Bittersweet Gift

I think I’ve mentioned here that I like to scrapbook. If not, then I’m mentioning it now. My SIL got me into it in late 2008. I thought it would be fun for the LG and for us to be able to look back through old pictures. I love doing that when I go to my parents’ house. I had never done it before and so I had a lot to learn...I’m still learning, actually. I had wondrous plans for making a baby album. Especially after seeing all the cute baby paper and stickers and such. I’ve always loved taking pictures of people and never really did anything with those pictures so it was the perfect hobby for me.


I dove in head first. I hit the Internet and bought oodles of tools and kits and such. We started our first few rounds of fertility treatments about this same time. I worked diligently on our wedding album. I decided that it was good to get my feet wet with a project that had a beginning and an end. I fell in love with scrapping. I went to all day crop events and just submerged myself in all things scrapping.

When we failed at our first IVF I was crushed, of course. I was also crushed that I wouldn’t be able to do a baby album...an album full of belly shots and first hospital pictures and the first time family would hold our baby. When I went to crops I would say at least 1/3 of the women there were working on baby albums. They chatted about everything baby and pregnancy and labor and I never had anything to add. A hobby that I thought would bring me friends was alienating me even more. When I did meet new people they would ask me how old my son was and I’d have to fess up that he’s my step-son. They didn’t usually have much more to say to me after that. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant with him, I didn’t birth him and I wasn’t a SAHM (which many of them are) that volunteered at school and went on field trips. It was fun to go to these events but at the same time it sucked.

Just before we were about to embark on our 2nd IVF, my SIL gave me a stack of pictures from the day the LG was born. She said she didn’t know if I wanted them but she thought I might like to at least look at them and give them to the LG. I had a brilliant idea. I’d make a special baby album for the LG. I’m sure his mother has one for him but this one would be different...it would be made by ME. As I was looking at those pictures I was happy because seeing my husband so young and happy made me smile. At the same time I was bitter because he was with another woman in those pictures...she gave him a baby and she made him smile like that...I was afraid I would never share that with him. I even bought the baby boy album kit to get started on this gift for the LG. It was supposed to be his 10th birthday present.

When I saw those 2 lines on that hpt I couldn’t have been happier. Not only was I excited about being able to join the Mommy Club, I was excited about all the scrapping that I’d get to do. I know it must sound corny, but that is the way my brain thinks now. Everything relates to scrapping somehow. I keep most of those thoughts to myself, though, otherwise people might take for a loony bird. Then my world fell apart and I lost that brief feeling of happiness. I put the LG’s album on hold. I just could not bring myself to look at those pictures. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I’m sure that all you IF’s can understand that feeling. I went to a crop in May and reluctantly continued working on the album. My heart was not in it. I was exhausted by the time I left and not from working...from fighting back the tears I wanted to cry and the anguish I was feeling. I didn’t pick it up again until October. I just couldn’t do it. It was so painful to see him as a baby and see his mother smiling with MY husband by her side....it killed me inside. BJ didn’t really understand. He kept saying, “What’s the big deal? It’s pictures of (LG).” I would try to explain it to him but he didn’t get it...not really.

In October I decided that I better get my butt in gear because I had missed the LG’s birthday and so the album would now have to be a Christmas present. Oh, and in September I signed up to be an Independent Creative Memories consultant! So exciting and scary at the same time. They came out with a way to digitally create a traditional album cover and I knew that I had to make one for the LG’s album. The kit I had bought came with a baby blue coverset which was fine, but I LOVE the personalization of the customized album cover. It turned out great! Time was of the essence now that I had the album cover. I finally finished the album on Christmas Eve! I wrapped it up and put it under the tree. BJ looked through it before I wrapped it and really liked it. The LG unwrapped it and paged through it pretty quickly. BJ was quick to tell him how much time I had spent on it. I knew he wouldn’t be very excited about it because it wasn’t a video game but I still got a big hug out of it.

I know he will better appreciate it when he’s older. If we end up telling him that his brother/sister (please don’t let that be a jinx!) was created with the help of doctors because we really thought we couldn’t have babies, then I hope he will really understand how hard it was for me to make that album for him during this time of struggling. Like I said, I’m sure his mother has made something for him but hopefully he understands how much love went into this album. On the off chance she doesn’t have anything for him then I think he (and his future wife and children) will really appreciate this gift. It was the most bittersweet gift I have ever given anyone and no one was more deserving than him.

It's Official

My period has officially started.  I had another dip in my temperature yesterday morning to one tenth below the cover line and this morning it was back down to 97.8.  I knew she was coming but it still sucks.  I'm not too crampy yet so that's good.  I had McD's for lunch to comfort myself.  Now I feel "blah" and mad at myself after being so good this week (all of 2 days) and going to the gym.  I'll be back in there tomorrow, but today...not so much.

I also had a DIVINE cupcake today.  We get "thank you" gifts from vendors around election day for using their services and we have gotten cupcakes twice this week.  The first one that I had on Monday was chocolate with chocolate frosting.  Can I just say it was sinfully good?  Today's came around about an hour ago.  I had a chocolate one with peanut butter frosting.  Both of these cupcakes were probably 1000 calories but you know what?  They were so worth it.  I've never had peanut butter frosting and you can't go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter.  I'm drooling again just thinking about it.

I'm glad the elections are over.  I won't talk politics here (or in real life, either) but can I just say "wow!"?  I knew the Dems would lose some seats but I thought everyone was over reacting to how bad it would be for them.  Americans voted for change for sure.  The only problem is that with a Republican House and a Democratic Senate and a Democratic President...nothing will get passed in the next 2 years.  It's amazing how quickly the political climate can change in this country.  I voted and I hope you guys did, too.  We might not agree on who (whom?) to vote for, but voting is one of the most liberating things we, as Americans, can do.  Rah, rah, rah.  Ok, that's enough.

BJ and the Little Guy played video games for about an hour after dinner last night so I took the time to work on some scrapping.  Instead of doing laundry.  I got 6 pages mounted!  I'm slowly working my way through all the Christmas time pictures.  I take a lot of pictures at that time of year.  Between decorating, my SIL's party and our Christmas...whew!  My camera gets a work out for sure.  I will be mindful of how many I take this year and opt for more quality pictures than quantity of pictures.  I have a crop to go to on 11/13 for the day and I'm very excited to go and get some more work done.  I will actually need to print out some pictures to work on and that's fun...looking back and doing some editing and then getting them printed...good times.  I'm even dabbling in the digital side of things.  Talk about time consuming, but it's fun.  The possibilities are almost endless.  If I weren't so worried about putting pictures of the Little Guy on here I'd post some of my work.  Not that it's great work, but I like it and it's something tangible that I can be proud of.  I'll think about it.  Maybe I'll make it password protected or something.  I'll have to see.

Headache and Heartbreak

I still had a temperature above my coverline yesterday morning. And of course I deluded myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe we were lucky. Yesterday afternoon I started to get a headache. I brushed it off by chalking it up to the fact that I was a little stressed at work and really tired. It was still there when I got home so I took 3 extra strength tylenol. When the medicine didn't work, I knew the headache was hormonal. It used to happen every month but it hasn't happened on a regular basis in quite a while. I knew then that the thermometer would let me down this morning. I was right.

Not only was I right, but I still have this damned headache. It's not as bad as a migraine, but it's close. I might leave work a little early today if it doesn't let up. I haven't seen any spotting yet but I know it's just around the corner. What a great way to start off my weekend.

I'm on CD30 right now. What happened to my good old predictable body? Where did my 26 day cycle go? Out the window, that's where. That's where my hope started flying yesterday, too. Right out the window. I even let myself go as far as picturing what a pregnant belly would look like on me. That's something I haven't done in years. I think my hope builds more as time goes on because I'm getting more and more desperate. I was in a pretty "flat line" of hope until recently. I've noticed that I get more and more giddy in each 2ww now. I need to be a bit more resolved and not let myself get caught up in the what ifs all the time. That's easy to say at the end of a cycle, isn't it? It's much harder to rationalize the situation when I'm in the 2ww or the 1ww. Hope has a way of wiggling right in here and then breaking my heart all over again.

As sad as I am, and as much as my head hurts, I'm very excited that our dining room table is being delivered tomorrow between 8 and 12. We will officially have a place for people to eat Thanksgiving dinner. And that is something to be very happy about. So that is what I'm going to focus on...my table and the big dinner and all the prep work that will need to be done before the big day. And there's a lot. BJ needs to finish the kitchen for crying out loud. :-) We need shoe molding, handles and transitions. Maybe getting the table will spark him into action.

I'm off on Monday and have invited my SIL and her daughter over for some scrapbooking. It will be the first time I've had someone over to work on scrapbooks. I'm pretty excited about it. I have many pages that need mounted and I want to work on some Christmas cards and tags with my Cricut.

So I guess I have 2 things to look forward to as I head into the weekend...my table and scrapping. Hopefully it will make the eventual showing of AF not so terrible. Distractions are a good way to mend/ignore a broken heart.

I hope you all have a great weekend and if you are having the kind of weather we are forecast to have, I hope you can get outside and enjoy it a bit.

Now the Waiting Begins

We actually had "relations" last night, can you believe it? And don't you just love how we IF girls spew the most private of details out where everyone can read about it? So now we wait. And since I ovulated on CD10 I have a bit longer than 2 weeks. I'm going to try and stay positive that we weren't too late or too early and maybe the power of positive thinking will get me somewhere. You know, like off this seemingly never ending road of disappointment and failure.

This morning it was twice as warm outside as yesterday morning. However, it was still only 30 degrees. I'm so done with Winter and cold weather. I'm a warm weather kind of girl, for sure. Living in Southern California for 4 years when I was a kid spoiled me to no end. We actually got some flurries last night that coated the grass and driveway. I'm over the snow. There are still piles of it all up and down the road and in parking lots...it just won't melt. And it's only early January. Yay.

We have been invited to join our friends (one of which will be celebrating his 50th b-day) in Atlantic City later this month. I need to check to see if we can get a comp room because if we can't, then we aren't going. We had fun with them the last time we went...last January...so if we go, I'm sure it will be a good time. Of course, this all makes me think about the last time we went to A.C. and I was stimming and getting ready for ER. Seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I guess the emotions are still pretty raw from all of that. That was our last get away that the 2 of us took so we are due for one. We usually go away in September but we were saving for the house so we didn't go anywhere. It's time.

I don't want to use our real names on this blog but I highly doubt that anyone IRL reads it. If they did, I'm sure they would know who we are by what I write, anyway. I'm going to post some pictures of us pretty soon. And I think I might post some pictures of my scrapbooking work. I'm going to make what's called a Paper Album for BJ for Valentine's Day. It's a small paper album (as the name suggests) that has 12 or 16 pages in it. And it comes with paper and stickers for you to do with as you see fit. It's like a greeting card but it's full of pictures. He has framed photos on his desk of us and the Little Guy that are 3 years old. They were professionally taken pictures so they are nice...but they are old. And the people in his office recently said that they are tired of looking at them. :-) So I'm going to select and print some of my favorite group and couple shots of us for this paper album and he can set it on his desk and people can just come by and flip through it. Or he can stand it up and sort of fan it out to let folks see inside. I figure it's better than buying a store bought card and what do you get a guy for Valentine's Day? So that being said, I will have the pictures on a flash drive here at work so I may as well post them, right? I need to get cracking because the best day for me to work on this is MLK, Jr. day and I need to get the pictures printed soon! That way you guys can put a face to the blog.

Starting Anew

I'm not really starting "anew" but I am picking up where I left off, I suppose. I started temping yesterday morning again. I can't tell much from 2 day's worth, but I already know I'm back on track for some odd temps. I was at 97.8 yesterday, which is fine. Then of course today I'm at 98.1. That is usually a post-ovulation temp. Today is CD5 so hopefully I can get a good baseline before I ovulate. And HOPEFULLY I won't ovulate as early as I have been. I'm going to hold out hope. Although, if I stay with a CD9 ovulation, that will mean that we should do some BD'ing Saturday night. Even though we have the Little Guy this weekend, Saturday night fun time is always easier to come by then week night fun time. That would also mean that BJ should be very ready to go by then as we had some activity last night. "Yay" for things seemingly to fall into place. Of course you know this means that I will have a later ovulation and things will get all off schedule and we'll probably miss everything. But AGAIN, I'm holding out hope. I will start opk testing on Friday. I know that's early, but I don't want to miss anything.

My boss was not here Monday so yesterday really felt like my first day back to work. That's a nice thing because today is Wednesday and I was thinking it was Tuesday. I love it when it happens like that. Not so much when I think it's Friday and it's only Thursday.

I am going to a scrapbooking retreat this weekend. I actually took a day off work to attend all 3 days. I'm very excited about it. I haven't worked on anything since early June. I am a year and a half behind on pictures. I'm not staying overnight at the hotel since I live about 5 minutes from it, but it will still be nice to be able to work uninterrupted (for the most part) on my album. I will still be able to have dinner and breakfast with BJ and the Little Guy Saturday and Sunday. Plus, I need to leave Saturday for about 2 hours to attend the Little Guy's very first basketball game. I'm really excited about it. He had his first real practice Monday and seemed to enjoy it so I hope he likes playing in a game just as much. Plus, I can't wait to take some pictures for our album! And since I have the sports cartridge for my Cricut, I will be able to make some very cool layouts. Yes, I'm a scrapping geek. I have my SIL to thank for that. It has really allowed me to try and get in touch with my creative side. I stress the word "try" as I am not that crafty. But it's fun and relaxing (for the most part) and I actually have a finished product when I am done. I've never gone to a 3-day event before. I've done a few full day events and have enjoyed them so hopefully this will go well. You would be surprised how quickly the time passes when you are sitting there working. I don't know anyone (except the 2 consultants running it) that will be there so maybe I will make a new friend. It's hard at these events because people are filling their albums with baby pictures and nursery pictures and birth stories. I don't have much in common with them so it's hard to make a connection. I have pictures of the Little Guy and that definitely makes it less agonizing, but it's not the same as making a baby album or a "first steps" page or something like that. But I'm not going to let that bring me down...I'm going to work and hopefully get through the rest of 2008 pictures and if I get a lot done, I will need to print some pictures at the 1-hour place to work on the rest of the weekend.

BJ is taking off today to go and pick up our love seats! I'm so excited about it. I just wish that our ottoman was in, too. Something more to look forward to. He also needs to get a chest x-ray and an abdominal sonogram. He's had some issues and was supposed to get this stuff done months ago but he is who he is. He said he didn't want any bad news before Christmas. I don't think there is anything wrong with him. He's had 2 or 3 chest x-rays since I've known him and no one ever finds anything. But he gets short of breath at times and he's worried....since he smoked for 20 years or so. He had abdominal pain before and they never found a reason for it. I'm not concerned but I understand his fears. I'm glad he's going today and I hope he can get it done today to put his mind at ease.

We are still dealing with some issues regarding our new house and I now have 3...that's right, 3 holes in 3 different walls in my house. Lovely. I'll explain it all later as this has again gotten very long and the house deserves its own post at this point. Aren't you excited to hear me complain even more?? :-)

6DPO - Barely 1/2 Way There

I am all of 6dpo today. Today is only Tuesday. It feels like today should be at least 10dpo. *sigh*

I'm a little down in the dumps and I have no real reason to be. I think this is one of my depression times. Although, this doesn't usually happen until I'm much closer to AF. I'm trying to be more upbeat but all I want to do is just sleep and sloth around. I think some of this has to do with the fact that we went almost a week without seeing the sun. And it rained...a lot. Plus, the time changed. Add that to the fact that the trees are all dying and it just sucks the goodness out of my mood.

Halloween was good. We took the Little Guy to a neighborhood we like and met up with my SIL and her family. The niece was adorable as a puppy. She didn't feel good and was running a fever (we now know she has the flu) but she couldn't have been more content. The rain held off until about 8:00 so we got a good hour and a half in before we had to pack up. Next year I think the Little Guy's mother is going to want him so we have come up with a plan. Since we will be at our new house, we are going to decorate like crazy, dress up, scare kids and hand out candy. There should be plenty of houses built in there by that time with lots of kids to come by. It will be very hard NOT to be with the Little Guy because we have gone with him every year...oh well, we have to share.

I don't know if I've mentioned this to anyone on here, but I love to scrapbook. I've been doing it for just over a year and I love it. I go to crops (scrapbooking events with tables and door prizes and other scrappers that are usually all day events) when I can. I haven't done many since the Spring because we had to get the old house on the market and then once it sold it has become a saving money time. I went to one on 10/18 and now I'm jonesing for another one. I signed up for a retreat in January. Three full days of nothing but working on albums/pages. I can't wait. I even took a vacation day to participate. Normally, girls stay over at whatever hotel it is being held at, however, since it is only 5 minutes from where I will be living, I will just drive up there each day. It saves money and this way I can have dinner with BJ and the Little Guy each evening. Also, my dad offered to buy me the Cricut for my b-day in May. I didn't have a place for it at the old house so I took a rain check. I couldn't stand it anymore so I bought it from e-bay and it was delivered last week. I love it! I need to get better at using it because I can't seem to figure out a good way to get the little letters off the mat without tearing them. I still have no place for it at the rental, but I just had to have it in my possession. I will post pictures of my work eventually. It was my SIL that got me hooked on this....so I blame her. :-)

Looking at the calendar and going by my past, I figure I will know for sure whether or not we were successful this month by next Tuesday or Wednesday. AF is scheduled to arrive Thursday. I hate this part of the 2ww...it's the part where I start to think about what IF's?

What if...it worked?
What if...I get to tell BJ that we are pregnant?
What if...I get to tell my family (who would be on cloud 9) that they are going to have a grandchild?
What if...I get to start putting a nursery together in bedroom #4?
What if...I can finally buy all the cute little baby scrapbooking items that as of right now I just avert my eyes from?

Then I get mad at myself for even thinking such foolish thoughts. Why would this month be any different than any other month? I'll tell you why...because we timed things right and we actually have a SHOT this time. Aside from whatever has kept me from getting pregnant in the past when things were timed just right. I hate getting my hopes up and then kicking myself for getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed anyway when my period starts.

Why is this so damn hard? Sorry, I'm a bit all over the place today. I think I might be coming down with something because my temp was 98.9 this morning...and that's very high for me. I feel a bit warm right now but I also have leggins on under my pants. Not sure if I have a fever or just too many layers of clothes on. Hopefully I'm not getting sick...