Missed the Boat

I ovulated last night. It was CD 10. It snuck up on me and I'm getting annoyed with my body for ovulating so darn early. BJ and I had some adult fun Friday night. Remember that? When you had sex just because you wanted to? The first 12 days of my cycle are a little tricky. I've always been an early ovulator but this is ridiculous. We just wanted to get the "stale" swimmers out of the way to make room for the good ones tonight or tomorrow night. I tested with an OPK Saturday morning and it was negative. Saturday night when I was getting ready for bed, I decided to test just to see...and wouldn't you know it was positive? Sugar Honey Iced Tea! Take the first letter of each of those and you have my response to that nasty little pee stick. I thought I'd still be able to squeeze in some action yesterday before that egg came out. It was not to be. I started feeling the ovulation pains around 7:00 or so. An interlude was the last thing on our minds at that time as I was overly tired for some reason and BJ was annoyed that the computer was not working properly. We ate dinner and then BJ's sister called to talk about Thanksgiving and then football came on. I was more than willing to give it a go, but the fact that BJ knew I was fertile put pressure on him and he doesn't like that. So...we missed another month. I know there is a slim chance that there might be a strong swimmer or 2 left from Friday's interlude, but I highly doubt it. Ugh! Why can't we both be 22 again and full of energy and ready to "go" at the drop of a hat? Because that would be too easy. Now I get to go through the next 2ww with little or no hope. I guess that could be a good thing since we are getting ready to move and I will have other distractions. I look at it this way...last cycle we nailed the timing and got a BFN. Maybe I'll get a surprise this cycle since I'm so sure that we missed that ovulation boat. Keep the hope alive....no matter what.

I also want to welcome any new readers/visitors for ICLW! You can get a little bit of background about me from here and here and here. And I do stress little, there's so much more to me that I want to get out there but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you are new to blogging, know that there is nothing like it. The support is wonderful. I wouldn't know what to do without my blogging buddies. If you just read and haven't yet started your own (that was me a while back) I highly recommend diving in to writing. It has helped me in many ways, not just with my TTC struggles but with other things going on in my life at any given moment. And I can tell you, those moments are sometimes almost too much to handle. But then I come here and I write and I heal. And hopefully along the way I can help someone else heal a little too.

Doctor Appointment Updates

I was so impressed Tuesday at my thyroid doc's office...I got there 10 minutes early and was taken back after only sitting there 20 minutes. Then I sat in the back room waiting for another 20 minutes...this must be a record. In walks my doctor.....ABOUT 6 MONTHS PREGNANT! What are the chances? So I say to her, "oh! look at you!" and she's a little evasive and replies, "yes, a little bit of a change." Whatever. She must have just gotten pregnant right around the last time I saw her. Just my luck. Anyway, she asked me to get more blood work and told me she would call me after she got the results. She thinks she may need to increase my meds a little. All in all it was quick and painless...aside from having to concentrate on her face as she was talking instead of drooling over her big belly.

My OB/GYN appointment went well also. I was lucky enough not to have to face any (obvious) fertiles while there. He is a very nice man and very attentive. I hadn't gotten my records beforehand but he suggested just dropping them off when I get them. Wouldn't you know they came about an hour after I got to work yesterday? Hmph. We went over my history. He asked a lot of questions. He played out several scenarios that he would normally use on someone that was just beginning this journey. Those didn't apply to me. I've already been through just about everything as far as he could tell. He sees no evidence that I have bad eggs. His belief is that I suffer from decreased ovarian reserve (DOR). He doesn't think increasing stims or decreasing stims would have any effect on the number of follicles/eggs produced. He actually said that the number of mature eggs that came from my IVF is consistent with the number of follicles I had...percentage-wise. That made me feel a little better. He is against doing a uterine biopsy as he says it's pretty painful and not that informative. He doesn't think I need a Lap procedure because he said that I don't really "present" like I have endo and since I've had so many sonos over the last year he sees no need to search for polyps. Unfortunately, he thinks my best course of action is IVF. I knew this, but was hoping for something else...you know, something I can actually do and afford.

He said that if it were him doing it (he can't as this hospital does not have the capabilities...he can't even give u/s yet as his equipment is on order) he would not have put me on BCP for my 2nd attempt at IVF #1. He thinks that no matter the amount of stims, I would only produce 3-5 good follicles. He said that 10 days may have still been too long. He would recommend a minimum stimulation IVF. Meaning no BCP, clomid, FSH, and an antagonist. He said that BCP do not diminish cysts, they only stop new ones from forming. He would rather aspirate a troublesome cyst rather than keep suppressing me as was done by the clinic. He is most interested in my FSH levels. I was certain that they were checked on CD3 every time but that was not the case after looking over my records. It seems they only checked it once and it was borderline high...just under 10. He said that is what makes the difference in the number of follicles produced.

He made sure to let me know that he, in no way, was saying that big clinics are just trying to get their numbers up but that sometimes the focus is lost due to "mass treatment of patients". Makes sense to me. He has a friend and (in his words) mentor that has a clinic in Northern VA that he could call and see how much it would cost for a fresh cycle. He called him while I was sitting right there. I was impressed with that. The cost would be about $5,500. Still out of reach, but much more doable than the $7,900 from my clinic (with my discount). There are ways I can come up with that kind of money. It will just take a little time. And this is presuming that we are not broke after we move into our new house. :-) He also said that he didn't know if any follow up visits with him would be covered by my insurance (the first consult definitely is) but when I drop my records off for him to review, we could talk informally. I thought that was very kind of him. He also said that he has quite a few friends that still work at Johns Hopkins (where he's from and where he was certified) that he could call for me if I wanted him to. Again, I like the way this guy thinks.

I'm not sure if I want to make an appointment to take my records or just send them to him and maybe do a phone consult. I will have to figure that out.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words about our new house. I wish I could have you all over once it's ready and we could sit around the fire and chat it up all night. That would be fun. We are going to a home show Saturday and I'm very excited about that. I've never been to one because I've never really had a reason. I've seen the commercials and the flyers and always wished I could go and look around...now I get to. Wouldn't it be nice if in 2 weeks I could say the same thing about Motherhood Maternity?

I didn't have a temp spike this morning like I should have. However, that is not abnormal for me...to get my spike the next day, but I was hoping for it just to confirm that we timed everything correctly. I'm very confident but there is always the part of me that wonders about what my body is actually doing in there.

1dpo - Not All Hope is Lost - EDITED

Let me tell you....yesterday I felt like someone was stabbing my ovary, twisting it up and trying to rip it out. Of course this is my left ovary. The one that hurts the most and the one that usually gets the functioning cyst and the one that is slower to respond to stims and the one that hurt the most after my ER. I haven't had that much pain while ovulating in a LONG ass time. It got so bad that I had to breath through it as though I were in labor. I've never been in labor, but I've heard LOTS of stories. I finally took some Motrin and it either eased the pain or the pain just lessened as the day went on as it usually does.

We had Chinese food for dinner last night. I ordered my favorite, General Tso's Chicken, and a large steamed rice with 2 shrimp egg rolls. The Little Guy was with his mom last night and one order is enough for just BJ and me. For some reason they gave me 3 fortune cookies. I'm mad at myself for forgetting to bring them in because I wanted to quote them word for word. Alas, I am a forgetting fool these days. We ate dinner and cleaned up and then I remembered about the cookies. I gave BJ his, took mine and began opening it and set the third one on the table. I smiled when I read (and this is paraphrasing) "When winter comes, you will be successful". BJ asked me what mine said and I made him wait until he read his. HIS SAID THE EXACT SAME THING! We started laughing. I was going to save the third one for the Little Guy but now I just HAD to know what it said. When I opened it I read out loud, "All your hard work will soon pay off". BJ laughed and said that he guesses we will both do something good at work. And I said, "no...what if we get pregnant this winter?" He said that would be cool. And then I said that I'd much prefer that it happen before winter gets here but I'll take it.

Remember how I was upset with him yesterday for not "performing" for me like every good little monkey should? And you should read that with complete sarcasm because I in NO WAY think of my husband that way. He proceeds to tell me that he'd actually prefer it happen next month when he isn't on his meds anymore because it has him a bit concerned. I felt like a fink. I thought he was just avoiding the babymaking stress but in actuality he was a bit freaked out by his medicine and how it might affect a growing baby. So all hope in him is not lost. :-) Plus, he did mention how we were active about 36 to 40 hours before I ovulated so there is still a chance. I'm not naive, I know the odds aren't good and that we really should have done it Tuesday...but I'll play along and be hopeful for another cycle. What have I got to lose? Besides my sanity.

So I start another 2ww today. And the fun begins of analyzing everything and thinking and dreaming and wondering and...oh hell, you know the drill.

***our fortunes said, "When winter comes, Heaven will rain success on you". Much better than how I remember it.