Taking the Plunge

My temperature took the mighty plunge this morning.  I was up to 98.7 yesterday and then back down to 98.0 today.  That is my coverline temp and I'm 13DPO so I'm guessing AF will be here just in time for Christmas Eve if not tomorrow.  My leutel phase is usually 16-17 days so with my luck, she'll be here Christmas Day.  Oh joy.  I'm trying really hard to pick my spirits up and I know I have a fight on my hands with AF looming and my hormones being all PMS'y and what not.  I am very excited for BJ and the Little Guy to open their presents and that helps some.

The Little Guy and I were fortunate enough to be able to take a tour of the White House in all its Christmas glory last night.  I don't think I've been in such awe ever in my life.  Besides being absolutely beautiful, it was amazing to know the history of who walked the halls before me.  I picked the Little Guy up from school and we headed downtown.  We ate dinner (which was really good) and then we walked over to get in line.  It was cold but we came prepared.  Our tour time was scheduled for 7:00 so we got in line early.  We have learned our lesson from going to the Easter Egg Roll.  We got in line at 6:06 and were in the White House by 7:00.  The couple in front of us and another couple behind us were scheduled for 6:00...we did GOOD by getting in line early.

The Little Guy had a good time, too.  We both could have hung out longer after we walked through but we have a hefty drive home and we both had to get up early this morning.  BJ said he may just come with us next year.  I sure hope so.  I really missed having him there.  It was definitely something I would have loved to share with him.

I have one present to pick up today and then wrap and then I am 100% done with shopping and wrapping.  Everything else is wrapped and hiding away just waiting to be uncovered and placed under the tree.  I can't believe how close Christmas is and how fast it will be over.  Shopping was definitely more of a challenge this year because neither of us received a bonus.  I know how fortunate we are just to HAVE jobs, believe me, I do.  It's just that I have gotten a bonus for 9 years in a row and it really helps with holiday shopping.  I'm sure once the credit card bill rolls in I will really be missing our bonuses.  Especially since I know my husband will not stick to a tight budget.  If he wants me to have it, he buys it.  I'm more thrifty.  I look for free shipping, 1-day sales and things like that.  I plan ahead.  He is spur of the moment, fly by the seat of his pants.  Hopefully he didn't do too much damage to our card.  :-)  And he told me that whenever gift wrapping was available, he was taking advantage. He hates wrapping.  Poor thing.  I told him that once the Little Guy gets better at wrapping that we can pay him a small fee to wrap all the presents...except his own of course.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful, splendid, joy-filled, exuberant, safe and happy holiday - whatever you may be celebrating.  I hope that 2011 brings a baby to your arms or at least to your womb.  For those of you that are already mommies or expecting...I hope that your children continue to grow and thrive and bring joy to your heart.  May God bless each and every one of you, from my heart to yours.

Baby's First Christmas

I should be out shopping for the perfect ornament for my child's first Christmas.  I should be frantically trying to find a 4th stocking that matches the ones I bought 2 years ago for BJ, the Little Guy and myself.  I should be receiving way too many gifts from family and friends for our child.  I should have had a family picture taken to make Christmas cards like all the "normal" families do.  I should be standing in line at the mall with a screaming baby in the hopes of getting a decent picture with Santa.  I should be figuring out how to keep my 8 month old from grabbing ornaments off of our tree.

But I'm not.  Our IVF failed, as I have mentioned no less than 100 times on this blog.  I'm sure you are sick of hearing it at this point.  But it hurts all the time.  Especially when I think about everything mentioned in the above paragraph.  I feel lonely and lost.  I feel jipped and jinxed.  I feel bitter.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm bitter at, but it's there...lingering.

Then I read the blogs in my "Babies after IF" folder and I am overcome with happiness.  So much so, that I am on the verge of tears sometimes.  Happy and sad tears.  So very happy that I know these women that get to do all of those things above.  They fought tooth and nail to get those babies that will have a first Christmas this year and they are so deserving.  The sad tears are pretty self explanatory.  I'm sad for me.  I'm sad that I'm left behind and that I'm still fighting.  Then I'm mad at myself for throwing a pity party so I move on to other thoughts.  I try to stay with the happy feelings most of the time, but it's hard.  When I see the stockings hanging it tugs at my heart that we are missing one.

I know that not all IVF's work and sometimes you need 2 or 3 or 8 to get a baby.  We had one shot.  We put all our eggs in one uterus (ha ha).  We had 2 perfect embryos and neither one stuck.  It's the hand I was dealt and I just need to learn to accept it.  I just don't know how.  Especially when all I can think about is how this was to be our baby's first Christmas. 

Bull's-eye?

Again, I apologize for being absent.  I've been busy here at work and well, just really haven't felt like typing out all the crazy things in my head.  I've been fooling myself that I'm doing better this year with the Christmas spirit.  I can only lie to myself for so long before I finally admit how I'm feeling on the inside.  I love Christmas and cheer and the magic and thinking about the baby that was born so that my soul can be saved.  Things just aren't the same as they used to be this time of year.  Ever since our failed IVF I just have not been the same at Christmas time.  Last year I had moving as a great distraction and apparently the scapegoat for my aversion to Christmas.  It has occurred to me that I was feeling those things because I don't have a child and I have lost almost all hopes of ever having a child.  It sucks to feel this way.  Like I said, I love Christmas.  It's always been a time of glitter and lights and pure beauty.  Our house is decorated as are most of the houses in our neighborhood.  I've never had so many decorations up around me as an adult.  We've done quite a bit of gift shopping already and are almost done with everyone we have to buy for (except each other).  I just don't feel all the good feelings that are supposed to come along with Christmas.

Not all of this is IF related.  I have a couple of dates in November and December that I have never written about yet that are very sad for me.  I try to push them aside and move on but it's not that easy.  I lost so much on those dates and my life, and the lives of the others affected by the losses, will never be the same.  I do most of that suffering in private.  BJ understands my grief but he doesn't like to talk about those types of things and he's not the most sensitive of guys.  That's ok as I prefer to grieve alone anyway.

Given those sad anniversaries and the fact that I'm really starting to believe, to know, that I will not be a mother have really dragged me down this year.  I gave myself a deadline to achieve a pregnancy and that deadline is my 35th birthday.  That deadline is fast approaching.  The closer it gets the more I come to accept my childless fate.  I know that I should not give up hope but how can I hold onto it after 10 years?  There has to be an "end game".  I have to have a stopping point.  We can't afford anymore medical intervention and I don't know that I would do it again anyway.  I mean, how will they make my eggs better?  My eggs are what they are and they are obviously crap.  Another round of IVF wouldn't change that fact.

I'm just so tired.  I'm tired of trying, waiting, hoping, dreaming, crying, hurting and failing.  And yet, I'm still temping and charting and peeing on opk sticks.  I just don't know how to fully let go yet.  It's like I'm just going through the motions for the sake of saying that we are still trying.  None of it means anything.  It's all wasted effort but yet I'm still doing it.  And I guess I will still be doing it until my birthday next May.  At that point I will need to be done.  BJ and I will have a conversation about what form of birth control we think is best for us.  I've been leaning toward the permanent implant.  There can be no hope when my tubes are blocked, right?  The hope will finally go away and let me learn how to live child-free.  I have a lot to learn in that area because I've never even come close to being able to imagine a life like that.

The title of today's post is rather ironic.  Given everything I have stated above you will find my next few sentences rather contradictory.  That's how I roll.  I have a battle going on inside of me between hope and defeat.  Unfortunately, hope is on the winning side right now.  I tested positive with my opk yesterday.  BJ and I did the deed last night.  About 3 hours ago I began to feel the tell tale ovary pain that signals ovulation.  There's nothing like knowing that as far as timing goes we have hit the bull's-eye.  Now I will sit here and wait out the next 16-17 days to see if I will be blessed with the best Christmas present ever.

I'm sorry to be so glum.  And I know that I need to do a Happiness post but I needed to get this off my chest and out of my brain before I can move on.  Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me to spill my guts to.  I've been reading your blogs, too.  I'm not that great at commenting but I'm here and I'm always thinking of you guys.  I'm going to get an iPhone in the new year and will really be able to dive into commenting the way I'd like.  I'm off tomorrow to try and do some shopping for BJ so I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I actually have some great plans for this weekend that I hope to share with all of you next week.

Thanksgiving Wrap-Up

So sorry I've been away.  I'm sure most of you are pretty busy as well so I'm sure you understand.  I'm going with a quick rundown of the last week or so just to get everyone caught up.  And for those of you who are mainly interested in my TTC journey...today is CD1.

Last weekend - we shopped and shopped and didn't get a tree.  I found one that I thought would do just fine but the husband was unsure.  I decided to make an executive decision and get it Tuesday when I was off work and he would just have to live with it.  I did most of the Thanksgiving shopping but came home without a turkey.  They didn't have one big enough if you can believe that.

Tuesday - I was off work and we had the plumber come over and fix the sink and the drywall guys were there fixing nail pops and I was a cleaning machine.  And then I was a turkey buying machine.  I went to another grocery store and bought a fresh turkey, never frozen.  Still didn't buy the tree because I saw an ad that the tree would be $40 cheaper on Thanksgiving.  Told the husband I was going out early Thursday to make sure I could get it.

Wednesday - The Little Guy and I baked and prepped for many hours.  It was great and he was great.  Very willing to help and even kept asking what else needed to get done.  Love that Little Guy.  He and I went to lunch and decided to see how many of our tree they had in stock.  It would be my luck that I waited and then they didn't have it Thursday.  The sales guy had to go to the back to check and he eventually came out with the LAST ONE in multi colored lights!  I said screw the $40 we are getting this tree now.  So I did.

Thursday - Did minimal cooking.  Only had the pie to bake and the turkey to roast and the potatoes to mash.  By 1:00 we were sitting around with nothing to do but wait for our guests.  It was great.  The dinner was wonderful and my turkey was the best I've ever made!  Clean up was a snap as we used disposable plates.  We only had to clean the serving dishes.  We made the decision to not stuff the turkey and it was the best thing.  The turkey cooked faster and more evenly and the stuffing from the oven was great because I added some chicken stock before baking.  My mashed potatoes didn't have any lumps, either!  Go me!  I rocked that Thanksgiving dinner.  :-)

Friday - We began decorating the house, inside and out.  We had glitter all over everything, even us, from head to toe.  The lights went up, the mantel was decorated, the columns were wrapped in red ribbon and then it happened.  We hated the LED lights we put up outside.  We went with cool white instead of warm white...big mistake.  They didn't match the mini lights we had on the porch.  So we took them down and planned on getting some regular lights.

Saturday - We did some more decorating and we put up our new tree.  BJ went hunting and the Little Guy and I fluffed all the branches and plugged it in and fell in love with it.  Yes, it's thin, but it fits the space and it has a LOT of lights which is my main concern.  Then the Little Guy and I went to the festival of trees that benefits the local hospice.  There were about 60 beautiful trees to look at.  I love going and I haven't gone the passed couple of years so it was good to start again and have the Little Guy with me.  Although he began to lose interest about half way through.  After dinner we put ornaments on the tree and now we love it even more.  I just have to find a new topper as I seem to have lost our Angel.  Hmph.

Sunday - Put away all the decorations and lights that we didn't use and put up the new mini lights that I bought and now the house looks wonderful.  I just need something for the foyer window.  I'm thinking a wreath with a red bow.  BJ hit the hunting trail again so the Little Guy and I went to see Tangled.  We loved it.  We laughed so much.  I highly recommend this movie.  Very touching and it sort of makes you realize that sometimes dreams can come true.

So there you have it.  I was very busy on all my days off but it was still wonderful not to come to work.  The food turned out fantastic and everyone had a great time and now my house is decorated for Christmas.  I'm feeling completely different from this time last year and I'm thankful for that.  I'm not happy that AF showed her nasty face.  Especially since she sort of tricked me.  My temp dropped Friday morning but then was back up Saturday and Sunday morning and only 1 tenth of a degree below the coverline yesterday so I must admit, I was having some hopes.  Then of course there she is this morning.  Reminding me that I'm still not pregnant.  I'm glad she stayed away over my long weekend but I really wish she would have stayed away for about 9 months.  Onto another cycle and another round of hopes.  The cycle never ends.

Let the Madness Begin!

Today is the beginning of my Thanksgiving madness.  Aside from my spreadsheet and lists, of course.  :-)

I will be shopping for all the groceries (minus the strawberries because I want them fresh) this afternoon.  Not only will I be picking up the Thanksgiving groceries, but everything else we need as well.  This is likely to be the highest grocery bill I have ever seen.  But you know what?  I'm ready.  I say Bring.It.On.  I'm going to be trying a couple of new dessert recipes that I'm really excited about.  Bite sized s'mores from the oven will be the best, I think.  It's a pampered chef recipe that I hope is as easy as it sounds.  I am also going to make some no bake cookies...chocolate, peanut butter, oatmeal....mmmmm.

I know that everyone will be food shopping this weekend so I'm hoping to miss some of it by going this afternoon.  Wish me luck on that one.

The other madness this weekend will be Christmas tree hunting and decoration hunting.  Since we will be decorating next weekend we really need to find a tree.  We need a slim, pre-lit tree because our living room is a little narrow.  Something we didn't anticipate when building the house.  There was an option of a more bumped out space but we figured it was big enough.  We didn't think about a tree needing to take up residence for a month.  Anyway, I digress.  We want a tree with multi colored lights and lots of them.  Not so easy to find.  We found one that we liked but it was only clear lights.  That might end up being the one we get but hopefully not.  I saw one at Michael's last weekend but BJ wasn't with me to give me his thoughts so we are going back together.  It was on sale and I'm hoping it is again.  We still need some decorations for the house and the outside but are having a hard time deciding what we want to do.  I think this year and probably next year will be a learning experience for us in decorating and figuring out our tastes, so to speak.  We have also decided that we need to seal the grout in our kitchen.  So on top of my usual Saturday morning cleaning routine, we will be making the house smell terrible with sealer before we head out for the day.  Fun, no?

Sunday will be a day of football and that's a good thing because that means we probably won't go anywhere.  I'm sure after all the running around Saturday we will be happy to sit our butts on the couch and chill.

Monday will be a crazy day at work because I will be trying to finish up anything that is pending since I will only be in a 1/2 day Tuesday and then gone the rest of the week.  Crazy things always happen when I'm prepping to be out, why is that?  The crazy work stuff will carry into Tuesday, I'm sure and then the real fun begins!

The Little Guy's mother is dropping him off to me Wednesday morning.  We will be getting his hair trimmed so he looks nice for all the pictures I will be taking and then we are cleaning (mostly me) prepping and baking to get ready for Thursday.  Here is the list of things I will be making on Wednesday:

• Prepping the turkey which includes stuffing it (and that means making stuffing).  I will do this late Wednesday
• Deviled eggs - sure to make the fridge smell great overnight!
• The crust for my apple pie - I'm going to wrap it up and take it out Thursday morning when I actually make the pie.
• Chocolate trifle - this includes a chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, (light) cool whip and heath bar pieces...to die for.
• ranch dip - packet of seasoning and sour cream
• onion dip - lipton onion soup mix and sour cream
• fruit dip - blueberry yogurt and (light) cool whip - yummy with just about any kind of berry
• oatmeal cookies - from above
• mini s'mores - also from above

Pretty ambitious, huh?  Most of it is pretty simple but can be very time consuming.  The Little Guy will love helping with the trifle, oatmeal cookies and the mini s'mores.  And if he'd rather stay on the easy side of things, I'll just have him mix the dips for me.

And to top this off, it's time for our year in review on our house.  Our kitchen sink is leaking sporadically so we are having the plumber come out...on WEDNESDAY of all days.  Hopefully most of the stuff will be done by the time he gets there and hopefully he's not there very long.  I needs my sink whilst I be's cookin'.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I'm hoping to be able to update Monday about our shopping excursions this weekend.   I have a few blogs I'm reading that I hope get some very happy news soon!

Bullet Point Update

I have so much to say but I just don't feel like writing all of it out so I'm going to give ya'll a bullet point update.  It will still probably be a long post because as you know, I like to ramble.

• I worked a short week last week since we had the 11th off and I took the 12th off.  The plan was to take the Little Guy to his dentist in the morning on Thursday and then go through all the Christmas stuff and do some things around the house and then go to his parent teacher conference.  I was on the go all day and barely got through the Christmas stuff at all.  The Little Guy and I decided to have breakfast at the new ihop in town.  Mistake on a holiday.  It took us 45 minutes to be seated.  It was so worth it though.
• BJ decided to take Friday off so that changed my plans of shopping without him.  We shopped for the Little Guy and bought him a guitar and amp and 2 lessons for Christmas.  I hope he likes it because it was not cheap.  Against my better judgement and my prodding, BJ bought these things instead of renting them to make sure the Little Guy would stick with it.  We'll see.
• I had a scrapbooking crop on Saturday.  I got a lot done and it was nice to sit and work on it all day.  I actually met the mother of the guy that lent us the chairs for the Little Guys b-day party back in June.  It was very random that I realized who she was.  She was very pleasant and I enjoyed our conversation.  I did not enjoy watching the lady next to me create her daughter's baby album.  Ugh...these events are as much fun as they are misery.
• It's true that IF follows us/me everywhere.  I was browsing through the new NHL Christmas catalog and my jaw dropped.  They now have MATERNITY hockey wear!  The model was pretty and smiling (and obviously had a fake belly) and wearing a maternity shirt that had the words Future Rookie (or something like that) across her bulging stomach.  Lovely.  What will they think of next to throw in my face?
• I tested positive with my opk Friday mid-morning.  I had tested negative Thursday afternoon.  I never felt any O pain but I did have a headache that didn't go away with 3 ES Tylenol on Saturday.  My temp spiked Saturday morning (which is very unusual for me since I usually spike 2 mornings after ovulation) and has stayed up since then.  According to FF I ovulated Friday.  That doesn't really sit well with me because I got a negative on my opk Thursday afternoon.  But then I can't explain the temp spike on Saturday.  Ugh, this gets so confusing!  And to top it off, both BJ and I were exhausted Thursday night and decided to do the deed Friday, which we did.  So if I ovulated Friday we probably missed it.  Plus, my ovary had NO pain whatsoever so I don't have a clue as to what really happened.  Only time will tell, right?
• I'm getting geared up for my Thanksgiving dinner.  I have my spreadsheet that lays out my menu, what dish the item will be served in, who is responsible for preparing/bringing it and which day I will make it.  I'm doing quite a bit on Wednesday so I don't have to spend the whole day Thursday cooking and stressing.  I just need to find time to get to the grocery store to buy all the ingredients.  :-)
• I bought a plain wreath and decorations for it.  I put it together Friday and was satisfied.  I've never done this before so I was pretty worried about my ability.  I left it in my scrapping room.  I went in there Saturday afternoon to put my scrapping stuff away and saw it on the table.  It's really pretty.  I guess I needed some time away from it to appreciate how the reds and golds all work together.  I'm going to take a picture of it once we hang it next weekend so you all can see it, too.
• The trim is up in the kitchen!  I haven't taken any pictures yet but I plan on it this weekend after I clean.  I will post pictures very soon.  The floor looks so much better now that it's complete.  This is one happy TeeJay.
• It has been a while since I took a bubble bath in my wonderful tub.  I indulged myself last night.  Can I just say...ahhhhhhh.  I was so ready for bed afterward.  I slept all night and didn't wake up one time.  It was great.
• I've been bad about commenting this past week but I plan to make up for it over the next few days.  I miss "talking" to you guys.

There it is, my first bullet point post.  I think I'm going to start using those bullets for my Happiness posts.  They work well and I didn't even know I had them.  :-)

Improving the Home

I've gained some new readers in the passed year so I'm going to recap just a bit on our house.  BJ and I were able to sell my house last Summer and have a house built.  If you've never gone through the process, it's not as easy as it seems.  There are 1,000 choices to make before they even break ground.  Builders also make their money off of upgrades and options.  We were pretty smart about what we chose to upgrade, I think.  There are some things that we wished we had known because we would have done them differently but how much can you know before you live in a house?  And not only that, but the house we came from was so...ordinary, that everything we picked was like a luxury to us.  Anyway, certain things were not upgraded because we knew we could do it cheaper (and probably better) on our own or with the help of BJ's contractors from work.  How much work could there be in a new home you may ask?  See this post to get an idea of our plans.

We bought our hardware for our cabinets months ago.  BJ finally installed everything about a month ago.  We had our kitchen floor and backsplash installed in June.  I have been waiting since then for BJ to put the shoe molding up.  He finally brought some home Thursday.  We actually stained and painted all of it yesterday!  I will have a complete kitchen by this weekend (hopefully!).  I can't tell you how excited I am.  I will be able to take pictures and show all of you the transformation from the beginning.  I have been promising pictures for a very long time but I refused to post any until it was done.  There will be painting and more decorating along the way, but once the shoe molding gets put up, it's done for the foreseeable future in my opinion.

As we were walking through Lowe's, we casually strolled down the curtain aisle.  I need some sheer curtains for the office.  Of course, they didn't have any that were long enough.  However, we did stumble upon some red and black curtains that we grabbed for the Little Guy's room.  AND, we even put them up yesterday!  I ironed them and everything.  Aren't you proud of us?  I sure am.  It was a feat to buy them and put them up all in the same weekend.  Go us!

We still have a quite a few projects to complete but we are on our way.  I'm hoping to have my wood floors installed by Christmas but I'm not holding my breath.  Neither BJ nor I are getting a bonus this holiday season so the floors will probably wait until the Spring.  I absolutely hate our carpet.  It's so cheap and such low quality.  I can't believe they actually put it in people's brand new homes.  We haven't even lived there a year yet and we don't wear our shoes on the carpet and it's already smooshed down and looks like we've lived there 5 years.  The only time it looks decent is when I first vacuum it.  It will be fine until it can be replaced.  That is the only thing that keeps me sane about it...it will be replaced and soon.

We went looking for a pre-lit Christmas tree Saturday.  We looked at 3 places and finally found one that we liked.  It was the right height, width and price.  It only comes in clear lights.  Drats.  I like multi-colored lights on my tree.  So it's back to the drawing board.  I know it may seem crazy to be looking for a tree right now, but we only have until Thanksgiving weekend to find one.  The house gets decorated over the long weekend.  And you know what?  I'm really looking forward to it.  I was in a major funk last year but I'm ready to make my house pretty.  We bought a few things and have an idea of more things we'd like to get so we are on a bit of a roll right now.  I even made my first QVC purchase of the season last night!  I can't wait for it to come in the mail.  It's a wired strand of lights and it will have many uses...I bought 2 and I'm hoping that's enough.  :-)  Bring on the Christmas cheer!

Happiness Is...

- my husband turning on the little heater in the bathroom before I got out of bed this morning.  I didn't even feel him get up.  When my alarm went off and I patted his hand (a little good morning ritual) as I was getting out of bed he told me that he turned my heater on for me.  That warranted a quick snuggle and some kisses!

- eating a Reese's Cup that has been in the refrigerator for a couple of hours.  I love Reese's Cups room temperature or cold but having one cold for the first time in...let's see...forever, was great.  The old commercials state that there is no wrong way to eat one.  I disagree with that.  :-)  I like to eat the edges off and then, if I can, peel the chocolate off the top and bottom and then eat the peanut butter that is left.  Mmmm...so good.

 - Gizmo laying with me on the couch last night.  This might seem trivial to most cat owners because most cats love to lay with their humans.  Gizmo is not like that.  I know he's still a baby, but it's been very difficult to adjust to a more independent cat.  My Smokey loves to lay on me or next to me whenever she can.  Gizmo, on the other hand, is perfectly happy laying by himself.  We have tried to pick him up and put him on the couch with us and that lasts about 6 seconds before he's gone.  I was sitting on the couch and BJ was in the shower.  The Little Guy had gone to bed and I was on my laptop working on a digital scrapping project.  Gizmo jumped up and laid half on me and half on the couch.  He was just purring away and couldn't get enough love.  Then he really surprised me by climbing up on me (I had to push the computer further down my legs) so that he could lay on my chest and rub his face against my face.  It was so sweet.  And now I know that he really does love me.  :-)  He stayed for quite a while and I just let him.  There's something so great about talking to a kitten like he's a person.  My heart is melting just thinking about it.  Then BJ came downstairs and Gizmo stayed on the couch for about 30 more seconds.  He loves being pet(ted?), but on the floor.  He will lay down and roll over when he wants attention.  Anyway, it was really nice to bond with Gizmo like that.

- the sun is back and it's Friday!  And I have a short week next week!  We are off Thursday and I took Friday off.  Yay!

- when my sister posts pictures of my niece (whom I've never met) and my nephew on FB.  I love looking at how they've grown.  It's hard to believe that I can love 2 people that don't really know.  I haven't been around my nephew since he was 2 1/2 and like I said, I've never met my niece.  She's 2 1/2 and he's almost 9.  Wow...I'm getting old for sure.

It's Official

My period has officially started.  I had another dip in my temperature yesterday morning to one tenth below the cover line and this morning it was back down to 97.8.  I knew she was coming but it still sucks.  I'm not too crampy yet so that's good.  I had McD's for lunch to comfort myself.  Now I feel "blah" and mad at myself after being so good this week (all of 2 days) and going to the gym.  I'll be back in there tomorrow, but today...not so much.

I also had a DIVINE cupcake today.  We get "thank you" gifts from vendors around election day for using their services and we have gotten cupcakes twice this week.  The first one that I had on Monday was chocolate with chocolate frosting.  Can I just say it was sinfully good?  Today's came around about an hour ago.  I had a chocolate one with peanut butter frosting.  Both of these cupcakes were probably 1000 calories but you know what?  They were so worth it.  I've never had peanut butter frosting and you can't go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter.  I'm drooling again just thinking about it.

I'm glad the elections are over.  I won't talk politics here (or in real life, either) but can I just say "wow!"?  I knew the Dems would lose some seats but I thought everyone was over reacting to how bad it would be for them.  Americans voted for change for sure.  The only problem is that with a Republican House and a Democratic Senate and a Democratic President...nothing will get passed in the next 2 years.  It's amazing how quickly the political climate can change in this country.  I voted and I hope you guys did, too.  We might not agree on who (whom?) to vote for, but voting is one of the most liberating things we, as Americans, can do.  Rah, rah, rah.  Ok, that's enough.

BJ and the Little Guy played video games for about an hour after dinner last night so I took the time to work on some scrapping.  Instead of doing laundry.  I got 6 pages mounted!  I'm slowly working my way through all the Christmas time pictures.  I take a lot of pictures at that time of year.  Between decorating, my SIL's party and our Christmas...whew!  My camera gets a work out for sure.  I will be mindful of how many I take this year and opt for more quality pictures than quantity of pictures.  I have a crop to go to on 11/13 for the day and I'm very excited to go and get some more work done.  I will actually need to print out some pictures to work on and that's fun...looking back and doing some editing and then getting them printed...good times.  I'm even dabbling in the digital side of things.  Talk about time consuming, but it's fun.  The possibilities are almost endless.  If I weren't so worried about putting pictures of the Little Guy on here I'd post some of my work.  Not that it's great work, but I like it and it's something tangible that I can be proud of.  I'll think about it.  Maybe I'll make it password protected or something.  I'll have to see.

Back in the Saddle

Not so much the saddle that I want to get back in as much as on the treadmill.  I took a break from the little gym we have at work over the Summer.  I hate going down there.  There isn't anything on the TV that will keep my attention and so I hated being down there for my walks.  I have been walking outside most of the Summer.  It's not as good of a workout but I love the outdoors and the sunshine.  Well, as many of you know, Fall is upon us.  With Fall, brings falling temperatures.  Today is November 1 and I decided to start back at the gym.  I was going to do pilates this morning but my co-worker started a big conversation with me before I could head there.  I went at lunch and walked 20 minutes with a 5 minute cool down.  If you aren't good at math, like me, that's a full 25 minutes on the dreaded treadmill!  Yee haw!  I went 1.3 miles total.  My legs are like jell-o right now but in a good way.  I'm hoping to go at least 3 days a week.  I'd really like to go 4 or 5 but I know myself so I'm setting a realistic goal for myself.

Yesterday was the trick or treating.  We put up orange lights on the porch, hung 2 skeleton ghosts from our hanging plant hooks and hooked up 5 skeleton head lights for the sidewalk.  We then opened the office windows and played the theme to Halloween on the computer.  It was fun to hand out candy (sort of).  We had 1 kid ask us if it was a haunted house and one little boy wouldn't come to the door until he saw it was safe.  :-)  That was pretty cool.  I've never actually scared a little one before.  The Little Guy went with his mother and her boyfriend and his kids.  They stopped by very early for a couple of pictures.  I have a lot more I could say about that, but will save it for another time.  She annoys me sometimes to say the least.  I'm sure I annoy her, too.  Anyway...

BJ and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos and it was a special Halloween edition.  I always see lots of babies and toddlers and what not on that show.  It's just par for the course really.  However, they showed a video of 3 very pregnant women and their bellies were painted like jack-o-lanterns.  I didn't say anything but BJ piped in...."They just love to rub it in your face, don't they?".  I agreed and rolled my eyes.  It's EVERYWHERE.  The fact that I can't have a baby is rubbed in my face constantly.  Why?  Why is the universe so cruel?  These are the thoughts going through my head.  Then Extreme Makeover comes on and things are really put into perspective for me.  If you watched, you know what I mean.  I have my health, well other than my fertility.  The kids on this show were deaf and went to a special school that lacks proper funding.  Infertility has made me focus on myself a lot.  It's made me always think about what I'm missing and how things could be so much better.  It makes me forget how much worse things could be.  Everything else in my body (aside from my sometimes wacky thyroid) works fine.  I have a great heart and lungs and liver and bladder...the whole 9 yards.  I can see and smell and taste and hear.  The only thing I can't do is have a baby.  I want to stop being so selfish and thinking about what I'm missing all the time.  The only problem with this is that I don't know how.  I don't know how to look at babies and pregnant women and NOT think about my empty womb.  When does that feeling end?  When will it go away?

Today is CD24.  My temp dropped down to be equal to my cover line temp this morning.  I had a killer headache yesterday.  I might not be very good at math, but I know that 2+2=4 and that a headache + a lower temperature = AF will be here in a day or two.  My body might not work right but it has become a bit more predictable lately.  That is the one positive thing I will pull from this cycle.

The Sniffles

The sniffles...as in I have them.  The Little Guy was a little congested over the weekend and said he had a scratchy throat.  Well, wouldn't you know that Tuesday afternoon I started to get that same feeling.  I feel pretty much like dog poo.  I'm still at work.  Why, you may ask?  Because at this time of year (election time) there is a bit of a contest as to who comes to work the most and who works longer.  It's ridiculous, really.  And I hate it.  Thankfully the election is almost here and I can stop working the over time and actually stay home if I feel sick.

Remember the other day when I mentioned how tired I was?  I think it was because of this cold I have.  All I want to do is sleep, sleep and sleep some more.  I was hoping it was one of those phantom pregnancy symptoms that I could look back on and say, "oh, that's why I was so tired...I'm pregnant!"  I'm not getting my hopes up too much on that one, though.  I'm on CD20 so AF will be here within the next 3 to 8 days.  Since I don't have a regular cycle anymore it's really hard to judge.  I will have to pay attention to how much people are getting on my nerves to know how close she is.

My temps are still above the coverline and I'm happy about that.  Yesterday was 98.3 and today was 98.5.  I'm wondering if that is also because of this cold.  Maybe I have a slight fever?  I'm hoping not.  I'm hoping that my progesterone is fine and doing it's job.  Maybe increasing because there's a baby in there!

We bought some stuff at the Halloween store to decorate the porch and haven't put any of it up yet.  How sad is that?  I'm hoping to tomorrow when I get home from work.  Our neighbors right next to us have lights up so now we have to get ours up.  You know how it works.  We already have a competition planned for Christmas decorating.  Good grief, I'm a Suburbanite.  Yikes!

9DPO

Hi everyone.  We went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday afternoon.  It was further from our house than we realized but not a bad drive at all.  It was a really nice place.  It was decorated and laid out well.  My only complaint is that the petting zoo was pretty lame because they had all the animals fenced.  If the animal didn't come to you, you didn't get to pet it.  Needless to say I didn't pet anything.  The place we went last year had a big open area where you could feed and pet the animals in a more natural environment.  We survived the corn maze, too!  It was fun to walk around semi-lost with 4 kids on a beautiful day.  We did the easier of the 2 mazes and it worked out fine.  The boys had a blast rolling and jumping around in the hay boxes.  As happy and as grateful as I am to have the Little Guy in my life, I so yearn for a little one of my own.  It's events like these that reinforce my childlessness.  Yes, I'm a step-mother and yes I get to do things that other Infertiles do not because of that fact.  However, I still want my own child to yell out...."Mommy!  I found the perfect pumpkin!"  Or "Mommy, can I get my face painted...pleeeaaase?".  Instead, I have a child that calls me by my first name.  That in and of itself stings.  No, I don't ever expect him to call me "mom" but having a child that I love like my own address me by my name....well it sucks.  I hope I get to be called the royal name of Mommy someday.  Until then, I will continue to thank God for bringing BJ and the Little Guy into my life.  I really did have a good time at the farm, but infertility always has a way of sneaking into everything.

I'm 9DPO today.  I had another temp spike (98.7!!) on Saturday (6DPO) but things have settled back down to a more regular 98.2 the last few days.  I feel a little weepy and I'm not sure why.  I heard a song on the radio and it almost made me cry.  That doesn't usually happen.  Maybe that's a good sign?  I'm going to go with it for now.  I sent an e-mail to a place that will do a saliva test to test my hormones (thanks Sarah!) throughout my cycle.  I'm waiting to hear back from them.  I'm willing to try different things to figure out why I'm not getting pregnant.  I figured this is a good place to start.

I got my hair cut at lunch today.  It really needs color, too, but I passed on that for now.  I told BJ that I feel pretty now that my hair has been cut.  I used a gift certificate that I received at Christmas and it's a good thing.  This place charges $85 for a shampoo, cut and blow dry.  Unreal.  Yes, my hair looks good, but it used to look good when I paid $20 for a cut.  I so wish my stylist hadn't moved away.  I went to her for about 7 years for cut and color.  I've never been 100% satisfied with anyone else.  It's been about a year since I've seen her and I think I've only gotten my hair cut three times and colored twice.  Ugh.  No wonder it felt so good to get it done today.  My mission is to find someone I like that doesn't charge an arm and a leg.  Good luck to me.

Happiness Is...

- going to the corn maze and pumpkin patch tomorrow afternoon with the SIL and her family.  Since we are unable to trick or treat with the Little Guy this year at least we still get some good Fall activity with him.  I love the pictures I get when we go to the pumpkin patch.  I'm excited about the corn maze, too.  We went through a garden maze last summer when we went to Luray Caverns and it was confusing to say the least.  This corn maze is HUGE in comparison.  I hope we can find our way out.

- wiping my cabinets down after the husband, very thoughtfully, cut my apple with the apple corer and splashed juice everywhere.  He had it all over himself and our pretty cabinets.  I dipped my perfectly sliced apple into some yummy peanut butter after the mess was cleaned up.  When he did it, he just turned and looked at me with that "I can't believe that just happened" look on his face.  It was great.

- a bright and sunny day today...and tomorrow.  I love the sunshine and it will be a little warmer today and tomorrow than it has been so that makes it even better.  I think we should wear a little sunscreen before heading to the maze tomorrow.  It might be October but the sun can still burn us.

- laughing at my own folly this morning.  We have overhead cabinets at work.  I store things up there like, my pens, paperclips, scissors, things like that.  I have a spinning organizer that I keep all that stuff in.  It's not on my desk because things have a way of disappearing when it's left out.  Anyway, I had 1/2 a candy bar up in the cabinet that I was planning on eating this afternoon.  I love something sweet around 3:00...sorry, I digress.  I opened the cabinet and turned the spinning organizer to get to my paperclips and wouldn't you know...the spinning thing turned the candy bar and made it fall out of the cabinet.  Why is this funny?  Because it landed right in the middle of my cup of Diet Pepsi.  Thankfully, it didn't knock the cup over.  It did, however, splash soda all over my desk and note pad.  What are the chances?  It made me laugh and I'm surprised no one asked me why I was laughing.  Pretty embarassng to say the least.

- only 2 more weeks of work and I am off for 2 days!  Yippie!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I can't believe it's that time again...time to introduce myself to new bloggers and scope out some new blogs to read.  You can get a brief rundown of my history on my side bar.  It's long and tedious to say the least.  Basically, I've been trying to get pregnant for about 9 years now (2 husbands).  What fun it has been.  NOT.  Well, that's not really true.  The first few months of research and all the extra "relations" and all the hope and expectation was fun.  Along with consuming all my TV time with A Baby Story and shows like that and browsing the baby section at the stores and dreaming of buying little Redskins or Capitals outfits....all of that was fun.  And then the fun wore off and turned to frustration, anger, helplessness, feelings of failure...feelings of not being good enough.  If there is an emotion related to TTC, I've felt it.

With my second husband (who has a 9-year-old boy, the Little Guy) we were able to pursue fertility treatments.  We did 2 IUI's and an IVF.  I had a full fertility work up (I'm guessing it was full) before we started any treatments.  My FSH was borderline high at 9.69.  The doctors did not seem worried as everything else checked out fine with me and BJ (the husband).  The 2 IUI's failed even though I responded well to the Clomid with 2 to 3 good follies and good E2 and P4 numbers..so they said.  We moved on to IVF.  I was on my bcp for too long and was unable to produce enough follies for an IVF.  My next attempt was treated as though I am a poor responder.  I was given mega high doses of gonal-f and menopur.  I might be a poor responder but I am a fast responder.  Back in the day when I was as regular as a clock, I ovulated on day 13.  Those doses made my few follies grow really fast.  I was decreased in dosage and had ganirelix added to the mix.  At the time of retrieval, CD11, I had 5 measurable follicles.  My E2 two days before that was 1001.  I had 5 follicles, 4 eggs with 3 mature.  Two of them fertilized normally and were absolutely perfect at transfer on day 3 of their little lives.  I tested 2 days before beta and knew that we had failed again.

It was the hardest failure for many reasons.  I'm still trying to get over it.  It haunts me almost daily that my 2 little embryos didn't stick around.  I feel pretty jipped in a way.  I put entirely too much trust in the clinic.  They treated me as though I was just like everyone else instead of like an individual with a unique situation.  And when I say unique, I only mean that every patient is different.  Every patient will respond differently.  I'm not like everyone else.  No one wanted to find out why I can't get pregnant.  They just assumed they could do a couple of blood tests and pump me full of medications and voila! - a baby!  I never went in for a follow up appointment.  Mainly because we knew we couldn't afford any more treatments so there was no "next steps" to plan for.  We are on our own now and I'm not dealing very well with it.

I've begun to think that not only do I have bad eggs but that I have low progesterone.  My temps barely rise after ovulation and so I'm wondering if it's now a progesterone problem to add to my other problems that no one can seem to find.  I'm convinced there must be a problem somewhere because I refuse to accept that I'm just not meant to give birth to a child.  At least not yet.

I have a good group of regular readers and commentors that give me good ideas to pursue and things to think about on a regular basis.  I love that I can come here and spill my guts and these women understand.  They know where my pain comes from and although I hate that many of them are still struggling, I love that I know they are here with me.  So thank you, readers and commentors.  I appreciate each and every one of you.

Today, I am 4DPO.  Although due to my slowly rising temps, FF says I'm only 3DPO.  I'm in the 2ww with knowledge that we timed our baby makin' pretty damn good this cycle.  I'm not at the "hoping" point yet, but it will come, as it always does.  And maybe, just maybe, there will be a different outcome for me this time.

I have a funny story to share with you all.  As you know, and for any new readers stopping by, I have a step son.  He's with us 50% of the time and that is pretty much every other weekday and then every other weekend.  I usually take him to daycare in the mornings when we have him.  Sometimes BJ will take him but only once a week or once every couple of weeks.  The Little Guy was with us last night and I asked BJ to take him this morning because I had to come in early.  I got up, made BJ's coffee, the Little Guy's lunch and snack and set his pills out to save BJ some time in the morning.  BJ called me on his way to work and started with "I almost forgot my own son!".  Ha ha!  He said that he got ready for work and was putting his coffee in his thermos when he noticed the Little Guy's pills on the counter.  Immediately, an "oh shit!" came out and he ran upstairs to get the boy up.  He confessed to the Little Guy that he forgot to wake him up and told him to hurry it up.  How funny is that?  If he would have left him there sleeping, I would have asked, as I normally do when BJ takes him to daycare, "how's the Little Guy this morning?" and BJ would have remembered at that second.  What would have been bad is if BJ had left him there and he woke up before BJ could get back to him.  He probably would have opened the front door to look for vehicles and set the alarm off and I'd probably be bailing BJ out of jail on child neglect charges.  Thankfully it all worked out.  I still think it's funny, only because it worked out ok.

Progesterone Information

After reading Mel's comment on my last post, I decided to look into progesterone creams.  I posted an answer to a question someone else asked on a message board regarding the use of progesterone creams after ovulation.  The response came from an ob/gyn doctor in New Orleans.  It's a bit disheartening to say the least.  I figured I have bad eggs but his answer to her question really hits home.  And according to him, I can't do anything about it by myself.  Nice.  Thanks for the pick me up, doc.  Below that paragraph I posted another partial bit of information I found while doing some research.  Let me tell you, this information really hits home, too.  I have thyroid dysfunction.  I also feel like I have PMS during my cycle when I shouldn't.  My leutal phase seems to be ok, actually a bit long at times, but maybe that is a defect as well?  Either way, a lot of this makes sense to me.  I might not be ovulating a good egg (pretty likely) and that is causing the low progesterone which causes a hardly noticeable temp spike, thyroid issues, moodiness like PMS and trouble conceiving.  Hmmm...sound like anyone you know?

Progesterone itself is classified as a thermogenic hormone. That is, it tends to raise your basal metabolic temperature by about one-half to one degree when it's secreted from an ovary that has successfully ovulated. It is secreted to adequate levels when there's been a decent ovulation. So treating low progesterone after a faulty ovulation is only wishful thinking. This won't help a bad egg. In the rare cases in which there's been an adequate ovulation but low progesterone, then progesterone will be useful to stabilize the implantation bed of the uterus for the fertilized egg. Repeated miscarriages may support this concern, but only a doctor trained for this can distinguish between the two.

Progesterone is the one hormone in the body of both male and female that regulates the entire endocrine system. That means that progesterone helps to keep all the other hormones in check, in balance. When there is a deficiency in progesterone the entire body can seem out of whack. Symptoms include all PMS and menopausal symptoms, thyroid dysfunction, low libido, infertility and pregnancy problems. Right now I’m going to focus on the role that progesterone plays in fertility.

Now, maybe I'm over reacting.  Maybe I can help myself with the cream.  I'm willing to give it a try and I'm thankful for the idea.  I'd like to talk to a doctor about it first, though.  Heck, I'd just like to find out if it's really the case.  I wonder if I'd be able to convince my ob/gyn to do a fertility work up on me.  I'm so done with doctors, though.  The very thought of having to go in and talk about my infertility issues makes me want to wretch.  But I'd like to know if I have low progesterone levels.  At least I would have some sort of answer to the question that has been nagging at me for a while now.  Thanks Mel for opening my mind to this possibility.  I do appreciate it.

Beginning of the 2ww

We had a good weekend. Friday night was not a scrapping night for me as I decided to go down to Rick and Leslie's with BJ. I had a few glasses of wine and played Wii with Leslie while BJ played pool with Rick. We made it an early night because Leslie had to work early Saturday morning. BJ agreed to go to the shed place with Rick Saturday and then head over to the farmer's market/flea market. The weather was pleasant and we walked and browsed and came home with some tomatoes and some good apples. Then we went to lunch with Rick. Rick is 50 but I don't think he looks his age. The waitress brought over the check and gave it to Rick. The thought running through my head was that she figured he was our dad. BJ pulled out his wallet and we paid with our card and took cash from Rick. When she came back, she handed the slip to Rick again! Later, BJ told me that he was going to call Rick "dad" but didn't want to offend him. It's funny that he and I both thought the same thing about the situation.

We went to the Halloween store to get a few things to decorate the front porch. We didn't buy much but ended up spending just over $100. Sheesh! Then on Sunday, BJ washed his truck and I did some laundry and we watched football. My poor Redskins...they put up a good fight but ended up losing. I (and most everyone else) thought we'd get creamed, but they hung in there and they forced turnovers and held Peyton to just 27 points...not to shabby for a team that went 4-12 last year. I'm proud of the progress they have made as a team this year. I still love Peyton, but I was so hoping he'd lose.

I did some opk testing Friday and Saturday. Friday was very negative. Saturday afternoon's test was really close to positive so I knew that ovulation was probably going to happen Sunday. We did the deed Friday night so I knew we wouldn't be doing anything Saturday as well. I felt pretty confident that anything that was still swimming around would be ok since I was having some major ewcm. I tested Sunday morning and it looked the same as Saturday afternoon so I knew we needed to get things done soon. I tried all day to get my husband in that bed...he seems to think that sex is something we can only do at night. I started feeling the ovary pain at 5:00pm. I was finally able to get BJ into the sack around 7:00pm. My ovary hurt so bad I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to continue. I haven't felt pain like that during sex in a long time...I find it odd that I feel pain in my ovary when my ovaries have nothing to do with the actual act of sex. Strange. Anyway, BJ was oblivious and eventually the pain became tolerable so the job got done. So now I wait. And I hope. And I dream. And I imagine.

I would like to think that we timed things really good this time. Friday and Sunday with ovulation Sunday night seems pretty good, right? I sure do hope so. It's time to start analyzing everything going on in my body. I now think I don't produce enough progesterone. My temp spikes are hardly noticeable anymore. Today's temp (I usually spike 2 days after O'ing) was only a tenth of a degree higher. I hope it goes higher because I would hate to think that I have yet another obstacle against me. Infertility keeps throwing me curve balls and I can't seem to figure anything out anymore.

So here's to the 2ww!

Mundane

Things have been pretty mundane in the TeeJay house lately. Things have been pretty mundane on the TTC front, too. AND, work has been nothing if not mundane. And that's pretty much how my moods are going. Nothing swinging me way up and nothing bringing me way down. I view that as a good thing. However, we are midway through October and that means that there are 3 big things coming my way that will probably wipe out my mundane-ness and put me in down and out mode.

1 - Halloween - I love Halloween now that I have the Little Guy in my life. We have had him to ourselves the passed 2 years (the day has fallen on one of our days to have him anyway) and dressing him up and taking him out with his cousins has been a blast. I love all the pictures I get to take and I love feeling like a normal family. But then there's the other side of things. I should be dressing up 2 kids (at least) to take trick or treating. And this year, I should have an almost 7 month old...but our IVF failed. When I look at all the babies and toddlers dressed up I long to have one of my own. And now this year, the Little Guy's mother has made a request to have him, even though it's our night according to the schedule of days. We agreed because she's missed out on it for 2 years and this might be his last year wanting to go AND...we have to share. So we will hand out candy and wish that we were out there walking around. I would have loved to be pushing a little pumpkin costumed baby around but that was not to be.

2 - Thanksgiving - As you know, we are hosting for the first time this year. Again, there should be a baby in the house. This is such a family holiday and I feel somewhat jipped because I feel my family is incomplete. So even though I'll be busy beyond belief with prepping and cooking, I will still feel a whole in the day.

3 - Christmas - This should be my baby(ies) first Christmas. As down as I was last Christmas with the move hindering my decorating and all the quickness of the season, I fear this year will be worse. Maybe I'm wrong and I will be my old self with the decorating and the magical feel of everything, but I don't want to raise my expectations. I don't want to feel like I'm letting myself down if I'm not in the Christmas spirit enough, so I'm preparing for a somber season. In my heart I know I should be hanging a fourth stocking. And the fact that I won't be is pretty upsetting to me. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle things this year. I hope I will be able to be strong and put on a happy face, at least when the Little Guy is around. I guess we'll find out when the time comes to put up the tree, which will happen Thanksgiving weekend. I will either be ready to go and decorate everything or I will stop with the tree and call it a day. I will hope for the former to happen.

So right now, I'm doing ok. In a move only my body can do, I saw some ewcm yesterday afternoon so I did an opk. It was negative and I was glad because it's only CD7 today. I forgot to bring test strips with me today but will test again when I get home this evening. We don't have the Little Guy this weekend because we switched with his mother, per her request, so it would be nice to get a positive tomorrow or Sunday even though it's a little early. We always do better when he's not there. BJ is going over to Rick's tonight for some guy bonding (beer and pool playing) and I'm hoping to do some digital scrapping. I have new software that I'm trying out and I have a lot to learn about it. Some quiet time on a Friday night is the perfect time to dive right in.

I hope you all have a great weekend! For those of you trying, I hope you get some good news very soon. For those of you that have succeeded, I hope your pregnancies continue to go great. And for those of you holding babies, give them a kiss from me. We are all in this together and maybe one day we will all have our dreams come true.

Happiness Is...

- getting 20 scrapbook pages done on Monday! It's such a great feeling to accomplish something like that. We worked (on and off) for about 6 hours. It was tough with my niece being there, but I still got a lot done. I was on a roll until BJ and the Little Guy got home and I had to stop. I am so far behind...I was working on November and December of 2008 pictures. I signed up for an all day crop on 11/13 so I hope to finish out the year and start on 2009 pictures.

- looking at campers and thinking about buying one in the Spring. I've wanted a camper for about 3 years because of all the possibilities it brings for weekend get aways and getting out in nature. The Little Guy's mother and boyfriend bought a used one a couple of years ago and the Little Guy loves to go camping. So we are thinking about getting one that is family friendly with bunks to bring along little friends and/or cousins.

- deciding not to give up our dream of a backyard paradise but to alter the plan a little bit. BJ had his heart set on an in ground pool, and I mean set. It was one of the main reasons we picked this lot to build on. After meeting with a guy and looking at options, he knows it's not a reality for us right now. He has caved on the idea of an above ground pool. They are 1/4 (at least) of the price of an in ground and just as much fun as far as I'm concerned. So that will be something we probably do with our tax refund next year. (of course I'd rather do another IVF but there's no guarantee that we'd get a baby out of it. At least a pool is something we know we can enjoy and have fun with.)

- leftover sloppy joe's for lunch today. I already ate them (2 small ones on hamburger rolls) so I'll probably be starving at 2:00, but they were yummy!

- loving my new dining room table. It fits in the space just right. It's about 4 1/2 feet each way and it's counter height. I was at the grocery store Saturday morning when it arrived. I loved coming in the door and seeing it there. I put a wire bowl with some small fake pumpkins and leaves in it in the center and it looks like Fall.

- my 'Skins pulling off a dramatic overtime win against a team no one thought we could beat. They showed that they didn't give up...and that is something new to this team.

- AF lasting only a day and a half (she arrived at bedtime Friday). As much as I hate her, I like the fact that her visits are pretty short. It lets me jump right back in that much quicker.

Headache and Heartbreak

I still had a temperature above my coverline yesterday morning. And of course I deluded myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe we were lucky. Yesterday afternoon I started to get a headache. I brushed it off by chalking it up to the fact that I was a little stressed at work and really tired. It was still there when I got home so I took 3 extra strength tylenol. When the medicine didn't work, I knew the headache was hormonal. It used to happen every month but it hasn't happened on a regular basis in quite a while. I knew then that the thermometer would let me down this morning. I was right.

Not only was I right, but I still have this damned headache. It's not as bad as a migraine, but it's close. I might leave work a little early today if it doesn't let up. I haven't seen any spotting yet but I know it's just around the corner. What a great way to start off my weekend.

I'm on CD30 right now. What happened to my good old predictable body? Where did my 26 day cycle go? Out the window, that's where. That's where my hope started flying yesterday, too. Right out the window. I even let myself go as far as picturing what a pregnant belly would look like on me. That's something I haven't done in years. I think my hope builds more as time goes on because I'm getting more and more desperate. I was in a pretty "flat line" of hope until recently. I've noticed that I get more and more giddy in each 2ww now. I need to be a bit more resolved and not let myself get caught up in the what ifs all the time. That's easy to say at the end of a cycle, isn't it? It's much harder to rationalize the situation when I'm in the 2ww or the 1ww. Hope has a way of wiggling right in here and then breaking my heart all over again.

As sad as I am, and as much as my head hurts, I'm very excited that our dining room table is being delivered tomorrow between 8 and 12. We will officially have a place for people to eat Thanksgiving dinner. And that is something to be very happy about. So that is what I'm going to focus on...my table and the big dinner and all the prep work that will need to be done before the big day. And there's a lot. BJ needs to finish the kitchen for crying out loud. :-) We need shoe molding, handles and transitions. Maybe getting the table will spark him into action.

I'm off on Monday and have invited my SIL and her daughter over for some scrapbooking. It will be the first time I've had someone over to work on scrapbooks. I'm pretty excited about it. I have many pages that need mounted and I want to work on some Christmas cards and tags with my Cricut.

So I guess I have 2 things to look forward to as I head into the weekend...my table and scrapping. Hopefully it will make the eventual showing of AF not so terrible. Distractions are a good way to mend/ignore a broken heart.

I hope you all have a great weekend and if you are having the kind of weather we are forecast to have, I hope you can get outside and enjoy it a bit.

Trying to be Patient

According to my records, I am either 14 or 15dpo. According to FF, I'm 12dpo. My temperature was still above the coverline this morning. It's not unusual for me to have a longer than average leutel phase. It's not unusual for me to not spot anymore. It is unusual for me to know that we timed our bd'ing pretty well this cycle. I'm not overly moody. I'm a little gassy, but I did have chili for lunch. :-) I'm not overly tired yet. The boobs are still a little sore. I'm starting that phase in my cycle where I'm tempted to believe that maybe things could be different this time around. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but I can't help it. I'm sitting here trying to be patient awaiting AF's arrival. It's not easy. My mind is running amok thinking of the possibilities. My stomach has butterflies right now as I type this. I know I'm crazy for even thinking it, but what if?

**********

I want to thank all of you for your kind remarks on my previous post. Reading the nice things you guys say warms my heart. I was almost brought to tears. For real. You are such a great support system and I'm so glad that you are here for me. I'm going to write my post very soon about my cut off date/age but right now all I can think about is the fact that I haven't started spotting yet and I don't have any of my strongest indicators that AF is going to show up. I know that the likelihood of a bfp is slimmer than none, but I guess you just never know, right?

I Hear Her Knocking...I Think

I think ugly old AF is knocking. My temps have been slowly declining and today the boobs are sore. I don't have the other symptoms just yet, but the boobs are a pretty good indicator of things to come. It's CD26 so it's about time for her to show up. Dumb witch.

The Caps Convention was spectacular. I could have stayed another 3 hours but BJ doesn't like crowds and he's not as into hockey as I am so we cut it short. I was disappointed, but it's all good. I stood in line for about 45 minutes to get Peter Bondra's autograph and I was 2 rows back when they pulled him and made him go to another panel event. I followed him at break neck speed and tapped him on his arm right before he was unreachable and asked if he could sign just one more. He was so nice, he did it and he apologized that he had to leave. It was AWESOME. He is the main reason I am a hockey fan. I was star struck! It's probably a good thing BJ and the Little Guy were standing in a line where they couldn't see me because chasing a hockey player (walking really fast) is not behavior that would have been smiled upon. :-) The Little guy participated in a few of the children's activities...he took a shot on goal with Slapshot (the mascot) tending net, he dressed as a goalie and got pelted with some hockey balls, he took the slapshot challenge and then tried to score a long shot. He's never held a hockey stick in his life so he was a little awkward with it, but he did fine for a first timer. I told BJ that just the Little Guy and I would be going next year and he said that was fine. He's just not into crowds (even though it really wasn't that bad) so I know I'd enjoy myself much more if I didn't have to worry about him getting pissy about standing in line for things. All in all, though, it was a BLAST! I am so ready for hockey season.

After we got home we all went over to Mary's and Steve's house for a Fall Bash they were having. Two of the 3 pregnant neighbors were there. One of them, April, I hadn't met yet. She was the "honeymoon" baby lady. I wanted so badly to not like her, to not even talk to her. Much to my chagrin, I liked her a lot and we talked quite a bit. She's 2 or 3 years older than me and was very pleasant. Of course, I had to stop myself from staring at her belly so much but I enjoyed hanging out with her. BJ could tell I was having a hard time so he didn't ask about the baby at all. Then after we got home, I told him how hard it was for me and it's even harder now that I like her. He said he knew and that he was sorry. He also said that he's not ready for me to go on bcp any time soon. This topic deserves its own post, but as you know, I had set a deadline for myself of my 35th birthday...a short 7.5 months away. I'm glad he thinks that now, but like I said, I need to write a post about this very soon. I have lots to get out and it helps me sort things out to type them here.

Sunday was a chill out day. The Little Guy's mother came and got him early to take him to the fair that we didn't get to take him to due to the rain and so it was just the 2 of us after he left. We went and got 5 Guys for lunch (yummy!) and then took a short nap and headed to our local bar to watch the 'Skins game. It wasn't a good performance by our offense, but we pulled out the win and knocked the "dog killer" (as my neighbor Mary would say) out of the game. We ordered the meatloaf special to go and headed home after the game.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Now I feel that AF is coming to ruin my mood. Damn her. Between her and all this rain and cold weather I feel my mood slipping away anyway. The only thing good about the cool temperatures is that we put the big comforter on the bed last night and snuggled to keep warm. Can't complain about that.

7DPO?

I wrote this yesterday but could not post it so it's a day behind and I didn't even proof read it so it might not be up to par so I apologize for that. :-)

I think I'm 7dpo. I might be 8, I'm not sure. My temp took it's good old time rising this time around and I had a strangely high temp well before ovulation so FF was a little confused. I'm trying to go on my opk's and what I felt. FF says I'm only 5dpo but I believe I'm at least 2 days ahead of that. Either way, I'm in the 2ww. And I would have to say that we timed things pretty ok. And that's saying a lot given our history of BD'ing when it's time. So I will start to analyze every little thing starting today, I'm sure. But as an infertile, I can't help it.


On Saturday, the Little Guy and I went to his cousin's soccer game and then the whole gang came over for lunch and stayed until almost dinner time. The boys stayed the night and the niece went home missing her brothers. It was fun to have everyone over. We grilled hamburgers and chicken breasts. I was at the store Friday and just happened to notice a marinade recipe on the back of the mustard bottle as I was looking for the expiration date. I told BJ we ought to try it. It was a huge success. All the kids liked it and we did too, of course. It's like a honey mustard without the honey. If you get a chance, check it out. It was mustard, brown sugar and ranch dressing. So yummy. Especially the part that BJ saved to the side for dipping or drizzling after the chicken was grilled. We found a winner.


The boys went home Sunday around noon and we just chilled out and watched some football. It was a lovely weekend. It really made me wish that I had another child in the house to give us some chaos. And so the Little Guy would always have a playmate. I so wish that I could have had a baby 2 or 3 years ago. It makes me sad that if I were to have one now, it and the Little Guy wouldn't really form that sibling bond that siblings closer in age form. There was 8 1/2 years between me and my brother and while I cherished him like no other, we didn't have the close sibling relationship that I wanted. It's hard when there is that much of an age difference. I can't even imagine an age difference more than 10 years. It seems to me that they would never be able to relate to each other. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I am and that I actually get to find out what kind of relationship they would have.


This gives me a better perspective of people suffering secondary infertility. I would think that most people want their kids to be relatively close in age. And when couples struggle to have another child and can't I'm sure it's very frustrating. I'm sure they watch one child grow and wonder if that child will ever be a big brother or sister. If they will ever have someone to share bunk beds with, fight over the remote with, race to the front seat of the car with...all those things that siblings do. I'm sure it's hard having loads of baby gear and clothes saved for the next baby and that next baby never shows up. It must be really sad. Yes, I think some people might tell those secondary infertiles to just be happy with what they have and at least they have one child. But at the same time, if you feel your life is missing a child and you can't fill that hole, it's a hole nonetheless. I don't know many couples that are adamant about wanting just one child so when the plan to fill a house or at least 2 bedrooms comes up empty, I'm sure they suffer just as much as we do. Yes, they have a child that they love and cherish but I'm sure they still feel incomplete and like they are doing that child a disservice when they are trying desperately to have another. In a way, that is exactly how I feel. I think the Little Guy would make a great big brother, but his big brother days are slipping away one by one and it makes me very sad.


This not the direction in which this post was supposed to go, but it is what it is and that is just how if flowed out of me. We all suffer in one way or another in this infertile land. I hope that we all find a way out of it so the suffering can stop.


And thank you to everyone that stopped by my blog this week! I love new comments and I have found a few new ones to follow. It's always great to meet new bloggers and make new connections. Especially other hockey fans...even if they are Chicago and Pittsburgh fans. :-) We are going to Caps Convention Saturday and we can't wait! I'm trying to get BJ to cave in on me spending $25 for a picture with my all time favorite, the reason I paid attention to hockey in the first place, player...Peter "Banzai"Bondra! I'll let you know how that turns out. :-)

Happiness Is...

- my 200th post! Wow, I have a lot to say. This is my 200th post and I couldn't be happier to have found the blogosphere. My readers (regular, lurkers, newbies and passers by) have made such a difference in my outlook on TTC and IF in general. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and comment and just let me know that you are out there. I cherish all of you, really.

- pre-season hockey is back! We played our first pre-season game last night and came out on top. I am so excited for this season that I just can't help but smile when I think about it.

- planning to make a new folder in my reader. I have the Infertility folder, the PG after Infertility folder and have decided that I'm going to make a Baby after Infertility folder. I have several blogs that I read that have had babies in the past few months and I have not yet re-categorized them. I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with being left behind. Creating this new folder is a sign that some get to move on to mommy-hood and I'm still left here fighting. I'm elated for them and I love seeing pictures and reading stories. I can't wait for them to post so I can see how much their bundle has grown. I think the folder is just a way for me to let others move on. Does that make sense? So for that, I am happy.

- my Kindle. I know I have spoken of it here before, but I love it. It makes reading so easy and convenient and anything that does that, is ok in my book. I have read 8 or 10 books this year alone. I usually only read 3 or so books a year. I can shop by topic or author and it makes the process so much easier. One of the greatest gadgets of all time.

- a few more hot days before Fall really sets in. I like the weather a little cooler, but Fall just reminds me of the cold and snow and ice on the way. So I am enjoying these unusually warm days for the time being. I love walking outside at lunch and even though I broke a sweat yesterday, it was better than being cooped up inside because it's too cold to go out.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Hello to any new readers and those just stopping by to say "hi". You can learn a little about my journey on my side bar over there but here is a quick recap:

I'm 34 years old and I've never been pregnant. I started trying with my first husband when I was 24. No luck and lots of tests and tears and frustration later, and I'm still trying with my new husband. We've been married just over 3 years and threw out the bcp a little over 4 years ago. We've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. I have the elusive "unexplained infertility". My husband has a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship. I call him the Little Guy here. Although, he's not so little anymore. He's 4'8"! I'm only 5'2"...he'll be over my head before I know it. We have him at our house 50% of the time. Being a step-mom is tough and I have begun telling that story a little more here. It also, for me at least, is super tough when TTC a child.

I have bouts of depression. I work through them as best I can. My blog helps me with this in many ways. I try to stay positive and keep things light around here, but it doesn't always end up that way. Putting things down in writing helps me deal with the challenges that IF has brought into my life. I have really bad days and then I have some pretty good days. I try to point out (to myself, mainly) the good things that I have in my life and that usually translates into a "Happiness Is"....post. I haven't done one in a while and I need to get back to it. Work is crazy and I don't blog much (or at all) from home.

Right now I'm in the middle of a cycle. I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday or late Monday. Although, with the ovary pain I was feeling yesterday evening and last night, I think it's a fair guess to say that it happened yesterday. That, and I did the opk again yesterday mid morning and I was still surging. BJ (my husband's name here) and I did the deed Monday night...our best timing (that I can tell) in a while. Fingers crossed that I can get this Miracle Baby conceived!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon when a co-worker went into my boss's office. He said to her "I got the green light from my wife to spread the news...we are 4 1/2 months pregnant!" He then went on to say that they waited extra long to tell people because he's 40 and she's 37 and they wanted to make sure that everything was normal. It is and so now he's telling folks. Lovely. And as if that weren't bad enough, many of my readers will remember the Honeymoon Baby from a set of neighbors that were "pleasantly surprised" by their pregnancy. Then I was hit with the people right next door to us expecting a March baby. They hadn't been using any b/c for over a year and now they are pregnant with their 3rd child. Drum roll please....another set of neighbors is having a baby. A couple that we met at the Little Guy's baseball game is pregnant. She has a boy that is 7 and a girl that is just over a year. He has an older son, mid-teens or so. And now they will have a baby of their own. BJ came in last night from washing his truck and told me that Jack, the neighbor, stopped by and gave him the news. Jack said (and this is what BJ said the last time), "there must be something in the water in this neighborhood." And then BJ said to him, "well, TeeJay sure hopes so." So now he knows that we can't get pregnant. You know those signs people put on their windows so that firefighters know you have a cat or a dog that they will need to save in case of a fire? Well, I think I'm going to get one that says "An Infertile Lives Here" and maybe people will quit sharing all their happy news. I'm just bitter because it was 2 announcements in one day. I am happy for the people, just sad for me and BJ.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. If you are new to the blogging world, I highly recommend it. I have found a great group of women that share in my happiness and my misery and it has helped me so much. Reading blogs really lets me know that I am not alone and that there really are people out there that understand. I hope you have blessed day!

Gone Too Long

I'm here and I'm ok. I'm just very busy these days. Work is out of control busy and I just crash in the evenings when I'm home. I'm reading blogs and commenting a little, but of course not as much as I'd like to. For that, I apologize.


Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. I hope that the Little Guy realizes how much I love him and how much I wish he were mine. We don't always see eye to eye, but we have a connection and it's pretty special in my eyes. I will be bummed again when I'm home watching the game on TV knowing that he chose to be with his mom, but I'll be ok. We are going to the convention in 2 weeks and I plan to make the best of that time with him.


BJ's birthday was Friday. We had planned on going to the mountains and riding our 4-wheelers for the weekend but the darn things needed some mechanical work so we were unable to go. That left us scrambling for something "family" oriented that we could do this weekend. We finally (and I mean Thursday night) decided to head to Virginia Beach. We have never been there before and the weather forecast was outstanding. We picked the Little Guy up from school and headed out Friday around 12:30. We didn't get to our hotel until 5:00pm! There was so much traffic it was unreal. We had no idea what we were in for. We went from 4 lanes down to 2 lanes to go through a tunnel. It was frustrating to say the least. Especially since we were only about 25 miles from our destination when we hit the traffic.


We picked a certain hotel because it had an indoor pool and a bedroom. Most of the pools close up after Labor Day and the Little Guy loves to swim. The bedroom was nice because I was sure I'd get my positive on my opk and this way we'd have some privacy. Our bedroom was nice but it didn't have a door. It had a huge mirror on the wall and BJ said it was a s.e..x mirror. Nice. We turned the a/c down when we left for dinner. We walked and ate dinner and headed back at 8:00 so we could sit in the hot tub while the Little Guy swam. Our room never cooled off. It was still 79 degrees in there with the unit running constantly. And to top off the evening, apparently, from 8:00 to 11:00 is adult swim only. As we headed back to our room to figure out what to do next, we heard our neighbors....we heard every word they spoke. And they weren't talking loudly at all. We had enough. BJ canceled our room for Saturday night and that put us on a mission to find another place to stay. This was turning out to be a great vacation. The air show was in town so it took us a while to find a room. I found a room at a place with a heated outdoor pool that I booked. We paid an additional $25 so we could have ocean front. It was so worth it. When we checked in we just sat outside and listened to the waves and left the door open and chilled. And since the air show was in town, we got a very close view of the Blue Angels as they prepped for their appearance. I love jets! They flew out over the water and made so much noise. At one point, we were running from the front door to the back door every time we heard a noise...it was fun. And it was so much better than the other hotel we stayed at. BJ and I sat outside until after 11:00 while the Little Guy settled in and went to sleep. It was chilly and I had bought a warm sweater earlier when we were walking so I put it on and then brought the bedspread out to cover my legs while we listened to and watched the ocean. It was so relaxing...exactly what it was meant to be.

Now, for the TTC stuff, since this is my TTC blog. Right before we left on Friday (and here is your TMI alert) I used the bathroom and there was a giant glob of ewcm. I had tested and was negative on my opk but I figured it was pretty useless since we were going to be in very close quarters all weekend. I tested negative on Saturday as well, but had some watery/creamy cm. And to my surprise, BJ decided Saturday night in the bathroom would be a good time to sneak in a quickie. There is about a foot height difference between us so it was interesting to say the least, but we got the job done. :-) I was having a hard time timing my testing and trying to make sure my urine was concentrated enough and all that jazz, so my testing might not have been completely accurate. I tested again Sunday afternoon and got a negative, but again, I think it had only been 2 hours since I'd gone so I don't know if it was a true negative. I tested yesterday at work twice and it was negative again but then on the way home I started to feel some distinct ovary pain. I tested when I got home and it was as close to positive as I had seen and thankfully BJ was up for some fun. I was still feeling some ovary twinges this morning so of course my hopes are now up. I am debating whether or not to test again to see what happens. Might not waste a strip.

Anyway, that is what I have been up to...working and getting away for the weekend. And upon my return to work I was informed that I will be working a half hour of overtime each day for the next 6 or so weeks. How fun does that sound? Oh well, it's temporary so I will just have to deal with it I guess.

And I just realized that today is the start of ICLW. I should really do a post for that but it has taken me 2 days just to write this one. That post will have to wait. Maybe I will fill it in by doing a Happiness Is post. We'll see. But I definitely have time to sneak in some blog reading, just not so much on the commenting. I really need a smart phone so I can do this on the bus ride to and from work. I've been contemplating getting either an iPhone or a Droid of some sort...need to do more research. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to any new readers and any new blogs to follow!

Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride

The title of this post does not refer to my inability to get married. I am married. I'm actually on my 2nd marriage. The title of this post is what I am feeling today about step-parenting.

I have written before about how I find it hard to be a step-mother. In my experience, it's even harder to be a step-parent while TTC and suffering through IF. This may not be the case for everyone in this situation, but these are my feelings.

As many of my long time readers know, I love hockey. I have sucked the Little Guy and BJ into my world. Of course, they aren't as into it as I am, but I'm still working. I have a tradition of going to the home opener each year. I've only missed a couple in the past 16 years. The Little Guy and I have gone twice as BJ does not like crowds (he's a party pooper on that front, for sure) so now it's our little tradition. Tickets went on sale this morning at 10:00am. I checked with the Little Guy's mother because of course the game is on a Saturday night when she has him. She sent me an e-mail back telling me that I could take him but that they had just been invited to a local campground that weekend so I'd have to pick him up from there. I knew then that there was an issue.

I asked the Little Guy what he wanted to do, camping or the game. I did not want him to feel pressured in ANY way so I gave him time to think about it. He seemed torn. Well of course he is, he's only 9 and loves camping and loves going to hockey games. I called him at daycare this morning to get his answer. He said that since we are going to the Caps Convention (really cool event with the players and staff) that he'd like to go camping. He then said that he didn't want me to be sad. I almost lost it right there. I composed myself and told him that I was fine with his decision and that I was glad he picked what he really wanted to do and that I'd see him tonight. He seemed ok when we hung up. I wasn't. I cried right at my desk. I'm tearing up now as I type this.

He chose his mother, which he should do. And now I feel like chopped liver. It just stabs home the fact that I will never know what it's like to be first choice. I will always come in 2nd or 3rd and not know what it feels like to be #1 in a child's life. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I had told BJ that whatever the Little Guy decided, I was going to the game, even if I had to scrounge to find someone to go with me. Yeah right. Without the Little Guy by my side it just wouldn't be the same. My heart is aching right now because as much as he likes going to games with me, he chose another option. And I don't blame him for that. It's hard to come from a broken home....I've lived in those shoes as a child and it sucks. So I will suck it up and make sure that he has no guilt over this because that is the last thing I want. But my heart is breaking. It's so hard to be so attached to a child that is not my own. And I know he loves me, but he's a child. He doesn't understand all this grown up drama that happens in my head and my heart. I don't want him to know because then he would have guilt. I know he would feel terrible if he knew I cried about this. He's a sensitive child that way. So I will keep my pain inside. I might try and talk to BJ about it tonight but I don't know if I'll be able to bring it up in a way that he will understand. It might be best if I just express myself here and not at home.

And to make things even worse, today is CD1. Yet another reminder that motherhood has not been obtained. This was a 30 day cycle. A cycle in which FF couldn't even pinpoint ovulation. That is a first. I pretty much know when it happened but I didn't override anything so my chart says I haven't ovulated yet. Nice. Hopefully this next cycle will be a little more understandable.

Avoidance

I want to avoid writing about cycles, temperatures, charts, cm and basically my Infertility as a whole today. I'm going to avoid typing out my emotions regarding IF. Today's post will be about my adventures in waxing. I know you can't wait to read all about it. I've been putting it off for a while now since I've been having so much emotional turmoil lately. So, I'm lightening the mood a bit with this post. Plus, if anyone is interested in different types of waxing, I might give them some help.

So I had my first waxing a while back and posted about it here. I was disappointed that I didn't get the girl that doesn't use the strips but it turned out well and I was pleased with the end result. So I went back. Unbeknownst to me, I was scheduled with another lady that uses the strips. I figured it would be no big deal, sort of like last time. I was WRONG. This lady was not gentle. She was not a smooth operator. I cannot tell you how glad I was that she was not my first experience. She was quick and efficient but didn't care too much about my pain. I didn't get the cool washcloth or the soothing gel. I just got a lot of red bumps and irritation. I was pretty tender for the rest of that day and the whole next day. Needless to say, I was not thrilled with that outing.

Fast forward 6 weeks...when I'm about 1-2 weeks overdue for another waxing. I made an appointment with the regular esthetician, Erin. She uses hard wax, no strips. She's young, very nice (and apparently very fertile as she recently came back from birthing her 3rd child) and very attentive to her clients. She explained the process as she was doing it and led me through everything. She prepped me with oil, slathered on the hard wax and let it harden a few seconds. Then she ripped it off! And may I just say, it stung, but was no where near the pain of my second wax and was also less painful than my first. The wax felt a bit hotter at times but that was a few seconds that I could deal with. I still had some redness, but it was minimal. And by Sunday morning, I was fine and not tender in the least. She has a limited work schedule but I will always try to get in with her from now on. I.love.her. She tried to talk me into getting the Brazilian, but I wouldn't budge. One of the main reasons is that the hair has to be at least a 1/4 inch long and that will not fly in my house. :-) The bikini lines are one thing but the rest needs shaved up on a much more regular basis. She also gave me the soothing gel so by the time I dressed and left I could hardly tell that I had just been waxed. I also did not have hardly any stickiness left behind like I did with the strips. Overall, she gets an A+.

So there you have it...strips versus hard wax. Hard wax wins in my book every time.