CD1

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I don't have good news to report. All of the emotions running through my body right now are making it difficult to string a coherent post together but I will try.

I was having anxiety yesterday waiting for the spotting to start...or for full blown AF to show up with her arms flailing announcing her visit. It was to the point where I was really starting to believe that we might have gotten our miracle. But at the same time I was terrified and I don't really know where that emotion came from. As the day wore on I was sinking lower and lower. And I guess that's when I really knew that she was on her way.

On the bus ride home I was talking to BJ on the phone and told him that I started my sneezing habit back up. For some reason when I was sick over the last couple of weeks, I quit sneezing. Well, it started again yesterday. When I told him that, he asked me if had started anything else. I told him no. I told him that I thought it best (for me) to not stop and buy a test because I knew as soon as I did, it would show up. He agreed that we would just continue to wait.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom and wiped and stared at the TP for a good 30 seconds before I started crying. There was spotting. It was red. It was enough to know that I had failed again. I cried for a good 5 minutes straight. I haven't cried like that over IF since my IVF failed. It hit me hard this month. I guess because of the clomid and the good timing we had and the fact that my period was late and I hadn't spotted yet. All of that stuff fit nicely in the box known as Hope. I had even wrapped the box in a nice ribbon and let myself start thinking about a baby growing in me. It was foolish of me to be so blind and to expect that it could actually happen. I kept the news from BJ as long as I could. The Little Guy was out our house and I didn't want to give him reason to ask me questions and I certainly didn't want BJ to tell me to stop crying for fear of being found out. We went up to bed and I went to the bathroom again. There was enough of AF starting that I knew I'd need something over night. I came out of the bathroom in tears. BJ asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was disappointed, told me he was sorry and we laid in bed holding hands while I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not much better today. I'm in a bad place. I'm tired of all of it. The ups and downs, the temping and charting, the hopes and dreams, the disappointment and the heartache. It's getting to be too much. I'm starting to wonder if I really should just stop this quest and just live my life the way God apparently intended for me to. I'm sure He doesn't want me to be depressed. He doesn't want me to hate my body. He doesn't want me to question Him or His plan. He obviously just wants me to be a wife and step mother and call it a day. I mean, after 9 years you would think I would get the hint. I'm not a stupid person, I can learn a lesson. It has just taken a really long time for me to learn this one.

And I have to put on a happy face today as I am going to lunch with the other support staff in the office to celebrate Administrative Professionals Day (Wednesday). Our bosses are out of town so we are going to lunch together. I'm hoping it will be a good distraction and maybe even perk me up a bit. Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Especially ones like today where it's sunny and in the mid 70's. Maybe once I get outside and enjoy the sun my mood will rise. I hope so because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now so the only way I can go is up, right?