Christmas, New Year and Then Some

From all of the blog posts I’ve been reading everyone had a pretty good Christmas and a great New Year. There were a few exceptions but I think most have bounced back in fine fashion.


I had a good Christmas. It could have been better had I still been pregnant but I made lemonade out of my lemons. I didn’t let my heartache get to me too much. I stayed dry eyed most of the time. The Little Guy came over around 1:30 and we had our celebration. He is one spoiled child. I am one spoiled wife, too. BJ got me a great new camera...with a real lens and a tripod and he even thought of getting an extra battery. I *heart* him greatly. He’s pretty spoiled himself, though. He got new tools and a big tool box for the garage. We had a lovely dinner and it was a great day.

Once Christmas was over I was ready to put the house back together. I used to be a person that would leave the decorations up until January 1. Not anymore. If I had the energy it would have all come down the day after Christmas. As it was, I let it stay up until that Thursday. The outside stuff came down on New Year’s Eve...it was 60* so it was perfect for taking everything down and trimming the rose bushes back. It was unbelievably warm outside and we did all of this in t-shirts.

New Year’s was a little bit of a drag because I kept thinking of how big my belly should be and how going out should not have even been a thought. But we went out and had a quiet evening at the Lodge and made it home in time to see the ball drop.

While I was off I managed to get quite a bit done in my scrapping room. It was a disaster. I cleaned everything up and organized and now it’s beautiful in there. I just need some shelves for the closet. I also got quite a bit of scrapping done over break. I think I can put all of my pages into an album now. It’s amazing what I can get done when the boys are playing video games and I’m caught up with most of the cleaning because I’m at home and not at work.

Going back to work sucked. Sitting in traffic and getting home late is such a drag. I’m thankful that I can take a bus and try to chill or catch a quick a nap but at the same time I wish I were in control of how fast I drive and which way I go and who to pass, you know? It’s sort of nice to be back in a routine but I’d rather be home keeping up on the cleaning and shopping and cooking good meals for my boys. Oh well, it is what it is, right?

It’s a new year and apparently my husband has been thinking about our situation a lot. So much so that he totally surprised me at dinner on January 3. The Little Guy was at his mother’s and we were just finishing up our meal when he says to me, “I think we should forget about the pool and work on getting you pregnant.” I.was.stunned. He went on to say how he’s not getting any younger and his time is just about up as far as having a baby and how a baby is much more important than a pool anyway and that we need to go for the DE program with 6 tries and a money back guarantee. I couldn’t speak. I sat there and just stared at him. He finally started laughing and said, “well? Yes?” I just said, “ok” and got up and hugged him and thanked him and told him how sorry I was that we keep having to sacrifice so much money because I just can’t get pregnant and how this conversation and plan is coming at the right time because my due date was January 7. I squeezed him so tight and then the tears came. It was such an amazing feeling. I have lots more to write about this because nothing is ever that easy and we are slowly putting a plan together that we hope will lead us to a take home baby. I just wanted to get this out there because I’m about to burst if I don’t tell someone.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your encouraging words and your hugs and your support. You have been there for me in ways I can't even put into words.  The comments, the support, the advice...I'm so grateful for all of it.  I am happy to say good-bye to 2011 because even though it brought me my first BFP ever, it also brought me great heartache with my loss. I learned that I could fall instantly in love with 2 lines and then be devastated by a low beta number. It seems that everywhere I turned babies dominated. Whether it was TV commercials, movies, a lot of the Fall TV schedule....even Chuck. Not sure if any of you watch that show but the main woman just had a pregnancy scare. I just couldn’t believe how much some of this hurt. I think BJ picked up on my pain and that is what made him bring up DE with me. I think he would see me look away from the TV or leave the room or maybe it was all the negative, bitter comments I would make.  I don’t know where this road will take us because things are just beginning. I just know that I have a renewed hope that scares the bejezus out of me. I have much more to write but I will stop for now. I am looking forward to sharing this new chapter with all of you and maybe finding some new blogs to follow that will help me sort out everything I’m feeling as we head down this new road. Love to you all and I hope that 2012 brings all of us much happiness and good health and healing.

The Old and the New

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch over the holiday season.  It was a tough time for me as well as a busy time and it's hard to find posting time at home.  I'm going to to give a quick recap of the end of last year and the beginning of this year.  Well, I say "quick' but ya'll know me...I blabber.  :-)

• Christmas was great.  My husband spoiled me by getting me the new iPhone, an external hard drive and several scrapbooking items that were on my wish list.  He's the best.  I spoiled him by getting him 2 power tools, tinting his windows in his truck, a Winter Classic t-shirt and some other odds and ends.  The Little Guy was the most spoiled, of course.  He got lots of cool shirts (and yes, he liked them as they were 98% skater related), 4 video games and an electric guitar with lessons.  Oh, and a complete array of art supplies to try and encourage his creative side.  One guess of who got him the art supplies and who got him the video games.  :-)
• Christmas sucked.  AF showed up first thing in the morning.  I knew she would.  She always knows how to ruin everything.
• The Little Guy was supposed to attend basketball camp for a 1/2 day for 4 days while he was off school.  Of course, he wound up with a nasty head cold and was unable to go at all.  It put a damper on most of my plans but I adjusted and was able to get some of my errands done anyway.
• I spent Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas taking everything down and putting it on the dining room table.  We took the outside decorations down on Saturday because it was the warmest day without rain or snow.  I had to buy some new storage bins to accommodate our decorations and then I packed everything away and took it to the basement.  It was kind of a cleansing feeling.
• New Year's was pretty laid back.  I bought a new outfit and told BJ that he was taking me somewhere, anywhere so that I wasn't just sitting at home.  We finally decided to go to dinner locally and then go to the neighbor's house to hang out.  I really had wanted to go out and go dancing and stay at a hotel but it was just too expensive.  We did call ahead seating and upon arrival were told that we still had an hour wait.  Holy cow!  As it turns out, we only waited 23 minutes to be seated.  Awesome!  We had a really good dinner and I enjoyed a mixed drink.  :-)  We chilled at the restaurant because I didn't want to get to the neighbor's too early and be bored.  We were joined by another set of neighbors and we listened to iPod music and had the TV on but muted so we could watch for the ball to drop.  The guys played pool and darts.  We found some songs on the neighbor's iPod that we could dance to so the night wasn't a total bore for me.  :-)
• We watched the Winter Classic on TV and I about had a coronary.  It had the feeling of a Stanley Cup Game 7 for me.  Of course, the outcome was fantastic!  My team played so good and I was so proud of them for rising to the occasion and showing that they can go to our rival's home turf and still come out with a win.
• It was back to work Monday and things have been strange here to say the least.  My boss announced that she will be retiring this Spring.  I've worked for her for almost 11 years.  I'm going to be lost without her.  She's always been very understanding and allowed me what time I needed for anything from getting my hair done (taking a little longer at lunch) to adjusting my hours to attend the Little Guy's baseball games, to completely cheering me on during my fertility treatments.  She, herself, did many IUI's to conceive her 2nd child.  I don't know what the future holds but I hope I get another boss as understanding as she has been.
• 2011 is a scary year for me and my reproductive future.  It's the year of my End Game.  It scares the hell out of me.  At the same time, though, I'm slowly coming to grips with it.  My 35th birthday is just over 5 months away.  If I have not conceived by then, we are done.  BJ has made a couple of comments lately about his age and not wanting to be a grandfather to his own child.  I worry about my eggs.  The Little Guy will be 10 in June.  All the pieces are coming together for me to put this chapter of my life behind me.  There has been a (surprising) couple of mentions of adoption in our house lately.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I have so many thoughts whirling around my head about it that I need to get them all on paper in their own post.

It seems that 2011 has brought many of the same emotions that I had in 2010.  So I guess it's not really out with the old and in with the new around here.  It's just more of the same.  I also need to write a post about my mother.  I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the story but I need to.  She called me out of the blue yesterday and I just don't know what to make of it all.

I loved reading about everyone's Christmas and now that I have my iPhone, I've been able to read more on my own time.  I'm still trying to figure out the easiest way to comment from my phone.  I've done it a few times but it can be a little cumbersome on some blogs.  I hope everyone has a great year this year, whether it's getting pregnant, giving birth, adopting or just living life with your new baby(ies).  I hope for nothing but happiness for you all and hearts full of joy.  That is what a new year and new beginning is all about, right?