CD1

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I don't have good news to report. All of the emotions running through my body right now are making it difficult to string a coherent post together but I will try.

I was having anxiety yesterday waiting for the spotting to start...or for full blown AF to show up with her arms flailing announcing her visit. It was to the point where I was really starting to believe that we might have gotten our miracle. But at the same time I was terrified and I don't really know where that emotion came from. As the day wore on I was sinking lower and lower. And I guess that's when I really knew that she was on her way.

On the bus ride home I was talking to BJ on the phone and told him that I started my sneezing habit back up. For some reason when I was sick over the last couple of weeks, I quit sneezing. Well, it started again yesterday. When I told him that, he asked me if had started anything else. I told him no. I told him that I thought it best (for me) to not stop and buy a test because I knew as soon as I did, it would show up. He agreed that we would just continue to wait.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom and wiped and stared at the TP for a good 30 seconds before I started crying. There was spotting. It was red. It was enough to know that I had failed again. I cried for a good 5 minutes straight. I haven't cried like that over IF since my IVF failed. It hit me hard this month. I guess because of the clomid and the good timing we had and the fact that my period was late and I hadn't spotted yet. All of that stuff fit nicely in the box known as Hope. I had even wrapped the box in a nice ribbon and let myself start thinking about a baby growing in me. It was foolish of me to be so blind and to expect that it could actually happen. I kept the news from BJ as long as I could. The Little Guy was out our house and I didn't want to give him reason to ask me questions and I certainly didn't want BJ to tell me to stop crying for fear of being found out. We went up to bed and I went to the bathroom again. There was enough of AF starting that I knew I'd need something over night. I came out of the bathroom in tears. BJ asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was disappointed, told me he was sorry and we laid in bed holding hands while I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not much better today. I'm in a bad place. I'm tired of all of it. The ups and downs, the temping and charting, the hopes and dreams, the disappointment and the heartache. It's getting to be too much. I'm starting to wonder if I really should just stop this quest and just live my life the way God apparently intended for me to. I'm sure He doesn't want me to be depressed. He doesn't want me to hate my body. He doesn't want me to question Him or His plan. He obviously just wants me to be a wife and step mother and call it a day. I mean, after 9 years you would think I would get the hint. I'm not a stupid person, I can learn a lesson. It has just taken a really long time for me to learn this one.

And I have to put on a happy face today as I am going to lunch with the other support staff in the office to celebrate Administrative Professionals Day (Wednesday). Our bosses are out of town so we are going to lunch together. I'm hoping it will be a good distraction and maybe even perk me up a bit. Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Especially ones like today where it's sunny and in the mid 70's. Maybe once I get outside and enjoy the sun my mood will rise. I hope so because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now so the only way I can go is up, right?

Happiness Is...

- my husband sending me a text yesterday saying that he had a surprise for me when I got to my truck. He has been known to leave nice cards in there for me but he never tells me about it. I was curious all day, especially since I knew he was no where near my vehicle when he sent the message. As I was walking up to my truck I knew immediately what he had done and was thrilled! He had my truck detailed for me. It looks brand new, inside and out. Everything is spotless and shampooed and just shiny. It was washed, waxed and buffed...wonderful! He usually washes my truck for me but with being in the rental house and then winter setting in, my truck looked pretty bad even though I had driven it through the car wash a few times. Now he won't have to work so hard to wash it. I'm going to return the favor by surprising him with a renewed subscription to XM radio...he misses his but doesn't want to pay for it. It's going to be his early anniversary present.

- the Little Guy playing against his 6-year-old cousin Monday night. The Little Guy hit the ball just in to the outfield and the ball was caught by none other than his cousin. Of course we wished he didn't catch it but were happy that he made such a good play. And the Little Guy got up again and got a hit! He ended up being stranded at 3rd so he has yet to score, but we were thrilled that he got on base!

- being on CD29 and still not having any spotting. I'm starting to get butterflies when I think of the possibility of where this could lead. And then I get emotional when I think of how I'm setting myself up for a fall. But for now, I'm going to enjoy not having my period.

- noticing all the new blades of grass that are growing in our yard. It was hydro-seeded 4/10 and we are noticing more and more new growth each day. We can't wait for a real lawn!

- talking to my mother on Monday...her birthday. At least I know she is alive and I'm happy about that.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again, already. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome any passers by to my blog. It's a little all over the place sometimes even though I try to keep myself organized. You can learn about my (long) journey on my sidebar but I'll give you a quick recap:

I'm 33 (almost 34) and I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step son that is almost 9. I call him the Little Guy. My husband is known on this blog as BJ and he's great. I've been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and with my first husband. There has never been a diagnosis of why I can't get pregnant. It's one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and at times I really feel done with all of it. BJ and I have undergone 3 fertility treatments. I had 2 IUI's (medicated and monitored) and an IVF. We have nothing to show for it except depleted funds and disappointment. We are out of money and out of options and almost out of time. BJ is almost 38 and he's about ready to throw in the towel. I don't blame him a bit, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know how not to try and hope and plan for a pregnancy every month. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, I'm on CD29 with no visible signs of my period yet. I'm a spotter and I'm not spotting. I didn't spot for a long time after my IVF but recently picked that habit back up. I'm a little bloated, a little gassy, a little testy, a little sensitive....nothing too out of the ordinary. I haven't been temping because I was wicked sick about 2 weeks ago and wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time so I decided to just skip it. I took 50mg of clomid this cycle (prescribed by my regular ob/gyn that I had to almost beg for) to give me a sense of being productive and I ovulated from what felt like both sides. I usually have a 26 day cycle. Things have been a bit wonky since my IVF...23 days, 28 days, 27 days, 26 days...you get the picture. I thought for sure that I was out this month as of this morning. I got off the bus (I commute via a commuter bus in to DC for my job) and immediately felt a wetness between my legs. I almost sat down on a bench and started crying. However, the amount of wetness prompted me to walk faster so that I could get to the bathroom at work. As I'm walking, my eyes are welling up with tears of sadness and frustration. I grab my feminine products and rush to the bathroom. I slowly pull down my pants and much to my surprise...it's not red. It's not even brown. It looked like just regular cm that I see before ovulation. So then I did my business and fully expected to wipe and see some sort of color. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So I live to see another day, or at least another trip to the bathroom before my hopes are dashed.

Last night while we were making dinner, BJ asked me..."so did you start bleeding yet?" And I told him no and that I haven't seen any sign of it, either. And then I followed up with the comment that of course now that I said it out loud I'd start, and he agreed with me. See, we both have such positive attitudes about all of this. :-)

That is where we stand right now. Oh, and for those of you that are new or just stopping by, I try to keep things positive around here by recognizing certain things every couple of days or so that bring me happiness. It's so easy to lose ourselves in grief and depression (that's me for sure) that it helps me to sit down and list a few things that make me happy. I call these posts my Happiness Is posts. There will be one a little later today as my husband did something very sweet for me yesterday!

Thanks for stopping by!

Getting Antsy

I'm here on CD28 and still no spotting. I had a sharp abdominal pain last night right before I fell asleep so I guessed that AF would be making her appearance by morning. Nope. I inspected the TP and still see no tinges of color...yet. I'm really wishing that I would stop getting my hopes up. Tomorrow would be a very normal day to just "start" with no spotting. And I thought I would be going back to my old ways when I had the spotting for the last 2 or 3 cycles.


I hate hope. I've been at this for over 9 years already and you would think that I would learn my lesson...not to hope. But I'm dumb, and unfortunately I can't seem to give up this very unhealthy relationship with hope. Do you know that I have even figured out how I'm going to announce a pregnancy on my blog? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I learn the lesson that my body has tried relentlessly to teach me? As if I haven't been hit over the head enough while suffering through IF, I STILL let myself hope. Why?


I was having a conversation with a co-worker that I have known for 10 years. We were discussing saving vacation days. I blurted out that over the last 2 years I have banked 10 days of vacation because "I had this plan to have a baby and that would allow me 2 more weeks to stay home but that is out the window now". Then she asked if she could pry and I nodded. She asked why my baby plan went out the window. And I said, "because I can't have kids". She then said "and you know this for sure now?" And I said "yes." Then I started to well up and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She gave me the pity look and I think she started to well up, too. I definitely don't want to be a pity case. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept my/our struggles to myself for all these years. Having a baby is the most natural, human thing a woman can do. Except I can't seem to do it. I have some very strong insecurities about myself and the fact that I can't do this just adds to them and makes me wonder why I was born a female?


I wondered growing up if my dad had wished I was a boy. He was very persuasive about me playing sports and learning to shoot and fish and to clean fish (I never did that...gross!) that were caught. My body did not develop the way all my friends' did. I am very small chested and have been teased all my life about that. I look like a boy (almost) if I'm not wearing my padded bra. Women should be 'womanly' and I don't feel that way most of the time. I grew up as a tomboy, with boy friends. I still have issues trying to fit in with other women. I'm more comfortable just being "one of the guys". I have some very girly tendencies....I style my hair, I wear make up (on the weekends), I like pedicures and purses (thanks for that phrase!). And I'm definitely all woman when it comes to recognizing a hot man. I just feel like my body should have been a boy. The only really distinguishing feature is my wide, child bearing hips. However, it doesn't seem like they will be bearing any children.


This post went down a road I hadn't intended. Some times the thoughts just come and I get on a roll. It was just supposed to be about how antsy I am getting for AF to show up. I hate that she teases like this. It's a harder slap each and every time she lets me get a glimmer of hope. But I guess I'm more to blame than she is, right? There's a saying...fool me once blah, blah, blah. She has definitely fooled me more than once so the majority of the shame lies with me, myself and I.

I won't test until Friday if there is still no spotting. I have to give myself guidelines and I have to stick to these guidelines, otherwise I will go insane. My head knows that there is an end coming to this cycle any minute but my heart refuses to let go of the hope. After all, what if?

Happiness Is...

- moving the SIL's hot tub from their sunroom to their back porch without any problems or injuries. BJ helped them yesterday along with a few friends and it went off without a hitch. I love it when things work out like that.

- being on CD27 with no spotting or tinges on the TP. I'm not getting carried away, but it really should be CD1 right now.

- my dad calling me just to say hi Saturday. I don't do it enough so it's nice when he calls me to remind me that life should never get too busy for those kinds of phone calls.

- the intermission sexy time on Thursday night. It's something else that went off without a hitch. And since it had been just over a week (8 days, but who's counting?) we didn't miss any of the game. **wink, wink**

- my hockey team coming back from being down 3 goals to winning the game in overtime! How sweet is that???

- the Little Guy hitting the ball on Saturday at his game. We won't mention how he thought he was out so he didn't bother running all the way to first base and then ended up getting tagged out....he HIT the ball when so many of his teammates never make contact!

- successfully replicating a fruit dip that I tasted about a month ago. Never would have thought of it but it tastes great when you dip strawberries (that I got on a super sale, too) into it. It's cool whip (I use the light kind) and blueberry yogurt. Mix about 3/4 of the yogurt in the cool whip and let it chill and then dip away. Yummy in the tummy!

Neighbors and More Neighbors

So I promised an update on my neighbors and now you are going to get it. :-) But first, an update on my cycle.


I'm on CD27 with no spotting yet. Not even a tinge on the TP. I'm not getting my hopes up (too much) because I've had cycles like this in the past. Not very many (with no spotting) but some. I've been squishing the boobs for a few days and they might be showing some signs of PMS, but not too much out of the ordinary. I'm a little bloated, but not too much. I'm a little cranky and a little short tempered, but again, not too much. So, I guess anything is possible at this juncture. I could be on my way to another normal type cycle or I guess there could be a miracle Clomid bean in there. I refuse to get my hopes up for fear of AF starting to gush any moment. I am 14dpo today. That is a nice leutal phase. I can't measure anything by my temps because I quit taking them over a week ago due to being sick and not sleeping much. I also refuse to test. And that refusal only lasts until Friday or I see some spotting. If I make it to Friday without spotting or starting, there will be a hpt bought for the first time in almost a year. On to the neighbors...


Quick recap for any new readers. We had a house built last fall and moved into said house in early December. We met 2 sets of neighbors while under construction. One set lives next to us (S & K) and the other set lives across from us, down a hill (S & M). S & K like to talk a lot, have 2 kids and are very nice. K (the wife) is a chatterbox but is pleasant. She will talk about anything with anyone...no matter how private. I know not to share too much with her. S & M are nice enough, haven't talked with them as much. M (the wife) doesn't want kids as she doesn't particularly see the point. Don't get me started. The day before Easter, we met the other couple and we will call them R and L. They are in their late 40's, have careers and make way too much money. L (the woman-they aren't married) has 3 grown children that live with her. We don't like the son. He drives way too fast in our family-friendly cul de sac without too much regard. Anyway, R stopped by as we were outside the Saturday before Easter. They were having a party and wanted to invite all the neighbors. We accepted. We went over there with S & K as S & M didn't want to go. There was music pumping, people drinking, and a good time being had by all. These people know how to party. It was a birthday party for one of L's girls...she just turned 22 and for her boy that is moving to HI (yay!). Their house is beautiful and looks like a model home on the inside. R is very nice and talkative and ready.to.be.our.best.friend. BJ and S & K start drinking. K is sloshed after one mixed drink. L (the homeowner) is a bartender so she knows how to mix a good drink. I had nothing as we had the Little Guy with us and I don't like drinking around him. We ended up staying way longer than anticipated. We got the full tour of the house. I feel like a pauper after being in their home. But it's all good because I love my house and what we have done with it so far.


As the night wore on, BJ and R talked more and more. And apparently we are now slated to go out on their boat several times this year, go camping with them, go to an O's game with them, hang out in Baltimore with them and get invited over every weekend. I'm glad they are so nice and welcoming, don't get me wrong. However, there is a difference in being neighbors and being bestest friends. I'm not ready for that. We have an 8-year-old...not partying grown children. I have a feeling there will be many things we have to decline to do with them. We went over there last weekend and sat out on their deck by a fire pit. It was very nice. The son was even pleasant to hang out with. There was casual conversation about hydro seeding our lawn and planting trees in the back yard. The next morning, R knocked on our door with a print out from the Internet about hydro seeding and a place we can rent our own hydro seeder and share it. Helpful information for sure, but at 9:30 on a Sunday morning, I'm still in my PJ's and BJ was still drinking his coffee.


So....we have some nice neighbors. And they are very different from each other. And that adds spice to the neighborhood, which is a good thing. But I'm scared of all the socializing I might have to do. And not only that, it doesn't seem that R & L know how to have a good time without alcohol. That worries me. I don't want to go out on the river (especially if we take the Little Guy tubing) with someone that is drinking and boating. I'm very against that sort of thing. But I don't want to become the neighborhood party pooper either. And I don't want to have to have a 20 to 30 minute conversation with my neighbor every time I see them. I'm grateful that nice people live by us, but I'm not ready for the best friend, party all the time lifestyle.


Ok, I'll stop complaining now. Time to find the good things to talk about so I'll be doing a Happiness post, too....to follow up all this pointless griping I'm doing. :-)

Happiness Is...

- almost falling asleep outside on the patio after eating my lunch at work. The weather is perfect for just lounging in the sun and with a full belly and listening to the birds sing...I was almost out. I even did the head bob thing a couple of times before I decided that it was best to come back in and get to work.

- surviving the Little Guy's first baseball game. It was torture to say the least but we made it through without too much drama. T-ball was more exciting. They do things differently in this league. They use a manual machine (oxy moron) and they only use 1 game ball and kids actually only get 3 strikes. In pitching machine at our old location, they used a powered machine like at the batting cages and kids got 5 pitches. It was ball after ball and then throw them all back to the guy feeding the machine after a hit or a strike out. Not so with this league. We were there for 2 full hours...and it got dark and cold and I was starving. But like I said...we made it through!

- scheduling some sexy time with the husband tonight. I've been sick with a cold and allergies and he's been sick so we haven't done anything in over a week! But we scheduled some time tonight...during intermission of the hockey game! :-)

- rockin' the red for playoff hockey tonight!! I'm so excited to see how we do in the playoffs this year. I get so nervous and scared each year. And with good reason. We have such a good team (the BEST team in the league this year) but we always come up short in the playoffs...I'm hoping that changes this year.