Thanks for the B-Day Gift, AF/Other Stuff

As you can probably guess from my title, AF showed her bitchy face on Tuesday. That means that I had a 25 day cycle. Another "off" month. I guess the norm for me now is just whatever the hell my body wants to do. Stupid body. And stupid AF for showing up on my shopping excursion on my birthday of all days. But it is what it is, right? I was actually pretty hopeful this month because I wanted that big surprise moment when I realized that we weren't paying attention to anything this month and this is THE month that it happened...right at my birthday and our anniversary (today). But of course, this month is no different than any of the other months over the last 9 years. *sigh* The plan is to temp this cycle and get back on track with that. I forgot to order my opk's so I'll just be temping this time around. At least I'll be able to pin point ovulation better.

I did some shopping for the house on Tuesday and spent more money than I should have but I actually bought most things on a pretty good sale. I'm having my pampered chef party on Sunday and I needed to make the house look more "homey" as I have a lot of blank walls right now. I bought a really cool clock for over the fireplace and some pretty things for the mantle. It still needs more, but it's a good start. I also got some pictures to hang in the bathroom and some candle stands and candles for around the big tub. I feel pretty good about my purchases. I will post some pictures of the rooms before and after once we get everything together. My parents have been bugging me for pictures because all they have seen are the empty rooms right before we moved in. There's not much to look at until we decorate and I've been slow to get that done. Partially because of money and partially because of the time it takes to pick things out. Mostly because I get overwhelmed at the stores and don't have any confidence in my taste or my ability to pull a room together.

I have been searching for a new bedspread set for our bedroom for months. I found one that I really like. I was going to buy it because I thought it was on sale but then I couldn't find it on the floor. I asked the sales lady about it and she went to look in the back. Can you believe my luck? They were out of it. Then she tells me that it's going to go on sale Thursday or Friday...for 1/2 off! So I will be taking a walk tomorrow to the store downtown to see if they have it in stock. If not, BJ will be making a trip (he doesn't know this yet) to a mall near his job site to get it for us (ME). I can't wait to get it. The only problem is that part of it is white and that is the area that my beloved kitty lays. I will have to figure out a way to make sure she doesn't dirty the pretty white. I was thinking of getting a white sheet and laying it down each morning and hopefully she'll actually lay ON the sheet and not NEXT to it. Then, if I know people are coming over I can pick the sheet up and they will see only a clean white bedspread. Once I get this bed set I can finish decorating my bedroom. I had originally wanted to do chocolate brown and spa blue (like my master bath) but once I saw this set, I had to have it. I would tell you to look it up online at Macy's (it's the Olivia set) but the colors do not look anything like the online picture. I will post some pictures once the room comes together.

Our shed is getting delivered tomorrow morning. YAY! The 4-wheelers and the lawn mower will be gone and we can actually organize the garage! BJ and I are taking off together to get things straight before the weekend hits and we get tied up with baseball and house cleaning for the party on Sunday. The plan is to do some yard work, too. I want to move the azaleas the builder planted and put something with more color out front. We'll see how far we get.

It's our anniversary today. We've been married for 3 years. We have the Little Guy tonight so we'll be grilling at home. Today is the day we became a family. Not exactly the family I had envisioned, but a family nonetheless. We went out to eat at Outback for my b-day so we decided to eat at home tonight in the interest of trying to save money...since I spent so much on Tuesday. :-)

I'm trying not to dwell on the failure of this cycle. It's not easy when I'm reminded all the time that I'm not a mother. I was watching Cougar Town last week and almost broke out into tears. The tears welled up but they never spilled over. If you watch the show, you'll understand why. Jules' son graduated high school. He was selected to give a speech at the ceremony. The speech was mostly about how great his dad is/was and no mention of the sacrifices from his mother or all the things she has done for him etc. He told her that he wrote the speech like that to make his dad feel good about the father that he was (he is not a good dad and is pretty much a screw up from the top down) and to boost his ego and make him feel like he really helped him (Travis, the son) become a better man. Then Travis says to her that he's glad she understands and that he cherishes the mom she was/is to him and how she is always so great and how much he loves her. They hugged and it stung me like a hot iron. I told BJ that that scene made me sad. He said that it should make me happy. I said to him, "no...I want that". And I do, and I'm afraid I will never have that. I'm afraid I will never have a child love me that much and say those wonderful things about me. I'm afraid there will be no one to know the sacrifices that I'm willing to make. I'm afraid that there won't be a child that will know that I would walk through fire for him/her. A mother/child bond is so strong and I'm afraid I will never get to experience it. And that really scares me. I've always had that to look forward to and now I feel it rapidly slipping out of sight. I HAVE to get pregnant...I just HAVE to.