeling of loss now. I lost my chance to have that big belly when my body failed me by giving me bad eggs. My body failed me by letting my baby go. Why should I do anything nice for my body?
I know there is no answer for what I’m going through except to give myself more time. I just wish I knew when it would get better. The smallest things bring me to tears anymore. Things like the new show Up All Night. The first (or maybe second) episode had the mom coming home from work after the baby was in bed. At the end of the show the mom is talking to her daughter and promised her that if she weren’t there at bed time that she’d always be there when she woke up. It was a simple thing, but it made me cry. I’ll never have that sort of “conversation” with my child. I can’t read sappy new mom blog posts without my eyes welling up. I’m posting comments through tears because I want to feel as grateful as the new mom says she is. I want to feel the power of the mother/child bond like they write about. But it’s just not meant to be for me. I don’t know why and I’ve pretty much stopped asking. It doesn’t much matter why because I can’t change it. Not worrying about why doesn’t stop me from hurting or longing or being angry about it, though. It just adds to the darkness of this tunnel I’m living in. I’m actively searching for the light because I know it has to be there...somewhere...right?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's Been a Long Time
Sorry for my absence. I have about 6 posts running around in my head but I just don’t have the desire to type them all out. I don’t have the desire for much lately. I’ve been reading blogs sporadically and commenting even less. I’m a sucky support system lately. I apologize for that.
I think the realization of what my situation is has finally started to hit home. For a while I was hopeful that I could find a way to come up with the money for donor eggs. That was definitely a fruitless endeavor. I don’t have a money tree and I’m not going to put my current family in dire straits by taking out a loan on my 401k that would result in a $550 a month payment. We don’t have enough equity in our house for a loan or a refinance option. I don’t have $30,000 worth of stuff to sell on eBay. I’m out of ideas. I’m out of hope.
I have some really great things to write about, like my nephew came and spent a few days with us and it was pure bliss...exhausting, but wonderful. I’ll write about the visit another time. It would also make more sense to all of you if I explained his situation so that is a post for another day.
Right now, I’m about to start my period and I’m really pissed and angry and bitter about it. I should be scheduled for my 20 week scan this week. Instead, I’m starting another cycle. This will be the case until I hit menopause. I will just keep having periods until the rest of my body decides to catch up with my ovaries and stops working altogether. I really fucking hate this.
There have been a couple of BFP’s in blogs that I read. I’m happy for these women as they have struggled for years to get this far. I’m also hoping that their betas continue to rise as they should. While I’m happy for them, I’m sad for me. I know most of you can understand that, at least I hope you can. I felt their happiness once before, albeit for a short time, but I had it...and then I didn’t. I miss that happiness. I miss that hope. I hope that they continue to progress and in 8.5 months hold their baby(ies) in their arms. I just want it to be me. Oh, and another blogger just posted her adoption story and it brought me to tears. I know how much she struggled and suffered to bring that beautiful baby boy home and I couldn’t be happier for her. Again, I just wish I could feel that much happiness.
I wanted to make a round of phone calls this week and let everyone know that we were team pink or team blue. However, these cramps and this spotting have reminded me once again, that those types of phone calls will never be made from my phone.
I’ve been feeling very down lately and I didn’t want to come here and be negative which is why I’ve stayed away for so long. Sometimes I just need to release all the negative emotions and this is pretty much the only place I have to do that. Although, I’m finding it difficult to put anything coherent together and to convey my feelings properly without sounding like a mental case.
I can’t believe that I really won’t ever be pregnant...that I won’t ever have a child and that I won’t ever be a mother. I know I have the Little Guy, but he already has his mother so I just get to step in every once in a while and “play” mommy. It sucks. And it sucked sending my nephew back to my sister. I just want a child that I love as my own to call me mom. I’m always left empty handed and it just doesn’t feel right. I have so much love to give and so many maternal feelings that I never really thought I wouldn’t be a mom. I guess God just had other plans for me. He obviously wants me to be happy with the smidgeon of parenting that I get to do while the “real” moms get all the devotion and love. Whatever. It’s no use crying about it, right? Crying never changed anything anyway.
It is what it is and I guess it’s finally sinking in. I’m not going to be a mom...ever. There it is, the final statement. Maybe this is rock bottom? I hope so because I don’t know how I could feel any worse. I’m hoping that I can find a way to rebuild and refocus my life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there, but it’s still too far away for me to see it.
I apologize for the dark and dreary post but I have to let some of this out before I explode. I promise to be a better reader and commenter as you all have shown me nothing but understanding and support and you deserve the same in return.
I think the realization of what my situation is has finally started to hit home. For a while I was hopeful that I could find a way to come up with the money for donor eggs. That was definitely a fruitless endeavor. I don’t have a money tree and I’m not going to put my current family in dire straits by taking out a loan on my 401k that would result in a $550 a month payment. We don’t have enough equity in our house for a loan or a refinance option. I don’t have $30,000 worth of stuff to sell on eBay. I’m out of ideas. I’m out of hope.
I have some really great things to write about, like my nephew came and spent a few days with us and it was pure bliss...exhausting, but wonderful. I’ll write about the visit another time. It would also make more sense to all of you if I explained his situation so that is a post for another day.
Right now, I’m about to start my period and I’m really pissed and angry and bitter about it. I should be scheduled for my 20 week scan this week. Instead, I’m starting another cycle. This will be the case until I hit menopause. I will just keep having periods until the rest of my body decides to catch up with my ovaries and stops working altogether. I really fucking hate this.
There have been a couple of BFP’s in blogs that I read. I’m happy for these women as they have struggled for years to get this far. I’m also hoping that their betas continue to rise as they should. While I’m happy for them, I’m sad for me. I know most of you can understand that, at least I hope you can. I felt their happiness once before, albeit for a short time, but I had it...and then I didn’t. I miss that happiness. I miss that hope. I hope that they continue to progress and in 8.5 months hold their baby(ies) in their arms. I just want it to be me. Oh, and another blogger just posted her adoption story and it brought me to tears. I know how much she struggled and suffered to bring that beautiful baby boy home and I couldn’t be happier for her. Again, I just wish I could feel that much happiness.
I wanted to make a round of phone calls this week and let everyone know that we were team pink or team blue. However, these cramps and this spotting have reminded me once again, that those types of phone calls will never be made from my phone.
I’ve been feeling very down lately and I didn’t want to come here and be negative which is why I’ve stayed away for so long. Sometimes I just need to release all the negative emotions and this is pretty much the only place I have to do that. Although, I’m finding it difficult to put anything coherent together and to convey my feelings properly without sounding like a mental case.
I can’t believe that I really won’t ever be pregnant...that I won’t ever have a child and that I won’t ever be a mother. I know I have the Little Guy, but he already has his mother so I just get to step in every once in a while and “play” mommy. It sucks. And it sucked sending my nephew back to my sister. I just want a child that I love as my own to call me mom. I’m always left empty handed and it just doesn’t feel right. I have so much love to give and so many maternal feelings that I never really thought I wouldn’t be a mom. I guess God just had other plans for me. He obviously wants me to be happy with the smidgeon of parenting that I get to do while the “real” moms get all the devotion and love. Whatever. It’s no use crying about it, right? Crying never changed anything anyway.
It is what it is and I guess it’s finally sinking in. I’m not going to be a mom...ever. There it is, the final statement. Maybe this is rock bottom? I hope so because I don’t know how I could feel any worse. I’m hoping that I can find a way to rebuild and refocus my life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there, but it’s still too far away for me to see it.
I apologize for the dark and dreary post but I have to let some of this out before I explode. I promise to be a better reader and commenter as you all have shown me nothing but understanding and support and you deserve the same in return.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Letting Go and/or Moving On
I just read something on FB and it brought tears to my eyes:
Laugh when you can,
Apologize when you should,
And let go of what you can’t change.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up,
It means you’re moving on.
I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to move on. I don’t know how to do those things. I guess in time I will figure it out. I don’t really have a choice. Like the little saying says, I can’t change it.
The same person posted this saying:
I can choose to let regrets define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me – or I can choose to move on and leave them behind me.
I have many regrets that I have let go of and some that I haven’t. Even with my spiritual crisis lately I can’t honestly say that I regret doing our IVF. That is hard for me to admit because I question whether or not God actually sent me down that path or my own free will did. I don’t regret it because it gave me several days of real motherhood. Like I said in a previous post I believe, for me anyway, that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. My heart was so full of love and happiness that I could barely contain it. I have never known love like that. I feel extremely grateful for the opportunity to have loved so much in such a short amount of time.
I must really like to torture myself, too. I went back and read the posts from my very first BFP to the end...I also read all the comments. That girl was so happy and confused and hopeful and scared. Most of all, she was pregnant and then she wasn’t. It was almost like I was reading someone else’s blog. It feels like a lifetime ago. All the comments were so sweet and genuine and reassuring and supportive. I would not have been able to get through things as well as I did (have I?) if not for you guys. When I asked for level headed that is what I got. When the shit hit the fan I got tons of love and hugs. There is no place like my little place in the blogosphere.
I know this is quite a rambling post and I didn’t have any intention on posting today but after reading that saying on FB I needed to come here and let out a little emotion. It hit a cord with me to say the least. I’ve been racking my brain on ways to get money for egg donor and at the same time wondering why I’m even thinking about it. It’s very simple really; I don’t know how to let go or move on...yet.
Lately I have not been praying for a miracle baby. I have been asking for strength to let go of my yearning. I have been asking for help with acceptance. I guess I need to pray harder because it’s not working. Or maybe God knows that I don’t really mean it. Since He knows what’s in my heart then He must know that I still desperately want to carry a child. I’m trying to get over this, I really am. Most days I’m ok and then other days...well, I’m a mess. I guess it’s a process that I have to go through until I get to acceptance, right? I wonder how much longer I have to wait.
Laugh when you can,
Apologize when you should,
And let go of what you can’t change.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up,
It means you’re moving on.
I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to move on. I don’t know how to do those things. I guess in time I will figure it out. I don’t really have a choice. Like the little saying says, I can’t change it.
The same person posted this saying:
I can choose to let regrets define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me – or I can choose to move on and leave them behind me.
I have many regrets that I have let go of and some that I haven’t. Even with my spiritual crisis lately I can’t honestly say that I regret doing our IVF. That is hard for me to admit because I question whether or not God actually sent me down that path or my own free will did. I don’t regret it because it gave me several days of real motherhood. Like I said in a previous post I believe, for me anyway, that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. My heart was so full of love and happiness that I could barely contain it. I have never known love like that. I feel extremely grateful for the opportunity to have loved so much in such a short amount of time.
I must really like to torture myself, too. I went back and read the posts from my very first BFP to the end...I also read all the comments. That girl was so happy and confused and hopeful and scared. Most of all, she was pregnant and then she wasn’t. It was almost like I was reading someone else’s blog. It feels like a lifetime ago. All the comments were so sweet and genuine and reassuring and supportive. I would not have been able to get through things as well as I did (have I?) if not for you guys. When I asked for level headed that is what I got. When the shit hit the fan I got tons of love and hugs. There is no place like my little place in the blogosphere.
I know this is quite a rambling post and I didn’t have any intention on posting today but after reading that saying on FB I needed to come here and let out a little emotion. It hit a cord with me to say the least. I’ve been racking my brain on ways to get money for egg donor and at the same time wondering why I’m even thinking about it. It’s very simple really; I don’t know how to let go or move on...yet.
Lately I have not been praying for a miracle baby. I have been asking for strength to let go of my yearning. I have been asking for help with acceptance. I guess I need to pray harder because it’s not working. Or maybe God knows that I don’t really mean it. Since He knows what’s in my heart then He must know that I still desperately want to carry a child. I’m trying to get over this, I really am. Most days I’m ok and then other days...well, I’m a mess. I guess it’s a process that I have to go through until I get to acceptance, right? I wonder how much longer I have to wait.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Fate/Destiny/Master Plan?
I’m going to get a little religious/spiritual in this post. It might be offensive to some and it might make others laugh at me. I do not mean to offend anyone and the thoughts posted here are just that, my thoughts/opinions/feelings. I’ve wanted to write this post for a very long time but haven’t quite been able to put it all together. I still don’t know if it will come across as well thought out or not but I need to get it out of my head.
I’m a Christian. I believe in God and in Jesus as my Savior. I pray for others, myself and for forgiveness. I don’t go to church anymore and I don’t like that about myself but obviously not enough to change it. I try to lead a “good” life. I have pretty high standards for myself. I try to treat others in a way that I want to be treated. Pretty standard stuff.
In my journey of TTC there have been so many prayers to God. I’m sure you can relate to what those prayers entailed. I’ve tried bargaining, begging, desperation...none of it has worked. I never thought I’d try IVF. I didn’t think it was *natural* to create life like that. When the time came and we had the money I really felt that I was ready, both spiritually and mentally. I really thought it would work. I thought that God would see how much it really meant to me/us and He’d let it happen. I thought that He’d see that I was willing to give myself shots and put myself through the emotional wringer and He’d reward me/us. We were in the process of selling our house and trying to find a new place. The market was not good and we feared that we’d be stuck. We got an offer pretty quickly and then we found out that we could get a really great interest rate to allow us to build a brand new house in a great neighborhood in the town we really wanted to live in. Not only that, but our realtor had a house that we could rent for just a few months while we waited for our house to be built. Things were really falling into place. It must be God’s plan, right? To finally get a baby, and a new house and a new life with my new husband and step-son...it must be my master plan/destiny, right? Wrong.
Let me add that over the years with my previous husband, each and every time I wasn’t pregnant when something significant happened in our lives I always used the line, “well I guess that’s why God hasn’t let me get pregnant yet.” It always made sense. And then I would tell myself that I didn’t get pregnant because God knew that we would divorce. However, if we’d had a child I don’t know that our marriage would have dissolved. It’s one of the biggest questions I have. He now has 3 children so it must have been his plan, right? To learn from our marriage and then to move on and have kids with someone that is fertile must have been his destiny, right? I don’t know.
Do we have a destiny? Is there a master plan? I always thought so. I am guilty of using the phrases, “what is meant to be will be” and “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t know what to believe now. God might have a plan for all of us but we, as humans, have plans of our own. We were given free will, the ability to make choices. We make wrong choices throughout our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we pray and ask for guidance, we make a wrong choice. Did God know we would make a wrong choice? Was that wrong choice in our plan all along? If so, then it really wasn’t wrong was it? God told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit. And pardon my ignorance...did He know she would anyway? She made the choice to go against God’s wishes and because of that, all of humanity was punished...sin was introduced into the perfect world.
Back to me...I’ve often wondered what my plan in life is/was. I wonder if I have made too many choices that have completely altered the way things were supposed to be. I made the choice of staying with my mom when I was 16 and my dad made the choice of letting me. Things would have been very different if I had not made the request or if he had said no. It’s things like that that have led me here today.
I started thinking about those sorts of things after our loss from our IVF in April. I chose to do IVF. I want a baby so badly that I chose to try again. Aren’t we supposed to learn from past mistakes as to not repeat them in the future? Since the first one failed I wonder why I though God would let the second one work. I had to try, though. I felt it was the right thing to do. And when I think back to how calm and serene I was through most of the process, I wonder why I was so calm. I think it was because I knew it would work. Somewhere deep inside, I had come to terms with the fact that it would work. I was ready for whatever emotions came my way. I had learned how to deal with it from our past attempt. I felt confident that it would turn out differently than last time. I was right, to a degree.
God allowed me to get pregnant. And then He allowed me lose that baby very early. I think it was a form of punishment. Before anyone tells me that God doesn’t punish people like that, hear me out. I used to think that way, too, until my loss. When women are born they are born with as many eggs as they will ever have. I was born with fewer than average eggs. I was also born with bad eggs. I have been TTC since I was 24 years old. My eggs were just as bad then as they are now. So obviously, God’s plan/my destiny/my fate has always been for me not to get pregnant. God created me and he created my eggs. He never intended for me to get pregnant. And what do I do? I keep going to doctors to try and rectify the situation instead of just learning from my past. If we had not tried again I would not have this heavy hurt of a lost baby in my heart. I would not sit here in sadness every day thinking about how far along I should be and what milestone I should be reaching each week.
When I think about how desperately I wish we had money for donor eggs I have to stop myself. What makes me think that donor eggs are “in my plan”? Why would God want me to go ahead and seek more medical intervention? He has already proven to me that He never intended for me to have a child. Why would I choose to try something like that? Honestly, if we had the money, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m driven by something else that I can’t put into words (maybe it’s greed or selfishness?). If I did donor eggs and God decided that he was angry enough at me for going through with more treatments, what would my next punishment be? I shudder at the thought of His power. I am, after all, a God fearing woman.
It’s all so confusing. And don’t get me wrong...I do not think that donor eggs are against God’s wishes. In my opinion, God creates all life and it’s up to Him if that life turns into a baby. And if a woman uses donor eggs and has a baby...I’m very happy for (and a bit jealous of) them. I’m just in spiritual turmoil right now. I’m questioning all my decisions with regards to reproduction lately. I’m also still trying to figure out if there is any way possible to pay for the donor egg program. I’m a walking contradiction. It’s not easy living in my head these days.
I’m a Christian. I believe in God and in Jesus as my Savior. I pray for others, myself and for forgiveness. I don’t go to church anymore and I don’t like that about myself but obviously not enough to change it. I try to lead a “good” life. I have pretty high standards for myself. I try to treat others in a way that I want to be treated. Pretty standard stuff.
In my journey of TTC there have been so many prayers to God. I’m sure you can relate to what those prayers entailed. I’ve tried bargaining, begging, desperation...none of it has worked. I never thought I’d try IVF. I didn’t think it was *natural* to create life like that. When the time came and we had the money I really felt that I was ready, both spiritually and mentally. I really thought it would work. I thought that God would see how much it really meant to me/us and He’d let it happen. I thought that He’d see that I was willing to give myself shots and put myself through the emotional wringer and He’d reward me/us. We were in the process of selling our house and trying to find a new place. The market was not good and we feared that we’d be stuck. We got an offer pretty quickly and then we found out that we could get a really great interest rate to allow us to build a brand new house in a great neighborhood in the town we really wanted to live in. Not only that, but our realtor had a house that we could rent for just a few months while we waited for our house to be built. Things were really falling into place. It must be God’s plan, right? To finally get a baby, and a new house and a new life with my new husband and step-son...it must be my master plan/destiny, right? Wrong.
Let me add that over the years with my previous husband, each and every time I wasn’t pregnant when something significant happened in our lives I always used the line, “well I guess that’s why God hasn’t let me get pregnant yet.” It always made sense. And then I would tell myself that I didn’t get pregnant because God knew that we would divorce. However, if we’d had a child I don’t know that our marriage would have dissolved. It’s one of the biggest questions I have. He now has 3 children so it must have been his plan, right? To learn from our marriage and then to move on and have kids with someone that is fertile must have been his destiny, right? I don’t know.
Do we have a destiny? Is there a master plan? I always thought so. I am guilty of using the phrases, “what is meant to be will be” and “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t know what to believe now. God might have a plan for all of us but we, as humans, have plans of our own. We were given free will, the ability to make choices. We make wrong choices throughout our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we pray and ask for guidance, we make a wrong choice. Did God know we would make a wrong choice? Was that wrong choice in our plan all along? If so, then it really wasn’t wrong was it? God told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit. And pardon my ignorance...did He know she would anyway? She made the choice to go against God’s wishes and because of that, all of humanity was punished...sin was introduced into the perfect world.
Back to me...I’ve often wondered what my plan in life is/was. I wonder if I have made too many choices that have completely altered the way things were supposed to be. I made the choice of staying with my mom when I was 16 and my dad made the choice of letting me. Things would have been very different if I had not made the request or if he had said no. It’s things like that that have led me here today.
I started thinking about those sorts of things after our loss from our IVF in April. I chose to do IVF. I want a baby so badly that I chose to try again. Aren’t we supposed to learn from past mistakes as to not repeat them in the future? Since the first one failed I wonder why I though God would let the second one work. I had to try, though. I felt it was the right thing to do. And when I think back to how calm and serene I was through most of the process, I wonder why I was so calm. I think it was because I knew it would work. Somewhere deep inside, I had come to terms with the fact that it would work. I was ready for whatever emotions came my way. I had learned how to deal with it from our past attempt. I felt confident that it would turn out differently than last time. I was right, to a degree.
God allowed me to get pregnant. And then He allowed me lose that baby very early. I think it was a form of punishment. Before anyone tells me that God doesn’t punish people like that, hear me out. I used to think that way, too, until my loss. When women are born they are born with as many eggs as they will ever have. I was born with fewer than average eggs. I was also born with bad eggs. I have been TTC since I was 24 years old. My eggs were just as bad then as they are now. So obviously, God’s plan/my destiny/my fate has always been for me not to get pregnant. God created me and he created my eggs. He never intended for me to get pregnant. And what do I do? I keep going to doctors to try and rectify the situation instead of just learning from my past. If we had not tried again I would not have this heavy hurt of a lost baby in my heart. I would not sit here in sadness every day thinking about how far along I should be and what milestone I should be reaching each week.
When I think about how desperately I wish we had money for donor eggs I have to stop myself. What makes me think that donor eggs are “in my plan”? Why would God want me to go ahead and seek more medical intervention? He has already proven to me that He never intended for me to have a child. Why would I choose to try something like that? Honestly, if we had the money, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m driven by something else that I can’t put into words (maybe it’s greed or selfishness?). If I did donor eggs and God decided that he was angry enough at me for going through with more treatments, what would my next punishment be? I shudder at the thought of His power. I am, after all, a God fearing woman.
It’s all so confusing. And don’t get me wrong...I do not think that donor eggs are against God’s wishes. In my opinion, God creates all life and it’s up to Him if that life turns into a baby. And if a woman uses donor eggs and has a baby...I’m very happy for (and a bit jealous of) them. I’m just in spiritual turmoil right now. I’m questioning all my decisions with regards to reproduction lately. I’m also still trying to figure out if there is any way possible to pay for the donor egg program. I’m a walking contradiction. It’s not easy living in my head these days.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Why?
There are many times during the TTC process that we Infertiles ask the question “why?”
Why is it taking so long?
Why do I have endo?
Why do I have PCOS?
Why are my tubes blocked?
Why does my husband not have any sperm?
Why do I not ovulate?
Why do I keep losing babies?
Why? Why? Why?
The list just goes on and on for most of us. The “why?” that I’m asking today is this: Why do I still think there is a chance I could get pregnant?
I saw ewcm yesterday and put a plan into action to seduce my husband. Surprisingly I succeeded in doing just that. I’m only on CD9 today. The sighting of the ewcm means that ovulation will be today or tomorrow. I’m not peeing on any sticks or strips to know for sure. Being this early in my cycle I know that if there is an egg in the follicle that it’s most likely not mature. On the off chance that it is mature I’m sure it’s not normal. My track record speaks for itself. So again I have to ask myself, why?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I had a dream last night that I was at a neighbor’s party. It was the neighbor that is 41 and has stated that she never wants kids. It’s my opinion that she tried and failed but I have yet to ask her about it. I could be wrong but that is the feeling I get from her. Anyway...back to my dream. She was sharing her eggs with me. No, not her ovarian eggs, actual eggs that you would crack open and cook. Someone told me that the eggs wouldn’t be any good, that they’d be messed up. I assured them that the eggs would be fine. It was a half carton of eggs which is how I usually buy them. As I opened the carton, I inspected each and every one of the eggs. And wouldn’t you know that every single egg was cracked and oozing? I was so very disappointed.
Isn’t it amazing how our minds can work our life into some bizarre dream? I know my eggs are all crap, pretty much just like the ones in my dream. However, the ones in my dream weren’t mine. They were given to me and they were still bad. They were meant to replace my own but I couldn’t use them either. That’s pretty much how I feel. That even if I could afford donor eggs, I still would not end up with a baby. But again, why? Why am I even thinking about donor eggs?
Why am I holding on to this hope? It’s torture on most days. I hate this feeling of being defeated and at the end of my rope. Sometimes the good guy doesn’t win. All too often the villain gets the prize while the deserving champion sits on the sidelines knowing there is nothing that can change the outcome. Why? Why does it have to be this way?
I wish I knew. One of these days I’ll stop asking “why”. I’m sure it won’t be because I have an answer...I’ll just eventually grow tired of asking. Or maybe I’ll learn to just accept things for what they are and I won’t care “why”. I wish I were in that place now.
Why is it taking so long?
Why do I have endo?
Why do I have PCOS?
Why are my tubes blocked?
Why does my husband not have any sperm?
Why do I not ovulate?
Why do I keep losing babies?
Why? Why? Why?
The list just goes on and on for most of us. The “why?” that I’m asking today is this: Why do I still think there is a chance I could get pregnant?
I saw ewcm yesterday and put a plan into action to seduce my husband. Surprisingly I succeeded in doing just that. I’m only on CD9 today. The sighting of the ewcm means that ovulation will be today or tomorrow. I’m not peeing on any sticks or strips to know for sure. Being this early in my cycle I know that if there is an egg in the follicle that it’s most likely not mature. On the off chance that it is mature I’m sure it’s not normal. My track record speaks for itself. So again I have to ask myself, why?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I had a dream last night that I was at a neighbor’s party. It was the neighbor that is 41 and has stated that she never wants kids. It’s my opinion that she tried and failed but I have yet to ask her about it. I could be wrong but that is the feeling I get from her. Anyway...back to my dream. She was sharing her eggs with me. No, not her ovarian eggs, actual eggs that you would crack open and cook. Someone told me that the eggs wouldn’t be any good, that they’d be messed up. I assured them that the eggs would be fine. It was a half carton of eggs which is how I usually buy them. As I opened the carton, I inspected each and every one of the eggs. And wouldn’t you know that every single egg was cracked and oozing? I was so very disappointed.
Isn’t it amazing how our minds can work our life into some bizarre dream? I know my eggs are all crap, pretty much just like the ones in my dream. However, the ones in my dream weren’t mine. They were given to me and they were still bad. They were meant to replace my own but I couldn’t use them either. That’s pretty much how I feel. That even if I could afford donor eggs, I still would not end up with a baby. But again, why? Why am I even thinking about donor eggs?
Why am I holding on to this hope? It’s torture on most days. I hate this feeling of being defeated and at the end of my rope. Sometimes the good guy doesn’t win. All too often the villain gets the prize while the deserving champion sits on the sidelines knowing there is nothing that can change the outcome. Why? Why does it have to be this way?
I wish I knew. One of these days I’ll stop asking “why”. I’m sure it won’t be because I have an answer...I’ll just eventually grow tired of asking. Or maybe I’ll learn to just accept things for what they are and I won’t care “why”. I wish I were in that place now.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Lost
Isn’t it ironic how positive we can sometimes be when leaving comments on other people’s blogs and then turn right around and fill our own pages with buckets of sadness, negativity and depression? Well, that’s what I’m about to do. I left a comment earlier today on a blog stating that I try not to be a “downer” on my own blog too much...blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.
I feel so totally lost right now. I’m not lost in Limboland because that would mean that I’m in between certain situations or events. There’s no limbo involved in deciding (being forced) to stop TTC. It’s pretty final. And it pretty much sucks ass.
I don’t know how to be the woman that is not TTC. I’ll admit that there have been periods of time that I didn’t chart or temp or use opk’s, but I always paid attention to my CM and counted the days to when I thought ovulation would happen and I tried to plan our sex life around those times. I didn’t look at my fertility calendar until earlier this week to figure out when my period would be starting. I never felt myself ovulate so I have no idea where things are in my cycle right now. All of that feels foreign to me...not knowing when I ovulate? Yeah, right. I can usually give you the time of day.
I have done a little bit of research into government trials regarding IVF. I don’t even qualify for any of the local programs because I’ve had 2 failed IVF’s (the one that was cancelled and the BFN in 2009) and I didn’t/don’t produce a minimum of 8 eggs. Many of the other programs/trials are taking place in countries with names that I can’t even pronounce. Dead end again.
I checked the balance of my 401k yesterday as I have not looked at it in quite a while. I told BJ how much was in it and he said, “cool....take out $X and we can get our pool...or empty it and we can get our pool and a baby.” I looked him dead in the face and said, “Don’t think I haven’t already thought of that.” Then he talked reason into me and said that I’d have no retirement if we did that and that 11 years of saving would be gone. I know he’s right and that our future financial situation is very important to us and I don’t think I’d ever really empty my account....but I’ve thought about it.
I’ve thought about anything and everything I can to get my hands on the money for a donor egg program and I keep coming up empty handed. There’s nothing left to do. There is no stone left to turn over. This is the end of the line.
Each day I get up and I go through the motions. I laugh and I smile but it’s not as genuine as it should be. When BJ and I hug or snuggle all I can think about is how badly I want a baby for us. I don’t dare say it out loud for fear that hearing myself say it will trigger a sob-fest.
Only recently have I begun to enjoy food again. I eat because I have to and because it’s in front of me. I’d say in the last week I’ve really started enjoying certain things again...like really savoring the taste. Mostly though, it’s just food and I just keep putting it in my mouth. I’m sleeping fine and I don’t feel tired during the day, which is always good. However, I still just feel like I’m wandering...with no purpose and no destination. I know I have a future but now I know what will not be in it. I don’t like knowing that we are done. I don’t like knowing that there won’t be a baby. I liked it better when I thought that maybe a miracle could happen on its own since there was no real diagnosis. Now that I have a diagnosis all that miracle stuff has just flown out the window.
I put my best foot forward and I keep on going but I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just lost and wandering right now. I’ve always had a plan for if and when but now that I know that if and when turned into never, I don’t know where to go.
I feel so totally lost right now. I’m not lost in Limboland because that would mean that I’m in between certain situations or events. There’s no limbo involved in deciding (being forced) to stop TTC. It’s pretty final. And it pretty much sucks ass.
I don’t know how to be the woman that is not TTC. I’ll admit that there have been periods of time that I didn’t chart or temp or use opk’s, but I always paid attention to my CM and counted the days to when I thought ovulation would happen and I tried to plan our sex life around those times. I didn’t look at my fertility calendar until earlier this week to figure out when my period would be starting. I never felt myself ovulate so I have no idea where things are in my cycle right now. All of that feels foreign to me...not knowing when I ovulate? Yeah, right. I can usually give you the time of day.
I have done a little bit of research into government trials regarding IVF. I don’t even qualify for any of the local programs because I’ve had 2 failed IVF’s (the one that was cancelled and the BFN in 2009) and I didn’t/don’t produce a minimum of 8 eggs. Many of the other programs/trials are taking place in countries with names that I can’t even pronounce. Dead end again.
I checked the balance of my 401k yesterday as I have not looked at it in quite a while. I told BJ how much was in it and he said, “cool....take out $X and we can get our pool...or empty it and we can get our pool and a baby.” I looked him dead in the face and said, “Don’t think I haven’t already thought of that.” Then he talked reason into me and said that I’d have no retirement if we did that and that 11 years of saving would be gone. I know he’s right and that our future financial situation is very important to us and I don’t think I’d ever really empty my account....but I’ve thought about it.
I’ve thought about anything and everything I can to get my hands on the money for a donor egg program and I keep coming up empty handed. There’s nothing left to do. There is no stone left to turn over. This is the end of the line.
Each day I get up and I go through the motions. I laugh and I smile but it’s not as genuine as it should be. When BJ and I hug or snuggle all I can think about is how badly I want a baby for us. I don’t dare say it out loud for fear that hearing myself say it will trigger a sob-fest.
Only recently have I begun to enjoy food again. I eat because I have to and because it’s in front of me. I’d say in the last week I’ve really started enjoying certain things again...like really savoring the taste. Mostly though, it’s just food and I just keep putting it in my mouth. I’m sleeping fine and I don’t feel tired during the day, which is always good. However, I still just feel like I’m wandering...with no purpose and no destination. I know I have a future but now I know what will not be in it. I don’t like knowing that we are done. I don’t like knowing that there won’t be a baby. I liked it better when I thought that maybe a miracle could happen on its own since there was no real diagnosis. Now that I have a diagnosis all that miracle stuff has just flown out the window.
I put my best foot forward and I keep on going but I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just lost and wandering right now. I’ve always had a plan for if and when but now that I know that if and when turned into never, I don’t know where to go.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Ramblings
We are now less than a week away from our appointment. BJ said to me last night that it can't get here quickly enough. There are several things up in the air right now that are hinging on whether or not we move forward with the shared risk program. The trip is one of those things. As is a pool. A pool is something we both have wanted for a very long time. We picked our lot based on the backyard. BJ has given up his dream of an in ground paradise pool since he learned how expensive it was going to be. He has thrown himself into finding a nice enough (by his terms) above ground pool that will "do". We know that we will enjoy a pool for years to come. The trip will leave us with great memories (hopefully) but it will be over in a week. We have not gotten our taxes done yet, either. Not because we are lazy but because we are still waiting for his W2's. His company is always late with them and it drives me crazy. Once we get our taxes done we will know better where we stand with our plans. Unfortunately, it looks like the trip will have to be scratched from our plans. We can't have EVERYTHING, right?
In the mean time we are dealing with the Little Guy getting another cold. He came home early on Wednesday and I stayed home with him yesterday. He slept very late and then just chilled for the day. He's on the mend and I hope his mother puts him to bed at a decent hour tonight so that he can continue to get well. She has a habit of letting him stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 in the morning when he doesn't have school. Makes me (and BJ) crazy. Not to mention the affect on the LG. But that is a post for another day. He has a basketball game tomorrow afternoon and he's playing against his cousin. How he feels and how well he is will determine if we have them all over for dinner tomorrow night. I hope they come over, I'm going to make lasagna for everyone.
The pregnant neighbor is having a baby shower. This is her 3rd child but I guess since the youngest is 6 they figured this was ok. I actually bought something for her and I might even go. I don't want to but I don't have a real reason not to. I was joking with the LG when the invitation was delivered and I told him that I think I'm busy that day and that I don't normally go to baby showers. He said, "I bet I know why you don't want to go." And I asked him to enlighten me. And he said, "because you want one." And I said to him "you're right, that could be why I don't want to go". He's a smart cookie. This was not an "oops" baby, but still. I have not been to a baby shower in years and I'm not looking forward to it.
We are having the neighbors over (yes the pregnant one) on Sunday for the Big Game. The other neighbors (the childless ones that I think can't have kids) have other plans. Rick and Leslie (the trip neighbors) said they will probably stop by. A small crowd is nice. And it's less food I have to make. I know I will be staring at her belly the whole time, hoping she doesn't see me. She's 34 weeks so there is no hiding it. It's like a car wreck...you don't mean to stare but you can't help it.
In the mean time we are dealing with the Little Guy getting another cold. He came home early on Wednesday and I stayed home with him yesterday. He slept very late and then just chilled for the day. He's on the mend and I hope his mother puts him to bed at a decent hour tonight so that he can continue to get well. She has a habit of letting him stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 in the morning when he doesn't have school. Makes me (and BJ) crazy. Not to mention the affect on the LG. But that is a post for another day. He has a basketball game tomorrow afternoon and he's playing against his cousin. How he feels and how well he is will determine if we have them all over for dinner tomorrow night. I hope they come over, I'm going to make lasagna for everyone.
The pregnant neighbor is having a baby shower. This is her 3rd child but I guess since the youngest is 6 they figured this was ok. I actually bought something for her and I might even go. I don't want to but I don't have a real reason not to. I was joking with the LG when the invitation was delivered and I told him that I think I'm busy that day and that I don't normally go to baby showers. He said, "I bet I know why you don't want to go." And I asked him to enlighten me. And he said, "because you want one." And I said to him "you're right, that could be why I don't want to go". He's a smart cookie. This was not an "oops" baby, but still. I have not been to a baby shower in years and I'm not looking forward to it.
We are having the neighbors over (yes the pregnant one) on Sunday for the Big Game. The other neighbors (the childless ones that I think can't have kids) have other plans. Rick and Leslie (the trip neighbors) said they will probably stop by. A small crowd is nice. And it's less food I have to make. I know I will be staring at her belly the whole time, hoping she doesn't see me. She's 34 weeks so there is no hiding it. It's like a car wreck...you don't mean to stare but you can't help it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Quickie Post
Not a post about quickies...minds out of the gutter, please. :-) Although, I could write a post about quickies seeing as how a lot of the time that's how I get my lovin'...the fertile window doesn't really allow for much spontaneity. This post will just be quick, I promise.
BJ got his results back from his endoscopy. No cancer! Not even any bacteria! Jumping for joy shall commence. He just needs to get his acid reflux/GERD under control better. He opted out of the colonoscopy, which I knew he would. For now I'm ok with that. He actually went to the doctor about his back, too. He needs to have an MRI which will hopefully happen within the next couple of weeks. Our insurance has to approve it. He's been having issues for years but it's getting really bad now so he wants to get help if he can.
I began having some very fertile CM yesterday and we actually had sex last night! And guess what's happening today? My ovary is hurting like hell so I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating. Hell yeah! I'm not temping or OPK'ing this cycle so I'm just going on physical signs. How amazing would it be to be successful right before my appointment next week?
The trip I spoke of 2 posts ago is still very much up in the air. We talked with the neighbors last night and pulled some prices. We just aren't sure if it's a wise thing to do right now. We want to go in the worst way and even found a place that we want to stay. We decided that if we do this, we will go to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. That means we have to get passports and that's another cost to add in. Will keep you posted.
Thank you for your positive comments on my last post. It's nice to know that you guys understand and that I'm not on an island here. I have many conflicting feelings about my family dynamic and there's plenty more where that post came from. It's just hard sitting down and putting it into words sometimes. Stay tuned for more. :-)
We are having some of the neighbors over on Sunday for the Big Game. I'm making chili dogs and some other snacks. I'm looking forward to it, actually. Last year we were snowed in during the Big Game and didn't have to worry about work or school the next day. This year we will have to get the kids to bed on time and ourselves in bed at a decent hour...not as much fun but we will make the best of it. I still say the game should be played on Saturday evening instead of Sunday. Go Packers!
BJ got his results back from his endoscopy. No cancer! Not even any bacteria! Jumping for joy shall commence. He just needs to get his acid reflux/GERD under control better. He opted out of the colonoscopy, which I knew he would. For now I'm ok with that. He actually went to the doctor about his back, too. He needs to have an MRI which will hopefully happen within the next couple of weeks. Our insurance has to approve it. He's been having issues for years but it's getting really bad now so he wants to get help if he can.
I began having some very fertile CM yesterday and we actually had sex last night! And guess what's happening today? My ovary is hurting like hell so I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating. Hell yeah! I'm not temping or OPK'ing this cycle so I'm just going on physical signs. How amazing would it be to be successful right before my appointment next week?
The trip I spoke of 2 posts ago is still very much up in the air. We talked with the neighbors last night and pulled some prices. We just aren't sure if it's a wise thing to do right now. We want to go in the worst way and even found a place that we want to stay. We decided that if we do this, we will go to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. That means we have to get passports and that's another cost to add in. Will keep you posted.
Thank you for your positive comments on my last post. It's nice to know that you guys understand and that I'm not on an island here. I have many conflicting feelings about my family dynamic and there's plenty more where that post came from. It's just hard sitting down and putting it into words sometimes. Stay tuned for more. :-)
We are having some of the neighbors over on Sunday for the Big Game. I'm making chili dogs and some other snacks. I'm looking forward to it, actually. Last year we were snowed in during the Big Game and didn't have to worry about work or school the next day. This year we will have to get the kids to bed on time and ourselves in bed at a decent hour...not as much fun but we will make the best of it. I still say the game should be played on Saturday evening instead of Sunday. Go Packers!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Rolling Right Along
In keeping with my new outlook and my new (continued) desperation on expanding our family, I thought I'd tell you all what I did yesterday.
I called my clinic. I asked about their Shared Risk IVF program, their Shared Risk Donor Egg program and their normal Donor Egg Program. I even went as far as leaving a message for my RE's nurse. The nurse I had been assigned to is no longer there. Here's what I found out.
The shared risk IVF is around $20,000. This includes 6 fresh IVF cycles and any subsequent FETs. If I do not take a baby home I get my money back. We have already given them about $13,000 and that was for 2 IUI's and an IVF. If I were not so sure that the treatments would have worked I would have scraped together another $7,000. Hind sight and blind hope gets me nothing but a much smaller wallet.
The shared risk donor egg program varies in price. They have this new program that lets people share their donor with as many as 2 other recipients. I've never heard of that but thought it was a good idea. The price scale for this is as follows:
1:1 (one donor, one recipient) $52,500
1:2 $37,000
1:3 $29,000
If there is no "take home" baby, they refund the money. This also includes 6 fresh cycles and if you are lucky enough to have any embies left over (after sharing), FETs are included as well.
The regular donor program lets you share your donor as well. Those prices are listed below:
1:1 $27,000
1:2 $16,000
1:3 $14,600
Any FETs would cost around $4,000.
Pretty steep on any level. When talking to the receptionist I asked her if we would have to go through all the initial testing again or if we could jump right in. She said that since it's been over 12 months that we would have to repeat all of our blood work and such as if we were new patients. That stinks but I understand why they do it that way. Things can change very suddenly sometimes.
I didn't tell BJ any of this yet. I'm trying to get a clearer picture of my own feelings before I approach him with this. He's going to want to know where the money is going to come from. I was thinking that if we go for the shared risk IVF that we would charge half and take the other half out of my 401k. Not exactly the wisest financial decision but what part of TTC with ART is? The money has to come from somewhere and since I don't have a money tree in my backyard I have to get creative. Also, we can't take out a home equity loan because the market is still not that great in our area and I doubt we have gained that much equity (if any at all) in the short amount of time we have lived in our house. I will probably let my dad know of our plans (if any plans get made) and maybe he will offer to help. I won't ask him to help because I just can't do that.
I'm not sure what direction we are going to go but I think BJ is starting to realize that me "just hoping for the best" (his words) isn't working for me. I feel like I need a clear direction to go in. I'm sort of wandering right now. I can feel myself being tugged into action. Not sure which action just yet, but action nonetheless.
Let's get this ball rolling...I want to be a mom.
I called my clinic. I asked about their Shared Risk IVF program, their Shared Risk Donor Egg program and their normal Donor Egg Program. I even went as far as leaving a message for my RE's nurse. The nurse I had been assigned to is no longer there. Here's what I found out.
The shared risk IVF is around $20,000. This includes 6 fresh IVF cycles and any subsequent FETs. If I do not take a baby home I get my money back. We have already given them about $13,000 and that was for 2 IUI's and an IVF. If I were not so sure that the treatments would have worked I would have scraped together another $7,000. Hind sight and blind hope gets me nothing but a much smaller wallet.
The shared risk donor egg program varies in price. They have this new program that lets people share their donor with as many as 2 other recipients. I've never heard of that but thought it was a good idea. The price scale for this is as follows:
1:1 (one donor, one recipient) $52,500
1:2 $37,000
1:3 $29,000
If there is no "take home" baby, they refund the money. This also includes 6 fresh cycles and if you are lucky enough to have any embies left over (after sharing), FETs are included as well.
The regular donor program lets you share your donor as well. Those prices are listed below:
1:1 $27,000
1:2 $16,000
1:3 $14,600
Any FETs would cost around $4,000.
Pretty steep on any level. When talking to the receptionist I asked her if we would have to go through all the initial testing again or if we could jump right in. She said that since it's been over 12 months that we would have to repeat all of our blood work and such as if we were new patients. That stinks but I understand why they do it that way. Things can change very suddenly sometimes.
I didn't tell BJ any of this yet. I'm trying to get a clearer picture of my own feelings before I approach him with this. He's going to want to know where the money is going to come from. I was thinking that if we go for the shared risk IVF that we would charge half and take the other half out of my 401k. Not exactly the wisest financial decision but what part of TTC with ART is? The money has to come from somewhere and since I don't have a money tree in my backyard I have to get creative. Also, we can't take out a home equity loan because the market is still not that great in our area and I doubt we have gained that much equity (if any at all) in the short amount of time we have lived in our house. I will probably let my dad know of our plans (if any plans get made) and maybe he will offer to help. I won't ask him to help because I just can't do that.
I'm not sure what direction we are going to go but I think BJ is starting to realize that me "just hoping for the best" (his words) isn't working for me. I feel like I need a clear direction to go in. I'm sort of wandering right now. I can feel myself being tugged into action. Not sure which action just yet, but action nonetheless.
Let's get this ball rolling...I want to be a mom.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Back in the Saddle
Not so much the saddle that I want to get back in as much as on the treadmill. I took a break from the little gym we have at work over the Summer. I hate going down there. There isn't anything on the TV that will keep my attention and so I hated being down there for my walks. I have been walking outside most of the Summer. It's not as good of a workout but I love the outdoors and the sunshine. Well, as many of you know, Fall is upon us. With Fall, brings falling temperatures. Today is November 1 and I decided to start back at the gym. I was going to do pilates this morning but my co-worker started a big conversation with me before I could head there. I went at lunch and walked 20 minutes with a 5 minute cool down. If you aren't good at math, like me, that's a full 25 minutes on the dreaded treadmill! Yee haw! I went 1.3 miles total. My legs are like jell-o right now but in a good way. I'm hoping to go at least 3 days a week. I'd really like to go 4 or 5 but I know myself so I'm setting a realistic goal for myself.
Yesterday was the trick or treating. We put up orange lights on the porch, hung 2 skeleton ghosts from our hanging plant hooks and hooked up 5 skeleton head lights for the sidewalk. We then opened the office windows and played the theme to Halloween on the computer. It was fun to hand out candy (sort of). We had 1 kid ask us if it was a haunted house and one little boy wouldn't come to the door until he saw it was safe. :-) That was pretty cool. I've never actually scared a little one before. The Little Guy went with his mother and her boyfriend and his kids. They stopped by very early for a couple of pictures. I have a lot more I could say about that, but will save it for another time. She annoys me sometimes to say the least. I'm sure I annoy her, too. Anyway...
BJ and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos and it was a special Halloween edition. I always see lots of babies and toddlers and what not on that show. It's just par for the course really. However, they showed a video of 3 very pregnant women and their bellies were painted like jack-o-lanterns. I didn't say anything but BJ piped in...."They just love to rub it in your face, don't they?". I agreed and rolled my eyes. It's EVERYWHERE. The fact that I can't have a baby is rubbed in my face constantly. Why? Why is the universe so cruel? These are the thoughts going through my head. Then Extreme Makeover comes on and things are really put into perspective for me. If you watched, you know what I mean. I have my health, well other than my fertility. The kids on this show were deaf and went to a special school that lacks proper funding. Infertility has made me focus on myself a lot. It's made me always think about what I'm missing and how things could be so much better. It makes me forget how much worse things could be. Everything else in my body (aside from my sometimes wacky thyroid) works fine. I have a great heart and lungs and liver and bladder...the whole 9 yards. I can see and smell and taste and hear. The only thing I can't do is have a baby. I want to stop being so selfish and thinking about what I'm missing all the time. The only problem with this is that I don't know how. I don't know how to look at babies and pregnant women and NOT think about my empty womb. When does that feeling end? When will it go away?
Today is CD24. My temp dropped down to be equal to my cover line temp this morning. I had a killer headache yesterday. I might not be very good at math, but I know that 2+2=4 and that a headache + a lower temperature = AF will be here in a day or two. My body might not work right but it has become a bit more predictable lately. That is the one positive thing I will pull from this cycle.
Yesterday was the trick or treating. We put up orange lights on the porch, hung 2 skeleton ghosts from our hanging plant hooks and hooked up 5 skeleton head lights for the sidewalk. We then opened the office windows and played the theme to Halloween on the computer. It was fun to hand out candy (sort of). We had 1 kid ask us if it was a haunted house and one little boy wouldn't come to the door until he saw it was safe. :-) That was pretty cool. I've never actually scared a little one before. The Little Guy went with his mother and her boyfriend and his kids. They stopped by very early for a couple of pictures. I have a lot more I could say about that, but will save it for another time. She annoys me sometimes to say the least. I'm sure I annoy her, too. Anyway...
BJ and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos and it was a special Halloween edition. I always see lots of babies and toddlers and what not on that show. It's just par for the course really. However, they showed a video of 3 very pregnant women and their bellies were painted like jack-o-lanterns. I didn't say anything but BJ piped in...."They just love to rub it in your face, don't they?". I agreed and rolled my eyes. It's EVERYWHERE. The fact that I can't have a baby is rubbed in my face constantly. Why? Why is the universe so cruel? These are the thoughts going through my head. Then Extreme Makeover comes on and things are really put into perspective for me. If you watched, you know what I mean. I have my health, well other than my fertility. The kids on this show were deaf and went to a special school that lacks proper funding. Infertility has made me focus on myself a lot. It's made me always think about what I'm missing and how things could be so much better. It makes me forget how much worse things could be. Everything else in my body (aside from my sometimes wacky thyroid) works fine. I have a great heart and lungs and liver and bladder...the whole 9 yards. I can see and smell and taste and hear. The only thing I can't do is have a baby. I want to stop being so selfish and thinking about what I'm missing all the time. The only problem with this is that I don't know how. I don't know how to look at babies and pregnant women and NOT think about my empty womb. When does that feeling end? When will it go away?
Today is CD24. My temp dropped down to be equal to my cover line temp this morning. I had a killer headache yesterday. I might not be very good at math, but I know that 2+2=4 and that a headache + a lower temperature = AF will be here in a day or two. My body might not work right but it has become a bit more predictable lately. That is the one positive thing I will pull from this cycle.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Beginning of the 2ww
We had a good weekend. Friday night was not a scrapping night for me as I decided to go down to Rick and Leslie's with BJ. I had a few glasses of wine and played Wii with Leslie while BJ played pool with Rick. We made it an early night because Leslie had to work early Saturday morning. BJ agreed to go to the shed place with Rick Saturday and then head over to the farmer's market/flea market. The weather was pleasant and we walked and browsed and came home with some tomatoes and some good apples. Then we went to lunch with Rick. Rick is 50 but I don't think he looks his age. The waitress brought over the check and gave it to Rick. The thought running through my head was that she figured he was our dad. BJ pulled out his wallet and we paid with our card and took cash from Rick. When she came back, she handed the slip to Rick again! Later, BJ told me that he was going to call Rick "dad" but didn't want to offend him. It's funny that he and I both thought the same thing about the situation.
We went to the Halloween store to get a few things to decorate the front porch. We didn't buy much but ended up spending just over $100. Sheesh! Then on Sunday, BJ washed his truck and I did some laundry and we watched football. My poor Redskins...they put up a good fight but ended up losing. I (and most everyone else) thought we'd get creamed, but they hung in there and they forced turnovers and held Peyton to just 27 points...not to shabby for a team that went 4-12 last year. I'm proud of the progress they have made as a team this year. I still love Peyton, but I was so hoping he'd lose.
I did some opk testing Friday and Saturday. Friday was very negative. Saturday afternoon's test was really close to positive so I knew that ovulation was probably going to happen Sunday. We did the deed Friday night so I knew we wouldn't be doing anything Saturday as well. I felt pretty confident that anything that was still swimming around would be ok since I was having some major ewcm. I tested Sunday morning and it looked the same as Saturday afternoon so I knew we needed to get things done soon. I tried all day to get my husband in that bed...he seems to think that sex is something we can only do at night. I started feeling the ovary pain at 5:00pm. I was finally able to get BJ into the sack around 7:00pm. My ovary hurt so bad I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to continue. I haven't felt pain like that during sex in a long time...I find it odd that I feel pain in my ovary when my ovaries have nothing to do with the actual act of sex. Strange. Anyway, BJ was oblivious and eventually the pain became tolerable so the job got done. So now I wait. And I hope. And I dream. And I imagine.
I would like to think that we timed things really good this time. Friday and Sunday with ovulation Sunday night seems pretty good, right? I sure do hope so. It's time to start analyzing everything going on in my body. I now think I don't produce enough progesterone. My temp spikes are hardly noticeable anymore. Today's temp (I usually spike 2 days after O'ing) was only a tenth of a degree higher. I hope it goes higher because I would hate to think that I have yet another obstacle against me. Infertility keeps throwing me curve balls and I can't seem to figure anything out anymore.
So here's to the 2ww!
We went to the Halloween store to get a few things to decorate the front porch. We didn't buy much but ended up spending just over $100. Sheesh! Then on Sunday, BJ washed his truck and I did some laundry and we watched football. My poor Redskins...they put up a good fight but ended up losing. I (and most everyone else) thought we'd get creamed, but they hung in there and they forced turnovers and held Peyton to just 27 points...not to shabby for a team that went 4-12 last year. I'm proud of the progress they have made as a team this year. I still love Peyton, but I was so hoping he'd lose.
I did some opk testing Friday and Saturday. Friday was very negative. Saturday afternoon's test was really close to positive so I knew that ovulation was probably going to happen Sunday. We did the deed Friday night so I knew we wouldn't be doing anything Saturday as well. I felt pretty confident that anything that was still swimming around would be ok since I was having some major ewcm. I tested Sunday morning and it looked the same as Saturday afternoon so I knew we needed to get things done soon. I tried all day to get my husband in that bed...he seems to think that sex is something we can only do at night. I started feeling the ovary pain at 5:00pm. I was finally able to get BJ into the sack around 7:00pm. My ovary hurt so bad I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to continue. I haven't felt pain like that during sex in a long time...I find it odd that I feel pain in my ovary when my ovaries have nothing to do with the actual act of sex. Strange. Anyway, BJ was oblivious and eventually the pain became tolerable so the job got done. So now I wait. And I hope. And I dream. And I imagine.
I would like to think that we timed things really good this time. Friday and Sunday with ovulation Sunday night seems pretty good, right? I sure do hope so. It's time to start analyzing everything going on in my body. I now think I don't produce enough progesterone. My temp spikes are hardly noticeable anymore. Today's temp (I usually spike 2 days after O'ing) was only a tenth of a degree higher. I hope it goes higher because I would hate to think that I have yet another obstacle against me. Infertility keeps throwing me curve balls and I can't seem to figure anything out anymore.
So here's to the 2ww!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
7DPO?
I wrote this yesterday but could not post it so it's a day behind and I didn't even proof read it so it might not be up to par so I apologize for that. :-)
I think I'm 7dpo. I might be 8, I'm not sure. My temp took it's good old time rising this time around and I had a strangely high temp well before ovulation so FF was a little confused. I'm trying to go on my opk's and what I felt. FF says I'm only 5dpo but I believe I'm at least 2 days ahead of that. Either way, I'm in the 2ww. And I would have to say that we timed things pretty ok. And that's saying a lot given our history of BD'ing when it's time. So I will start to analyze every little thing starting today, I'm sure. But as an infertile, I can't help it.
On Saturday, the Little Guy and I went to his cousin's soccer game and then the whole gang came over for lunch and stayed until almost dinner time. The boys stayed the night and the niece went home missing her brothers. It was fun to have everyone over. We grilled hamburgers and chicken breasts. I was at the store Friday and just happened to notice a marinade recipe on the back of the mustard bottle as I was looking for the expiration date. I told BJ we ought to try it. It was a huge success. All the kids liked it and we did too, of course. It's like a honey mustard without the honey. If you get a chance, check it out. It was mustard, brown sugar and ranch dressing. So yummy. Especially the part that BJ saved to the side for dipping or drizzling after the chicken was grilled. We found a winner.
The boys went home Sunday around noon and we just chilled out and watched some football. It was a lovely weekend. It really made me wish that I had another child in the house to give us some chaos. And so the Little Guy would always have a playmate. I so wish that I could have had a baby 2 or 3 years ago. It makes me sad that if I were to have one now, it and the Little Guy wouldn't really form that sibling bond that siblings closer in age form. There was 8 1/2 years between me and my brother and while I cherished him like no other, we didn't have the close sibling relationship that I wanted. It's hard when there is that much of an age difference. I can't even imagine an age difference more than 10 years. It seems to me that they would never be able to relate to each other. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I am and that I actually get to find out what kind of relationship they would have.
This gives me a better perspective of people suffering secondary infertility. I would think that most people want their kids to be relatively close in age. And when couples struggle to have another child and can't I'm sure it's very frustrating. I'm sure they watch one child grow and wonder if that child will ever be a big brother or sister. If they will ever have someone to share bunk beds with, fight over the remote with, race to the front seat of the car with...all those things that siblings do. I'm sure it's hard having loads of baby gear and clothes saved for the next baby and that next baby never shows up. It must be really sad. Yes, I think some people might tell those secondary infertiles to just be happy with what they have and at least they have one child. But at the same time, if you feel your life is missing a child and you can't fill that hole, it's a hole nonetheless. I don't know many couples that are adamant about wanting just one child so when the plan to fill a house or at least 2 bedrooms comes up empty, I'm sure they suffer just as much as we do. Yes, they have a child that they love and cherish but I'm sure they still feel incomplete and like they are doing that child a disservice when they are trying desperately to have another. In a way, that is exactly how I feel. I think the Little Guy would make a great big brother, but his big brother days are slipping away one by one and it makes me very sad.
This not the direction in which this post was supposed to go, but it is what it is and that is just how if flowed out of me. We all suffer in one way or another in this infertile land. I hope that we all find a way out of it so the suffering can stop.
And thank you to everyone that stopped by my blog this week! I love new comments and I have found a few new ones to follow. It's always great to meet new bloggers and make new connections. Especially other hockey fans...even if they are Chicago and Pittsburgh fans. :-) We are going to Caps Convention Saturday and we can't wait! I'm trying to get BJ to cave in on me spending $25 for a picture with my all time favorite, the reason I paid attention to hockey in the first place, player...Peter "Banzai"Bondra! I'll let you know how that turns out. :-)
I think I'm 7dpo. I might be 8, I'm not sure. My temp took it's good old time rising this time around and I had a strangely high temp well before ovulation so FF was a little confused. I'm trying to go on my opk's and what I felt. FF says I'm only 5dpo but I believe I'm at least 2 days ahead of that. Either way, I'm in the 2ww. And I would have to say that we timed things pretty ok. And that's saying a lot given our history of BD'ing when it's time. So I will start to analyze every little thing starting today, I'm sure. But as an infertile, I can't help it.
On Saturday, the Little Guy and I went to his cousin's soccer game and then the whole gang came over for lunch and stayed until almost dinner time. The boys stayed the night and the niece went home missing her brothers. It was fun to have everyone over. We grilled hamburgers and chicken breasts. I was at the store Friday and just happened to notice a marinade recipe on the back of the mustard bottle as I was looking for the expiration date. I told BJ we ought to try it. It was a huge success. All the kids liked it and we did too, of course. It's like a honey mustard without the honey. If you get a chance, check it out. It was mustard, brown sugar and ranch dressing. So yummy. Especially the part that BJ saved to the side for dipping or drizzling after the chicken was grilled. We found a winner.
The boys went home Sunday around noon and we just chilled out and watched some football. It was a lovely weekend. It really made me wish that I had another child in the house to give us some chaos. And so the Little Guy would always have a playmate. I so wish that I could have had a baby 2 or 3 years ago. It makes me sad that if I were to have one now, it and the Little Guy wouldn't really form that sibling bond that siblings closer in age form. There was 8 1/2 years between me and my brother and while I cherished him like no other, we didn't have the close sibling relationship that I wanted. It's hard when there is that much of an age difference. I can't even imagine an age difference more than 10 years. It seems to me that they would never be able to relate to each other. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I am and that I actually get to find out what kind of relationship they would have.
This gives me a better perspective of people suffering secondary infertility. I would think that most people want their kids to be relatively close in age. And when couples struggle to have another child and can't I'm sure it's very frustrating. I'm sure they watch one child grow and wonder if that child will ever be a big brother or sister. If they will ever have someone to share bunk beds with, fight over the remote with, race to the front seat of the car with...all those things that siblings do. I'm sure it's hard having loads of baby gear and clothes saved for the next baby and that next baby never shows up. It must be really sad. Yes, I think some people might tell those secondary infertiles to just be happy with what they have and at least they have one child. But at the same time, if you feel your life is missing a child and you can't fill that hole, it's a hole nonetheless. I don't know many couples that are adamant about wanting just one child so when the plan to fill a house or at least 2 bedrooms comes up empty, I'm sure they suffer just as much as we do. Yes, they have a child that they love and cherish but I'm sure they still feel incomplete and like they are doing that child a disservice when they are trying desperately to have another. In a way, that is exactly how I feel. I think the Little Guy would make a great big brother, but his big brother days are slipping away one by one and it makes me very sad.
This not the direction in which this post was supposed to go, but it is what it is and that is just how if flowed out of me. We all suffer in one way or another in this infertile land. I hope that we all find a way out of it so the suffering can stop.
And thank you to everyone that stopped by my blog this week! I love new comments and I have found a few new ones to follow. It's always great to meet new bloggers and make new connections. Especially other hockey fans...even if they are Chicago and Pittsburgh fans. :-) We are going to Caps Convention Saturday and we can't wait! I'm trying to get BJ to cave in on me spending $25 for a picture with my all time favorite, the reason I paid attention to hockey in the first place, player...Peter "Banzai"Bondra! I'll let you know how that turns out. :-)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Gone Too Long
I'm here and I'm ok. I'm just very busy these days. Work is out of control busy and I just crash in the evenings when I'm home. I'm reading blogs and commenting a little, but of course not as much as I'd like to. For that, I apologize.
Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. I hope that the Little Guy realizes how much I love him and how much I wish he were mine. We don't always see eye to eye, but we have a connection and it's pretty special in my eyes. I will be bummed again when I'm home watching the game on TV knowing that he chose to be with his mom, but I'll be ok. We are going to the convention in 2 weeks and I plan to make the best of that time with him.
BJ's birthday was Friday. We had planned on going to the mountains and riding our 4-wheelers for the weekend but the darn things needed some mechanical work so we were unable to go. That left us scrambling for something "family" oriented that we could do this weekend. We finally (and I mean Thursday night) decided to head to Virginia Beach. We have never been there before and the weather forecast was outstanding. We picked the Little Guy up from school and headed out Friday around 12:30. We didn't get to our hotel until 5:00pm! There was so much traffic it was unreal. We had no idea what we were in for. We went from 4 lanes down to 2 lanes to go through a tunnel. It was frustrating to say the least. Especially since we were only about 25 miles from our destination when we hit the traffic.
We picked a certain hotel because it had an indoor pool and a bedroom. Most of the pools close up after Labor Day and the Little Guy loves to swim. The bedroom was nice because I was sure I'd get my positive on my opk and this way we'd have some privacy. Our bedroom was nice but it didn't have a door. It had a huge mirror on the wall and BJ said it was a s.e..x mirror. Nice. We turned the a/c down when we left for dinner. We walked and ate dinner and headed back at 8:00 so we could sit in the hot tub while the Little Guy swam. Our room never cooled off. It was still 79 degrees in there with the unit running constantly. And to top off the evening, apparently, from 8:00 to 11:00 is adult swim only. As we headed back to our room to figure out what to do next, we heard our neighbors....we heard every word they spoke. And they weren't talking loudly at all. We had enough. BJ canceled our room for Saturday night and that put us on a mission to find another place to stay. This was turning out to be a great vacation. The air show was in town so it took us a while to find a room. I found a room at a place with a heated outdoor pool that I booked. We paid an additional $25 so we could have ocean front. It was so worth it. When we checked in we just sat outside and listened to the waves and left the door open and chilled. And since the air show was in town, we got a very close view of the Blue Angels as they prepped for their appearance. I love jets! They flew out over the water and made so much noise. At one point, we were running from the front door to the back door every time we heard a noise...it was fun. And it was so much better than the other hotel we stayed at. BJ and I sat outside until after 11:00 while the Little Guy settled in and went to sleep. It was chilly and I had bought a warm sweater earlier when we were walking so I put it on and then brought the bedspread out to cover my legs while we listened to and watched the ocean. It was so relaxing...exactly what it was meant to be.
Now, for the TTC stuff, since this is my TTC blog. Right before we left on Friday (and here is your TMI alert) I used the bathroom and there was a giant glob of ewcm. I had tested and was negative on my opk but I figured it was pretty useless since we were going to be in very close quarters all weekend. I tested negative on Saturday as well, but had some watery/creamy cm. And to my surprise, BJ decided Saturday night in the bathroom would be a good time to sneak in a quickie. There is about a foot height difference between us so it was interesting to say the least, but we got the job done. :-) I was having a hard time timing my testing and trying to make sure my urine was concentrated enough and all that jazz, so my testing might not have been completely accurate. I tested again Sunday afternoon and got a negative, but again, I think it had only been 2 hours since I'd gone so I don't know if it was a true negative. I tested yesterday at work twice and it was negative again but then on the way home I started to feel some distinct ovary pain. I tested when I got home and it was as close to positive as I had seen and thankfully BJ was up for some fun. I was still feeling some ovary twinges this morning so of course my hopes are now up. I am debating whether or not to test again to see what happens. Might not waste a strip.
Anyway, that is what I have been up to...working and getting away for the weekend. And upon my return to work I was informed that I will be working a half hour of overtime each day for the next 6 or so weeks. How fun does that sound? Oh well, it's temporary so I will just have to deal with it I guess.
And I just realized that today is the start of ICLW. I should really do a post for that but it has taken me 2 days just to write this one. That post will have to wait. Maybe I will fill it in by doing a Happiness Is post. We'll see. But I definitely have time to sneak in some blog reading, just not so much on the commenting. I really need a smart phone so I can do this on the bus ride to and from work. I've been contemplating getting either an iPhone or a Droid of some sort...need to do more research. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to any new readers and any new blogs to follow!
Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. I hope that the Little Guy realizes how much I love him and how much I wish he were mine. We don't always see eye to eye, but we have a connection and it's pretty special in my eyes. I will be bummed again when I'm home watching the game on TV knowing that he chose to be with his mom, but I'll be ok. We are going to the convention in 2 weeks and I plan to make the best of that time with him.
BJ's birthday was Friday. We had planned on going to the mountains and riding our 4-wheelers for the weekend but the darn things needed some mechanical work so we were unable to go. That left us scrambling for something "family" oriented that we could do this weekend. We finally (and I mean Thursday night) decided to head to Virginia Beach. We have never been there before and the weather forecast was outstanding. We picked the Little Guy up from school and headed out Friday around 12:30. We didn't get to our hotel until 5:00pm! There was so much traffic it was unreal. We had no idea what we were in for. We went from 4 lanes down to 2 lanes to go through a tunnel. It was frustrating to say the least. Especially since we were only about 25 miles from our destination when we hit the traffic.
We picked a certain hotel because it had an indoor pool and a bedroom. Most of the pools close up after Labor Day and the Little Guy loves to swim. The bedroom was nice because I was sure I'd get my positive on my opk and this way we'd have some privacy. Our bedroom was nice but it didn't have a door. It had a huge mirror on the wall and BJ said it was a s.e..x mirror. Nice. We turned the a/c down when we left for dinner. We walked and ate dinner and headed back at 8:00 so we could sit in the hot tub while the Little Guy swam. Our room never cooled off. It was still 79 degrees in there with the unit running constantly. And to top off the evening, apparently, from 8:00 to 11:00 is adult swim only. As we headed back to our room to figure out what to do next, we heard our neighbors....we heard every word they spoke. And they weren't talking loudly at all. We had enough. BJ canceled our room for Saturday night and that put us on a mission to find another place to stay. This was turning out to be a great vacation. The air show was in town so it took us a while to find a room. I found a room at a place with a heated outdoor pool that I booked. We paid an additional $25 so we could have ocean front. It was so worth it. When we checked in we just sat outside and listened to the waves and left the door open and chilled. And since the air show was in town, we got a very close view of the Blue Angels as they prepped for their appearance. I love jets! They flew out over the water and made so much noise. At one point, we were running from the front door to the back door every time we heard a noise...it was fun. And it was so much better than the other hotel we stayed at. BJ and I sat outside until after 11:00 while the Little Guy settled in and went to sleep. It was chilly and I had bought a warm sweater earlier when we were walking so I put it on and then brought the bedspread out to cover my legs while we listened to and watched the ocean. It was so relaxing...exactly what it was meant to be.
Now, for the TTC stuff, since this is my TTC blog. Right before we left on Friday (and here is your TMI alert) I used the bathroom and there was a giant glob of ewcm. I had tested and was negative on my opk but I figured it was pretty useless since we were going to be in very close quarters all weekend. I tested negative on Saturday as well, but had some watery/creamy cm. And to my surprise, BJ decided Saturday night in the bathroom would be a good time to sneak in a quickie. There is about a foot height difference between us so it was interesting to say the least, but we got the job done. :-) I was having a hard time timing my testing and trying to make sure my urine was concentrated enough and all that jazz, so my testing might not have been completely accurate. I tested again Sunday afternoon and got a negative, but again, I think it had only been 2 hours since I'd gone so I don't know if it was a true negative. I tested yesterday at work twice and it was negative again but then on the way home I started to feel some distinct ovary pain. I tested when I got home and it was as close to positive as I had seen and thankfully BJ was up for some fun. I was still feeling some ovary twinges this morning so of course my hopes are now up. I am debating whether or not to test again to see what happens. Might not waste a strip.
Anyway, that is what I have been up to...working and getting away for the weekend. And upon my return to work I was informed that I will be working a half hour of overtime each day for the next 6 or so weeks. How fun does that sound? Oh well, it's temporary so I will just have to deal with it I guess.
And I just realized that today is the start of ICLW. I should really do a post for that but it has taken me 2 days just to write this one. That post will have to wait. Maybe I will fill it in by doing a Happiness Is post. We'll see. But I definitely have time to sneak in some blog reading, just not so much on the commenting. I really need a smart phone so I can do this on the bus ride to and from work. I've been contemplating getting either an iPhone or a Droid of some sort...need to do more research. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to any new readers and any new blogs to follow!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Fears
Since this is my outlet and I feel pretty safe here, I'm going to lay out some things in my life that I'm afraid of. It helps me to get these things off my chest and hopefully off my mind for a little while. I'm sure some of these fears will have people rolling their eyes or scoffing and I might even offend some of you. None of that is my intent...only to maybe help someone else out there that has had these feelings and thinks they may be alone or "wrong" in what they feel. You are not alone. My mind can cook up some pretty off the wall and unexplained things to be afraid of.
As most of you know, I was married before. During that relationship, I was always afraid that I was going to be without my husband. I could never put my finger on it but I was convinced that he would be taken away from me. As our marriage crumbled right before my eyes that realization came to fruition. My fear came true. I was alone and without him. My future was unknown. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was afraid of being alone and on my own. I didn't know how to be TeeJay because I spent so many years being C's wife, part of a twosome that was nearly inseparable. I had been happy that way...pretty carefree, actually. Then my marriage ended and I was overcome with many fears about who I was and where I was going. It was too much for me to handle and I needed to get on an anti-depressant.
I met BJ a few months after I split with my ex. We were just friends for a little while, mainly because I was afraid of another relationship. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend or even just casually date someone. Things moved pretty quickly anyway and before I knew it I was invested in this new relationship. That terrified me. I didn't know how to love someone else. I didn't know how to be loved by someone else. It took me a while to admit to myself that I fell in love with BJ. Then we moved in together, got married and started our life together.
I now have a whole new set of fears. I fear that things will go south suddenly, like with my last marriage. Sure, I'm older and wiser now, but that doesn't help my inner fears to disappear. I'm afraid that if I do something wrong, he'll come to me and tell me that he's not happy. I'm afraid that he will leave and I'll be all alone again. I have no reason to think that things are on the rocks. Things are actually very good with us right now. But the fear sits there and torments me every time we have a disagreement. I don't know what to do about it. It just won't go away.
Then there's the whole TTC thing. I'm afraid of never getting pregnant. I think most of you can relate to that fear. It's a fear that definitely haunts me daily. Then there's this other fear. The one that some of you my turn your noses up at. What if I do get pregnant?
If I get pregnant...will I mis-carry? Will I carry to term? If I carry to term will I have a healthy baby? Will motherhood be overwhelming for me? Will I regret gaining weight and getting stretch marks and all the other changes that will happen to my body? What if BJ doesn't like me anymore after pregnancy? Will I be disappointed if I'm not magically happy after I have a baby? What about my parenting relationship with my husband? Will we butt heads? Will we drift apart? What will motherhood do to how I feel about my job? Will I be ok with working and leaving my child with someone else? What if I'm not? Have I built up motherhood too much? It's almost like "be careful what you wish for..."
My head is spinning...
Sometimes I wonder if my fears have somehow stopped me from conceiving. I've heard that there is a direct connection between the subconscious and our overall well being. Not sure how much it has really affected me...but again...it's one of my fears. Apparently, I have many of them.
I know with my brain that it's ok to have these fears. I know that it's ok to wonder what life will be like after having a baby. It really changes everything about your life and who you are. I just hope that by having these fears, and giving them a voice, I haven't sabotaged myself. I really DO want a baby and I really DO want to be a mother. And I really love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. But still, the fears linger.
As most of you know, I was married before. During that relationship, I was always afraid that I was going to be without my husband. I could never put my finger on it but I was convinced that he would be taken away from me. As our marriage crumbled right before my eyes that realization came to fruition. My fear came true. I was alone and without him. My future was unknown. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was afraid of being alone and on my own. I didn't know how to be TeeJay because I spent so many years being C's wife, part of a twosome that was nearly inseparable. I had been happy that way...pretty carefree, actually. Then my marriage ended and I was overcome with many fears about who I was and where I was going. It was too much for me to handle and I needed to get on an anti-depressant.
I met BJ a few months after I split with my ex. We were just friends for a little while, mainly because I was afraid of another relationship. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend or even just casually date someone. Things moved pretty quickly anyway and before I knew it I was invested in this new relationship. That terrified me. I didn't know how to love someone else. I didn't know how to be loved by someone else. It took me a while to admit to myself that I fell in love with BJ. Then we moved in together, got married and started our life together.
I now have a whole new set of fears. I fear that things will go south suddenly, like with my last marriage. Sure, I'm older and wiser now, but that doesn't help my inner fears to disappear. I'm afraid that if I do something wrong, he'll come to me and tell me that he's not happy. I'm afraid that he will leave and I'll be all alone again. I have no reason to think that things are on the rocks. Things are actually very good with us right now. But the fear sits there and torments me every time we have a disagreement. I don't know what to do about it. It just won't go away.
Then there's the whole TTC thing. I'm afraid of never getting pregnant. I think most of you can relate to that fear. It's a fear that definitely haunts me daily. Then there's this other fear. The one that some of you my turn your noses up at. What if I do get pregnant?
If I get pregnant...will I mis-carry? Will I carry to term? If I carry to term will I have a healthy baby? Will motherhood be overwhelming for me? Will I regret gaining weight and getting stretch marks and all the other changes that will happen to my body? What if BJ doesn't like me anymore after pregnancy? Will I be disappointed if I'm not magically happy after I have a baby? What about my parenting relationship with my husband? Will we butt heads? Will we drift apart? What will motherhood do to how I feel about my job? Will I be ok with working and leaving my child with someone else? What if I'm not? Have I built up motherhood too much? It's almost like "be careful what you wish for..."
My head is spinning...
Sometimes I wonder if my fears have somehow stopped me from conceiving. I've heard that there is a direct connection between the subconscious and our overall well being. Not sure how much it has really affected me...but again...it's one of my fears. Apparently, I have many of them.
I know with my brain that it's ok to have these fears. I know that it's ok to wonder what life will be like after having a baby. It really changes everything about your life and who you are. I just hope that by having these fears, and giving them a voice, I haven't sabotaged myself. I really DO want a baby and I really DO want to be a mother. And I really love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. But still, the fears linger.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Why I've Been Absent...
Howdy, folks! I have so much to say and I will try to condense it as much as possible. I started this post last Thursday and wrote all of one sentence and then had to close down and have not been able to start again until now.
1 - Work was so busy last week. We flew 30 people in for a meeting that lasted from Friday until Sunday. I didn't have to be there but I was involved in most of the logistics of the meeting...the catering, the materials, the a/v etc. It was a lot to deal with and we were short handed on the support staff side of things.
2 - We (the Little Guy and I) went to the beach Friday with my SIL and her 3 kids. Everything was fine until we were leaving and my SIL had a major asthma attack right on the beach. Luckily there was a young man that called up to the park office to get help. They had to come get her on the John Deere Gator and take her back up (we walked down a pretty long hill to get to the water). I was in charge of all the kids and all the stuff we had brought. Her oldest son also has asthma and she was worried that he'd have an attack walking up the hill in the heat so the Gator guy came and grabbed him and was nice enough to take our cart full of stuff so that we could just concentrate on walking up. She's ok but she sure scared me. She was in the hospital earlier this year for 10 or 11 days with asthma complications so the last thing we need is her to have a relapse.
3 - Our new kitchen floor and backsplash was installed Friday. The guys arrived about 9:00am and worked their butts off until almost 9:00pm. They ran out of grout so BJ has to finish a portion of the backsplash himself. We can't put the stove back until it's done. It looks great and once BJ finishes that and puts the hardware on the cabinets I will post pictures of before and after. I love the floor and the glass tile backsplash. We weren't there all weekend so not having a stove didn't affect us until last night. Tonight we will grill salmon and steam asparagus in my steamer.
4 - We weren't home because we were offered a "free vacation" at Massanutten for 3 days and 2 nights. It's one of those time share offers where you have to sit through their sales pitch and you get to stay for free. We left Saturday morning and got back yesterday afternoon. We enjoyed ourselves. We rode go-karts, played putt-putt, went to the indoor/outdoor water park, played at the arcades, played ping pong (it was the Little Guy's first time playing), played a golf simulator, had some decent food and just enjoyed being away from home. They offered a spectacular deal but we knew going in that we weren't going to buy anything. We want to be as debt free as possible until we apply for financing for our pool.
5 - I took my OPK's with me as I was certain that I would get a positive reading while we were gone. We stayed at a 1 bedroom condo so I thought for sure that we would be able to get some BD'ing in. I tested negative Saturday and that's the night that BJ was ready to go, of course. So we tried. And we failed. He was certain that the Little Guy could hear us even though the door was shut and our TV was on. He was really close a couple of times but just lost his concentration. Just my luck. And it's also just my luck that I got my positive reading Sunday afternoon. I knew better that to even try to get anything out of him again. *sigh* I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday morning because I felt some twinges on my right ovary. My temp was up slightly this morning so I'm pretty convinced that it was yesterday. However, we were able to get some action in last night so just in case that little egg came out later than I thought, we might still have a small chance. I'll take a small chance over no chance at all.
6 - On our trip I was in my bathing suit almost all day on Sunday. I scoped out my "area" to see how the waxing was holding up. I think I have 12 hairs in all that have grown back and might (I stress might) be long enough to be waxed again. It's been over 3 weeks since I was waxed and I'm loving it.
7 - As you can imagine, I have a lot of blog reading to do. I haven't read anything since Wednesday or Thursday so I apologize for the lack of comments. I'll get back into the swing of things shortly. Keep a look out on some of your older posts for my 2 cents!
1 - Work was so busy last week. We flew 30 people in for a meeting that lasted from Friday until Sunday. I didn't have to be there but I was involved in most of the logistics of the meeting...the catering, the materials, the a/v etc. It was a lot to deal with and we were short handed on the support staff side of things.
2 - We (the Little Guy and I) went to the beach Friday with my SIL and her 3 kids. Everything was fine until we were leaving and my SIL had a major asthma attack right on the beach. Luckily there was a young man that called up to the park office to get help. They had to come get her on the John Deere Gator and take her back up (we walked down a pretty long hill to get to the water). I was in charge of all the kids and all the stuff we had brought. Her oldest son also has asthma and she was worried that he'd have an attack walking up the hill in the heat so the Gator guy came and grabbed him and was nice enough to take our cart full of stuff so that we could just concentrate on walking up. She's ok but she sure scared me. She was in the hospital earlier this year for 10 or 11 days with asthma complications so the last thing we need is her to have a relapse.
3 - Our new kitchen floor and backsplash was installed Friday. The guys arrived about 9:00am and worked their butts off until almost 9:00pm. They ran out of grout so BJ has to finish a portion of the backsplash himself. We can't put the stove back until it's done. It looks great and once BJ finishes that and puts the hardware on the cabinets I will post pictures of before and after. I love the floor and the glass tile backsplash. We weren't there all weekend so not having a stove didn't affect us until last night. Tonight we will grill salmon and steam asparagus in my steamer.
4 - We weren't home because we were offered a "free vacation" at Massanutten for 3 days and 2 nights. It's one of those time share offers where you have to sit through their sales pitch and you get to stay for free. We left Saturday morning and got back yesterday afternoon. We enjoyed ourselves. We rode go-karts, played putt-putt, went to the indoor/outdoor water park, played at the arcades, played ping pong (it was the Little Guy's first time playing), played a golf simulator, had some decent food and just enjoyed being away from home. They offered a spectacular deal but we knew going in that we weren't going to buy anything. We want to be as debt free as possible until we apply for financing for our pool.
5 - I took my OPK's with me as I was certain that I would get a positive reading while we were gone. We stayed at a 1 bedroom condo so I thought for sure that we would be able to get some BD'ing in. I tested negative Saturday and that's the night that BJ was ready to go, of course. So we tried. And we failed. He was certain that the Little Guy could hear us even though the door was shut and our TV was on. He was really close a couple of times but just lost his concentration. Just my luck. And it's also just my luck that I got my positive reading Sunday afternoon. I knew better that to even try to get anything out of him again. *sigh* I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday morning because I felt some twinges on my right ovary. My temp was up slightly this morning so I'm pretty convinced that it was yesterday. However, we were able to get some action in last night so just in case that little egg came out later than I thought, we might still have a small chance. I'll take a small chance over no chance at all.
6 - On our trip I was in my bathing suit almost all day on Sunday. I scoped out my "area" to see how the waxing was holding up. I think I have 12 hairs in all that have grown back and might (I stress might) be long enough to be waxed again. It's been over 3 weeks since I was waxed and I'm loving it.
7 - As you can imagine, I have a lot of blog reading to do. I haven't read anything since Wednesday or Thursday so I apologize for the lack of comments. I'll get back into the swing of things shortly. Keep a look out on some of your older posts for my 2 cents!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Weekend Recap
I've been so busy at work that I haven't had time to post anything and I hate it when that happens. I'll give everyone a quick run down of the last week and then get in to my strange cycle that I'm experiencing.
- We had the Little Guy Friday night so I drove to work that day in order to get home and chill out with my guys a little earlier than usual. As soon as I come in the house BJ's phone rings. It's the neighbor at the bottom of the hill inviting us to dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse. I didn't want to go because it's very expensive (basically $21 a person) and I had JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR. But we went. Never mind the fact that I paid our mortgage that day and had planned on getting a pedicure that weekend. Dinner was fine and we had a good chef and the food was good, but we spent $80 with tip! For 3 people to eat Chinese food basically. Unreal. No pedi for me so now I am way over due and have to wait until next pay day (tomorrow).
- We had workers at the house Saturday morning and now I have a huge hole in my dining room wall. I really need to post about this house situation but I hate to complain about something I love so much.
- We took the Little Guy shoe shopping after the workers left. Tell me, how many 8 year olds get to decide what shoes they will and won't wear? This is one of those step-parenting moments where I wish I were the mother because he would wear whatever shoe fit and I bought for him, within reason of course. BJ let him call the shots....he wants Nike 6.0's like all his other friends. Whatever. I gave up. We don't live near a mall and all the 6.0's that we found weren't the right color. Give me a break. I was so done with this excursion and we were only looking for a little over an hour.
- BJ's sister and her family came over Saturday evening. We grilled some yummy pork chops and some bbq chicken legs and I made macaroni salad. The kids played and decided to go play on the new construction dirt outside. SIL and I went for a walk after dinner, leaving the boys (our husbands) to babysit the kids. When we got back, the kids were a muddy mess and had to change their clothes before touching anything in my house. Then the neighbors we had dinner with Friday night came over and we all chatted for a while. They didn't leave until 11:00. I can't believe we kept the kids up that late. At least it's not an every day thing.
- We had to give the Little Guy back to his mom early on Sunday because she wanted to take him camping. We had been invited to a cookout and crab feast at a friend's house so we headed there. It was really hot outside but we couldn't tell. Their yard is right on the river bank and shaded by 3 big trees. It was perfect...warm with a breeze. We saw quite a few people from our old neighborhood and it was really good to get caught up with everyone and hear all the good (and not so good) gossip. After we left there and since it was early, we decided to hang out with the bottom of the hill neighbors for a little while. I think we were just avoiding going home because the Little Guy wasn't there. We didn't get home until 12:00 midnight. A very long day indeed.
- Needless to say, we vegged on Monday. It was so nice to just sit home. We didn't drive anywhere. We even ate all 3 meals at home. :-) It was so sunny that I decided to lather up with some sunscreen and lay out on the deck for a little while. BJ took his shirt off and sat in a chair and we listened to the birds and the radio and just chilled out. It was great. We needed that day after the busy weekend we had.
I'm on CD17 today. FF has yet to tell me if/when I ovulated. I had a high temp on CD9 for some reason and I think it threw my whole chart off. However, this morning I had a pre-ovulation temp of 97.9. I'm pretty sure I felt ovary pinching on Monday, which is good because we did some BD'ing Sunday night. But Monday was CD14 and that's a little late for me. So once again I have no idea what my body is doing. We BD'd on CD8, 10, 13 and 16....I'm hoping we covered our bases. I actually saw a tiny bit of ewcm on CD13 so I'm wondering if I did, indeed, ovulate on Monday? I'm going to wait to see what my temp is tomorrow morning before I manually override my chart info on what I felt. I will definitely be ordering my opk's in the next few days. I can't keep guessing about when I ovulate. This baby makin' stuff is enough to drive a woman insane.
- We had the Little Guy Friday night so I drove to work that day in order to get home and chill out with my guys a little earlier than usual. As soon as I come in the house BJ's phone rings. It's the neighbor at the bottom of the hill inviting us to dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse. I didn't want to go because it's very expensive (basically $21 a person) and I had JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR. But we went. Never mind the fact that I paid our mortgage that day and had planned on getting a pedicure that weekend. Dinner was fine and we had a good chef and the food was good, but we spent $80 with tip! For 3 people to eat Chinese food basically. Unreal. No pedi for me so now I am way over due and have to wait until next pay day (tomorrow).
- We had workers at the house Saturday morning and now I have a huge hole in my dining room wall. I really need to post about this house situation but I hate to complain about something I love so much.
- We took the Little Guy shoe shopping after the workers left. Tell me, how many 8 year olds get to decide what shoes they will and won't wear? This is one of those step-parenting moments where I wish I were the mother because he would wear whatever shoe fit and I bought for him, within reason of course. BJ let him call the shots....he wants Nike 6.0's like all his other friends. Whatever. I gave up. We don't live near a mall and all the 6.0's that we found weren't the right color. Give me a break. I was so done with this excursion and we were only looking for a little over an hour.
- BJ's sister and her family came over Saturday evening. We grilled some yummy pork chops and some bbq chicken legs and I made macaroni salad. The kids played and decided to go play on the new construction dirt outside. SIL and I went for a walk after dinner, leaving the boys (our husbands) to babysit the kids. When we got back, the kids were a muddy mess and had to change their clothes before touching anything in my house. Then the neighbors we had dinner with Friday night came over and we all chatted for a while. They didn't leave until 11:00. I can't believe we kept the kids up that late. At least it's not an every day thing.
- We had to give the Little Guy back to his mom early on Sunday because she wanted to take him camping. We had been invited to a cookout and crab feast at a friend's house so we headed there. It was really hot outside but we couldn't tell. Their yard is right on the river bank and shaded by 3 big trees. It was perfect...warm with a breeze. We saw quite a few people from our old neighborhood and it was really good to get caught up with everyone and hear all the good (and not so good) gossip. After we left there and since it was early, we decided to hang out with the bottom of the hill neighbors for a little while. I think we were just avoiding going home because the Little Guy wasn't there. We didn't get home until 12:00 midnight. A very long day indeed.
- Needless to say, we vegged on Monday. It was so nice to just sit home. We didn't drive anywhere. We even ate all 3 meals at home. :-) It was so sunny that I decided to lather up with some sunscreen and lay out on the deck for a little while. BJ took his shirt off and sat in a chair and we listened to the birds and the radio and just chilled out. It was great. We needed that day after the busy weekend we had.
I'm on CD17 today. FF has yet to tell me if/when I ovulated. I had a high temp on CD9 for some reason and I think it threw my whole chart off. However, this morning I had a pre-ovulation temp of 97.9. I'm pretty sure I felt ovary pinching on Monday, which is good because we did some BD'ing Sunday night. But Monday was CD14 and that's a little late for me. So once again I have no idea what my body is doing. We BD'd on CD8, 10, 13 and 16....I'm hoping we covered our bases. I actually saw a tiny bit of ewcm on CD13 so I'm wondering if I did, indeed, ovulate on Monday? I'm going to wait to see what my temp is tomorrow morning before I manually override my chart info on what I felt. I will definitely be ordering my opk's in the next few days. I can't keep guessing about when I ovulate. This baby makin' stuff is enough to drive a woman insane.
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