This and That

I know, you deserve a much better post/update than this and now that the election is over I might actually have time to sit down and write something worth reading.  For now, I want to touch on a few things non-pregnancy related that I have neglected to write about over the last few months.

The Little Guy’s mother has a new boyfriend.  I knew something was up when she asked to switch a day with us (a Thursday when it was our weekend to have him) and then didn’t call him all weekend.  That is very unlike her…so I had a feeling something was going on but I didn’t say anything to anyone.  BJ got a text from her about 2 weeks later that she was seeing someone and that a meeting between the LG and him would not happen for a while.  Well, it only took about another week or so before she introduced them.  The LG seems to like him and they do fun things like camping, amusement parks and stuff like that.  The only problem is that she likes to hang out at his place a lot, even when she has the LG with her.  I don’t blame her as he has his own house and she lives in her dad’s basement (which is very tiny) so who wouldn’t want to hang out somewhere else?  However, the LG doesn’t really have anything to do while they are there.  So, many of his weekends are pretty boring.  Not to mention, the boyfriend lives in another county which is about a 30 to 35 minute drive away.  Everyone seems happy so it’s good for now.

The LG started middle school this year.  Wow, I remember when he started Kindergarten.  He’s growing up so fast.  We are having a hard time adjusting to say the least.  He is in honors classes so he’s at a faster pace and higher level this year.  His math is kicking my butt…not to mention HIS butt.  I get home, help finish making dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and then sit down to go over his homework.  I easily spend another 45 minutes to an hour helping him with his math.  I haven’t seen this math since I was in school and that was a LONG time ago.  He doesn’t take good notes and can’t remember what his teacher instructs him to do so I’m left surfing the internet or trying to figure out how to use his text book to help finish his worksheets.  It’s a nightmare.  And then comes his lack of memory for turning in this homework that we spend so much time on.  He forgets everything…and I’m not kidding.  He totally played me the other week because I told him that if he did not turn in one more assignment (especially after we spent so much time on it) he would be grounded for 3 days.  We can look online at his grades and his work was missing so I told him that was it, he was grounded.  He promised me he turned it in and that he looked everywhere for it and that the teacher must have lost it.  He cried and cried and didn’t understand why I didn’t believe him.  I felt like an ass because I really wanted to believe him.  I let him off the hook.  I looked in one of his other folders several days later and wouldn’t you know that I found the missing homework?  Ugh.  I told him that no matter how many tears he cried I would not believe him if another assignment came up missing.  So he was grounded for a full weekend day…no electronics.  He was so bored, poor thing.  Needless to say, things aren’t going great with middle school.  I’m hoping that he will adjust to the added responsibility a little better as time goes on.  Once Baby Girl gets here our lives will be that much more chaotic.

We weathered the hurricane just fine. We were so prepared to lose power…we had coolers, extra ice, a generator, propane for our grill, batteries for our flashlights, food that was power-failure appropriate, water in our bathtub…everything.  Of course we only lost power for 2 minutes.  I’ve never been so prepared for a storm.  I almost wished that we had lost power for a few hours.  Not really.  We have lost power and not been prepared and it sucked, big time.  I feel so badly for the NJ/NY areas that were hit so hard.  It’s unbelievable what a storm like that can do.  I can’t imagine losing everything like that.   It makes me cherish the fact that we came through unscathed.

We took a mini-vacation to an indoor waterpark last month.  It was fun to get away but of course I did not ride any of the rides.  I stuck my feet in the hot tub for a few minutes while BJ was enjoying the bubbles but I got hot pretty quickly so I just sat there and kept him company.  The LG rode all sorts of waterslides and we all swam in the big pool together.  I indulged in a pre-natal massage and it was heavenly.  BJ scoffed at the price (I even had a coupon!) but I told him that since I could not ride the rides that the massage was MY vacation and I didn’t care how much it cost.  It was only my 2^nd professional massage and I so wish I could get one once a week…it was blissful.  We ate some good food and played games at the arcade and just had a nice time.  We couldn’t go on a real vacation this summer because I couldn’t tolerate the heat so this was the next best thing.  I’ve also been saving my leave to carryover to next year and combine with my maternity leave so getting away felt really good since I feel like we have been trapped in our county since January.  There were so many babies and pregnant ladies there it was unreal.  I was so happy to be one of them for once, let me tell you.  Even BJ commented to me that I didn’t have to look at them with daggers anymore.  He was right.  But I did wonder if anyone was looking at me with daggers.

Oh yeah…another quick story.  On Open House night at school we were in the LG’s reading class and the teacher pointed out that she had the kids write the obligatory “what I did over the Summer” essay and she posted them in the back of the room.  While she was talking (and I should have been listening) I was searching for the LG’s essay.  I finally found it.  I read it and I beamed with pride.  The only 2 things he wrote about were places that I took him – the waterpark for his b-day in June and bowling with a friend.  How cool is that?  His mom took him to the beach once but he didn’t mention that.  She didn’t take him nearly as much as she used to…due to the new boyfriend, and I guess he took notice of that.  I showed the essay to BJ and told him how cool it was that the LG wrote about the things we did.  Since we didn’t take a real vacation he didn’t have much to pick from but writing about our time instead of the beach trip meant a lot to me.  I love that kid…bad memory and all.

I will do a better update later and I have some posts brewing that I need to get on paper so be prepared for a flurry of action around here over the next week or so…there’s lots to share.

What's Happening?

Hi everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been the best at updating lately.  It’s an election year and that means that we are really busy at work so I don’t get much free time.  I will catch you up on what’s been happening lately…bullet style!

·         We are getting ready for the Little Guy to start middle school.  Ack!  He’s not looking forward to his summer vacation ending but I’m hoping that he will start to get excited very soon.  We are going school supply shopping this weekend.  I LOVE shopping for school supplies.  I always have.  There’s just something about folders and notebooks and new pens that get me all excited!  I could spend hours in an office supply store shopping for these things.  He has an orientation day on the 20^th.  They will ride the bus to school and take the tour of their classes and probably get lists of more supplies that are needed and then be home before 12:00.  School actually starts on the 21^st.  We never had an orientation day.  We just had to show up and hope for the best the first day.  No, I didn’t walk to school barefoot in the snow uphill both ways.

·         We were going to go the beach for a few days next week but given my penchant for heat/sun induced headaches we are skipping it.  I’m sad because I really need to get away for a few days but there’s not much to do indoors at the beach.  We have decided to take the LG away in early October to an indoor waterpark for a couple of days. We looked into it for next week but the prices were way over our budget for a 2 night stay so we will go in October when it’s about half the cost.  He was ok with this as he’s never been to the indoor waterpark before.  Score!

·         More people at work are learning about the pregnancy.  I’ve told a couple more people and I think word will start to spread now on its own.  BJ asked me how in the world I can keep it in.  I don’t really know the answer to that.  Maybe it’s the fear or maybe it’s because I like having this wonderful little secret all to myself.  Once people know, the questions and the advice start flying around and I’d rather not be bombarded with co-workers’ advice.  The important people have been told by me and that is what matters.  The others can learn through the grapevine or when they see the belly.

·         I have been bad about keeping up with my beautiful flower garden.  It’s been so hot this summer that going outside has been nearly impossible.  Even most evenings are still pretty warm.  I’m usually out there every weekend trimming roses, cutting back lilies and pulling weeds.  The migraines I get from the heat/sun have won out over my quest for the best looking yard in the neighborhood.  I’m hoping for some cooler weather this weekend so that I can trim things up a bit.

·         BJ finally went back to the doctor about the pains he gets in his side that travel around to his back.  They took some x-rays and noticed that the base of his spine is curving the wrong way.  The doctor wants him to go to physical therapy and try some exercises to strengthen his back to see if that alleviates some of the pain.  His first session was yesterday.  Of course it felt great while he was there and when he left but then later he was hurting pretty badly.  I told him that he probably just worked some muscles that he hasn’t worked before and it will get better.  I hope so as I hate to see him in pain.

·         We are supposed to start clearing things out of the basement this weekend so that BJ has room to start working on finishing it.  (because we’re having a baby!)  I have some things set aside to take to the thrift store but we have quite a bit of stuff to sort through to see what else we can get out of there.  I’m a little anxious to get going on this because I know that once school starts the time will start flying by and then it will be the holidays and oh my gosh the baby will be here shortly after that (hopefully).

There’s much more to write about but for now that is about all I have time for.  I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll talk at ya later!  (one of my Grandmother’s sayings).  Oh, and I put up a ticker…not sure how I feel about it yet.  Does it make me seem too arrogant or confident?  I’m not sure these feelings will ever go away.  I guess I can thank IF for making me worried about a ticker, right?  *sigh*.

Pregnancy Heavy Post - 13 Weeks

This post is going to be very heavy on pregnancy talk (like most of my posts lately), click away if that is not what you want to read today.

Bullet point lists are awesome and cover a lot of ground so that is what I’m going with today.

·         I decided to get the blood work done to go along with the 1^st trimester scan.  I understand that it might come up as a false positive but it was just not sitting well with me that we skipped it.  I had to jump through some hoops and make several phone calls and stop at a lab on my way home from work the other day but the blood has been drawn and sent away for testing.  Thank you all for your comments regarding this screening.  If the results are positive for anything I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  After reading your comments and taking into consideration that the doctor didn’t find anything else that would indicate a problem, I’m really trying to stay positive that the results will be a great big negative.

·         I’ve told some more people in my office about the pregnancy.  Well, actually I showed them the sonogram pictures.  It was great to spread the news some more.  I told the people that I work most closely with (other support staff) and the one lady that suffered 4 miscarriages before having to have a hysterectomy.  I told her via e-mail, after working hours.  I didn’t want to tell her in person because I know how much it would sting and I didn’t want to catch her off guard.  I wanted to give her a chance to cry if she needed or blurt out some expletives in private.  She was happy for me and gave me a big hug when she saw me the next day.  I did not share the pictures with her.  I am going to try and be very sensitive to how much it’s going to hurt her to watch my growing belly.

·         Speaking of the belly…I think it’s starting to pop.  It’s still mushy but I’m taking that to mean that the inside is pushing the pudge further out.  I have definitely noticed that my pants are extremely tight.  I have a hard time buying pants on a normal day so I can only imagine how hard it’s going to be to buy maternity pants.  All the small local stores don’t carry anything so I have to go to the mall Saturday morning to try and find a few things.  I tried looking online but I just can’t buy pants without trying them on.  I have enough shirts right now so they are not a priority.  I just wish my mom or step mom were closer to me so that I didn’t have to go by myself.  My SIL can’t go because she’s throwing our niece’s b-day party Saturday afternoon and I just can’t wait any longer for pants.  I’m excited but it also makes me a little nervous.  I think that is the Infertile’s fear coming out.

·         I rented a home Doppler for 2 months.  The day it came we used it twice.  The first time was to make sure we could find the heartbeat and we did and it was amazing.  BJ does the honors of actually searching around for it.  It took a bit to get used to how slowly you have to move it around.  He found mine twice before finding the baby.  The second time that day was to let the Little Guy listen.  He thought it was “cool”.  We have used it twice since then and the heartbeat is getting easier to find.  The funny thing is that BJ thinks I worry too much but the 2 times we’ve used it since the first day have been his idea.  I was going to suggest it yesterday but before I could, he asked if we were going to listen to the baby.  I like that he wants to do that and that he understands the peace of mind it gives me.  I think seeing the baby on the screen has made him realize how much he loves this little baby and he wants to check up on it as much as I do.

·         I have created an e-mail list of people that have expressed interest in getting baby updates.  People like my parents, my ex-MIL and her SIL (so my ex-aunt-in-law), my SIL, my co-worker/friend and a couple of other people.  I have sent 2 updates so far and the responses have been very positive.  Everyone loved the pictures that I sent around.  My dad forwarded my message to some of our family in MO to share the news and one of my cousins e-mailed him back with how happy she is for us.  Isn’t it amazing how happy babies make people?

·         I’m nearing the end of my first trimester.  WOW….just wow.  Everything I’ve read has said that the sick feelings and the fatigue and the food aversions will slowly start to disappear.  I hope so, but it actually seems that it all has intensified this last week.  There’s more and more I can’t eat and I’m feeling sick for longer each day.  I haven’t thrown up, which is good, but I still feel icky.  I’m happy about it, don’t get me wrong.  I just can’t wait to eat some broccoli again and some chicken breast for dinner.  Green vegetables and white meat chicken have been the worst for me so far.  I actually read that those are the 2 most popular food aversions.  We eat chicken a lot for dinner.  I’ve been able to force half a breast down because I know I need the protein but even that is hard to do.

·         I looked into a prenatal yoga class at the hospital where I will be delivering (OMG, did I just say I’d be delivering?  As in a BABY?  Wow, again) but they don’t have a class right now.  They have to have 4 people signed up and I am the 3^rd.  I’m on the waiting list but not holding out much hope.  I have checked into a couple of places close to work but they are too far from my office for a lunch hour class.  Does anyone have a recommendation for a DVD to do at home?  I used to do Pilates on a regular basis but haven’t done anything like that in a long time so I’d need a beginner workout.  I really wanted to do a class with other pregnant women but it doesn’t look like that is in the cards as there is no other place near my home that offers classes.

·         I’m feeling a bit hormonal which I’m sure is not a shock to anyone that has been pregnant before.  My eyes water very easily these days.  Sometimes, just thinking about the precious life that is growing inside of me brings me to tears.  Typing that sentence made my eyes water.  BJ thinks it’s funny when I get teary at the simplest things on TV.  I’m not used to those moments yet but thankfully they pass quickly.

·         I saved the pictures from the NT scan onto my desktop so that I can open them whenever I want to gaze at that precious little baby.  I even talk to it sometimes.  I know that might seem a little whacky but rubbing my stomach and talking doesn’t seem to cut it for me all the time.  I like looking at the profile picture and telling the baby how much I love it and how I am so excited to give Eskimo kisses to its little nose and how I long to caress that little head while nursing.  My heart gets all fluttery just recapping that conversation.

Ok, so that is where I’m at right now.  This has gotten a bit long so I won’t go into our visit to the big baby store this time.  I’ll save that for another day.  Maybe I’ll group it with my maternity shopping experience that I plan to have this weekend.  Thank you all again for being there for me and offering such good advice and helping me along this journey.  This is all new to me (even though I’ve read countless pregnancy blogs) so experiencing all these things can sometimes be a little overwhelming.  I’m glad I have this space to come to and get advice and support.

Inner Thoughts of a Pregnant Infertile

I know I’ve been quiet lately.  That is partly due to how busy I am at work.  It is also partly due to the fact that all I seem to want to write about is pregnancy stuff.  There ARE other things going on in my life but the pregnancy stuff is mostly front and center with me.  I need to find a good balance of writing so I don’t bore everyone to tears.  However, today I’m going to let you into my brain so that you can see what a whack job I have become.  Also, in case any other pregnant infertiles think they are crazy they can read this and know that they are not alone…nor are they crazy.  At least I hope that we aren’t all crazy.

·         Smelling (fill in the blank) didn’t make me gag, the baby’s heart must have stopped.

·         My stomach is still very squishy and soft…the baby must not be growing.

·         I’ve been suffering a major headache since Friday evening…the baby’s heart must have stopped and my hormones are plummeting.

·         I can brush my teeth without having to stop mid-way through due to excessive gagging…the baby’s heart must have stopped.

·         I slept all night without having to get up to pee…the baby must not be growing.

·         I’m leaking a huge amount of something…I must be losing the baby.  (No blood or spotting, just the Endometrin deciding to come out all at once sometimes.)

·         I started reading What to Expect on my Kindle…I hope I didn’t jinx anything.

·         Tomorrow is my last day on ALL meds so of course something will go wrong now.

·         I just know that as soon as I tell my parents about the baby that something will go wrong so I will just keep this HUGE secret to myself until I hear the h/b at my OB appointment.

·         What if there is no heartbeat at my OB appointment?

·         What if I have to write a blog post and make all of my Internet friends sad?

·         I’m a terrible mother already because I have not been eating nearly as healthy as I should be…what if I’ve already damaged my baby?  That book I mentioned above almost had me in tears this morning as it was listing how much of each kind of food I should be eating that I’m not.

·         I also read that I could already have toxoplasmosis from my cats even though I haven’t touched their litter since just before transfer.  I’m going to ask to be tested for it at my OB appointment.  Again, how could I not be more educated on that matter?

·         I felt horrible after drinking half of my V8 this morning…the baby must be fine…and not fond of V8.

·         I could only eat half my dinner last night so the baby must be fine, right?

These are just some of the random/irrational thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  I have no reason to believe that anything is wrong in there.  I also do not dwell on these thoughts.  Most of these thoughts are followed up with “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.”

I know my last post was pretty similar to this one and I thank you all for your reassuring words.  I also thank you for your support though this tricky time.  I really am ok most of the time.  BJ and I started to get the basement cleaned up because it will need to be mostly finished before the baby gets here.  The nursery (holy cow!) will be what is now holding my scrapping stuff and his hunting stuff so we’ll need a place to put all of that.  We will make a dump run this weekend and maybe even buy some 2x4’s to start framing.  It’s still unbelievable to me that we are making preparations to bring a baby in the house.  I know there is a long way to go and that I’m still only 9 weeks and 5 days along, but it feels so damn good to talk about the baby and the changes it will bring to our lives.  BJ is already thinking about daycare centers, gulp.  He told me the other day that he really wants to look at baby furniture online.  I told him he could and then he said that he didn’t want to jinx anything.  I guess men can have some of those crazy thoughts too.

I don’t really have much to report on the pregnancy front.  I still get an upset stomach at random times of the day.  It happens a lot at night right before bed.  I’ve thrown up once but I’m pretty sure it was due to the major headache I’ve had since Friday.  Although it’s slowly getting better.  I’m not craving anything strange.  I’ve gained 2.5 pounds so far but plans are in the works for healthier eating…see above about the book that almost made me cry.  I’m not showing at all, much to the chagrin of BJ and the Little Guy.  Both of them keep asking me when I’ll have a belly.  I’m still pretty tired and of course the boobs are still hurting.  I stop my Delestrogen and my Endometrin tomorrow.  Scary stuff but I will be glad to be done with the panty liners and the goo.

That’s about all for now.  I hope to write a real post about something other than pregnancy anxiety very soon.  Hang in there with me…I’m a pregnant infertile and I have a week to go until my first OB appointment.  I bet you can hardly wait.  J

Friday Bullet Points

• The LG did not make the all-star team. I wasn’t there for the tryouts but BJ said it was a fiasco from the beginning. The poor kid gets himself so stressed out about being perfect that he ends up making mistakes. He felt horrible. I felt horrible for him. They asked to make him an alternate but we decided that would be torture. He’d go to all the practices and the game only to sit on the bench and hope for someone to get sick or hurt. That is not a cool position to be in and we felt it best to just remove him from the hurtful situation. We did, however, sign him up for a 4-day baseball camp next week and he’s excited about that. Whew! Distractions are great!


• His team played an awesome game yesterday and will now play in the championship game tomorrow! They had mediocre pitching and made some mistakes in the field and were down by 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th (last inning). One boy hit and got on base, another boy was walked and then another boy was walked. One of our better hitters got up and smacked the ball and drove in 3 runs while he was still on 3rd base. It was time for the LG to bat. He had been walked twice and hit a double earlier in the game. We didn’t have any outs. I was so nervous. I knew the winning run was on 3rd and hoped that the LG was able to hit the ball as a sacrifice and bring the 3rd base runner home. He was almost hit with a pitch and I hoped that he wouldn’t get walked. The next pitch came and he hit the ball into the infield by the pitcher. The pitcher scooped up the ball and instead of trying to hold the runner at 3rd (not a force out since no one was on 2nd) he threw the ball to first and got the LG out. We scored and won the game! It was so exciting. So now we play our last game of the season tomorrow. I hope we can pull it off. The team we are playing is tough to say the least. I don’t like their cocky attitudes and we have lost to them twice already. Wish us luck!

• I was finally able to get an appointment with my OB. I’m scheduled for July 3 at 1:15. That seems like an eternity away…I will have to put my patient hat on because there’s nothing I can do to change it.

• I also made an appointment for the scan with the MFM office. That appointment is not until the 16th! They said I’d have to meet with the genetics counselor due to my advanced maternal age. I had to fess up that we did DE and used a 22-year old’s eggs so that was not necessary. BJ said he’s coming to that appointment for sure. He was bummed about missing the last scan.

• I think I’m telling my parents this weekend. From the way I’m feeling I’m going to venture out on a limb and say that everything is still going good in there so it’s time to let them in on the joy.

• This weekend’s weather is supposed to be spectacular. I can’t wait as I love the lower humidity and the sunshine. Tomorrow morning will be a perfect time to work out in the yard since last weekend it was too hot and muggy to do so. My flowers need trimmed so that more can grow. I’m so happy with my petunias…I put 2 small plants in each pot on our porch and they are over flowing with blooms. I love it!

• Sunday is Father’s Day and I have nothing planned for BJ. We are picking the LG up around 2:00 or so and will probably go and get some steamed crabs, but other than that…I got nothin’. There’s really nothing to buy him and a card will get read and then put aside. I think spending time with his son is the most important thing anyway.

• The sadness that has engulfed the blogosphere this week is truly upsetting. I’m a follower of one of the ladies that suffered a horrible loss but do not know the other 2. However, my heart breaks for them and their families. And selfishly, I fear for myself. I can’t imagine their pain or what they are going through…it seems unbearable. I told BJ about it and told him that I guess we’re never really safe. It sucks that these bad things happen to such good people. And it’s not like I can stick my head in the sand and just ignore the possibility that this could happen to us. I’m not going to dwell on it but it’s always there in my mind. I’m so very sorry that these ladies have to endure these tragedies. It really does break my heart.

• I’m always touched by the support and encouragement I get from my readers. I am so grateful to have you all out there. You know exactly how to lift my spirits and put my mind at ease. I love opening my e-mail and seeing messages from you. Especially those of you whom I have not heard from on your own blogs in a long time. I love it when you drop in and wish me well. Thank you all! I hope you have a good weekend or at least as good of one as you can.

Weekend Recap and More Worries

I had such a nice weekend. We had the Little Guy with us this weekend until Monday morning. We went to dinner Friday night where I cashed in my free birthday coupon at Ruby’s. On Saturday I did my usual cleaning in the morning and then we went to BJ’s nephew’s birthday party. It was hard not to say anything to BJ’s sister but since we hadn’t really discussed it beforehand, neither of us said anything. We were there for about 5 hours and I was wiped out by the time we got home.


On Sunday we did some yard work and BJ washed my truck. Later, we went to get some crabs to steam up at home…yummy! And as I was eating my 3rd crab I was fear stricken. Am I allowed to eat crabs? Do they have mercury? Right over to the computer I went. I found out that I can “enjoy” (their word) up to 2 6oz servings a week. Whew! Seafood is actually good for you during pregnancy as long as you don’t eat the wrong kind. I finished eating and went out to the porch while they boys were still picking away. I almost fell asleep out there which would have been a little embarrassing had anyone come over. As we were cleaning up I carried one of the chairs upstairs and BJ yelled up to me to stop carrying things. I said the chair was light and it was ok. I like that he’s so cautious about this. He went to the neighbor’s house and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for just over an hour!

Monday, the Little Guy’s mother picked him up at 10:00 and BJ and I headed down to where we used to live by the water to walk the boardwalk and get some soft-serve ice cream. On our way, we decided to stop and look at a mini-van. It was really nice, but I don’t see us being able to get one. BJ will just have to get a cap for his truck and we’ll have to make due for the next couple of years or so. The van had some great features, though. I know why they are so popular after checking one out.

There were many references to the “baby” over the weekend. Always when the LG was not within ear shot, though. We said things like “This time next year, we’ll have an infant sitting on the porch with us.” And then he said things like “You’ll really be showing when we go to the fair this year. You’ll either want to eat everything in sight or you’ll be sickened by all the smells of the mixture of foods.” And then when I commented on how tired I was I was greeted with this sentence “That’s because you’re pregnant….I like saying that.” I like hearing him say it. I’m still trying to get used to it being said about me. My heart knows it’s true but my mind is still adjusting. I’ve been trying to get to this point for about 11 years and now that it’s finally here…wow.

When I called to make my u/s appointment I felt like I was going to throw up. Not from pregnancy sickness but from saying the words out loud – I need to make my 6 week ultrasound appointment – those types of things bring on the anxiety. It’s like I’m afraid to admit it out loud. I’m afraid of jinxing something. I know that it doesn’t work that way but it’s still a fear I have. I even called my thyroid doctor to get my TSH levels checked because I’m pregnant. I had to cancel my yearly pap appointment and explain that I’m pregnant and still being seen by the clinic. Just typing all of this out has made my stomach want to purge. I want this so badly and the thought of not having a heartbeat Friday is scaring the crap out of me. I’m constantly pushing and poking and grabbing my breasts to see how sore they are. I keep hoping for a little queasiness just so I know things are still going ok in there. I’m scared to look at the toilet paper each time I use the bathroom. Believe it or not, I’m trying really hard to focus on the good things. I had VERY strong betas. I’m still tired like crazy. I’m still getting cramps on and off each day. My breasts are still very tender. Although, I don’t think they’ve grown at all. I think maybe I’ve been tainted by all the bad stories I read online. I’m not sailing through this blissfully ignorant to all that can go wrong. I wish I were so blind. I was bold enough to download the baby center app to my phone. It took me 2 or 3 days to log in, though. I don’t like the fear. I don’t like the anxiety. It doesn’t do any good. There’s nothing I can do (or not do) at this point to keep things on track. I have to try and have faith that there is still life in me and that it’s growing and thriving as it should be. It’s not like I’m sitting around thinking only negative thoughts. I’m so excited to be pregnant. I’ve never been this pregnant before and it takes my breath away to think about all the possibilities. I am exceptionally happy right now. I’m also very scared that all of this will be taken away from me.

Our appointment is at 8:00am on Friday. BJ will be with me. He wants to tell the LG Friday night as long as everything goes good. I don’t know that I’m ready for that but he doesn’t want to keep it from his son any longer. I have to admit that we had to catch ourselves a few times this weekend with him around. We don’t want to slip up and have him find out accidentally. That would be bad. So, as long as we get a good report I guess we’ll be telling the LG Friday night that he’s going to be a big brother in January. Fingers crossed. Please, please, please let this come to fruition.

Fertilization Report and Other Musings

• All 9 eggs were fertilized with ICSI. I received an e-mail this morning that ALL 9 are growing! That’s great news. The best news, actually. I responded with an e-mail of my own asking that a phone call be used to update me tomorrow because their e-mails keep going to my spam folder (even though I listed them as “safe”) and I don’t have access to spam on my phone. We will be out and about tomorrow so I don’t want to miss anything. I also asked if the transfer date would be decided tomorrow. She said that if we are having a 3 day transfer that they will give me a time tomorrow, but she suspects we’ll have a 5 day transfer. Another bit of great news. Here’s to hoping that we have at least 4 survive to day 5. I know the stats so I think 5 good blasts could be a reality. Although, these are not the donors only eggs so I guess time will tell.


• My husband sent me a text earlier that went something like this: I got a bbq sandwich for lunch and dropped some on my white shirt. Just to give you an idea, this man spills food on himself all the time. I can’t tell you how many shirts have had to be treated with a stain remover before going into the washing machine. So I responded with: Of course. We need to get you some bibs. You and the baby can get matching ones. And he came back with: Yeah, we can compete to see who is messier, me or the baby. It was strange but really good to talk about “the baby”. Even in this context. A baby...really? Us? Fingers crossed.

• I went and got a pedicure today. Two things of note happened while I was there. The lady, whom I’ve been going to for a few years, now said to me, “did I ever tell you that you have really pretty feet? You could be a foot model.” I’ve gotten compliments on my feet before from pedicurists so I have an enlarged ego about my feet as it is. :-) She went on to tell me that she looks at the feet of models in magazines and catalogs and thinks I have nicer feet than a lot of them. I smiled and thanked her. And then I did something totally horrible. I wondered to myself what our donor’s feet look like. I have my dad’s big toe but the rest of my foot (besides the size) is from my mom... exactly like her feet. We’ve always thought it was pretty cool to have the same feet. If I have a girl, there’s no chance those feet get passed on. It was a fleeting thought but it’s one of those things that take you by surprise. I felt like an ass for even thinking such a thing. And no, it doesn’t matter what my daughter’s feet might look like...it’s just something I thought and lamented a little bit. This whole donor egg thing is an ongoing process. I’m sure that is not the last time I will have a thought like that. I’m also pretty sure that once that baby is in my arms none of this petty stuff will matter. It doesn’t really matter right now but the thoughts come and go. If anyone reading this feels like an ass for lamenting a genetic loss to your child, you are not alone. I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about these things. It’s almost healthy, dare I say? I mean, how many of us wonder what traits of ours and what traits of our husbands our child(ren) will get? I wonder if the donor would take a picture of her feet and send it to my nurse. Just kidding.

• I’m getting pretty cocky in believing we will get a baby out of this, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I know that DE is not a magic ticket to motherhood. I’ve read enough message boards to know that, unfortunately. However, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my mind and body at ease through this process. The way I see it is that we paid for 6 cycles and all resulting frozen cycles so of course it will happen on the first try, right? Plus, I have 9 embryos growing right now. How can one not be positive and a little cocky at that prospect? Especially someone that could never manage more than 3 embryos.

• I plan on drinking alcohol this weekend. I told BJ that the other night and he comes back with, “I’m gonna get fuuuuuucked up!” I clarified that I was the one doing the drinking this weekend and HE would be the driver. And he said, “hell no...we’ll both get smashed.” And I said, “Who will drive us home?” And then he turns around, sticks his thumb out and sways from side to side...”someone will pick us up.” He cracks me up. I think I’ll keep him.

• My PIO shot last night was interesting. I didn’t hit a blood vessel which was nice but I leaked oil. It seemed like a lot of oil but I can only assume this is normal and that not that much really ran out. At least I hope that’s the case. Any PIO vets out there that can assure me that I’m ok if some leaks out....please?  Also, I now have 2 sore butt cheeks.  I hope that they continue to be sore for the next 7 to 9 weeks.  Or however long someone normally stays on PIO to support a pregnancy.

• No big plans for the weekend unless we have to unexpectedly have embryos transferred on Sunday. I hope that’s not the case. The weather is supposed to be wonderful and we have the LG’s baseball game tomorrow and some yard work that needs done. I also have a very important hockey game to watch.  Oh and of course the drinking I plan on doing. I told BJ we should get some 2x4’s for the basement so we can get started on it this fall or winter. I will need to get my scrapping stuff out of the spare bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. See? I’m really getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not jinxing anything...I just hope and pray that one of those 9 little embies becomes my take home baby.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be updating on Monday with transfer plans! Unless I’m thrown a major curveball and have to go in on Sunday. ACK! Let’s hope not. Let’s hope that the next time you hear from me I’m telling you what time my beautiful blast will be transferred into my uterus for the next 9 months!

Quick Update and Random Thoughts

There’s too much to write about so I’m just going to give a quick bulleted update. I will try to keep it short. :-)

• My shots are going well. Of course, the first one I administered hit a blood vessel and left me with a dime sized bruise on my belly. It’s actually almost gone, though, so all is well. No major side effects that I have noticed as of yet and that is always good.

• The weekend was good. I was off Friday and didn’t really have any plans but to get the stuff for the Easter baskets and then work on my scrapping. I actually did a lot of laundry, too. It was a good relaxed day. We went to the Bass Pro Shop on Saturday and the husband has decided that he wants a bass boat. That is another post all to itself and will need to be tackled another day. Since the LG was with his mother on Sunday, BJ and I cleaned out the garage. The weather was beautiful and we were able to clean and mostly organize the space. During the winter months the garage really suffers so cleaning it up felt really good.

• Work is busy and I’m not enjoying any of it. I’m not happy with my job right now or my current boss or some of my co-workers. If you’ve been following me for a year or more you know that I have a new boss. I don’t like him. He’s so different from anyone I’ve ever known so it’s really difficult to find our stride. He won’t ever change so I know I just have to deal with it but the situation is stressing me out.

• I’m coming up on some important dates and it’s starting to bring me down. My first ever BFP anniversary is only a few weeks away...as is the anniversary of my first (and hopefully only) loss. I should be on maternity leave right now and I think that might be part of the reason I dislike my job and boss right now.

• The blogosphere has been filled with some really high highs and some really low lows lately. As I read through the happy mom posts I get excited and start to think about what it would be like to be writing posts like that. When I read the pregnancy blogs I also hope to be writing my own posts regarding morning sickness and beta numbers. And then I read the sad blogs. The one where a mother had to say good-bye to her child before it was born. And the one where the mother just went in for her 12 week scan only to find out that her little one’s heart had stopped beating just a couple of days ago. It breaks my heart and makes me worry about something like that happening to us. I mean, just because we have struggled for so long does not mean that we will be successful with our DE cycle(s). It’s scary.

• The weather has been so warm and then we had a cold snap and now I’m afraid my roses may not bloom. They have buds all over them but they haven’t begun to open yet. I have 5 beautiful rose bushes and judging by the size and the number of buds, once they open, our yard will be the prettiest on the cul de sac. I just hope the cold nights have not damaged them. We haven’t gotten frost, but it’s been in the 30’s a few times. I’ve noticed that the warm weather caused the Tulips to bloom early and they are already losing their petals. Crazy weather, I tell ya.

• I got an Easter card from my mom. She called me a while back and I told her that I’d send her a calling card with cell minutes on it so that she could keep in contact with her kids. So far, so good. I’ve gotten a couple of text messages and a phone call and now the card. She’s working at a motel as the cleaner in exchange for a room. I’m ok with that. As long as her deadbeat significant other does not mess it up for her like he did last time everything will be ok. I don’t know if she has contacted my other siblings or not but that’s not my problem. As much as they try to make it my problem.

• I have been looking at my cycle calendar at least once a day if not more. And judging by the dates they gave me, my donor will be starting her injections on 4/21. I always started my stims on CD3. If that holds true for her then her CD1 will be 4/19...my mother’s birthday. Odd timing to say the least. That means that the donor will be starting stims NEXT weekend! Yay!! All of this assuming she passes her second and final FDA blood panel on 4/16.

• I’m going in for my Lupron evaluation on Friday morning. I’m hoping for nice quiet ovaries which shouldn’t be a problem given my history. And I’m hoping for normal blood work. I’m also hoping that the other recipients are still on track with everything. That’s one of the biggest worries I have. I worry that one of them will have something go wrong and we’ll have to scrap the whole thing. IF has jaded me, that’s for sure. I’m always certain that something bad will happen. I’ve read and seen too much to think otherwise. I’ve always been on the wrong side of the fertility statistics so why should now be any different? I’m hoping that it’s very different...very different indeed.

So that’s a quick rundown of what’s in my head and what’s been going on recently. There’s much more but I don’t seem to have the time right now to write about it. My boss will be on vacation next week so I’m hoping to have more time to get some good posts up. I have some things I need to get off my chest and you guys get to be my sounding board. Lucky you!

Just Hangin' Around

I’m still here. I’ve been absent for quite a while and I fear that I have some rust to remove from my writing hands. I’ve been reading all of your blogs and following along with your struggles, your pregnancies and watching your children grow and change. I just haven’t been a good commenter. I feel that I usually don’t have much insight to add. Especially when it comes to sleep schedules, new foods to feed babies, cloth diapering or how to stay healthy during pregnancy. It’s true...most of the blogs I read have moved to the other side. There is a few that still struggle with IF but that is the minority of the blogs I have in my Reader. Anywho...


I’ve gotten a couple of comments recently asking me how I’m doing and if things get better and how I’m dealing with everything. Here is what I can tell you:

• Life goes on. As much as we don’t want it to, it does. And it seems to move at lightning speed sometimes. Then at other times it slows to a pace that rivals a snail crawling across the sidewalk.

• It still hurts. Every day I hurt. I have to put it aside and keep it to myself, but it’s still there. This time of year can be especially painful. I had to endure my SIL’s Christmas party where there were about 5 toddlers, a 1-year-old, a newborn and a pregnant woman. There’s a story about the pregnant woman but it can wait. I came home and cried...in my bathroom...alone. I held the beautiful necklace that my bloggy buddy Esperanza sent to me right after my loss. It’s the first time since the day I received it that I held it in my hand and spoke to it like I was speaking to my lost child. It sits on my bathroom counter and I have touched it a few times but this is the first time that I held it and cried.

• I still have h-o-p-e. I don’t know why and I don’t know where it comes from. It sneaks in at really bad times and plays with my emotions like nothing I’ve ever known. It sucks, but I still have hope. Even though I know I have crap eggs and nothing will change about that. Even though I do not (nor will I ever) have the money for donor eggs. Even with a mental understanding that God never intended for me to have a child, I have hope.

• I’m ok. I’m not good or great or enthusiastic ...but I’m ok. As ok as I can be. Well, I guess I could work harder at it but I’m lazy and I’m not ready to try that hard.

This Christmas is proving to be a really tough one for me. I’m a step mother and that is a good thing. I get to have a child in my life and to experience holidays and such in a “family” way. I’m a hockey fan and I have turned my step son (and my husband) into fans, too. It’s sort of our “thing”. The Little Guy and I go to games and to the Convention and I buy him hockey gear and trinkets and things like that. His mother is a huge NASCAR fan. We like racing but not as much as she does. It’s sort of “their” thing. All of a sudden, she is invading my private space. She bought the Little Guy a new jersey, hockey tickets and a night in a hotel after the game. She also bought herself a matching jersey. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like that the LG and I share this so she wants to let me know who’s boss...so to speak. BJ is not happy about it but what can he say? We can’t tell her she’s not allowed to buy those things. But seriously? Why is she taking this away from me? It’s not like I don’t know where I stand in his life. I know who Top Dog is and it’s not me. It just sucks. I don’t have much with him that is just “ours” and now I really don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t care. If it’s selfish then call me Queen Selfish. Not to mention that on Christmas day I should be 38 weeks pregnant and about to welcome my own little miracle to the world. That, too, was taken from me. Sometimes I really wonder how the Universe works and why it seems to work against me in these ways.

I have much to be thankful for and trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. I have a family, I have my health, and I have a job and a house and car. I’m able to buy things for others for Christmas and also to help out a few charitable causes. I’m grateful to be able to do those things. It gives me a happy feeling inside. Again, I’m being selfish, but I want to be able to do the one thing I can’t.

I have much more to update but for now I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wanted to let anyone that might be suffering that a) you are not alone and b) it gets better...it doesn’t go away, but it gets better.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very blessed New Year! There are many of you that will have your babies in your arms for the first time this Christmas...Joy to the World!! And there are others that will spend this Christmas with a big belly...Halleluiah!! I wish you all nothing but goodness and good cheer. I can’t wait to see more pictures with Santa and first Christmas pictures. Love to you all!

Where's the Light?

Where’s the light at the end of the tunnel? It’s a very common saying when someone is going through a rough time. It’s also used as flippantly as when someone is exercising and they can’t wait to stop. I’m still looking for my light. The “light” symbolizes that a bad/uncomfortable situation is about to get better...that you are almost through it. I see no signs of that light.


I feel like I’m actually going backwards in my healing process. Pregnant bellies make my eyes well up with tears like never before. It affects me so profoundly sometimes that I forget, just for a second or two, where I’m going or what I was in the middle of saying or thinking.

There are the normal, everyday reminders of IF that we all face...babies, children, families, pregnant bellies etc. And then there are the reminders that some us that have step-children face – the field trips we don’t get to go on because the “real” mom gets first choice and of course she wants to go, having to call the child your “step” child when in public...things like that. It really hurts sometimes. No, it hurts all the time.

I’ve figured out why I can’t stay motivated to eat less and work out more. I really want to lose some weight and some inches and just be more physically healthy. However, I can’t seem to stay on track for more than a week, if that. The answer hit me the other day. I’m angry at my body and even though I know we are supposed to be good to our bodies, I don’t want to be. I’m angry because my body has let me down. My body has not been good to ME (in the reproductive sense) so why should I be good to IT? I know it might sound strange, but that epiphany struck a chord with me. I’m a healthy adult. I have had blood work done and I’m very healthy. The only issue is my underactive thyroid, something I don’t have much control over without medication, which I take every day. I rarely drink, have never done drugs or smoked so over all I think I’ve been pretty good to my bodily health. I’m not over weight, at least I don’t think I am. I’m 5’2” and weigh about 132. I would like to lose about 10 pounds and a couple of inches to feel better about my image, though. I’ve lost my will power to say “no” to certain things. Back in late 2004, early 2005 I lost 35 pounds and I felt great. I’ve gained almost 25 of those pounds back, mostly over the last 2 years. Are we seeing a connection? I started fertility treatments in early 2009...hmmmm....seems to all add up doesn’t it?

I wish I knew how to get out of this funk. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I feel lost in the tunnel. I lean up against the kitchen counter and look down at my non-pregnant belly and it’s like a slap in the face. I think to myself, “I should be 25 weeks pregnant and I should not be able to lean up against this counter like this”. It’s torture to say the least. I think that’s why the pregnant bellies bother me so much now...because I should be there. It’s not a longing like it was before I saw those 2 lines. It’s more of a feeling of loss now. I lost my chance to have that big belly when my body failed me by giving me bad eggs. My body failed me by letting my baby go. Why should I do anything nice for my body?

I know there is no answer for what I’m going through except to give myself more time. I just wish I knew when it would get better. The smallest things bring me to tears anymore. Things like the new show Up All Night. The first (or maybe second) episode had the mom coming home from work after the baby was in bed. At the end of the show the mom is talking to her daughter and promised her that if she weren’t there at bed time that she’d always be there when she woke up. It was a simple thing, but it made me cry. I’ll never have that sort of “conversation” with my child. I can’t read sappy new mom blog posts without my eyes welling up. I’m posting comments through tears because I want to feel as grateful as the new mom says she is. I want to feel the power of the mother/child bond like they write about. But it’s just not meant to be for me. I don’t know why and I’ve pretty much stopped asking. It doesn’t much matter why because I can’t change it. Not worrying about why doesn’t stop me from hurting or longing or being angry about it, though. It just adds to the darkness of this tunnel I’m living in. I’m actively searching for the light because I know it has to be there...somewhere...right?

Elaboration

I just want to elaborate a little on my last post. Some of your very insightful and thought provoking comments have gotten me to thinking about this some more.

I think “punish” was the wrong word. I think “consequence” would have been a more appropriate word to use. I feel that we all have consequences for our actions. Whether they are good consequences or bad. Every action has a reaction of sorts.

I remember some stories of great suffering in the Bible. Unfortunately, I’m not familiar enough with the stories to quote them here. I remember them, though. I know that God has the power to do anything...whether it’s to create life in a virgin or to flood the earth. There are reasons that He does these things that I will never understand. That’s why it’s called faith. I’m ok with that.

What I’m having trouble with is my belief that God creates every life for a reason. It might sound silly and naïve, but that is how my heart feels. It’s what I’ve always believed. I was taught that God has a plan for every person that He puts on this Earth. I also believe that people stray from the right path on many occasions. When I say the “right” path I mean the path that God intended the person to walk. That is where free will comes in.

With the free will that we were granted we make choices. THOSE choices shape our lives. I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that even if/when we make the wrong choice that it was “meant to be” and “in God’s plan”. Does God intend for people to become drug addicts and alcoholics? Does He intend for people to kidnap little kids and do unspeakable harm to them? Does He intend for people to commit suicide? I don’t think so. I think these people strayed off the path that God intended for them and made their own choices.

One of the commentors from yesterday stated that her desire for motherhood was God given. I totally get that. I feel I was born to be a mother. I feel it in my bones that I need to keep fighting and do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal. However, I think God has other plans for me. I was born with terrible eggs. I’m guessing that means God never intended for me to birth a child. I feel like no matter how certain I was that fertility treatments were right for me, that God was not leading me in that direction after all. I made those choices and I apparently was not listening to God enough. He has shown me over the last 10 years that His plan for me does not include a biological child. I’m finally starting to get it. It’s finally sinking in.

I’m not being punished for anything I have done or not done...I was born without the ability to produce a child. I’ve had a sort of epiphany about this lately. It really sucks ass, but it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I don’t have a fixable problem. There’s no way to skirt around ovaries with bad eggs. Well, short of spending a minimum of $15,000 on a shared donor.

I’m starting to realize that the Little Guy is probably supposed to fill my need for mothering. I have always felt so lucky to have met BJ when I did. The fact that he had a little boy was such a bonus. The fact that he lets me mother his child is a real blessing. What I want is not what God wants for me. Nor is it what God obviously has planned for me. I made the choice to date BJ. I made the choice to marry him. Those were free will decisions. Those decisions brought this child into my life and that is a consequence I can deal with.

I’m still so very sad at the thought of ending my journey of trying for my own child. Sad is not even a good word to describe what I’m feeling. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m going to trust that God has some good things planned for me and that I don’t stray (keep straying?) from my path. Maybe I’m so far off the path that I am unable to find my way back. I hope not. With all my doubts lately I’m not even sure I have a definitive path. I’m just a compilation of my many choices. I know that God loves me. I’m one of His children and He loves us all. Even the non-believers out there, He loves you, too. God’s love for me was never in question. There are enough things that I question, but that is not one of them. I’m so grateful for His love. Right now though, my heart just aches for the life I had with me for that short time that is now with Him. I just hope that He didn’t give me that life and then take it away as a consequence for not following His will.

Ok, enough with all of that. I’m sure you are sick to death of reading about my spiritual crisis. Thank you all for your great comments. I get such great comfort in knowing that you are out there and that many of you have had some of these feelings, too. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Fate/Destiny/Master Plan?

I’m going to get a little religious/spiritual in this post. It might be offensive to some and it might make others laugh at me. I do not mean to offend anyone and the thoughts posted here are just that, my thoughts/opinions/feelings. I’ve wanted to write this post for a very long time but haven’t quite been able to put it all together. I still don’t know if it will come across as well thought out or not but I need to get it out of my head.

I’m a Christian. I believe in God and in Jesus as my Savior. I pray for others, myself and for forgiveness. I don’t go to church anymore and I don’t like that about myself but obviously not enough to change it. I try to lead a “good” life. I have pretty high standards for myself. I try to treat others in a way that I want to be treated. Pretty standard stuff.

In my journey of TTC there have been so many prayers to God. I’m sure you can relate to what those prayers entailed. I’ve tried bargaining, begging, desperation...none of it has worked. I never thought I’d try IVF. I didn’t think it was *natural* to create life like that. When the time came and we had the money I really felt that I was ready, both spiritually and mentally. I really thought it would work. I thought that God would see how much it really meant to me/us and He’d let it happen. I thought that He’d see that I was willing to give myself shots and put myself through the emotional wringer and He’d reward me/us. We were in the process of selling our house and trying to find a new place. The market was not good and we feared that we’d be stuck. We got an offer pretty quickly and then we found out that we could get a really great interest rate to allow us to build a brand new house in a great neighborhood in the town we really wanted to live in. Not only that, but our realtor had a house that we could rent for just a few months while we waited for our house to be built. Things were really falling into place. It must be God’s plan, right? To finally get a baby, and a new house and a new life with my new husband and step-son...it must be my master plan/destiny, right? Wrong.

Let me add that over the years with my previous husband, each and every time I wasn’t pregnant when something significant happened in our lives I always used the line, “well I guess that’s why God hasn’t let me get pregnant yet.” It always made sense. And then I would tell myself that I didn’t get pregnant because God knew that we would divorce. However, if we’d had a child I don’t know that our marriage would have dissolved. It’s one of the biggest questions I have. He now has 3 children so it must have been his plan, right? To learn from our marriage and then to move on and have kids with someone that is fertile must have been his destiny, right? I don’t know.

Do we have a destiny? Is there a master plan? I always thought so. I am guilty of using the phrases, “what is meant to be will be” and “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t know what to believe now. God might have a plan for all of us but we, as humans, have plans of our own. We were given free will, the ability to make choices. We make wrong choices throughout our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we pray and ask for guidance, we make a wrong choice. Did God know we would make a wrong choice? Was that wrong choice in our plan all along? If so, then it really wasn’t wrong was it? God told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit. And pardon my ignorance...did He know she would anyway? She made the choice to go against God’s wishes and because of that, all of humanity was punished...sin was introduced into the perfect world.

Back to me...I’ve often wondered what my plan in life is/was. I wonder if I have made too many choices that have completely altered the way things were supposed to be. I made the choice of staying with my mom when I was 16 and my dad made the choice of letting me. Things would have been very different if I had not made the request or if he had said no. It’s things like that that have led me here today.

I started thinking about those sorts of things after our loss from our IVF in April. I chose to do IVF. I want a baby so badly that I chose to try again. Aren’t we supposed to learn from past mistakes as to not repeat them in the future? Since the first one failed I wonder why I though God would let the second one work. I had to try, though. I felt it was the right thing to do. And when I think back to how calm and serene I was through most of the process, I wonder why I was so calm. I think it was because I knew it would work. Somewhere deep inside, I had come to terms with the fact that it would work. I was ready for whatever emotions came my way. I had learned how to deal with it from our past attempt. I felt confident that it would turn out differently than last time. I was right, to a degree.

God allowed me to get pregnant. And then He allowed me lose that baby very early. I think it was a form of punishment. Before anyone tells me that God doesn’t punish people like that, hear me out. I used to think that way, too, until my loss. When women are born they are born with as many eggs as they will ever have. I was born with fewer than average eggs. I was also born with bad eggs. I have been TTC since I was 24 years old. My eggs were just as bad then as they are now. So obviously, God’s plan/my destiny/my fate has always been for me not to get pregnant. God created me and he created my eggs. He never intended for me to get pregnant. And what do I do? I keep going to doctors to try and rectify the situation instead of just learning from my past. If we had not tried again I would not have this heavy hurt of a lost baby in my heart. I would not sit here in sadness every day thinking about how far along I should be and what milestone I should be reaching each week.

When I think about how desperately I wish we had money for donor eggs I have to stop myself. What makes me think that donor eggs are “in my plan”? Why would God want me to go ahead and seek more medical intervention? He has already proven to me that He never intended for me to have a child. Why would I choose to try something like that? Honestly, if we had the money, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m driven by something else that I can’t put into words (maybe it’s greed or selfishness?). If I did donor eggs and God decided that he was angry enough at me for going through with more treatments, what would my next punishment be? I shudder at the thought of His power. I am, after all, a God fearing woman.

It’s all so confusing. And don’t get me wrong...I do not think that donor eggs are against God’s wishes. In my opinion, God creates all life and it’s up to Him if that life turns into a baby. And if a woman uses donor eggs and has a baby...I’m very happy for (and a bit jealous of) them. I’m just in spiritual turmoil right now. I’m questioning all my decisions with regards to reproduction lately. I’m also still trying to figure out if there is any way possible to pay for the donor egg program. I’m a walking contradiction. It’s not easy living in my head these days.

Why?

There are many times during the TTC process that we Infertiles ask the question “why?”


Why is it taking so long?
Why do I have endo?
Why do I have PCOS?
Why are my tubes blocked?
Why does my husband not have any sperm?
Why do I not ovulate?
Why do I keep losing babies?
Why? Why? Why?

The list just goes on and on for most of us. The “why?” that I’m asking today is this: Why do I still think there is a chance I could get pregnant?

I saw ewcm yesterday and put a plan into action to seduce my husband. Surprisingly I succeeded in doing just that. I’m only on CD9 today. The sighting of the ewcm means that ovulation will be today or tomorrow. I’m not peeing on any sticks or strips to know for sure. Being this early in my cycle I know that if there is an egg in the follicle that it’s most likely not mature. On the off chance that it is mature I’m sure it’s not normal. My track record speaks for itself. So again I have to ask myself, why?

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I had a dream last night that I was at a neighbor’s party. It was the neighbor that is 41 and has stated that she never wants kids. It’s my opinion that she tried and failed but I have yet to ask her about it. I could be wrong but that is the feeling I get from her. Anyway...back to my dream. She was sharing her eggs with me. No, not her ovarian eggs, actual eggs that you would crack open and cook. Someone told me that the eggs wouldn’t be any good, that they’d be messed up. I assured them that the eggs would be fine. It was a half carton of eggs which is how I usually buy them. As I opened the carton, I inspected each and every one of the eggs. And wouldn’t you know that every single egg was cracked and oozing? I was so very disappointed.

Isn’t it amazing how our minds can work our life into some bizarre dream? I know my eggs are all crap, pretty much just like the ones in my dream. However, the ones in my dream weren’t mine. They were given to me and they were still bad. They were meant to replace my own but I couldn’t use them either. That’s pretty much how I feel. That even if I could afford donor eggs, I still would not end up with a baby. But again, why? Why am I even thinking about donor eggs?

Why am I holding on to this hope? It’s torture on most days. I hate this feeling of being defeated and at the end of my rope. Sometimes the good guy doesn’t win. All too often the villain gets the prize while the deserving champion sits on the sidelines knowing there is nothing that can change the outcome. Why? Why does it have to be this way?

I wish I knew. One of these days I’ll stop asking “why”. I’m sure it won’t be because I have an answer...I’ll just eventually grow tired of asking. Or maybe I’ll learn to just accept things for what they are and I won’t care “why”. I wish I were in that place now.

Catching Up

I’ve been really busy this past week and I have slacked on writing and commenting. I don’t like to get behind...especially on my reading but I’m slowly getting caught up.


I was off Thursday and Friday in preparation for Father’s Day, the LG’s birthday, my SIL’s surprise birthday party and my sister’s wedding. The wedding will be a post all to itself as there is lots to get into about that side of my family.

I had to run around like a crazy person on Thursday morning to take the LG shopping for Father’s day and then get him back to his daycare so that he could go swimming with the other kids. I also had to find him something suitable to wear to the wedding. After that, I had to run around like crazy getting the LG’s gifts and order the balloons for my SIL’s party that night. I had enough time to get all the gifts unloaded from my truck, wrap the FD presents (more on that in a minute) and run back to the store to pick up the balloons and other trinkets that I purchased for the party. She turned 40 so it was a big deal. I then had to run over to the restaurant and help my BIL decorate and get the room ready. Then it was home for just over an hour and then change my clothes and head back to the restaurant for dinner. Whew! I was wiped out by the time we got home that night.

Friday morning was filled with packing for the trip to PA for the wedding and trying to get everything ready and make sure I had everything...dress, shoes, flowers, etc. Trying not to be too much of a panic machine (as I often am when trying to get 3 people ready to go on a trip) as that only adds stress and pisses BJ off. HE’S not the one running around packing 100 different things and the cooler and giving the cats extra food and water and unplugging things and so on and so forth. He just drinks his coffee and picks out his clothes. I hate last minute packing but have learned that with my husband, it’s all he knows.

We drove home after the reception (it actually wasn’t over yet but we had a long drive ahead of us) and didn’t get home until 10:45. We threw everything in the foyer and sat on the couch for a little while before all 3 of us headed to bed. We slept entirely too late on Sunday morning and just felt blah the whole day. We had a present opening bonanza with the LG opening his birthday gifts and BJ opening his FD gifts. I found some really cool camo wrapping paper but of course didn’t realize that the steamer and steamer pot were too much for the little roll of paper. As I was wrapping I had to go down to the basement and get another roll of regular paper. Lo and behold, that roll was almost finished, too! So BJ ended up with 3 different papers wrapping one of his boxes. Ha ha! It was rather comical on Sunday but not so much while I was rushing around on Thursday to get everything wrapped.

The LG’s mom came to get him around 2:00 and then BJ and I went in search of some crabs to steam for dinner. We steamed the crabs (tried to burn them by not getting them in the pot quickly enough and wasting the liquid/steam) and had them and pasta salad for dinner. It was a nice relaxing evening after so much running and rushing around over the past 4 days.

I then came back to work with 77 e-mails waiting for me to read. I have my work e-mail on my iPhone but there wasn’t much I could do with most of them from my phone so they all had to wait until Monday. I’m just now beginning to catch my breath from all of it.

I will get my post up about my sister’s wedding in the next day or so as it will be long. I will try to simplify everything as much as possible but there’s so much to say and to “let out” that it might actually end up being 2 posts. Some of it will come off like an episode of Jerry Springer, but hey, what can you do? You don’t pick your family, right? And you love them anyway...most of the time.  :-)