At a Loss

I have other things that I wanted to blog about today but I received an e-mail from my stepmom that has completely thrown me for a loop. I e-mailed her and my dad to update them on my doctor appointment that I had a couple of weeks ago. Basically told them that I haven't given up all hope and that the cost of IVF through the other clinic wouldn't be impossible if we really saved hard for it so on and so forth. My dad sent his best wishes and told me to keep him informed about any additional steps we take. The e-mail I got from my stepmom started out encouraging and then changed.

I know it's hard to interpret tone over e-mail and I know that she would never intend to hurt me. She raised me from 3 years old until I moved to MD at 16 so I know she loves me as her own. I have pasted her e-mail below.

I am not going to get my hopes up this time yet until everything takes place
but I do so pray that this works for you. I will say only one thing that
Dad would call me "goody-two-shoes" for, but I hope and pray that if this
works and you finally get to have a baby that you don't go back to work and
stick it in day care. I can't imagine that you would do that after all you
are going through to have a child, but then you did just build a house so I
hope you don't choose "things" over children. That is all I will say. I
wasn't going to say anything but in case this pans out I just wanted to give
you plenty of time to think about it. You never get that time back and I am
forever grateful for the time I had before things were taken away. Children
are a gift but you only have them for so long then they grow up and make
their own lives, as they should, and nothing and no one can be substitute
for a parents love. Well anyway I guess I could go on but I think I got my
point across. I hope I haven't trod on any toes and I know you will all do
whatever you decide as a family but I just had to put in my 2 cents of
motherly advice. I tried to tell my half sister the same thing when she had
her children but it didn't matter to her I guess.

I don't want anyone attacking her for these thoughts that she has shared with me. She was a SAHM. I agree with her that a mother should be home with her child(ren). I think it did me wonders as I compare myself to my friends growing up and I see the affect that daycare has on the Little Guy and other kids I know. I know it's a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I would live that life in a heartbeat if I could. BJ would love for me to stay home or maybe just work part time close to home. Even if we didn't build this house we still could not afford for me to quit my job. I carry our medical and dental benefits. The Little Guy would still have to be in daycare that we would still have to pay for because his mother works and he spends 50% of his time with her. This house was supposed to be for our family of 4...with a yard and a cul de sac that is perfect for children, and a play room and a more convenient location over all. This house was not meant to be a choice of a "thing" over a child. And my choice would not be daycare if it could be avoided. BJ's sister graciously offered to watch our child if we were lucky enough to have one. Will it kill me to go back to work all day and be away from my child? YES. Would I cry and suffer separation anxiety? YES. Would it make BJ and I re-evaluate our lives and maybe try to change things to where I could be home? MOST LIKELY. We have thought about it plenty already. At this point in our lives my option is to work away from the home. I'd love to get a degree in something and then work out of my house but I don't see that as a reality right now.

I feel like even though she says she's hoping and praying for us that she thinks I won't be a good mother because I will work. I feel like she's telling me that I'm too selfish for buying a house and that I don't deserve a child. I feel like I will ruin a child if I get to have one. I feel like maybe this is why God hasn't let me have a baby...because I choose "things" instead. I feel like a failure as a mother and I don't even have a baby.

I know what I would miss out on if I was a working mother. Like I said, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat if I knew we wouldn't go homeless. It kills me right now thinking of the lack of time I'd spend with my child during the day. And I know she means no harm by offering her advice. It's something very near and dear to her and that's fine. I'm not mad at her for expressing her feelings. She's right, in my opinion. But knowing that I will work and still sending that e-mail upsets me very much.

I didn't know what to say in response to her so I just said:

I've thought of 20 different ways I could respond to your e-mail but will just say thanks for the advice. I know you mean well and would never intend to hurt my feelings, so I will say thank you for looking out for me. I love you lots and I'm lucky to have you.

And I mean every word of that response.