Well, I took my last Clomid pill last night. What I can tell you about this round of Clomid so far, is this:
- My ovaries are twinging for sure. Some of these twinges (on both sides) have been pretty sharp and taken me by surprise. The twinges have stopped me in my tracks on more than one occasion.
- I'm emotional. I'm only on 50mg and that usually doesn't affect my emotions very much. This time around, though, it's making me feel like I have PMS. I'm quick to tear up and have all sorts of sad thoughts. And I'm quick to snap and get ticked off at little things.
I hope I'm not messing anything up with my insides by taking this Clomid without first seeing if there were any cysts in there. And I hope these hormones don't mess with my already somewhat unpredictable cycles. Am I being too paranoid? I think it's the medicine making me freak out about all this right now. I don't remember Clomid having this affect on me before, but it has been a year since it's been in my body.
The POAS will begin tomorrow mid-morning to try and detect my LH surge. I'm sure it will be negative tomorrow, but with my cycles you just never know anymore. My guess is that I will hit my peak days this weekend. I'd love to get some good BD'ing in Saturday and Sunday but will probably only manage 1 of those days. We'll have to play it by ear I guess.
I called a woman on TV a bitch the other night. I was upset with myself for saying it after I said it. We were watching a new show on hgtv about first time home sellers. This couple wanted to sell their 2 bedroom, small rambler and buy a bigger house because they are ready to start a family. She must have said that at least 3 times before I wished her luck with that. I also proceeded to tell her that just because you buy the house with 4-bedrooms doesn't mean that you get to fill them with babies. And hopefully you (she) isn't stuck with a great house that just ends up being empty. At the end of the show they finally sold their house and bought a really nice 4 bedroom home. As I was commenting on how pretty the house was, she announced that in about 7 months there would be 3 of them living there. So I called her a bitch. Not a very nice thing to do. Especially since she seemed like a very pleasant young woman. And I also was mad at myself because I don't really want other women to have difficulties TTC. It sucks and it can suck the life right out of you. But does it have to be so damned easy for some people? Why can't we infertiles just say "we are ready for a family" and just get knocked up? Can't there be a "standard" of waiting time before you get your BFP? Let's say that no one gets pregnant unless they've been trying for at least 6 months. Then on your 7th cycle, once you have suffered through 6 negatives, you get your BFP. I think I was really starting to wonder if something was wrong by my 6th failed cycle. And I wanted a BFP so bad that I could taste it. If we have a waiting time, then we will appreciate those positives even more when we get them on that 7th cycle. That way, no one woman suffers any more than any other woman. AND...we all get babies!
If only it were that easy. Oh yeah...for most couples it IS that easy.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Happiness Is...
- the Spring trees sprouting almost over night. The pear trees, the Cherry Blossoms, the dogwoods, the bright yellow bushes that I don't know what they are....simply beautiful!
- owning (and knowing how to use) a DVR. I've never had one until the new house. I'm not sure I could watch TV without it. :-) Bathroom break? No worries...just pause it. Didn't quite see that pool in the backyard on house hunters? No worries...just rewind it. Don't feel like watching 45 minutes of commercials during American Idol? No worries...just tape it and watch it while fast forwarding through all the BS of that show. I could go on an on about how I love my DVR...
- making an Easter basket for the Little Guy and BJ. A little panicked that I haven't bought anything yet and Easter is THIS weekend! How did it get here so fast? But still excited to carry on my yearly tradition of making baskets.
- looking forward to Friday....I'm off and it will be sunny and almost 80! Holy Moly! It doesn't get any better than that. I'm pretty much tied to the house to wait for the HVAC guys but I can open the windows and sit on the front porch for as long as I like.
- FINALLY finding 2 chairs and a small table for our front porch this past weekend. We bought them on sale at Target and I really like them. They are dark wicker with a light gray cushion. The table is pretty much the same wicker color with a frosted glass top. It's round and it folds right away if needed. We are however, wishing that we would have looked into how much it would have cost to expand our porch to 6 feet instead of the standard 4 as the chairs make it a tight squeeze to get by. But it is what it is and I love our new porch furniture...if we could only find some deck furniture that didn't cost an arm and a leg. :-)
- owning (and knowing how to use) a DVR. I've never had one until the new house. I'm not sure I could watch TV without it. :-) Bathroom break? No worries...just pause it. Didn't quite see that pool in the backyard on house hunters? No worries...just rewind it. Don't feel like watching 45 minutes of commercials during American Idol? No worries...just tape it and watch it while fast forwarding through all the BS of that show. I could go on an on about how I love my DVR...
- making an Easter basket for the Little Guy and BJ. A little panicked that I haven't bought anything yet and Easter is THIS weekend! How did it get here so fast? But still excited to carry on my yearly tradition of making baskets.
- looking forward to Friday....I'm off and it will be sunny and almost 80! Holy Moly! It doesn't get any better than that. I'm pretty much tied to the house to wait for the HVAC guys but I can open the windows and sit on the front porch for as long as I like.
- FINALLY finding 2 chairs and a small table for our front porch this past weekend. We bought them on sale at Target and I really like them. They are dark wicker with a light gray cushion. The table is pretty much the same wicker color with a frosted glass top. It's round and it folds right away if needed. We are however, wishing that we would have looked into how much it would have cost to expand our porch to 6 feet instead of the standard 4 as the chairs make it a tight squeeze to get by. But it is what it is and I love our new porch furniture...if we could only find some deck furniture that didn't cost an arm and a leg. :-)
Monday, March 29, 2010
Projects
Hello, everyone. I will first get to the TTC stuff since this is an IF blog, after all. I'm on CD6 and I have been faithfully taking my Clomid since Friday. I have felt a few twinges here and there but nothing out of the ordinary. For all I know, I could have a cyst in there messing things up. That's what happened with my first 2 attempts with IUI. I couldn't start the Clomid because of a cyst. Let's hope that there is nothing going on in there but good old fashioned follicle growth...let's say 2 to 3 really good ones. I have 2 more pills to take and then on CD9 (which happens to be April Fool's Day) I will start to POAS of the opk kind. And if I follow my 'general' timeline, we should be BD'ing on the weekend...always a good thing. However, it does fall on the weekend that we have the Little Guy. How does that always happen? Again...positive thoughts.
As some of you know, maybe all of you if you've read back entries, we bought a house in December. This house is a brand new house. And if someone ever tries to tell you that a new house is the way to go because you don't have to worry about doing any projects, they are completely full of it and should be smacked upside their head. :-)
So far, the things that we want to get done are as follows:
- new master bath lights: we hate the builder lights
- extra shelving in our closet and the Little Guy's closet and our laundry room
- kitchen cabinet hardware
- ceramic flooring in kitchen and back splash
- blinds in all windows
- ceiling fans in bedrooms and living room
- light in office
- hooks on back of master bath and hall bath doors for towels...the racks are for 'pretty' towels
- hooks on laundry room door to hang clothes as they come out of the dryer
- switch dryer door to open on the left side
- some sort of organization in the garage
- finish basement with craft room and bathroom
- wood flooring in office, dining room and foyer
- better grade carpet in living room...very high traffic area
There's more that I can't think of right now. And this does not even include all the decorating that needs done and the decisions involved in that process. I can tell you that we have accomplished some things on the list. Other things will wait until we get our tax money. Which is already spent before it even gets here as we need a shed and a lawn tractor and we want to plant some trees.
Saturday we actually found a ceiling fan for the living room. I really like it...now. I hated it yesterday while BJ was trying to put it up. Everything was going great until he had to house the wires in a compartment that was too small. All hell broke loose in our house yesterday afternoon. He was mad and cussing and I was trying to be helpful (even though he's a pain in the butt to try and help because of course I can't do anything right) and kept my mouth shut. It got to a point where I went off and did laundry and left him to sulk. He finished the fan and I didn't even have to help anymore. All was well because it worked when we turned it on. While at the store Saturday, he decided he wanted to put a cat door in our basement door so that we can close the basement door. Smokey's litter box is downstairs and he can't stand the door being opened the least little bit. Another project. And this one was almost as bad as the fan. There were no written directions, only a few pictures. He cut the hole in the door and it was all downhill from there. Things didn't fit, didn't line up, wouldn't stay straight...you name it, it went wrong. I actually thought we were going to have to buy a new door and forget the whole thing. We finally got it installed....and she's scared to death of it. We have been working with her and I'm hoping that she uses it today while we aren't there to put her through a few times. And in my opinion....the cat door bothers me more (and looks worse) than the basement door being open a crack. But whatevah, that's just MY opinion.
We picked out our cabinet hardware and now we need to purchase all of it. One of the master bath lights have been replaced and I'm not exactly sure why he hasn't done the other one. Our bedroom and the Little Guy's playroom have ceiling fans. We have one for the 4th bedroom but it's just sitting on the floor upstairs. A couple of hooks have been hung up. We bought pegboard and hooks for the garage Saturday, just need the shed so we can start getting things out of our way so we can work on organizing the garage. The dryer door was finally switched over 2 weekends ago.
I'm not sure my marriage can take any more projects, at least not ones where 2 people are required. :-) I'm not the most 'construction' minded or talented person out there, but when I try to help, I AM trying to HELP....and I'm doing my best. My dad, my first husband and now this husband all seem to think I can read their minds and that I should be as strong as they are and know what they want me to do without them saying anything. Ugh. How do I end up with these impatient men? I think from now on, I'm going to recommend that he do projects on his own or he can recruit his new buddy next door. They can get together and ooze all the perfection they want while I sit back and just enjoy the finished product. :-)
So if anyone ever tells you that you won't have as many projects at home if you buy a new construction house....please smack them for me. Thanks!
As some of you know, maybe all of you if you've read back entries, we bought a house in December. This house is a brand new house. And if someone ever tries to tell you that a new house is the way to go because you don't have to worry about doing any projects, they are completely full of it and should be smacked upside their head. :-)
So far, the things that we want to get done are as follows:
- new master bath lights: we hate the builder lights
- extra shelving in our closet and the Little Guy's closet and our laundry room
- kitchen cabinet hardware
- ceramic flooring in kitchen and back splash
- blinds in all windows
- ceiling fans in bedrooms and living room
- light in office
- hooks on back of master bath and hall bath doors for towels...the racks are for 'pretty' towels
- hooks on laundry room door to hang clothes as they come out of the dryer
- switch dryer door to open on the left side
- some sort of organization in the garage
- finish basement with craft room and bathroom
- wood flooring in office, dining room and foyer
- better grade carpet in living room...very high traffic area
There's more that I can't think of right now. And this does not even include all the decorating that needs done and the decisions involved in that process. I can tell you that we have accomplished some things on the list. Other things will wait until we get our tax money. Which is already spent before it even gets here as we need a shed and a lawn tractor and we want to plant some trees.
Saturday we actually found a ceiling fan for the living room. I really like it...now. I hated it yesterday while BJ was trying to put it up. Everything was going great until he had to house the wires in a compartment that was too small. All hell broke loose in our house yesterday afternoon. He was mad and cussing and I was trying to be helpful (even though he's a pain in the butt to try and help because of course I can't do anything right) and kept my mouth shut. It got to a point where I went off and did laundry and left him to sulk. He finished the fan and I didn't even have to help anymore. All was well because it worked when we turned it on. While at the store Saturday, he decided he wanted to put a cat door in our basement door so that we can close the basement door. Smokey's litter box is downstairs and he can't stand the door being opened the least little bit. Another project. And this one was almost as bad as the fan. There were no written directions, only a few pictures. He cut the hole in the door and it was all downhill from there. Things didn't fit, didn't line up, wouldn't stay straight...you name it, it went wrong. I actually thought we were going to have to buy a new door and forget the whole thing. We finally got it installed....and she's scared to death of it. We have been working with her and I'm hoping that she uses it today while we aren't there to put her through a few times. And in my opinion....the cat door bothers me more (and looks worse) than the basement door being open a crack. But whatevah, that's just MY opinion.
We picked out our cabinet hardware and now we need to purchase all of it. One of the master bath lights have been replaced and I'm not exactly sure why he hasn't done the other one. Our bedroom and the Little Guy's playroom have ceiling fans. We have one for the 4th bedroom but it's just sitting on the floor upstairs. A couple of hooks have been hung up. We bought pegboard and hooks for the garage Saturday, just need the shed so we can start getting things out of our way so we can work on organizing the garage. The dryer door was finally switched over 2 weekends ago.
I'm not sure my marriage can take any more projects, at least not ones where 2 people are required. :-) I'm not the most 'construction' minded or talented person out there, but when I try to help, I AM trying to HELP....and I'm doing my best. My dad, my first husband and now this husband all seem to think I can read their minds and that I should be as strong as they are and know what they want me to do without them saying anything. Ugh. How do I end up with these impatient men? I think from now on, I'm going to recommend that he do projects on his own or he can recruit his new buddy next door. They can get together and ooze all the perfection they want while I sit back and just enjoy the finished product. :-)
So if anyone ever tells you that you won't have as many projects at home if you buy a new construction house....please smack them for me. Thanks!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Meeting New People
As I stated before, yesterday was the Little Guy's first baseball practice of the season. I commute to and from work on a bus. I parked at a different stop (one that we usually get to by 5:45-5:50 at the latest) so that I could drive to the practice location and not miss anything. So of course, the bus is late picking us up. And not just by a few minutes. Another commuter called to check to see where he was. While she was on the phone with dispatch, I saw our bus. He was a block away at a traffic light...stopped because of a police motorcycle blocking the road for a motorcade. Great. Come to find out that the next bus (they run about 10 minutes apart) was at the light, too. When they finally got to our stop, it was 4:50...I was already fuming at being 11 minutes behind schedule. Then traffic sucked the rest of the way, too. Needless to say, I didn't get to my truck until 6:08 then I had to drive to practice. But I did remember to get off at the right stop. :-) I hate being late, to anything. As the saying goes...best laid plans...
Practice was good. I even met new people. And get this...one lady is already living in our development and the other is having a house built there, too. The one, Jenny, has 3 boys and we have already met her husband on a number of occasions at our house while it was being built. They had a house to sell before they could move here and it finally did because they broke ground yesterday for the new house. The other lady, Michelle, has an older boy that we see skateboarding on our way in and out of the development. Not sure we want the Little Guy hanging out down there because I think he may be a little old for him, but her other son is his age so what can we do? He loves to skate and he's always so interested in watching the older boy as we drive by. Will have to keep an eye on that situation. And as it turns out, Jenny's youngest boy actually goes to the Little Guy's daycare 3 days a week. Very small world. They seem very nice and it will be nice to have someone to talk to during the games besides the husband (that usually finds other dads to talk to) and the Little Guy's mother. Granted, these women have kids and I don't, but I don't see them having any MORE kids so that means hopefully no pregnancy announcements.
After practice we grabbed some dinner and watched the hockey game. OMG! What a game it was. My team took the lead, lost the lead, got the lead back and then lost it again with less than 4 minutes to play. It went to overtime and then to a shootout. I thought for sure we were DONE but we came back from a deficit and scored 3 straight in the shootout to WIN! That makes 3 straight over the Stanley Cup champs....YEAH! I can't stand that organization. Yay for my team!
I get to start my Clomid tomorrow and I'm excited about that. I will take it before bed each night and say a little prayer that it lets me grow at least 2 really good eggs in there. It will feel good to be doing something a little more pro-active in this process. I'm a little nervous about getting my hopes up too much, though. I know the reality but knowing how I respond to Clomid, I get a little giddy each time I think about it. Although, the 2 IUI's I did with Clomid didn't yield a baby....no negative thinking! Just positive thoughts coming from me and my ovaries right now.
Practice was good. I even met new people. And get this...one lady is already living in our development and the other is having a house built there, too. The one, Jenny, has 3 boys and we have already met her husband on a number of occasions at our house while it was being built. They had a house to sell before they could move here and it finally did because they broke ground yesterday for the new house. The other lady, Michelle, has an older boy that we see skateboarding on our way in and out of the development. Not sure we want the Little Guy hanging out down there because I think he may be a little old for him, but her other son is his age so what can we do? He loves to skate and he's always so interested in watching the older boy as we drive by. Will have to keep an eye on that situation. And as it turns out, Jenny's youngest boy actually goes to the Little Guy's daycare 3 days a week. Very small world. They seem very nice and it will be nice to have someone to talk to during the games besides the husband (that usually finds other dads to talk to) and the Little Guy's mother. Granted, these women have kids and I don't, but I don't see them having any MORE kids so that means hopefully no pregnancy announcements.
After practice we grabbed some dinner and watched the hockey game. OMG! What a game it was. My team took the lead, lost the lead, got the lead back and then lost it again with less than 4 minutes to play. It went to overtime and then to a shootout. I thought for sure we were DONE but we came back from a deficit and scored 3 straight in the shootout to WIN! That makes 3 straight over the Stanley Cup champs....YEAH! I can't stand that organization. Yay for my team!
I get to start my Clomid tomorrow and I'm excited about that. I will take it before bed each night and say a little prayer that it lets me grow at least 2 really good eggs in there. It will feel good to be doing something a little more pro-active in this process. I'm a little nervous about getting my hopes up too much, though. I know the reality but knowing how I respond to Clomid, I get a little giddy each time I think about it. Although, the 2 IUI's I did with Clomid didn't yield a baby....no negative thinking! Just positive thoughts coming from me and my ovaries right now.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
My Cousin and Flies
My cousin is participating in a charity event for the March of Dimes. He's a real outdoorsman so he's doing a fly-tie-a-thon. He's going to tie flies (for fly fishing) for 9 hours on April 10 in North Carolina where he lives. He is part of a team of folks that are putting this event together.
In case you don't know, the March of Dimes works really hard to help support programs in your community that help moms have healthy, full-term pregnancies. And it funds research to find answers to the problems that threaten babies.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/twoatlow8
Thanks in advance for any help you can give.
In case you don't know, the March of Dimes works really hard to help support programs in your community that help moms have healthy, full-term pregnancies. And it funds research to find answers to the problems that threaten babies.
They are going to sell the flies and the proceeds are going to be donated as well. And any unsold flies at the end of the day are going to be given to Casting for Recovery, a breast cancer charity. Casting for Recovery supports breast cancer survivors through a program that combines fly-fishing, counseling, and medical information to build a focus on wellness instead of illness.
Last year he raised $300 and would like to do better this year. Most of his contributions came in a dollar or two at a time as folks walked by during the festival...this year, he's going high tech. I have posted a link to his website below. If you would like to contribute to this very worthy cause of helping babies, please feel free to click below. If not, no worries. I just thought I'd try to help him beat his record from last year. He doesn't know I'm doing this as he has no clue I have a blog. I'm going to keep it that way.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/twoatlow8
Thanks in advance for any help you can give.
Starting a New Cycle
Today is officially CD1. She showed up this morning on my first bathroom trip. At least she didn't wake me up in the middle of the night, right? I hate her arriving at 2:00 am (or some other unsavory hour of the night) and then having to jump up and run to the bathroom. Not to mention the light has to get turned on as it would not be just a regular bathroom break. Anywho...
If you didn't read my Happiness Is post then you missed the fact that I almost completely forgot about my Clomid prescription! Ack! How does any good IF girl forget something like that? Well, I got that bad boy filled this morning and will start taking it Friday. Maybe we can eek out more than 1 eggie this cycle and get lucky. Keep the fingers crossed for me.
Of course along with AF comes the cramps and the fatigue. I actually fell asleep on the bus this morning. It's a rare occasion for me to sleep in the morning on the bus. The afternoon is my nap time. :-) I took 3 extra strength tylenol this morning and my legs still hurt and I still have some cramping. Will have to break out the motrin in a little while I guess.
We have the Little Guy's first baseball practice this evening. I am getting off the bus at the first stop (oh please let me remember that!) because practice starts at 6:00 and I can make it there by then if I get off the bus a little earlier than usual. I love it that he went straight from basketball to baseball. It's such a busy but fun time of year for us. He's excited about it, too. Especially since BJ has been taking him to the batting cages and he's hitting more and more balls. We just need to work on his catching and his actual knowledge of the game. He's had the same coach the last 2 years (a friend of BJ's) that hasn't really taken the time to teach the game to the kids. Other than to run to first after they hit. So hopefully he'll get some good teaching this year. I try to tell him things but I'm a "parent" so therefore I'm just picking on him and I have no idea what I'm talking about. :-)
I'm going to go outside today at lunch since the sun is shining again and it's going to be in the mid 60's. I love this weather. I can't wait until it gets really warm and I can wear sandals and capris!
If you didn't read my Happiness Is post then you missed the fact that I almost completely forgot about my Clomid prescription! Ack! How does any good IF girl forget something like that? Well, I got that bad boy filled this morning and will start taking it Friday. Maybe we can eek out more than 1 eggie this cycle and get lucky. Keep the fingers crossed for me.
Of course along with AF comes the cramps and the fatigue. I actually fell asleep on the bus this morning. It's a rare occasion for me to sleep in the morning on the bus. The afternoon is my nap time. :-) I took 3 extra strength tylenol this morning and my legs still hurt and I still have some cramping. Will have to break out the motrin in a little while I guess.
We have the Little Guy's first baseball practice this evening. I am getting off the bus at the first stop (oh please let me remember that!) because practice starts at 6:00 and I can make it there by then if I get off the bus a little earlier than usual. I love it that he went straight from basketball to baseball. It's such a busy but fun time of year for us. He's excited about it, too. Especially since BJ has been taking him to the batting cages and he's hitting more and more balls. We just need to work on his catching and his actual knowledge of the game. He's had the same coach the last 2 years (a friend of BJ's) that hasn't really taken the time to teach the game to the kids. Other than to run to first after they hit. So hopefully he'll get some good teaching this year. I try to tell him things but I'm a "parent" so therefore I'm just picking on him and I have no idea what I'm talking about. :-)
I'm going to go outside today at lunch since the sun is shining again and it's going to be in the mid 60's. I love this weather. I can't wait until it gets really warm and I can wear sandals and capris!
Happiness Is...
- remembering that I have a prescription for Clomid! I got it filled this morning and will start it on day 3. Today being my actual CD1...that's not so happy but the fact that I get to at least DO something this cycle (like take Clomid) is happy news for me.
- going to the first baseball practice of the season with the Little Guy! I love it when he plays sports. I'm a sports girl anyway but I love cheering for him and his little teammates.
- the sun shining again today. I've missed it these last couple of days and it's good to have it back.
- waking up with my cat AND her being in a good mood so that I can snuggle with her for a few minutes before we get out of bed. She loves to cuddle in the mornings for some reason and I could lay there for an hour just petting her and listening to her purr.
- going to the first baseball practice of the season with the Little Guy! I love it when he plays sports. I'm a sports girl anyway but I love cheering for him and his little teammates.
- the sun shining again today. I've missed it these last couple of days and it's good to have it back.
- waking up with my cat AND her being in a good mood so that I can snuggle with her for a few minutes before we get out of bed. She loves to cuddle in the mornings for some reason and I could lay there for an hour just petting her and listening to her purr.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
AF All Over the Place
My title might make you think that I 'leaked' or something, but that's not what the title means. It means that several of the blogs I read (and me) are announcing the arrival of AF or at least the spotting that lets us know she is right around the corner.
I wait for my blogging buddies to post that they POAS or went for a beta and got a positive...or at least that AF is late or showing no signs of showing up. Waiting for posts like that make me very hopeful and excited that I will get to read good news. And from one of the blogs I read (The Sun'll Come Out, Tomorrow (I hope)) I actually got good news after waiting. But for several others, I was saddened by the arrival of AF.
These times just remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not alone in my suffering, in my sadness, in my disappointment. I'm also not alone in getting my hopes up and being let down. It's such a vicious circle that we endure out here in IF Land. And I wonder when we will all get our tickets off this island? Can I PLEASE be voted off? I will gladly vote off whoever wants to leave this place, which means that I will get a cramp in my hand from writing so many names when I go to Tribal Council.
I had about 4 spots yesterday and so far today maybe another 4. BJ pointed to my lady bits last night and called them 'bad'. I laughed and agreed. And then I asked him if I could punish my uterus by stabbing it like it stabs me during my period. He didn't think that was wise if I wanted to keep living in our house instead of in a padded cell. :-) I really just want AF to show up so that I can be done with her by the weekend. It doesn't help that my temperatures are not cooperating with a timely appearance. I dropped below the cover line Saturday by a tenth of a degree. Since then, I have been at or above the coverline. That's not normal for me. That means that I probably won't hit full flow until tomorrow or Thursday and that stinks. I don't like having my period on the weekend and especially not on our 'free' weekend. Ugh...stupid body.
His comments lately about our time running out are definitely true and solid arguments. I try not to tell him that we'd have a better chance at conceiving if he would do the deed with me more during my fertile time instead of just trying to rely on a 1-shot deal. He doesn't like to hear things like that because that puts pressure on him. When he's under pressure, he can't, ahem...do what he needs to do. That's why I try to hide it from him when I'm fertile. That makes it very difficult to get things going because if I try too hard, then he knows what's up and is resistant. I think it's an ego thing, too. Like "she only wants me for my sperm, she's not really hot for me right now". That kind of thinking probably messes with his head and makes him not want to get naked with me. When you think of it like that, I guess I wouldn't want to get naked with me, either. I want to yell at him "Hey! The only way to maximize our chances is to do it 2 to 3 days IN A ROW!". But I can't. That will turn him off and probably make him quit trying. He's fragile that way and will not be told when he has to have sex.with.his.wife. He wants a baby, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't want to work for it the same way I do. And that's not a bad thing, it's just a very inconvenient thing. And it can get very frustrating to say the least. So, when he says that we need to get this show on the road, I don't think he realizes how important his actions are to that show.
Wow, I didn't mean to go down that road, but it all just sort of came out. I don't want anyone to think my dear hubby is not committed to TTC. He is. He's just not used to all the not-for-fun sexy time and he doesn't respond well to schedules. We do what we can and we hope that it's enough.
I wait for my blogging buddies to post that they POAS or went for a beta and got a positive...or at least that AF is late or showing no signs of showing up. Waiting for posts like that make me very hopeful and excited that I will get to read good news. And from one of the blogs I read (The Sun'll Come Out, Tomorrow (I hope)) I actually got good news after waiting. But for several others, I was saddened by the arrival of AF.
These times just remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not alone in my suffering, in my sadness, in my disappointment. I'm also not alone in getting my hopes up and being let down. It's such a vicious circle that we endure out here in IF Land. And I wonder when we will all get our tickets off this island? Can I PLEASE be voted off? I will gladly vote off whoever wants to leave this place, which means that I will get a cramp in my hand from writing so many names when I go to Tribal Council.
I had about 4 spots yesterday and so far today maybe another 4. BJ pointed to my lady bits last night and called them 'bad'. I laughed and agreed. And then I asked him if I could punish my uterus by stabbing it like it stabs me during my period. He didn't think that was wise if I wanted to keep living in our house instead of in a padded cell. :-) I really just want AF to show up so that I can be done with her by the weekend. It doesn't help that my temperatures are not cooperating with a timely appearance. I dropped below the cover line Saturday by a tenth of a degree. Since then, I have been at or above the coverline. That's not normal for me. That means that I probably won't hit full flow until tomorrow or Thursday and that stinks. I don't like having my period on the weekend and especially not on our 'free' weekend. Ugh...stupid body.
His comments lately about our time running out are definitely true and solid arguments. I try not to tell him that we'd have a better chance at conceiving if he would do the deed with me more during my fertile time instead of just trying to rely on a 1-shot deal. He doesn't like to hear things like that because that puts pressure on him. When he's under pressure, he can't, ahem...do what he needs to do. That's why I try to hide it from him when I'm fertile. That makes it very difficult to get things going because if I try too hard, then he knows what's up and is resistant. I think it's an ego thing, too. Like "she only wants me for my sperm, she's not really hot for me right now". That kind of thinking probably messes with his head and makes him not want to get naked with me. When you think of it like that, I guess I wouldn't want to get naked with me, either. I want to yell at him "Hey! The only way to maximize our chances is to do it 2 to 3 days IN A ROW!". But I can't. That will turn him off and probably make him quit trying. He's fragile that way and will not be told when he has to have sex.with.his.wife. He wants a baby, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't want to work for it the same way I do. And that's not a bad thing, it's just a very inconvenient thing. And it can get very frustrating to say the least. So, when he says that we need to get this show on the road, I don't think he realizes how important his actions are to that show.
Wow, I didn't mean to go down that road, but it all just sort of came out. I don't want anyone to think my dear hubby is not committed to TTC. He is. He's just not used to all the not-for-fun sexy time and he doesn't respond well to schedules. We do what we can and we hope that it's enough.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Around and Around We Go...
Three posts in one day...wow, that must be a record. I wanted to welcome everyone to ICLW and do a Happiness post AND a regular post so you are stuck with 3 entries. :-)
I got my hair highlighted Saturday morning. I told the girl what I wanted. She didn't really do what I asked. BJ said that it didn't really look like she did much to the top, as in I still have some pretty dark roots. The reason it looks like that is because she lightened all my hair...so the stuff at the bottom that was already light, is even lighter and the dark stuff at my roots is a little lighter but not much. Ugh. I wish I knew where my regular hair girl was. I know it's petty in the whole big scheme of things, but it's my hair and I look at it several times a day and I don't really like it right now. In about 8 to 12 weeks I'll be going through this all over again when it's time for a cut and color. I bet you can't wait!
I started spotting this morning. I'm a little bummed. Hell, I'm a lot bummed. I was really hoping that something would be different this cycle since we hit the peak time better. I guess it's just onward. Although BJ made another comment about how old he is getting and how we need to get this show on the road. Like I'm not trying. I made him aware of how I realize our clocks are ticking.
We went to a birthday party Saturday afternoon. It was for one of BJ's friend's daughters...she turned 18. And she ran out and got a tattoo before the party. She's a sweet girl and I hope she stays that way. Thankfully no one asked me when we were going to have kids. I was worried, especially since there was a baby there. And even more thankfully, no one asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. Go me!
Sunday was spent looking at patio furniture and pansies. I had no idea how expensive patio furniture is. Even at the "mart" stores. We are going to hit Lowes next weekend because there wasn't anything we really wanted. We need something for the deck (table and chairs) and a couple of chairs for the front porch. We found pansies and then I planted them in our 3 big pots and set them on the porch steps. It was so good to get my hands dirty and sit outside (barefooted) and plant flowers. I can't wait until they finish our yard so that we can really start planting things. The weather was absolutely beautiful both days. We had the windows open and grilled out Friday night and last night...it was great. I love this time of year.
I went to see BJ's doctor (mine is located where we used to live and I didn't want to drive all the way down there so I decided to switch to BJ's long time PCP) Friday afternoon about my hips. Basically, he's a little worried about me. He said that I should not be having this type of pain. He sent me right over to x-ray. Of course I have a small panic attack as I'm walking over there because AF has yet to arrive and they want to x-ray my hips and pelvis. But then I think to myself, "self, why do you even think this will be a problem? you are irritable, bloated and tired...you are not carrying a child in there." And it's a good thing because I went ahead with the x-rays. The tech asked me if there was a chance I was KU and I said no. She asked me if I'd had tubal ligation. I almost laughed. I replied no again. I was getting ready to yell at her that I'm Infertile if she asked me again. If I really thought I was pregnant there is NO WAY that I would have done the x-rays that day. But I had all the signs of AF being just a few days away so I knew I was safe. I also have to have a bunch of blood work done which I will do this Friday. I then go back to see him on 4/6 to see what he has to say. He can't tell much just by talking to me and moving my legs back and forth. I don't know why not. :-)
That was my weekend...low key but very pleasant with wonderful weather. All in all, it was a great weekend. And now on the worst day of the week, AF starts to make her appearance...along with a HUGE thunderstorm out side. It all sort of fits. Mondays are just putrid anyway, then AF starts to show up and it's storming outside....fits my mood perfectly today.
I got my hair highlighted Saturday morning. I told the girl what I wanted. She didn't really do what I asked. BJ said that it didn't really look like she did much to the top, as in I still have some pretty dark roots. The reason it looks like that is because she lightened all my hair...so the stuff at the bottom that was already light, is even lighter and the dark stuff at my roots is a little lighter but not much. Ugh. I wish I knew where my regular hair girl was. I know it's petty in the whole big scheme of things, but it's my hair and I look at it several times a day and I don't really like it right now. In about 8 to 12 weeks I'll be going through this all over again when it's time for a cut and color. I bet you can't wait!
I started spotting this morning. I'm a little bummed. Hell, I'm a lot bummed. I was really hoping that something would be different this cycle since we hit the peak time better. I guess it's just onward. Although BJ made another comment about how old he is getting and how we need to get this show on the road. Like I'm not trying. I made him aware of how I realize our clocks are ticking.
We went to a birthday party Saturday afternoon. It was for one of BJ's friend's daughters...she turned 18. And she ran out and got a tattoo before the party. She's a sweet girl and I hope she stays that way. Thankfully no one asked me when we were going to have kids. I was worried, especially since there was a baby there. And even more thankfully, no one asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. Go me!
Sunday was spent looking at patio furniture and pansies. I had no idea how expensive patio furniture is. Even at the "mart" stores. We are going to hit Lowes next weekend because there wasn't anything we really wanted. We need something for the deck (table and chairs) and a couple of chairs for the front porch. We found pansies and then I planted them in our 3 big pots and set them on the porch steps. It was so good to get my hands dirty and sit outside (barefooted) and plant flowers. I can't wait until they finish our yard so that we can really start planting things. The weather was absolutely beautiful both days. We had the windows open and grilled out Friday night and last night...it was great. I love this time of year.
I went to see BJ's doctor (mine is located where we used to live and I didn't want to drive all the way down there so I decided to switch to BJ's long time PCP) Friday afternoon about my hips. Basically, he's a little worried about me. He said that I should not be having this type of pain. He sent me right over to x-ray. Of course I have a small panic attack as I'm walking over there because AF has yet to arrive and they want to x-ray my hips and pelvis. But then I think to myself, "self, why do you even think this will be a problem? you are irritable, bloated and tired...you are not carrying a child in there." And it's a good thing because I went ahead with the x-rays. The tech asked me if there was a chance I was KU and I said no. She asked me if I'd had tubal ligation. I almost laughed. I replied no again. I was getting ready to yell at her that I'm Infertile if she asked me again. If I really thought I was pregnant there is NO WAY that I would have done the x-rays that day. But I had all the signs of AF being just a few days away so I knew I was safe. I also have to have a bunch of blood work done which I will do this Friday. I then go back to see him on 4/6 to see what he has to say. He can't tell much just by talking to me and moving my legs back and forth. I don't know why not. :-)
That was my weekend...low key but very pleasant with wonderful weather. All in all, it was a great weekend. And now on the worst day of the week, AF starts to make her appearance...along with a HUGE thunderstorm out side. It all sort of fits. Mondays are just putrid anyway, then AF starts to show up and it's storming outside....fits my mood perfectly today.
Happiness Is...
- planting pansies...purple and yellow ones...in my big 3 pots out on our porch. They are so pretty and I hope they make it for a while yet. I'm not a big green thumb but I do like to grow things.
- wearing shorts and no shoes or socks while outside. I must have been outside yesterday for about 2 1/2 hours with no shoes on...it was great. My feet are cold all winter and it was glorious to NOT have cold feet yesterday!
- thinking forward to my day off next week. I have a doctor appointment (endocrinologist) and have to wait around for the HVAC guys...but I won't be getting up early and going to work...yay!
- a great weekend with the husband and the Little Guy. We grilled Friday night (steaks) and yesterday (bbq bacon hamburgers) and just enjoyed the weather and hanging out together outside.
- wearing shorts and no shoes or socks while outside. I must have been outside yesterday for about 2 1/2 hours with no shoes on...it was great. My feet are cold all winter and it was glorious to NOT have cold feet yesterday!
- thinking forward to my day off next week. I have a doctor appointment (endocrinologist) and have to wait around for the HVAC guys...but I won't be getting up early and going to work...yay!
- a great weekend with the husband and the Little Guy. We grilled Friday night (steaks) and yesterday (bbq bacon hamburgers) and just enjoyed the weather and hanging out together outside.
Welcome ICLW'ers!
I can't believe it's that time again...my how things fly! You can read a little about my journey in my side bar but in a nutshell...I'm 33, on my second marriage, step-mother to an 8-year old boy and have been trying to conceive my first child for about 9 years now. I've never been diagnosed with anything other than being a poor responder so no one really knows why I'm not able to get pregnant. I went through 2 IUI's a year ago and did my one and only IVF in July of last year. Obviously, none of it worked. So now we are out of money for ART and trying things the old fashioned way. Because let's face it, the old fashioned way has worked wonderfully thus far. :-)
For anyone that is new to the blogging world, I say a big WELCOME! It's nice to have you here. Anything that will strengthen our support system is A-OK in my book. And that is what the blogging world is, support. It's also very understanding and sympathetic and knowledgeable and just plain wonderful. We are here for each other in good times and in bad. Comments are definitely the new "hug".
So welcome aboard! I always love new faces and finding new blogs to read.
For anyone that is new to the blogging world, I say a big WELCOME! It's nice to have you here. Anything that will strengthen our support system is A-OK in my book. And that is what the blogging world is, support. It's also very understanding and sympathetic and knowledgeable and just plain wonderful. We are here for each other in good times and in bad. Comments are definitely the new "hug".
So welcome aboard! I always love new faces and finding new blogs to read.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Happiness Is...
- light Friday traffic. I drove in to work today (instead of taking the bus) because I'm leaving early for a doctor appointment (not IF related) and it's nice when traffic is light and flows smoothly.
- FRIDAY!!!! 'nuff said.
- this glorious weather. I know I talk about it a lot, but the weather really plays a roll in my moods. And that fact that we will be close to 75 tomorrow with lots and lots of sunshine just pleases me to no end.
- going to look at kittens. We promised the Little Guy we'd get a kitten in our new house. He's never had a kitten. There is a cat at his mother's but she was full grown when he was born and my Smokey was full grown (they are only about a month apart in age) when he moved in with me. We are just browsing over 3 kittens that are ready and if one strikes us as our next family member, we are going to adopt it. If not, then we keep looking as more kittens will be available over the next month or so.
- walking 1.3 miles on the treadmill yesterday and not having my hips hurt afterward. I've been having some major aches and pains in my hips lately (that's why I'm going to the doctor today) and to be able to walk that far without hurting was wonderful.
- FRIDAY!!!! 'nuff said.
- this glorious weather. I know I talk about it a lot, but the weather really plays a roll in my moods. And that fact that we will be close to 75 tomorrow with lots and lots of sunshine just pleases me to no end.
- going to look at kittens. We promised the Little Guy we'd get a kitten in our new house. He's never had a kitten. There is a cat at his mother's but she was full grown when he was born and my Smokey was full grown (they are only about a month apart in age) when he moved in with me. We are just browsing over 3 kittens that are ready and if one strikes us as our next family member, we are going to adopt it. If not, then we keep looking as more kittens will be available over the next month or so.
- walking 1.3 miles on the treadmill yesterday and not having my hips hurt afterward. I've been having some major aches and pains in my hips lately (that's why I'm going to the doctor today) and to be able to walk that far without hurting was wonderful.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Timing is Everything
"Timing is everything" is a very common saying. It is also one of the most truest cliches out there. When I think about TTC, all I can think about is timing. The more I learned about TTC and fertility and ART, the more I realized that timing really is everything.
We have to take our temperature at the same time each morning.
We have to POAS a couple of times a day (sometimes) to figure out what time we should be having sex.
We have to actually find the time to have the sex necessary to get KU....during our fertile time.
We have to wait at least 10dpo to POanotherS otherwise, our timing could be off and we could get a false negative (yeah, like any of my negatives have been false).
The timing of CD1 is imperative to anyone undergoing a medical fertility treatment of any sort.
We have to make sure we don't waste any time getting our DH's SA to the lab for analysis.
We have to get up at the crack of dawn (sometimes) for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound...I hate those times.
We have to start our Clomid on time.
We have to take our injections at the same time each day.
We have to trigger at a certain time to make sure we ovulate on time.
The IUI has to be done at a certain time to make sure the swimmers have enough time to get where they need to go.
We have to have our ER 36 hours after our trigger shot...to time fertilization properly.
We have to give the embies time to grow (usually 3 to 5 days).
Then the embies have to be put back at a certain time to maximize their livelyhood.
We then wait until we are pretty sure that the trigger shot has had time to leave our system as to not get a false positive when we POAS.
Then it all starts over.
Who would have thought that the timing of all of this had to be so precise? I remember in health class they would just tell us that the egg came out on day 14 and then the sperm went in (we all know the sperm needs to be there first and wait for the egg. Hey, that's funny...the sperm comes from the man and men are always complaining about waiting on a woman..the egg! Ha Ha! I'm here all week folks.) and they meet up and live in the fluffy uterus for 9 months. They said it could happen at any time...boy were they wrong about that whole timing thing.
I'm trying to pass this 2ww by not thinking about fertility or my lack thereof. I've been doing a pretty good job. So good in fact, that I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Thank goodness I'm far enough away from ovulation and from AF that missing one day isn't going to make or break my cycle. Plus, with the warm weather and sunshine I have a lot more to think about. I can't wait until they come and finish our yard. I'm itching like crazy to plant some flowers and hang some flower baskets and get some deck boxes for the back deck. I've never been much on planting until we were trying to sell the old house and wanted to spruce up the outside. I loved watering and watching things grow and bloom. Especially because I'm not a green thumb so I have no idea what most of the plants were that I planted, so each one was a surprise as it grew. :-) I bought some big flower pots that I'd like to fill this weekend to get some color until they finish our yard. I can't wait!
We have to take our temperature at the same time each morning.
We have to POAS a couple of times a day (sometimes) to figure out what time we should be having sex.
We have to actually find the time to have the sex necessary to get KU....during our fertile time.
We have to wait at least 10dpo to POanotherS otherwise, our timing could be off and we could get a false negative (yeah, like any of my negatives have been false).
The timing of CD1 is imperative to anyone undergoing a medical fertility treatment of any sort.
We have to make sure we don't waste any time getting our DH's SA to the lab for analysis.
We have to get up at the crack of dawn (sometimes) for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound...I hate those times.
We have to start our Clomid on time.
We have to take our injections at the same time each day.
We have to trigger at a certain time to make sure we ovulate on time.
The IUI has to be done at a certain time to make sure the swimmers have enough time to get where they need to go.
We have to have our ER 36 hours after our trigger shot...to time fertilization properly.
We have to give the embies time to grow (usually 3 to 5 days).
Then the embies have to be put back at a certain time to maximize their livelyhood.
We then wait until we are pretty sure that the trigger shot has had time to leave our system as to not get a false positive when we POAS.
Then it all starts over.
Who would have thought that the timing of all of this had to be so precise? I remember in health class they would just tell us that the egg came out on day 14 and then the sperm went in (we all know the sperm needs to be there first and wait for the egg. Hey, that's funny...the sperm comes from the man and men are always complaining about waiting on a woman..the egg! Ha Ha! I'm here all week folks.) and they meet up and live in the fluffy uterus for 9 months. They said it could happen at any time...boy were they wrong about that whole timing thing.
I'm trying to pass this 2ww by not thinking about fertility or my lack thereof. I've been doing a pretty good job. So good in fact, that I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Thank goodness I'm far enough away from ovulation and from AF that missing one day isn't going to make or break my cycle. Plus, with the warm weather and sunshine I have a lot more to think about. I can't wait until they come and finish our yard. I'm itching like crazy to plant some flowers and hang some flower baskets and get some deck boxes for the back deck. I've never been much on planting until we were trying to sell the old house and wanted to spruce up the outside. I loved watering and watching things grow and bloom. Especially because I'm not a green thumb so I have no idea what most of the plants were that I planted, so each one was a surprise as it grew. :-) I bought some big flower pots that I'd like to fill this weekend to get some color until they finish our yard. I can't wait!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
7dpo
It's that time of my cycle where every little cramp and twinge is analyzed and I wonder if it's implantation cramping. It's been happening here and there for the last day or so and that would be about right as far as the timing goes. However, this happens almost on a monthly basis. So I have to sit and wait for another 5 to 7 days to see what happens. Always with the waiting.
On a happier note (as in my Happiness Is... post) my curtains came in early for the living room. I'm so excited. We hung them up on the new rod yesterday (which I got for only $25 which was 50% off) and they look great. There are some issues and I will detail them all to you at a later date. I need to get everything in order first. BUT, I love the curtains and how they hang all the way to the floor. We have some of my late Grandmother's paintings to hang and we need a ceiling fan/light and the room will be done. My Grandmother really could have made some money with her artwork. She painted 4 pictures of New Orleans post cards when I was about 3 or 4 years old. Somehow over the years, nothing happened to them with all of her moves and all of her clutter. I found them as I was going through her things after she passed away. They are beautiful. BJ loves them...as does everyone else that has seen them. They were perfect at our old house and they will be perfect at this house too (if I could just figure out where to hang them in the living room). It's like they were meant just for me, no matter where I am. I will try to post them one day but digital pictures probably will not convey their beauty. The old curtains, that were too short, will go up in the spare bedroom...bedroom #4 that was supposed to be the nursery but is now my temporary scrapping room.
BJ and I are going to try and get away within the next few weeks before baseball starts. We haven't gone anywhere since July (during our IVF) and it's been a long time coming. I hope we can get something planned...especially since it's starting to warm up outside. We usually go away 3 times a year together and at least once with the Little Guy. Not sure what the plan will be this year.
Thank you for your warm comments on my post about my mother. I have so much to say about her and our relationship that it's hard to find the time to get it all out. My sister is in therapy and she said that they talk about our mother a lot. I think getting all of my 'mother' story out there will be therapeutic as well. Stay tuned for a very drama filled story. :-)
On a happier note (as in my Happiness Is... post) my curtains came in early for the living room. I'm so excited. We hung them up on the new rod yesterday (which I got for only $25 which was 50% off) and they look great. There are some issues and I will detail them all to you at a later date. I need to get everything in order first. BUT, I love the curtains and how they hang all the way to the floor. We have some of my late Grandmother's paintings to hang and we need a ceiling fan/light and the room will be done. My Grandmother really could have made some money with her artwork. She painted 4 pictures of New Orleans post cards when I was about 3 or 4 years old. Somehow over the years, nothing happened to them with all of her moves and all of her clutter. I found them as I was going through her things after she passed away. They are beautiful. BJ loves them...as does everyone else that has seen them. They were perfect at our old house and they will be perfect at this house too (if I could just figure out where to hang them in the living room). It's like they were meant just for me, no matter where I am. I will try to post them one day but digital pictures probably will not convey their beauty. The old curtains, that were too short, will go up in the spare bedroom...bedroom #4 that was supposed to be the nursery but is now my temporary scrapping room.
BJ and I are going to try and get away within the next few weeks before baseball starts. We haven't gone anywhere since July (during our IVF) and it's been a long time coming. I hope we can get something planned...especially since it's starting to warm up outside. We usually go away 3 times a year together and at least once with the Little Guy. Not sure what the plan will be this year.
Thank you for your warm comments on my post about my mother. I have so much to say about her and our relationship that it's hard to find the time to get it all out. My sister is in therapy and she said that they talk about our mother a lot. I think getting all of my 'mother' story out there will be therapeutic as well. Stay tuned for a very drama filled story. :-)
Happiness Is...
- my living room curtains coming in 2 1/2 months EARLY! We picked them up Saturday and officially hung them yesterday evening. Love them! Now we just need to hang the pictures, get a ceiling fan/light and I can actually call the room done.
- knowing how warm it's going to be the rest of the week....upper 60's! It's getting to be pedicure weather! Yay
- buying a yoga mat and doing pilates in my own bedroom...without hitting any furniture. It's nice to have space to do things like that at home.
- snacking on a nice and sweet clementine for breakfast. My boss brings them in occasionally for us and I like to have a few when she does.
- Saturday afternoon naps with my hubby. I love snuggling with him on the couch and just drifting off for an hour or so. And it's really nice because we don't have to worry about not being able to sleep that night. We have a rule of no naps on Sunday but we sometimes break that one and end up paying for it when we're still up at 11:00pm. But it's so nice to nap together...
- knowing how warm it's going to be the rest of the week....upper 60's! It's getting to be pedicure weather! Yay
- buying a yoga mat and doing pilates in my own bedroom...without hitting any furniture. It's nice to have space to do things like that at home.
- snacking on a nice and sweet clementine for breakfast. My boss brings them in occasionally for us and I like to have a few when she does.
- Saturday afternoon naps with my hubby. I love snuggling with him on the couch and just drifting off for an hour or so. And it's really nice because we don't have to worry about not being able to sleep that night. We have a rule of no naps on Sunday but we sometimes break that one and end up paying for it when we're still up at 11:00pm. But it's so nice to nap together...
Monday, March 15, 2010
My Mother and My Cat
There is so much back story that I could tell (and will tell, eventually) about my mother and my cat. Each of them are very big entities in my life. This post will make a lot more sense once I decide to put myself through the emotional turmoil and explain more about my mother. But for now, I needed to let everyone know that I had an epiphany over the weekend.
Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.
When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:
"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"
And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:
"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."
BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.
She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.
And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.
How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?
Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.
When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:
"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"
And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:
"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."
BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.
She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.
And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.
How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?
Friday, March 12, 2010
3dpo
As the title states, according to FF, I'm 3dpo. I figured it would tell me that. And that is what I am going to go with since I still had a positive opk on Monday. I'm fine with that. Not really, but there's nothing I can do to change it. Especially since there were extenuating circumstances with me being sick and all. So I move on.
There's some sort of switch that flips once my ovulation is detected (or entered by me) on my chart. I get more giddy. I get more hopeful. I start thinking about a possible due date, and telling BJ and telling the Little Guy and my parents. I don't know why I do this. It's pure torture on myself but I do it. You would think I would learn. You would think I wouldn't do this to myself month after month. But I do. It seems I can't help myself. And because I know so much about reproduction, I know pretty much everything that should be happening in my body if there is a fertilized embryo. Sometimes, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. Isn't there a saying that goes something like "ignorance is bliss"? When it comes to TTC I think there is a certain level of ignorance that can be bliss.
I'm doing something for myself today. I'm leaving in 10 minutes to get my hair cut. Normally, I would be driving about 20 miles tomorrow to see my regular girl that has been cutting and coloring (highlighting) my hair for about 6 years now. She quit the salon and they won't tell me where she went. I'm so picky about who cuts my hair. The highlighting is not such a big deal, but the cut is very important. I've gone to 2 people and been very unhappy with my hair the 2 times I was desperate and couldn't go to my girl. I am using a gift certificate today at a downtown salon for my hair cut. Then tomorrow I will probably go to a walk in place to get my highlights done. The downtown place charges a minimum of $150 for highlights and $85 for a haircut. To some that may seem like a bargain. To me, it's highway robbery. Especially since my girl can do both for under $100. I'm glad I have the gift card. I'm so overdue for a cut...my hair is too long. It gets in the way (and it was very in the way the other night during baby making, wink, wink) and usually ends up behind my ears. BJ hates that, and I actually do too. I'm looking forward to feeling "fresh" and getting a good shampoo and a little pampering.
We have baseball tryouts that will get rained out tomorrow. We are hoping that the rain date (Sunday) doesn't get rained out as well. Fingers crossed. And we have to hit the grocery store...blech! But other than that, we don't really have any plans this weekend. So I'm going to dance around (thanks for the suggestion) in my bucket of hope and promise and torture myself with baby thinking. :-) I hope you all have a great weekend.
ETA: just got back from getting my hair cut. It looks so much better! And it feels so much better! So glad I went. And since I got some of the blond highlights cut out, it doesn't look as obvious that I need to get my roots done. yay!
There's some sort of switch that flips once my ovulation is detected (or entered by me) on my chart. I get more giddy. I get more hopeful. I start thinking about a possible due date, and telling BJ and telling the Little Guy and my parents. I don't know why I do this. It's pure torture on myself but I do it. You would think I would learn. You would think I wouldn't do this to myself month after month. But I do. It seems I can't help myself. And because I know so much about reproduction, I know pretty much everything that should be happening in my body if there is a fertilized embryo. Sometimes, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. Isn't there a saying that goes something like "ignorance is bliss"? When it comes to TTC I think there is a certain level of ignorance that can be bliss.
I'm doing something for myself today. I'm leaving in 10 minutes to get my hair cut. Normally, I would be driving about 20 miles tomorrow to see my regular girl that has been cutting and coloring (highlighting) my hair for about 6 years now. She quit the salon and they won't tell me where she went. I'm so picky about who cuts my hair. The highlighting is not such a big deal, but the cut is very important. I've gone to 2 people and been very unhappy with my hair the 2 times I was desperate and couldn't go to my girl. I am using a gift certificate today at a downtown salon for my hair cut. Then tomorrow I will probably go to a walk in place to get my highlights done. The downtown place charges a minimum of $150 for highlights and $85 for a haircut. To some that may seem like a bargain. To me, it's highway robbery. Especially since my girl can do both for under $100. I'm glad I have the gift card. I'm so overdue for a cut...my hair is too long. It gets in the way (and it was very in the way the other night during baby making, wink, wink) and usually ends up behind my ears. BJ hates that, and I actually do too. I'm looking forward to feeling "fresh" and getting a good shampoo and a little pampering.
We have baseball tryouts that will get rained out tomorrow. We are hoping that the rain date (Sunday) doesn't get rained out as well. Fingers crossed. And we have to hit the grocery store...blech! But other than that, we don't really have any plans this weekend. So I'm going to dance around (thanks for the suggestion) in my bucket of hope and promise and torture myself with baby thinking. :-) I hope you all have a great weekend.
ETA: just got back from getting my hair cut. It looks so much better! And it feels so much better! So glad I went. And since I got some of the blond highlights cut out, it doesn't look as obvious that I need to get my roots done. yay!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The 2ww
Although FF hasn't yet confirmed, I'm sure I'm in the 2ww. All the signs and my spiked temperature let me know that. This cycle has been a bit different than my pre-ivf cycles, as you read about the other day. Normally, my temperature doesn't spike the day after I ovulate, it waits another day. So imagine my surprise when it spiked yesterday, Wednesday. If (and that's a huge IF) anything is back to normal then that would mean that I did, indeed ovulate on Monday. And that would mean that we hit our timing perfect with our BD session on Sunday. I really wish I could make more sense out of things sometimes. I don't know what to believe so I just have to go with the facts that I have:
positive opk's on Sunday and Monday
temperature spike Wednesday
I actually had some ewcm, too, over the weekend...go me.
Yeah...I'm in the 2ww.
I haven't called the doctor that my tax lady suggested. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really don't want to be told that my only option is IVF. Even though I pretty much know that is the case. It hurts to hear it from a professional. There's no money for another IVF. At least not this year. I might still give him a call, but with him not taking any insurance we definitely don't have the money to pay for any tests he'd want to do. We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow.
I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever right now. And I must say it's putting me into a bit of a panic. I'm turning 34 in May. We all know what turning 35 means...advanced maternal age. As someone that is pretty sure she has less than good eggs, the thought of turning yet another year older is extra scary. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be this age and still not have a child. Once I hit 34, I have only 12 months to get the job done. BJ will be 38 in September and he's definitely been dropping hints that he's getting too old for this baby quest. I don't blame him one bit. I know there are women older than me that have great success with pregnancies and parenting over the age of 35, but I know in my heart that it's not for me and my husband. I'm happy for anyone that can achieve their dream of parenthood when it's right for them. Getting pregnant after 35 is not going to happen to me. I will take steps to prevent it. It's easy to say that now, I know. But in reality, I've given myself 5 more years than I did originally. Back when I had truck loads of hope and promise. Now I have a bucket full of those things and I know the reality.
But I can't think about that right now. It's just too depressing. Right now, I want to take my bucket of hope and promise and stand in it...at least for the next 2 weeks. I want to hope that there is a healthy embryo traveling towards my ever welcoming uterus. I want to go forth with promise in my heart that we created a new life.
It's going to be a long 2 weeks.
positive opk's on Sunday and Monday
temperature spike Wednesday
I actually had some ewcm, too, over the weekend...go me.
Yeah...I'm in the 2ww.
I haven't called the doctor that my tax lady suggested. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really don't want to be told that my only option is IVF. Even though I pretty much know that is the case. It hurts to hear it from a professional. There's no money for another IVF. At least not this year. I might still give him a call, but with him not taking any insurance we definitely don't have the money to pay for any tests he'd want to do. We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow.
I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever right now. And I must say it's putting me into a bit of a panic. I'm turning 34 in May. We all know what turning 35 means...advanced maternal age. As someone that is pretty sure she has less than good eggs, the thought of turning yet another year older is extra scary. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be this age and still not have a child. Once I hit 34, I have only 12 months to get the job done. BJ will be 38 in September and he's definitely been dropping hints that he's getting too old for this baby quest. I don't blame him one bit. I know there are women older than me that have great success with pregnancies and parenting over the age of 35, but I know in my heart that it's not for me and my husband. I'm happy for anyone that can achieve their dream of parenthood when it's right for them. Getting pregnant after 35 is not going to happen to me. I will take steps to prevent it. It's easy to say that now, I know. But in reality, I've given myself 5 more years than I did originally. Back when I had truck loads of hope and promise. Now I have a bucket full of those things and I know the reality.
But I can't think about that right now. It's just too depressing. Right now, I want to take my bucket of hope and promise and stand in it...at least for the next 2 weeks. I want to hope that there is a healthy embryo traveling towards my ever welcoming uterus. I want to go forth with promise in my heart that we created a new life.
It's going to be a long 2 weeks.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Happiness Is...
- the warm sun on my face when I walked outside yesterday during my lunch hour. I then sat in the sun and read for a few minutes...it was glorious.
- not giving my husband grief when he sent me on a wild goose chase for his prescription....at the wrong pharmacy. He was certain he called it in...he did...to the other store. But I didn't give him a hard time as he was doing enough of that himself. Although I felt pretty dumb at the counter telling the techs that it had been called in the day before so there should be no reason why it wasn't ready now. :-)
- the peanut butter/jelly bars that a co-worker brought in Monday. We are still nibbling on them today. I'm sure they have 1,000 calories each but they are so damn good I just can't help but have at least 1 each day.
- knowing my blogging buddies are here for me. I always get good advice and encouragement from you guys. And you usually help me see another side of things that I might have missed in my rage/frustration/sadness. So...thanks.
- daylight savings time this weekend. I will be getting home and still having an hour (or more as time goes by) of daylight. I will use this time wisely to either enjoy my deck (that has been ignored in the cold and snow) or I will go for evening walks around the neighborhood. I haven't been able to walk around a neighborhood (and feel safe) since I was a kid.
- not giving my husband grief when he sent me on a wild goose chase for his prescription....at the wrong pharmacy. He was certain he called it in...he did...to the other store. But I didn't give him a hard time as he was doing enough of that himself. Although I felt pretty dumb at the counter telling the techs that it had been called in the day before so there should be no reason why it wasn't ready now. :-)
- the peanut butter/jelly bars that a co-worker brought in Monday. We are still nibbling on them today. I'm sure they have 1,000 calories each but they are so damn good I just can't help but have at least 1 each day.
- knowing my blogging buddies are here for me. I always get good advice and encouragement from you guys. And you usually help me see another side of things that I might have missed in my rage/frustration/sadness. So...thanks.
- daylight savings time this weekend. I will be getting home and still having an hour (or more as time goes by) of daylight. I will use this time wisely to either enjoy my deck (that has been ignored in the cold and snow) or I will go for evening walks around the neighborhood. I haven't been able to walk around a neighborhood (and feel safe) since I was a kid.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Just Once
Just once I'd like my body to do what it has in the past. Minus the not getting pregnant part. Just once I'd like to know that I did everything right on my end. Why is that too much to ask? I'm so frustrated right now that I could scream and cry and throw in the towel. I know I'm over reacting but I don't care. I know I should just pipe down and settle in for the 2ww. But I don't want to pipe down. I'm tired of being quiet and just sitting here like nothing is bothering me.
Way back in the day (and even now) when I used opk's to time BD'ing it was tricky. I would get a positive and then I would ovulate less than 48 hours later. Usually, I would ovulate in 24 hours or less when I got the positive result. I have come to count on that. I have come to rely on that. I have always been certain that my surge wasn't as strong as those women who get a positive and know they have up to 2 days before ovulation. It has always been that way for me. Until now, of course.
Not only is my body trying to get back to normal in length and day of ovulation, but it seems like it's trying to act like a "normal" woman's body, too. Where is all of this anger and frustration coming from? I'll tell you...
BJ and I did our thing Friday night like we had wanted. I knew it was still early but feared that I'd get the positive on Saturday and be out of luck. Imagine how happy I was that I tested negative twice on Saturday. I knew asking you ladies for help in that area would work. And like I had hoped, I got a blaring positive on the opk Sunday. Heaven's to Betsy this was going to be perfect! BJ and I had already been teasing and flirting with each other so we both had it on our minds. The Little Guy went with his mom after his basketball game and BJ and I went out to watch the rest of the race and just chill. I had a couple of drinks and we ate dinner. We went home and of course being all relaxed and what not, things happened. I was pretty happy since I just knew I'd ovulate Monday.
I started feeling sick around 11:00pm. I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and needed to use the bathroom. As soon as I was done with that, I was hurling up my dinner. Great. I was up a couple more times sitting on and then sticking my head in the toilet. A great visual don't you think? It was terrible. BJ said that his stomach was hurting, too so we deduced that our crab dip made us sick. I didn't get to sleep until a little after 2:00am. Then it was off to work. I would have stayed home but we had a big meeting to prepare for and my boss had a trip that I needed to finalize some details on. I didn't get sick anymore but I felt pretty queasy all day. Not to mention I was exhausted. Puking takes a lot out of a person. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't feeling any ovulation pains. I decided (and I don't know why) to POAS again. And it was another blaring positive.
Most women would be ecstatic to get a positive 2 days in a row. I'm obviously not most women. I was so mad that I cursed that 2nd line. There was no way either of us was going to be up for another romp after the night we had...it was bad enough that I was sick and didn't sleep but I kept waking BJ up every time I got out of and into bed. Plus, BJ asked me in the morning if we had at least gotten our timing right. I beamed out a big "yes" and told him I was pretty sure I'd be ovulating Monday. Now here it is Tuesday (CD13) and I still don't feel like I'm ovulating fully, I've had a few pinches in the ovary area but nothing definitive.
Again, I'm over reacting with all this anger and frustration as I know I should take this as a good sign. Maybe my fertility is not diminishing as much as I had feared. Maybe it just needs to work out some kinks? I don't know, but I had better feel some ovulation pains today. We have the Little Guy tonight so I don't know if I'd be able to swindle some action out of BJ or not. I just want my body to be predictable again...although as predictable as it used to be I never got a baby out of it.
Oh, and thanks for the advice and well wishes regarding the Clomid. I know I'm a pretty quick responder and that my follies grow fast (when not suppressed into oblivion) so I'm going to take it starting on day 3. I figure it's better to start a little early than to miss the boat all together. When I did my IUI's I responded well starting on day 3 so that's going to be my plan of attack next cycle.
Way back in the day (and even now) when I used opk's to time BD'ing it was tricky. I would get a positive and then I would ovulate less than 48 hours later. Usually, I would ovulate in 24 hours or less when I got the positive result. I have come to count on that. I have come to rely on that. I have always been certain that my surge wasn't as strong as those women who get a positive and know they have up to 2 days before ovulation. It has always been that way for me. Until now, of course.
Not only is my body trying to get back to normal in length and day of ovulation, but it seems like it's trying to act like a "normal" woman's body, too. Where is all of this anger and frustration coming from? I'll tell you...
BJ and I did our thing Friday night like we had wanted. I knew it was still early but feared that I'd get the positive on Saturday and be out of luck. Imagine how happy I was that I tested negative twice on Saturday. I knew asking you ladies for help in that area would work. And like I had hoped, I got a blaring positive on the opk Sunday. Heaven's to Betsy this was going to be perfect! BJ and I had already been teasing and flirting with each other so we both had it on our minds. The Little Guy went with his mom after his basketball game and BJ and I went out to watch the rest of the race and just chill. I had a couple of drinks and we ate dinner. We went home and of course being all relaxed and what not, things happened. I was pretty happy since I just knew I'd ovulate Monday.
I started feeling sick around 11:00pm. I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and needed to use the bathroom. As soon as I was done with that, I was hurling up my dinner. Great. I was up a couple more times sitting on and then sticking my head in the toilet. A great visual don't you think? It was terrible. BJ said that his stomach was hurting, too so we deduced that our crab dip made us sick. I didn't get to sleep until a little after 2:00am. Then it was off to work. I would have stayed home but we had a big meeting to prepare for and my boss had a trip that I needed to finalize some details on. I didn't get sick anymore but I felt pretty queasy all day. Not to mention I was exhausted. Puking takes a lot out of a person. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't feeling any ovulation pains. I decided (and I don't know why) to POAS again. And it was another blaring positive.
Most women would be ecstatic to get a positive 2 days in a row. I'm obviously not most women. I was so mad that I cursed that 2nd line. There was no way either of us was going to be up for another romp after the night we had...it was bad enough that I was sick and didn't sleep but I kept waking BJ up every time I got out of and into bed. Plus, BJ asked me in the morning if we had at least gotten our timing right. I beamed out a big "yes" and told him I was pretty sure I'd be ovulating Monday. Now here it is Tuesday (CD13) and I still don't feel like I'm ovulating fully, I've had a few pinches in the ovary area but nothing definitive.
Again, I'm over reacting with all this anger and frustration as I know I should take this as a good sign. Maybe my fertility is not diminishing as much as I had feared. Maybe it just needs to work out some kinks? I don't know, but I had better feel some ovulation pains today. We have the Little Guy tonight so I don't know if I'd be able to swindle some action out of BJ or not. I just want my body to be predictable again...although as predictable as it used to be I never got a baby out of it.
Oh, and thanks for the advice and well wishes regarding the Clomid. I know I'm a pretty quick responder and that my follies grow fast (when not suppressed into oblivion) so I'm going to take it starting on day 3. I figure it's better to start a little early than to miss the boat all together. When I did my IUI's I responded well starting on day 3 so that's going to be my plan of attack next cycle.
Friday, March 5, 2010
On to the Weekend
I'm so ready for the weekend. And this is after I was off on Wednesday. I have Spring Fever like no one's business. I can't wait for the 55 degree weather with the sunshine that is forecast for us. I'm so over Winter.
I had my ob/gyn annual on Wednesday. I was feeling pretty darn lucky that I didn't see any preggos in the office. What a relief. There was only a 17 year old girl there for her first pap. Her mom recognized me from the commuter bus we ride and spilled her guts. I'm sure her daughter was mortified. Poor thing.
I went in and was weighed and was very surprised that I didn't weigh nearly as much as I thought I did. I'm still a lot flabbier than I want to be, but at least the number was lower than I expected.
When my doctor came in she asked me what was going on. I proceeded to tell her that I'd like to take 50mg of Clomid next cycle and she asked me why. I told her about the failed IUI's and the failed IVF. I also told her that while I thought Dr. M was very nice, I don't feel like he (or anyone) tried to figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. They just wanted to lump me in with other "cases" and "typical numbers". She said that she didn't want me to think that just taking Clomid would work. And I assured her that I had no illusions but that I needed to feel like I was doing something. She agreed to write the script. What confused me was that she wants me to take it on days 5-9 instead of days 3-7 like I have previously. I didn't ask her why at the time and I could kick myself for it. I haven't had the chance to search google for the difference, either. Maybe some of my well versed readers could help me out with that one. She didn't seem to be concerned with my new lighter and sometimes shorter cycles so that's good. All in all it was a good appointment and I'm glad I asked her for the drugs.
We are taking the Little Guy to get him signed up for baseball tomorrow. Then he has to get all new baseball gear as he grows like a weed and will need new stuff. He then has a b-day party to go to in the afternoon. Then on Sunday he has his last basketball game. It will be a busy weekend again for us. I'm looking forward to being out and about and wearing a light jacket instead of my Winter coat.
I'm on CD9 today and I poas (the opk kind) and got the faintest of second lines. I'm thinking that means I'll be O'ing sooner than I did last cycle. It's always nice to be fertile on the weekend. I'm hoping that I'm far enough away from peak so that we can have fun tonight and Sunday...that would be perfect timing. But knowing my luck, we will DTD tonight and I'll get a positive tomorrow and be SOL. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't get a positive tomorrow...that it holds off until at least Sunday. We'll be alone Monday night and we tend to be more frisky when we are alone. wink wink.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
I had my ob/gyn annual on Wednesday. I was feeling pretty darn lucky that I didn't see any preggos in the office. What a relief. There was only a 17 year old girl there for her first pap. Her mom recognized me from the commuter bus we ride and spilled her guts. I'm sure her daughter was mortified. Poor thing.
I went in and was weighed and was very surprised that I didn't weigh nearly as much as I thought I did. I'm still a lot flabbier than I want to be, but at least the number was lower than I expected.
When my doctor came in she asked me what was going on. I proceeded to tell her that I'd like to take 50mg of Clomid next cycle and she asked me why. I told her about the failed IUI's and the failed IVF. I also told her that while I thought Dr. M was very nice, I don't feel like he (or anyone) tried to figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. They just wanted to lump me in with other "cases" and "typical numbers". She said that she didn't want me to think that just taking Clomid would work. And I assured her that I had no illusions but that I needed to feel like I was doing something. She agreed to write the script. What confused me was that she wants me to take it on days 5-9 instead of days 3-7 like I have previously. I didn't ask her why at the time and I could kick myself for it. I haven't had the chance to search google for the difference, either. Maybe some of my well versed readers could help me out with that one. She didn't seem to be concerned with my new lighter and sometimes shorter cycles so that's good. All in all it was a good appointment and I'm glad I asked her for the drugs.
We are taking the Little Guy to get him signed up for baseball tomorrow. Then he has to get all new baseball gear as he grows like a weed and will need new stuff. He then has a b-day party to go to in the afternoon. Then on Sunday he has his last basketball game. It will be a busy weekend again for us. I'm looking forward to being out and about and wearing a light jacket instead of my Winter coat.
I'm on CD9 today and I poas (the opk kind) and got the faintest of second lines. I'm thinking that means I'll be O'ing sooner than I did last cycle. It's always nice to be fertile on the weekend. I'm hoping that I'm far enough away from peak so that we can have fun tonight and Sunday...that would be perfect timing. But knowing my luck, we will DTD tonight and I'll get a positive tomorrow and be SOL. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't get a positive tomorrow...that it holds off until at least Sunday. We'll be alone Monday night and we tend to be more frisky when we are alone. wink wink.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Happiness Is...3/2/2010
* my Kindle. You will see that here a lot. I love it to pieces. It's my escape into another world without being a cumbersome burden with actual (gasp) pages to turn and weight to carry around. I can't thank my husband enough for it.
* the Little Guy making his first basket during a game on Saturday. I yelled and cheered and so did his mother. Then we said to each other, "man, we are loud". But it was great.
* laughing hysterically at my beloved the other evening. Allow me to set the stage. We were on the couch watching TV and he needed a snack. He had just gotten out of the shower so he was in very clean clothes that he intended on sleeping in. He grabbed a small container of mandarin oranges and sat down and began pulling the top off. Some of the liquid came out right on his belly. I just chuckled at that point and tried to tell him to be careful pulling the rest off but before I could, he dumped about 2 tablespoons of the liquid as he pulled the lid off. I burst out laughing while trying not to. He just looked at me in disbelief...of his "accident" and the fact that I was laughing so much. He told me I was about to wear some of it too, if I didn't pipe down. I couldn't help but keep laughing and he relented and just laughed too.
* my husband telling me that it's ok to go and talk to that doctor that our tax lady recommended. He said that if we get back 80% then it can't hurt to go and talk to him and have him review our/my records. Of course, any tests are probably out of the question. It can't hurt to have a sit down, though.
* the show Chuck. It's a show that we watch with the Little Guy and that he actually pays attention to. It can sometimes be a little over his head and a little inappropriate for his age, but all in all it's a good show that we like to watch together. I actually had my heart strings tugged on last night's episode.
* the Little Guy making his first basket during a game on Saturday. I yelled and cheered and so did his mother. Then we said to each other, "man, we are loud". But it was great.
* laughing hysterically at my beloved the other evening. Allow me to set the stage. We were on the couch watching TV and he needed a snack. He had just gotten out of the shower so he was in very clean clothes that he intended on sleeping in. He grabbed a small container of mandarin oranges and sat down and began pulling the top off. Some of the liquid came out right on his belly. I just chuckled at that point and tried to tell him to be careful pulling the rest off but before I could, he dumped about 2 tablespoons of the liquid as he pulled the lid off. I burst out laughing while trying not to. He just looked at me in disbelief...of his "accident" and the fact that I was laughing so much. He told me I was about to wear some of it too, if I didn't pipe down. I couldn't help but keep laughing and he relented and just laughed too.
* my husband telling me that it's ok to go and talk to that doctor that our tax lady recommended. He said that if we get back 80% then it can't hurt to go and talk to him and have him review our/my records. Of course, any tests are probably out of the question. It can't hurt to have a sit down, though.
* the show Chuck. It's a show that we watch with the Little Guy and that he actually pays attention to. It can sometimes be a little over his head and a little inappropriate for his age, but all in all it's a good show that we like to watch together. I actually had my heart strings tugged on last night's episode.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Just My Luck
BJ and I had our taxes done Saturday. The good news is that we qualify for the moving up credit. The bad news is that we were about $1,000 shy of being able to write off our medical expenses. And I say that it's the "bad" news only because I'm bitter that I didn't get a baby out of it and that I wanted some of the money back. I think it's only fair...whether you pay $20,000 for 6 tries in the shared risk program or if you pay $8,000 for a one shot deal, we should get some of our money back for not getting the product for which we paid. Whatever. I should just shut up and be glad that we qualified for the housing credit.
As we are sitting there going over our medical amounts with the tax lady (this is the 3rd year she has done them for us) she sees the total and says "are you guys trying to get ill on me?" and I responded with "no, we were trying to get a baby." She nodded and did the "ahhh" thing and continued with her work. BJ went on to say what a racket he thought the whole place was and I defended the clinic (although I don't know why) while she punched in the numbers. When she was finished, she looks at us as serious as can be and says to me..."you need to stand on your head and you (looking at BJ) need to just drop it in." We laughed because what else is there to do when someone makes a comment like that? She then proceeds to tell me a story about how she went through years of testing and prodding trying to get pregnant and then she stumbled upon this doctor. He said she had "hesions" in her uterus, did a D&C and put in an IUD for 6 months. He took it out and told her to "stand on her head and have her husband drop it in" and wouldn't you know she was KU within 6 weeks?
Of course, I had to look him up. BJ and I found him online yesterday and he told me that I needed to give him a call today. So I did. And wouldn't you know that he doesn't accept any form of insurance and an office visit for a new patient is $250. I was thinking that I could maybe talk to him and see what his thoughts were on my case and see if he had an opinion since he specializes in infertility testing. I know the whole "standing on my head" thing is a crock, but the guy has been around for over 30 years and he's been all over the world and, like I said, he specializes in infertility testing. I can't spend $250 on an office visit and then pay out of pocket for anything he'd want done. I could get reimbursed 80% from my insurance for any tests, but infertility testing is very expensive and I just can't spend that kind of money right now. This blows.
So, first we don't qualify to have our IVF written off our on our taxes and now I can't even get in to see this guy and see what he thinks. Just my luck.
I did tell BJ that I'm probably going to ask my regular ob/gyn for clomid. He seemed ok with that. I think he's thinking what I'm thinking...we have to try something that doesn't cost us hardly any money because we don't really have the money to spare right now. If we didn't need a lawn tractor and a shed to put it in then maybe we could do an IVF, but alas...there are real life things that we need to spend our tax refund on...can't go throwing money into the wind on hopes and dreams anymore. Been there, done that. The hopes and dreams are still here but we have to be responsible with our money. Responsibility sucks.
As we are sitting there going over our medical amounts with the tax lady (this is the 3rd year she has done them for us) she sees the total and says "are you guys trying to get ill on me?" and I responded with "no, we were trying to get a baby." She nodded and did the "ahhh" thing and continued with her work. BJ went on to say what a racket he thought the whole place was and I defended the clinic (although I don't know why) while she punched in the numbers. When she was finished, she looks at us as serious as can be and says to me..."you need to stand on your head and you (looking at BJ) need to just drop it in." We laughed because what else is there to do when someone makes a comment like that? She then proceeds to tell me a story about how she went through years of testing and prodding trying to get pregnant and then she stumbled upon this doctor. He said she had "hesions" in her uterus, did a D&C and put in an IUD for 6 months. He took it out and told her to "stand on her head and have her husband drop it in" and wouldn't you know she was KU within 6 weeks?
Of course, I had to look him up. BJ and I found him online yesterday and he told me that I needed to give him a call today. So I did. And wouldn't you know that he doesn't accept any form of insurance and an office visit for a new patient is $250. I was thinking that I could maybe talk to him and see what his thoughts were on my case and see if he had an opinion since he specializes in infertility testing. I know the whole "standing on my head" thing is a crock, but the guy has been around for over 30 years and he's been all over the world and, like I said, he specializes in infertility testing. I can't spend $250 on an office visit and then pay out of pocket for anything he'd want done. I could get reimbursed 80% from my insurance for any tests, but infertility testing is very expensive and I just can't spend that kind of money right now. This blows.
So, first we don't qualify to have our IVF written off our on our taxes and now I can't even get in to see this guy and see what he thinks. Just my luck.
I did tell BJ that I'm probably going to ask my regular ob/gyn for clomid. He seemed ok with that. I think he's thinking what I'm thinking...we have to try something that doesn't cost us hardly any money because we don't really have the money to spare right now. If we didn't need a lawn tractor and a shed to put it in then maybe we could do an IVF, but alas...there are real life things that we need to spend our tax refund on...can't go throwing money into the wind on hopes and dreams anymore. Been there, done that. The hopes and dreams are still here but we have to be responsible with our money. Responsibility sucks.
Thank You
Thank you, once again, for being there. For reading. For understanding. For just being you. I've received some of the kindest, most welcomed comments this week...especially on my FB ranting post. And to answer the main questions of "why not just hide her"...she's my ex-sil and I still feel pretty close to her. She means no harm, she's just so wrapped up in her own world that she doesn't stop to think about how her actions may affect others. Almost everyone that she is "friends" with has kids or is pg so she lives in a totally different world than I do. Although I know she knows that her brother and I were never able to conceive....she just doesn't think about that. She even changed her profile picture to her u/s picture. Anyway, enough about her. Thank you to all of those that stopped by for ICLW and left great comments. I'm sorry that we are all living in this IF world, but at least we have each other.
I was also given a couple of awards and I will post about that in a day or so. I have some other things I want to get out in the open first, but I didn't want to just skim over that. So thank you very much Patrish and AnxiousMummyto3 for my awards. I will do a better job of accepting them shortly. I appreciate every and all readers so know that I am honored to receive these awards.
I was also given a couple of awards and I will post about that in a day or so. I have some other things I want to get out in the open first, but I didn't want to just skim over that. So thank you very much Patrish and AnxiousMummyto3 for my awards. I will do a better job of accepting them shortly. I appreciate every and all readers so know that I am honored to receive these awards.
An Award? For Me? Awww Shucks....
I have received the Happy 101 Award from AnxiousMummy...thank you so much! The rules are pretty simple:
When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award as well. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!
Here are 10 things that make my day:
1 - I love it when the sun shines. I love the warmth it brings to the day and to my insides.
2 - I love an ice cold fountain cola in the morning.
3 - I love it when my cat comes running to meet me at the door in the evening.
4 - I love laying in the bed with my husband for a minute or two before I have to rush to catch my bus in the morning.
5 - I love it when my husband suggests spaghetti for dinner. I'm a pasta freak.
6 - I love it when the Little Guy gives me a big hug for no real reason.
7 - I love a hot bubble bath in my soaking tub.
8 - I love my little cat naps on the bus in the afternoon. They may only last for 20 minutes, but it feels really good to just escape for that little bit of time.
9 - I love it when my husband sends me an unsolicited "I love you" text.
10 - I love snuggling with my husband in bed after setting the timer on the TV for 30 minutes and then the cat jumps up and lays next to me for the night...sweet dreams.
And here are 10 blogs (in no particular order) that I love reading for many different reasons, but mainly because I have come to care about what happens to these women in their journey of life.
1. Peanut Noodle
2. Babies everywhere...but none that call me mama
3. Conceive this
4. Cats with passports
5. Wait, what?
6. Slice of pie
7. Life and love in the petri dish
8. Gracie in Brooklyn
9. Remember all the way
10. I've got news for you
I do need to warn you, some of these bloggers have found themselves, shall we say...in the "family way". Just wanted to let everyone know in case you clicked on one of them for the first time and they are discussing their pregnancy. Just wanted to let it be known that I do, actually, keep reading blogs after the BFP. :-)
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