Lost

Isn’t it ironic how positive we can sometimes be when leaving comments on other people’s blogs and then turn right around and fill our own pages with buckets of sadness, negativity and depression? Well, that’s what I’m about to do. I left a comment earlier today on a blog stating that I try not to be a “downer” on my own blog too much...blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.


I feel so totally lost right now. I’m not lost in Limboland because that would mean that I’m in between certain situations or events. There’s no limbo involved in deciding (being forced) to stop TTC. It’s pretty final. And it pretty much sucks ass.

I don’t know how to be the woman that is not TTC. I’ll admit that there have been periods of time that I didn’t chart or temp or use opk’s, but I always paid attention to my CM and counted the days to when I thought ovulation would happen and I tried to plan our sex life around those times. I didn’t look at my fertility calendar until earlier this week to figure out when my period would be starting. I never felt myself ovulate so I have no idea where things are in my cycle right now. All of that feels foreign to me...not knowing when I ovulate? Yeah, right. I can usually give you the time of day.

I have done a little bit of research into government trials regarding IVF. I don’t even qualify for any of the local programs because I’ve had 2 failed IVF’s (the one that was cancelled and the BFN in 2009) and I didn’t/don’t produce a minimum of 8 eggs. Many of the other programs/trials are taking place in countries with names that I can’t even pronounce. Dead end again.

I checked the balance of my 401k yesterday as I have not looked at it in quite a while. I told BJ how much was in it and he said, “cool....take out $X and we can get our pool...or empty it and we can get our pool and a baby.” I looked him dead in the face and said, “Don’t think I haven’t already thought of that.” Then he talked reason into me and said that I’d have no retirement if we did that and that 11 years of saving would be gone. I know he’s right and that our future financial situation is very important to us and I don’t think I’d ever really empty my account....but I’ve thought about it.

I’ve thought about anything and everything I can to get my hands on the money for a donor egg program and I keep coming up empty handed. There’s nothing left to do. There is no stone left to turn over. This is the end of the line.

Each day I get up and I go through the motions. I laugh and I smile but it’s not as genuine as it should be. When BJ and I hug or snuggle all I can think about is how badly I want a baby for us. I don’t dare say it out loud for fear that hearing myself say it will trigger a sob-fest.

Only recently have I begun to enjoy food again. I eat because I have to and because it’s in front of me. I’d say in the last week I’ve really started enjoying certain things again...like really savoring the taste. Mostly though, it’s just food and I just keep putting it in my mouth. I’m sleeping fine and I don’t feel tired during the day, which is always good. However, I still just feel like I’m wandering...with no purpose and no destination. I know I have a future but now I know what will not be in it. I don’t like knowing that we are done. I don’t like knowing that there won’t be a baby. I liked it better when I thought that maybe a miracle could happen on its own since there was no real diagnosis. Now that I have a diagnosis all that miracle stuff has just flown out the window.

I put my best foot forward and I keep on going but I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just lost and wandering right now. I’ve always had a plan for if and when but now that I know that if and when turned into never, I don’t know where to go.

Not Sure What to Think

You know how I thought I ovulated on Monday and then I thought I ovulated on Wednesday? I'm not sure I ovulated at all. I got the positive OPK late Saturday night and it was still positive (no the same strip) Sunday morning. That is why I figured Monday was the big O day. That and my physical signs pointed that way, too. Until Wednesday. I didn't get my temp spike and I was oozing (sorry, tmi) watery cm. I was also feeling some pinching in the left ovary. Ok, so that would mean that the temp spike would come this morning, right? Wrong. Maybe it's my thermometer, the battery is a little low. Or maybe I don't have enough progesterone in my body to make my temp spike. Or maybe I never actually ovulated.

My head is spinning. I can't believe that my reliable body has been letting me down so much this passed (past? I'm never sure which word to use) year. I'm still having some ovary pain and that would signal to me that I have a cyst. Nothing new for me but a cyst usually develops after ovulation. My temperature has not signaled that I ovulated.

I tried to buy a battery for the thermometer today but the drugstore didn't have the right size. I bought a new thermometer. I hope it works correctly. We'll see, I guess. Nothing to do but sit around and wait. Isn't that what we infertile girls do best? NOT.

We are shopping for a dining room table this weekend. I really hope we can find something and agree upon it. I'm also hoping to NOT spend a fortune. November is getting here fast and we need a table for Thanksgiving! Ack!

Our neighbors, Rick and Leslie, are having a party Saturday night. It's a combination 50th b-day party for Rick, a deck opening and a "hooray we finished our basement" party. It should be fun. Especially since neither of us have to drive and we can leave whenever we want. That's the part I like. Since I won't be drinking, I can just leave BJ there to enjoy himself and go home to bed. That's my kind of party. :-) Well, I might have one drink. Leslie makes really good drinks that don't contain much alcohol (unless you wan it to) and let's get real here, folks. The likelihood that I have a fertilized egg in me (from Monday or Wednesday or never) is slim to none. So I won't feel bad about having a drink.

Sunday will hopefully be a day of laundry, brief cleaning and sitting on the deck getting some sun. It's supposed to be wonderful this weekend, just like today. Mid 80's and low, low humidity...perfect.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

You've GOT to be Kidding Me...

I think I'm ovulating this morning. I know I thought that Monday morning, but it really feels like it today. Also, my temp usually spikes (if you can call it that) 2 mornings after ovulating and it didn't this morning. I have some watery cm, too. UGH!!

BJ and I almost did the deed last night but decided to wait until tonight because it was so late and we were already tired and we knew that he had to get an earlier than usual start to his day today. WHY??? Why do we always miss it??

Basically I have no one to blame this time but myself. I'M the one that said, let's do it tomorrow night when we can get an earlier start at it since the Little Guy won't be here.

Un-freaking believable....really.

Sorry, needed to vent.