11dp5dt - Really Scared Right Now - Updated**

**Going for my beta at 8:30 tomorrow morning.  My nurse said that if I had talked with her yesterday she still would not have let me come in today.  She also said that the results would be in around 1:00 and she tries to call all the beta patients first.  So by this time tomorrow I'll have my first number.  I'm sure they will want to do another one on Thursday or Friday.  I called my OB/GYN's office to reschedule my annual exam.  The receptionist said that if I get a good number tomorrow to call them and schedule my first real appointment.  She wished me luck.  It was so surreal to have that conversation and to talk about how "far along I am".  Me.  I had a phone conversation with BJ earlier and we were talking about gas prices and I how I'm pissed at our government for letting oil companies do this to us.  He said, "don't get yourself so worked up...you're pregnant."  Wow...strong words to hear out loud.  I couldn't help but smile big and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  I'm still feeling all the twinges and "full" in my ute area and I'm hoping that is a very good thing.  I am going to enjoy this feeling right now and just hope and pray for a good beta tomorrow.  I know it will be positive and I'm hoping for it to be above 100 at this point.  I'm not coming to work after the test as we have a meeting at the Little Guy's school in the afternoon.  I will update you guys as soon as I can.  Thank you all so much for your encouraging words.  I hate that IF has ruined us to always think the worst.  I'm going to try really hard to not let that be the case anymore.  I've gotten this far with staying pretty calm and letting my faith carry me through.  I need to try harder to let go of these fears.  You guys help a  a lot.  Thank you!

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Even though I have been trying to be level headed and calm about this...I am in love with the thought that there is a baby growing in me right now.  I can't stop smiling, inside or out.  I keep saying it in my head but have yet to be able to say the words out loud.  And this morning after I peed on my last FRER I was actually excited to turn it over.  I've never really been excited about a hpt before....more like scared and anxious and hopeful.  However that excited feeling quickly escaped my body as my heart sank and I saw that the line was lighter than yesterdays line.  It's definitely there and I don't need a magnifying glass to see it, but shouldn't it at least be the same as yesterday?

I've already been busy googling what this could mean.  Most of it is not good.  There have been a few people where it didn't make much difference but mostly, it's bad news.  One of my bloggy buddies actually commented that one of her tests were lighter several days after the initial positive.  That is encouraging but there's still all the other people that had a bad outcome.  I'm scared shitless right now while trying to stay positive.  That's an odd mix.  All I keep saying to myself and to God is please let this baby stay with me.  I've never been this close, I've never had these emotions before.  I've never felt like a mother until I saw those 2 lines for the first time on Friday.  I don't want this to end.

I debated buying more pee sticks and decided against it for now.  I might change my mind later but for now I can't bring myself to do it.  I called my clinic yesterday but the weekend staff would not let me move my beta up.  They said I had to ask my nurse today.  So I have a message in to her and I'm waiting to hear back on whether or not I can come in tomorrow.  I know it's only 1 day earlier but it's 1 day earlier.

BJ asked me this morning if the test was the same as yesterday's and I told him yes.  I didn't lie, it's still a positive test.  I didn't want him to start his negative thinking.  He does enough of that for 4 people.  I need him to believe that this is real as much as I do.  I told him that I was already attached and he asked me, "to the thought or to the baby?"  I said "the baby".  As the words were leaving my mouth my heart just grew with so much love.  He's still very reserved.  Last night before bed he told me that he wasn't going to believe it until the doctor told him it was real.

I woke up at 4:45 this morning unable to go back to sleep.  My mind was racing with thoughts of me having a baby in my uterus right now.  I was thinking about how I haven't had any caffeine since transfer (1 diet soda) and how I really need to drink more milk and we need to keep more fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and things like that.  And then I thought about how I'm a different person now.  BJ and I had a brief conversation last night after the LG went to bed.  I told him that it's not a false positive but that I wasn't sure how to deal with that.  I'm very good at being a sad, bitter, depressed infertile but I don't know how to be excited over a positive test yet.  He hasn't seen much of it except once last night he noticed I had my hand on my belly.  He commented about it and I just said that I've never had a reason to rub my belly and now I do.

I hope I do, anyway.  I felt so blessed when I first saw those 2 lines.  I have prayed for those 2 lines for 10 years.  To finally get them but to have them taken away from me will be too much pain to carry.  Please stick, baby....please.