I think I’ve mentioned here that I like to scrapbook. If not, then I’m mentioning it now. My SIL got me into it in late 2008. I thought it would be fun for the LG and for us to be able to look back through old pictures. I love doing that when I go to my parents’ house. I had never done it before and so I had a lot to learn...I’m still learning, actually. I had wondrous plans for making a baby album. Especially after seeing all the cute baby paper and stickers and such. I’ve always loved taking pictures of people and never really did anything with those pictures so it was the perfect hobby for me.
I dove in head first. I hit the Internet and bought oodles of tools and kits and such. We started our first few rounds of fertility treatments about this same time. I worked diligently on our wedding album. I decided that it was good to get my feet wet with a project that had a beginning and an end. I fell in love with scrapping. I went to all day crop events and just submerged myself in all things scrapping.
When we failed at our first IVF I was crushed, of course. I was also crushed that I wouldn’t be able to do a baby album...an album full of belly shots and first hospital pictures and the first time family would hold our baby. When I went to crops I would say at least 1/3 of the women there were working on baby albums. They chatted about everything baby and pregnancy and labor and I never had anything to add. A hobby that I thought would bring me friends was alienating me even more. When I did meet new people they would ask me how old my son was and I’d have to fess up that he’s my step-son. They didn’t usually have much more to say to me after that. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant with him, I didn’t birth him and I wasn’t a SAHM (which many of them are) that volunteered at school and went on field trips. It was fun to go to these events but at the same time it sucked.
Just before we were about to embark on our 2nd IVF, my SIL gave me a stack of pictures from the day the LG was born. She said she didn’t know if I wanted them but she thought I might like to at least look at them and give them to the LG. I had a brilliant idea. I’d make a special baby album for the LG. I’m sure his mother has one for him but this one would be different...it would be made by ME. As I was looking at those pictures I was happy because seeing my husband so young and happy made me smile. At the same time I was bitter because he was with another woman in those pictures...she gave him a baby and she made him smile like that...I was afraid I would never share that with him. I even bought the baby boy album kit to get started on this gift for the LG. It was supposed to be his 10th birthday present.
When I saw those 2 lines on that hpt I couldn’t have been happier. Not only was I excited about being able to join the Mommy Club, I was excited about all the scrapping that I’d get to do. I know it must sound corny, but that is the way my brain thinks now. Everything relates to scrapping somehow. I keep most of those thoughts to myself, though, otherwise people might take for a loony bird. Then my world fell apart and I lost that brief feeling of happiness. I put the LG’s album on hold. I just could not bring myself to look at those pictures. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I’m sure that all you IF’s can understand that feeling. I went to a crop in May and reluctantly continued working on the album. My heart was not in it. I was exhausted by the time I left and not from working...from fighting back the tears I wanted to cry and the anguish I was feeling. I didn’t pick it up again until October. I just couldn’t do it. It was so painful to see him as a baby and see his mother smiling with MY husband by her side....it killed me inside. BJ didn’t really understand. He kept saying, “What’s the big deal? It’s pictures of (LG).” I would try to explain it to him but he didn’t get it...not really.
In October I decided that I better get my butt in gear because I had missed the LG’s birthday and so the album would now have to be a Christmas present. Oh, and in September I signed up to be an Independent Creative Memories consultant! So exciting and scary at the same time. They came out with a way to digitally create a traditional album cover and I knew that I had to make one for the LG’s album. The kit I had bought came with a baby blue coverset which was fine, but I LOVE the personalization of the customized album cover. It turned out great! Time was of the essence now that I had the album cover. I finally finished the album on Christmas Eve! I wrapped it up and put it under the tree. BJ looked through it before I wrapped it and really liked it. The LG unwrapped it and paged through it pretty quickly. BJ was quick to tell him how much time I had spent on it. I knew he wouldn’t be very excited about it because it wasn’t a video game but I still got a big hug out of it.
I know he will better appreciate it when he’s older. If we end up telling him that his brother/sister (please don’t let that be a jinx!) was created with the help of doctors because we really thought we couldn’t have babies, then I hope he will really understand how hard it was for me to make that album for him during this time of struggling. Like I said, I’m sure his mother has made something for him but hopefully he understands how much love went into this album. On the off chance she doesn’t have anything for him then I think he (and his future wife and children) will really appreciate this gift. It was the most bittersweet gift I have ever given anyone and no one was more deserving than him.
Showing posts with label Christmas.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas.. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Christmas, New Year and Then Some
From all of the blog posts I’ve been reading everyone had a pretty good Christmas and a great New Year. There were a few exceptions but I think most have bounced back in fine fashion.
I had a good Christmas. It could have been better had I still been pregnant but I made lemonade out of my lemons. I didn’t let my heartache get to me too much. I stayed dry eyed most of the time. The Little Guy came over around 1:30 and we had our celebration. He is one spoiled child. I am one spoiled wife, too. BJ got me a great new camera...with a real lens and a tripod and he even thought of getting an extra battery. I *heart* him greatly. He’s pretty spoiled himself, though. He got new tools and a big tool box for the garage. We had a lovely dinner and it was a great day.
Once Christmas was over I was ready to put the house back together. I used to be a person that would leave the decorations up until January 1. Not anymore. If I had the energy it would have all come down the day after Christmas. As it was, I let it stay up until that Thursday. The outside stuff came down on New Year’s Eve...it was 60* so it was perfect for taking everything down and trimming the rose bushes back. It was unbelievably warm outside and we did all of this in t-shirts.
New Year’s was a little bit of a drag because I kept thinking of how big my belly should be and how going out should not have even been a thought. But we went out and had a quiet evening at the Lodge and made it home in time to see the ball drop.
While I was off I managed to get quite a bit done in my scrapping room. It was a disaster. I cleaned everything up and organized and now it’s beautiful in there. I just need some shelves for the closet. I also got quite a bit of scrapping done over break. I think I can put all of my pages into an album now. It’s amazing what I can get done when the boys are playing video games and I’m caught up with most of the cleaning because I’m at home and not at work.
Going back to work sucked. Sitting in traffic and getting home late is such a drag. I’m thankful that I can take a bus and try to chill or catch a quick a nap but at the same time I wish I were in control of how fast I drive and which way I go and who to pass, you know? It’s sort of nice to be back in a routine but I’d rather be home keeping up on the cleaning and shopping and cooking good meals for my boys. Oh well, it is what it is, right?
It’s a new year and apparently my husband has been thinking about our situation a lot. So much so that he totally surprised me at dinner on January 3. The Little Guy was at his mother’s and we were just finishing up our meal when he says to me, “I think we should forget about the pool and work on getting you pregnant.” I.was.stunned. He went on to say how he’s not getting any younger and his time is just about up as far as having a baby and how a baby is much more important than a pool anyway and that we need to go for the DE program with 6 tries and a money back guarantee. I couldn’t speak. I sat there and just stared at him. He finally started laughing and said, “well? Yes?” I just said, “ok” and got up and hugged him and thanked him and told him how sorry I was that we keep having to sacrifice so much money because I just can’t get pregnant and how this conversation and plan is coming at the right time because my due date was January 7. I squeezed him so tight and then the tears came. It was such an amazing feeling. I have lots more to write about this because nothing is ever that easy and we are slowly putting a plan together that we hope will lead us to a take home baby. I just wanted to get this out there because I’m about to burst if I don’t tell someone.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your encouraging words and your hugs and your support. You have been there for me in ways I can't even put into words. The comments, the support, the advice...I'm so grateful for all of it. I am happy to say good-bye to 2011 because even though it brought me my first BFP ever, it also brought me great heartache with my loss. I learned that I could fall instantly in love with 2 lines and then be devastated by a low beta number. It seems that everywhere I turned babies dominated. Whether it was TV commercials, movies, a lot of the Fall TV schedule....even Chuck. Not sure if any of you watch that show but the main woman just had a pregnancy scare. I just couldn’t believe how much some of this hurt. I think BJ picked up on my pain and that is what made him bring up DE with me. I think he would see me look away from the TV or leave the room or maybe it was all the negative, bitter comments I would make. I don’t know where this road will take us because things are just beginning. I just know that I have a renewed hope that scares the bejezus out of me. I have much more to write but I will stop for now. I am looking forward to sharing this new chapter with all of you and maybe finding some new blogs to follow that will help me sort out everything I’m feeling as we head down this new road. Love to you all and I hope that 2012 brings all of us much happiness and good health and healing.
I had a good Christmas. It could have been better had I still been pregnant but I made lemonade out of my lemons. I didn’t let my heartache get to me too much. I stayed dry eyed most of the time. The Little Guy came over around 1:30 and we had our celebration. He is one spoiled child. I am one spoiled wife, too. BJ got me a great new camera...with a real lens and a tripod and he even thought of getting an extra battery. I *heart* him greatly. He’s pretty spoiled himself, though. He got new tools and a big tool box for the garage. We had a lovely dinner and it was a great day.
Once Christmas was over I was ready to put the house back together. I used to be a person that would leave the decorations up until January 1. Not anymore. If I had the energy it would have all come down the day after Christmas. As it was, I let it stay up until that Thursday. The outside stuff came down on New Year’s Eve...it was 60* so it was perfect for taking everything down and trimming the rose bushes back. It was unbelievably warm outside and we did all of this in t-shirts.
New Year’s was a little bit of a drag because I kept thinking of how big my belly should be and how going out should not have even been a thought. But we went out and had a quiet evening at the Lodge and made it home in time to see the ball drop.
While I was off I managed to get quite a bit done in my scrapping room. It was a disaster. I cleaned everything up and organized and now it’s beautiful in there. I just need some shelves for the closet. I also got quite a bit of scrapping done over break. I think I can put all of my pages into an album now. It’s amazing what I can get done when the boys are playing video games and I’m caught up with most of the cleaning because I’m at home and not at work.
Going back to work sucked. Sitting in traffic and getting home late is such a drag. I’m thankful that I can take a bus and try to chill or catch a quick a nap but at the same time I wish I were in control of how fast I drive and which way I go and who to pass, you know? It’s sort of nice to be back in a routine but I’d rather be home keeping up on the cleaning and shopping and cooking good meals for my boys. Oh well, it is what it is, right?
It’s a new year and apparently my husband has been thinking about our situation a lot. So much so that he totally surprised me at dinner on January 3. The Little Guy was at his mother’s and we were just finishing up our meal when he says to me, “I think we should forget about the pool and work on getting you pregnant.” I.was.stunned. He went on to say how he’s not getting any younger and his time is just about up as far as having a baby and how a baby is much more important than a pool anyway and that we need to go for the DE program with 6 tries and a money back guarantee. I couldn’t speak. I sat there and just stared at him. He finally started laughing and said, “well? Yes?” I just said, “ok” and got up and hugged him and thanked him and told him how sorry I was that we keep having to sacrifice so much money because I just can’t get pregnant and how this conversation and plan is coming at the right time because my due date was January 7. I squeezed him so tight and then the tears came. It was such an amazing feeling. I have lots more to write about this because nothing is ever that easy and we are slowly putting a plan together that we hope will lead us to a take home baby. I just wanted to get this out there because I’m about to burst if I don’t tell someone.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your encouraging words and your hugs and your support. You have been there for me in ways I can't even put into words. The comments, the support, the advice...I'm so grateful for all of it. I am happy to say good-bye to 2011 because even though it brought me my first BFP ever, it also brought me great heartache with my loss. I learned that I could fall instantly in love with 2 lines and then be devastated by a low beta number. It seems that everywhere I turned babies dominated. Whether it was TV commercials, movies, a lot of the Fall TV schedule....even Chuck. Not sure if any of you watch that show but the main woman just had a pregnancy scare. I just couldn’t believe how much some of this hurt. I think BJ picked up on my pain and that is what made him bring up DE with me. I think he would see me look away from the TV or leave the room or maybe it was all the negative, bitter comments I would make. I don’t know where this road will take us because things are just beginning. I just know that I have a renewed hope that scares the bejezus out of me. I have much more to write but I will stop for now. I am looking forward to sharing this new chapter with all of you and maybe finding some new blogs to follow that will help me sort out everything I’m feeling as we head down this new road. Love to you all and I hope that 2012 brings all of us much happiness and good health and healing.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Just Hangin' Around
I’m still here. I’ve been absent for quite a while and I fear that I have some rust to remove from my writing hands. I’ve been reading all of your blogs and following along with your struggles, your pregnancies and watching your children grow and change. I just haven’t been a good commenter. I feel that I usually don’t have much insight to add. Especially when it comes to sleep schedules, new foods to feed babies, cloth diapering or how to stay healthy during pregnancy. It’s true...most of the blogs I read have moved to the other side. There is a few that still struggle with IF but that is the minority of the blogs I have in my Reader. Anywho...
I’ve gotten a couple of comments recently asking me how I’m doing and if things get better and how I’m dealing with everything. Here is what I can tell you:
• Life goes on. As much as we don’t want it to, it does. And it seems to move at lightning speed sometimes. Then at other times it slows to a pace that rivals a snail crawling across the sidewalk.
• It still hurts. Every day I hurt. I have to put it aside and keep it to myself, but it’s still there. This time of year can be especially painful. I had to endure my SIL’s Christmas party where there were about 5 toddlers, a 1-year-old, a newborn and a pregnant woman. There’s a story about the pregnant woman but it can wait. I came home and cried...in my bathroom...alone. I held the beautiful necklace that my bloggy buddy Esperanza sent to me right after my loss. It’s the first time since the day I received it that I held it in my hand and spoke to it like I was speaking to my lost child. It sits on my bathroom counter and I have touched it a few times but this is the first time that I held it and cried.
• I still have h-o-p-e. I don’t know why and I don’t know where it comes from. It sneaks in at really bad times and plays with my emotions like nothing I’ve ever known. It sucks, but I still have hope. Even though I know I have crap eggs and nothing will change about that. Even though I do not (nor will I ever) have the money for donor eggs. Even with a mental understanding that God never intended for me to have a child, I have hope.
• I’m ok. I’m not good or great or enthusiastic ...but I’m ok. As ok as I can be. Well, I guess I could work harder at it but I’m lazy and I’m not ready to try that hard.
This Christmas is proving to be a really tough one for me. I’m a step mother and that is a good thing. I get to have a child in my life and to experience holidays and such in a “family” way. I’m a hockey fan and I have turned my step son (and my husband) into fans, too. It’s sort of our “thing”. The Little Guy and I go to games and to the Convention and I buy him hockey gear and trinkets and things like that. His mother is a huge NASCAR fan. We like racing but not as much as she does. It’s sort of “their” thing. All of a sudden, she is invading my private space. She bought the Little Guy a new jersey, hockey tickets and a night in a hotel after the game. She also bought herself a matching jersey. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like that the LG and I share this so she wants to let me know who’s boss...so to speak. BJ is not happy about it but what can he say? We can’t tell her she’s not allowed to buy those things. But seriously? Why is she taking this away from me? It’s not like I don’t know where I stand in his life. I know who Top Dog is and it’s not me. It just sucks. I don’t have much with him that is just “ours” and now I really don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t care. If it’s selfish then call me Queen Selfish. Not to mention that on Christmas day I should be 38 weeks pregnant and about to welcome my own little miracle to the world. That, too, was taken from me. Sometimes I really wonder how the Universe works and why it seems to work against me in these ways.
I have much to be thankful for and trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. I have a family, I have my health, and I have a job and a house and car. I’m able to buy things for others for Christmas and also to help out a few charitable causes. I’m grateful to be able to do those things. It gives me a happy feeling inside. Again, I’m being selfish, but I want to be able to do the one thing I can’t.
I have much more to update but for now I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wanted to let anyone that might be suffering that a) you are not alone and b) it gets better...it doesn’t go away, but it gets better.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very blessed New Year! There are many of you that will have your babies in your arms for the first time this Christmas...Joy to the World!! And there are others that will spend this Christmas with a big belly...Halleluiah!! I wish you all nothing but goodness and good cheer. I can’t wait to see more pictures with Santa and first Christmas pictures. Love to you all!
I’ve gotten a couple of comments recently asking me how I’m doing and if things get better and how I’m dealing with everything. Here is what I can tell you:
• Life goes on. As much as we don’t want it to, it does. And it seems to move at lightning speed sometimes. Then at other times it slows to a pace that rivals a snail crawling across the sidewalk.
• It still hurts. Every day I hurt. I have to put it aside and keep it to myself, but it’s still there. This time of year can be especially painful. I had to endure my SIL’s Christmas party where there were about 5 toddlers, a 1-year-old, a newborn and a pregnant woman. There’s a story about the pregnant woman but it can wait. I came home and cried...in my bathroom...alone. I held the beautiful necklace that my bloggy buddy Esperanza sent to me right after my loss. It’s the first time since the day I received it that I held it in my hand and spoke to it like I was speaking to my lost child. It sits on my bathroom counter and I have touched it a few times but this is the first time that I held it and cried.
• I still have h-o-p-e. I don’t know why and I don’t know where it comes from. It sneaks in at really bad times and plays with my emotions like nothing I’ve ever known. It sucks, but I still have hope. Even though I know I have crap eggs and nothing will change about that. Even though I do not (nor will I ever) have the money for donor eggs. Even with a mental understanding that God never intended for me to have a child, I have hope.
• I’m ok. I’m not good or great or enthusiastic ...but I’m ok. As ok as I can be. Well, I guess I could work harder at it but I’m lazy and I’m not ready to try that hard.
This Christmas is proving to be a really tough one for me. I’m a step mother and that is a good thing. I get to have a child in my life and to experience holidays and such in a “family” way. I’m a hockey fan and I have turned my step son (and my husband) into fans, too. It’s sort of our “thing”. The Little Guy and I go to games and to the Convention and I buy him hockey gear and trinkets and things like that. His mother is a huge NASCAR fan. We like racing but not as much as she does. It’s sort of “their” thing. All of a sudden, she is invading my private space. She bought the Little Guy a new jersey, hockey tickets and a night in a hotel after the game. She also bought herself a matching jersey. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like that the LG and I share this so she wants to let me know who’s boss...so to speak. BJ is not happy about it but what can he say? We can’t tell her she’s not allowed to buy those things. But seriously? Why is she taking this away from me? It’s not like I don’t know where I stand in his life. I know who Top Dog is and it’s not me. It just sucks. I don’t have much with him that is just “ours” and now I really don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t care. If it’s selfish then call me Queen Selfish. Not to mention that on Christmas day I should be 38 weeks pregnant and about to welcome my own little miracle to the world. That, too, was taken from me. Sometimes I really wonder how the Universe works and why it seems to work against me in these ways.
I have much to be thankful for and trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. I have a family, I have my health, and I have a job and a house and car. I’m able to buy things for others for Christmas and also to help out a few charitable causes. I’m grateful to be able to do those things. It gives me a happy feeling inside. Again, I’m being selfish, but I want to be able to do the one thing I can’t.
I have much more to update but for now I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wanted to let anyone that might be suffering that a) you are not alone and b) it gets better...it doesn’t go away, but it gets better.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very blessed New Year! There are many of you that will have your babies in your arms for the first time this Christmas...Joy to the World!! And there are others that will spend this Christmas with a big belly...Halleluiah!! I wish you all nothing but goodness and good cheer. I can’t wait to see more pictures with Santa and first Christmas pictures. Love to you all!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Old and the New
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch over the holiday season. It was a tough time for me as well as a busy time and it's hard to find posting time at home. I'm going to to give a quick recap of the end of last year and the beginning of this year. Well, I say "quick' but ya'll know me...I blabber. :-)
It seems that 2011 has brought many of the same emotions that I had in 2010. So I guess it's not really out with the old and in with the new around here. It's just more of the same. I also need to write a post about my mother. I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the story but I need to. She called me out of the blue yesterday and I just don't know what to make of it all.
I loved reading about everyone's Christmas and now that I have my iPhone, I've been able to read more on my own time. I'm still trying to figure out the easiest way to comment from my phone. I've done it a few times but it can be a little cumbersome on some blogs. I hope everyone has a great year this year, whether it's getting pregnant, giving birth, adopting or just living life with your new baby(ies). I hope for nothing but happiness for you all and hearts full of joy. That is what a new year and new beginning is all about, right?
- Christmas was great. My husband spoiled me by getting me the new iPhone, an external hard drive and several scrapbooking items that were on my wish list. He's the best. I spoiled him by getting him 2 power tools, tinting his windows in his truck, a Winter Classic t-shirt and some other odds and ends. The Little Guy was the most spoiled, of course. He got lots of cool shirts (and yes, he liked them as they were 98% skater related), 4 video games and an electric guitar with lessons. Oh, and a complete array of art supplies to try and encourage his creative side. One guess of who got him the art supplies and who got him the video games. :-)
- Christmas sucked. AF showed up first thing in the morning. I knew she would. She always knows how to ruin everything.
- The Little Guy was supposed to attend basketball camp for a 1/2 day for 4 days while he was off school. Of course, he wound up with a nasty head cold and was unable to go at all. It put a damper on most of my plans but I adjusted and was able to get some of my errands done anyway.
- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas taking everything down and putting it on the dining room table. We took the outside decorations down on Saturday because it was the warmest day without rain or snow. I had to buy some new storage bins to accommodate our decorations and then I packed everything away and took it to the basement. It was kind of a cleansing feeling.
- New Year's was pretty laid back. I bought a new outfit and told BJ that he was taking me somewhere, anywhere so that I wasn't just sitting at home. We finally decided to go to dinner locally and then go to the neighbor's house to hang out. I really had wanted to go out and go dancing and stay at a hotel but it was just too expensive. We did call ahead seating and upon arrival were told that we still had an hour wait. Holy cow! As it turns out, we only waited 23 minutes to be seated. Awesome! We had a really good dinner and I enjoyed a mixed drink. :-) We chilled at the restaurant because I didn't want to get to the neighbor's too early and be bored. We were joined by another set of neighbors and we listened to iPod music and had the TV on but muted so we could watch for the ball to drop. The guys played pool and darts. We found some songs on the neighbor's iPod that we could dance to so the night wasn't a total bore for me. :-)
- We watched the Winter Classic on TV and I about had a coronary. It had the feeling of a Stanley Cup Game 7 for me. Of course, the outcome was fantastic! My team played so good and I was so proud of them for rising to the occasion and showing that they can go to our rival's home turf and still come out with a win.
- It was back to work Monday and things have been strange here to say the least. My boss announced that she will be retiring this Spring. I've worked for her for almost 11 years. I'm going to be lost without her. She's always been very understanding and allowed me what time I needed for anything from getting my hair done (taking a little longer at lunch) to adjusting my hours to attend the Little Guy's baseball games, to completely cheering me on during my fertility treatments. She, herself, did many IUI's to conceive her 2nd child. I don't know what the future holds but I hope I get another boss as understanding as she has been.
- 2011 is a scary year for me and my reproductive future. It's the year of my End Game. It scares the hell out of me. At the same time, though, I'm slowly coming to grips with it. My 35th birthday is just over 5 months away. If I have not conceived by then, we are done. BJ has made a couple of comments lately about his age and not wanting to be a grandfather to his own child. I worry about my eggs. The Little Guy will be 10 in June. All the pieces are coming together for me to put this chapter of my life behind me. There has been a (surprising) couple of mentions of adoption in our house lately. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have so many thoughts whirling around my head about it that I need to get them all on paper in their own post.
It seems that 2011 has brought many of the same emotions that I had in 2010. So I guess it's not really out with the old and in with the new around here. It's just more of the same. I also need to write a post about my mother. I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the story but I need to. She called me out of the blue yesterday and I just don't know what to make of it all.
I loved reading about everyone's Christmas and now that I have my iPhone, I've been able to read more on my own time. I'm still trying to figure out the easiest way to comment from my phone. I've done it a few times but it can be a little cumbersome on some blogs. I hope everyone has a great year this year, whether it's getting pregnant, giving birth, adopting or just living life with your new baby(ies). I hope for nothing but happiness for you all and hearts full of joy. That is what a new year and new beginning is all about, right?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Taking the Plunge
My temperature took the mighty plunge this morning. I was up to 98.7 yesterday and then back down to 98.0 today. That is my coverline temp and I'm 13DPO so I'm guessing AF will be here just in time for Christmas Eve if not tomorrow. My leutel phase is usually 16-17 days so with my luck, she'll be here Christmas Day. Oh joy. I'm trying really hard to pick my spirits up and I know I have a fight on my hands with AF looming and my hormones being all PMS'y and what not. I am very excited for BJ and the Little Guy to open their presents and that helps some.
The Little Guy and I were fortunate enough to be able to take a tour of the White House in all its Christmas glory last night. I don't think I've been in such awe ever in my life. Besides being absolutely beautiful, it was amazing to know the history of who walked the halls before me. I picked the Little Guy up from school and we headed downtown. We ate dinner (which was really good) and then we walked over to get in line. It was cold but we came prepared. Our tour time was scheduled for 7:00 so we got in line early. We have learned our lesson from going to the Easter Egg Roll. We got in line at 6:06 and were in the White House by 7:00. The couple in front of us and another couple behind us were scheduled for 6:00...we did GOOD by getting in line early.
The Little Guy had a good time, too. We both could have hung out longer after we walked through but we have a hefty drive home and we both had to get up early this morning. BJ said he may just come with us next year. I sure hope so. I really missed having him there. It was definitely something I would have loved to share with him.
I have one present to pick up today and then wrap and then I am 100% done with shopping and wrapping. Everything else is wrapped and hiding away just waiting to be uncovered and placed under the tree. I can't believe how close Christmas is and how fast it will be over. Shopping was definitely more of a challenge this year because neither of us received a bonus. I know how fortunate we are just to HAVE jobs, believe me, I do. It's just that I have gotten a bonus for 9 years in a row and it really helps with holiday shopping. I'm sure once the credit card bill rolls in I will really be missing our bonuses. Especially since I know my husband will not stick to a tight budget. If he wants me to have it, he buys it. I'm more thrifty. I look for free shipping, 1-day sales and things like that. I plan ahead. He is spur of the moment, fly by the seat of his pants. Hopefully he didn't do too much damage to our card. :-) And he told me that whenever gift wrapping was available, he was taking advantage. He hates wrapping. Poor thing. I told him that once the Little Guy gets better at wrapping that we can pay him a small fee to wrap all the presents...except his own of course.
I hope that all of you have a wonderful, splendid, joy-filled, exuberant, safe and happy holiday - whatever you may be celebrating. I hope that 2011 brings a baby to your arms or at least to your womb. For those of you that are already mommies or expecting...I hope that your children continue to grow and thrive and bring joy to your heart. May God bless each and every one of you, from my heart to yours.
The Little Guy and I were fortunate enough to be able to take a tour of the White House in all its Christmas glory last night. I don't think I've been in such awe ever in my life. Besides being absolutely beautiful, it was amazing to know the history of who walked the halls before me. I picked the Little Guy up from school and we headed downtown. We ate dinner (which was really good) and then we walked over to get in line. It was cold but we came prepared. Our tour time was scheduled for 7:00 so we got in line early. We have learned our lesson from going to the Easter Egg Roll. We got in line at 6:06 and were in the White House by 7:00. The couple in front of us and another couple behind us were scheduled for 6:00...we did GOOD by getting in line early.
The Little Guy had a good time, too. We both could have hung out longer after we walked through but we have a hefty drive home and we both had to get up early this morning. BJ said he may just come with us next year. I sure hope so. I really missed having him there. It was definitely something I would have loved to share with him.
I have one present to pick up today and then wrap and then I am 100% done with shopping and wrapping. Everything else is wrapped and hiding away just waiting to be uncovered and placed under the tree. I can't believe how close Christmas is and how fast it will be over. Shopping was definitely more of a challenge this year because neither of us received a bonus. I know how fortunate we are just to HAVE jobs, believe me, I do. It's just that I have gotten a bonus for 9 years in a row and it really helps with holiday shopping. I'm sure once the credit card bill rolls in I will really be missing our bonuses. Especially since I know my husband will not stick to a tight budget. If he wants me to have it, he buys it. I'm more thrifty. I look for free shipping, 1-day sales and things like that. I plan ahead. He is spur of the moment, fly by the seat of his pants. Hopefully he didn't do too much damage to our card. :-) And he told me that whenever gift wrapping was available, he was taking advantage. He hates wrapping. Poor thing. I told him that once the Little Guy gets better at wrapping that we can pay him a small fee to wrap all the presents...except his own of course.
I hope that all of you have a wonderful, splendid, joy-filled, exuberant, safe and happy holiday - whatever you may be celebrating. I hope that 2011 brings a baby to your arms or at least to your womb. For those of you that are already mommies or expecting...I hope that your children continue to grow and thrive and bring joy to your heart. May God bless each and every one of you, from my heart to yours.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Baby's First Christmas
I should be out shopping for the perfect ornament for my child's first Christmas. I should be frantically trying to find a 4th stocking that matches the ones I bought 2 years ago for BJ, the Little Guy and myself. I should be receiving way too many gifts from family and friends for our child. I should have had a family picture taken to make Christmas cards like all the "normal" families do. I should be standing in line at the mall with a screaming baby in the hopes of getting a decent picture with Santa. I should be figuring out how to keep my 8 month old from grabbing ornaments off of our tree.
But I'm not. Our IVF failed, as I have mentioned no less than 100 times on this blog. I'm sure you are sick of hearing it at this point. But it hurts all the time. Especially when I think about everything mentioned in the above paragraph. I feel lonely and lost. I feel jipped and jinxed. I feel bitter. I'm not exactly sure what I'm bitter at, but it's there...lingering.
Then I read the blogs in my "Babies after IF" folder and I am overcome with happiness. So much so, that I am on the verge of tears sometimes. Happy and sad tears. So very happy that I know these women that get to do all of those things above. They fought tooth and nail to get those babies that will have a first Christmas this year and they are so deserving. The sad tears are pretty self explanatory. I'm sad for me. I'm sad that I'm left behind and that I'm still fighting. Then I'm mad at myself for throwing a pity party so I move on to other thoughts. I try to stay with the happy feelings most of the time, but it's hard. When I see the stockings hanging it tugs at my heart that we are missing one.
I know that not all IVF's work and sometimes you need 2 or 3 or 8 to get a baby. We had one shot. We put all our eggs in one uterus (ha ha). We had 2 perfect embryos and neither one stuck. It's the hand I was dealt and I just need to learn to accept it. I just don't know how. Especially when all I can think about is how this was to be our baby's first Christmas.
But I'm not. Our IVF failed, as I have mentioned no less than 100 times on this blog. I'm sure you are sick of hearing it at this point. But it hurts all the time. Especially when I think about everything mentioned in the above paragraph. I feel lonely and lost. I feel jipped and jinxed. I feel bitter. I'm not exactly sure what I'm bitter at, but it's there...lingering.
Then I read the blogs in my "Babies after IF" folder and I am overcome with happiness. So much so, that I am on the verge of tears sometimes. Happy and sad tears. So very happy that I know these women that get to do all of those things above. They fought tooth and nail to get those babies that will have a first Christmas this year and they are so deserving. The sad tears are pretty self explanatory. I'm sad for me. I'm sad that I'm left behind and that I'm still fighting. Then I'm mad at myself for throwing a pity party so I move on to other thoughts. I try to stay with the happy feelings most of the time, but it's hard. When I see the stockings hanging it tugs at my heart that we are missing one.
I know that not all IVF's work and sometimes you need 2 or 3 or 8 to get a baby. We had one shot. We put all our eggs in one uterus (ha ha). We had 2 perfect embryos and neither one stuck. It's the hand I was dealt and I just need to learn to accept it. I just don't know how. Especially when all I can think about is how this was to be our baby's first Christmas.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Bull's-eye?
Again, I apologize for being absent. I've been busy here at work and well, just really haven't felt like typing out all the crazy things in my head. I've been fooling myself that I'm doing better this year with the Christmas spirit. I can only lie to myself for so long before I finally admit how I'm feeling on the inside. I love Christmas and cheer and the magic and thinking about the baby that was born so that my soul can be saved. Things just aren't the same as they used to be this time of year. Ever since our failed IVF I just have not been the same at Christmas time. Last year I had moving as a great distraction and apparently the scapegoat for my aversion to Christmas. It has occurred to me that I was feeling those things because I don't have a child and I have lost almost all hopes of ever having a child. It sucks to feel this way. Like I said, I love Christmas. It's always been a time of glitter and lights and pure beauty. Our house is decorated as are most of the houses in our neighborhood. I've never had so many decorations up around me as an adult. We've done quite a bit of gift shopping already and are almost done with everyone we have to buy for (except each other). I just don't feel all the good feelings that are supposed to come along with Christmas.
Not all of this is IF related. I have a couple of dates in November and December that I have never written about yet that are very sad for me. I try to push them aside and move on but it's not that easy. I lost so much on those dates and my life, and the lives of the others affected by the losses, will never be the same. I do most of that suffering in private. BJ understands my grief but he doesn't like to talk about those types of things and he's not the most sensitive of guys. That's ok as I prefer to grieve alone anyway.
Given those sad anniversaries and the fact that I'm really starting to believe, to know, that I will not be a mother have really dragged me down this year. I gave myself a deadline to achieve a pregnancy and that deadline is my 35th birthday. That deadline is fast approaching. The closer it gets the more I come to accept my childless fate. I know that I should not give up hope but how can I hold onto it after 10 years? There has to be an "end game". I have to have a stopping point. We can't afford anymore medical intervention and I don't know that I would do it again anyway. I mean, how will they make my eggs better? My eggs are what they are and they are obviously crap. Another round of IVF wouldn't change that fact.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of trying, waiting, hoping, dreaming, crying, hurting and failing. And yet, I'm still temping and charting and peeing on opk sticks. I just don't know how to fully let go yet. It's like I'm just going through the motions for the sake of saying that we are still trying. None of it means anything. It's all wasted effort but yet I'm still doing it. And I guess I will still be doing it until my birthday next May. At that point I will need to be done. BJ and I will have a conversation about what form of birth control we think is best for us. I've been leaning toward the permanent implant. There can be no hope when my tubes are blocked, right? The hope will finally go away and let me learn how to live child-free. I have a lot to learn in that area because I've never even come close to being able to imagine a life like that.
The title of today's post is rather ironic. Given everything I have stated above you will find my next few sentences rather contradictory. That's how I roll. I have a battle going on inside of me between hope and defeat. Unfortunately, hope is on the winning side right now. I tested positive with my opk yesterday. BJ and I did the deed last night. About 3 hours ago I began to feel the tell tale ovary pain that signals ovulation. There's nothing like knowing that as far as timing goes we have hit the bull's-eye. Now I will sit here and wait out the next 16-17 days to see if I will be blessed with the best Christmas present ever.
I'm sorry to be so glum. And I know that I need to do a Happiness post but I needed to get this off my chest and out of my brain before I can move on. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me to spill my guts to. I've been reading your blogs, too. I'm not that great at commenting but I'm here and I'm always thinking of you guys. I'm going to get an iPhone in the new year and will really be able to dive into commenting the way I'd like. I'm off tomorrow to try and do some shopping for BJ so I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I actually have some great plans for this weekend that I hope to share with all of you next week.
Not all of this is IF related. I have a couple of dates in November and December that I have never written about yet that are very sad for me. I try to push them aside and move on but it's not that easy. I lost so much on those dates and my life, and the lives of the others affected by the losses, will never be the same. I do most of that suffering in private. BJ understands my grief but he doesn't like to talk about those types of things and he's not the most sensitive of guys. That's ok as I prefer to grieve alone anyway.
Given those sad anniversaries and the fact that I'm really starting to believe, to know, that I will not be a mother have really dragged me down this year. I gave myself a deadline to achieve a pregnancy and that deadline is my 35th birthday. That deadline is fast approaching. The closer it gets the more I come to accept my childless fate. I know that I should not give up hope but how can I hold onto it after 10 years? There has to be an "end game". I have to have a stopping point. We can't afford anymore medical intervention and I don't know that I would do it again anyway. I mean, how will they make my eggs better? My eggs are what they are and they are obviously crap. Another round of IVF wouldn't change that fact.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of trying, waiting, hoping, dreaming, crying, hurting and failing. And yet, I'm still temping and charting and peeing on opk sticks. I just don't know how to fully let go yet. It's like I'm just going through the motions for the sake of saying that we are still trying. None of it means anything. It's all wasted effort but yet I'm still doing it. And I guess I will still be doing it until my birthday next May. At that point I will need to be done. BJ and I will have a conversation about what form of birth control we think is best for us. I've been leaning toward the permanent implant. There can be no hope when my tubes are blocked, right? The hope will finally go away and let me learn how to live child-free. I have a lot to learn in that area because I've never even come close to being able to imagine a life like that.
The title of today's post is rather ironic. Given everything I have stated above you will find my next few sentences rather contradictory. That's how I roll. I have a battle going on inside of me between hope and defeat. Unfortunately, hope is on the winning side right now. I tested positive with my opk yesterday. BJ and I did the deed last night. About 3 hours ago I began to feel the tell tale ovary pain that signals ovulation. There's nothing like knowing that as far as timing goes we have hit the bull's-eye. Now I will sit here and wait out the next 16-17 days to see if I will be blessed with the best Christmas present ever.
I'm sorry to be so glum. And I know that I need to do a Happiness post but I needed to get this off my chest and out of my brain before I can move on. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me to spill my guts to. I've been reading your blogs, too. I'm not that great at commenting but I'm here and I'm always thinking of you guys. I'm going to get an iPhone in the new year and will really be able to dive into commenting the way I'd like. I'm off tomorrow to try and do some shopping for BJ so I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I actually have some great plans for this weekend that I hope to share with all of you next week.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Improving the Home
I've gained some new readers in the passed year so I'm going to recap just a bit on our house. BJ and I were able to sell my house last Summer and have a house built. If you've never gone through the process, it's not as easy as it seems. There are 1,000 choices to make before they even break ground. Builders also make their money off of upgrades and options. We were pretty smart about what we chose to upgrade, I think. There are some things that we wished we had known because we would have done them differently but how much can you know before you live in a house? And not only that, but the house we came from was so...ordinary, that everything we picked was like a luxury to us. Anyway, certain things were not upgraded because we knew we could do it cheaper (and probably better) on our own or with the help of BJ's contractors from work. How much work could there be in a new home you may ask? See this post to get an idea of our plans.
We bought our hardware for our cabinets months ago. BJ finally installed everything about a month ago. We had our kitchen floor and backsplash installed in June. I have been waiting since then for BJ to put the shoe molding up. He finally brought some home Thursday. We actually stained and painted all of it yesterday! I will have a complete kitchen by this weekend (hopefully!). I can't tell you how excited I am. I will be able to take pictures and show all of you the transformation from the beginning. I have been promising pictures for a very long time but I refused to post any until it was done. There will be painting and more decorating along the way, but once the shoe molding gets put up, it's done for the foreseeable future in my opinion.
As we were walking through Lowe's, we casually strolled down the curtain aisle. I need some sheer curtains for the office. Of course, they didn't have any that were long enough. However, we did stumble upon some red and black curtains that we grabbed for the Little Guy's room. AND, we even put them up yesterday! I ironed them and everything. Aren't you proud of us? I sure am. It was a feat to buy them and put them up all in the same weekend. Go us!
We still have a quite a few projects to complete but we are on our way. I'm hoping to have my wood floors installed by Christmas but I'm not holding my breath. Neither BJ nor I are getting a bonus this holiday season so the floors will probably wait until the Spring. I absolutely hate our carpet. It's so cheap and such low quality. I can't believe they actually put it in people's brand new homes. We haven't even lived there a year yet and we don't wear our shoes on the carpet and it's already smooshed down and looks like we've lived there 5 years. The only time it looks decent is when I first vacuum it. It will be fine until it can be replaced. That is the only thing that keeps me sane about it...it will be replaced and soon.
We went looking for a pre-lit Christmas tree Saturday. We looked at 3 places and finally found one that we liked. It was the right height, width and price. It only comes in clear lights. Drats. I like multi-colored lights on my tree. So it's back to the drawing board. I know it may seem crazy to be looking for a tree right now, but we only have until Thanksgiving weekend to find one. The house gets decorated over the long weekend. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to it. I was in a major funk last year but I'm ready to make my house pretty. We bought a few things and have an idea of more things we'd like to get so we are on a bit of a roll right now. I even made my first QVC purchase of the season last night! I can't wait for it to come in the mail. It's a wired strand of lights and it will have many uses...I bought 2 and I'm hoping that's enough. :-) Bring on the Christmas cheer!
We bought our hardware for our cabinets months ago. BJ finally installed everything about a month ago. We had our kitchen floor and backsplash installed in June. I have been waiting since then for BJ to put the shoe molding up. He finally brought some home Thursday. We actually stained and painted all of it yesterday! I will have a complete kitchen by this weekend (hopefully!). I can't tell you how excited I am. I will be able to take pictures and show all of you the transformation from the beginning. I have been promising pictures for a very long time but I refused to post any until it was done. There will be painting and more decorating along the way, but once the shoe molding gets put up, it's done for the foreseeable future in my opinion.
As we were walking through Lowe's, we casually strolled down the curtain aisle. I need some sheer curtains for the office. Of course, they didn't have any that were long enough. However, we did stumble upon some red and black curtains that we grabbed for the Little Guy's room. AND, we even put them up yesterday! I ironed them and everything. Aren't you proud of us? I sure am. It was a feat to buy them and put them up all in the same weekend. Go us!
We still have a quite a few projects to complete but we are on our way. I'm hoping to have my wood floors installed by Christmas but I'm not holding my breath. Neither BJ nor I are getting a bonus this holiday season so the floors will probably wait until the Spring. I absolutely hate our carpet. It's so cheap and such low quality. I can't believe they actually put it in people's brand new homes. We haven't even lived there a year yet and we don't wear our shoes on the carpet and it's already smooshed down and looks like we've lived there 5 years. The only time it looks decent is when I first vacuum it. It will be fine until it can be replaced. That is the only thing that keeps me sane about it...it will be replaced and soon.
We went looking for a pre-lit Christmas tree Saturday. We looked at 3 places and finally found one that we liked. It was the right height, width and price. It only comes in clear lights. Drats. I like multi-colored lights on my tree. So it's back to the drawing board. I know it may seem crazy to be looking for a tree right now, but we only have until Thanksgiving weekend to find one. The house gets decorated over the long weekend. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to it. I was in a major funk last year but I'm ready to make my house pretty. We bought a few things and have an idea of more things we'd like to get so we are on a bit of a roll right now. I even made my first QVC purchase of the season last night! I can't wait for it to come in the mail. It's a wired strand of lights and it will have many uses...I bought 2 and I'm hoping that's enough. :-) Bring on the Christmas cheer!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Welcome Back
So I haven't updated since 12/23...bad me. I have been reading and keeping up with just about everyone else's blog and I must say...it's pretty busy around here! There has been a lot of activity in the past week and a half to say the least. We have FETs, DEs, IVFs, IUIs galore! I hope that each and every one of you get (and keep) your BFP! So happy and hopeful for all of you...you know who you are.
I'm going to try and keep this short as I have a tendency to babble, as you know. So wish me luck.
Christmas was good. It was nice spending it in our new house together and having the Little Guy wake up there. He was spoiled, as kids should be at this time of year. The not so good part was that we had to give him up at 12:00 so he could spend the rest of the day with his mom and her boyfriend and his kids. We were lonely after he left. And of course the mind starts going in the direction of how I should be pregnant and anticipating the arrival of a Spring baby and how we will never be alone on Christmas day again...SNAP back to reality. We had a nice day together and that is what is really important. My husband also spoiled me this year, as he tends to do at Christmas. I don't get a lot, but I get good quality, thoughtful gifts. I actually enjoy giving more than getting anyway. I received a beautiful red laptop that I named Scarlett. I love Scarlett so far. She is big and shiny and has all kinds of cool software...including Windows 7. I'm still learning some things about Scarlett so it will take me a while before we are best buds, but we are getting there. I also got a Kindle. I have been talking about it for well over a year now and I never expected to actually own one, but I do. I downloaded my first book today and completely enjoyed clicking through the pages on my lunch break. I just wish that I could get all of my blogs on there...that would ROCK.
If we didn't have a Christmas party to attend on the Sunday after Christmas, the tree and all the decorations would have come down. I waited until Monday morning to take everything down. I was so tired of looking at it. I have had a really hard time with my favorite holiday this year and I just can't pinpoint why. I'm hoping that next year I will be back to my regular self again. I normally don't take any Christmas stuff down until January 1.
We spent NY's with BJ's sister and another couple at the sister's house. We wanted to ring in the new year at our new house but his sister already had plans with this other couple that they usually spend that time with so we adjusted. It was fun. The kids and adults took turns playing the Wii and we had a fun time. We left about 2 minutes after midnight, though. :-)
We went to 5 furniture stores looking for a new couch and love seat on NY's day. We found a set that we really liked at one place but had to give up on it because the arms were not padded much and it was as if there was a metal rod in there...not comfy. We couldn't decide if we wanted reclining furniture or a set with an ottoman. I love an ottoman but BJ was partial to the recliners...he IS a man after all. So we set out again on Saturday. After about 2 1/2 hours at a big store, we settled upon a set (with an over sized ottoman!) only to figure out that it probably would be too big for the room. UGH! Since when did furniture shopping get so hard? We decided to get 2 loveseats instead of a loveseat and sofa. We think it will be great in the room and with the over sized ottoman, it will offer plenty of seating for people. Plus, with our new kitchen table (on order) everyone will feel like they are in the same room anyway! Yay! We also bought the little guy his bunk beds. No mattresses yet, though. We don't like the bunk bed mattress as they are thin and I'm sure not very good for you. So we are looking around for inexpensive but decent mattresses that will last him for many years to come. Good luck to us. The bed he has now will do until we get mattresses.
I worked in the new house on my first Monday off more than I thought I would. I unpacked box after box after box. Our garage is full of empty boxes just waiting for the new neighbors to come and get them for when they move in in a few weeks. Go me! It took me 8 hours but I got about 90% unpacked. I'm pretty proud of myself. I also think I burned myself out because I haven't unpacked anything else since!
On the TTC side of things (since this is an infertility blog after all), my lovely body has decided to go haywire again. My period started on 1/2 giving me a 23 day cycle. WTH is THAT? Unbelievable. Well, these days I'm beginning to believe just about anything is possible with my body. It just sucks to be so unpredictable. I'm not used to it. I'm really thinking about calling the new RE/OB and seeing if I can meet with him again and let him know what's been going on with me to see if we can figure something out. I don't know why I'm procrastinating with this. I think it's because I know my only option is IVF and I can't afford it right now, if ever again. I would love to do a Clomid cycle without injections and monitoring and all that but I'm not very good at asking for things like that. I feel like a burden even though I'm the patient and I should have some say in my treatment. I'll talk it over with BJ and see what he thinks. I need to dig my bbt out of my purse so I can get back in the habit of temping again. Less than a month of not doing it and I'm already out of sync.
I have a lot more to say but I'll save it for another day as this is getting pretty long. To give you a preview, we are having some problems with our new house. I know, who would have thunk it?
I'm wishing for a great 2010 and babies for us all! I hope that all of you that are in the 2ww of whatever procedure you are undergoing get a great BFP that sticks and brings you much joy!
I'm going to try and keep this short as I have a tendency to babble, as you know. So wish me luck.
Christmas was good. It was nice spending it in our new house together and having the Little Guy wake up there. He was spoiled, as kids should be at this time of year. The not so good part was that we had to give him up at 12:00 so he could spend the rest of the day with his mom and her boyfriend and his kids. We were lonely after he left. And of course the mind starts going in the direction of how I should be pregnant and anticipating the arrival of a Spring baby and how we will never be alone on Christmas day again...SNAP back to reality. We had a nice day together and that is what is really important. My husband also spoiled me this year, as he tends to do at Christmas. I don't get a lot, but I get good quality, thoughtful gifts. I actually enjoy giving more than getting anyway. I received a beautiful red laptop that I named Scarlett. I love Scarlett so far. She is big and shiny and has all kinds of cool software...including Windows 7. I'm still learning some things about Scarlett so it will take me a while before we are best buds, but we are getting there. I also got a Kindle. I have been talking about it for well over a year now and I never expected to actually own one, but I do. I downloaded my first book today and completely enjoyed clicking through the pages on my lunch break. I just wish that I could get all of my blogs on there...that would ROCK.
If we didn't have a Christmas party to attend on the Sunday after Christmas, the tree and all the decorations would have come down. I waited until Monday morning to take everything down. I was so tired of looking at it. I have had a really hard time with my favorite holiday this year and I just can't pinpoint why. I'm hoping that next year I will be back to my regular self again. I normally don't take any Christmas stuff down until January 1.
We spent NY's with BJ's sister and another couple at the sister's house. We wanted to ring in the new year at our new house but his sister already had plans with this other couple that they usually spend that time with so we adjusted. It was fun. The kids and adults took turns playing the Wii and we had a fun time. We left about 2 minutes after midnight, though. :-)
We went to 5 furniture stores looking for a new couch and love seat on NY's day. We found a set that we really liked at one place but had to give up on it because the arms were not padded much and it was as if there was a metal rod in there...not comfy. We couldn't decide if we wanted reclining furniture or a set with an ottoman. I love an ottoman but BJ was partial to the recliners...he IS a man after all. So we set out again on Saturday. After about 2 1/2 hours at a big store, we settled upon a set (with an over sized ottoman!) only to figure out that it probably would be too big for the room. UGH! Since when did furniture shopping get so hard? We decided to get 2 loveseats instead of a loveseat and sofa. We think it will be great in the room and with the over sized ottoman, it will offer plenty of seating for people. Plus, with our new kitchen table (on order) everyone will feel like they are in the same room anyway! Yay! We also bought the little guy his bunk beds. No mattresses yet, though. We don't like the bunk bed mattress as they are thin and I'm sure not very good for you. So we are looking around for inexpensive but decent mattresses that will last him for many years to come. Good luck to us. The bed he has now will do until we get mattresses.
I worked in the new house on my first Monday off more than I thought I would. I unpacked box after box after box. Our garage is full of empty boxes just waiting for the new neighbors to come and get them for when they move in in a few weeks. Go me! It took me 8 hours but I got about 90% unpacked. I'm pretty proud of myself. I also think I burned myself out because I haven't unpacked anything else since!
On the TTC side of things (since this is an infertility blog after all), my lovely body has decided to go haywire again. My period started on 1/2 giving me a 23 day cycle. WTH is THAT? Unbelievable. Well, these days I'm beginning to believe just about anything is possible with my body. It just sucks to be so unpredictable. I'm not used to it. I'm really thinking about calling the new RE/OB and seeing if I can meet with him again and let him know what's been going on with me to see if we can figure something out. I don't know why I'm procrastinating with this. I think it's because I know my only option is IVF and I can't afford it right now, if ever again. I would love to do a Clomid cycle without injections and monitoring and all that but I'm not very good at asking for things like that. I feel like a burden even though I'm the patient and I should have some say in my treatment. I'll talk it over with BJ and see what he thinks. I need to dig my bbt out of my purse so I can get back in the habit of temping again. Less than a month of not doing it and I'm already out of sync.
I have a lot more to say but I'll save it for another day as this is getting pretty long. To give you a preview, we are having some problems with our new house. I know, who would have thunk it?
I'm wishing for a great 2010 and babies for us all! I hope that all of you that are in the 2ww of whatever procedure you are undergoing get a great BFP that sticks and brings you much joy!
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