The New Plan

My wheels began to turn the minute BJ said he wanted to move forward with DE. The main thing stopping us has been money. We were going to get a pool this year (it’s been on hold for 2 years) for the family to enjoy. It was a guaranteed expense with a guaranteed outcome and years of enjoyment. The whole reason we needed a house with a big back yard was for the pool. The LG wants one like no tomorrow. He talks about it often, as do the rest of us. So when BJ said that we would scrap the pool it was a very big deal in our house. Of course the LG is not yet aware that he will not be getting a pool. On the off chance that we do not get a baby out of this, we get our money back and will put it towards a pool.


The decision was made to move forward with the shared risk program at our clinic. We pay a fee and we get 6 fresh and any frozen cycles until we take home a baby. If we do not take a baby home (not even going there) then we get our money back. Now, to come up with a plan to get the money.

The majority of the money will come from my 401k. In order to be able to pay the loan back (because I only get 5 years to do so) I will have to stop contributing. Not the wisest financial move but like my husband said, a baby is more important than my 401k right now. We will take a small amount from our savings account, a small amount from my credit union account (ok it will wipe that account out) and hopefully the rest will come from our tax refund. If it ends up not being enough then I will have to humble myself and ask my dad for any remaining funds that are needed.

I called the clinic the very next morning to tell them our plan. We can’t move forward until we have a meeting with Dr. M. That meeting will take place on January 31. I also put myself on the waiting list in case he has a cancellation. They gave me a temporary password to look through the data pool of potential donors. I found one I loved. I wrote her file number down so I could show BJ that evening. Wouldn’t you know she was already taken by the time I got home? Wow. And can I tell you how strange it was to be looking at these baby pictures and reading all of these traits about these women? More on that another time.

That is where we stand right now. I’m waiting, not so patiently, for the 31st. I’m also freaking out that they will find some way of telling us that we don’t qualify for the shared risk program. The ONLY way we can do this and the ONE stipulation that BJ gave was that we had to have a guarantee this time. I don’t blame him. I can’t throw more money away on hope anymore.

Christmas, New Year and Then Some

From all of the blog posts I’ve been reading everyone had a pretty good Christmas and a great New Year. There were a few exceptions but I think most have bounced back in fine fashion.


I had a good Christmas. It could have been better had I still been pregnant but I made lemonade out of my lemons. I didn’t let my heartache get to me too much. I stayed dry eyed most of the time. The Little Guy came over around 1:30 and we had our celebration. He is one spoiled child. I am one spoiled wife, too. BJ got me a great new camera...with a real lens and a tripod and he even thought of getting an extra battery. I *heart* him greatly. He’s pretty spoiled himself, though. He got new tools and a big tool box for the garage. We had a lovely dinner and it was a great day.

Once Christmas was over I was ready to put the house back together. I used to be a person that would leave the decorations up until January 1. Not anymore. If I had the energy it would have all come down the day after Christmas. As it was, I let it stay up until that Thursday. The outside stuff came down on New Year’s Eve...it was 60* so it was perfect for taking everything down and trimming the rose bushes back. It was unbelievably warm outside and we did all of this in t-shirts.

New Year’s was a little bit of a drag because I kept thinking of how big my belly should be and how going out should not have even been a thought. But we went out and had a quiet evening at the Lodge and made it home in time to see the ball drop.

While I was off I managed to get quite a bit done in my scrapping room. It was a disaster. I cleaned everything up and organized and now it’s beautiful in there. I just need some shelves for the closet. I also got quite a bit of scrapping done over break. I think I can put all of my pages into an album now. It’s amazing what I can get done when the boys are playing video games and I’m caught up with most of the cleaning because I’m at home and not at work.

Going back to work sucked. Sitting in traffic and getting home late is such a drag. I’m thankful that I can take a bus and try to chill or catch a quick a nap but at the same time I wish I were in control of how fast I drive and which way I go and who to pass, you know? It’s sort of nice to be back in a routine but I’d rather be home keeping up on the cleaning and shopping and cooking good meals for my boys. Oh well, it is what it is, right?

It’s a new year and apparently my husband has been thinking about our situation a lot. So much so that he totally surprised me at dinner on January 3. The Little Guy was at his mother’s and we were just finishing up our meal when he says to me, “I think we should forget about the pool and work on getting you pregnant.” I.was.stunned. He went on to say how he’s not getting any younger and his time is just about up as far as having a baby and how a baby is much more important than a pool anyway and that we need to go for the DE program with 6 tries and a money back guarantee. I couldn’t speak. I sat there and just stared at him. He finally started laughing and said, “well? Yes?” I just said, “ok” and got up and hugged him and thanked him and told him how sorry I was that we keep having to sacrifice so much money because I just can’t get pregnant and how this conversation and plan is coming at the right time because my due date was January 7. I squeezed him so tight and then the tears came. It was such an amazing feeling. I have lots more to write about this because nothing is ever that easy and we are slowly putting a plan together that we hope will lead us to a take home baby. I just wanted to get this out there because I’m about to burst if I don’t tell someone.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your encouraging words and your hugs and your support. You have been there for me in ways I can't even put into words.  The comments, the support, the advice...I'm so grateful for all of it.  I am happy to say good-bye to 2011 because even though it brought me my first BFP ever, it also brought me great heartache with my loss. I learned that I could fall instantly in love with 2 lines and then be devastated by a low beta number. It seems that everywhere I turned babies dominated. Whether it was TV commercials, movies, a lot of the Fall TV schedule....even Chuck. Not sure if any of you watch that show but the main woman just had a pregnancy scare. I just couldn’t believe how much some of this hurt. I think BJ picked up on my pain and that is what made him bring up DE with me. I think he would see me look away from the TV or leave the room or maybe it was all the negative, bitter comments I would make.  I don’t know where this road will take us because things are just beginning. I just know that I have a renewed hope that scares the bejezus out of me. I have much more to write but I will stop for now. I am looking forward to sharing this new chapter with all of you and maybe finding some new blogs to follow that will help me sort out everything I’m feeling as we head down this new road. Love to you all and I hope that 2012 brings all of us much happiness and good health and healing.