Changes All Around

Friday was a really hard day for me.  It was my boss's last day.  I was an emotional mess to say the least.  My entire work life has changed.  I tried to have a conversation with her about my new boss and what my concerns were and I couldn't even speak.  The emotions were running too high.  I was on the verge of tears all day.  It came time for me to leave and she had someone in her office.  Neither of us wanted to say good-bye.  It was good that I was running late for my bus and that she had someone in with her.  We hugged, cried and tried to say something to each other but the only things coming out were tears.

The staff gathered together for cupcakes and stories and good-byes.  Of course, my cell phone started ringing in the middle of everything.  I ran out of the room to answer my nurse's call.  She said that my calendar had changed just a little bit.  I will now be on bcp for only 14 days.  I have an appointment on 4/2 for u/s and b/w.  As long as everything is ok, I will start my microdose Lupron (20 units) on 4/4 every 12 hours.  I will do this for 2 days.  On the third day I will start my FSH injections and my Menopur.  I will do this for 3 days and then return to the office for monitoring.  Further dosing instructions will follow after that appointment.  They have a tentative ER set for 4/17 and a tentative transfer date of either 4/20 or 4/22.

This changes my timeline a lot....of course if all goes as planned.  And I know from experience that things don't usually go as planned for me.  We shall see.  If we could do an ER on 4/17 that would be awesome because it's a Sunday and no one would have to miss work.  And if by some miracle we make it to a 5 day transfer that would be Good Friday and I'm already off that day.  BJ wouldn't go with me for the transfer so he wouldn't have to miss any work.  Another reason to root for a 4/17 ER is that we have the Little Guy that weekend but we could arrange for him to stay at his cousin's Saturday night and then just pick him up on our way home and no one has to be any wiser on what we are doing.  It all sounds good, right?

So there I was, feeling very excited about my cycle starting and very sad about my boss leaving...it was a very conflicting afternoon indeed.

Our neighbors had their baby on 3/14.  These are the neighbors that had been trying for quite a while for #3 and that I spilled my guts to last Spring about our IF woes.  I went to her shower last month.  We kept meaning to go over and see the baby but we have been really busy.  The one time we were really ready to go over there both mommy and baby had just fallen asleep.  Anyway, they popped over to our house yesterday evening.  I wasn't prepared for that...I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner.  The dad had the baby and when I stepped up to look at her he handed her to me.  She is the spitting image of her father...no joke.  She's cute and small and wriggly.  Here's the strange part...I didn't really feel anything when I held her.  I wasn't sad, I wasn't bitter, I wasn't excited, I wasn't filled with hope...nothing, nada, zilch.  I just talked to her and touched her little nose and tried to stop her from gouging out her own eyes.  This is a change for me.  I usually avoid holding babies...especially ones that are not family.  I don't think I have held a newborn since our niece was born almost 4 years ago.  I wasn't filled with the "wanting to eat you up" syndrome either.  It was very strange.  I felt very detached and unaffected.  I'm worried about what that means for me.  I don't know if that means I have given up hope or that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  Maybe it means my heart is starting to heal and accept that I won't have a baby of my own.  That can't be it because I got tears in my eyes when I typed that sentence.  My heart has accepted no such thing.  At least not yet.

I have a meeting with my new boss at 2:00 today.  I have some questions and I hope I can come out of there feeling a little less lost.  There's so much change happening around me that I'm having a hard time keeping up.  I need to find a way to relax and release the stress so that my body is ready for this IVF project.  I don't want to look back and have regrets and wonder what would have happened if I had just "relaxed" a little.  I know the word "relax" can be an Infertile's least liked word, but I've seen proof recently that relaxing might actually play a roll in this stupid game.

CD 1

My period started this morning.  And wouldn't you know that I was supposed to have my annual exam this afternoon?  The doctor's office has rescheduled with me twice and I was afraid of this happening.  I made my first phone call to my OB/GYN to reschedule.  She's not free to see me in the office closest to my house until May 3!  My next phone call was to my nurse, Crystal.  I left her a message letting her know that today is day 1.  She should be calling me soon to tell me to start my bcp on Saturday, CD3.  This is really happening...like now.  By the time May 3 comes around I will probably be in my 2ww.  Not sure I will be keeping that appointment.  Probably not a good idea to have a pap when I'm trying to create a great place for a baby to grow.  We'll see.  I'll ask Crystal when I talk to her this afternoon.

I will admit that I was still hoping for a miraculous conception.  My period wasn't late or anything but the only sign that I had that she was coming was a headache Monday night.  I pretty much chalked that up to all the driving I did.  My moods have been pretty mellow, I haven't been overly tired, I don't feel bloated...although my boobs have been hurting since Saturday...but that could mean either pregnant or not....I was going with the former.  Silly girl.

I was happy to see AF arrive, but I was also scared.  We are doing this.  We are spending the money (as dumb as it may be right now) and we are moving forward.  I'm going to be giving myself shots in a little over 3 weeks.  The roller coaster ride has officially begun.

In other news...our neighbor (he has 3 boys and he loves sports and he's really good at sports) is going to be the Little Guy's little league coach this year!  Yay!  I think the LG will learn a lot from him and in a positive way.  They will have practices at the elementary school that is about 2 minutes from our house.  Double yay!  The first practice is this Saturday from 1:00 to 3:00.

My boss's last day is tomorrow.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.  She's been driving me nuts these last 2 weeks trying to get all of her personal electronics straightened out and figured out.  She is very e-challenged and has always been able to just call me into her office when she needs help.  Not anymore.  I'm worried about her.  I've gone over her new cell phone with her and taught her some basic stuff.  She needs to get her phone numbers transferred over and that should be it.  Her office is a mess because she's cleaning stuff out.  My new boss told me today that he wants to have a sit-down Monday to go over a "bunch of things."  I.can't.wait.  Change is inevitable but sometimes it really sucks.

I offered up a peace offering to my co-worker from my last post.  She loves canned coke so I bought her one and left it on her desk with a little note that apologized for being 'difficult'.  She gave me a hug and said that she just wants 'the old TeeJay back'.  I smiled and thought to myself...'yeah, there's a lot of things I wish could be the old way'.  So we are fine for now and things will be so busy for me in the near future that I don't think I'll have time to 'not be nice'.  I'll be focused on work and on my upcoming IVF.  Not much room for anything else.

I have more to blog about but I'm a bit pressed for time right now.  I do want to let everyone know that I'm reading your blogs, I'm just not getting many comments in.  I've figured out how to "like" a post from my iPhone so I have been doing that a lot.  Please know that I am reading and rooting for you and my thoughts are always with you.  You guys are the greatest therapy a girl good have.

Long Story, Short

Ok, so I don't think I've ever told a long story in a short manner but that is usually my intent. I will do my best here.

Work has been completely insane this week. I had that conference to prep for and it took place Tuesday morning. I had to get up at 4:45am to make it downtown in time to get what I needed and head over to the convention center for an arrival time of 7:00am. Long day to say the least. It went well and everyone was pleased with the work we did. Our executive council meeting was set to start Wednesday. It's a 2-day meeting and the days are broken down by topic. My boss wanted to hand out materials for her portion on Thursday morning. No big deal...she told me that I would be making 60 packets. I can handle that. I come in Wednesday fully prepared for the task at hand. Everything comes to a screeching halt when I find out that I actually have to make 125 packets! Holy sh!t! That changes things...big time. Plus, 2 documents have to be in color. Which means making a last minute request to our printing department (which they love by the way) to get these copies made for me. The materials changed, and I kid you not, at least 5 times during the day. So I come to the realization that I will be staying late to get them done. Which I do. However, the packets have not been approved by our president yet. There could be changes. The meeting starts at 9:00am on Thursday and if I have to make changes to 125 packets then I will, again, have to come in super early. So I do. I get up at 5:15am yesterday and drag my ass in here only to find out that everything is fine. Which is good. However I still have to get them over to the meeting place. Everything went fine and I'm so glad it's over. These couple of days of pandemonium and long days have really taken a toll on me. Not to mention that I drove in yesterday to save some time and because we had some really wicked storms in the afternoon I sat in traffic for an hour longer than I should have. It took me over 2 hours to get home. I am spent.

Today will be a catching up day from everything that has been piling up on my desk this week. And that is fine with me.

In cycle news...I'm on CD23, 13DPO. My boobs are hurting, and I'm constantly checking them. I'm on the look out for any spotting. Since I have been feeling pms-y for about a week now, I can't judge my moods. I'm not temping so I don't have that bit of info either. All I have is sore boobs. I'll take it. That means that my body is doing what it should right now.

I haven't been a very good commenter lately and I apologize for that. I've been feeling pretty stressed at work and they limit what I can do on here so it's hard to comment as much as I want to. I plan to get better. But I also plan to get pregnant. :-) Just kidding, I will get better. Rest assured though, I am reading and following along with all of you. Those are the times of my day that I enjoy...when I can read a blog entry or two and find out how all of you are doing.

No plans for the weekend, really. We have the Little Guy but he'll be with his mom tomorrow afternoon and evening for a b-day party...for her 40-year-old friend. Don't ask me why he needs to be there for that but whatever. I'll be cleaning house for sure. Having 2 cats has multiplied our need to vacuum and dust more regularly. I actually have some house news and some good Gizmo stories but they will have to wait. This is entirely too long and pretty boring already.

Oh what the hell....we found some shades that we really like for the kitchen bump out sidelights and for our bathroom. Mind you, BJ put blinds up in our bathroom just a few days after we moved in. I hate them. They are so plain and white and just feel cold to me. We found some at Lowe's that I think will be wonderful! We haven't ordered them yet as they are very expensive to say the least. We are waiting for my bonus check to come in (next Friday!) before we spend that kind of money. The kitchen ones are just white but they are the top down/bottom up kind. That way we can put the top down to let in the light but or neighbors won't be able to see us through the bottom! Clarification....this will help broaden our horizons to where we can have "fun" time! The bathroom shades are called day and night. The top half (that can come all the way down) are brown with a design on the fabric and then the bottom half (that can go all the way up) are an off white linen type of material. My plan is to pull the brown part about 1/3 of the way down the window to give the area some color (the bathroom colors are blue and chocolate brown) and then leave the off white part down to let the light in (or raise them if I want to see out). They are extra expensive because we had to have them custom sized and they charge extra for cordless, which we got for the kitchen windows. The back door is a glass door and I recently got one of those curtains that just covers the glass and bunches in the middle so I think everything will match well. And I know I still owe you pictures of my finished kitchen. If BJ would ever put the handles on and put the shoe molding back, I could take pictures. I refuse to do so until it's completely done. So you will just have to suffer without seeing it done the same way I am. :-)

Anyway, sorry for the long post...see, I might be wordy but I'm not an exaggerator. I warned you that I can't tell a long story, short. Have a great weekend everyone!