The Big Day

The big day is not my wedding day or anything like that...it’s the day I will sit down with my doctor and discuss using donor eggs to expand our family. It’s either going to be a very GOOD big day or a very BAD big day. I’m so nervous. I don’t have a good feeling. The last time I sat down with him he told me that I was not eligible for the shared risk IVF. He knew then that I had bad eggs but didn’t tell me. I was too great a risk for them to take. So I sucked it up and took one last shot at IVF. I knew it would work and it did. It just didn’t last. I’m so rattled right now and I think that it’s because there is so much riding on this.


I would think that I’m the perfect candidate for donor eggs and that there should be no reason for them to deny us the shared risk program. He has always told me how great and beautiful my uterus is. He has never mentioned any strange blood disorders or immune issues...but maybe they never tested for them. I just have a feeling that I’m going to be disappointed after tomorrow’s appointment.

I don’t even know what the appointment will entail. I’m hoping to get hooked up with a donor coordinator tomorrow and get a password and start looking. I know there’s going to be lots of papers to fill out and legal jargon to sift through. I hope that we can start the process right away. BJ is so wonderful, he took the day off in case we need to sit there for a while. He said he’d rather do that than keep watching the clock and getting impatient knowing that he has things to do. I hope we are sitting there for a while. I want to start getting everything in order. I imagine there will be blood work and probably another SA (he’ll be thrilled). I plan on putting in the paperwork for my 401k loan as soon as we get the all clear from the financial lady that we can do the shared risk program. Hopefully we are allowed to enter that program.

I can’t tell you ladies how much it means to me to have you rooting for us and cheering us on and supporting us. I need ALL of it right now. I feel like I could throw up with anticipation. In less than 24 hours I will know what path we are on....heading toward another shot (or 6) or hitting a steel barrier.

In other news....I will not be one of those lucky ladies to post on here about a surprise BFP just as we make the decision for DE. Yesterday was CD1. Meaning that tomorrow would be a really good time for some blood work and for starting BCP’s in preparation. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

We painted the office Saturday. This reminds me that I have totally abandoned posting pictures of our house and the few changes we have made since we moved in. I’ll have to get back to that. As we were painting and doubting our ability and criticizing every little mistake we made, I told BJ that hopefully it was a practice run in case we get to paint a nursery. It seems crazy to think that it might happen...but it might, right? *sigh*

I’m just a worrier at heart, I guess. I was so pumped up the last time I went in there for an appointment and I guess I don’t want to do that to myself again. I probably will not update until Wednesday because if by chance I come to work I will be arriving late and playing catch up all day and if I don’t come in then I will be hanging with BJ for the day.

It’s go time.