As some of you know, we are living in a rental right now while our house is being built. This house was built in the 40's or 50's and I think the driveway is just as old. I'm going to try and explain this the best I can...
The driveway is really long and it goes passed the house. BJ and I both park at the back of the driveway to enter the house at the side entrance. The driveway is narrow and has a small section of cinder blocks stacked up on the right side just at the beginning of it. I leave the house when it's still dark outside and I back up very slowly and very carefully because I'm terrified of these cinder blocks. You probably already know where I'm going with this.
It was raining this morning and all my windows had water droplets on them. I had the Little Guy in the back seat. I started backing up and couldn't see but noticed that I was a little crooked. I pulled back up and straightened myself out as to NOT run over the wall (which is only about 5 to 7 inches tall). I sill couldn't see the left side of the driveway so I fixed myself AGAIN. I back out of here every day and I never have this difficult of a time. So I finally get myself straight (or so I thought) and I let off the brake a little to roll backwards as I am looking to make sure no cars are coming. CRUNCH! I hit the damn wall!
I put it in drive and tried to go forward. Nothing. I tried several times until BJ came out (in his jammies) to find out the problem. He was not happy. It was a mess to say the least. He's frustrated, I'm frustrated, it's raining, I'm now running late and my 4-wheel drive is not doing the trick. He mumbled something about women drivers and that just ticked me off. Somehow, I straddled the wall and the driveway so my 2 right tires were just spinning in the mud. He floored it and smoked those tires until I thought it was going to catch and send him flying into the house or the neighbors fence. He got out and said, "I don't know how you are going to get out. Good luck to you" and he went inside. I went and got a shovel and started trying to knock the block loose (not his head, although I wanted to) as they are old and crumbling anyway. No such luck. The only block that is sturdy and in place, is the one I'm stuck on. Ugh! So I went in and called the insurance company and they said they'd find someone to assess the situation and hopefully they could get me out without charging me.
BJ finishes getting ready for work and asks if he can at least get out of the driveway to go and get the rope from our 4-wheelers that are parked at his sister's house. I told him I called for help and he asked my why I would do that. WHAT?! I called them back and canceled and he went to get the rope. By this time, I'm wet and muddy and really upset at myself for possibly costing us money by messing up my truck. He gets back and hooks my truck up to his and he pulls me out. I loaded the Little Guy back in the truck, told BJ I was sorry and was on my way. I had to drive in since I missed all the buses by this time. Two separate roads had a lane blocked so it ended up taking me an hour and 35 minutes to get to work. My shoulder hurts from the awkward angle in which I was laying under my truck hitting the block with the shovel. It was quite the morning.
BJ called me and apologized which was very nice because he doesn't do that very often, no matter how wrong I think he is. We are good now and are looking forward to our long weekend together. Thankfully I didn't do any damage to my truck. The lawn by the cinder blocks...that's a different story. :-)
I'm going to be absent from blogging until Monday probably. I am taking tomorrow off to spend with the Little Guy and do some shopping and then we are going to hang out with BJ's sister in the afternoon and for dinner. Since the Little Guy's mom has him this year for the holiday, I wanted to make sure we all got together still. Then on Thursday, BJ and I will be eating dinner with his sister and her in-laws. I'm bringing the veggies, the rolls and some alcohol.
I hope everyone has a very safe and happy holiday, whether spending it at home or visiting family and friends. Give everyone a hug and let them know you love them! Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Missed the Boat
I ovulated last night. It was CD 10. It snuck up on me and I'm getting annoyed with my body for ovulating so darn early. BJ and I had some adult fun Friday night. Remember that? When you had sex just because you wanted to? The first 12 days of my cycle are a little tricky. I've always been an early ovulator but this is ridiculous. We just wanted to get the "stale" swimmers out of the way to make room for the good ones tonight or tomorrow night. I tested with an OPK Saturday morning and it was negative. Saturday night when I was getting ready for bed, I decided to test just to see...and wouldn't you know it was positive? Sugar Honey Iced Tea! Take the first letter of each of those and you have my response to that nasty little pee stick. I thought I'd still be able to squeeze in some action yesterday before that egg came out. It was not to be. I started feeling the ovulation pains around 7:00 or so. An interlude was the last thing on our minds at that time as I was overly tired for some reason and BJ was annoyed that the computer was not working properly. We ate dinner and then BJ's sister called to talk about Thanksgiving and then football came on. I was more than willing to give it a go, but the fact that BJ knew I was fertile put pressure on him and he doesn't like that. So...we missed another month. I know there is a slim chance that there might be a strong swimmer or 2 left from Friday's interlude, but I highly doubt it. Ugh! Why can't we both be 22 again and full of energy and ready to "go" at the drop of a hat? Because that would be too easy. Now I get to go through the next 2ww with little or no hope. I guess that could be a good thing since we are getting ready to move and I will have other distractions. I look at it this way...last cycle we nailed the timing and got a BFN. Maybe I'll get a surprise this cycle since I'm so sure that we missed that ovulation boat. Keep the hope alive....no matter what.
I also want to welcome any new readers/visitors for ICLW! You can get a little bit of background about me from here and here and here. And I do stress little, there's so much more to me that I want to get out there but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you are new to blogging, know that there is nothing like it. The support is wonderful. I wouldn't know what to do without my blogging buddies. If you just read and haven't yet started your own (that was me a while back) I highly recommend diving in to writing. It has helped me in many ways, not just with my TTC struggles but with other things going on in my life at any given moment. And I can tell you, those moments are sometimes almost too much to handle. But then I come here and I write and I heal. And hopefully along the way I can help someone else heal a little too.
I also want to welcome any new readers/visitors for ICLW! You can get a little bit of background about me from here and here and here. And I do stress little, there's so much more to me that I want to get out there but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you are new to blogging, know that there is nothing like it. The support is wonderful. I wouldn't know what to do without my blogging buddies. If you just read and haven't yet started your own (that was me a while back) I highly recommend diving in to writing. It has helped me in many ways, not just with my TTC struggles but with other things going on in my life at any given moment. And I can tell you, those moments are sometimes almost too much to handle. But then I come here and I write and I heal. And hopefully along the way I can help someone else heal a little too.
Thank You
I would love to thank everyone that left great comments for me after my last post. I really appreciate all of your understanding and your thoughts on the matter. My stepmom e-mailed me and basically said that she in no way intended to hurt my feelings and hoped that she hadn't. I responded with a very lengthy e-mail laying out everything for her. From the house to how I wish I could stay home and how I definitely didn't pick "things" over family. I told her how devastating it was when our IVF failed and I realized that I may never have a baby for our 4th bedroom. I told her how this house was FOR my family and not in PLACE of my family. I went on for quite a while, actually. She then responded to let me know that she got my e-mail but wanted to take some time and think about her reply before she sent anything back to me. I haven't heard from her yet.
It's a very tough time of year for my family. Friday was the 3-year anniversary of my brother's death. I'm not ready to share that story yet. It makes me very sad and I don't want to always write about sad things so I avoided my blog (and most of yours, too) for the last week. Now I am paying the price. I have over 50 entries to get caught up on and and it's ICLW to top it off. Good thing the boss is out this week.
Thank you again (newbies included) for your responses. I love my stepmom dearly and I'm sure this will pass. After all, there isn't even a baby to worry about yet. Seems silly to be dwelling on what may be a choice I never have to make. Or as the Com.cast guy would say in one of the funnier commercials..."seems dumb".
It's a very tough time of year for my family. Friday was the 3-year anniversary of my brother's death. I'm not ready to share that story yet. It makes me very sad and I don't want to always write about sad things so I avoided my blog (and most of yours, too) for the last week. Now I am paying the price. I have over 50 entries to get caught up on and and it's ICLW to top it off. Good thing the boss is out this week.
Thank you again (newbies included) for your responses. I love my stepmom dearly and I'm sure this will pass. After all, there isn't even a baby to worry about yet. Seems silly to be dwelling on what may be a choice I never have to make. Or as the Com.cast guy would say in one of the funnier commercials..."seems dumb".
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
At a Loss
I have other things that I wanted to blog about today but I received an e-mail from my stepmom that has completely thrown me for a loop. I e-mailed her and my dad to update them on my doctor appointment that I had a couple of weeks ago. Basically told them that I haven't given up all hope and that the cost of IVF through the other clinic wouldn't be impossible if we really saved hard for it so on and so forth. My dad sent his best wishes and told me to keep him informed about any additional steps we take. The e-mail I got from my stepmom started out encouraging and then changed.
I know it's hard to interpret tone over e-mail and I know that she would never intend to hurt me. She raised me from 3 years old until I moved to MD at 16 so I know she loves me as her own. I have pasted her e-mail below.
I am not going to get my hopes up this time yet until everything takes place
but I do so pray that this works for you. I will say only one thing that
Dad would call me "goody-two-shoes" for, but I hope and pray that if this
works and you finally get to have a baby that you don't go back to work and
stick it in day care. I can't imagine that you would do that after all you
are going through to have a child, but then you did just build a house so I
hope you don't choose "things" over children. That is all I will say. I
wasn't going to say anything but in case this pans out I just wanted to give
you plenty of time to think about it. You never get that time back and I am
forever grateful for the time I had before things were taken away. Children
are a gift but you only have them for so long then they grow up and make
their own lives, as they should, and nothing and no one can be substitute
for a parents love. Well anyway I guess I could go on but I think I got my
point across. I hope I haven't trod on any toes and I know you will all do
whatever you decide as a family but I just had to put in my 2 cents of
motherly advice. I tried to tell my half sister the same thing when she had
her children but it didn't matter to her I guess.
I don't want anyone attacking her for these thoughts that she has shared with me. She was a SAHM. I agree with her that a mother should be home with her child(ren). I think it did me wonders as I compare myself to my friends growing up and I see the affect that daycare has on the Little Guy and other kids I know. I know it's a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I would live that life in a heartbeat if I could. BJ would love for me to stay home or maybe just work part time close to home. Even if we didn't build this house we still could not afford for me to quit my job. I carry our medical and dental benefits. The Little Guy would still have to be in daycare that we would still have to pay for because his mother works and he spends 50% of his time with her. This house was supposed to be for our family of 4...with a yard and a cul de sac that is perfect for children, and a play room and a more convenient location over all. This house was not meant to be a choice of a "thing" over a child. And my choice would not be daycare if it could be avoided. BJ's sister graciously offered to watch our child if we were lucky enough to have one. Will it kill me to go back to work all day and be away from my child? YES. Would I cry and suffer separation anxiety? YES. Would it make BJ and I re-evaluate our lives and maybe try to change things to where I could be home? MOST LIKELY. We have thought about it plenty already. At this point in our lives my option is to work away from the home. I'd love to get a degree in something and then work out of my house but I don't see that as a reality right now.
I feel like even though she says she's hoping and praying for us that she thinks I won't be a good mother because I will work. I feel like she's telling me that I'm too selfish for buying a house and that I don't deserve a child. I feel like I will ruin a child if I get to have one. I feel like maybe this is why God hasn't let me have a baby...because I choose "things" instead. I feel like a failure as a mother and I don't even have a baby.
I know what I would miss out on if I was a working mother. Like I said, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat if I knew we wouldn't go homeless. It kills me right now thinking of the lack of time I'd spend with my child during the day. And I know she means no harm by offering her advice. It's something very near and dear to her and that's fine. I'm not mad at her for expressing her feelings. She's right, in my opinion. But knowing that I will work and still sending that e-mail upsets me very much.
I didn't know what to say in response to her so I just said:
I've thought of 20 different ways I could respond to your e-mail but will just say thanks for the advice. I know you mean well and would never intend to hurt my feelings, so I will say thank you for looking out for me. I love you lots and I'm lucky to have you.
And I mean every word of that response.
I know it's hard to interpret tone over e-mail and I know that she would never intend to hurt me. She raised me from 3 years old until I moved to MD at 16 so I know she loves me as her own. I have pasted her e-mail below.
I am not going to get my hopes up this time yet until everything takes place
but I do so pray that this works for you. I will say only one thing that
Dad would call me "goody-two-shoes" for, but I hope and pray that if this
works and you finally get to have a baby that you don't go back to work and
stick it in day care. I can't imagine that you would do that after all you
are going through to have a child, but then you did just build a house so I
hope you don't choose "things" over children. That is all I will say. I
wasn't going to say anything but in case this pans out I just wanted to give
you plenty of time to think about it. You never get that time back and I am
forever grateful for the time I had before things were taken away. Children
are a gift but you only have them for so long then they grow up and make
their own lives, as they should, and nothing and no one can be substitute
for a parents love. Well anyway I guess I could go on but I think I got my
point across. I hope I haven't trod on any toes and I know you will all do
whatever you decide as a family but I just had to put in my 2 cents of
motherly advice. I tried to tell my half sister the same thing when she had
her children but it didn't matter to her I guess.
I don't want anyone attacking her for these thoughts that she has shared with me. She was a SAHM. I agree with her that a mother should be home with her child(ren). I think it did me wonders as I compare myself to my friends growing up and I see the affect that daycare has on the Little Guy and other kids I know. I know it's a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I would live that life in a heartbeat if I could. BJ would love for me to stay home or maybe just work part time close to home. Even if we didn't build this house we still could not afford for me to quit my job. I carry our medical and dental benefits. The Little Guy would still have to be in daycare that we would still have to pay for because his mother works and he spends 50% of his time with her. This house was supposed to be for our family of 4...with a yard and a cul de sac that is perfect for children, and a play room and a more convenient location over all. This house was not meant to be a choice of a "thing" over a child. And my choice would not be daycare if it could be avoided. BJ's sister graciously offered to watch our child if we were lucky enough to have one. Will it kill me to go back to work all day and be away from my child? YES. Would I cry and suffer separation anxiety? YES. Would it make BJ and I re-evaluate our lives and maybe try to change things to where I could be home? MOST LIKELY. We have thought about it plenty already. At this point in our lives my option is to work away from the home. I'd love to get a degree in something and then work out of my house but I don't see that as a reality right now.
I feel like even though she says she's hoping and praying for us that she thinks I won't be a good mother because I will work. I feel like she's telling me that I'm too selfish for buying a house and that I don't deserve a child. I feel like I will ruin a child if I get to have one. I feel like maybe this is why God hasn't let me have a baby...because I choose "things" instead. I feel like a failure as a mother and I don't even have a baby.
I know what I would miss out on if I was a working mother. Like I said, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat if I knew we wouldn't go homeless. It kills me right now thinking of the lack of time I'd spend with my child during the day. And I know she means no harm by offering her advice. It's something very near and dear to her and that's fine. I'm not mad at her for expressing her feelings. She's right, in my opinion. But knowing that I will work and still sending that e-mail upsets me very much.
I didn't know what to say in response to her so I just said:
I've thought of 20 different ways I could respond to your e-mail but will just say thanks for the advice. I know you mean well and would never intend to hurt my feelings, so I will say thank you for looking out for me. I love you lots and I'm lucky to have you.
And I mean every word of that response.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Busy Weekend
Thank you everyone for your blog template suggestions. I think I like this one for now. It seems easy on the eyes and it's very neutral, like me. :-) Also, thank you for your kind words about our kitchen. I'm a little biased so it's nice to know that others think it looks nice, too. I can't tell you how many episodes of house hunters and designed to sell and sell this house BJ and I have watched and we wonder what the heck people were thinking when they decorated their homes. We stopped by there on Saturday to see what else had been done if anything. They painted! I walked in and my jaw hit the floor. We picked a color called bone white. We had about 6 or 8 shades of white to pick from and took the suggestion of the design lady, Shannon. They painted the trim, doors, chair rail and crown molding a bright white semi gloss. It looks FANTABULOUS! We were worried that we would hate the white walls because we haven't had white walls in about 3 and a half years...not so. The bone white stands out so much next to the trim that we don't feel like we will have to paint right away as we thought. Now, I will be painting the dining room sooner rather than later. That's only because I'm anxious to make it all "formal" and fancy. I won't be going by the new house until Saturday and decided to take pictures then because all the appliances, toilets and light fixtures will be installed so it will be a big change from the last batch of pictures.
So Saturday, we went to see A Christmas Carol. We took the Little Guy. It was a Disney flick but you'd never know it. It was animated so spectacularly that I sometimes forgot that it was a cartoon. There were parts of this movie that disturbed me, let alone all the little kids that were in the theater. Certain scenes were just over the top and very dark for a Disney movie, in my opinion. I enjoyed the movie and understood it and thought they did a great job sticking to the story and the dialect of the period. I just don't think it's for kids. After the movie we hung out at the new house for a while then headed to my SIL's for surprise visit. This turned into a 5 hour visit. It was fun as I got to spend some quality time with the niece and the boys got to play and the 2 men drank themselves a little silly. I've never seen my BIL drunk before. It was interesting to say the least.
We went bowling yesterday. I'm a terrible bowler and I always have been. There's no teaching me. I just do it the way I do it and that's that. BJ hurt his back while we were there so he didn't do very well, either. We didn't get the bumpers since the Little Guy was the only kid with us so he was upset that he kept getting gutter balls. I was the only one that performed well. And when I tell you my scores you might fall out of your seat from laughter, but for me, these are excellent....113, 133, 136. I was looking around for some great high 5's but there weren't any because the boys were so distressed about their own performances. *sigh* The life of a great athlete can be tough. :-)
I feel like I was on the run all weekend so AF being in town didn't affect me too much. She's just about gone today thanks to my new lighter flow and that is always a good thing. I had a few teary moments with the niece because I just so badly want a toddler of my own, but other than that I think I did ok. I even worked out a problem with the Little Guy and his cousins after a ball went wild and struck him in the face. I might actually be good at this parenting thing...if I could just get a real shot at it.
I have a question for all of you that have done IUI's and/or IVF's. What was your partner's swimmer count pre and post wash? My nurse said BJ's numbers were great but I think they were on the low side. He had just over 50 million pre-wash and I think "great" would be over 100 million. But what do I know? Our post wash numbers were 13 million, 18 million and 15 million which still seems low to me. I have been doing some reading on male fertility but since no one has ever said that BJ is a part of the problem, it's been tough to bring it up with him (you know, telling him to cut back the caffeine, don't have the laptop on your lap for so long right before we go to bed for some BD'ing...things like that). I know that I am 90% responsible for our woes, but I honestly think he might be 10% of the issue. He has had 80% motility which I think is fine but his morphology was a little low at 11. They like to see it 14 or above. Any helpful info would be great. You guys are the best and I appreciate all of your feedback!
So Saturday, we went to see A Christmas Carol. We took the Little Guy. It was a Disney flick but you'd never know it. It was animated so spectacularly that I sometimes forgot that it was a cartoon. There were parts of this movie that disturbed me, let alone all the little kids that were in the theater. Certain scenes were just over the top and very dark for a Disney movie, in my opinion. I enjoyed the movie and understood it and thought they did a great job sticking to the story and the dialect of the period. I just don't think it's for kids. After the movie we hung out at the new house for a while then headed to my SIL's for surprise visit. This turned into a 5 hour visit. It was fun as I got to spend some quality time with the niece and the boys got to play and the 2 men drank themselves a little silly. I've never seen my BIL drunk before. It was interesting to say the least.
We went bowling yesterday. I'm a terrible bowler and I always have been. There's no teaching me. I just do it the way I do it and that's that. BJ hurt his back while we were there so he didn't do very well, either. We didn't get the bumpers since the Little Guy was the only kid with us so he was upset that he kept getting gutter balls. I was the only one that performed well. And when I tell you my scores you might fall out of your seat from laughter, but for me, these are excellent....113, 133, 136. I was looking around for some great high 5's but there weren't any because the boys were so distressed about their own performances. *sigh* The life of a great athlete can be tough. :-)
I feel like I was on the run all weekend so AF being in town didn't affect me too much. She's just about gone today thanks to my new lighter flow and that is always a good thing. I had a few teary moments with the niece because I just so badly want a toddler of my own, but other than that I think I did ok. I even worked out a problem with the Little Guy and his cousins after a ball went wild and struck him in the face. I might actually be good at this parenting thing...if I could just get a real shot at it.
I have a question for all of you that have done IUI's and/or IVF's. What was your partner's swimmer count pre and post wash? My nurse said BJ's numbers were great but I think they were on the low side. He had just over 50 million pre-wash and I think "great" would be over 100 million. But what do I know? Our post wash numbers were 13 million, 18 million and 15 million which still seems low to me. I have been doing some reading on male fertility but since no one has ever said that BJ is a part of the problem, it's been tough to bring it up with him (you know, telling him to cut back the caffeine, don't have the laptop on your lap for so long right before we go to bed for some BD'ing...things like that). I know that I am 90% responsible for our woes, but I honestly think he might be 10% of the issue. He has had 80% motility which I think is fine but his morphology was a little low at 11. They like to see it 14 or above. Any helpful info would be great. You guys are the best and I appreciate all of your feedback!
Friday, November 13, 2009
CD1 - Again
For about the 96th time, I am on CD1. After my temp drop yesterday and then again today (down to 97.7 I think) I knew the period was coming for sure. And it did. A 27 day cycle. I told BJ last night that if this were several years ago and I was still dumb enough to think I could get pregnant that I would have bought a hpt since I am never late and I always spot beforehand. I did not buy a test because I know how it would have ended. But you don't know how much I was wishing that I had a left over test in the house. I guess I am still dumb enough to believe that I can get pregnant. After all, we timed things perfectly this month. I had the slightest hope that we might have gotten the job done. Why does hope always have to creep in? She is just cruel sometimes. But then again, without her I have nothing. So I keep hoping, and I keep trying. Let's hope that I don't keep failing. Thank you to all of you for your comments and support and your cheerleading...you are great and I'm so glad that I found you. You have helped keep me sane.
On a better note, I have attached a couple pictures of our new kitchen. Mind you, it's a work in progress. The pictures don't do it justice at all. It feels like I'm in a mansion when I'm in that kitchen....which will have appliances and lights by Wednesday of next week! Hell yeah! I'm going to put some brushed nickel hardware on these babies to really spruce them up. Can you believe that we had to pay an extra $110 to have that glass cabinet stained on the inside? Don't you think it should just come that way?
I'm trying to find a new blog template and I'm having difficulties finding something that I like. This new one is not my favorite. I want one that is easy on the eyes. When I work on documents on the computer I have the blue background with the white text...so much better on my eyes. I want to try and find something like that for my blog but I'm not having much success. Any suggestions out there in blog-land?
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
All Over the Place
I really feel as though I need to wear one of those drama masks with the sad face on one half and the smile on the other half. This infertility thing is a real bitch. It just never goes away. It weaves itself into every aspect of my life nearly every day. I try not to let it affect me but some days it's just too overwhelming.
I was off yesterday and BJ took off so we could hang out together. We went to the new house so I could see our kitchen cabinets in person. They took my breath away. So much better than the pictures he showed me. Although it did reiterate to me how short I am and that I will definitely need a step ladder if I want to reach anything higher than the second shelf. We got a call from the contractor stating that we are scheduled to move in a week earlier than originally planned. How awesome is that?! We will now have 2 weeks to get settled and decorated before Christmas. It made my day. That is the happy side of my face.
The sad side of my face comes from the realization that I should be going in to get my 20 week u/s from my IVF. BJ and I would have probably gone in yesterday since I was already off and we knew he was taking off work. We should have been going out to buy a few pink or blue (or both) items of baby clothes after the appointment. It amazes me how much time has gone by since that BFN result. I should be feeling kicking inside. I should be wearing maternity pants and shirts.
Instead, I'm sitting here as happy and as sad as I can be. I don't know what it feels like to miscarry so I would never compare my situation to anyone that has been through that. However, I feel like I lost 2 babies. I had 2 perfect embryos and then I didn't. They were alive when they were transferred and then they weren't. I had life in me and then I didn't. And no one can tell me why. I can't believe it's been 20 weeks (only 18 since transfer, but the docs always add the other 2 from the beginning of the cycle). I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe that I may never have that chance again.
I saw a very tiny bit of spotting Tuesday. I haven't seen any since. My temp dropped this morning to 98.1 which is still above my cover line, but much lower than the 98.5's and 98.6's I have been getting. I'm going to jinx myself, but I haven't gotten THE headache yet. I know the period is coming so I just wish it would hurry up and get here and stop messing with me. Today is supposed to be CD1 but I guess I'm going to have a longer cycle this month. Lovely.
I do want to reiterate how excited I am to be able to move in less than a MONTH...it was great news to get and we are really very happy about it. Especially since a mouse came running out of the laundry room this morning into the bathroom and had BJ running all over the place trying to get it. I had already left before this fun escapade began. He told me that he was not going to leave the house until the mouse was "taken care of". Ick....December 11 can't get here soon enough.
I was off yesterday and BJ took off so we could hang out together. We went to the new house so I could see our kitchen cabinets in person. They took my breath away. So much better than the pictures he showed me. Although it did reiterate to me how short I am and that I will definitely need a step ladder if I want to reach anything higher than the second shelf. We got a call from the contractor stating that we are scheduled to move in a week earlier than originally planned. How awesome is that?! We will now have 2 weeks to get settled and decorated before Christmas. It made my day. That is the happy side of my face.
The sad side of my face comes from the realization that I should be going in to get my 20 week u/s from my IVF. BJ and I would have probably gone in yesterday since I was already off and we knew he was taking off work. We should have been going out to buy a few pink or blue (or both) items of baby clothes after the appointment. It amazes me how much time has gone by since that BFN result. I should be feeling kicking inside. I should be wearing maternity pants and shirts.
Instead, I'm sitting here as happy and as sad as I can be. I don't know what it feels like to miscarry so I would never compare my situation to anyone that has been through that. However, I feel like I lost 2 babies. I had 2 perfect embryos and then I didn't. They were alive when they were transferred and then they weren't. I had life in me and then I didn't. And no one can tell me why. I can't believe it's been 20 weeks (only 18 since transfer, but the docs always add the other 2 from the beginning of the cycle). I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe that I may never have that chance again.
I saw a very tiny bit of spotting Tuesday. I haven't seen any since. My temp dropped this morning to 98.1 which is still above my cover line, but much lower than the 98.5's and 98.6's I have been getting. I'm going to jinx myself, but I haven't gotten THE headache yet. I know the period is coming so I just wish it would hurry up and get here and stop messing with me. Today is supposed to be CD1 but I guess I'm going to have a longer cycle this month. Lovely.
I do want to reiterate how excited I am to be able to move in less than a MONTH...it was great news to get and we are really very happy about it. Especially since a mouse came running out of the laundry room this morning into the bathroom and had BJ running all over the place trying to get it. I had already left before this fun escapade began. He told me that he was not going to leave the house until the mouse was "taken care of". Ick....December 11 can't get here soon enough.
Monday, November 9, 2009
CD24 - In a Funk
Ok, so my funk from last week has carried over to this week. I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but as I try to figure out what it is I can only come up with a few ideas:
1. The time change. I hate the time change. I get up when it's dark, drive in the dark in the morning and drive in the dark in the evening. It's too cold to spend much time outside at lunch. I know it's in the upper 50's and low 60's most days, but I'm a sissy to the cold. I HATE the cold.
2. The leaves aren't so pretty anymore. Yes, I love to watch them turn all shades of red, yellow and orange. But when they start to all look the same shade of brown and are falling faster than my progesterone levels, it sucks to look outside.
3. We are more and more disgusted with our rental. I know I really shouldn't complain because I have a wonderful house in the works, but what the hell, I feel like complaining. The walls in the living room are wood panel. The ceiling is painted brown. The overhead light is pathetic. When the sun goes down and we close the front curtain...it's like a coffin in there. We have 2 lamps and the light on and we can't even read a magazine because the lighting is so bad. It's cold. You can't flush the toilet if someone is in the shower for fear of scalding them. This seems a petty complaint, but it's something that has been grading at me/us for a few weeks now...since the time change mainly (please see #1 above).
4. I feel like I'll never have a baby to call my own. Doesn't need much explanation after that, does it? I have tried to be hopeful and positive but I'm not stupid and I live in reality (most of the time) so I know the odds. I feel like I messed up somewhere along the way. As if God holds me to a higher standard than anyone else (crazy, I know) and won't accept my thousands upon thousands of apologies for all my known and unknown sins. I feel like I'm being punished for not being a good enough Christian. I know it doesn't work that way, but it becomes an overwhelming sensation when I start to wallow in all my past wrong-doings.
5. What if our house is not all that we dreamed it would be? This is a really dumb thing to stress about and feel like crap about, but I can't shake it. We have put so much expectation on this house as if moving here will solve all of life's problems. We will still be us...just under a new roof. There will still be tons of laundry to do, dishes, bills (oh man the bills), chores, projects etc. I hope we aren't expecting too much only to be let down. I'm tired of being let down.
I feel like crying over everything and anything right now. BJ and I had a nice weekend together. I got my hair done (months overdue by the way), we did some grocery shopping, some household item shopping, we found a new JoAnn's on our travels and he offered to go in with me and even helped me look for some scrapping paper and stickers (and even let me buy some without any comments), we went out Friday night after running into someone we knew from our old neighborhood, we listened to a great band....it was nice and fun and non-stressful. So why do I feel like this? I think it's the depression creeping back in. It seems to want to rear it's ugly head more and more lately. Plus, my period is supposed to start Thursday so my emotions are a bit wacky right now. I can pretty much tell by my mood that it's coming. This is one of those "sad" pms events instead of the usual "angry, quick tempered" ones. I think I'd rather be snippy with everyone than feel like this. I'm going to try really hard to pick my mood up because I can't be sitting here looking and feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing. My co-workers and boss wouldn't know what to do and I don't want to frighten anyone.
I promise to post things a little more upbeat next time, and maybe a little more relevant to TTC. BJ is going by the house with my camera as we are expecting some pretty big changes inside and out so I'm hoping to post some pictures in the near future. For now, I'm going to say good-bye and I sincerely hope that everyone has a great day.
1. The time change. I hate the time change. I get up when it's dark, drive in the dark in the morning and drive in the dark in the evening. It's too cold to spend much time outside at lunch. I know it's in the upper 50's and low 60's most days, but I'm a sissy to the cold. I HATE the cold.
2. The leaves aren't so pretty anymore. Yes, I love to watch them turn all shades of red, yellow and orange. But when they start to all look the same shade of brown and are falling faster than my progesterone levels, it sucks to look outside.
3. We are more and more disgusted with our rental. I know I really shouldn't complain because I have a wonderful house in the works, but what the hell, I feel like complaining. The walls in the living room are wood panel. The ceiling is painted brown. The overhead light is pathetic. When the sun goes down and we close the front curtain...it's like a coffin in there. We have 2 lamps and the light on and we can't even read a magazine because the lighting is so bad. It's cold. You can't flush the toilet if someone is in the shower for fear of scalding them. This seems a petty complaint, but it's something that has been grading at me/us for a few weeks now...since the time change mainly (please see #1 above).
4. I feel like I'll never have a baby to call my own. Doesn't need much explanation after that, does it? I have tried to be hopeful and positive but I'm not stupid and I live in reality (most of the time) so I know the odds. I feel like I messed up somewhere along the way. As if God holds me to a higher standard than anyone else (crazy, I know) and won't accept my thousands upon thousands of apologies for all my known and unknown sins. I feel like I'm being punished for not being a good enough Christian. I know it doesn't work that way, but it becomes an overwhelming sensation when I start to wallow in all my past wrong-doings.
5. What if our house is not all that we dreamed it would be? This is a really dumb thing to stress about and feel like crap about, but I can't shake it. We have put so much expectation on this house as if moving here will solve all of life's problems. We will still be us...just under a new roof. There will still be tons of laundry to do, dishes, bills (oh man the bills), chores, projects etc. I hope we aren't expecting too much only to be let down. I'm tired of being let down.
I feel like crying over everything and anything right now. BJ and I had a nice weekend together. I got my hair done (months overdue by the way), we did some grocery shopping, some household item shopping, we found a new JoAnn's on our travels and he offered to go in with me and even helped me look for some scrapping paper and stickers (and even let me buy some without any comments), we went out Friday night after running into someone we knew from our old neighborhood, we listened to a great band....it was nice and fun and non-stressful. So why do I feel like this? I think it's the depression creeping back in. It seems to want to rear it's ugly head more and more lately. Plus, my period is supposed to start Thursday so my emotions are a bit wacky right now. I can pretty much tell by my mood that it's coming. This is one of those "sad" pms events instead of the usual "angry, quick tempered" ones. I think I'd rather be snippy with everyone than feel like this. I'm going to try really hard to pick my mood up because I can't be sitting here looking and feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing. My co-workers and boss wouldn't know what to do and I don't want to frighten anyone.
I promise to post things a little more upbeat next time, and maybe a little more relevant to TTC. BJ is going by the house with my camera as we are expecting some pretty big changes inside and out so I'm hoping to post some pictures in the near future. For now, I'm going to say good-bye and I sincerely hope that everyone has a great day.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Grasping at Straws
Ok, so I'm not one to fall for crazy gimmicks. I know this is probably crazy and probably most definitely a gimmick, but has anyone ever heard of The Complete Pregnancy Miracle System? I clicked on this and read about 6 of the success stories. Let me know what you think.
8DPO - Getting There...
Thank you everyone for thinking of the Little Guy and wishing him a speedy recovery. A quick update...I took his temp at 6:30 yesterday morning (knowing pretty much that I was keeping him home but he woke up coughing) and it was a bit elevated at 100.3. We gave him medicine and I told him to try and go back to sleep. He slept for 3 hours! I actually checked on him to make sure he was breathing. He got up and was starving with no fever. He had a slight fever in the afternoon but was fine at bedtime. He's coughing and congested but fever free! I'm guessing (like many of you said) that he probably had a reaction to his flu shot and just a regular cold on top of that. He went to school today, which I don't think he was very happy about because who wouldn't want another day of watching cartoons and helping their step-mom figure out her new Cricut? He actually made a card for BJ yesterday with it.
We rode by the new house yesterday to check on progress. They have gotten quite a bit done in the last 3 days. All the drywall was sanded, all the trim and doors have been installed, all the window sills, the top part of the staircase rail and the knee wall had been put on, the chair rail in the dining room was up, the gutters have been hung and the small sidewalk that will lead from the driveway to the porch had been poured. Whew! The best part is that they were taping all the windows while we were there to get ready to PAINT! Unfortunately, BJ won't be able to go by there today so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how it looks. With the time change and it being this time of year I can't get there before dark. Bummer. And if you remember the new neighbors, the husband has been texting BJ all week last week and this week about the progress on his house. He actually sent a message Saturday asking if it was ok that they walk around our house! They have a different model and are using a different builder....why do they need to be in our house? BJ didn't respond because you can't really say "no", right? We have to live next to these people for the next 10 or so years....can't start off badly. But I've got my eye on them.
I am 8dpo today. I'm not feeling anything out of the ordinary. I'm disappointed every time I smoosh my boobs and they aren't the least bit sore. I am however, happy about the fact that my temperatures have been much more stable this cycle. I'm dreading a drop next week but I'm trying not to think about that. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy, but it does me no good to sit here and wallow in self pity before anything negative has even happened, right?
We have seen 2 episodes in the last week of King of Queens dealing with pregnancy and babies. Comedy shows that portray IF struggles really don't do it justice. The first episode was about when Doug and Carrie are trying for a baby and she gets them an appointment with a clinic that tells her (on her first appointment) that one of her ovaries doesn't work so she really only ovulates about every other month. Doug's parents are in town and hi-jinx ensue when they try to BD with them there. The whole time we are watching this, BJ and I are commenting to Doug and Carrie how pointless it is to BD because that's not how people get pregnant. It was rather amusing to us to say the things we were saying, but if anyone on the outside heard us talking so negatively, they might have been a little frightened. I'm sure our bitter tone would not have amused anyone but us. :-) The other episode was last night where Doug is watching a baby while trying to convince Carrie that they need to have one. He's ready, at one point, to give it back and BJ says..."we'll take the baby". Then the baby is crying at 3:00am and Doug's having a hard time and Carrie is snoozing away. I told BJ that "that's the not fun part". And he said, "but you'd take it right now." And I said, "well, duh...of course I'd love to be up that early in the morning trying to sooth my baby back to sleep."
Anyway....the TV does not even come close to getting across the emotional aspects of IF or even the longing for a baby. It's something that no movie could ever portray in a way to really let the audience know how painful it is. Who would want to watch that, anyway? Women crying and moping about, men sitting around talking about morphology and motility numbers...not the stuff good TV is made of. So I will continue to mock movies/shows where women are trying to get pregnant or if they can't, they decide to adopt and then by the end of the season they have their little bundles. It's the happy, funny things that people want to watch...how else can we take our minds off of how miserable we are that someone hasn't written us such a nice script?
We rode by the new house yesterday to check on progress. They have gotten quite a bit done in the last 3 days. All the drywall was sanded, all the trim and doors have been installed, all the window sills, the top part of the staircase rail and the knee wall had been put on, the chair rail in the dining room was up, the gutters have been hung and the small sidewalk that will lead from the driveway to the porch had been poured. Whew! The best part is that they were taping all the windows while we were there to get ready to PAINT! Unfortunately, BJ won't be able to go by there today so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how it looks. With the time change and it being this time of year I can't get there before dark. Bummer. And if you remember the new neighbors, the husband has been texting BJ all week last week and this week about the progress on his house. He actually sent a message Saturday asking if it was ok that they walk around our house! They have a different model and are using a different builder....why do they need to be in our house? BJ didn't respond because you can't really say "no", right? We have to live next to these people for the next 10 or so years....can't start off badly. But I've got my eye on them.
I am 8dpo today. I'm not feeling anything out of the ordinary. I'm disappointed every time I smoosh my boobs and they aren't the least bit sore. I am however, happy about the fact that my temperatures have been much more stable this cycle. I'm dreading a drop next week but I'm trying not to think about that. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy, but it does me no good to sit here and wallow in self pity before anything negative has even happened, right?
We have seen 2 episodes in the last week of King of Queens dealing with pregnancy and babies. Comedy shows that portray IF struggles really don't do it justice. The first episode was about when Doug and Carrie are trying for a baby and she gets them an appointment with a clinic that tells her (on her first appointment) that one of her ovaries doesn't work so she really only ovulates about every other month. Doug's parents are in town and hi-jinx ensue when they try to BD with them there. The whole time we are watching this, BJ and I are commenting to Doug and Carrie how pointless it is to BD because that's not how people get pregnant. It was rather amusing to us to say the things we were saying, but if anyone on the outside heard us talking so negatively, they might have been a little frightened. I'm sure our bitter tone would not have amused anyone but us. :-) The other episode was last night where Doug is watching a baby while trying to convince Carrie that they need to have one. He's ready, at one point, to give it back and BJ says..."we'll take the baby". Then the baby is crying at 3:00am and Doug's having a hard time and Carrie is snoozing away. I told BJ that "that's the not fun part". And he said, "but you'd take it right now." And I said, "well, duh...of course I'd love to be up that early in the morning trying to sooth my baby back to sleep."
Anyway....the TV does not even come close to getting across the emotional aspects of IF or even the longing for a baby. It's something that no movie could ever portray in a way to really let the audience know how painful it is. Who would want to watch that, anyway? Women crying and moping about, men sitting around talking about morphology and motility numbers...not the stuff good TV is made of. So I will continue to mock movies/shows where women are trying to get pregnant or if they can't, they decide to adopt and then by the end of the season they have their little bundles. It's the happy, funny things that people want to watch...how else can we take our minds off of how miserable we are that someone hasn't written us such a nice script?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Stupid Flu Season
BJ just called me. He had to pick the Little Guy up at school because he has a fever (100.7) and isn't feeling good. Sheesh! Like we need one more thing to worry about.
He got his H1N1 shot last week. He got his seasonal flu shot YESTERDAY. Of course, his buddy was diagnosed with the flu the other day (he had gotten the mist a few days earlier) and our niece has the flu. He was around both of these children (and who knows how many more) Friday night and Saturday night.
He has a heart condition and I'm very worried about how the flu would affect him. The last thing he needs is a chest infection.
BJ thought we had some fever reducing kids medicine but we don't so I will be stopping after work to pick some up. The Little Guy hardly ever gets sick and when he does we find that the medicine we have on hand is expired. Ugh!
Please say a little prayer for him that it's not the flu and maybe just a regular winter cold. If the fever doesn't break by morning I will be staying home with him.
He got his H1N1 shot last week. He got his seasonal flu shot YESTERDAY. Of course, his buddy was diagnosed with the flu the other day (he had gotten the mist a few days earlier) and our niece has the flu. He was around both of these children (and who knows how many more) Friday night and Saturday night.
He has a heart condition and I'm very worried about how the flu would affect him. The last thing he needs is a chest infection.
BJ thought we had some fever reducing kids medicine but we don't so I will be stopping after work to pick some up. The Little Guy hardly ever gets sick and when he does we find that the medicine we have on hand is expired. Ugh!
Please say a little prayer for him that it's not the flu and maybe just a regular winter cold. If the fever doesn't break by morning I will be staying home with him.
6DPO - Barely 1/2 Way There
I am all of 6dpo today. Today is only Tuesday. It feels like today should be at least 10dpo. *sigh*
I'm a little down in the dumps and I have no real reason to be. I think this is one of my depression times. Although, this doesn't usually happen until I'm much closer to AF. I'm trying to be more upbeat but all I want to do is just sleep and sloth around. I think some of this has to do with the fact that we went almost a week without seeing the sun. And it rained...a lot. Plus, the time changed. Add that to the fact that the trees are all dying and it just sucks the goodness out of my mood.
Halloween was good. We took the Little Guy to a neighborhood we like and met up with my SIL and her family. The niece was adorable as a puppy. She didn't feel good and was running a fever (we now know she has the flu) but she couldn't have been more content. The rain held off until about 8:00 so we got a good hour and a half in before we had to pack up. Next year I think the Little Guy's mother is going to want him so we have come up with a plan. Since we will be at our new house, we are going to decorate like crazy, dress up, scare kids and hand out candy. There should be plenty of houses built in there by that time with lots of kids to come by. It will be very hard NOT to be with the Little Guy because we have gone with him every year...oh well, we have to share.
I don't know if I've mentioned this to anyone on here, but I love to scrapbook. I've been doing it for just over a year and I love it. I go to crops (scrapbooking events with tables and door prizes and other scrappers that are usually all day events) when I can. I haven't done many since the Spring because we had to get the old house on the market and then once it sold it has become a saving money time. I went to one on 10/18 and now I'm jonesing for another one. I signed up for a retreat in January. Three full days of nothing but working on albums/pages. I can't wait. I even took a vacation day to participate. Normally, girls stay over at whatever hotel it is being held at, however, since it is only 5 minutes from where I will be living, I will just drive up there each day. It saves money and this way I can have dinner with BJ and the Little Guy each evening. Also, my dad offered to buy me the Cricut for my b-day in May. I didn't have a place for it at the old house so I took a rain check. I couldn't stand it anymore so I bought it from e-bay and it was delivered last week. I love it! I need to get better at using it because I can't seem to figure out a good way to get the little letters off the mat without tearing them. I still have no place for it at the rental, but I just had to have it in my possession. I will post pictures of my work eventually. It was my SIL that got me hooked on this....so I blame her. :-)
Looking at the calendar and going by my past, I figure I will know for sure whether or not we were successful this month by next Tuesday or Wednesday. AF is scheduled to arrive Thursday. I hate this part of the 2ww...it's the part where I start to think about what IF's?
What if...it worked?
What if...I get to tell BJ that we are pregnant?
What if...I get to tell my family (who would be on cloud 9) that they are going to have a grandchild?
What if...I get to start putting a nursery together in bedroom #4?
What if...I can finally buy all the cute little baby scrapbooking items that as of right now I just avert my eyes from?
Then I get mad at myself for even thinking such foolish thoughts. Why would this month be any different than any other month? I'll tell you why...because we timed things right and we actually have a SHOT this time. Aside from whatever has kept me from getting pregnant in the past when things were timed just right. I hate getting my hopes up and then kicking myself for getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed anyway when my period starts.
Why is this so damn hard? Sorry, I'm a bit all over the place today. I think I might be coming down with something because my temp was 98.9 this morning...and that's very high for me. I feel a bit warm right now but I also have leggins on under my pants. Not sure if I have a fever or just too many layers of clothes on. Hopefully I'm not getting sick...
I'm a little down in the dumps and I have no real reason to be. I think this is one of my depression times. Although, this doesn't usually happen until I'm much closer to AF. I'm trying to be more upbeat but all I want to do is just sleep and sloth around. I think some of this has to do with the fact that we went almost a week without seeing the sun. And it rained...a lot. Plus, the time changed. Add that to the fact that the trees are all dying and it just sucks the goodness out of my mood.
Halloween was good. We took the Little Guy to a neighborhood we like and met up with my SIL and her family. The niece was adorable as a puppy. She didn't feel good and was running a fever (we now know she has the flu) but she couldn't have been more content. The rain held off until about 8:00 so we got a good hour and a half in before we had to pack up. Next year I think the Little Guy's mother is going to want him so we have come up with a plan. Since we will be at our new house, we are going to decorate like crazy, dress up, scare kids and hand out candy. There should be plenty of houses built in there by that time with lots of kids to come by. It will be very hard NOT to be with the Little Guy because we have gone with him every year...oh well, we have to share.
I don't know if I've mentioned this to anyone on here, but I love to scrapbook. I've been doing it for just over a year and I love it. I go to crops (scrapbooking events with tables and door prizes and other scrappers that are usually all day events) when I can. I haven't done many since the Spring because we had to get the old house on the market and then once it sold it has become a saving money time. I went to one on 10/18 and now I'm jonesing for another one. I signed up for a retreat in January. Three full days of nothing but working on albums/pages. I can't wait. I even took a vacation day to participate. Normally, girls stay over at whatever hotel it is being held at, however, since it is only 5 minutes from where I will be living, I will just drive up there each day. It saves money and this way I can have dinner with BJ and the Little Guy each evening. Also, my dad offered to buy me the Cricut for my b-day in May. I didn't have a place for it at the old house so I took a rain check. I couldn't stand it anymore so I bought it from e-bay and it was delivered last week. I love it! I need to get better at using it because I can't seem to figure out a good way to get the little letters off the mat without tearing them. I still have no place for it at the rental, but I just had to have it in my possession. I will post pictures of my work eventually. It was my SIL that got me hooked on this....so I blame her. :-)
Looking at the calendar and going by my past, I figure I will know for sure whether or not we were successful this month by next Tuesday or Wednesday. AF is scheduled to arrive Thursday. I hate this part of the 2ww...it's the part where I start to think about what IF's?
What if...it worked?
What if...I get to tell BJ that we are pregnant?
What if...I get to tell my family (who would be on cloud 9) that they are going to have a grandchild?
What if...I get to start putting a nursery together in bedroom #4?
What if...I can finally buy all the cute little baby scrapbooking items that as of right now I just avert my eyes from?
Then I get mad at myself for even thinking such foolish thoughts. Why would this month be any different than any other month? I'll tell you why...because we timed things right and we actually have a SHOT this time. Aside from whatever has kept me from getting pregnant in the past when things were timed just right. I hate getting my hopes up and then kicking myself for getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed anyway when my period starts.
Why is this so damn hard? Sorry, I'm a bit all over the place today. I think I might be coming down with something because my temp was 98.9 this morning...and that's very high for me. I feel a bit warm right now but I also have leggins on under my pants. Not sure if I have a fever or just too many layers of clothes on. Hopefully I'm not getting sick...
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