One Year Ago - Part 3

May 8, 2011 was not a good day for me.  It was Mother's day and that day has always been a problem for me anyway, let alone since trying (and trying, and trying) to get pregnant.  That day last year was CD1.  Or as I like to refer to it, the official end of the one and only pregnancy I thought I'd ever have the chance to experience.  It was a day spent on the couch watching mindless TV with my husband.  I was fighting tears and hardly able to crack a smile all day.  BJ was there for me but he didn't even realize that my period had started.  I couldn't bring myself to say the words.  It felt like saying those words would make it even more real.  Hearing that my beta had dropped was hard enough but the visual proof of letting that little embryo go was almost more than I could bear (bare?).
May 8, 2012 could not be more different.  I woke up on time, got ready on time and left a few minutes early because I had to get gas.  The gps said I'd arrive at 8:12.  Awesome.  I knew I'd be later than that because of traffic but I thought for sure I had given myself enough time.  The Beltway was moving well and I hadn't really encountered too many issues so far so I was beginning to relax.  And then I hit the slow traffic.  And then I stopped.  And then I was just creeping along watching the gps adjust my arrival time minute by minute.  There's a sign posted that lets drivers know when they will reach the next big turn off.  It's only 9 miles or so and the sign said it would take me 37 minutes to get there.  WHAT???  Cue panic-mode.  I was cussing and yelling and on the verge of tears.  The traffic finally lightened up and I got to my exit and parked with about 6 minutes to spare.  Whew!  I checked in and was seated.  That is about the time my bladder filled up completely with the water I had been drinking.  I was in agony.  I asked the receptionist if I could empty a little.  She obliged.  Not 10 minutes later I was in even worse pain.  No sitting position was comfortable.  I had to undo my pants.  I couldn't even get on FB on my phone or play Scramble or anything.  I went back up to the receptionist and she assured me it would only be a few more minutes.  My name was called and I could barely walk.  The nurse said, "you need to go release for about 20 seconds...we can't work with you like that."  Ha ha.  After that everything was much more pleasant.  I received some very surprising news, too.  We actually had 14 eggs!  Ten of them were mature and 9 fertilized.  That donor was amazing, was she not?  The doctor went on to ask how many we were transferring and I confirmed it would only be one.  He said that was good because we actually have one grade 1A (the highest!) embryo that we are going to transfer.  He said the others were at different stages of development and that they will give them 1 to 2 more days to grow before deciding on what to freeze.  He thinks there will be a couple.  My nurse will call me by Friday to let me know what we have left.  Then the picture came up on the screen.  I was amazed at how beautiful it looked.  I told him it was better looking than anything I've ever produced.  He laughed. He mentioned a couple of times how good the embryo looked. (an over-achiever, already?).  Then in it went.  The doctor said that I might feel some liquid "exiting" later but not to worry, that it wasn't the embryo.  I chuckled and said that I don't want to see the embryo until January.  He thought that was funny, too.  I laid there, got my discharge papers/instructions, emptied my bladder the rest of the way (heaven!) and was out the door.  They want me to wait until 5/21 for my beta but of course I'll be testing well before then.  I had no issues getting home, of course, as the traffic had cleared out.

So today, I'm on the couch, watching mindless TV and waiting for my husband to come home from work to sit and cuddle with me.  I can't seem to stop smiling...especially when I look at the picture (which brought me to tears when they first handed it to me).  Today, we will admire our picture of the embryo that we are hoping will attach itself to my uterine lining (which is another thing I hope I don't see until after January).

Thank you all for your reassurances yesterday and all of your support and just for being there for me.  It means a lot to me to have you all following along and cheering us on.  All of your comments on my last post really helped to calm me down.  Now, to make it through the next 7 days or so as I dream, ponder, worry, freak out, break down, rise high and just generally try to hold it together until I test.

Oh, and I leave you with the picture of our embryo:

PUPO - (em)Babies on Board

Let's go back to yesterday...

After my nurse called to move up my transfer I did some googling to find out what some of the terms she used meant.  I wasn't sure what "early cavitation" meant.  It wasn't good news, but it wasn't bad news, either.  I jumped in the shower and headed out.  I never made it to the store to get my Easter stuff.  So I will be out tomorrow with all the other last minute crazies trying to find suitable candy for BJ's and the Little Guy's baskets.  Oh well.

I arrived at the clinic with 10 minutes to spare.  I checked in and waited...and waited...and waited.  I went up to the front desk to see how much longer it would be because my bladder was starting to ache.  The receptionist told me that I could let out 10 seconds worth to make myself more comfortable.  Let me tell you, that was not easy...but I managed it and I did, indeed, feel much better.

I was then called by a nurse that said that Dr. M was finishing up in the OR and that he personally wanted to do my transfer and it would just be a few more minutes!  Hot damn!  My own doctor wanted to do my transfer!  He must be feeling very hopeful about things.  All of a sudden running almost an hour behind (after they asked me to come earlier) didn't seem so frustrating.

I went into the room and undressed and waited for him.  He came in and went over the actual fertilization report with me...5 eggs, 3 fertilized, 1 looks ok, the other looks ok and then one is lagging behind.  He burst my bubble to say the least.  He then recommended that we transfer the 2 best looking embryos.  I agreed.  The lab displays the embryos in the petri dish up on a TV screen, how cool is that?  When they came up on the screen Dr. M said, "well, they both look better than I thought they would according to the report."  That made me feel better...a little.  He checked my lining and complimented me on how great the rest of my anatomy cooperates in these matters.  I said, "I know, I just have bad eggs."  He agreed, unfortunately.  He said, "well, if this doesn't work, come back and talk to me and we'll see what we can do."  I didn't want to utter the words out loud that if this doesn't work, we are done.  I didn't want any negativity yesterday.  It was hard, though.  As I gazed upon the screen at my 2 embabies I knew that they didn't look good.  One was definitely better than the other one but that's not saying much.  He transferred them both and I watched the screen with the fluid going into my uterus.  Under my breath (but loud enough for all to hear) I said, "come on babies".  Dr. M. said that they were placed perfectly and that I did everything humanly possible to make this work.  He said that we need to focus all of our positive energy at the task at hand.  He couldn't be more right.

I left there with my picture and my folder and my instructions for the next few days.  I feel like I'm on more restrictions this time and maybe that's because we did a 5dt?  Or maybe they like to add more restrictions now than they did 2 years ago?  Either way, I have been very good at obeying my orders.  I will say that I truly sympathize and admire all you ladies that had (or are now in the midst of) bed rest during your pregnancies.  It's not easy to stay on the couch all day.  I've been doing good but it was tough with dinner last night.  I like to help when I'm here and normally I do most of the clean up afterward.  BJ sent me back over to the couch like a good husband should.  And this morning he told me that I wasn't allowed to go up and down the steps.  He's so sweet.  When he's not making me feel guilty about spending the money on this IVF.  :-)

I'm supposed to schedule my beta for May 4...MAY 4!!!  That would be 18 days after retrieval.  They are crazy.  I'll know way before then whether or not this has worked.  And with a 5 day transfer why would they wait so long to test me?  Either way, I'll be peeing on a stick well before then...and I said as much to my discharge nurse.  So now we wait.  I'm going to try and not worry about it or stress about it.  I want to enjoy the bliss of knowing that I have 2 embryos in me right now.  Even though they aren't great quality, at least one could still make it, right?  Oh, and the 3rd Amigo didn't make it to freeze which I figured.  And we did assisted hatching on the ones that were transferred.

Let's have 3 cheers for the Dynamic Duo!  Hip, hip, hooray!  Hip, hip, hooray!  Hip, hip, hooray!

Now please excuse me while I try not to think about what is supposed to be going on inside my body.

Quick Update on Transfer

First, thank you to everyone that has commented and offered me reassurances this cycle.  You really have helped me deal with all this craziness.

I have wanted to update several times over the last couple of days but I didn't want to give my fears a "voice", you know?  If I write out all the crazy thoughts and fears that have been trying to make their way to the front I feel like that would be giving them too much power over me.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I took this week off of work.  It has helped my stress level tremendously and I seriously think it has saved my sanity.  I had a nice day with the Little Guy on Monday and then Tuesday was spent at the mall shopping (all for ME!) and getting a pedicure.  Yesterday I got a bikini wax and went to the grocery store with a list a mile long and didn't even feel stressed about it.  I came home and baked cookies and made the recipe on the side of the Chex box for some really yummy snacks.  I laid down on the couch and took a short cat nap with my kitties.  Gizmo laid right next to me and just purred me to sleep.  My boys came home and we sat on the porch for a while and then went to dinner.  I watched the hockey game (that we won in double OT!!) and had a blast stressing about something other than my embabies.  Keeping myself busy with things I actually like doing has been such a blessing.  I have said many prayers for our embabies to just keep growing for me and telling them that I will be coming for them today.

My nurse called me yesterday with my time to report to the clinic - 2:15 for a 2:45 transfer.  I had an "early compacting" embryo, an 11 cell embryo and one that she didn't fully understand.  She said that it was 8 cells on Tuesday and the report yesterday said "no change" but also said "early compacting".  I decided not to Google anything and just enjoy my day as stress free as possible.  As the day went on I got more and more butterflies.  Not the sick feeling but like an excited feeling.  All I kept saying to myself is that I didn't want to hear from my nurse or the lab today...I just want to show up and have my embabies transferred to their new home.

I had some plans for today before leaving for the clinic.  They are an hour and a half away so I have to plan carefully.  With it being a lot of people's Friday (since tomorrow is Good Friday) I was anticipating a lot of traffic to deal with.  My plans changed when my cell phone rang a few minutes ago with the clinic's number showing on the caller ID.  I didn't want to answer it.  My heart sank.  My nurse sounded way too chipper for the news that I just knew was coming.

However, that bad news never came.  All she was doing was seeing if I could come earlier!!  Holy Hell she scared the CRAP out of me.  So now I will be arriving at 11:45 for a 12:15 transfer.  I asked her the status of my embryos and she said that they would be transferring #3 which is an early blast.  Number 2 is early cavitating and #1 is a blast with an inner cell mass.  I will be googling all of that as soon as I'm done here.  I want to be informed when I get there and when I speak with the embryologist.  I called BJ to let him know the news and of course he wanted to know why they wanted me earlier.  I didn't ask why, I was too relieved to hear that my embryos are still viable.  Men.
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I will be doing some googling and then taking a shower and running to the store to get Easter basket stuff that I have totally forgotten about and then heading to the clinic.  Thank you all so much for being here for me!  Please keep the positivity coming...I really need it now.

I am with child....sort of

The evening before my transfer I was a ball of nerves. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and I couldn't even finish my Chimichangas. That is unheard of for me. I love chicken Chimichangas! But I guess I had other things on my mind.

I got up early and got BJ and the little one out the door and started my 80 mile trek. I hardly hit any traffic, thank goodness for Summertime Friday traffic, so I got there about 8:40. I was starving and had to pee like there was no tomorrow. I brought a bottle and a half of water with me to drink once I arrived so that my bladder would be nice and full. I used the restroom and proceeded to eat one of the pop-tarts that I bought. As I sat in the lobby I drank down the 1/2 bottle of water. I decided to go upstairs and wait in the office. I was mystified by the fact that I didn't have to pee yet. With my nerves and active bladder I should have had to go by now. It was 9:05 when I decided I better down the other bottle of water as my appointment was set for 9:30. I still didn't have to go. All these thoughts were running through my head:

- you just HAD to pee when you got here, didn't you?
- how could you have messed this up? they need a FULL bladder to transfer
- what is wrong with you that you don't have to pee after all that water?
- why did you eat that pop-tart? you know it was going to soak up the water!

I was called back at 9:35 and sat in the room and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, I had to pee. I thought for sure I was going to go all over the table before the doctor came in. Transfer was set for 10:00, it was now 5 after...where is the doctor? Are the embies ok? Did they die and no one bothered to tell me? Have they forgotten that I'm in here? I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee!

I loved the doctor that came in to explain everything. She was great and friendly...not too clinical at all. I thought my bladder would pop when the speculum went in. She was impressed with my full bladder. :-) All that suffering was for a good cause. The transfer went smoothly and I even got a picture of my wonderful 8-cell embies. I also found out that the other mature egg fertilized, just abnormally. Apparently BJ's swimmers are determined because 2 of them got in there.

I was put on bed rest for 24 hours and told to take it easy for the next several days. I'm a very good patient so I vegged most of the weekend. Yesterday it just happened to be at a pool party so now I'm sporting a great tan!

My beta is scheduled for 7/24 but I will be POAS before then. I'm not much on waiting for that phone call. Did that with the first IUI and it was torturous. Here's to a quick 2ww!