I only have 1 person on FB that keeps announcing pregnancies and babies and can't stop talking about how all of her kids (soon to be 8) are just the best blessing from God and how being a mommy is the greatest thing in the world and on and on....wretch. I have other "friends" that talk about activities for their kids and wish them happy b-days and post cute pictures. I don't mind these posts as much.
I just logged in and found out the sex and the name of the newest baby from this person. People can't stop raving about all her little angels and how much she is blessed with her gifts from God. Ok, I get it. And I know that children are gifts from God to be relished and doted on. But what a slap in the face.
Am I NOT blessed because I can't have babies? Do I NOT have any gifts because I can't get pregnant? I typed out this status update:
I might not have any kids, but I'm still blessed by God.
And then I erased it and logged out. I'm chicken shit to post anything like that. Mainly because she would know it's directed at her and I don't want to hurt her feelings. She can't help it that she is the most fertile person to walk this earth. And I know she's a good mom and loves her kids and they are great kids so she should be proud. Also, I'm not ready to "out" myself because I'm sure there would be questions as to why I would post such a thing and why don't I "just have a couple" so that I can find out what real blessings are? And so on and so forth.
Ugh....so frustrating.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Happiness Is...
I'd like to start doing a post (at least once a week but ideally several times a week) about things that make me happy in a given day (time period). These things will be listed in no particular order and will help remind me of everything that I have to be thankful for and everything that actually goes "right" in my life. The term "Happiness Is" comes from a song I remember from my childhood with the same name. I don't remember all the lyrics but I remember that "happiness is different things to different people" being a part of the chorus so that is what I chose as my title for these posts.
Happiness is...
* my snow boots that I bought in September. I got them from the Bass Pro Shop in the little boys section. The Little Guy has the same pair, just a different size. I figured it was pretty pointless to buy them but they were only $40 so I figured if I even got to wear them once, I'd be happy. They have turned out to be the best winter clothing purchase I have ever made. With all the snow we have gotten this winter they have kept my feet warm and dry (a first for me in the winter) on so many days. I can even play in the snow in them because they are so high and water proof.
* sleeping in 10 minutes this morning. It might not seem like much to some, but I have such a hectic morning schedule (especially when we have the Little Guy to get to daycare) with trying to catch my bus and be a good wife and make a lunch and get coffee brewing that I savor any extra sleeping time I can get. Since it's Friday I decided to catch a few more zzz's since I knew traffic would be lighter and I could catch a later bus.
* watching the Olympics with the husband and the Little Guy. I love sports but the husband is usually reserved to just watching our favorite home teams play. So the fact that I can get him to watch skiing, snowboarding, international hockey and even ice dancing is quite the accomplishment. And we have an American to root for in a majority of the events so he feels like he IS watching a home team.
* a diet cola in a cup with ice. I love a fountain cola and we have a fountain at work. However, we recently (to be more green) switched to recycled plastic cups from Styrofoam. The cola just doesn't taste the same. So now, I buy a bottle and put ice in a cup (or a reusable mug) and savor it that way. I love my diet cola.
Happiness is...
* my snow boots that I bought in September. I got them from the Bass Pro Shop in the little boys section. The Little Guy has the same pair, just a different size. I figured it was pretty pointless to buy them but they were only $40 so I figured if I even got to wear them once, I'd be happy. They have turned out to be the best winter clothing purchase I have ever made. With all the snow we have gotten this winter they have kept my feet warm and dry (a first for me in the winter) on so many days. I can even play in the snow in them because they are so high and water proof.
* sleeping in 10 minutes this morning. It might not seem like much to some, but I have such a hectic morning schedule (especially when we have the Little Guy to get to daycare) with trying to catch my bus and be a good wife and make a lunch and get coffee brewing that I savor any extra sleeping time I can get. Since it's Friday I decided to catch a few more zzz's since I knew traffic would be lighter and I could catch a later bus.
* watching the Olympics with the husband and the Little Guy. I love sports but the husband is usually reserved to just watching our favorite home teams play. So the fact that I can get him to watch skiing, snowboarding, international hockey and even ice dancing is quite the accomplishment. And we have an American to root for in a majority of the events so he feels like he IS watching a home team.
* a diet cola in a cup with ice. I love a fountain cola and we have a fountain at work. However, we recently (to be more green) switched to recycled plastic cups from Styrofoam. The cola just doesn't taste the same. So now, I buy a bottle and put ice in a cup (or a reusable mug) and savor it that way. I love my diet cola.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
28 Days
Thank you to all my regular readers and those that stopped by to comment for ICLW for the kind and supportive responses to my last post. It might not seem like it, but having all of you out there really does help. Even when you say things like "nothing I say will make it better", it makes it a little better. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my suffering. I'm not alone in all these feelings that I have. It also reminds me how the people IRL have no idea what we go through and how we hide it. That's a sad truth that I still don't understand. I don't understand why I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about my "condition". There are millions of women that suffer like this right along with me. I have seen the cover of People magazine this week with Celine opening up about her IVF troubles. I have debated about whether or not I want to buy it. I like her as she has always come across as a very nice person. She finally had a son by IVF but I didn't know she has been still trying. I don't think she was ever secretive about her struggles with IF. I remember reading and hearing about it years ago. I think I may pick it up later today and see what she has to say.
So AF actually showed up in force this morning, cramps and all. I had the slightest bit of spotting yesterday. I told BJ that if this were a few years ago when I was younger and dumber that I would have totally wasted money POAS. But being older and wiser, I now know better than to do that. I'm super tired, which is normal and the 3 motrin I took have diminished my cramps. The positive that I'm going to bring out of this is that I had a 28 day cycle. Not my normal 26 day cycle but given my history of crazy cycles since my IVF, I'm going to take this as a good sign. And by starting pretty much on time, this won't interfere with my annual exam next week AND if everything holds steady, I'll be fertile on the weekend. Although it will be a weekend that we have the Little Guy, it's still the weekend which in and of itself makes it easier to get freaky.
I almost started crying watching American Idol last night. There's a contestant on there that missed the birth of his first child, a daughter, due to his desire to be on the show. It was emotional for him during try outs and they are following his story closely. I almost cried because I want a child to do things for. I want a child to strive to make a good life for. It was silly to get all worked up over it, but my PMS hormones were in full swing. It passed quickly, thank goodness, but it still stung.
And speaking of almost crying while watching TV...I can't believe that the Russian defense didn't show up for yesterday's game against Canada. My Ovie against their Crosby and unfortunately, Crosby's team came out on top. I so wanted the Russians to advance to the semis. I have nothing against Canada...I have actually pulled for their athletes in many of the events...just not hockey. Because I.can't.stand.Crosby. He's one of those players that just rubs me the wrong way. I don't deny his talent...I just wish I could body check him and put him in his place. There are other Russian players that I like besides Ovie...my long lost Gonchar and Federov...and yes, even Malkin. I wish he were on our team. I'll move on because I could talk hockey all day...
Here's to hoping for a short and non-torturous visit from AF this cycle. And here's to making a decision about what to do at my annual exam next week...ask for Clomid or stay mum? I just don't want to give myself false hope any more than I already do and that's what the Clomid will do for me. That and it might make me a loony bird for a few days as it sometimes can. Whatever I decide, I will do it with conviction and determination.
So AF actually showed up in force this morning, cramps and all. I had the slightest bit of spotting yesterday. I told BJ that if this were a few years ago when I was younger and dumber that I would have totally wasted money POAS. But being older and wiser, I now know better than to do that. I'm super tired, which is normal and the 3 motrin I took have diminished my cramps. The positive that I'm going to bring out of this is that I had a 28 day cycle. Not my normal 26 day cycle but given my history of crazy cycles since my IVF, I'm going to take this as a good sign. And by starting pretty much on time, this won't interfere with my annual exam next week AND if everything holds steady, I'll be fertile on the weekend. Although it will be a weekend that we have the Little Guy, it's still the weekend which in and of itself makes it easier to get freaky.
I almost started crying watching American Idol last night. There's a contestant on there that missed the birth of his first child, a daughter, due to his desire to be on the show. It was emotional for him during try outs and they are following his story closely. I almost cried because I want a child to do things for. I want a child to strive to make a good life for. It was silly to get all worked up over it, but my PMS hormones were in full swing. It passed quickly, thank goodness, but it still stung.
And speaking of almost crying while watching TV...I can't believe that the Russian defense didn't show up for yesterday's game against Canada. My Ovie against their Crosby and unfortunately, Crosby's team came out on top. I so wanted the Russians to advance to the semis. I have nothing against Canada...I have actually pulled for their athletes in many of the events...just not hockey. Because I.can't.stand.Crosby. He's one of those players that just rubs me the wrong way. I don't deny his talent...I just wish I could body check him and put him in his place. There are other Russian players that I like besides Ovie...my long lost Gonchar and Federov...and yes, even Malkin. I wish he were on our team. I'll move on because I could talk hockey all day...
Here's to hoping for a short and non-torturous visit from AF this cycle. And here's to making a decision about what to do at my annual exam next week...ask for Clomid or stay mum? I just don't want to give myself false hope any more than I already do and that's what the Clomid will do for me. That and it might make me a loony bird for a few days as it sometimes can. Whatever I decide, I will do it with conviction and determination.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Feeling Bland
I'm not exactly sure why (ok, that's a lie) but I'm feeling a bit bland today. I'm pretty sure the period will be starting by tonight or tomorrow. I'm fairly confident that upon inspection of the TP today I saw some definite discoloration. This has really brought my mood down today. That, and I think my progesterone is falling which always makes me blue anyway. My temp was still at a post O level this morning but I'm sure it won't be tomorrow morning.
This sucks. And when I say "this" I mean infertility, sadness, depression, having no baby, working so hard and still having an empty uterus, feeling helpless and useless and beaten, feeling like a failure, feeling like I have nothing to offer the world, my husband or my parents, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the envy the grief. All of that and more just SUCKS.
I just want to cry. And I want the crying to make me feel better. But you know what? It doesn't. Not in this case. The crying doesn't do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. The crying doesn't give me the feeling of "letting it all out" anymore. I used to cry and get it out of my system and then move on to the next cycle feeling ready to fight and determined to succeed. But now, I just feel defeated. I don't have that many cycles left to move on to. And let's be realistic, the chances are basically zilch that we will succeed on our own. Unfortunately, no matter how much I cry to God, that fact is not going to change.
I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to stop paying attention to my fertility signs. Sure, I can stop temping and charting. But that won't stop me from noticing the changes in my CM and the hormonal surge that happens to me at O time. And that won't stop me from marking on the calendar when AF is supposed to arrive because I like to be prepared and make plans and I need to know when I'll be ragging in order to make said plans and be oh so prepared for her. I don't want to give up. I don't plan to give up right now. But there will come a time when enough will be enough. My husband is almost there. My time is running out. Heck, according to my poor response and the failure of my embies to implant, my time is already up.
I'm going in for my annual exam next week. The doctor I consulted with in October never called me back so I was going to ask my regular doctor for some Clomid. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to do that. I might just ask her for some advice on birth control. I just don't know what to do. I don't know the answer. I don't know my path. I guess I'm not listening hard enough to what God is trying to tell me or where he is trying to lead me. I feel lost and confused and I don't have a GPS to help me find my way. I'm dreading going in to see my doctor. The last time I saw her I was getting ready for my first IUI. I know she'll ask me about babies and birth control and I don't know how I'll respond to her. She's very quick and efficient so it's not like I have a lot of time to sit and chat with her.
I didn't intend for this post to be such a downer but once I started on this path it just sort of flowed out. That's why I'm glad I have this blog. It lets me express myself in ways I can't IRL. Most people that I know don't want to know how sad I am on the inside. They want to believe that I am living happily with no need or want of a baby. They are so very wrong...but I am obviously a very good actress because nothing could be further from the truth.
This sucks. And when I say "this" I mean infertility, sadness, depression, having no baby, working so hard and still having an empty uterus, feeling helpless and useless and beaten, feeling like a failure, feeling like I have nothing to offer the world, my husband or my parents, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the envy the grief. All of that and more just SUCKS.
I just want to cry. And I want the crying to make me feel better. But you know what? It doesn't. Not in this case. The crying doesn't do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. The crying doesn't give me the feeling of "letting it all out" anymore. I used to cry and get it out of my system and then move on to the next cycle feeling ready to fight and determined to succeed. But now, I just feel defeated. I don't have that many cycles left to move on to. And let's be realistic, the chances are basically zilch that we will succeed on our own. Unfortunately, no matter how much I cry to God, that fact is not going to change.
I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to stop paying attention to my fertility signs. Sure, I can stop temping and charting. But that won't stop me from noticing the changes in my CM and the hormonal surge that happens to me at O time. And that won't stop me from marking on the calendar when AF is supposed to arrive because I like to be prepared and make plans and I need to know when I'll be ragging in order to make said plans and be oh so prepared for her. I don't want to give up. I don't plan to give up right now. But there will come a time when enough will be enough. My husband is almost there. My time is running out. Heck, according to my poor response and the failure of my embies to implant, my time is already up.
I'm going in for my annual exam next week. The doctor I consulted with in October never called me back so I was going to ask my regular doctor for some Clomid. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to do that. I might just ask her for some advice on birth control. I just don't know what to do. I don't know the answer. I don't know my path. I guess I'm not listening hard enough to what God is trying to tell me or where he is trying to lead me. I feel lost and confused and I don't have a GPS to help me find my way. I'm dreading going in to see my doctor. The last time I saw her I was getting ready for my first IUI. I know she'll ask me about babies and birth control and I don't know how I'll respond to her. She's very quick and efficient so it's not like I have a lot of time to sit and chat with her.
I didn't intend for this post to be such a downer but once I started on this path it just sort of flowed out. That's why I'm glad I have this blog. It lets me express myself in ways I can't IRL. Most people that I know don't want to know how sad I am on the inside. They want to believe that I am living happily with no need or want of a baby. They are so very wrong...but I am obviously a very good actress because nothing could be further from the truth.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Welcome ICLW'ers!
Man, oh man...this week comes up quickly every month, doesn't it? I love ICLW! It's a chance for people in similar situations to find support and advice and just plain good understanding all the way around. You can learn a little about me on my side bar and from reading these posts here, here and here. It's been a long, bumpy road but basically I am still baby-less. And it sucks. I go through bouts of depression. It usually happens just before my period starts when my hormones are going wacky anyway, but of course it's not limited to just those times. I have a family history of depression. It helps to come here and get it all out so I highly recommend that anyone that is just a reader considers starting a blog. This world is amazingly full of supportive, smart, wise and just plain REAL women. And I love that.
I'm going to list some things about myself that some people may not know:
1 - I'm a Taurus. I have the temper and stubbornness to prove it. I have always loved being a Bull in the Zodiac symbols. I think my strength and determination comes from my bull-headed-ness.
2 - I'm a die hard hockey and football fan. I have always enjoyed sports but these 2 are by far my favorite. Hockey players are real men. They get gashed above the eye, go in for stitches and come right back and play their hearts out. I love a good save by a goalie. As much as I may dislike a team, I usually admire the hell out of their goalie. Football is great, too. I love a great pass by a quarterback as he's being tackled...and most of the time they just jump right back up and keep going. These athletes are amazing to me. And I have seen the hit Jagr took from Ovie yesterday about 10 times...I can't get enough of it!
3 - My favorite color is purple. I have a few purple shirts and 2 pairs of purple pants. As much as I love the color, nothing in my house is purple. I always choose the purple/lavender playing piece in a board game and I pick out the lavender Easter M & M's first to eat. And I just noticed that I have a lavender box of tissues on my desk.
4 - I went to 13 schools in my 12 years of schooling. I think it has helped me to become a well adjusted (chameleon) person. I can usually fit in to any situation or if I feel like I'm not fitting in, I can sit on the sidelines without anyone noticing me.
5 - I love scrapbooking. I took up this hobby in October of 2008. I love sitting and working on a lay out and sorting through pictures and organizing stickers and looking at my pretty paper. It's quiet and relaxing. My only problem is that I was supposed to have a baby by now to scrap about. That weighs on me quite a bit. Especially since the room I'm using as my scrapping room was supposed to be the nursery.
6 - I have healthy teeth. This might seem trivial to some, but for me it's something to be proud of. My mother and my oldest brother have bad teeth. My grandmother had bad teeth and my dad has had his share of teeth problems. Being out and about I see other people's teeth and some of them make me cringe. Mine aren't perfectly straight or perfectly white, but they are healthy and I have no fillings. A funny side note, I actually wasn't sure that I could pursue a relationship with my husband when I first met him because he had a bad tooth. The thought of kissing someone with a cavity like that grossed me out. I know I'm strange, but teeth are important to me. And I fully support any health care bill that will cover dental care for this country. I don't think any child or adult should be turned away from the dentist. I consider dental care a must. I actually read a story about a boy that died because he had a bad tooth that allowed bacteria into his blood stream. I was horrified. His parents couldn't afford to get the tooth fixed. How does this happen in this country? Oh, and my husband's tooth was fixed before our wedding. :-)
7 - I'm on CD26 today. AF should be showing up tomorrow. I had a 26 day cycle last cycle and that was my norm before my failed IVF. My temperature hasn't fallen low enough yet for me to think that my progesterone has dropped. However, I never had a big gap between pre and post O so I can't say for sure. I'm 14dpo today as well. We didn't time things great, but there's always that chance. I haven't seen any spotting yet, either....not one faded drop. I'm not nearly as grouchy as usual, but I'm still pretty quick to get annoyed. I'm not feeling as gassy (TMI, I know) as I usually am before she shows either. Nor do I feel as weepy. I hate that I'm starting to wonder if we got the job done. I know better than to travel down that road, but of course, hope likes to screw with me. The boobies are a little tender and that is something that comes and goes each cycle so I can't put any faith in them, either. I will not spend money on a HPT unless she doesn't show by Thursday. I don't keep them in the house. Too much temptation that always leads to tears. Plus, those suckers are expensive.
So that's all for now. I'd like to welcome any and all readers and hope that you have found this online venue of support to be as fabulous as I have!
I'm going to list some things about myself that some people may not know:
1 - I'm a Taurus. I have the temper and stubbornness to prove it. I have always loved being a Bull in the Zodiac symbols. I think my strength and determination comes from my bull-headed-ness.
2 - I'm a die hard hockey and football fan. I have always enjoyed sports but these 2 are by far my favorite. Hockey players are real men. They get gashed above the eye, go in for stitches and come right back and play their hearts out. I love a good save by a goalie. As much as I may dislike a team, I usually admire the hell out of their goalie. Football is great, too. I love a great pass by a quarterback as he's being tackled...and most of the time they just jump right back up and keep going. These athletes are amazing to me. And I have seen the hit Jagr took from Ovie yesterday about 10 times...I can't get enough of it!
3 - My favorite color is purple. I have a few purple shirts and 2 pairs of purple pants. As much as I love the color, nothing in my house is purple. I always choose the purple/lavender playing piece in a board game and I pick out the lavender Easter M & M's first to eat. And I just noticed that I have a lavender box of tissues on my desk.
4 - I went to 13 schools in my 12 years of schooling. I think it has helped me to become a well adjusted (chameleon) person. I can usually fit in to any situation or if I feel like I'm not fitting in, I can sit on the sidelines without anyone noticing me.
5 - I love scrapbooking. I took up this hobby in October of 2008. I love sitting and working on a lay out and sorting through pictures and organizing stickers and looking at my pretty paper. It's quiet and relaxing. My only problem is that I was supposed to have a baby by now to scrap about. That weighs on me quite a bit. Especially since the room I'm using as my scrapping room was supposed to be the nursery.
6 - I have healthy teeth. This might seem trivial to some, but for me it's something to be proud of. My mother and my oldest brother have bad teeth. My grandmother had bad teeth and my dad has had his share of teeth problems. Being out and about I see other people's teeth and some of them make me cringe. Mine aren't perfectly straight or perfectly white, but they are healthy and I have no fillings. A funny side note, I actually wasn't sure that I could pursue a relationship with my husband when I first met him because he had a bad tooth. The thought of kissing someone with a cavity like that grossed me out. I know I'm strange, but teeth are important to me. And I fully support any health care bill that will cover dental care for this country. I don't think any child or adult should be turned away from the dentist. I consider dental care a must. I actually read a story about a boy that died because he had a bad tooth that allowed bacteria into his blood stream. I was horrified. His parents couldn't afford to get the tooth fixed. How does this happen in this country? Oh, and my husband's tooth was fixed before our wedding. :-)
7 - I'm on CD26 today. AF should be showing up tomorrow. I had a 26 day cycle last cycle and that was my norm before my failed IVF. My temperature hasn't fallen low enough yet for me to think that my progesterone has dropped. However, I never had a big gap between pre and post O so I can't say for sure. I'm 14dpo today as well. We didn't time things great, but there's always that chance. I haven't seen any spotting yet, either....not one faded drop. I'm not nearly as grouchy as usual, but I'm still pretty quick to get annoyed. I'm not feeling as gassy (TMI, I know) as I usually am before she shows either. Nor do I feel as weepy. I hate that I'm starting to wonder if we got the job done. I know better than to travel down that road, but of course, hope likes to screw with me. The boobies are a little tender and that is something that comes and goes each cycle so I can't put any faith in them, either. I will not spend money on a HPT unless she doesn't show by Thursday. I don't keep them in the house. Too much temptation that always leads to tears. Plus, those suckers are expensive.
So that's all for now. I'd like to welcome any and all readers and hope that you have found this online venue of support to be as fabulous as I have!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
As Promised, A Lengthy Update
I'll try to condense this as much as I can, but as you know I like to blabber so if you click away before you get to the end, my feelings won't be the least hurt. :-)
The snow - we got so much snow that I was off of work for 4 DAYS. I took 2/5 off because I didn't know when everything was going to start and the last thing I wanted to be was one of those people you see on the news stuck in 18 miles of traffic and about to pull their hair out. The Federal Government shut down for 4 days and our office follows their schedule when it comes to weather closings. Then it snowed...and snowed...and snowed. We got about 2 feet. BJ and I took turns shoveling since we only had the one shovel. We started Friday night at 10:00pm. We went back out at 10:00am Saturday and then again at 1:00pm. Each time we shoveled about 5-7 inches off the driveway. Our neighbors came outside and were sort of making fun of us because it was still snowing and we were shoveling and wasting our time. HA! They even let us use an old beat up snow shovel because they were just staying all warm and cozy inside while we worked. I went out Sunday morning at 9:00 and finished the last few inches on our driveway. The sun was out and it was melting the last of the slushy ice...we had a black driveway! I was so happy with myself. The neighbors came out and we let them use our shovel since we were DONE. I was inside by 11:30 chilling on the couch and ready to watch a fabulous hockey game. Then of course it snowed like a maniac again on Wednesday...another 8 or so inches to get rid of. BUT...I was able to get out and get another shovel on Tuesday before it started snowing again. I was out there again shoveling on Thursday. Poor BJ had to work which meant poor me had to do snow removal by myself. He can just drive over that stuff but I can't and won't if I don't have to. Plus, I can't be getting my clothes and shoes messed up in the deep snow, not to mention the Little Guy and I don't want to slip on the ice going in and out of the house. So shovel I did.
Getting Sick - Superbowl Sunday we went to the neighbors (since we couldn't drive anywhere else) to watch the game. I started feeling a sore throat...the same kind BJ had the previous week. It was full blown Monday morning. I'm so congested and tired and just plain BLAH. I'm much better now, but I'm still very congested and my voice is still sounding clogged. So I was out there shoveling in the blizzard which didn't help, but it had to get done, you know?
TTC - My body, as you know, is struggling to get back to some sort of normalcy. I had anticipated ovulating on Sunday and doing the deed on Saturday. I even convinced BJ to hold off until Saturday because I was sure that I'd get the positive opk. Have I ever told you how frustrating my body is? I didn't get the positive that I was after in the morning or the afternoon on Saturday. In fact, the line was so light that I thought I wouldn't get a positive until Monday. And that, ladies and gentlemen, would be a "normal" cycle. BJ and I couldn't help ourselves Saturday night...there's something romantic about being dead tired from shoveling snow and cooped up in the house with nothing else to do. And of COURSE I got my positive Sunday afternoon. DRATS. With more shoveling and feeling sick and hanging with the neighbors to watch the Big Game Sunday night and rushing the Little Guy to bed at just after 10:00, we didn't do anything. Bummer. I definitely O'd on Monday which was CD12 and I am happy about that as it's much closer to a regular cycle than I have had in a while. AF is due to show up Tuesday. I had some ovarian cramping/pinching on Sunday leading me to believe that I have a cyst. I also had some similar feelings yesterday on my right ovary. Well, not really my ovary, it was just left (if I'm looking down) of my right ovary. Not sure what that might mean. I'm hoping that it's not a sign of more cysts...like I'm developing more than just one each month. Man, these are times when I really miss being wanded. And who would have thought THAT was possible? I'm actually starting to feel like AF is coming. I'm hoping that she stays away and that we got lucky with a Blizzard Baby but I'm not getting my hopes up too high.
House - BJ and I went looking for curtains Saturday. We returned a pair and headed to JC Penney. We looked around for about 10 minutes and found a pair almost exactly like the original pair that was too short. The don't carry the longer length in stock so they have to be ordered. No biggie. Yeah, right. There was one lady behind the counter and she was busy helping a 96-year old woman pick out a mattress pad from the catalog. The lady had 35 questions. We waited in line for about 15 to 20 minutes. I told BJ that I would come back Monday by myself to order them. We headed to Lowes to get some other things we need/want for the house. We picked out some nice bathroom lights, picked up a bunch of energy saver light bulbs and bought a ceiling fan for our bedroom. I'm so delighted. BJ put the fan up the other day and I really like it. We still can't seem to find one we like for the living room, though. And we still need hardware for the kitchen cabinets. We were done spending money Saturday so that will have to wait another week or two. I went back to JC Penney Monday to order my curtains. I stood in line for another 20 minutes with one person in front of me. UGH. I finally get up there and tell her exactly what I want and get all the info in the computer only to be told...wait for it...they are on BACK ORDER...until MAY 28! Can you believe that? I ordered them anyway because they were on sale and I NEED these curtains...I WANT these curtains...THESE curtains are going to be the death of me. Well, I may have exaggerated that point, but I think you might understand what I mean. Now my mission is to find a new comforter set for our bedroom. The one we have is 3 1/2 years old and very neutral and very bland. I need to dress my bed up a little and now is time to do that. I mentioned before how picky I have realized I am and this is no exception. I will write more about this and our other house issues later...you've suffered enough.
Valentine's Day - BJ and I have never been big on this day. It's a nice day but it also marks the anniversary of his father's death. However, he never fails to get me a small token of something. We didn't make it to the dance we wanted to go to, but in the morning he pulled out 2 envelopes from our kitchen drawer. I gave him the 2 mini-albums that I had made him with family/couple pictures. He really liked his albums and said that it was better than me buying him a card. The cards he gave me were very sweet. One was a bit mushy and let me know how much he needs me in his life. I need to know that sometimes because he is so self-sufficient that I sometimes wonder if he'd really be inconvenienced in any way with my absence or with a stand-in wife. :-) The other card was humorous look at our relationship. And it fit us perfectly. It stated many things that he can "sometimes" be...stubborn, lazy, grumpy, thinks he's the boss etc...and then the thing that he "always" is is in love with me. It made my heart swell. Not just because it was sweet, but because he obviously recognized himself in that card and it gave him an appreciation for what I put up with from him. :-) We chilled together all day and it was very nice to be with him.
That's about all for now...my hands are tired of typing and I'm sure your eyes are hurting from reading. It's nice to be back to a routine but of course now I have over 100 posts to read from all of you. I'm looking forward to it, though...I've missed you!
The snow - we got so much snow that I was off of work for 4 DAYS. I took 2/5 off because I didn't know when everything was going to start and the last thing I wanted to be was one of those people you see on the news stuck in 18 miles of traffic and about to pull their hair out. The Federal Government shut down for 4 days and our office follows their schedule when it comes to weather closings. Then it snowed...and snowed...and snowed. We got about 2 feet. BJ and I took turns shoveling since we only had the one shovel. We started Friday night at 10:00pm. We went back out at 10:00am Saturday and then again at 1:00pm. Each time we shoveled about 5-7 inches off the driveway. Our neighbors came outside and were sort of making fun of us because it was still snowing and we were shoveling and wasting our time. HA! They even let us use an old beat up snow shovel because they were just staying all warm and cozy inside while we worked. I went out Sunday morning at 9:00 and finished the last few inches on our driveway. The sun was out and it was melting the last of the slushy ice...we had a black driveway! I was so happy with myself. The neighbors came out and we let them use our shovel since we were DONE. I was inside by 11:30 chilling on the couch and ready to watch a fabulous hockey game. Then of course it snowed like a maniac again on Wednesday...another 8 or so inches to get rid of. BUT...I was able to get out and get another shovel on Tuesday before it started snowing again. I was out there again shoveling on Thursday. Poor BJ had to work which meant poor me had to do snow removal by myself. He can just drive over that stuff but I can't and won't if I don't have to. Plus, I can't be getting my clothes and shoes messed up in the deep snow, not to mention the Little Guy and I don't want to slip on the ice going in and out of the house. So shovel I did.
Getting Sick - Superbowl Sunday we went to the neighbors (since we couldn't drive anywhere else) to watch the game. I started feeling a sore throat...the same kind BJ had the previous week. It was full blown Monday morning. I'm so congested and tired and just plain BLAH. I'm much better now, but I'm still very congested and my voice is still sounding clogged. So I was out there shoveling in the blizzard which didn't help, but it had to get done, you know?
TTC - My body, as you know, is struggling to get back to some sort of normalcy. I had anticipated ovulating on Sunday and doing the deed on Saturday. I even convinced BJ to hold off until Saturday because I was sure that I'd get the positive opk. Have I ever told you how frustrating my body is? I didn't get the positive that I was after in the morning or the afternoon on Saturday. In fact, the line was so light that I thought I wouldn't get a positive until Monday. And that, ladies and gentlemen, would be a "normal" cycle. BJ and I couldn't help ourselves Saturday night...there's something romantic about being dead tired from shoveling snow and cooped up in the house with nothing else to do. And of COURSE I got my positive Sunday afternoon. DRATS. With more shoveling and feeling sick and hanging with the neighbors to watch the Big Game Sunday night and rushing the Little Guy to bed at just after 10:00, we didn't do anything. Bummer. I definitely O'd on Monday which was CD12 and I am happy about that as it's much closer to a regular cycle than I have had in a while. AF is due to show up Tuesday. I had some ovarian cramping/pinching on Sunday leading me to believe that I have a cyst. I also had some similar feelings yesterday on my right ovary. Well, not really my ovary, it was just left (if I'm looking down) of my right ovary. Not sure what that might mean. I'm hoping that it's not a sign of more cysts...like I'm developing more than just one each month. Man, these are times when I really miss being wanded. And who would have thought THAT was possible? I'm actually starting to feel like AF is coming. I'm hoping that she stays away and that we got lucky with a Blizzard Baby but I'm not getting my hopes up too high.
House - BJ and I went looking for curtains Saturday. We returned a pair and headed to JC Penney. We looked around for about 10 minutes and found a pair almost exactly like the original pair that was too short. The don't carry the longer length in stock so they have to be ordered. No biggie. Yeah, right. There was one lady behind the counter and she was busy helping a 96-year old woman pick out a mattress pad from the catalog. The lady had 35 questions. We waited in line for about 15 to 20 minutes. I told BJ that I would come back Monday by myself to order them. We headed to Lowes to get some other things we need/want for the house. We picked out some nice bathroom lights, picked up a bunch of energy saver light bulbs and bought a ceiling fan for our bedroom. I'm so delighted. BJ put the fan up the other day and I really like it. We still can't seem to find one we like for the living room, though. And we still need hardware for the kitchen cabinets. We were done spending money Saturday so that will have to wait another week or two. I went back to JC Penney Monday to order my curtains. I stood in line for another 20 minutes with one person in front of me. UGH. I finally get up there and tell her exactly what I want and get all the info in the computer only to be told...wait for it...they are on BACK ORDER...until MAY 28! Can you believe that? I ordered them anyway because they were on sale and I NEED these curtains...I WANT these curtains...THESE curtains are going to be the death of me. Well, I may have exaggerated that point, but I think you might understand what I mean. Now my mission is to find a new comforter set for our bedroom. The one we have is 3 1/2 years old and very neutral and very bland. I need to dress my bed up a little and now is time to do that. I mentioned before how picky I have realized I am and this is no exception. I will write more about this and our other house issues later...you've suffered enough.
Valentine's Day - BJ and I have never been big on this day. It's a nice day but it also marks the anniversary of his father's death. However, he never fails to get me a small token of something. We didn't make it to the dance we wanted to go to, but in the morning he pulled out 2 envelopes from our kitchen drawer. I gave him the 2 mini-albums that I had made him with family/couple pictures. He really liked his albums and said that it was better than me buying him a card. The cards he gave me were very sweet. One was a bit mushy and let me know how much he needs me in his life. I need to know that sometimes because he is so self-sufficient that I sometimes wonder if he'd really be inconvenienced in any way with my absence or with a stand-in wife. :-) The other card was humorous look at our relationship. And it fit us perfectly. It stated many things that he can "sometimes" be...stubborn, lazy, grumpy, thinks he's the boss etc...and then the thing that he "always" is is in love with me. It made my heart swell. Not just because it was sweet, but because he obviously recognized himself in that card and it gave him an appreciation for what I put up with from him. :-) We chilled together all day and it was very nice to be with him.
That's about all for now...my hands are tired of typing and I'm sure your eyes are hurting from reading. It's nice to be back to a routine but of course now I have over 100 posts to read from all of you. I'm looking forward to it, though...I've missed you!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm Still Here, I'm Just a Slacker
I'm so behind on everything...reading, commenting, posting...all of it. I just wanted to drop a line to let everyone know (because I know you are waiting with baited breath) that I'm ok and still here. I've been snowed in and sick and sick of being snowed in. I have a hard time typing on my laptop at home because I much prefer my ergonomic keyboard at work, so while I was home I didn't post a thing. My first day back at work was Friday and I was way too busy to even think about posting anything. So now things are getting back to normal (or something like that) so I will be updating everyone with a very lengthy (as you know I'm long winded) update on what's been happening around here. I'm also going to figure out if I can split my blog by adding a tab or something to separate the TTC stuff from the everyday chatting (complaining) that I am wont to do. :-)
I'll be back (read that with an Arnold accent and it's much funnier) with an update soon! Thanks for sticking with me!
I'll be back (read that with an Arnold accent and it's much funnier) with an update soon! Thanks for sticking with me!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
CD8 - Getting Close
My body is telling me that ovulation is near. I will be POAS of the opk kind in a little while to see if it will be happening tomorrow. I noticed the watery cm this morning and my hormones, while not raging, are waking up for sure. Of course this would all happen when we have the Little Guy starting tonight through the weekend. It's always more difficult to get the job done when he's here. I know that sounds crazy because people have been doing the deed for centuries with kids in the house. The way things normally work at our house is that BJ and I flirt and tease each other usually starting in the kitchen while making dinner. Those things lead to other things while we're watching TV and then things usually end up happening, you know? When the Little Guy is at our house, those opportunities don't really present themselves as well. We are too afraid of getting caught. We put him to bed at 9:00 on school nights so it's still a little early and we just end up with a quickie when we go to bed at 10:00ish. On the weekend, his bed time is 9:30 which means that we are very worried about being heard in our room so things don't usually happen. When he's not at our house we do what we want and then just go back to watching TV and chilling on the couch. Can't do that with the Little Guy there.
I know it sounds like I'm complaining about him being there. I'm not. I'm complaining about yet another obstacle in the baby making adventure. I LOVE having him with us and I wish he lived with us all the time. That might actually be easier in some ways. We'd have a routine and could plan better. He's a great kid and I wish he were mine. I also wish that he went to bed at 8:00 when I'm ovulating. :-) That way, there's more time for him to fall asleep and be oblivious to what we are doing and we wouldn't have to wait until so late to do our thing which sometimes doesn't happen because we are too tired by then. Maybe ovulation will hold off another day and we can send him out to play in the snow while we have a romp. I know, sounds raunchy doesn't it?
We are supposed to get 16 to 24 inches of snow beginning tomorrow mid-day through Saturday night. I won't bore you with how much I'm dreading it. I grocery shopped last night so we are set for food and stuff. Basketball will be canceled again as will the make up game from last weekend. For an indoor sport we sure are getting snowed out a lot. One good thing is that we won't have the make up game on Sunday so I'll be able to watch my hockey game Sunday afternoon! Yay!
Our new neighbors moved in Tuesday. The chatty and nosey couple have arrived. I'm sure we will get the chance to hang out this weekend in the snow. I'm actually kind of glad because the Little Guy will have 2 kids to play with in the snow. BJ is supposed to get a sled today so he can pull them around on the 4-wheeler. Should be fun and a great opportunity to take some pictures.
I hope that everyone that is affected by the snow storm has enough food and supplies and that no one loses power. It's pretty when it falls and it's fun to play in, but it's scary to think about the folks that lose power at home and have no way of getting anywhere. Be safe out there everyone.
Update - the opk is negative but there is a slight 2nd line...think that means that O day will be Saturday. Will have to find a way to sneak in some BD'ing tomorrow night. AND there are no more snow shovels in our town. Great. We only have 1 and that makes for slow progress. Maybe the new neighbors have one we can borrow...hey, they borrowed jumper cables before they even moved in. I guess we really are neighbors now that we are borrowing things from each other. And you know what, it's not a terrible feeling. I might actually like having neighbors.
I know it sounds like I'm complaining about him being there. I'm not. I'm complaining about yet another obstacle in the baby making adventure. I LOVE having him with us and I wish he lived with us all the time. That might actually be easier in some ways. We'd have a routine and could plan better. He's a great kid and I wish he were mine. I also wish that he went to bed at 8:00 when I'm ovulating. :-) That way, there's more time for him to fall asleep and be oblivious to what we are doing and we wouldn't have to wait until so late to do our thing which sometimes doesn't happen because we are too tired by then. Maybe ovulation will hold off another day and we can send him out to play in the snow while we have a romp. I know, sounds raunchy doesn't it?
We are supposed to get 16 to 24 inches of snow beginning tomorrow mid-day through Saturday night. I won't bore you with how much I'm dreading it. I grocery shopped last night so we are set for food and stuff. Basketball will be canceled again as will the make up game from last weekend. For an indoor sport we sure are getting snowed out a lot. One good thing is that we won't have the make up game on Sunday so I'll be able to watch my hockey game Sunday afternoon! Yay!
Our new neighbors moved in Tuesday. The chatty and nosey couple have arrived. I'm sure we will get the chance to hang out this weekend in the snow. I'm actually kind of glad because the Little Guy will have 2 kids to play with in the snow. BJ is supposed to get a sled today so he can pull them around on the 4-wheeler. Should be fun and a great opportunity to take some pictures.
I hope that everyone that is affected by the snow storm has enough food and supplies and that no one loses power. It's pretty when it falls and it's fun to play in, but it's scary to think about the folks that lose power at home and have no way of getting anywhere. Be safe out there everyone.
Update - the opk is negative but there is a slight 2nd line...think that means that O day will be Saturday. Will have to find a way to sneak in some BD'ing tomorrow night. AND there are no more snow shovels in our town. Great. We only have 1 and that makes for slow progress. Maybe the new neighbors have one we can borrow...hey, they borrowed jumper cables before they even moved in. I guess we really are neighbors now that we are borrowing things from each other. And you know what, it's not a terrible feeling. I might actually like having neighbors.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I've Had Enough of Snow
Now that I'm an adult and I have to commute and shovel snow, I don't like it as much as I did when I was a kid. That should be no surprise to anyone. When I first moved to this area, we would have a few instances of snow each winter. The longer I live here these instances have been slowly decreasing. We usually get a dusting or maybe 2 inches and some sleet and freezing rain. Which is no fun either, by the way, but it's more of a "functioning" event.
As you know, I had lots of plans last weekend as far as shopping and returning things. The forecast kept changing every time I watched the news Friday evening and night. It snowed...a lot...again. Not as much as last time, thank goodness, but enough to ruin my plans.
On Saturday afternoon, I shoveled our driveway (about 4 inches) while BJ played on his 4-wheeler. He gives me heart attacks so I had to stop watching him. The snow was very light and fluffy so it was easy to shovel. We came in and not long after we did so we heard another 4-wheeler outside. One of our new neighbors (we haven't met them yet) had someone staying over that brought his ATV that had a plow on the front of it. He knocked and asked if we wanted him to plow our driveway but BJ told him that it didn't really need it right now.
Sunday morning the sun was shining and I was ready to go out and shovel another 4 inches of snow. BJ woke up very sick. He's still sick. Nasty head cold with chest congestion. I was on my own. We both have 4-wheel drive vehicles so the snow was not really a big deal to drive over. However, I don't like re-driving on packed snow because it turns to ice and 4-wheel drive is nothing when you're on ice. As I was shoveling Sunday morning I heard the distant roar of the other ATV and thought I had been saved. Not so much. The young man (punk as BJ called him) was just loading his plow up to leave. Didn't even bother to ask me if I wanted help. Little old me out there all by myself and he just ignores me. Oh well, today's youth, what can you say?
Now we are to get more snow/rain mix tonight into tomorrow morning. All during the commuting times. Can't wait. And the even better news? We are expecting another significant snow Friday into Saturday. I swear I'm not meant to get new curtains and hardware for my cabinets. :-) We already have a basketball game to make up and pictures to reschedule. We are looking at another snow storm this weekend. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for Spring.
On the TTC front, I'm hoping that BJ gets to feeling better soon so that we can get one BD in before I'm fertile. Otherwise the timing will be off and things won't happen the way I need them to. The period was very light again this cycle. I love that change in things. Still had some cramps and leg pains but other than that I hardly knew I was on my period. I have a feeling the doctor is not going to call me back after the message that I left last week. I have a regular ob/gyn appointment scheduled for the first week in March so I think I'll talk to my regular doctor about some Clomid. I don't like beating dead horses so I don't know if it's worth calling him again.
Oh, and my SIL is out of the hospital as of this morning. She's doing much better and we are hoping that she can heal the rest of the way at home. They had the mold inspectors come out today and they do have a bit of mold in their sunroom so that has to get taken care of. Although the hospital doesn't believe that is what caused or causes all the illnesses in the family. Either way, it's good to get it out of the house.
As you know, I had lots of plans last weekend as far as shopping and returning things. The forecast kept changing every time I watched the news Friday evening and night. It snowed...a lot...again. Not as much as last time, thank goodness, but enough to ruin my plans.
On Saturday afternoon, I shoveled our driveway (about 4 inches) while BJ played on his 4-wheeler. He gives me heart attacks so I had to stop watching him. The snow was very light and fluffy so it was easy to shovel. We came in and not long after we did so we heard another 4-wheeler outside. One of our new neighbors (we haven't met them yet) had someone staying over that brought his ATV that had a plow on the front of it. He knocked and asked if we wanted him to plow our driveway but BJ told him that it didn't really need it right now.
Sunday morning the sun was shining and I was ready to go out and shovel another 4 inches of snow. BJ woke up very sick. He's still sick. Nasty head cold with chest congestion. I was on my own. We both have 4-wheel drive vehicles so the snow was not really a big deal to drive over. However, I don't like re-driving on packed snow because it turns to ice and 4-wheel drive is nothing when you're on ice. As I was shoveling Sunday morning I heard the distant roar of the other ATV and thought I had been saved. Not so much. The young man (punk as BJ called him) was just loading his plow up to leave. Didn't even bother to ask me if I wanted help. Little old me out there all by myself and he just ignores me. Oh well, today's youth, what can you say?
Now we are to get more snow/rain mix tonight into tomorrow morning. All during the commuting times. Can't wait. And the even better news? We are expecting another significant snow Friday into Saturday. I swear I'm not meant to get new curtains and hardware for my cabinets. :-) We already have a basketball game to make up and pictures to reschedule. We are looking at another snow storm this weekend. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for Spring.
On the TTC front, I'm hoping that BJ gets to feeling better soon so that we can get one BD in before I'm fertile. Otherwise the timing will be off and things won't happen the way I need them to. The period was very light again this cycle. I love that change in things. Still had some cramps and leg pains but other than that I hardly knew I was on my period. I have a feeling the doctor is not going to call me back after the message that I left last week. I have a regular ob/gyn appointment scheduled for the first week in March so I think I'll talk to my regular doctor about some Clomid. I don't like beating dead horses so I don't know if it's worth calling him again.
Oh, and my SIL is out of the hospital as of this morning. She's doing much better and we are hoping that she can heal the rest of the way at home. They had the mold inspectors come out today and they do have a bit of mold in their sunroom so that has to get taken care of. Although the hospital doesn't believe that is what caused or causes all the illnesses in the family. Either way, it's good to get it out of the house.
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