Neighbors and More Neighbors

So I promised an update on my neighbors and now you are going to get it. :-) But first, an update on my cycle.


I'm on CD27 with no spotting yet. Not even a tinge on the TP. I'm not getting my hopes up (too much) because I've had cycles like this in the past. Not very many (with no spotting) but some. I've been squishing the boobs for a few days and they might be showing some signs of PMS, but not too much out of the ordinary. I'm a little bloated, but not too much. I'm a little cranky and a little short tempered, but again, not too much. So, I guess anything is possible at this juncture. I could be on my way to another normal type cycle or I guess there could be a miracle Clomid bean in there. I refuse to get my hopes up for fear of AF starting to gush any moment. I am 14dpo today. That is a nice leutal phase. I can't measure anything by my temps because I quit taking them over a week ago due to being sick and not sleeping much. I also refuse to test. And that refusal only lasts until Friday or I see some spotting. If I make it to Friday without spotting or starting, there will be a hpt bought for the first time in almost a year. On to the neighbors...


Quick recap for any new readers. We had a house built last fall and moved into said house in early December. We met 2 sets of neighbors while under construction. One set lives next to us (S & K) and the other set lives across from us, down a hill (S & M). S & K like to talk a lot, have 2 kids and are very nice. K (the wife) is a chatterbox but is pleasant. She will talk about anything with anyone...no matter how private. I know not to share too much with her. S & M are nice enough, haven't talked with them as much. M (the wife) doesn't want kids as she doesn't particularly see the point. Don't get me started. The day before Easter, we met the other couple and we will call them R and L. They are in their late 40's, have careers and make way too much money. L (the woman-they aren't married) has 3 grown children that live with her. We don't like the son. He drives way too fast in our family-friendly cul de sac without too much regard. Anyway, R stopped by as we were outside the Saturday before Easter. They were having a party and wanted to invite all the neighbors. We accepted. We went over there with S & K as S & M didn't want to go. There was music pumping, people drinking, and a good time being had by all. These people know how to party. It was a birthday party for one of L's girls...she just turned 22 and for her boy that is moving to HI (yay!). Their house is beautiful and looks like a model home on the inside. R is very nice and talkative and ready.to.be.our.best.friend. BJ and S & K start drinking. K is sloshed after one mixed drink. L (the homeowner) is a bartender so she knows how to mix a good drink. I had nothing as we had the Little Guy with us and I don't like drinking around him. We ended up staying way longer than anticipated. We got the full tour of the house. I feel like a pauper after being in their home. But it's all good because I love my house and what we have done with it so far.


As the night wore on, BJ and R talked more and more. And apparently we are now slated to go out on their boat several times this year, go camping with them, go to an O's game with them, hang out in Baltimore with them and get invited over every weekend. I'm glad they are so nice and welcoming, don't get me wrong. However, there is a difference in being neighbors and being bestest friends. I'm not ready for that. We have an 8-year-old...not partying grown children. I have a feeling there will be many things we have to decline to do with them. We went over there last weekend and sat out on their deck by a fire pit. It was very nice. The son was even pleasant to hang out with. There was casual conversation about hydro seeding our lawn and planting trees in the back yard. The next morning, R knocked on our door with a print out from the Internet about hydro seeding and a place we can rent our own hydro seeder and share it. Helpful information for sure, but at 9:30 on a Sunday morning, I'm still in my PJ's and BJ was still drinking his coffee.


So....we have some nice neighbors. And they are very different from each other. And that adds spice to the neighborhood, which is a good thing. But I'm scared of all the socializing I might have to do. And not only that, it doesn't seem that R & L know how to have a good time without alcohol. That worries me. I don't want to go out on the river (especially if we take the Little Guy tubing) with someone that is drinking and boating. I'm very against that sort of thing. But I don't want to become the neighborhood party pooper either. And I don't want to have to have a 20 to 30 minute conversation with my neighbor every time I see them. I'm grateful that nice people live by us, but I'm not ready for the best friend, party all the time lifestyle.


Ok, I'll stop complaining now. Time to find the good things to talk about so I'll be doing a Happiness post, too....to follow up all this pointless griping I'm doing. :-)

Feeling Bland

I'm not exactly sure why (ok, that's a lie) but I'm feeling a bit bland today. I'm pretty sure the period will be starting by tonight or tomorrow. I'm fairly confident that upon inspection of the TP today I saw some definite discoloration. This has really brought my mood down today. That, and I think my progesterone is falling which always makes me blue anyway. My temp was still at a post O level this morning but I'm sure it won't be tomorrow morning.

This sucks. And when I say "this" I mean infertility, sadness, depression, having no baby, working so hard and still having an empty uterus, feeling helpless and useless and beaten, feeling like a failure, feeling like I have nothing to offer the world, my husband or my parents, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the envy the grief. All of that and more just SUCKS.

I just want to cry. And I want the crying to make me feel better. But you know what? It doesn't. Not in this case. The crying doesn't do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. The crying doesn't give me the feeling of "letting it all out" anymore. I used to cry and get it out of my system and then move on to the next cycle feeling ready to fight and determined to succeed. But now, I just feel defeated. I don't have that many cycles left to move on to. And let's be realistic, the chances are basically zilch that we will succeed on our own. Unfortunately, no matter how much I cry to God, that fact is not going to change.

I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to stop paying attention to my fertility signs. Sure, I can stop temping and charting. But that won't stop me from noticing the changes in my CM and the hormonal surge that happens to me at O time. And that won't stop me from marking on the calendar when AF is supposed to arrive because I like to be prepared and make plans and I need to know when I'll be ragging in order to make said plans and be oh so prepared for her. I don't want to give up. I don't plan to give up right now. But there will come a time when enough will be enough. My husband is almost there. My time is running out. Heck, according to my poor response and the failure of my embies to implant, my time is already up.

I'm going in for my annual exam next week. The doctor I consulted with in October never called me back so I was going to ask my regular doctor for some Clomid. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to do that. I might just ask her for some advice on birth control. I just don't know what to do. I don't know the answer. I don't know my path. I guess I'm not listening hard enough to what God is trying to tell me or where he is trying to lead me. I feel lost and confused and I don't have a GPS to help me find my way. I'm dreading going in to see my doctor. The last time I saw her I was getting ready for my first IUI. I know she'll ask me about babies and birth control and I don't know how I'll respond to her. She's very quick and efficient so it's not like I have a lot of time to sit and chat with her.

I didn't intend for this post to be such a downer but once I started on this path it just sort of flowed out. That's why I'm glad I have this blog. It lets me express myself in ways I can't IRL. Most people that I know don't want to know how sad I am on the inside. They want to believe that I am living happily with no need or want of a baby. They are so very wrong...but I am obviously a very good actress because nothing could be further from the truth.

All Over the Place

I really feel as though I need to wear one of those drama masks with the sad face on one half and the smile on the other half. This infertility thing is a real bitch. It just never goes away. It weaves itself into every aspect of my life nearly every day. I try not to let it affect me but some days it's just too overwhelming.

I was off yesterday and BJ took off so we could hang out together. We went to the new house so I could see our kitchen cabinets in person. They took my breath away. So much better than the pictures he showed me. Although it did reiterate to me how short I am and that I will definitely need a step ladder if I want to reach anything higher than the second shelf. We got a call from the contractor stating that we are scheduled to move in a week earlier than originally planned. How awesome is that?! We will now have 2 weeks to get settled and decorated before Christmas. It made my day. That is the happy side of my face.

The sad side of my face comes from the realization that I should be going in to get my 20 week u/s from my IVF. BJ and I would have probably gone in yesterday since I was already off and we knew he was taking off work. We should have been going out to buy a few pink or blue (or both) items of baby clothes after the appointment. It amazes me how much time has gone by since that BFN result. I should be feeling kicking inside. I should be wearing maternity pants and shirts.

Instead, I'm sitting here as happy and as sad as I can be. I don't know what it feels like to miscarry so I would never compare my situation to anyone that has been through that. However, I feel like I lost 2 babies. I had 2 perfect embryos and then I didn't. They were alive when they were transferred and then they weren't. I had life in me and then I didn't. And no one can tell me why. I can't believe it's been 20 weeks (only 18 since transfer, but the docs always add the other 2 from the beginning of the cycle). I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe that I may never have that chance again.

I saw a very tiny bit of spotting Tuesday. I haven't seen any since. My temp dropped this morning to 98.1 which is still above my cover line, but much lower than the 98.5's and 98.6's I have been getting. I'm going to jinx myself, but I haven't gotten THE headache yet. I know the period is coming so I just wish it would hurry up and get here and stop messing with me. Today is supposed to be CD1 but I guess I'm going to have a longer cycle this month. Lovely.

I do want to reiterate how excited I am to be able to move in less than a MONTH...it was great news to get and we are really very happy about it. Especially since a mouse came running out of the laundry room this morning into the bathroom and had BJ running all over the place trying to get it. I had already left before this fun escapade began. He told me that he was not going to leave the house until the mouse was "taken care of". Ick....December 11 can't get here soon enough.

A Bit Disconnected

We moved over the weekend, my laptop died and I missed Monday and Tuesday of work because of moving/cleaning/organizing and closing on my house. My first day back at work was yesterday and I had almost 30 new blog entries to read. I've gotten through most of them and unfortunately I haven't responded to them because they are "old news" now. I feel badly about that. It's always nice to know that someone is reading and responding. I will eventually catch up with everyone. I hate not having the Internet at home. Well, we have it but the laptop died while we were trying to "install" it. DAMN. Trying to figure out when I can get the brother-in-law to check it out. The stupid thing won't even boot up. It's terrible to be that disconnected from everything.

We are all moved in (aside from the storage unit that will get emptied this weekend or next) and I must say that I am battered, bruised, beaten and exhausted. We used a delivery truck from BJ's work. There was no ramp so I, being all of 5'2'', had to climb up and down for 2 days. I packed my truck up 2 or 3 times. I'm the type of person that has to have a house "livable" right away. I unpacked like a maniac Saturday and Sunday and Monday. BJ just wanted to unpack whatever he needed for the next day. I can't do that. I had to clean BOTH places. Luckily, our house was no where near as filthy as the rental. It was disgusting and I hate other people's "ick". I can deal with my own but I draw the line with strangers. My poor cat is finally starting to act like herself. She's 8 and has lived in that house for 7 years. She's high anxiety about being in her carrier so the 35 minute ride was lots of fun. She was moaning and crying and then she soiled herself. It was terrible. It was 90 degrees and humid and I had to have the windows down to avoid hurling out the window from the smell. But she's much better now and I anticipate that she'll be fully back to normal by next week.

I bought tickets for the PowerBall. When I told BJ about it his response was comforting but sad at the same time. Whenever we talk about winning the lottery or some windfall, he usually starts out with a house on the water. Then comes the 10 car garage because he doesn't know what he'll buy first, the Harley, the Vette, or the Mustang. Well yesterday the first thing he said about our potential winnings...."We'd definitely have a baby then." My heart swelled and I wanted to cry. I said "yeah, one way or another". And then he said "we'd have enough money that I would tell the doctor if he didn't get you pregnant that I'd pay to have his head on a stick". It was really sweet. To know that a baby is the first thing he thought of really touched me.

Speaking of babies...I'm on CD27 today. I've had the chocolate cravings, the slight moodiness (mainly sappiness) and some twinges/pinches in the lower abdomen. Tuesday evening I saw the beginnings of spotting. I've hardly seen any since then. There was a little last night but nothing so far today. I'm not sure I would even call it spotting as it's more like mocha colored CM. I don't know when the period will come but I know it's on the way. I just wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start temping and charting properly.