Welcome to ICLW!

Hi there, and welcome!  I haven’t participated in this event in quite a while.  I’m trying to get back into a regular groove of blogging but it’s been a struggle because I’ve been away for so long.  I have MUCH to say and I’m starting to get my butt in gear but it is very slow going.

You can see my journey over on the side bar but in case you don’t want to trudge through all of that here’s the short(er) version.

It took me over 10 years, 2 husbands, several IVF’s, lots and lots of tears and money but I FINALLY have my miracle Baby Girl.  She is the light of my life and my reason for getting out of bed in the morning.  I’m not exaggerating, either.

This blog is about my life, my daily struggles, my family, step-parenting and basically a place where I come to vent, cry, laugh and appreciate.  I’m contemplating some changes but never seem to have enough brain power to really decide what I want to do with this space.  For now it will remain and I will keep coming here to tell our story.  There is a lot to say.

I have noticed that the blogroll for ICLW is really short now.  I think that may have something to do with Reader going bye-bye last summer.  I know it affected me and how I read and follow blogs so I’m sure it affected many others as well.  If you have a resource to recommend for organizing/storing/reading blogs these days…please share.  I’d love to figure out a better way to stay connected to folks again…on my desktop and my phone.

Thank you for stopping by!

Welcome to ICLW

Hello and welcome!  If you found my blog through the main list then you know that I am currently just over 13 weeks pregnant via egg donor.  You can read a brief history of my journey on the sidebar to your right.  I’ve waited a really long time to get to where I am right now and I could not be happier to be pregnant.  It’s definitely been a long and rough road but I feel like I’m in a good place right now.  Well, except for those moments when I get scared that something has gone horribly wrong.  Thankfully, those moments are not that common.

I am a step-mother to a great kid that I refer to as the Little Guy.  He’s 11 and going in to the 6^th grade this Fall!  Wow!  He’s growing up so fast.  Step-parenting is not easy.  I love it, but it definitely has its challenges.  I write about that from time to time and would actually like to start writing more about it because it is a huge part of my life.

My husband, whom I refer to as BJ, is almost 40 so this will be our only child together.  We tried for almost 6 years to get pregnant and now that we are I’m seeing a new side of him and I really like it.  I can’t wait for him to hold this baby in his arms.  I just know that I will melt.  I melt just thinking about it.

I had my first trimester screening last week and all seems to be well with the baby.  My blood work came back Friday afternoon and my odds of a Down Syndrome child are about 1 in 490.  I was worried about that because the NT measurement was 2.5mm.  I did some research (I can’t stay off the Internet with this kind of stuff) and as it turns out, the time to start worrying would be if the blood work came back with 1 in 250 or less.  We are almost double that so I’m feeling pretty good about our results.  Plus, our donor was 22 and that helps to ease my mind a bit, too.

We attended my husband’s niece’s 5^th birthday party on Saturday.  My SIL pretty much told everyone in attendance that we are expecting and so the congratulations and the hugs were flying around pretty much as soon as we walked in the door.  It was nice, but very strange to be the recipient of such things after all this time.  I almost felt like asking people to whisper or to not to get too excited because it’s still so early…the Infertile in me tries to take away the good moments sometimes.  I didn’t do any of those things.  I talked about my morning sickness that doesn’t happen in the mornings and how tired I am and how I can’t wait for the baby to move and how I can’t eat white meat chicken or green vegetables…it was surreal to say the least.  I mean, here I am talking about MY pregnancy with other women.  I never thought I’d get this opportunity so I’m relishing each and every moment.

I’m just so amazed that such a medical miracle can take place and even more amazed that God has allowed for me to experience this.  I really hope and pray that things keep going so well because I love this baby more than I ever thought possible.

Please be sure to leave a comment so that I can stop by your blog as well!

Happy blogging and happy ICLW!

Welcome ICLW Readers

In the midst of the sadness that has gripped the blog world the last few days, it actually turns out to be ICLW. This community is all about leaving “virtual hugs” through comments and our dear friend Mo and her husband need that more than ever right now. I’m pretty sure she is not signed up so if you can click on this link and just leave her a kind word or two that would be great.


I haven’t participated in ICLW for a very long time. I was not in a very good place and I felt like I didn’t have much to share. Since we have stepped into the world of donor eggs I feel like I need to make some new connections. I would like to meet some new bloggers that I have this in common with. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the bloggy buddies that I have currently. I just need to connect with some women that have walked or are walking this same path.

My story is listed on the side bar to the right. It’s a bit long but not out of the ordinary in the IF world. I received a phone call from the donor coordinator yesterday that we have passed all of our tests with flying colors! I received my permanent password for the donor database. I was so excited to be able to move forward. When I logged in I was a bit let down to see that only 9 donors were on the list. The reason for this? We have chosen to go ahead with 1:3 donation and I guess the pool is much smaller for that program. Of the 9, BJ and I found 1 that we probably will go with. We were afraid to pick her last night because I know how quickly the pool can change. I also know that we can’t be too picky or we will never get this show on the road.

About the donor: She is 21, blonde, short, blue eyes. She is also adopted but claims to know the full medical history of her bio parents. She wants to be a hairstylist and open her own salon. She was a cheerleader in high school and she’s pretty. One recipient has already chosen her. They need 2 more in order to cycle. BJ and I weren’t sure what to do last night. I don’t want to jump in head first but I don’t want to delay because I’ve already seen 2 donors that I liked disappear in mere hours. I think we will need to talk about this again tonight and make a decision on whether to choose her or to move on.

If you have been in my shoes, how quickly were able to choose a donor? How selective were you? How did you feel after you chose your donor? One part of me wants to select her right now because there are some pretty serious issues that we have with the other 8 in the pool. However, there is a part of me that wants to wait a day or 2 to see if any new selections become available. This is such a huge decision and I just want to make the right choice. Wow, this just got very real and very heavy.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I can't believe it's that time again...time to introduce myself to new bloggers and scope out some new blogs to read.  You can get a brief rundown of my history on my side bar.  It's long and tedious to say the least.  Basically, I've been trying to get pregnant for about 9 years now (2 husbands).  What fun it has been.  NOT.  Well, that's not really true.  The first few months of research and all the extra "relations" and all the hope and expectation was fun.  Along with consuming all my TV time with A Baby Story and shows like that and browsing the baby section at the stores and dreaming of buying little Redskins or Capitals outfits....all of that was fun.  And then the fun wore off and turned to frustration, anger, helplessness, feelings of failure...feelings of not being good enough.  If there is an emotion related to TTC, I've felt it.

With my second husband (who has a 9-year-old boy, the Little Guy) we were able to pursue fertility treatments.  We did 2 IUI's and an IVF.  I had a full fertility work up (I'm guessing it was full) before we started any treatments.  My FSH was borderline high at 9.69.  The doctors did not seem worried as everything else checked out fine with me and BJ (the husband).  The 2 IUI's failed even though I responded well to the Clomid with 2 to 3 good follies and good E2 and P4 numbers..so they said.  We moved on to IVF.  I was on my bcp for too long and was unable to produce enough follies for an IVF.  My next attempt was treated as though I am a poor responder.  I was given mega high doses of gonal-f and menopur.  I might be a poor responder but I am a fast responder.  Back in the day when I was as regular as a clock, I ovulated on day 13.  Those doses made my few follies grow really fast.  I was decreased in dosage and had ganirelix added to the mix.  At the time of retrieval, CD11, I had 5 measurable follicles.  My E2 two days before that was 1001.  I had 5 follicles, 4 eggs with 3 mature.  Two of them fertilized normally and were absolutely perfect at transfer on day 3 of their little lives.  I tested 2 days before beta and knew that we had failed again.

It was the hardest failure for many reasons.  I'm still trying to get over it.  It haunts me almost daily that my 2 little embryos didn't stick around.  I feel pretty jipped in a way.  I put entirely too much trust in the clinic.  They treated me as though I was just like everyone else instead of like an individual with a unique situation.  And when I say unique, I only mean that every patient is different.  Every patient will respond differently.  I'm not like everyone else.  No one wanted to find out why I can't get pregnant.  They just assumed they could do a couple of blood tests and pump me full of medications and voila! - a baby!  I never went in for a follow up appointment.  Mainly because we knew we couldn't afford any more treatments so there was no "next steps" to plan for.  We are on our own now and I'm not dealing very well with it.

I've begun to think that not only do I have bad eggs but that I have low progesterone.  My temps barely rise after ovulation and so I'm wondering if it's now a progesterone problem to add to my other problems that no one can seem to find.  I'm convinced there must be a problem somewhere because I refuse to accept that I'm just not meant to give birth to a child.  At least not yet.

I have a good group of regular readers and commentors that give me good ideas to pursue and things to think about on a regular basis.  I love that I can come here and spill my guts and these women understand.  They know where my pain comes from and although I hate that many of them are still struggling, I love that I know they are here with me.  So thank you, readers and commentors.  I appreciate each and every one of you.

Today, I am 4DPO.  Although due to my slowly rising temps, FF says I'm only 3DPO.  I'm in the 2ww with knowledge that we timed our baby makin' pretty damn good this cycle.  I'm not at the "hoping" point yet, but it will come, as it always does.  And maybe, just maybe, there will be a different outcome for me this time.

I have a funny story to share with you all.  As you know, and for any new readers stopping by, I have a step son.  He's with us 50% of the time and that is pretty much every other weekday and then every other weekend.  I usually take him to daycare in the mornings when we have him.  Sometimes BJ will take him but only once a week or once every couple of weeks.  The Little Guy was with us last night and I asked BJ to take him this morning because I had to come in early.  I got up, made BJ's coffee, the Little Guy's lunch and snack and set his pills out to save BJ some time in the morning.  BJ called me on his way to work and started with "I almost forgot my own son!".  Ha ha!  He said that he got ready for work and was putting his coffee in his thermos when he noticed the Little Guy's pills on the counter.  Immediately, an "oh shit!" came out and he ran upstairs to get the boy up.  He confessed to the Little Guy that he forgot to wake him up and told him to hurry it up.  How funny is that?  If he would have left him there sleeping, I would have asked, as I normally do when BJ takes him to daycare, "how's the Little Guy this morning?" and BJ would have remembered at that second.  What would have been bad is if BJ had left him there and he woke up before BJ could get back to him.  He probably would have opened the front door to look for vehicles and set the alarm off and I'd probably be bailing BJ out of jail on child neglect charges.  Thankfully it all worked out.  I still think it's funny, only because it worked out ok.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Hello to any new readers and those just stopping by to say "hi". You can learn a little about my journey on my side bar over there but here is a quick recap:

I'm 34 years old and I've never been pregnant. I started trying with my first husband when I was 24. No luck and lots of tests and tears and frustration later, and I'm still trying with my new husband. We've been married just over 3 years and threw out the bcp a little over 4 years ago. We've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. I have the elusive "unexplained infertility". My husband has a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship. I call him the Little Guy here. Although, he's not so little anymore. He's 4'8"! I'm only 5'2"...he'll be over my head before I know it. We have him at our house 50% of the time. Being a step-mom is tough and I have begun telling that story a little more here. It also, for me at least, is super tough when TTC a child.

I have bouts of depression. I work through them as best I can. My blog helps me with this in many ways. I try to stay positive and keep things light around here, but it doesn't always end up that way. Putting things down in writing helps me deal with the challenges that IF has brought into my life. I have really bad days and then I have some pretty good days. I try to point out (to myself, mainly) the good things that I have in my life and that usually translates into a "Happiness Is"....post. I haven't done one in a while and I need to get back to it. Work is crazy and I don't blog much (or at all) from home.

Right now I'm in the middle of a cycle. I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday or late Monday. Although, with the ovary pain I was feeling yesterday evening and last night, I think it's a fair guess to say that it happened yesterday. That, and I did the opk again yesterday mid morning and I was still surging. BJ (my husband's name here) and I did the deed Monday night...our best timing (that I can tell) in a while. Fingers crossed that I can get this Miracle Baby conceived!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon when a co-worker went into my boss's office. He said to her "I got the green light from my wife to spread the news...we are 4 1/2 months pregnant!" He then went on to say that they waited extra long to tell people because he's 40 and she's 37 and they wanted to make sure that everything was normal. It is and so now he's telling folks. Lovely. And as if that weren't bad enough, many of my readers will remember the Honeymoon Baby from a set of neighbors that were "pleasantly surprised" by their pregnancy. Then I was hit with the people right next door to us expecting a March baby. They hadn't been using any b/c for over a year and now they are pregnant with their 3rd child. Drum roll please....another set of neighbors is having a baby. A couple that we met at the Little Guy's baseball game is pregnant. She has a boy that is 7 and a girl that is just over a year. He has an older son, mid-teens or so. And now they will have a baby of their own. BJ came in last night from washing his truck and told me that Jack, the neighbor, stopped by and gave him the news. Jack said (and this is what BJ said the last time), "there must be something in the water in this neighborhood." And then BJ said to him, "well, TeeJay sure hopes so." So now he knows that we can't get pregnant. You know those signs people put on their windows so that firefighters know you have a cat or a dog that they will need to save in case of a fire? Well, I think I'm going to get one that says "An Infertile Lives Here" and maybe people will quit sharing all their happy news. I'm just bitter because it was 2 announcements in one day. I am happy for the people, just sad for me and BJ.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. If you are new to the blogging world, I highly recommend it. I have found a great group of women that share in my happiness and my misery and it has helped me so much. Reading blogs really lets me know that I am not alone and that there really are people out there that understand. I hope you have blessed day!

Welcome ICLW'ers! - Take 2

I did some thinking last night and I wanted to do a follow up post to my post from yesterday.

After thinking about it, I decided that I sounded very self absorbed and insensitive when I made it out to sound like unexplained IF is harder on a person than having an actual diagnosis.

I didn't mean to come off like that. I think that ANY type of IF sucks ass. And NONE of it is easy to deal with. Not being able to get (or stay) pregnant is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and her partner. No matter the reason.

I was trying to point out that I feel jipped by my diagnosis. I feel that there IS a reason but that no one has cared enough to try and find out why. I have not had any blood work done other than CD3 and basic monitoring pre-IUI and IVF. I'd love to know what my progesterone levels are after ovulation. I'd love to know if I have a lining issue. I'd love to know a lot of things but no one (at the time) took the time to do the research on/for me. I was lumped in with everyone else. They just wanted to get me pregnant...not figure out if it's even possible to do so without more help.

Anyway, I just wanted to reiterate that I don't think I'm worse off than anyone else. We all want babies and are having a helluva time obtaining our prize. And the last thing I would want to do is offend someone looking for some support and a kindred spirit.

And on a side note...I spotted yesterday afternoon and evening. And I've been feeling a little crampy. What is THAT about?

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again...time to check out some new blogs and leave some comments and find some new friends. I have conflicting feelings about this time of the month.

I love it because I love having new people check out my blog and making new connections and I also love finding new blogs to read and follow.

I don't love it because it just shows me how many women are out here suffering from infertility...in many forms. And it breaks my heart to read their stories sometimes.

I'm an infertile woman. I've never seen 2 lines. I've been trying to conceive my first child for almost 10 calendar years. There was some time off due to a break up of my first marriage. I've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. The anniversary of which is fast approaching. I have been diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.

But is that really a diagnosis? I don't think so. Would a doctor tell you that you have broken a bone but he's not sure which one? Would he tell you that you have cancer but not tell you where? I don't think so.

We live with this so called diagnosis because it's all we have. My theory is that I have bad eggs. I'm only 34 (just turned last month) so it's not because of my age. And both husband's swimmers checked out fine. I'm a fast responder but a low responder. I only had 5 follicles for my IVF with 4 eggs. Of those 4 only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized normally. The 3rd let in 2 sperm...hence my self diagnosis of bad eggs. We transferred 2 perfect 8-celled embies on day 3. I peed on that stick with such trepidation. The air in the bathroom was so thick I could barely breath. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear every beat in my head. My hands were shaking as I picked up the stick. Deep down I knew that it would be negative but at that moment I was ready to cry tears of happiness. The tears came, of course. They were not happy tears. They were devastation tears. The one line on that test stood for our one last chance at medical help for a baby. The money was gone and we were on our own.

I wish I knew what happened to my 2 embies. I wish I knew if they arrested or if maybe I have a lining problem and they couldn't implant. I miss them every day. I think about where they would be right now had at least on of them stuck around.

So I'm here. And I'm infertile. I'm on CD5 today. I'm hoping my OPK's get here (I ordered them last week from Amazon) before I need them. My cycles have been a bit unpredictable since my IVF last year. Not sure how much of that has to do with me getting older or maybe my thyroid medicine but that is a whole other topic I need to get into.

Not only am I infertile, but I'm a step-mom to a 9-year old boy known on here as the Little Guy. It's hard but wonderful at the same time. I blog about those struggles from time to time also. He's a blessing for sure.

This post is a bit all over the place and not exactly what I had planned for today but sometimes my mind is all over the place and I just start rambling.

So I'd like to welcome any new readers and also thank my regular readers. You guys really are the best bloggy buddies out there and I always look forward to your comments/suggestions/advice/support. You have really helped me out this passed year and I'm so glad I found you!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

So sorry this is late going up...it sort of snuck up on me this month.

First I want to thank everyone for the birthday and anniversary wishes. Both days were very nice, even though it sucks getting older...especially when TTC. When I started this journey, I was 24 and now I'm 34 (sheesh!). I started out thinking that I have plenty of time. That is what I would tell people when they asked about my baby plans. Slowly, the time started passing. Then it passed not so slowly and now it seems to just be flying by.

I've been ttc my first child since August of 2000 with my first husband. We never had any good luck and we both checked out fine. He now has 2 little girls and I'm still without, so it's pretty much a guarantee that I was/am the problem. I have had 2 IUI's and an IVF with my new husband and we still have no baby. We also don't have the chunk of change needed for any more treatments. And that, my friends, is the suckiest part of all of this.

So we move on, and we keep trying for a little while longer. BJ (as my husband is known on this blog) is 4 years older than me so he is about to turn 38. He's pretty much reached the end of his rope in the baby makin' journey. He has an 8 (almost 9) year old son and he feels he and the Little Guy are just getting too old. I don't blame him one bit. I didn't want this big of an age gap for me and my child, either. That, and as soon as I hit 35 I'm at the famed AMA that doctors love so much. I think my eggs are already crappy but that has never been proven.

We are just trying naturally right now. I'm temping this month but I forgot (decided to rebel) to order my opk strips to see when I peak. We don't always have the best timing for BD'ing as my husband gets a bit of stage fright when he knows it's "show time" for him and his swimmers. I used to have a great 26 day cycle with ewcm and everything. Since all of treatments last Spring/Summer nothing has been the same. I've ovulated as early as day 10 and have had cycles ranging from 23 to 30 days. It's very frustrating to say the least.

I use this blog to vent, cry, laugh and try to appreciate the good things that I DO have in this life. Like being a step-mom. It's not easy, but I would not give it up for anything. I try to be positive and upbeat but sometimes it's just not possible. I suffer from bouts of depression. I try my hardest to recognize my sinking moments so that I can pull myself up. Again, sometimes it's just too hard and I need a pity party before I can move on. I have found the greatest band of support any infertile (or fertile) girl can ask for on the blogosphere. If you are just a reader and not a writer, try crossing over. You will be amazed at the support and understanding you will receive. I love my blog and my followers as much as I love reading other blogs.

So thanks for stopping by and reading and/or saying hello! I love finding new blogs to follow and new friends to lend support to.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again, already. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome any passers by to my blog. It's a little all over the place sometimes even though I try to keep myself organized. You can learn about my (long) journey on my sidebar but I'll give you a quick recap:

I'm 33 (almost 34) and I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step son that is almost 9. I call him the Little Guy. My husband is known on this blog as BJ and he's great. I've been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and with my first husband. There has never been a diagnosis of why I can't get pregnant. It's one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and at times I really feel done with all of it. BJ and I have undergone 3 fertility treatments. I had 2 IUI's (medicated and monitored) and an IVF. We have nothing to show for it except depleted funds and disappointment. We are out of money and out of options and almost out of time. BJ is almost 38 and he's about ready to throw in the towel. I don't blame him a bit, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know how not to try and hope and plan for a pregnancy every month. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, I'm on CD29 with no visible signs of my period yet. I'm a spotter and I'm not spotting. I didn't spot for a long time after my IVF but recently picked that habit back up. I'm a little bloated, a little gassy, a little testy, a little sensitive....nothing too out of the ordinary. I haven't been temping because I was wicked sick about 2 weeks ago and wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time so I decided to just skip it. I took 50mg of clomid this cycle (prescribed by my regular ob/gyn that I had to almost beg for) to give me a sense of being productive and I ovulated from what felt like both sides. I usually have a 26 day cycle. Things have been a bit wonky since my IVF...23 days, 28 days, 27 days, 26 days...you get the picture. I thought for sure that I was out this month as of this morning. I got off the bus (I commute via a commuter bus in to DC for my job) and immediately felt a wetness between my legs. I almost sat down on a bench and started crying. However, the amount of wetness prompted me to walk faster so that I could get to the bathroom at work. As I'm walking, my eyes are welling up with tears of sadness and frustration. I grab my feminine products and rush to the bathroom. I slowly pull down my pants and much to my surprise...it's not red. It's not even brown. It looked like just regular cm that I see before ovulation. So then I did my business and fully expected to wipe and see some sort of color. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So I live to see another day, or at least another trip to the bathroom before my hopes are dashed.

Last night while we were making dinner, BJ asked me..."so did you start bleeding yet?" And I told him no and that I haven't seen any sign of it, either. And then I followed up with the comment that of course now that I said it out loud I'd start, and he agreed with me. See, we both have such positive attitudes about all of this. :-)

That is where we stand right now. Oh, and for those of you that are new or just stopping by, I try to keep things positive around here by recognizing certain things every couple of days or so that bring me happiness. It's so easy to lose ourselves in grief and depression (that's me for sure) that it helps me to sit down and list a few things that make me happy. I call these posts my Happiness Is posts. There will be one a little later today as my husband did something very sweet for me yesterday!

Thanks for stopping by!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I can't believe it's that time again! That's a phrase I use when my period is about to start. "Wasn't I just ON my period?" I ask myself. The time really flies sometimes.

So a little about me...I'm 33 and I live in the NE region of the US. I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step-son that is 8. He's with us about 50% of the time. I have been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and married to my first husband. I suffer from unexplained infertility. It's very frustrating to say the least. My first husband and I did not seek any medical help as I have no coverage for the procedures. I still don't have coverage but we managed to save money (via tax refunds, over-time, paid out comp days and a little help from my parents)for 2 IUI's and an IVF. Obviously I failed at all 3 of them. I recently spoke to a new doctor that believes that I suffer from DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) as evident from my poor response during my IVF cycle. I had 5 follies, 4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilize normally and 1 abnormally. I transferred 2 beautiful grade 1 embryos in July and came up empty handed. It was our last best hope.

We are trying naturally again...temping, peeing on opk's...you know, all the stuff you do when you first start out trying before you think there may be a problem. We've had no luck. I've never seen 2 lines. I'm not sure that I ever will. But for now, I'm trying. The doctor that I saw in October knows another doctor (not with my clinic) that would do an IVF for quite a bit cheaper than my clinic. I'm going to try and get that accomplished by the end of the year. It won't be easy to save that kind of money since we just bought a new house, but I have to try.

I'm in the 2ww right now, actually. My cycles have been a bit wiggy since my IVF. I used to have perfect cycles with at least 3 days of EWCM. Not so much anymore. It's pretty sad how things have changed for me. But still we move forward.

My blog is about my TTC efforts but it's also about my new house and how that has affected my life. I also write about my step-son from time to time and may start doing it more because it's really hard to be a step-mom. I write about my family and my feelings. Some days are good and some days are not so good. But I do try to stay positive as much as I can because I think it's healthier. But you know what? Sometimes it's too damned hard to be positive, so I just be ME.

Thank you for stopping by, it's always nice to know someone is out there reading along!

It's That Time Again

Welcome December ICLW'ers! You can get a quick run down of what has been happening with me over the last 9 or so years on the right side of my blog page. The quick run down is that I'm 33, married, a step-mom to a great 8-year old, been TTC since my first husband, have had 2 failed IUI's and a failed IVF with the new husband, BJ. (I don't use our real names for the sake of some anonymity.) We have been married since May of 2007 but I threw out my BCP in May of 2006. Right now, I'm sort of in a holding pattern...not doing anything medical, just temping and testing with OPK's and trying to time things correctly. I'm not doing such a good job of any of it lately.


I'm not temping because I missed the first few days of my cycle do to moving into a new house (yay!)


I tested with the OPK's but my body has thrown me another curve ball...a very early ovulation...CD9. We missed our window due to very busy schedules and just being tired from everything going on...you know, moving, Christmas, the Little Guy's (BJ's son) basketball schedule...stuff like that.


My cycle hasn't been the same since my failed IVF in July. I used to be very regular and predictable...now, not so much. I'm trying to figure things out but my body is making it very difficult on me. I also think I produce crap eggs but nothing has been proven about that.


You can read a little about my past here, here and here . I have found the online blogging community to be invaluable during these times. I have received so much support and encouragement from my blogging buddies. Not to mention many laughs and even some tears related to their struggles. There is always someone that knows how we are feeling...and strangely enough they know the exact comment that we need to read at that time.


Thank you so much for stopping by...leave a comment so I can check out your blog, too!


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I'm not very P.C so I still say Merry Christmas instead of the generic Happy Holidays. However, for any of my non-Christmas celebrating readers...Happy Holidays! I guess I am still P.C. after all.

Missed the Boat

I ovulated last night. It was CD 10. It snuck up on me and I'm getting annoyed with my body for ovulating so darn early. BJ and I had some adult fun Friday night. Remember that? When you had sex just because you wanted to? The first 12 days of my cycle are a little tricky. I've always been an early ovulator but this is ridiculous. We just wanted to get the "stale" swimmers out of the way to make room for the good ones tonight or tomorrow night. I tested with an OPK Saturday morning and it was negative. Saturday night when I was getting ready for bed, I decided to test just to see...and wouldn't you know it was positive? Sugar Honey Iced Tea! Take the first letter of each of those and you have my response to that nasty little pee stick. I thought I'd still be able to squeeze in some action yesterday before that egg came out. It was not to be. I started feeling the ovulation pains around 7:00 or so. An interlude was the last thing on our minds at that time as I was overly tired for some reason and BJ was annoyed that the computer was not working properly. We ate dinner and then BJ's sister called to talk about Thanksgiving and then football came on. I was more than willing to give it a go, but the fact that BJ knew I was fertile put pressure on him and he doesn't like that. So...we missed another month. I know there is a slim chance that there might be a strong swimmer or 2 left from Friday's interlude, but I highly doubt it. Ugh! Why can't we both be 22 again and full of energy and ready to "go" at the drop of a hat? Because that would be too easy. Now I get to go through the next 2ww with little or no hope. I guess that could be a good thing since we are getting ready to move and I will have other distractions. I look at it this way...last cycle we nailed the timing and got a BFN. Maybe I'll get a surprise this cycle since I'm so sure that we missed that ovulation boat. Keep the hope alive....no matter what.

I also want to welcome any new readers/visitors for ICLW! You can get a little bit of background about me from here and here and here. And I do stress little, there's so much more to me that I want to get out there but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you are new to blogging, know that there is nothing like it. The support is wonderful. I wouldn't know what to do without my blogging buddies. If you just read and haven't yet started your own (that was me a while back) I highly recommend diving in to writing. It has helped me in many ways, not just with my TTC struggles but with other things going on in my life at any given moment. And I can tell you, those moments are sometimes almost too much to handle. But then I come here and I write and I heal. And hopefully along the way I can help someone else heal a little too.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I haven't really done a post to celebrate ICLW yet, so this is my first. Welcome to my blog.

I have to start out by saying that I have the BEST blog readers EVER! They never fail to cheer me up and let me know that I'm not alone and most importantly...that I'm not crazy. They also give me good advice and let me see another side of things sometimes. So a big THANK YOU to my blogging buddies!

Now for anyone new.....I am 33 (sheesh, where does the time go?) and STILL trying to have my first child. I've never been knocked up and at times I think I never will be. I started this journey with my first husband in August of 2000. We only ever tried naturally and were tested and told that we were both fine. I had the best kind of textbook cycle and was so proud of it that I thought for sure we'd have a baby in no time. Not so much. I am now with a new husband that I love dearly and can't believe that I was lucky enough to stumble across. I am a step-mother to his wonderful 8-year old boy, the Little Guy. We have been trying to get knocked up since May of 2006. We have been through 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are back to trying things a little more naturally. We sometimes have issues with timing...neither of us likes the pressure and the Little Guy can make it a challenge to do things on a schedule as well. I've had a pretty wacky cycle since the IVF but I think I'm on the road back to some sort of regularity. I'm charting and using OPK's and hoping for the best. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN that specializes in the diagnosis and management of infertility on 10/28. I'm hoping that maybe a fresh set of eyes can determine a new path. We have no more money for treatments but my insurance will cover anything diagnostic as well as most of any meds. Not sure about ultrasounds due to monitoring unless they are coded as diagnostic and that is kind of lying so I don't know if there will be any monitoring...hopefully some clomid at the very least....just to make sure things happen when they are supposed to.

But that is where I am right now (in the smallest of nutshells). I have my down days and my up days. Yesterday was a down day but I think that today will be an up day. Thanks for reading my blog.