Living Vicariously

Back in the day...many, many years ago when I first started TTC, I couldn’t get enough of all things “baby”. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Stories, Maternity Ward, I read pregnancy journals online (the very first blogs!), I joined TTC message boards, I browsed the baby section in stores, I searched the web constantly for nursery ideas...I was all consumed. It was fun. I was full of hopes and dreams and I was sure I would get pregnant the very next cycle. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t wait to start my own pregnancy journal and was just so excited to experience all of what those women were going through. And then the years dragged on. My (then) SIL started popping out kids like a Pez dispenser, my sister got knocked up accidentally and my brother’s girlfriend did the same. Ladies at work were having kids. Life was passing me by. My marriage fell apart and no sooner did the ex hook up with someone, she got knocked up. It seemed hopeless to say the least.


For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.

Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*

I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.

This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.

So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.

Got My Wish...Well, Not Really

She showed up last night about 8:00 or so. She's here. How I wish she weren't. I don't think I've ever gone that long after ovulation before my period started. Plus, my temp was still above the cover line yesterday morning...just barely, but it was still up. This morning of course it's back down to it's usual 97.7 range. I took some motrin this morning to help with cramps and my new symptom...leg pains. It took me about 6 or 8 months to realize that my knees and hips start to ache really bad when AF shows up or is a day away. I usually just attributed it to cold weather, standing or walking too much, things like that. But the last 3 cycles I have actually paid attention and now I know. She has found a new way to cause me pain. Dumb, mean bitch that she is. I'm bummed and so is BJ. He had the same thought I had the other day...wasn't I just on my period? And to top it off, remember the ex sil that is a baby making machine? Well, she's back up on FB. And of course I read through her whole page and everyone was congratulating her on baby number 8. Apparently her husband now has a job. She's about 18 weeks along so she'll be getting the gender scan soon. I was so down in the dumps after reading all of those posts yesterday. If I could just have a tenth of her fertility...

I guess I need to put the blahs behind me and focus on the one good thing of AF showing up. I had a 26 day cycle. Maybe this is the beginning of good things for me. Maybe this means that my body will be a little more predictable. I have to hang onto to something or I will just sit here and wallow and sink into utter sadness. That's not what I want to do and it doesn't accomplish anything good. I will take this as yet another learning experience along the way. As if 9 years of learning experiences wasn't enough.

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BJ and I decided not to go to Atlantic City. We will be making our first mortgage payment today and thought that it wouldn't be a good idea (even though the room is free) to be going to a casino right now. We are trying to find something fun to do for Valentine's Day, though. It's not a holiday that we normally "do" anything for. I usually get a nice card and maybe some yummy chocolates, but we don't make a big deal out of it. The main reason is because his dad died on V-day so it's not a day he likes to "celebrate". I totally understand that. But at the same time, he understands that it's sweethearts day and he still thinks of me so that makes me appreciate the little things he does even more. I still have not found the time to sit down and create his paper album of pictures yet. I'm going to have to close myself in the room this weekend for maybe an hour each day to work on it.

My SIL is still in the hospital. She's not getting worse, but she isn't getting any better either. They have maxed out on her steroids and her breathing treatments. And yesterday, her respiratory nurse suggested she request to see a pulmonologist. I didn't know she wasn't being treated by one of those. It's pretty bad when your nurse thinks you need additional help that your doctor hasn't mentioned. This hospital does not have a great reputation for the best of care. I tried to call her a few minutes ago and she was getting another chest x-ray so I don't know if the new doctor has been in yet to see her. I'm a little worried now. I was ok once I visited her the first time as I thought she looked good and seemed like she wasn't getting worse. But now that a new doctor has been called in makes me wonder what he will find with her lungs. It's very scary. I'm going to think positive thoughts until I know anything for sure. It would mean a lot to me if you would do the same.

Good News all Around

As I was reading blog entries this morning I was overcome by happiness for 2 of my fellow bloggers...Eileen and Sprogblogger. They both got a BFP today! Hop on over and congratulate them. They have both been through the wringer the past couple of years and it's about time they had some true happiness. Eileen has undergone an IVF with a new clinic and Sprogblogger just went through a DE cycle. I'm hoping that both of them finally have their sticky beans this time! Yay for both of them being POAS addicts so that we can find out as early as we can!

The other bit of good news is that I really like my love seats. I will take a picture when the ottoman comes in and post it. I promised pictures of the new house and I've decided to take it room by room as we get each room set up. As my step-mom put it, it's nice to see empty room pictures, but it's better when it looks like you live there. I have to step into complaining mode a little bit, though. BJ isn't sure he likes the furniture now. It doesn't seem to be as supportive of his back as he's used to. Great. So I need to call the furniture store and check on their return policy just in case he changes his mind. I don't want him to keep it just because I like it. I know him and it will not be fun in our house if he's uncomfortable. So it may be back to the drawing table on furniture. :-( I'll keep you posted.

An e-mail just popped up on my screen and I read it and I shouldn't have. My ex-MIL and I are pretty close and I'm pretty close with the rest of the family, too. Just not my ex. I will tell a very brief background. The ex-MIL has 2 daughters. N is the oldest at 26. She started having babies at 19 and basically has not stopped since. The e-mail that just popped up was an announcement of yet another baby. This will be child #8. There's so much drama involved in this story that I could write a book and you probably wouldn't believe a lot of what I would write because you would think I was making it up and that no one is really that dumb/irresponsible. You'd be wrong, my friend. She is married...to the daddy of all the babies. That is about the only smart thing in this situation. Well, actually....the way she has gotten everything handed to her and gets everything she wants and works over everyone is the REALLY smart part. I figured she'd have another one because I truly believe she has an illness where she needs to be pregnant/center of attention/have babies. However, given the fact that her husband has just gone back to work after almost a year of unemployment (and he's working at a nearby mall as I understand it) would lead me to believe that she might put the breaks on her baby-making adventures. That, my friend, is where I am wrong. I'm sick of her having all these babies and other people paying her bills...her in-laws, her mother, the taxpayers (ME!). I just logged into FB to see what I could find out but apparently she has removed herself. I haven't been on there in a week or so and I don't do much on there so I don't know when she left. Humph. I just don't get it. Why put yourself even deeper in the hole? She's a nice girl with a good sense of humor and she loves her kids dearly. They are well cared for and loved beyond belief. They are great kids, all of them. But doesn't being a good parent entail some sort of fiscal responsibility?? I mean, come ON already. Maybe she's trying to get her own reality TV show? I can't even think about this right now. I was so happy when I started this post and now I'm deflated.

When will it be my turn? I don't want 8 or 7 or even 6....just ONE would make me the happiest. Just ONE to bless our lives. Just ONE to bring us joy. Just one...