Remembering My Roots

I received an e-mail from a woman who is embarking upon DE for the first time.  She was looking for some help in dealing with the process as she is, very understandably, overwhelmed by the whole thing.

I was happy to respond to her and to try and offer some advice and maybe point out some things that she hadn’t thought of yet.  In doing so, it reminded me of my feelings when we first started down this path.  I must say, things have definitely changed.  And maybe not for the better in some regards.  I will try to explain this as best I can without rambling too much.  Ha ha!

BJ and I decided that we would definitely tell the child about needing an egg donor to make his/her life possible.  This decision was made before I became pregnant.  It seemed very easy…no secrets, no regrets and no shame.  When we started telling people about the pregnancy I made my own decision that I didn’t care if people knew that we did IVF but that the DE portion of it was to remain just with us until the child was older and wanted to tell his/her own story of creation.  BJ had other ideas.  He doesn’t want people to know that we did IVF.  I’ve been asked outright 3 times (aside from BJ’s sister) if we went through IVF.  I told one person the truth but the other 2 I had to lie to because I didn’t want BJ to get mad.  He made his wishes known and I respect them but it has been a bit awkward at times.  Not a huge deal but it might come back to bite me in the ass down the road.  Although, the 2 people that I lied to will most likely not be regular people in our child’s life once the child knows the truth so I guess it’s fine.  This was just something that we should have discussed a bit more thoroughly before it happened.  Lesson learned.

Another lesson I have learned is that it’s very easy to forget that this is a DE child.  Yes, this is my baby and I’m the mother.  There have been times, though, that I have forgotten that I’m not the genetic mother of this child.  And when I remember that, I get scared.  I get scared to tell the child about its origins.  I’m not ashamed of what we have done.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I’m proud of how hard we have fought and the sacrifices we have made to get here.  Infertility is one of the hardest things a couple can endure…emotionally, financially, even intellectually.  I’m just scared that the child will feel differently about how he/she came to be.  I know that our attitude toward DE will greatly influence how the child feels so that is something I will need to remember going forward.  I won’t lie though,  I wish I didn’t have to tell.  I wish that I could continue to live in this blissful world of “normalcy” that I have created for myself.  I never forget that we went through treatments and spent gobs of money and are in debt to my 401k for the next 5 years…those things are easy to remember.  The fact that I’m not the genetic mother is something that I let go of sometimes.  It feels wrong to forget such an important fact but I’m just so happy to be pregnant with this little precious life that I think I let go of some of the pain that IF has inflicted upon me for so many years.  Maybe it’s something like child birth.  Many mothers have said that they forget just how painful it is to be in labor and push that baby out as soon as said baby is in their arms.  I will never forget the pain of IF but I will say that being pregnant eases the memories of the pain.  Does that make sense?  IF will always be with me and it will always be a part of who I am.  This happiness that I feel now pushes the pain from the past to the back burner, thus helping me to forget that this is a DE child.

Forgetting is good in a way because I think it has helped me bond much more with this pregnancy than I was expecting to.  I’ve read some stories where women sort of freak out because they feel like they have an “alien” child growing inside of them.  Forgetting is bad because it makes me not want to tell the child.  I will, of course, but as of right now I don’t really want to.  In my opinion, the consequences of not telling are just too great.  I’m hoping that when the time comes I will be more ready.  Right now I just want to protect and nurture this little life to the best of my abilities.  And I just want to be “normal” and happy.  And if that means from time to time I forget where that egg came from, then so be it.

One Year Ago - Part 1

One year ago today I peed on a stick and saw a beautiful 2nd pink line staring back at me. I just knew that cycle would work. I was calm and collected, for the most part, through the whole thing. I couldn’t have been happier. I was giddy, I was dreamy eyed, I was hopeful. I was also a little scared. I had never seen 2 lines before. Not once in 10 years. I remember climbing back into bed and showing BJ the test and explaining what the 2nd line meant. He was my negative nelly. He said he’d believe it more when the doctor told us it was true. Deep down he knew we were pregnant but I think he was afraid, too. He was mostly afraid for me. He told his sister that he’d never seen me like that...as in floating on air and blissful. Not that I spent my days walking around bitter and resentful and sad and gloomy all the time, but he definitely noticed the spring in my step. He wanted it to be true for me more than for himself, I think. He didn’t want me to get hurt. He liked the sparkle in my eyes.


May 1, 2011 marks the day my life was changed forever because I finally experienced what it felt like to be a Mother. I thought about nursery decorations and how we’d tell special people and when we’d tell them. I thought about finally being able to use the name(s) I picked out so long ago. I worried that everything was ok in my uterus. I had actual symptoms of the pregnancy and not just phantom symptoms that were brought on the extra progesterone and estrogen. I couldn’t eat tomatoes for crying out loud and I was only 4 weeks (2 weeks gestational) along. It was an amazing feeling to know that we had finally succeeded. I was finally pregnant and I was going to be a Mother. The joys I felt cannot be put into words. It was also a relief. We had finally spent our money on something good and not just thrown it out the window. No more trying, no more needles, no more monitoring. Our last ditch effort paid off. I was on top of the world one year ago today.

May 1, 2012 could not be more different. I received an e-mail from my nurse earlier with the good news that our donor will be triggering tonight and retrieval is set for Thursday morning. BJ has to be there with his sample at 10:30 so my guess is that retrieval will be an hour or so after that. That is how it usually worked for us before. Her E2 level is 3986. She has 46 follicles (holy crap!) with 18 of them being measurable between 15mm and 20mm. She must be so uncomfortable right now. I’m hoping that we get at least 12 mature eggs but my guess is that we’ll get around 14 or 15, which is still awesome and plenty to go around. I hope she doesn’t suffer from OHSS. I would feel horrible. My nurse said that the donor has to come back in tomorrow to make sure she did the trigger shot correctly (gulp...that’s scary) and if she did then we are all set. Transfer will either be on 5/6 (day 3) or 5/8 (day 5). There is a small chance that it could be pushed to 5/9 depending on how everything develops. I am to continue my Delestrogen every 3 days and if the donor does the trigger correctly, I will begin my PIO shots tomorrow night. Wow. It’s really here (well, almost). Just a couple of more hurdles until an embryo will again be placed in my uterus. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m a bit scared. I’m giddy. I’m dreamy eyed.

I guess today is not really different than one year ago, is it? The feelings are actually pretty similar. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I cannot thank you all enough for being with me on this journey. I have made some pretty good connections and received some great advice and wonderful support. I do not know where my emotions would be if I didn’t have y’all to vent and cry to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following along. It means the world to me that there are perfect strangers out there willing to help and encourage and cheer me on. I hope that things continue to move forward and that this cycle works and that I get to share a pregnancy journey with you.

Monitoring Updates

As I mentioned in a previous post, my nurse called me Friday afternoon to tell me that our donor would be starting stims on Saturday and would be coming in for her first monitoring appointment on Tuesday. She told me that she’d call me with the details.


As Tuesday afternoon arrived I started carrying my cell phone with me everywhere so as to not miss the call. And I do mean everywhere. I don’t put it in my pocket because I’d never feel it vibrate so I carry it in my hand. People must think I’m addicted to my phone. In a way, I guess I am.

I got busy at work and the call never came. I started to wonder if something was wrong. Did she not show up? Is she not responding? All sorts of scary thoughts were running through my head. As I was getting in bed, BJ told me that if something were wrong I would have received a phone call. It still did not sit well with me.

As soon as I got to work Wednesday, I e-mailed my nurse asking if everything was ok. She responded shortly with this message:

Hi TeeJay,


She was out of town yesterday (something I knew in advance) she will be in today. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you that. Nothing to worry about. I’ll update you this afternoon.


Thanks,
Nurse

Now tell me this...why would she tell me on Friday that the donor would be in on Tuesday if she knew the donor would be out of town? Ugh. Sometimes I wonder about my nurse. Ok, she was out of town, hopefully she remembered to take her meds with her. She’s 22 and I worry about her responsibility level. Her future children are not riding on her taking those shots like clockwork. I’m trying to have faith.

Wednesday afternoon I began carrying my phone around with me again as I awaited the phone call. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The afternoon became very busy at work because I needed to leave early to get to the LG’s baseball game. As I was getting on the bus at 4:00 I checked my personal e-mail. My nurse sent me an e-mail 2 hours prior!! So much for a phone call. I will know now to just let the phone sit and check my e-mail in the afternoon.

The good news? She has 26 follicles. They are small right now but that is ok. She goes back in tomorrow for another check. I’m hoping for some good growth at that scan. I’m also going to ask what her E2 is to give me a better idea of the condition of the eggs in those follicles. I was very excited to get that update. Tomorrow will be 7 days on stims so I think there should be some good growth by this point. It’s hard to believe that retrieval will be next week! I get butterflies just thinking about it.

The other good news? I went in for my last lining check (hopefully forever) and I’m at 9.5mm. The tech said that at this point they like to see it above 8 so I’m doing good! One of the cysts is gone and the other is really tiny so she said it’s trying to go away, too. All good news!

Things are going along so nicely...I’m nervous. I have no reason to doubt anything right now but of course the negative nelly in me is trying to come out and ruin my mood. I think it’s because there are so many intricate parts to this donor cycle than in a regular IVF. I mean, the donor has to do her thing and us 3 recipients have to do our thing and everything has to come together like the perfect storm right up to retrieval. There are so many things that could go wrong. For the most part, I’m staying positive and concentrating on the fact that we will be making a baby next week and that I will be pupo early the following week (at the latest hopefully). How crazy is that to think about? I never thought I’d be pupo again and here it is just around the corner. Wow. I’m going to do my best to keep the negative thoughts at bay because there’s so much to be hopeful for, right? I’ve been looking over the calendar and thinking about how far along I should be at certain times because we have some plans this summer...crazy to be doing that but I can’t seem to help it. See, I’m hopeful...maybe too hopeful? I want to stay positive because I think it’s the best thing for my mindset right now. Plus, I was very positive and calm last year and I really think it helped my little emby try to stick around. So I want to keep my mood even and calm this time around and hopefully we’ll get better results.

I’ll update tomorrow afternoon once I hear from my nurse...fingers crossed for good sized follies and a matching E2 number.

PS – how about my Capitals?!?! They really pulled out a great overtime win last night against Boston! I DVR’d the game and watched the whole thing after we got home from the LG’s baseball game. So exciting to win a game 7 in overtime but I really wish they would have just wrapped it up in 6. I get so nervous watching them play. Yay for making it to the second round!! Could this really be our year??

True Understanding

About a month ago my step-mom sent me a box of old pictures. She had been going through their pictures and my grandmother’s pictures and decided that she wanted to send me some so that I can have them and do with them what I want. She knows about my love of scrapping and thought I might want to make something out of them.


In the box were pictures of my grandparents when they were still married, my dad and aunt when they were little, my grandmother as a young woman...I love these old pictures. There were pictures of me when I was probably 3 or 4 that I had never seen before. I had no idea that I went ice skating with my aunt and grandmother, however, the pictures don’t lie. There were also plenty of pictures of events that I do remember from when I was very little. I showed BJ and the LG many of these pictures and of course so many of them garnered laughs and sneers at my hair and clothes. Rightfully so, I might add. And then I came upon two pictures that made me stop and think about what I am giving up using donor eggs to have a child.

The first picture was a picture of my dad when he was maybe 4 or 5. It was black and white and he was smiling. The next picture I looked at was a picture of me when I was about 3 or 4. I looked exactly like my dad except with different hair. I covered up the hair on both pictures and showed it to BJ. He agreed that we looked alike and went about watching TV. He had no idea the feelings that this sparked in me. Not feelings of regret, not at all. I’m 100% sure that I’m doing the right thing and I feel so hopeful that we will have a child of our own. These were feelings of grief for realizing exactly what my body has failed to do. My body has failed my future child of being able to look back at old pictures and say things like, “mom, I look just like you!” It was such a great feeling to see how much I looked like my dad. Especially since I am now the spitting image of my mother. I know that the child will be genetically linked to BJ so I’m sure there will be resemblances there. And I know that I must sound very vain and ungrateful for this opportunity to make my dreams come true...trust me, I’m not. I’m not vain nor am I ungrateful. I can’t wait to get started with this cycle and I am hoping with everything I have that this works for us. I want to be pregnant again and I want to bring a baby into our home. I want to be a mother. I’m more than ready to be a mother.

I want to be honest here and I want to let people know that this is not easy. Choosing to use donor eggs was just as big of a decision for us as adoption is for other couples. It’s hard to give up on one’s own body. There’s a grieving process to go through. I first had to grieve the loss of my pregnancy and then I had to grieve the loss of being able to try again. Now I’m grieving a different kind of loss, the loss of a genetic family link. I’m not sad about the child not having my eyes or my hair color. Those things don’t mean anything to me. I’m sad that I’m the last in our family line and I can’t carry our heritage on. I’m actually glad that I won’t be passing certain aspects of my physical appearance on. I don’t know if I’m putting this into words well enough. Looking at those old pictures was an emotional high for me. I realized that my child might not have those same feelings and that made me sad. I hope that BJ’s genes come through nice and strong so that our child can have those feelings when he/she sees him/herself in BJ’s childhood photos.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself with believing that we will have a child but I’m so hopeful. As soon as I received those dates yesterday I figured out a due date...probably not the healthiest thing to do but I did it. I want this to work so badly I can taste it. That does not mean that this process is without challenges, though. Donor eggs are not an easy decision, not a quick fix. It’s just as much of a roller coaster ride as other infertility treatments. We are just at the beginning of our ride. I know there is much more to come but I’m ready to face it head on. I fully understand what I have given up and I’m ok with it. There’s more to life and family than who we look like. Those old photos sparked a new understanding in me and in this process. It made me sad but not for myself, for my future child. It means that I am going to have to work extra hard to let him/her know that it doesn’t matter if we look alike, what matters is that we are a family. Family is forever.

Living Vicariously

Back in the day...many, many years ago when I first started TTC, I couldn’t get enough of all things “baby”. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Stories, Maternity Ward, I read pregnancy journals online (the very first blogs!), I joined TTC message boards, I browsed the baby section in stores, I searched the web constantly for nursery ideas...I was all consumed. It was fun. I was full of hopes and dreams and I was sure I would get pregnant the very next cycle. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t wait to start my own pregnancy journal and was just so excited to experience all of what those women were going through. And then the years dragged on. My (then) SIL started popping out kids like a Pez dispenser, my sister got knocked up accidentally and my brother’s girlfriend did the same. Ladies at work were having kids. Life was passing me by. My marriage fell apart and no sooner did the ex hook up with someone, she got knocked up. It seemed hopeless to say the least.


For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.

Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*

I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.

This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.

So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.

Fear, Foreshadowing or Forget About It?

I dream a lot. I remember a lot about my dreams. Often times a dream will stay with me for hours after I wake up. BJ wonders how I can remember the details that I do because he barely remembers anything from his dreams. Some of my dreams are very scary while others are just strange and still more are pretty mundane. There have been plenty of instances over the years that I have been TTC that I’ve had dreams about being pregnant, giving birth or getting a positive pee stick. The one where I gave birth was probably my most vivid dream during this journey, until last night. My last IVF cycle yielded a dream about a positive pee stick and lo and behold it happened almost exactly like the dream.

As some of you may remember, I have had my issues and concerns with my Faith and TTC and seeking treatments for IF. I’ve struggled with coming to terms with what might be God’s plan and what choices I make of my own free will. I’ve always felt that I was meant to be a mother one day and so I kept pressing forward because I figured that God would not want me to give up just because the road was hard. With our last IVF I really felt that it was going to work and that I was going to succeed and that God had just wanted me to try a little harder to achieve my heart’s desire. I was right, it worked...and then it was gone. I sort of felt like I was not so much being punished for my choice to pursue further treatments but suffering the consequences of doing so. I felt like maybe God never intended for me to carry a child and so He let me learn a lesson, so to speak, for going against His wishes. It was a tough time for me and my Faith to say the least. We are now trying again with donor eggs. I feel that maybe this time, with further financial and material sacrifice (along with genetic sacrifice) that God will let this happen. I feel that He will see how much I’m willing to give up in order to become a mother and He will answer my prayers with a child. Or will He? I guess that is still up for debate. However, my dream last night has got me thinking...what if I have to suffer another “consequence” for pushing too hard? What will my consequence be this time for going against God’s ultimate plan, if that’s what we’re doing? I don’t feel like I’m going against Him. I feel like I have this opportunity for a true flesh and blood miracle and I’m embracing it with every fiber of my being so how can that be wrong? I hope the dream I had was not a foreshadowing of tragedies to come. I’m hoping that it was just my own fears taking over my mind. Or maybe it means absolutely nothing at all...here is what I dreamed:

I was pregnant at work. I had a belly so I was far enough along to show. I remember rubbing my stomach and smiling and just feeling happy. Then, it felt like something was wrong. I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I started to panic. I went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of bright red blood in my underwear. Then when I looked between my legs I saw my baby’s head starting to come out. I panicked even more and gently pushed the head back up. I then walked very slowly and carefully back to my desk. I told someone what was happening and I remember telling them that it’s just too early. I remember freaking out that I couldn’t figure out how far along I was. I was searching my calendar trying to determine what week I was in. As I was doing this, I remember shouting in my head “please let my baby be ok...please let him just be a little early and ok...please don’t let him suffer any side effects from being so premature”, I just kept repeating this over and over. I was looking at the calendar and was confused as to whether I was in my “teen” weeks or late in my “twenties”. I knew that if I was late in my twenties that he’d most likely be ok but just small and underweight. And then I thought about what it would mean if I were in my “teen” weeks....the dread than ran through me cannot even be put into words. And then I woke up. I was so glad to wake up. I didn’t want that dream to continue on for one second more.

Another thought....maybe I’m still feeling so badly for my friend Mo and her recent loss that my mind is just preoccupied with tragedy. I don’t know. I just know that I hope it was not a glimpse of the future. I wish to never feel that way again.

And in case anyone is wondering, I have not gotten a call from my coordinator yet. She told me I’d hear from her by the end of the week and it’s now Monday. I guess I need to send an e-mail and then follow up with a phone call of my own. She should know something by now don’t you think?

Nature or Nurture?

It’s the age old question...does nature determine who we are or are we nurtured into a certain mold?


I don’t know why there has to be debate about it. The answer is obvious...it’s both. I am a perfect example of both nature and nurture playing a role in who I am as a person.

I was raised by my dad and step-mom. I rarely saw my mother as I was growing up. My dad had me play sports to help “keep me out of trouble”. I learned to love baseball and volleyball from an early age. My dad was a pitcher and so he thought I would make a good pitcher, too. As it turns out, I was a pretty decent pitcher. I preferred to wear jeans and t-shirts for the most part growing up. I liked to wear baseball hats and hang out with the guys. I didn’t meld well with other girls. There were times that I wore a dress here and there but if I wanted to dress it up a little I’d wear a skirt with tennis shoes.  When I became a ‘tween and a teenager I of course began doing my hair and wearing make-up. However, I was still a major tomboy. My step-mother was not happy about all of this. She really wanted me to wear dresses and be more girly and help more in the kitchen and with cleaning and stuff like that. I was very resistant to all of those things. I wanted to play video games or watch Monday Night Football.

Now that I’m an adult I see all the ways I’m like my dad. It’s true that we turn into our parents. I’m much more patient with the LG than my dad was with us kids. But for the most part, I am my father’s daughter. We are both stubborn and unrelenting. We don’t know how to give up. We are reserved and in control. We have a very strong work ethic. We believe that honesty is the best policy and we think that being lied to is one of the worst offenses one can commit against us.

On the flip side of that, there are so many ways that I am like my mother. She was more of a tomboy growing up than I was. I have low self-esteem, which is just like her. I have a jealous bone the size of Texas, also just like her. I have a way of holding in my anger and being passive aggressive instead of creating a true conflict that will clear the air. I like to walk with very heavy feet when I’m aggravated (also seen as stomping to most people). I tend to shut down emotionally in tragic situations and just sort of float through them. Once by myself, I let those emotions all out and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I love football and that is a love that my mom and I share. We both love Disney movies and can watch them over and over. We both love the music of the 60’s. We both love to dance and cut loose on the dance floor and act silly around our friends.

My siblings were raised by my mother and let me tell you....we are extremely different. We don’t really have much in common when it comes to core values and ethics. I disagree with a lot of what goes on in their lives but I know that it’s because they were raised very differently from me. It’s hard for me to connect to them now that we are grown because we are so different even though we have the same mother. The things that I seem to have in common with my mother are not really shared between my siblings and me. It’s strange, really.

What I’m getting at is that I know that my child (please, oh please let this work) will have parts of his/her personality that are genetically linked to the donor but I also know that I will have a really big influence on who the child becomes just by raising him/her. I’ve seen how the home environment can shape who a person becomes. This is evidenced by my siblings and me. I’ve seen how genetics can play a role as evidenced by all the ways I’m like my mother. This baby (please, oh please let there be a baby!) will no doubt have traits from the donor but I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that because this will be my child and hopefully I can teach him/her how to love football and hockey and baseball and how lying is bad and honesty and trust are good. I’m going to teach him/her right from wrong and how to be kind to people and how to help people in need and always think of others before him/herself. I’m going to tell him/her how important a good work ethic is to really make him/herself stand out in a crowd and how working hard for what you want is so rewarding.

I really believe that BJ and I will produce a wonderful human, even if the egg is not my own. He produced a really good kid with his ex, right? I’m so ready for this...

Two side notes...I’m going crazy waiting for my coordinator to call me and tell me where the other ladies are in their cycles. She said she’d get back to me by the end of the week but how long does it take to make 3 phone calls? I know, I know...I’m not her only patient. Other side note...BJ was watching a commercial on TV last night and I’m not sure what it was a commercial for but it showed those little decals on the back of vehicles that depict the family within the vehicle...you know the ones...the ones we IF’s would like to scrape off because we feel like they are bragging about their abundance of fertility. Anyway, BJ said that he was going to get one if we have a baby. I told him that it had to include the cats and he said that he’d make sure to have 2 cats, the baby, the LG and us. I know how much I hate those decals but I must admit that the thought of being able to have one is quite appealing. Maybe if I put a little asterisk by the baby that says something like *I suffered for over 10 years to be able to put this on my car...please don’t hate me! What do you think? It’s still bragging, isn’t it?

Holy Completed Match, Batman!

I posted on Friday morning that we had chosen our donor Thursday afternoon. I ran to a couple of meetings and was having a pretty busy day overall. When I checked my e-mail at around Noon, I had a message from my coordinator that our match was COMPLETE! Wow! I hadn’t even had time to call my financial coordinator to put our deposit down. I called BJ immediately and told him the news. I was in shock at how fast another person snatched up our donor. I’m so glad we pulled the trigger when we did. I was on the phone as soon as I hung up with BJ to get the financial side straight and to figure out our next steps.


I read the e-mail a couple of times before I noticed a very important piece of information. We are the primary recipients for this donor!! Do you know what that means? That means that I am not 2nd in line as I thought since we picked her 2nd. It also means that we are not 3rd in line with a much higher risk of getting cancelled off the cycle due to an unexpectedly low amount of good quality embryos. When I had my initial financial consult I asked how it worked if there weren’t enough to go around and was told that people are put in line and that there is a 20-22% chance that the 3rd person in line could end up with nothing to transfer. I was told that your place in line was determined by what procedures you had already been though. Basically, if you have tried everything you would be placed higher than someone that has maybe only failed one IVF. This didn’t really click with me until I read it in the confirmation e-mail on Friday. I guess there has to be a way to determine this but it all seems so strange...to determine who is more worthy by what they have suffered through...glad I don’t have to make those choices. I was so worried that I would be third in line...it’s how things usually go with me. Not this time!!

I was advised to call my nurse when my period started. Wouldn’t you know that I was already taking my “reminder” pills in my pack? My period showed up yesterday! I called my nurse this morning and she is going to touch base with the other recipients and the donor this week to figure out where everyone is in their cycles and she said she’d get back to me by the end of the week. She was just as surprised at how fast this all came together as I am.

On a side note...this is a conversation that BJ and I had Saturday morning:

BJ – I forgot to tell you that “LG” saw your vitamins. (My prenatals are in the pantry because they came in a huge box and I have nowhere else to put them. I had them hidden behind a can of soup but I guess it got moved.)
Me – eyes bulge out of head
BJ – he asked me what these pregnancy things were for...Is TeeJay pregnant? I told him no but that he knows that we’re still trying.
Me – jaw hits the floor
BJ – then he says to me, “You know, I like being the only kid”.
Me – heart sinking
BJ – I told him that it probably won’t be like that and he shrugged and said “yeah, I know”.

Ouch. I’ve always wondered how he would feel about me having a baby. He’s very good with little kids but he’s never had to share any of his parents with another child. He’s a really good boy, but he’s also pretty self-centered and spoiled. It’s not his fault...he’s the only child and he’s the step-child of an IF. Of course he gets doted on and spoiled and gets all the attention. I just hope that if we get to bring a baby home that he won’t resent it in any way. He will have to be informed that we are not getting the pool he wants so badly because of (hopefully) a baby on the way. I’m sure that won’t go over very well, either. I know he will love the baby but I still have the fear of the resentment factor. I’m sure all parents think about that when they are trying to have another child. I’m hoping that the huge age gap will not make things worse. I think toddlers and younger children adapt better to babies than older kids. I don’t know, maybe that’s not the case at all. I sure hope we get to find out, though. I can’t wait to take pictures of the two of them together and hear the LG talk about his brother or sister to other people. I hope we get to live that life. Fingers crossed.

Donor Chosen

I did it. I made the final selection of our donor yesterday. I have been thinking about it almost non-stop. I’ve visited the database several times a day to check on her. BJ and I talked a little about it Wednesday night while the LG was in the shower. He said he was fine with her. I told him that I needed another day. I had some things I needed to work out and I wanted to make sure no one “better” came along. Ugh, that sounds terrible.


I’m going to lay a lot out here right now and some of it might sound shallow and just plain ridiculous, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out. I have to put these thoughts on paper to better help me deal with them. Maybe what I’m feeling is not so strange. Maybe there are others that feel this way too and maybe by putting it out there I can help someone deal with their own feelings.

I have a lot of insecurities about myself. I have very low self-esteem. Fighting IF has not helped those feelings diminish. In fact, as many of you know, IF can really put a woman in a bad place. Knowing that my husband is having another child with another woman (yes, he’s really having it with me...like I said, some of these thoughts are ridiculous) is hard to handle. She’s a very cute 21 year old and I can’t help but wonder what my husband thought when he looked at her pictures. She was/is a cheerleader and one of her pictures is her in her cheer outfit. I have these horrible thoughts of my husband fantasizing about her. How sick is that? There’s no worse feeling for me than to feel inferior to another woman. I have always felt like I just wasn’t good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not enough boobs, not tall enough...the list goes on and on. I hate that I have these insecurities but they are a part of my life and I don’t see them disappearing any time soon. I find it crazy that I was sitting on the couch next to my husband looking at pictures of these cute young girls trying to figure out who will be the right fit for me, for us. It’s so, so, so....I don’t know. It was so strange to ask him if he thought she was pretty...I didn’t want an answer but at the same time I wanted him to say something like, “sure, but not as pretty as you.” That didn’t happen. He just said, “Yeah”. That is a fine answer...and it keeps him out of trouble. So all this searching (all 9 profiles) brought up a lot of physical insecurities I have about myself. I know it’s crazy but I really hate the way I look right now after looking at these pretty young girls with lots of eggs and great functioning ovaries. One thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other and yet I have equated them. Nice going, TeeJay.

Some other struggles I had with this donor was that she is a cheerleader and likes to do hair and went to cosmetology school. She is only 21 so I don’t know what I was expecting but I can tell you that I was hoping for a little more. Granted, when I was 10 I wanted to be a beautician. I outgrew that by high school. Those are not very good aspirations in my book. Again, she’s only 21. When I was in school I did not like cheerleaders. They were very peppy, very pretty, very skinny, and very popular and made me feel like crap about myself. Most of them thought they were better than everyone else and pranced around as such. Boys fawned all over them and pretty much ignored me. Here we go with the low self-esteem again. The cheerleaders were very girly, which I am not. Yes, I recognize that this is a horrible generalization on my part but it was my life in high school. I really wasn’t sure this donor was right for us with all of my pre-conceived notions of her personality.

Then I started to think about the positives. She has the cleanest medical history. Her family has the cleanest medical history. Her physical traits are what I was looking for (the only criteria we entered was our skin color). She is short, blondish, green eyes (I thought blue but I was mistaken) and a nice smile. She has regular periods, states she’s never done a drug or smoked and doesn’t even drink. I am also pretty straight laced. I rarely drink and when I do I’m a light weight for sure. I’ve never smoked or done any drugs. She looks and sounds like the all-American girl. The fact that she is adopted also struck a chord with me. I started to think about that aspect of her life. If someone is adopted and willing to help another family have a child that they are not 100% genetically linked to seems to speak volumes. I started to wonder about the whole adoption thing. She stated that she knows the genetic history of her biological family so I was curious how that came about...was it an open adoption? Did she find her bio-parents when she turned 18 (or before)? I felt like I needed to know that answer for some reason. I hoped that there was a way of finding that out. Nothing really revealing was in her personal essay, either. The only thing that stuck with me was that she wanted to build her hair clientele so that she can make people feel good about themselves. The more I thought about that statement the more I realized that she seems like a very sweet girl. Being a stylist is really about making women (and men) feel beautiful and helping them to love the way they look...something I have struggled with my whole life. Wanting people to love the way they look and build their self -esteem is not a bad trait to have at all. Epiphany reached.

All of these crazy thoughts were whirling around my head and then all of a sudden the pieces just came together. There was no reason not to pick this donor. I talked with BJ again at lunch and told him that when I got back to my desk I was going to select her as long as he was still positive he was fine with her. He reiterated that he was fine with her. Then the nerves set in. I couldn’t eat my lunch. I got back to my desk and was afraid she’d be gone from the list and almost had a panic attack logging into the website. She was there and so I selected her. There was a place for me to ask questions and so I asked about the circumstances of the adoption. My coordinator contacted the donor right away and the answer is that her step-mother adopted her as a child and that she sees her biological mother all the time. Mystery solved.

My coordinator e-mailed me my confirmation with some additional follow up steps and a copy of the profile. BJ and I were talking about the donor’s adoption and I told him the story. We figure that her bio-mother must have signed over her parental rights in order for her step-mother to be able to adopt her. We wonder about the circumstances of how that transpired all those years ago. The conclusion we came to is that if she was adopted by her step-mother and still has a seemingly decent relationship with her bio-mother...she probably had a very unique upbringing and even though the money is good for donors she is still willing to give that very important cell away to 3 other women so that we may have children of our own (hopefully). She seems like the perfect choice. Anyone that can grow up in that kind of situation and still want to help others build a family in an “unconventional” way can’t be bad in my book.

And now we wait. There are 2 of us waiting and we have a 30 day window of time for the 3rd recipient to choose the donor. If that doesn’t happen, we move forward at that time. Thank you all for your encouraging words and advice. I feel good about this...even though I’m still a bit nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I think we made the right choice and I can’t wait to get started.

The Big Day

The big day is not my wedding day or anything like that...it’s the day I will sit down with my doctor and discuss using donor eggs to expand our family. It’s either going to be a very GOOD big day or a very BAD big day. I’m so nervous. I don’t have a good feeling. The last time I sat down with him he told me that I was not eligible for the shared risk IVF. He knew then that I had bad eggs but didn’t tell me. I was too great a risk for them to take. So I sucked it up and took one last shot at IVF. I knew it would work and it did. It just didn’t last. I’m so rattled right now and I think that it’s because there is so much riding on this.


I would think that I’m the perfect candidate for donor eggs and that there should be no reason for them to deny us the shared risk program. He has always told me how great and beautiful my uterus is. He has never mentioned any strange blood disorders or immune issues...but maybe they never tested for them. I just have a feeling that I’m going to be disappointed after tomorrow’s appointment.

I don’t even know what the appointment will entail. I’m hoping to get hooked up with a donor coordinator tomorrow and get a password and start looking. I know there’s going to be lots of papers to fill out and legal jargon to sift through. I hope that we can start the process right away. BJ is so wonderful, he took the day off in case we need to sit there for a while. He said he’d rather do that than keep watching the clock and getting impatient knowing that he has things to do. I hope we are sitting there for a while. I want to start getting everything in order. I imagine there will be blood work and probably another SA (he’ll be thrilled). I plan on putting in the paperwork for my 401k loan as soon as we get the all clear from the financial lady that we can do the shared risk program. Hopefully we are allowed to enter that program.

I can’t tell you ladies how much it means to me to have you rooting for us and cheering us on and supporting us. I need ALL of it right now. I feel like I could throw up with anticipation. In less than 24 hours I will know what path we are on....heading toward another shot (or 6) or hitting a steel barrier.

In other news....I will not be one of those lucky ladies to post on here about a surprise BFP just as we make the decision for DE. Yesterday was CD1. Meaning that tomorrow would be a really good time for some blood work and for starting BCP’s in preparation. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

We painted the office Saturday. This reminds me that I have totally abandoned posting pictures of our house and the few changes we have made since we moved in. I’ll have to get back to that. As we were painting and doubting our ability and criticizing every little mistake we made, I told BJ that hopefully it was a practice run in case we get to paint a nursery. It seems crazy to think that it might happen...but it might, right? *sigh*

I’m just a worrier at heart, I guess. I was so pumped up the last time I went in there for an appointment and I guess I don’t want to do that to myself again. I probably will not update until Wednesday because if by chance I come to work I will be arriving late and playing catch up all day and if I don’t come in then I will be hanging with BJ for the day.

It’s go time.

Research

I am spending way too much time on the internet scouring blogs and forums looking for information on donor egg cycles. Thanks to my friend Pie I now know that I will be taking regular Lupron and not Depot Lupron. I also did more reading on that and it seems that is the norm. I’m not sure why I’ve read that a woman is taking DL prepping for a transfer when it seems most people just take regular Lupron. That’s a good thing because regular Lupron is covered by my insurance. Score 1 for me.


I’ve found out that the length of time from when a donor is chosen to when she has her ER can be anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks...yikes. I know it takes time to synch cycles and what not but geez, it’s still all about the waiting game isn’t it? Plus, we are sharing our donor so it might even be a longer wait.

I’ve learned that BJ and I will probably have to have psych exams to make sure we are ready for this and that we understand what this means. Like I’ve said before, I think I’m mentally ready for this. I don’t long for a biological attachment as much as I long to be pregnant and nurture a growing baby with my body. I know that there won’t be any less love in our house. My only concern comes from telling the child. Doing it gently at a young age sounds good but what happens when my fear takes over? The fear that the child will want to know its “real” mother eventually. I’m sure these are some of the things that the donor counselor will explore with us.

I read a post about a woman that has “unusual” hair (whatever that means). She said she shares that hair with her father or grandfather or something like that. She had twins via donor egg and she said that one of her children has begun to show signs of this “unusual” hair. It is believed that it is a blood-borne issue. How cool is that? To know that there might actually be some genetic link after all is amazing to me.

I keep trying to think up questions to ask the Almighty Goo.gle because I can’t get all of this out of my head. I get butterflies thinking about the possibilities. I want to talk about it all the time but that is not possible...so I come here to write and I bring it up with BJ every once in a while. He brings it up with me, too. We have a lot short conversations that begin with “if you/we have a baby....”. It’s fun. It’s scary. It’s like I’ve been thrust backward to the very first days of TTC. In those days, I was checking out nurseries and baby products and stuff like that online. Today, I’m looking for information on donor egg cycles. It’s not the same but it feels very similar inside. I want to submerge myself in all things baby/donor egg. I’m glad our appointment is next week(!!!) so we can (hopefully) begin the process of bringing home a baby. Just the thought of that makes my heart skip a beat.

The Road Ahead

I’m on CD25 right now. My last cycle was 25 days, a little short for me but not too strange. I continuously have 25-27 day cycles and a 15-16 day luteal phase. According to my FF chart and my ovulation pain, I’m 13DPO today. Most likely, AF will be here Saturday or Sunday. Our appointment is Tuesday. That would probably be CD 3 or 4. How cool would it be if I could get on suppression drugs right now and jump right in instead of having to wait? We don’t have to give them any money until we reserve a donor and pulling a check from my 401k only takes a few days...I could have it ready and waiting. I know it will probably not work like that but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.


My lovely bloggy buddy, Mo, over at Mommy Odyssey shared a link with me today to another blog that brought tears to my eyes. It doesn’t take much these days since I’m hormonal due to the impending arrival of AF, but still, it was very moving. If you or anyone you know is struggling with how to share the news of donor egg conception with their child, this is a great way.

http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/06/mommys-garden/

I’m hoping right along with all of you that this really will work for us. There are still so many variables that are unknown. Look how long it took us to find out that my eggs are crap. I feel pretty confident that this road will lead to a child but I’m trying not to count my chickens before they are hatched. Ha ha, pun intended...even though that’s pretty corny.

I’ve been thinking about what (if anything) to tell our families. Well, really just BJ’s family. I might have to bring my dad into this because we may need to borrow a tiny bit of the fee from him. I also just want to be up front with him about what we are going through. I will admit that I’m a little scared at his and my step-mom’s reaction. They don’t fully understand the science of donor conception (or IVF for that matter) and I hope they won’t have an issue with a child not being biologically related to them. I think they are pretty open minded and they definitely understand my desires so hopefully it will go over well. As far as BJ’s family goes, I’m thinking that we will only tell them that we did IVF again (if it works). I don’t think it will be a big deal but I don’t want anyone from his sister’s husband’s family to know. I would like to keep some things private and I think that’s ok. Plus, the child will be biologically related to BJ so it will still be a link in that family chain. My SIL is very sweet but she can be very insensitive (unknowingly) sometimes when it has come to my infertility. The last thing I want is for her to cringe at the idea of “another woman’s baby” being inside me or making some remark to that effect, you know? Not that she would, but you just never know. I have no idea what to tell the LG. I mean, he’s almost 11 so they will be learning all about eggs and sperm in school either this year or next year. And again, the child will be biologically related to him so it should be fine, right? I feel that he has a right to know as much as the child does...right?

As for the 3 non-family people (my old boss and 2 co-workers) that know of our loss from before I think I will tell them that we did IVF again, too. No harm in that.

I registered on a DE forum so that I could post some of my questions but then I chickened out and decided not to post anything. I need to make a list of questions to ask Dr. M next week because I know my mind will go blank when we get in there. One major question I have is about the medications I will be taking. Is the Lupron the same as in an IVF cycle? I know the dosage would be different and it wouldn’t be mixed with stimulants but I need to know if my insurance will cover it. They covered the Lupron for my IVFs so I’m hoping it’s the same medication...although I’ve hear people call it depot Lupron so I’m worried that it’s not the same. Do any of you know?

The road ahead is full of questions and unknowns, isn’t it? This process will be a whole new education for us, that is for sure. My husband actually asked me the craziest question the other night, and no, I’m not making this up...we were talking about his swimmers mixing with another woman’s eggs and I told him that he was cheating on me. Just joking around of course. And then he says, “That doesn’t happen internally, does it?” Oh my. I had to chuckle at that. I then explained that it happens in a dish, just like it did with our IVFs and that no, they do not put his sperm in another woman and then take out the fertilized egg. He trips me out sometimes. Hopefully you got a kick out of that, too.

Less than a week, people!!!

A Whirling Head

I first need to thank all of you for your supportive and uplifting comments on my last post. I haven’t heard from some of you in quite a while and it’s good to know you are still out there! :-) Now maybe you will update your own blogs...hint, hint. Just kidding. And I know that Blogger was/is being a pain with commenting as I have had my own issues so thank you to those that sent me e-mails, too!


If I thought deciding to do fertility treatments like IUI and IVF were a roller coaster ride, I had no idea what I was in for when we made the decision to try this donor egg procedure. Oh.my.gosh. I go from being totally excited and thinking about all the possibilities of getting pregnant again and turning my scrapping room into a nursery and all the other great thoughts that come along with TTC in general, to completely turning against myself and convincing myself that 1) they won’t let us do the shared risk plan and 2) it won’t work anyway so why are we even bothering to do this?

I’m a mess. I found a message board about donor egg and was very surprised at some of the stories of these women. I know that there is no “magic ticket” out there but I felt pretty confident that de must be the way to go and that after 6 fresh (and however many FET’s) cycles that we’d surely bring a baby home. That is not always the case and I was smacked with that reality when I found that message board. There are some women that have done 4 fresh cycles and still do not have a baby. I don’t want to be one of those women. It’s so scary to think that it might not work. And then I think that if God really wanted me to have a baby that he would have given me one by now. Then my thoughts turn to things like thinking that God just wants to see how truly determined I am and then he will bless us with a de baby. Like I said above, I’m a mess.

I feel ok inside with doing this and I think that is half the battle. I don’t think I will love a de baby any less. The LG is not mine through biology but I love him and treat him as though he were mine. I do worry about how the child will feel and if it will matter. Of course I would tell the child, I’m just not sure how to go about that. I know that if this works I have quite a few years before I have to worry about it, but it should be something to think about now, too.

BJ and I have started talking more and more about “if we have one”, “if this works” and things like that. We have not been as careful as we should and I have tried to catch myself around the LG and I’ve made attempts to get BJ to be a little more aware. He’s a smart kid and I think he would catch on to something. Not necessarily what we are doing but that we are planning/hoping for a baby in the not too distant future.

I went into bedbathandbeyond last week and boy have they changed that store since the last time I was in there. They have a HUGE baby section now and it’s not avoidable like most other stores’ baby sections. When I saw it I was sad because I know that we should have a baby now and I should have been shopping for more baby gear but at the same time I was also filled with hope. The sadness was more of a longing and not so much of a kick to the stomach if that makes any sense. I miss my lost baby every day. I read a post by someone (I’m sorry that I can’t remember who) that said that she missed her lost babies, too, but that if they had not been lost she would not have the beautiful children she has now. That is exactly how I feel. I have so much hope for the future (and I hope I’m not crushed this time) that might be out there for us and the baby that is (hopefully) yet to come. It’s hard to explain, really. I hope I’m making sense and if not then you know how I feel...unable to make heads or tails out of all of this sometimes.

Our appointment is 7 days away...wow. I think that having this much time in between making the appointment and actually going to the appointment has given me way too much time to over think and over analyze and over worry and, yes, over hope. It’s not easy waiting for such a monumental event. Yes, I realize it’s just the start, but it’s a START. After all this time of thinking I was at a dead end, I can sort of see the clearing in the path ahead. I’m hoping that I have the tools to make it through. If I don’t have the tools I’m hoping that God will help me find the strength and another set of tools to make it through. There’s so much riding on this. I’m not sure I can hit that dead end again and start all over with my grieving process. It almost seems like too much to bear (bare?).

So for now we are going to stay positive and try to keep a level head and try not to talk myself down...this is going to be good. We are going to succeed and I’m going to be a mom. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a bigger fall. Hang on everyone, this ride is just beginning.