10dp5dt - Happy Birthday to ME!

Here's the story behind this.

I went to Subway for lunch yesterday and since I know I'm not supposed to eat lunch meat, I ordered a steak and cheese with tomatoes, lettuce and ketchup.  I was eating it and was sure I was not liking the tomatoes.  However, I also convinced myself that I was making that up because I didn't want to like them.  So I just took them off so I'd stop effing with myself.  Then I decided I don't like Subway's ketchup.  I also noticed that my breasts were not quite as sore as they should be.  I was starting to feel pretty down.  I had been up since 4:15 because for the 3rd or 4th night in a row I have woken up unable to go back to sleep.  This should have been a clue as this happened last time I was pregnant.  I was tired, I had a rough day at work and I just wanted to go home.  During the evening I noticed that I was no longer feeling the uterine cramping and my breasts barely ached at all.  I was sinking lower.  Also, this whole week I have not been very interested in food.  Normally, there is something that I could really go for and would love to have.  Not so much this week.  I decided last night that I would most likely test this morning to just get it over with and so I could stop my meds and get my period here quicker in order to start prepping for my FET.  But then I wasn't sure I wanted to ruin my birthday so I didn't get the test ready last night.

This morning I woke up really early again, wide awake and with an aching bladder.  I figured I should just test and get it over with so that I could get on with my day.  I was no longer happily ignorant thinking wonderful things anyway so what difference did it make?  I waited until just before BJ was supposed to get up for work and went into the bathroom.  I took the box into our closet so I could open it quietly.  I peed, wiped and stood up.  I was fully prepared for a stark white window.  When I peeked at the test on the ledge my heart skipped a beat and I could not have been happier.  I stared at myself in the mirror just smiling and whispering "we made a baby".  I was worried about the color of the line because it was lighter than I would have expected right now but it had only been about 2 minutes.  I walked out of the bathroom with the test behind my back and a smile I couldn't wipe off my face.  BJ was awake and looking at me.  I said, "good morning, daddy".  And he said, "did it say you're pregnant?"  I showed him the test and he said he couldn't see it, he needed his glasses.  He looked at it and said, "it told you that last time and you got all excited.  I hope it's real this time."   I agreed with him but you know what?  Today is my birthday and I'm happy and I'm going to stay happy about this.  I snuggled with him for a few more minutes and when he got up he looked at the test again and said, "there's definitely a line there this time.  Last time it was pretty light, remember?"  Then I looked at it again and saw how dark it was and I was even happier.  I know not to count my chickens before they hatch.  I'm not rushing out to by a crib, but I'm going to relish the fact that there is a life in me right now and be happy and giddy and hopeful.  I need to schedule my beta for Monday and that will be a pretty good indicator of where we stand, at least for right now.

BJ said he was worried about it being negative and completely ruining my day.  I told him that I was dreading testing and just wanted to get it over with and if it was negative, I'd be able to get drunk tonight.  :-)  Right now, I'm drunk on happiness.

PS - I pulled up the picture of last year's BFP on 10dp5dt on my phone and today's line is SO much darker than that line!!

One Year Ago - Part 1

One year ago today I peed on a stick and saw a beautiful 2nd pink line staring back at me. I just knew that cycle would work. I was calm and collected, for the most part, through the whole thing. I couldn’t have been happier. I was giddy, I was dreamy eyed, I was hopeful. I was also a little scared. I had never seen 2 lines before. Not once in 10 years. I remember climbing back into bed and showing BJ the test and explaining what the 2nd line meant. He was my negative nelly. He said he’d believe it more when the doctor told us it was true. Deep down he knew we were pregnant but I think he was afraid, too. He was mostly afraid for me. He told his sister that he’d never seen me like that...as in floating on air and blissful. Not that I spent my days walking around bitter and resentful and sad and gloomy all the time, but he definitely noticed the spring in my step. He wanted it to be true for me more than for himself, I think. He didn’t want me to get hurt. He liked the sparkle in my eyes.


May 1, 2011 marks the day my life was changed forever because I finally experienced what it felt like to be a Mother. I thought about nursery decorations and how we’d tell special people and when we’d tell them. I thought about finally being able to use the name(s) I picked out so long ago. I worried that everything was ok in my uterus. I had actual symptoms of the pregnancy and not just phantom symptoms that were brought on the extra progesterone and estrogen. I couldn’t eat tomatoes for crying out loud and I was only 4 weeks (2 weeks gestational) along. It was an amazing feeling to know that we had finally succeeded. I was finally pregnant and I was going to be a Mother. The joys I felt cannot be put into words. It was also a relief. We had finally spent our money on something good and not just thrown it out the window. No more trying, no more needles, no more monitoring. Our last ditch effort paid off. I was on top of the world one year ago today.

May 1, 2012 could not be more different. I received an e-mail from my nurse earlier with the good news that our donor will be triggering tonight and retrieval is set for Thursday morning. BJ has to be there with his sample at 10:30 so my guess is that retrieval will be an hour or so after that. That is how it usually worked for us before. Her E2 level is 3986. She has 46 follicles (holy crap!) with 18 of them being measurable between 15mm and 20mm. She must be so uncomfortable right now. I’m hoping that we get at least 12 mature eggs but my guess is that we’ll get around 14 or 15, which is still awesome and plenty to go around. I hope she doesn’t suffer from OHSS. I would feel horrible. My nurse said that the donor has to come back in tomorrow to make sure she did the trigger shot correctly (gulp...that’s scary) and if she did then we are all set. Transfer will either be on 5/6 (day 3) or 5/8 (day 5). There is a small chance that it could be pushed to 5/9 depending on how everything develops. I am to continue my Delestrogen every 3 days and if the donor does the trigger correctly, I will begin my PIO shots tomorrow night. Wow. It’s really here (well, almost). Just a couple of more hurdles until an embryo will again be placed in my uterus. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m a bit scared. I’m giddy. I’m dreamy eyed.

I guess today is not really different than one year ago, is it? The feelings are actually pretty similar. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I cannot thank you all enough for being with me on this journey. I have made some pretty good connections and received some great advice and wonderful support. I do not know where my emotions would be if I didn’t have y’all to vent and cry to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following along. It means the world to me that there are perfect strangers out there willing to help and encourage and cheer me on. I hope that things continue to move forward and that this cycle works and that I get to share a pregnancy journey with you.

11dp5dt - Really Scared Right Now - Updated**

**Going for my beta at 8:30 tomorrow morning.  My nurse said that if I had talked with her yesterday she still would not have let me come in today.  She also said that the results would be in around 1:00 and she tries to call all the beta patients first.  So by this time tomorrow I'll have my first number.  I'm sure they will want to do another one on Thursday or Friday.  I called my OB/GYN's office to reschedule my annual exam.  The receptionist said that if I get a good number tomorrow to call them and schedule my first real appointment.  She wished me luck.  It was so surreal to have that conversation and to talk about how "far along I am".  Me.  I had a phone conversation with BJ earlier and we were talking about gas prices and I how I'm pissed at our government for letting oil companies do this to us.  He said, "don't get yourself so worked up...you're pregnant."  Wow...strong words to hear out loud.  I couldn't help but smile big and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  I'm still feeling all the twinges and "full" in my ute area and I'm hoping that is a very good thing.  I am going to enjoy this feeling right now and just hope and pray for a good beta tomorrow.  I know it will be positive and I'm hoping for it to be above 100 at this point.  I'm not coming to work after the test as we have a meeting at the Little Guy's school in the afternoon.  I will update you guys as soon as I can.  Thank you all so much for your encouraging words.  I hate that IF has ruined us to always think the worst.  I'm going to try really hard to not let that be the case anymore.  I've gotten this far with staying pretty calm and letting my faith carry me through.  I need to try harder to let go of these fears.  You guys help a  a lot.  Thank you!

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Even though I have been trying to be level headed and calm about this...I am in love with the thought that there is a baby growing in me right now.  I can't stop smiling, inside or out.  I keep saying it in my head but have yet to be able to say the words out loud.  And this morning after I peed on my last FRER I was actually excited to turn it over.  I've never really been excited about a hpt before....more like scared and anxious and hopeful.  However that excited feeling quickly escaped my body as my heart sank and I saw that the line was lighter than yesterdays line.  It's definitely there and I don't need a magnifying glass to see it, but shouldn't it at least be the same as yesterday?

I've already been busy googling what this could mean.  Most of it is not good.  There have been a few people where it didn't make much difference but mostly, it's bad news.  One of my bloggy buddies actually commented that one of her tests were lighter several days after the initial positive.  That is encouraging but there's still all the other people that had a bad outcome.  I'm scared shitless right now while trying to stay positive.  That's an odd mix.  All I keep saying to myself and to God is please let this baby stay with me.  I've never been this close, I've never had these emotions before.  I've never felt like a mother until I saw those 2 lines for the first time on Friday.  I don't want this to end.

I debated buying more pee sticks and decided against it for now.  I might change my mind later but for now I can't bring myself to do it.  I called my clinic yesterday but the weekend staff would not let me move my beta up.  They said I had to ask my nurse today.  So I have a message in to her and I'm waiting to hear back on whether or not I can come in tomorrow.  I know it's only 1 day earlier but it's 1 day earlier.

BJ asked me this morning if the test was the same as yesterday's and I told him yes.  I didn't lie, it's still a positive test.  I didn't want him to start his negative thinking.  He does enough of that for 4 people.  I need him to believe that this is real as much as I do.  I told him that I was already attached and he asked me, "to the thought or to the baby?"  I said "the baby".  As the words were leaving my mouth my heart just grew with so much love.  He's still very reserved.  Last night before bed he told me that he wasn't going to believe it until the doctor told him it was real.

I woke up at 4:45 this morning unable to go back to sleep.  My mind was racing with thoughts of me having a baby in my uterus right now.  I was thinking about how I haven't had any caffeine since transfer (1 diet soda) and how I really need to drink more milk and we need to keep more fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and things like that.  And then I thought about how I'm a different person now.  BJ and I had a brief conversation last night after the LG went to bed.  I told him that it's not a false positive but that I wasn't sure how to deal with that.  I'm very good at being a sad, bitter, depressed infertile but I don't know how to be excited over a positive test yet.  He hasn't seen much of it except once last night he noticed I had my hand on my belly.  He commented about it and I just said that I've never had a reason to rub my belly and now I do.

I hope I do, anyway.  I felt so blessed when I first saw those 2 lines.  I have prayed for those 2 lines for 10 years.  To finally get them but to have them taken away from me will be too much pain to carry.  Please stick, baby....please.

10dp5dt - OK, Now What?

From this morning, with the brand name test that states it can give you a positive up to 6 days before your missed period.

A little about yesterday:  We were doing some yard work, raking to be exact, and BJ asked me if I should be doing that and I said I wasn't working really hard, mainly just using my arms.  And then I said to him that I was a little surprised that he didn't ask me about it.  He said he didn't know that I tested because I didn't say anything.  Keep in mind that we are trying to talk in code because the little guy is with us this weekend.  I told him it was inconclusive and then he was really confused.  After we were done, the LG went to play with the neighbor and we came inside and I went and got the test with the blue line.  Here's our conversation:

Me - what do you see?
Him - a blue line
Me - what do you see in the other window?
Him - a light blue line...what does that mean?
Me - I don't know
So I had to explain that 2 lines is positive and only 1 line is negative.  I also told him that it was a cheap test and he said that he would be like me and not believe it until I took a good test.  He asked me how dark the line should be and I said that it doesn't really matter, as long as it's there.  He wasn't convinced and neither was I.

I had 2 dreams last night about getting 2 lines.  Each time I woke up I was more and more convinced that as soon as I peed, the window would be blank and it would all be over.  I woke up at 5:30 unable to sleep any longer.  I got out of bed at 6:15 because I had to pee and I knew that I had to get this over with.  So I peed and was scared to turn the test over.  Then I saw the line and I started to lightly cry.  I want this to be real but I don't know how to accept it.  I see how light the line is and I panic that it's not real.  I know too much.  I know words like "chemical pregnancy", "blighted ovum", "miscarriage".  I'm scared but happy...confused and afraid to take this for what it might actually be.  I can't even type or say the P word when referring to myself.

BJ woke up after I got back in bed and asked me if I peed.
Me - yes
Him - and?
I reached over to the nightstand and showed him the test.  Keep in mind, he's blind without his contacts.  He squinted to see it.
Him - that 2nd line wasn't there before you peed?
Me - no, it was blank...and this is the good test.  but I still don't believe it.
Him - what is it supposed to look like?
I put the test really close to his face so he could see the gray writing that explains what the results should look like.
Him - well, that's good.
Me - yeah, I'm not scheduled for blood work until Wednesday...I'm going to go insane before then.

So that's pretty much it.  I now have a 2nd pink line.  I'm still not sure what to make of it.  I'm too scared to admit that it's real for fear it won't be there tomorrow morning.

9dp5dt - Rerun

Very quick update from my phone. I used the 2nd test from the box at 5:30 this morning and got the same faint line. I'm guessing that if this were real it'd be much darker by now. I'm heading to Wally world to get a frer. I read yesterday that the blue line tests are more likely to show a faint line like that than the pink lined tests. BJ knew I was supposed to test this morning but he has yet to ask mr about it. Maybe he thinks it was negative so he doesn't want to start the waterworks. Anyway, I'll be testing again tomorrow morning with the name brand test and that should really let me know my answer. I just wish I could be excited. I'm just really confused. Thank you all for your level headed comments. I really appreciate you keeping me grounded during this limbo dance I'm in.

8dp5dt - This is Different

I know I said I wasn't testing until tomorrow but I couldn't help it.  Let me explain my weakness.  I started getting a headache yesterday afternoon.  The kind I get about 2 to 3 days before my period starts.  I actually still have it today.  I also felt some very different kind of twinges in my abdomen yesterday afternoon.  It definitely wasn't my ovary as it was lower and more centered.  At that point I really didn't know what to think.  Many women complain of the twinges and the pains and for a lot of them it really is their uterus working away at sustaining and embryo.  I am of the state of mind that those twinges are caused from the extra E2 I'm putting in my body to MAKE my lining thicker than usual so of course I will feel it twinging and pulling, right?

On a whim I stopped in at the drugstore on my walk to work from the bus stop.  I bought a cheap store brand 2-pack of tests.  The one that is supposed to be as good as the name brand test that can detect a positive up to 5 days before a missed period.  I didn't use FMU.  I just wanted to put myself out of my misery so that I can get on with my life.  So I peed on that stick.  And after I washed my hands I picked it up and took a deep breath because I KNEW what I would be seeing....nothing.  But that's not quite what I saw.

I was in disbelief and my breath got caught in my throat.  Don't worry, I don't really believe it.  It's a very faint line and you probably can't even see it in these pictures.  It's probably an evaporation line or the last of the HCG exiting my body or the by product of a very cheap test.  However, I can't help but wonder if it's real.  My heart is wanting to jump all over and do cartwheels but my head is strapping my heart down in a straight jacket at this point.  I don't want anyone getting too excited over this.  I just was so shocked to even see that faint of a line that I had to share with all of you.  I've never even had an evap line to get excited over.  I've only ever seen the blank white window staring at me.  So now I am even more anxious to get tomorrow's test over with.  I need to get out of this limbo pattern so I can figure out the rest of my life.

Please don't send me comments with encouragement to believe this.  Please send me level headed, let's wait and see comments, ok?  My fragile emotional state will not be able to handle anything else.  And I might be the only one seeing this second line anyway.  I just checked it again (it's been about an hour since I tested) and it's so light, at 8dp5dt it should be much darker if it's a true positive...I'm sure it's just an evap line or a bad test.