Moving in the Right Direction

Our appointment went great yesterday! Dr. M was really impressed with my knowledge on how a DE cycle works. What did he think....that I was coming in blind on the whole process? Sheesh.  He also thinks it’s a GREAT idea to do the shared risk program. Hell yeah! He asked me where I am in my cycle and I proudly declared that I’m on day 3. He said that I should schedule my mock ET next week and he gave me a pack of bcp and samples of pre-natal vitamins. He told me that we have to start with the psychologist and sit down with her for an hour or so and then the donor coordinator would be in touch. I was worried that we’d have to wait to make that appointment and that BJ would have to miss work again but I was right on the phone with her as soon as we left Dr. M’s office. She saw us yesterday at 11:00. Now I’m waiting for the donor coordinator to call me to really get started. He doesn’t see any reason why this won’t work for us. I just need the mock to go well. It should, as it always has, but things inside the body can change. My mock is next Thursday. Yay!


I was hoping to meet with coordinator yesterday but that’s not how it worked out so I have to wait for them to call me. Needless to say my cell phone will not be leaving my side over the next couple of days.

The counselor appointment was interesting. Her business card says she is a social worker. Several diplomas on her wall show that she specializes in infertility. She is also a sufferer of infertility...she went through treatments for 10 years. She has biological children and an adopted daughter. I didn’t ask a lot of questions but it was nice to know that she’s been there/here. We covered the grieving process a little bit. We covered how there is no “perfect” match. We talked a bit about what to tell the child and other people in our lives. We touched on some books that will help with that when/if the time comes. She made it clear that it is our choice of how much information we share. She pointed out that the donor is just that, a donor and nothing more. The word she suggested for a young child to understand is “helper”. I liked that one. Then came the tough questions. What would we feel comfortable doing should the baby have a severe defect? We agreed that it depended upon what the defect was. She brought up Down’s and how there is no way to know how severe it is until after birth. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could terminate my child. I had a severely handicapped brother that I can’t imagine my life without. I would like to think that I could handle anything. BJ was pretty quiet at that point. I think he feels differently than I do on that subject. We agreed, however, that quality of the life of the child would be our main concern. I told him that I wondered what he would have done had the LG’s heart defect been discovered in utero. There was no answer. Sometimes you have to take a chance. The LG is fine, and wonderful and healthy. He had a rough start and it was stressful but you can’t just terminate on the “what ifs”. The next subject she brought up was not as tricky. She said (as did Dr. M) that they will transfer one 5 day blast in everyone’s best interest. I agreed. She then asked me what I thought if, down the road, say on my 4th or 5th transfer they suggested doing 2? I said it’s not ideal, but I would take them both and we would have to figure out how to handle 2 babies. Then she asked what would happen if one of them split? She said, “What if you were carrying triplets? Doing so puts you and the babies at risk...Dr. M would not be happy about this and he would want to reduce.” BJ spoke up and said that he would reduce by one to save me and to give our children the best possible chance. I agreed with him. I told her it would kill me to do that but it would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Covering these last two topics almost brought me to tears on more than one occasion. I know it’s her job but it made me feel like there was a right and wrong answer and that whatever I said would determine what report she gave to Dr. M. I know that is not the case (at least I hope) but it was something I thought about. She was very nice and very funny and we were at ease in her office. I’m glad we got that out of the way. Oh, and when I called her to make the appointment, she told me that her fee is $250 and she does not take credit cards. That was a shocker. She cashed our check as soon as we left apparently, too, because it has already cleared our bank.

We are on our way. I won’t fully breathe a sigh of relief until I get the all clear after my mock next week. However, I’m already on cloud 9. I can’t help it. It felt like the biggest hurdle was Dr. M and we sailed through that meeting with flyer colors. Now for more waiting. That’s the name of the game, right?

The Big Day

The big day is not my wedding day or anything like that...it’s the day I will sit down with my doctor and discuss using donor eggs to expand our family. It’s either going to be a very GOOD big day or a very BAD big day. I’m so nervous. I don’t have a good feeling. The last time I sat down with him he told me that I was not eligible for the shared risk IVF. He knew then that I had bad eggs but didn’t tell me. I was too great a risk for them to take. So I sucked it up and took one last shot at IVF. I knew it would work and it did. It just didn’t last. I’m so rattled right now and I think that it’s because there is so much riding on this.


I would think that I’m the perfect candidate for donor eggs and that there should be no reason for them to deny us the shared risk program. He has always told me how great and beautiful my uterus is. He has never mentioned any strange blood disorders or immune issues...but maybe they never tested for them. I just have a feeling that I’m going to be disappointed after tomorrow’s appointment.

I don’t even know what the appointment will entail. I’m hoping to get hooked up with a donor coordinator tomorrow and get a password and start looking. I know there’s going to be lots of papers to fill out and legal jargon to sift through. I hope that we can start the process right away. BJ is so wonderful, he took the day off in case we need to sit there for a while. He said he’d rather do that than keep watching the clock and getting impatient knowing that he has things to do. I hope we are sitting there for a while. I want to start getting everything in order. I imagine there will be blood work and probably another SA (he’ll be thrilled). I plan on putting in the paperwork for my 401k loan as soon as we get the all clear from the financial lady that we can do the shared risk program. Hopefully we are allowed to enter that program.

I can’t tell you ladies how much it means to me to have you rooting for us and cheering us on and supporting us. I need ALL of it right now. I feel like I could throw up with anticipation. In less than 24 hours I will know what path we are on....heading toward another shot (or 6) or hitting a steel barrier.

In other news....I will not be one of those lucky ladies to post on here about a surprise BFP just as we make the decision for DE. Yesterday was CD1. Meaning that tomorrow would be a really good time for some blood work and for starting BCP’s in preparation. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

We painted the office Saturday. This reminds me that I have totally abandoned posting pictures of our house and the few changes we have made since we moved in. I’ll have to get back to that. As we were painting and doubting our ability and criticizing every little mistake we made, I told BJ that hopefully it was a practice run in case we get to paint a nursery. It seems crazy to think that it might happen...but it might, right? *sigh*

I’m just a worrier at heart, I guess. I was so pumped up the last time I went in there for an appointment and I guess I don’t want to do that to myself again. I probably will not update until Wednesday because if by chance I come to work I will be arriving late and playing catch up all day and if I don’t come in then I will be hanging with BJ for the day.

It’s go time.