CD 1

My period started this morning.  And wouldn't you know that I was supposed to have my annual exam this afternoon?  The doctor's office has rescheduled with me twice and I was afraid of this happening.  I made my first phone call to my OB/GYN to reschedule.  She's not free to see me in the office closest to my house until May 3!  My next phone call was to my nurse, Crystal.  I left her a message letting her know that today is day 1.  She should be calling me soon to tell me to start my bcp on Saturday, CD3.  This is really happening...like now.  By the time May 3 comes around I will probably be in my 2ww.  Not sure I will be keeping that appointment.  Probably not a good idea to have a pap when I'm trying to create a great place for a baby to grow.  We'll see.  I'll ask Crystal when I talk to her this afternoon.

I will admit that I was still hoping for a miraculous conception.  My period wasn't late or anything but the only sign that I had that she was coming was a headache Monday night.  I pretty much chalked that up to all the driving I did.  My moods have been pretty mellow, I haven't been overly tired, I don't feel bloated...although my boobs have been hurting since Saturday...but that could mean either pregnant or not....I was going with the former.  Silly girl.

I was happy to see AF arrive, but I was also scared.  We are doing this.  We are spending the money (as dumb as it may be right now) and we are moving forward.  I'm going to be giving myself shots in a little over 3 weeks.  The roller coaster ride has officially begun.

In other news...our neighbor (he has 3 boys and he loves sports and he's really good at sports) is going to be the Little Guy's little league coach this year!  Yay!  I think the LG will learn a lot from him and in a positive way.  They will have practices at the elementary school that is about 2 minutes from our house.  Double yay!  The first practice is this Saturday from 1:00 to 3:00.

My boss's last day is tomorrow.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.  She's been driving me nuts these last 2 weeks trying to get all of her personal electronics straightened out and figured out.  She is very e-challenged and has always been able to just call me into her office when she needs help.  Not anymore.  I'm worried about her.  I've gone over her new cell phone with her and taught her some basic stuff.  She needs to get her phone numbers transferred over and that should be it.  Her office is a mess because she's cleaning stuff out.  My new boss told me today that he wants to have a sit-down Monday to go over a "bunch of things."  I.can't.wait.  Change is inevitable but sometimes it really sucks.

I offered up a peace offering to my co-worker from my last post.  She loves canned coke so I bought her one and left it on her desk with a little note that apologized for being 'difficult'.  She gave me a hug and said that she just wants 'the old TeeJay back'.  I smiled and thought to myself...'yeah, there's a lot of things I wish could be the old way'.  So we are fine for now and things will be so busy for me in the near future that I don't think I'll have time to 'not be nice'.  I'll be focused on work and on my upcoming IVF.  Not much room for anything else.

I have more to blog about but I'm a bit pressed for time right now.  I do want to let everyone know that I'm reading your blogs, I'm just not getting many comments in.  I've figured out how to "like" a post from my iPhone so I have been doing that a lot.  Please know that I am reading and rooting for you and my thoughts are always with you.  You guys are the greatest therapy a girl good have.

It's Official

My period has officially started.  I had another dip in my temperature yesterday morning to one tenth below the cover line and this morning it was back down to 97.8.  I knew she was coming but it still sucks.  I'm not too crampy yet so that's good.  I had McD's for lunch to comfort myself.  Now I feel "blah" and mad at myself after being so good this week (all of 2 days) and going to the gym.  I'll be back in there tomorrow, but today...not so much.

I also had a DIVINE cupcake today.  We get "thank you" gifts from vendors around election day for using their services and we have gotten cupcakes twice this week.  The first one that I had on Monday was chocolate with chocolate frosting.  Can I just say it was sinfully good?  Today's came around about an hour ago.  I had a chocolate one with peanut butter frosting.  Both of these cupcakes were probably 1000 calories but you know what?  They were so worth it.  I've never had peanut butter frosting and you can't go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter.  I'm drooling again just thinking about it.

I'm glad the elections are over.  I won't talk politics here (or in real life, either) but can I just say "wow!"?  I knew the Dems would lose some seats but I thought everyone was over reacting to how bad it would be for them.  Americans voted for change for sure.  The only problem is that with a Republican House and a Democratic Senate and a Democratic President...nothing will get passed in the next 2 years.  It's amazing how quickly the political climate can change in this country.  I voted and I hope you guys did, too.  We might not agree on who (whom?) to vote for, but voting is one of the most liberating things we, as Americans, can do.  Rah, rah, rah.  Ok, that's enough.

BJ and the Little Guy played video games for about an hour after dinner last night so I took the time to work on some scrapping.  Instead of doing laundry.  I got 6 pages mounted!  I'm slowly working my way through all the Christmas time pictures.  I take a lot of pictures at that time of year.  Between decorating, my SIL's party and our Christmas...whew!  My camera gets a work out for sure.  I will be mindful of how many I take this year and opt for more quality pictures than quantity of pictures.  I have a crop to go to on 11/13 for the day and I'm very excited to go and get some more work done.  I will actually need to print out some pictures to work on and that's fun...looking back and doing some editing and then getting them printed...good times.  I'm even dabbling in the digital side of things.  Talk about time consuming, but it's fun.  The possibilities are almost endless.  If I weren't so worried about putting pictures of the Little Guy on here I'd post some of my work.  Not that it's great work, but I like it and it's something tangible that I can be proud of.  I'll think about it.  Maybe I'll make it password protected or something.  I'll have to see.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride

The title of this post does not refer to my inability to get married. I am married. I'm actually on my 2nd marriage. The title of this post is what I am feeling today about step-parenting.

I have written before about how I find it hard to be a step-mother. In my experience, it's even harder to be a step-parent while TTC and suffering through IF. This may not be the case for everyone in this situation, but these are my feelings.

As many of my long time readers know, I love hockey. I have sucked the Little Guy and BJ into my world. Of course, they aren't as into it as I am, but I'm still working. I have a tradition of going to the home opener each year. I've only missed a couple in the past 16 years. The Little Guy and I have gone twice as BJ does not like crowds (he's a party pooper on that front, for sure) so now it's our little tradition. Tickets went on sale this morning at 10:00am. I checked with the Little Guy's mother because of course the game is on a Saturday night when she has him. She sent me an e-mail back telling me that I could take him but that they had just been invited to a local campground that weekend so I'd have to pick him up from there. I knew then that there was an issue.

I asked the Little Guy what he wanted to do, camping or the game. I did not want him to feel pressured in ANY way so I gave him time to think about it. He seemed torn. Well of course he is, he's only 9 and loves camping and loves going to hockey games. I called him at daycare this morning to get his answer. He said that since we are going to the Caps Convention (really cool event with the players and staff) that he'd like to go camping. He then said that he didn't want me to be sad. I almost lost it right there. I composed myself and told him that I was fine with his decision and that I was glad he picked what he really wanted to do and that I'd see him tonight. He seemed ok when we hung up. I wasn't. I cried right at my desk. I'm tearing up now as I type this.

He chose his mother, which he should do. And now I feel like chopped liver. It just stabs home the fact that I will never know what it's like to be first choice. I will always come in 2nd or 3rd and not know what it feels like to be #1 in a child's life. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I had told BJ that whatever the Little Guy decided, I was going to the game, even if I had to scrounge to find someone to go with me. Yeah right. Without the Little Guy by my side it just wouldn't be the same. My heart is aching right now because as much as he likes going to games with me, he chose another option. And I don't blame him for that. It's hard to come from a broken home....I've lived in those shoes as a child and it sucks. So I will suck it up and make sure that he has no guilt over this because that is the last thing I want. But my heart is breaking. It's so hard to be so attached to a child that is not my own. And I know he loves me, but he's a child. He doesn't understand all this grown up drama that happens in my head and my heart. I don't want him to know because then he would have guilt. I know he would feel terrible if he knew I cried about this. He's a sensitive child that way. So I will keep my pain inside. I might try and talk to BJ about it tonight but I don't know if I'll be able to bring it up in a way that he will understand. It might be best if I just express myself here and not at home.

And to make things even worse, today is CD1. Yet another reminder that motherhood has not been obtained. This was a 30 day cycle. A cycle in which FF couldn't even pinpoint ovulation. That is a first. I pretty much know when it happened but I didn't override anything so my chart says I haven't ovulated yet. Nice. Hopefully this next cycle will be a little more understandable.

CD1

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I don't have good news to report. All of the emotions running through my body right now are making it difficult to string a coherent post together but I will try.

I was having anxiety yesterday waiting for the spotting to start...or for full blown AF to show up with her arms flailing announcing her visit. It was to the point where I was really starting to believe that we might have gotten our miracle. But at the same time I was terrified and I don't really know where that emotion came from. As the day wore on I was sinking lower and lower. And I guess that's when I really knew that she was on her way.

On the bus ride home I was talking to BJ on the phone and told him that I started my sneezing habit back up. For some reason when I was sick over the last couple of weeks, I quit sneezing. Well, it started again yesterday. When I told him that, he asked me if had started anything else. I told him no. I told him that I thought it best (for me) to not stop and buy a test because I knew as soon as I did, it would show up. He agreed that we would just continue to wait.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom and wiped and stared at the TP for a good 30 seconds before I started crying. There was spotting. It was red. It was enough to know that I had failed again. I cried for a good 5 minutes straight. I haven't cried like that over IF since my IVF failed. It hit me hard this month. I guess because of the clomid and the good timing we had and the fact that my period was late and I hadn't spotted yet. All of that stuff fit nicely in the box known as Hope. I had even wrapped the box in a nice ribbon and let myself start thinking about a baby growing in me. It was foolish of me to be so blind and to expect that it could actually happen. I kept the news from BJ as long as I could. The Little Guy was out our house and I didn't want to give him reason to ask me questions and I certainly didn't want BJ to tell me to stop crying for fear of being found out. We went up to bed and I went to the bathroom again. There was enough of AF starting that I knew I'd need something over night. I came out of the bathroom in tears. BJ asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was disappointed, told me he was sorry and we laid in bed holding hands while I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not much better today. I'm in a bad place. I'm tired of all of it. The ups and downs, the temping and charting, the hopes and dreams, the disappointment and the heartache. It's getting to be too much. I'm starting to wonder if I really should just stop this quest and just live my life the way God apparently intended for me to. I'm sure He doesn't want me to be depressed. He doesn't want me to hate my body. He doesn't want me to question Him or His plan. He obviously just wants me to be a wife and step mother and call it a day. I mean, after 9 years you would think I would get the hint. I'm not a stupid person, I can learn a lesson. It has just taken a really long time for me to learn this one.

And I have to put on a happy face today as I am going to lunch with the other support staff in the office to celebrate Administrative Professionals Day (Wednesday). Our bosses are out of town so we are going to lunch together. I'm hoping it will be a good distraction and maybe even perk me up a bit. Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Especially ones like today where it's sunny and in the mid 70's. Maybe once I get outside and enjoy the sun my mood will rise. I hope so because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now so the only way I can go is up, right?

28 Days

Thank you to all my regular readers and those that stopped by to comment for ICLW for the kind and supportive responses to my last post. It might not seem like it, but having all of you out there really does help. Even when you say things like "nothing I say will make it better", it makes it a little better. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my suffering. I'm not alone in all these feelings that I have. It also reminds me how the people IRL have no idea what we go through and how we hide it. That's a sad truth that I still don't understand. I don't understand why I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about my "condition". There are millions of women that suffer like this right along with me. I have seen the cover of People magazine this week with Celine opening up about her IVF troubles. I have debated about whether or not I want to buy it. I like her as she has always come across as a very nice person. She finally had a son by IVF but I didn't know she has been still trying. I don't think she was ever secretive about her struggles with IF. I remember reading and hearing about it years ago. I think I may pick it up later today and see what she has to say.

So AF actually showed up in force this morning, cramps and all. I had the slightest bit of spotting yesterday. I told BJ that if this were a few years ago when I was younger and dumber that I would have totally wasted money POAS. But being older and wiser, I now know better than to do that. I'm super tired, which is normal and the 3 motrin I took have diminished my cramps. The positive that I'm going to bring out of this is that I had a 28 day cycle. Not my normal 26 day cycle but given my history of crazy cycles since my IVF, I'm going to take this as a good sign. And by starting pretty much on time, this won't interfere with my annual exam next week AND if everything holds steady, I'll be fertile on the weekend. Although it will be a weekend that we have the Little Guy, it's still the weekend which in and of itself makes it easier to get freaky.

I almost started crying watching American Idol last night. There's a contestant on there that missed the birth of his first child, a daughter, due to his desire to be on the show. It was emotional for him during try outs and they are following his story closely. I almost cried because I want a child to do things for. I want a child to strive to make a good life for. It was silly to get all worked up over it, but my PMS hormones were in full swing. It passed quickly, thank goodness, but it still stung.

And speaking of almost crying while watching TV...I can't believe that the Russian defense didn't show up for yesterday's game against Canada. My Ovie against their Crosby and unfortunately, Crosby's team came out on top. I so wanted the Russians to advance to the semis. I have nothing against Canada...I have actually pulled for their athletes in many of the events...just not hockey. Because I.can't.stand.Crosby. He's one of those players that just rubs me the wrong way. I don't deny his talent...I just wish I could body check him and put him in his place. There are other Russian players that I like besides Ovie...my long lost Gonchar and Federov...and yes, even Malkin. I wish he were on our team. I'll move on because I could talk hockey all day...

Here's to hoping for a short and non-torturous visit from AF this cycle. And here's to making a decision about what to do at my annual exam next week...ask for Clomid or stay mum? I just don't want to give myself false hope any more than I already do and that's what the Clomid will do for me. That and it might make me a loony bird for a few days as it sometimes can. Whatever I decide, I will do it with conviction and determination.

Got My Wish...Well, Not Really

She showed up last night about 8:00 or so. She's here. How I wish she weren't. I don't think I've ever gone that long after ovulation before my period started. Plus, my temp was still above the cover line yesterday morning...just barely, but it was still up. This morning of course it's back down to it's usual 97.7 range. I took some motrin this morning to help with cramps and my new symptom...leg pains. It took me about 6 or 8 months to realize that my knees and hips start to ache really bad when AF shows up or is a day away. I usually just attributed it to cold weather, standing or walking too much, things like that. But the last 3 cycles I have actually paid attention and now I know. She has found a new way to cause me pain. Dumb, mean bitch that she is. I'm bummed and so is BJ. He had the same thought I had the other day...wasn't I just on my period? And to top it off, remember the ex sil that is a baby making machine? Well, she's back up on FB. And of course I read through her whole page and everyone was congratulating her on baby number 8. Apparently her husband now has a job. She's about 18 weeks along so she'll be getting the gender scan soon. I was so down in the dumps after reading all of those posts yesterday. If I could just have a tenth of her fertility...

I guess I need to put the blahs behind me and focus on the one good thing of AF showing up. I had a 26 day cycle. Maybe this is the beginning of good things for me. Maybe this means that my body will be a little more predictable. I have to hang onto to something or I will just sit here and wallow and sink into utter sadness. That's not what I want to do and it doesn't accomplish anything good. I will take this as yet another learning experience along the way. As if 9 years of learning experiences wasn't enough.

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BJ and I decided not to go to Atlantic City. We will be making our first mortgage payment today and thought that it wouldn't be a good idea (even though the room is free) to be going to a casino right now. We are trying to find something fun to do for Valentine's Day, though. It's not a holiday that we normally "do" anything for. I usually get a nice card and maybe some yummy chocolates, but we don't make a big deal out of it. The main reason is because his dad died on V-day so it's not a day he likes to "celebrate". I totally understand that. But at the same time, he understands that it's sweethearts day and he still thinks of me so that makes me appreciate the little things he does even more. I still have not found the time to sit down and create his paper album of pictures yet. I'm going to have to close myself in the room this weekend for maybe an hour each day to work on it.

My SIL is still in the hospital. She's not getting worse, but she isn't getting any better either. They have maxed out on her steroids and her breathing treatments. And yesterday, her respiratory nurse suggested she request to see a pulmonologist. I didn't know she wasn't being treated by one of those. It's pretty bad when your nurse thinks you need additional help that your doctor hasn't mentioned. This hospital does not have a great reputation for the best of care. I tried to call her a few minutes ago and she was getting another chest x-ray so I don't know if the new doctor has been in yet to see her. I'm a little worried now. I was ok once I visited her the first time as I thought she looked good and seemed like she wasn't getting worse. But now that a new doctor has been called in makes me wonder what he will find with her lungs. It's very scary. I'm going to think positive thoughts until I know anything for sure. It would mean a lot to me if you would do the same.

Watch Out for That Bird!

The bird in my title does not refer to the cute little sparrow sitting on your window sill chirping a happy tune in the morning. Nor does it refer to the nasty pigeon or seagull that flies by and drops a nasty little surprise on your new black coat.


The bird in which I am referring to is the one on my right hand...my middle finger. As BJ and I were sitting here watching TV the other night I saw one of those dumb jewelry commercials with the mom rocking her new baby and her husband comes in and gives her a gift for their first Christmas as a "family". Then he asks the question, "do you think she'll remember this Christmas?".


My first reaction was to just raise my hand and flip them the bird. Who decided that a man and woman that are together without a child isn't a family? We have the same last name (not all of us, but most of us I think) and are legally bound together as husband and wife. Is that not a family? I don't know who "they" think they are, but they do not have the right to make us feel like a fake or poser family just because we don't have a child. And that guy doesn't even deserve a baby if he thinks she will remember a Christmas in which she was MAYBE 3 months old. Yes, I realize it's just a commercial and it's just supposed to be all sweet and emotional....but come on. I feel like I should start a coalition of Infertile Families that find these things offensive and start a movement to have all of those commercials removed from the airwaves. People claim "discrimination" all the time. Implying that my husband and myself are not a family is discrimination, isn't it? Ok, so that's probably a little overboard, but you get my point.


I think I will start an Infertile Family line of Christmas commercials, though. How about the ornament that states...."Another Christmas Without a Baby". And how excited a woman would be to open a box and see that her husband bought her another round of IVF or IUI treatments? THAT would be a commercial that could bring a tear to my eye. And what about a husband that hangs his specimen cup on the tree after he decorated it for the holidays? The possibilities are endless, really. We could have a gift exchange amongst ourselves...a year supply of OPKs, a shiny new BB thermometer...some left over HCG.


Who wants to draw the first name out of the hat?


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I am off today and tomorrow. Today is pack and clean day. Everything that we don't need for dinner tonight and everything we don't need tomorrow morning, will be packed and placed by the back door. BJ is bringing home the box truck after work today and we are going to load as much as we can by ourselves. The Little Guy has basketball tonight so we will lose 2 hours there. We are really hoping to get at least the entire shed loaded and all the boxes I pack today. I have to go to the bank later today and get a check for settlement tomorrow. The check I'm getting would almost pay for 2 more IVF's...ugh. Tomorrow morning we will drive separately to the house for the walk through and then go to closing and then unload everything we packed up today into our new house. It doesn't seem real just yet. We will make another trip back here to get anything else we can carry ourselves. He has a bum shoulder right now and I'm just a weakling so all the heavy stuff will be tackled Saturday morning with his work buddies helping. I will be at the house Saturday waiting for the new washer and dryer and the satellite guy and unpacking. The Little Guy has basketball again on Saturday and we are trying to figure out how to get him there with all of this going on. BJ is supposed to ask his ex to take him but I don't know if he will. He doesn't like asking her for things. Then, to top off the day, we have BJ's company party Saturday night at 7:00. Sunday morning the tree will be going up and getting decorated. There will be more unpacking and organizing Sunday after the Little Guy goes back to his mom. By the time Monday morning comes along I'm going to be a walking zombie. The more I think about it, I need to get going and get packing.

And one more thing....today is CD1. Lovely.

CD1 - Again

For about the 96th time, I am on CD1. After my temp drop yesterday and then again today (down to 97.7 I think) I knew the period was coming for sure. And it did. A 27 day cycle. I told BJ last night that if this were several years ago and I was still dumb enough to think I could get pregnant that I would have bought a hpt since I am never late and I always spot beforehand. I did not buy a test because I know how it would have ended. But you don't know how much I was wishing that I had a left over test in the house. I guess I am still dumb enough to believe that I can get pregnant. After all, we timed things perfectly this month. I had the slightest hope that we might have gotten the job done. Why does hope always have to creep in? She is just cruel sometimes. But then again, without her I have nothing. So I keep hoping, and I keep trying. Let's hope that I don't keep failing. Thank you to all of you for your comments and support and your cheerleading...you are great and I'm so glad that I found you. You have helped keep me sane.

On a better note, I have attached a couple pictures of our new kitchen. Mind you, it's a work in progress. The pictures don't do it justice at all. It feels like I'm in a mansion when I'm in that kitchen....which will have appliances and lights by Wednesday of next week! Hell yeah! I'm going to put some brushed nickel hardware on these babies to really spruce them up. Can you believe that we had to pay an extra $110 to have that glass cabinet stained on the inside? Don't you think it should just come that way?

I'm trying to find a new blog template and I'm having difficulties finding something that I like. This new one is not my favorite. I want one that is easy on the eyes. When I work on documents on the computer I have the blue background with the white text...so much better on my eyes. I want to try and find something like that for my blog but I'm not having much success. Any suggestions out there in blog-land?

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

CD1 - Back at the Start Line

I don't have much time but I wanted to post a quick update....

As you can see by the title of today's post, my stupid, mean, heartless, cruel period has arrived.

I had no spotting.
My moods were fine (no snipping or crying).
I had at least 3 nights where I was feeling nauseous.
My temps were staying above the cover line....until this morning of course.
I didn't get a headache until yesterday afternoon....which of course I talked myself into believing it was because of all the yelling I was doing at the TV watching football.
I was supposed to "start" Saturday so it was late...I'm never late, well until last month. I hope this isn't a new trend.

All these things put me right back where I hate being...on the Hope Train. I don't know why I ride it every month. I should know better. But yet, I can't help it. I start to wonder when I should buy a hpt? How will I tell BJ? How will we tell the Little Guy? All these things I dream about and then BAM! Down goes the temp and here comes the period. It's all so f'ing frustrating. When is it my turn? When do I get to spread good news? When do I get to register for baby stuff? When do I get to paint a nursery? When do I get to be the pregnant lady waddling down the sidewalk in the city? There is no answer. There is no timeline. There are no promises of a BFP...ever. But yet I keep trying. I guess the answer I should be seeking is why do I keep putting myself through this? There doesn't seem to be a finish line, just a vicious circle in which I keep running...chasing those 2 lines. Good thing I bought new shoes on Friday.