It’s the age old question...does nature determine who we are or are we nurtured into a certain mold?
I don’t know why there has to be debate about it. The answer is obvious...it’s both. I am a perfect example of both nature and nurture playing a role in who I am as a person.
I was raised by my dad and step-mom. I rarely saw my mother as I was growing up. My dad had me play sports to help “keep me out of trouble”. I learned to love baseball and volleyball from an early age. My dad was a pitcher and so he thought I would make a good pitcher, too. As it turns out, I was a pretty decent pitcher. I preferred to wear jeans and t-shirts for the most part growing up. I liked to wear baseball hats and hang out with the guys. I didn’t meld well with other girls. There were times that I wore a dress here and there but if I wanted to dress it up a little I’d wear a skirt with tennis shoes. When I became a ‘tween and a teenager I of course began doing my hair and wearing make-up. However, I was still a major tomboy. My step-mother was not happy about all of this. She really wanted me to wear dresses and be more girly and help more in the kitchen and with cleaning and stuff like that. I was very resistant to all of those things. I wanted to play video games or watch Monday Night Football.
Now that I’m an adult I see all the ways I’m like my dad. It’s true that we turn into our parents. I’m much more patient with the LG than my dad was with us kids. But for the most part, I am my father’s daughter. We are both stubborn and unrelenting. We don’t know how to give up. We are reserved and in control. We have a very strong work ethic. We believe that honesty is the best policy and we think that being lied to is one of the worst offenses one can commit against us.
On the flip side of that, there are so many ways that I am like my mother. She was more of a tomboy growing up than I was. I have low self-esteem, which is just like her. I have a jealous bone the size of Texas, also just like her. I have a way of holding in my anger and being passive aggressive instead of creating a true conflict that will clear the air. I like to walk with very heavy feet when I’m aggravated (also seen as stomping to most people). I tend to shut down emotionally in tragic situations and just sort of float through them. Once by myself, I let those emotions all out and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I love football and that is a love that my mom and I share. We both love Disney movies and can watch them over and over. We both love the music of the 60’s. We both love to dance and cut loose on the dance floor and act silly around our friends.
My siblings were raised by my mother and let me tell you....we are extremely different. We don’t really have much in common when it comes to core values and ethics. I disagree with a lot of what goes on in their lives but I know that it’s because they were raised very differently from me. It’s hard for me to connect to them now that we are grown because we are so different even though we have the same mother. The things that I seem to have in common with my mother are not really shared between my siblings and me. It’s strange, really.
What I’m getting at is that I know that my child (please, oh please let this work) will have parts of his/her personality that are genetically linked to the donor but I also know that I will have a really big influence on who the child becomes just by raising him/her. I’ve seen how the home environment can shape who a person becomes. This is evidenced by my siblings and me. I’ve seen how genetics can play a role as evidenced by all the ways I’m like my mother. This baby (please, oh please let there be a baby!) will no doubt have traits from the donor but I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that because this will be my child and hopefully I can teach him/her how to love football and hockey and baseball and how lying is bad and honesty and trust are good. I’m going to teach him/her right from wrong and how to be kind to people and how to help people in need and always think of others before him/herself. I’m going to tell him/her how important a good work ethic is to really make him/herself stand out in a crowd and how working hard for what you want is so rewarding.
I really believe that BJ and I will produce a wonderful human, even if the egg is not my own. He produced a really good kid with his ex, right? I’m so ready for this...
Two side notes...I’m going crazy waiting for my coordinator to call me and tell me where the other ladies are in their cycles. She said she’d get back to me by the end of the week but how long does it take to make 3 phone calls? I know, I know...I’m not her only patient. Other side note...BJ was watching a commercial on TV last night and I’m not sure what it was a commercial for but it showed those little decals on the back of vehicles that depict the family within the vehicle...you know the ones...the ones we IF’s would like to scrape off because we feel like they are bragging about their abundance of fertility. Anyway, BJ said that he was going to get one if we have a baby. I told him that it had to include the cats and he said that he’d make sure to have 2 cats, the baby, the LG and us. I know how much I hate those decals but I must admit that the thought of being able to have one is quite appealing. Maybe if I put a little asterisk by the baby that says something like *I suffered for over 10 years to be able to put this on my car...please don’t hate me! What do you think? It’s still bragging, isn’t it?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Holy Completed Match, Batman!
I posted on Friday morning that we had chosen our donor Thursday afternoon. I ran to a couple of meetings and was having a pretty busy day overall. When I checked my e-mail at around Noon, I had a message from my coordinator that our match was COMPLETE! Wow! I hadn’t even had time to call my financial coordinator to put our deposit down. I called BJ immediately and told him the news. I was in shock at how fast another person snatched up our donor. I’m so glad we pulled the trigger when we did. I was on the phone as soon as I hung up with BJ to get the financial side straight and to figure out our next steps.
I read the e-mail a couple of times before I noticed a very important piece of information. We are the primary recipients for this donor!! Do you know what that means? That means that I am not 2nd in line as I thought since we picked her 2nd. It also means that we are not 3rd in line with a much higher risk of getting cancelled off the cycle due to an unexpectedly low amount of good quality embryos. When I had my initial financial consult I asked how it worked if there weren’t enough to go around and was told that people are put in line and that there is a 20-22% chance that the 3rd person in line could end up with nothing to transfer. I was told that your place in line was determined by what procedures you had already been though. Basically, if you have tried everything you would be placed higher than someone that has maybe only failed one IVF. This didn’t really click with me until I read it in the confirmation e-mail on Friday. I guess there has to be a way to determine this but it all seems so strange...to determine who is more worthy by what they have suffered through...glad I don’t have to make those choices. I was so worried that I would be third in line...it’s how things usually go with me. Not this time!!
I was advised to call my nurse when my period started. Wouldn’t you know that I was already taking my “reminder” pills in my pack? My period showed up yesterday! I called my nurse this morning and she is going to touch base with the other recipients and the donor this week to figure out where everyone is in their cycles and she said she’d get back to me by the end of the week. She was just as surprised at how fast this all came together as I am.
On a side note...this is a conversation that BJ and I had Saturday morning:
BJ – I forgot to tell you that “LG” saw your vitamins. (My prenatals are in the pantry because they came in a huge box and I have nowhere else to put them. I had them hidden behind a can of soup but I guess it got moved.)
Me – eyes bulge out of head
BJ – he asked me what these pregnancy things were for...Is TeeJay pregnant? I told him no but that he knows that we’re still trying.
Me – jaw hits the floor
BJ – then he says to me, “You know, I like being the only kid”.
Me – heart sinking
BJ – I told him that it probably won’t be like that and he shrugged and said “yeah, I know”.
Ouch. I’ve always wondered how he would feel about me having a baby. He’s very good with little kids but he’s never had to share any of his parents with another child. He’s a really good boy, but he’s also pretty self-centered and spoiled. It’s not his fault...he’s the only child and he’s the step-child of an IF. Of course he gets doted on and spoiled and gets all the attention. I just hope that if we get to bring a baby home that he won’t resent it in any way. He will have to be informed that we are not getting the pool he wants so badly because of (hopefully) a baby on the way. I’m sure that won’t go over very well, either. I know he will love the baby but I still have the fear of the resentment factor. I’m sure all parents think about that when they are trying to have another child. I’m hoping that the huge age gap will not make things worse. I think toddlers and younger children adapt better to babies than older kids. I don’t know, maybe that’s not the case at all. I sure hope we get to find out, though. I can’t wait to take pictures of the two of them together and hear the LG talk about his brother or sister to other people. I hope we get to live that life. Fingers crossed.
I read the e-mail a couple of times before I noticed a very important piece of information. We are the primary recipients for this donor!! Do you know what that means? That means that I am not 2nd in line as I thought since we picked her 2nd. It also means that we are not 3rd in line with a much higher risk of getting cancelled off the cycle due to an unexpectedly low amount of good quality embryos. When I had my initial financial consult I asked how it worked if there weren’t enough to go around and was told that people are put in line and that there is a 20-22% chance that the 3rd person in line could end up with nothing to transfer. I was told that your place in line was determined by what procedures you had already been though. Basically, if you have tried everything you would be placed higher than someone that has maybe only failed one IVF. This didn’t really click with me until I read it in the confirmation e-mail on Friday. I guess there has to be a way to determine this but it all seems so strange...to determine who is more worthy by what they have suffered through...glad I don’t have to make those choices. I was so worried that I would be third in line...it’s how things usually go with me. Not this time!!
I was advised to call my nurse when my period started. Wouldn’t you know that I was already taking my “reminder” pills in my pack? My period showed up yesterday! I called my nurse this morning and she is going to touch base with the other recipients and the donor this week to figure out where everyone is in their cycles and she said she’d get back to me by the end of the week. She was just as surprised at how fast this all came together as I am.
On a side note...this is a conversation that BJ and I had Saturday morning:
BJ – I forgot to tell you that “LG” saw your vitamins. (My prenatals are in the pantry because they came in a huge box and I have nowhere else to put them. I had them hidden behind a can of soup but I guess it got moved.)
Me – eyes bulge out of head
BJ – he asked me what these pregnancy things were for...Is TeeJay pregnant? I told him no but that he knows that we’re still trying.
Me – jaw hits the floor
BJ – then he says to me, “You know, I like being the only kid”.
Me – heart sinking
BJ – I told him that it probably won’t be like that and he shrugged and said “yeah, I know”.
Ouch. I’ve always wondered how he would feel about me having a baby. He’s very good with little kids but he’s never had to share any of his parents with another child. He’s a really good boy, but he’s also pretty self-centered and spoiled. It’s not his fault...he’s the only child and he’s the step-child of an IF. Of course he gets doted on and spoiled and gets all the attention. I just hope that if we get to bring a baby home that he won’t resent it in any way. He will have to be informed that we are not getting the pool he wants so badly because of (hopefully) a baby on the way. I’m sure that won’t go over very well, either. I know he will love the baby but I still have the fear of the resentment factor. I’m sure all parents think about that when they are trying to have another child. I’m hoping that the huge age gap will not make things worse. I think toddlers and younger children adapt better to babies than older kids. I don’t know, maybe that’s not the case at all. I sure hope we get to find out, though. I can’t wait to take pictures of the two of them together and hear the LG talk about his brother or sister to other people. I hope we get to live that life. Fingers crossed.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Donor Chosen
I did it. I made the final selection of our donor yesterday. I have been thinking about it almost non-stop. I’ve visited the database several times a day to check on her. BJ and I talked a little about it Wednesday night while the LG was in the shower. He said he was fine with her. I told him that I needed another day. I had some things I needed to work out and I wanted to make sure no one “better” came along. Ugh, that sounds terrible.
I’m going to lay a lot out here right now and some of it might sound shallow and just plain ridiculous, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out. I have to put these thoughts on paper to better help me deal with them. Maybe what I’m feeling is not so strange. Maybe there are others that feel this way too and maybe by putting it out there I can help someone deal with their own feelings.
I have a lot of insecurities about myself. I have very low self-esteem. Fighting IF has not helped those feelings diminish. In fact, as many of you know, IF can really put a woman in a bad place. Knowing that my husband is having another child with another woman (yes, he’s really having it with me...like I said, some of these thoughts are ridiculous) is hard to handle. She’s a very cute 21 year old and I can’t help but wonder what my husband thought when he looked at her pictures. She was/is a cheerleader and one of her pictures is her in her cheer outfit. I have these horrible thoughts of my husband fantasizing about her. How sick is that? There’s no worse feeling for me than to feel inferior to another woman. I have always felt like I just wasn’t good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not enough boobs, not tall enough...the list goes on and on. I hate that I have these insecurities but they are a part of my life and I don’t see them disappearing any time soon. I find it crazy that I was sitting on the couch next to my husband looking at pictures of these cute young girls trying to figure out who will be the right fit for me, for us. It’s so, so, so....I don’t know. It was so strange to ask him if he thought she was pretty...I didn’t want an answer but at the same time I wanted him to say something like, “sure, but not as pretty as you.” That didn’t happen. He just said, “Yeah”. That is a fine answer...and it keeps him out of trouble. So all this searching (all 9 profiles) brought up a lot of physical insecurities I have about myself. I know it’s crazy but I really hate the way I look right now after looking at these pretty young girls with lots of eggs and great functioning ovaries. One thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other and yet I have equated them. Nice going, TeeJay.
Some other struggles I had with this donor was that she is a cheerleader and likes to do hair and went to cosmetology school. She is only 21 so I don’t know what I was expecting but I can tell you that I was hoping for a little more. Granted, when I was 10 I wanted to be a beautician. I outgrew that by high school. Those are not very good aspirations in my book. Again, she’s only 21. When I was in school I did not like cheerleaders. They were very peppy, very pretty, very skinny, and very popular and made me feel like crap about myself. Most of them thought they were better than everyone else and pranced around as such. Boys fawned all over them and pretty much ignored me. Here we go with the low self-esteem again. The cheerleaders were very girly, which I am not. Yes, I recognize that this is a horrible generalization on my part but it was my life in high school. I really wasn’t sure this donor was right for us with all of my pre-conceived notions of her personality.
Then I started to think about the positives. She has the cleanest medical history. Her family has the cleanest medical history. Her physical traits are what I was looking for (the only criteria we entered was our skin color). She is short, blondish, green eyes (I thought blue but I was mistaken) and a nice smile. She has regular periods, states she’s never done a drug or smoked and doesn’t even drink. I am also pretty straight laced. I rarely drink and when I do I’m a light weight for sure. I’ve never smoked or done any drugs. She looks and sounds like the all-American girl. The fact that she is adopted also struck a chord with me. I started to think about that aspect of her life. If someone is adopted and willing to help another family have a child that they are not 100% genetically linked to seems to speak volumes. I started to wonder about the whole adoption thing. She stated that she knows the genetic history of her biological family so I was curious how that came about...was it an open adoption? Did she find her bio-parents when she turned 18 (or before)? I felt like I needed to know that answer for some reason. I hoped that there was a way of finding that out. Nothing really revealing was in her personal essay, either. The only thing that stuck with me was that she wanted to build her hair clientele so that she can make people feel good about themselves. The more I thought about that statement the more I realized that she seems like a very sweet girl. Being a stylist is really about making women (and men) feel beautiful and helping them to love the way they look...something I have struggled with my whole life. Wanting people to love the way they look and build their self -esteem is not a bad trait to have at all. Epiphany reached.
All of these crazy thoughts were whirling around my head and then all of a sudden the pieces just came together. There was no reason not to pick this donor. I talked with BJ again at lunch and told him that when I got back to my desk I was going to select her as long as he was still positive he was fine with her. He reiterated that he was fine with her. Then the nerves set in. I couldn’t eat my lunch. I got back to my desk and was afraid she’d be gone from the list and almost had a panic attack logging into the website. She was there and so I selected her. There was a place for me to ask questions and so I asked about the circumstances of the adoption. My coordinator contacted the donor right away and the answer is that her step-mother adopted her as a child and that she sees her biological mother all the time. Mystery solved.
My coordinator e-mailed me my confirmation with some additional follow up steps and a copy of the profile. BJ and I were talking about the donor’s adoption and I told him the story. We figure that her bio-mother must have signed over her parental rights in order for her step-mother to be able to adopt her. We wonder about the circumstances of how that transpired all those years ago. The conclusion we came to is that if she was adopted by her step-mother and still has a seemingly decent relationship with her bio-mother...she probably had a very unique upbringing and even though the money is good for donors she is still willing to give that very important cell away to 3 other women so that we may have children of our own (hopefully). She seems like the perfect choice. Anyone that can grow up in that kind of situation and still want to help others build a family in an “unconventional” way can’t be bad in my book.
And now we wait. There are 2 of us waiting and we have a 30 day window of time for the 3rd recipient to choose the donor. If that doesn’t happen, we move forward at that time. Thank you all for your encouraging words and advice. I feel good about this...even though I’m still a bit nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I think we made the right choice and I can’t wait to get started.
I’m going to lay a lot out here right now and some of it might sound shallow and just plain ridiculous, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out. I have to put these thoughts on paper to better help me deal with them. Maybe what I’m feeling is not so strange. Maybe there are others that feel this way too and maybe by putting it out there I can help someone deal with their own feelings.
I have a lot of insecurities about myself. I have very low self-esteem. Fighting IF has not helped those feelings diminish. In fact, as many of you know, IF can really put a woman in a bad place. Knowing that my husband is having another child with another woman (yes, he’s really having it with me...like I said, some of these thoughts are ridiculous) is hard to handle. She’s a very cute 21 year old and I can’t help but wonder what my husband thought when he looked at her pictures. She was/is a cheerleader and one of her pictures is her in her cheer outfit. I have these horrible thoughts of my husband fantasizing about her. How sick is that? There’s no worse feeling for me than to feel inferior to another woman. I have always felt like I just wasn’t good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not enough boobs, not tall enough...the list goes on and on. I hate that I have these insecurities but they are a part of my life and I don’t see them disappearing any time soon. I find it crazy that I was sitting on the couch next to my husband looking at pictures of these cute young girls trying to figure out who will be the right fit for me, for us. It’s so, so, so....I don’t know. It was so strange to ask him if he thought she was pretty...I didn’t want an answer but at the same time I wanted him to say something like, “sure, but not as pretty as you.” That didn’t happen. He just said, “Yeah”. That is a fine answer...and it keeps him out of trouble. So all this searching (all 9 profiles) brought up a lot of physical insecurities I have about myself. I know it’s crazy but I really hate the way I look right now after looking at these pretty young girls with lots of eggs and great functioning ovaries. One thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other and yet I have equated them. Nice going, TeeJay.
Some other struggles I had with this donor was that she is a cheerleader and likes to do hair and went to cosmetology school. She is only 21 so I don’t know what I was expecting but I can tell you that I was hoping for a little more. Granted, when I was 10 I wanted to be a beautician. I outgrew that by high school. Those are not very good aspirations in my book. Again, she’s only 21. When I was in school I did not like cheerleaders. They were very peppy, very pretty, very skinny, and very popular and made me feel like crap about myself. Most of them thought they were better than everyone else and pranced around as such. Boys fawned all over them and pretty much ignored me. Here we go with the low self-esteem again. The cheerleaders were very girly, which I am not. Yes, I recognize that this is a horrible generalization on my part but it was my life in high school. I really wasn’t sure this donor was right for us with all of my pre-conceived notions of her personality.
Then I started to think about the positives. She has the cleanest medical history. Her family has the cleanest medical history. Her physical traits are what I was looking for (the only criteria we entered was our skin color). She is short, blondish, green eyes (I thought blue but I was mistaken) and a nice smile. She has regular periods, states she’s never done a drug or smoked and doesn’t even drink. I am also pretty straight laced. I rarely drink and when I do I’m a light weight for sure. I’ve never smoked or done any drugs. She looks and sounds like the all-American girl. The fact that she is adopted also struck a chord with me. I started to think about that aspect of her life. If someone is adopted and willing to help another family have a child that they are not 100% genetically linked to seems to speak volumes. I started to wonder about the whole adoption thing. She stated that she knows the genetic history of her biological family so I was curious how that came about...was it an open adoption? Did she find her bio-parents when she turned 18 (or before)? I felt like I needed to know that answer for some reason. I hoped that there was a way of finding that out. Nothing really revealing was in her personal essay, either. The only thing that stuck with me was that she wanted to build her hair clientele so that she can make people feel good about themselves. The more I thought about that statement the more I realized that she seems like a very sweet girl. Being a stylist is really about making women (and men) feel beautiful and helping them to love the way they look...something I have struggled with my whole life. Wanting people to love the way they look and build their self -esteem is not a bad trait to have at all. Epiphany reached.
All of these crazy thoughts were whirling around my head and then all of a sudden the pieces just came together. There was no reason not to pick this donor. I talked with BJ again at lunch and told him that when I got back to my desk I was going to select her as long as he was still positive he was fine with her. He reiterated that he was fine with her. Then the nerves set in. I couldn’t eat my lunch. I got back to my desk and was afraid she’d be gone from the list and almost had a panic attack logging into the website. She was there and so I selected her. There was a place for me to ask questions and so I asked about the circumstances of the adoption. My coordinator contacted the donor right away and the answer is that her step-mother adopted her as a child and that she sees her biological mother all the time. Mystery solved.
My coordinator e-mailed me my confirmation with some additional follow up steps and a copy of the profile. BJ and I were talking about the donor’s adoption and I told him the story. We figure that her bio-mother must have signed over her parental rights in order for her step-mother to be able to adopt her. We wonder about the circumstances of how that transpired all those years ago. The conclusion we came to is that if she was adopted by her step-mother and still has a seemingly decent relationship with her bio-mother...she probably had a very unique upbringing and even though the money is good for donors she is still willing to give that very important cell away to 3 other women so that we may have children of our own (hopefully). She seems like the perfect choice. Anyone that can grow up in that kind of situation and still want to help others build a family in an “unconventional” way can’t be bad in my book.
And now we wait. There are 2 of us waiting and we have a 30 day window of time for the 3rd recipient to choose the donor. If that doesn’t happen, we move forward at that time. Thank you all for your encouraging words and advice. I feel good about this...even though I’m still a bit nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I think we made the right choice and I can’t wait to get started.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Welcome ICLW Readers
In the midst of the sadness that has gripped the blog world the last few days, it actually turns out to be ICLW. This community is all about leaving “virtual hugs” through comments and our dear friend Mo and her husband need that more than ever right now. I’m pretty sure she is not signed up so if you can click on this link and just leave her a kind word or two that would be great.
I haven’t participated in ICLW for a very long time. I was not in a very good place and I felt like I didn’t have much to share. Since we have stepped into the world of donor eggs I feel like I need to make some new connections. I would like to meet some new bloggers that I have this in common with. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the bloggy buddies that I have currently. I just need to connect with some women that have walked or are walking this same path.
My story is listed on the side bar to the right. It’s a bit long but not out of the ordinary in the IF world. I received a phone call from the donor coordinator yesterday that we have passed all of our tests with flying colors! I received my permanent password for the donor database. I was so excited to be able to move forward. When I logged in I was a bit let down to see that only 9 donors were on the list. The reason for this? We have chosen to go ahead with 1:3 donation and I guess the pool is much smaller for that program. Of the 9, BJ and I found 1 that we probably will go with. We were afraid to pick her last night because I know how quickly the pool can change. I also know that we can’t be too picky or we will never get this show on the road.
About the donor: She is 21, blonde, short, blue eyes. She is also adopted but claims to know the full medical history of her bio parents. She wants to be a hairstylist and open her own salon. She was a cheerleader in high school and she’s pretty. One recipient has already chosen her. They need 2 more in order to cycle. BJ and I weren’t sure what to do last night. I don’t want to jump in head first but I don’t want to delay because I’ve already seen 2 donors that I liked disappear in mere hours. I think we will need to talk about this again tonight and make a decision on whether to choose her or to move on.
If you have been in my shoes, how quickly were able to choose a donor? How selective were you? How did you feel after you chose your donor? One part of me wants to select her right now because there are some pretty serious issues that we have with the other 8 in the pool. However, there is a part of me that wants to wait a day or 2 to see if any new selections become available. This is such a huge decision and I just want to make the right choice. Wow, this just got very real and very heavy.
I haven’t participated in ICLW for a very long time. I was not in a very good place and I felt like I didn’t have much to share. Since we have stepped into the world of donor eggs I feel like I need to make some new connections. I would like to meet some new bloggers that I have this in common with. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the bloggy buddies that I have currently. I just need to connect with some women that have walked or are walking this same path.
My story is listed on the side bar to the right. It’s a bit long but not out of the ordinary in the IF world. I received a phone call from the donor coordinator yesterday that we have passed all of our tests with flying colors! I received my permanent password for the donor database. I was so excited to be able to move forward. When I logged in I was a bit let down to see that only 9 donors were on the list. The reason for this? We have chosen to go ahead with 1:3 donation and I guess the pool is much smaller for that program. Of the 9, BJ and I found 1 that we probably will go with. We were afraid to pick her last night because I know how quickly the pool can change. I also know that we can’t be too picky or we will never get this show on the road.
About the donor: She is 21, blonde, short, blue eyes. She is also adopted but claims to know the full medical history of her bio parents. She wants to be a hairstylist and open her own salon. She was a cheerleader in high school and she’s pretty. One recipient has already chosen her. They need 2 more in order to cycle. BJ and I weren’t sure what to do last night. I don’t want to jump in head first but I don’t want to delay because I’ve already seen 2 donors that I liked disappear in mere hours. I think we will need to talk about this again tonight and make a decision on whether to choose her or to move on.
If you have been in my shoes, how quickly were able to choose a donor? How selective were you? How did you feel after you chose your donor? One part of me wants to select her right now because there are some pretty serious issues that we have with the other 8 in the pool. However, there is a part of me that wants to wait a day or 2 to see if any new selections become available. This is such a huge decision and I just want to make the right choice. Wow, this just got very real and very heavy.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Unbelievable
It really is unbelievable how much loss some people are expected to endure. I’m not even sure who expects the endurance but someone/something really lays a lot on some folks.
I’m sure everyone has read about the tragedy that is happening to Mo of Mommy Odyssey right now. If you have a moment, please pop on over to her blog and offer whatever support you can to her and her family right now. What they are going through really is unbelievable. When I first read about it I was dumfounded. I had to re-read it over and over to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.
Mo and I have found comfort in each other. I’ve sent her numerous “crazy lady” e-mails and she has always managed to bring me back to sanity and helped level my emotions. We send words of encouragement to each other through our Words with Friends game that we play. She’s a very lovely woman. She’s suffered great losses over the last 2 years or so. She is now in the throes of yet another tragedy. Something I don’t think anyone saw coming or could have predicted. Her pregnancy has not been an easy one, however, it was progressing fairly well and that to even contemplate a problem of this nature was unthinkable, at least to me.
I’m so pissed off. I’m so fucking mad that this has happened to her. I hate the bad things that can come in and take over. IF sucks enough on its own and ruins enough lives...why make it worse? Why let a mother see her child on an ultrasound and feel him kicking and wriggling around and then pull the rug out from under her and take him away? It makes no fucking sense and I’m still having a hard time believing it. I know it’s true, I read it with my own eyes...several times. I just don’t GET it. I know none of us do. There’s no explanation. There’s no reason. We have to sit idly by and watch this woman suffer an unimaginable loss. My heart is broken for her. I don’t know how she will go on. I don’t know how she could be expected to go on. The thing is, she will be expected to go on. She will be expected to endure this loss and carry on with her life. I know that life goes on. I’ve moved on from some of my own tough losses when I thought I couldn’t. Nothing compares to what Mo is going through right now but I know a little about life changing loss. Most people don’t understand. Most people just pat you on the back and say things like “well, everything happens for a reason.” I say fuck that. Sometimes things just happen and there is no damned reason behind it. Sorry, can you tell I’m very angry right now?
I’m also so very sad for my friend. She didn’t deserve this. She deserves to bring her baby boy home alive and well. She deserves to put her anxiety to rest when she holds her baby and kisses his forehead and his little fingers and toes. My heart breaks because all of that was taken from her. And to make it worse, I’ve been telling her to try and relax and enjoy her pregnancy and not let the fear take over the joy. What a fail that was on my part. I guess no one is ever really safe in their pregnancy until that baby comes out healthy. I wish I could hold her hand and hug her and rock her while she cries. I wish I could give her strength to get through this. She needs help. She needs support. She’s half a world away from me and all I can do is send her an e-mail. I feel so helpless.
Please pray (or whatever your preference may be) for Mo and her husband. Please send them strength and courage to get through this. They are probably feeling hopeless, helpless and full of despair...all things that are perfectly normal right now. They need to know that we are all here for them in their time of need and that we really, truly care for them.
Thanks for letting me rant and vent.
I’m sure everyone has read about the tragedy that is happening to Mo of Mommy Odyssey right now. If you have a moment, please pop on over to her blog and offer whatever support you can to her and her family right now. What they are going through really is unbelievable. When I first read about it I was dumfounded. I had to re-read it over and over to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.
Mo and I have found comfort in each other. I’ve sent her numerous “crazy lady” e-mails and she has always managed to bring me back to sanity and helped level my emotions. We send words of encouragement to each other through our Words with Friends game that we play. She’s a very lovely woman. She’s suffered great losses over the last 2 years or so. She is now in the throes of yet another tragedy. Something I don’t think anyone saw coming or could have predicted. Her pregnancy has not been an easy one, however, it was progressing fairly well and that to even contemplate a problem of this nature was unthinkable, at least to me.
I’m so pissed off. I’m so fucking mad that this has happened to her. I hate the bad things that can come in and take over. IF sucks enough on its own and ruins enough lives...why make it worse? Why let a mother see her child on an ultrasound and feel him kicking and wriggling around and then pull the rug out from under her and take him away? It makes no fucking sense and I’m still having a hard time believing it. I know it’s true, I read it with my own eyes...several times. I just don’t GET it. I know none of us do. There’s no explanation. There’s no reason. We have to sit idly by and watch this woman suffer an unimaginable loss. My heart is broken for her. I don’t know how she will go on. I don’t know how she could be expected to go on. The thing is, she will be expected to go on. She will be expected to endure this loss and carry on with her life. I know that life goes on. I’ve moved on from some of my own tough losses when I thought I couldn’t. Nothing compares to what Mo is going through right now but I know a little about life changing loss. Most people don’t understand. Most people just pat you on the back and say things like “well, everything happens for a reason.” I say fuck that. Sometimes things just happen and there is no damned reason behind it. Sorry, can you tell I’m very angry right now?
I’m also so very sad for my friend. She didn’t deserve this. She deserves to bring her baby boy home alive and well. She deserves to put her anxiety to rest when she holds her baby and kisses his forehead and his little fingers and toes. My heart breaks because all of that was taken from her. And to make it worse, I’ve been telling her to try and relax and enjoy her pregnancy and not let the fear take over the joy. What a fail that was on my part. I guess no one is ever really safe in their pregnancy until that baby comes out healthy. I wish I could hold her hand and hug her and rock her while she cries. I wish I could give her strength to get through this. She needs help. She needs support. She’s half a world away from me and all I can do is send her an e-mail. I feel so helpless.
Please pray (or whatever your preference may be) for Mo and her husband. Please send them strength and courage to get through this. They are probably feeling hopeless, helpless and full of despair...all things that are perfectly normal right now. They need to know that we are all here for them in their time of need and that we really, truly care for them.
Thanks for letting me rant and vent.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Bittersweet Gift
I think I’ve mentioned here that I like to scrapbook. If not, then I’m mentioning it now. My SIL got me into it in late 2008. I thought it would be fun for the LG and for us to be able to look back through old pictures. I love doing that when I go to my parents’ house. I had never done it before and so I had a lot to learn...I’m still learning, actually. I had wondrous plans for making a baby album. Especially after seeing all the cute baby paper and stickers and such. I’ve always loved taking pictures of people and never really did anything with those pictures so it was the perfect hobby for me.
I dove in head first. I hit the Internet and bought oodles of tools and kits and such. We started our first few rounds of fertility treatments about this same time. I worked diligently on our wedding album. I decided that it was good to get my feet wet with a project that had a beginning and an end. I fell in love with scrapping. I went to all day crop events and just submerged myself in all things scrapping.
When we failed at our first IVF I was crushed, of course. I was also crushed that I wouldn’t be able to do a baby album...an album full of belly shots and first hospital pictures and the first time family would hold our baby. When I went to crops I would say at least 1/3 of the women there were working on baby albums. They chatted about everything baby and pregnancy and labor and I never had anything to add. A hobby that I thought would bring me friends was alienating me even more. When I did meet new people they would ask me how old my son was and I’d have to fess up that he’s my step-son. They didn’t usually have much more to say to me after that. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant with him, I didn’t birth him and I wasn’t a SAHM (which many of them are) that volunteered at school and went on field trips. It was fun to go to these events but at the same time it sucked.
Just before we were about to embark on our 2nd IVF, my SIL gave me a stack of pictures from the day the LG was born. She said she didn’t know if I wanted them but she thought I might like to at least look at them and give them to the LG. I had a brilliant idea. I’d make a special baby album for the LG. I’m sure his mother has one for him but this one would be different...it would be made by ME. As I was looking at those pictures I was happy because seeing my husband so young and happy made me smile. At the same time I was bitter because he was with another woman in those pictures...she gave him a baby and she made him smile like that...I was afraid I would never share that with him. I even bought the baby boy album kit to get started on this gift for the LG. It was supposed to be his 10th birthday present.
When I saw those 2 lines on that hpt I couldn’t have been happier. Not only was I excited about being able to join the Mommy Club, I was excited about all the scrapping that I’d get to do. I know it must sound corny, but that is the way my brain thinks now. Everything relates to scrapping somehow. I keep most of those thoughts to myself, though, otherwise people might take for a loony bird. Then my world fell apart and I lost that brief feeling of happiness. I put the LG’s album on hold. I just could not bring myself to look at those pictures. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I’m sure that all you IF’s can understand that feeling. I went to a crop in May and reluctantly continued working on the album. My heart was not in it. I was exhausted by the time I left and not from working...from fighting back the tears I wanted to cry and the anguish I was feeling. I didn’t pick it up again until October. I just couldn’t do it. It was so painful to see him as a baby and see his mother smiling with MY husband by her side....it killed me inside. BJ didn’t really understand. He kept saying, “What’s the big deal? It’s pictures of (LG).” I would try to explain it to him but he didn’t get it...not really.
In October I decided that I better get my butt in gear because I had missed the LG’s birthday and so the album would now have to be a Christmas present. Oh, and in September I signed up to be an Independent Creative Memories consultant! So exciting and scary at the same time. They came out with a way to digitally create a traditional album cover and I knew that I had to make one for the LG’s album. The kit I had bought came with a baby blue coverset which was fine, but I LOVE the personalization of the customized album cover. It turned out great! Time was of the essence now that I had the album cover. I finally finished the album on Christmas Eve! I wrapped it up and put it under the tree. BJ looked through it before I wrapped it and really liked it. The LG unwrapped it and paged through it pretty quickly. BJ was quick to tell him how much time I had spent on it. I knew he wouldn’t be very excited about it because it wasn’t a video game but I still got a big hug out of it.
I know he will better appreciate it when he’s older. If we end up telling him that his brother/sister (please don’t let that be a jinx!) was created with the help of doctors because we really thought we couldn’t have babies, then I hope he will really understand how hard it was for me to make that album for him during this time of struggling. Like I said, I’m sure his mother has made something for him but hopefully he understands how much love went into this album. On the off chance she doesn’t have anything for him then I think he (and his future wife and children) will really appreciate this gift. It was the most bittersweet gift I have ever given anyone and no one was more deserving than him.
I dove in head first. I hit the Internet and bought oodles of tools and kits and such. We started our first few rounds of fertility treatments about this same time. I worked diligently on our wedding album. I decided that it was good to get my feet wet with a project that had a beginning and an end. I fell in love with scrapping. I went to all day crop events and just submerged myself in all things scrapping.
When we failed at our first IVF I was crushed, of course. I was also crushed that I wouldn’t be able to do a baby album...an album full of belly shots and first hospital pictures and the first time family would hold our baby. When I went to crops I would say at least 1/3 of the women there were working on baby albums. They chatted about everything baby and pregnancy and labor and I never had anything to add. A hobby that I thought would bring me friends was alienating me even more. When I did meet new people they would ask me how old my son was and I’d have to fess up that he’s my step-son. They didn’t usually have much more to say to me after that. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant with him, I didn’t birth him and I wasn’t a SAHM (which many of them are) that volunteered at school and went on field trips. It was fun to go to these events but at the same time it sucked.
Just before we were about to embark on our 2nd IVF, my SIL gave me a stack of pictures from the day the LG was born. She said she didn’t know if I wanted them but she thought I might like to at least look at them and give them to the LG. I had a brilliant idea. I’d make a special baby album for the LG. I’m sure his mother has one for him but this one would be different...it would be made by ME. As I was looking at those pictures I was happy because seeing my husband so young and happy made me smile. At the same time I was bitter because he was with another woman in those pictures...she gave him a baby and she made him smile like that...I was afraid I would never share that with him. I even bought the baby boy album kit to get started on this gift for the LG. It was supposed to be his 10th birthday present.
When I saw those 2 lines on that hpt I couldn’t have been happier. Not only was I excited about being able to join the Mommy Club, I was excited about all the scrapping that I’d get to do. I know it must sound corny, but that is the way my brain thinks now. Everything relates to scrapping somehow. I keep most of those thoughts to myself, though, otherwise people might take for a loony bird. Then my world fell apart and I lost that brief feeling of happiness. I put the LG’s album on hold. I just could not bring myself to look at those pictures. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I’m sure that all you IF’s can understand that feeling. I went to a crop in May and reluctantly continued working on the album. My heart was not in it. I was exhausted by the time I left and not from working...from fighting back the tears I wanted to cry and the anguish I was feeling. I didn’t pick it up again until October. I just couldn’t do it. It was so painful to see him as a baby and see his mother smiling with MY husband by her side....it killed me inside. BJ didn’t really understand. He kept saying, “What’s the big deal? It’s pictures of (LG).” I would try to explain it to him but he didn’t get it...not really.
In October I decided that I better get my butt in gear because I had missed the LG’s birthday and so the album would now have to be a Christmas present. Oh, and in September I signed up to be an Independent Creative Memories consultant! So exciting and scary at the same time. They came out with a way to digitally create a traditional album cover and I knew that I had to make one for the LG’s album. The kit I had bought came with a baby blue coverset which was fine, but I LOVE the personalization of the customized album cover. It turned out great! Time was of the essence now that I had the album cover. I finally finished the album on Christmas Eve! I wrapped it up and put it under the tree. BJ looked through it before I wrapped it and really liked it. The LG unwrapped it and paged through it pretty quickly. BJ was quick to tell him how much time I had spent on it. I knew he wouldn’t be very excited about it because it wasn’t a video game but I still got a big hug out of it.
I know he will better appreciate it when he’s older. If we end up telling him that his brother/sister (please don’t let that be a jinx!) was created with the help of doctors because we really thought we couldn’t have babies, then I hope he will really understand how hard it was for me to make that album for him during this time of struggling. Like I said, I’m sure his mother has made something for him but hopefully he understands how much love went into this album. On the off chance she doesn’t have anything for him then I think he (and his future wife and children) will really appreciate this gift. It was the most bittersweet gift I have ever given anyone and no one was more deserving than him.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
What I Learned from my Mock Transfer
I learned that I still have an unremarkable, ordinary, nothing worth talking about uterus. In other words, it’s perfectly normal. Hell yeah!
I also learned that it’s not good to hold your pee. Yep, that’s right ladies. Dr. M asked me how badly I needed to “go”. And I told him that I went when I got there but that I drank water on the way up because I couldn’t remember if I needed a full bladder or not and that I’d been waiting for about 20 minutes so the bladder was filling up again. He said that by looking at how full my bladder was I should have to go pretty badly. He said that it’s not good to hold it because it makes your bladder larger over time and when it fills it gets pretty heavy. He says that it can cause problems later in life. His advice is to try and keep the bladder as empty as possible by going as soon as we feel that we have to...not to wait until we have to go badly. Makes sense to me. Now tell that to my job that often keeps me at my desk until I feel like I could burst. I will try to heed his warning as I do not want a leaky bladder down the road. :-)
I have sent 3 e-mails to the financial coordinator to set up a phone consult. I haven’t heard a peep from her. While at my mock this morning I spoke with my “old” financial coordinator and she gave me the number of the Team Leader and suggested I call her since I have not heard back from the other lady. I called and left her a voicemail. About an hour ago I received a call from one of the team members. She began telling me what I needed to do before I can get my full time password to the database. As she’s telling me things (see counselor, get Mock ET) I’m telling her that I have already done all of that. She’s impressed. She said that we need to get our Infectious Disease testing done even though it hasn’t been a year since we got it done. It’s close enough as we did it last year on 2/22. She will send me lab forms. The next thing was the financial consult. I told her what I had been up to on that front and she said she would speak with A (the girl I left a message with today) to make sure she gets back to me.
So ladies, I guess we are inching even closer to making this a reality. I have a post in my head that I’m working on about this but I just haven’t had the time to get it out on paper. Hopefully very soon as I have some things I need to work through and hearing from others might help me do that.
On another note, the Superbowl party went very well. At the end of the night, however, one of our neighbors decided to drop her Pyrex glass pie plate full of buffalo dip on our ceramic floor. Needless to say we had about 2,000 pieces of glass to sweep up and then vacuum up because the broom just didn’t get it all. She’s not one of my favorite people anyway and this just irritated me. Thankfully, she did not crack our tile. I was not sad to see her leave. And believe it or not, I do have other things going on in my life that I’d like to write about if I could find the time. There’s lots to share...like about the house, my scrapping hobby, the LG, the LG’s mother etc. I’m hoping to start putting some posts together as my life does not fully revolve around trying to get knocked up. :-)
I also learned that it’s not good to hold your pee. Yep, that’s right ladies. Dr. M asked me how badly I needed to “go”. And I told him that I went when I got there but that I drank water on the way up because I couldn’t remember if I needed a full bladder or not and that I’d been waiting for about 20 minutes so the bladder was filling up again. He said that by looking at how full my bladder was I should have to go pretty badly. He said that it’s not good to hold it because it makes your bladder larger over time and when it fills it gets pretty heavy. He says that it can cause problems later in life. His advice is to try and keep the bladder as empty as possible by going as soon as we feel that we have to...not to wait until we have to go badly. Makes sense to me. Now tell that to my job that often keeps me at my desk until I feel like I could burst. I will try to heed his warning as I do not want a leaky bladder down the road. :-)
I have sent 3 e-mails to the financial coordinator to set up a phone consult. I haven’t heard a peep from her. While at my mock this morning I spoke with my “old” financial coordinator and she gave me the number of the Team Leader and suggested I call her since I have not heard back from the other lady. I called and left her a voicemail. About an hour ago I received a call from one of the team members. She began telling me what I needed to do before I can get my full time password to the database. As she’s telling me things (see counselor, get Mock ET) I’m telling her that I have already done all of that. She’s impressed. She said that we need to get our Infectious Disease testing done even though it hasn’t been a year since we got it done. It’s close enough as we did it last year on 2/22. She will send me lab forms. The next thing was the financial consult. I told her what I had been up to on that front and she said she would speak with A (the girl I left a message with today) to make sure she gets back to me.
So ladies, I guess we are inching even closer to making this a reality. I have a post in my head that I’m working on about this but I just haven’t had the time to get it out on paper. Hopefully very soon as I have some things I need to work through and hearing from others might help me do that.
On another note, the Superbowl party went very well. At the end of the night, however, one of our neighbors decided to drop her Pyrex glass pie plate full of buffalo dip on our ceramic floor. Needless to say we had about 2,000 pieces of glass to sweep up and then vacuum up because the broom just didn’t get it all. She’s not one of my favorite people anyway and this just irritated me. Thankfully, she did not crack our tile. I was not sad to see her leave. And believe it or not, I do have other things going on in my life that I’d like to write about if I could find the time. There’s lots to share...like about the house, my scrapping hobby, the LG, the LG’s mother etc. I’m hoping to start putting some posts together as my life does not fully revolve around trying to get knocked up. :-)
Friday, February 3, 2012
Waiting Patiently...Yeah Right
I got antsy yesterday and called the clinic to ask who my donor coordinator is going to be. The receptionist did not know but said she’d check my chart to see if anything had been noted. She came back on the line and said she’d have to have Dr. M call me when he was finished with his current patient. Cue panic mode. I thought for sure that he left some sort of note saying that we can’t do this. He finally called me back over an hour later and explained that he just hadn’t processed all the necessary papers yet. WHEW. He said I’d hear from someone by tomorrow (Friday, today).
I’ve been on pins and needles all day...carrying my phone with me everywhere. I was even tempted to call again and that is so NOT like me. I don’t like to make a fuss or be a squeaky wheel. He said it’d get done and that should be enough, right?
I got the call almost 2 hours ago. However, it was not from MY coordinator. It was just the lead coordinator and all she did was tell me to expect a call from my team in the next 7 business days. She also told me that the financial coordinator would be e-mailing me a packet and I’d have to have a consult after I’d looked everything over. She went on to ask me if I had gotten another temporary password for the database and I had not so she is supposed to be sending me one.
I know that we can’t really get going until all of these little pieces fall into place but let me tell you, I am going a bit nuts with all this waiting. My husband is already grumpy now that I explained to him how long it could actually take to get me, the donor and 2 other recipients all synced up for just one cycle. He didn’t know it could take that long...and now there has been at least another 10 days added to the schedule. I received the financial paperwork and immediately sent an e-mail back requesting a phone consult on Monday. I’m waiting to hear back about that.
I am SO ready to get this show on the road. I’m sure ya’ll can understand where I’m coming from. I’ve been at this for so long that I don’t want to wait another second. I have no choice in the matter so I guess I will just put on my Patient Hat and try to distract myself with other things.
Speaking of other things...we had new carpet put in the office and the family room today. I can’t wait to get home to see it and walk on it. We are having some of our neighbors over for the Superbowl on Sunday. I have a very limited menu this year. It’s a lot less labor intensive than last year’s menu. To tell you the truth, I don’t even care about this game. It’s a repeat of a few years ago and I really can’t stand either team so I’ll basically be watching for the commercials. It will be nice to have people over and laugh and carry on, I suppose.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will check in next week with any updates!
I’ve been on pins and needles all day...carrying my phone with me everywhere. I was even tempted to call again and that is so NOT like me. I don’t like to make a fuss or be a squeaky wheel. He said it’d get done and that should be enough, right?
I got the call almost 2 hours ago. However, it was not from MY coordinator. It was just the lead coordinator and all she did was tell me to expect a call from my team in the next 7 business days. She also told me that the financial coordinator would be e-mailing me a packet and I’d have to have a consult after I’d looked everything over. She went on to ask me if I had gotten another temporary password for the database and I had not so she is supposed to be sending me one.
I know that we can’t really get going until all of these little pieces fall into place but let me tell you, I am going a bit nuts with all this waiting. My husband is already grumpy now that I explained to him how long it could actually take to get me, the donor and 2 other recipients all synced up for just one cycle. He didn’t know it could take that long...and now there has been at least another 10 days added to the schedule. I received the financial paperwork and immediately sent an e-mail back requesting a phone consult on Monday. I’m waiting to hear back about that.
I am SO ready to get this show on the road. I’m sure ya’ll can understand where I’m coming from. I’ve been at this for so long that I don’t want to wait another second. I have no choice in the matter so I guess I will just put on my Patient Hat and try to distract myself with other things.
Speaking of other things...we had new carpet put in the office and the family room today. I can’t wait to get home to see it and walk on it. We are having some of our neighbors over for the Superbowl on Sunday. I have a very limited menu this year. It’s a lot less labor intensive than last year’s menu. To tell you the truth, I don’t even care about this game. It’s a repeat of a few years ago and I really can’t stand either team so I’ll basically be watching for the commercials. It will be nice to have people over and laugh and carry on, I suppose.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will check in next week with any updates!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Moving in the Right Direction
Our appointment went great yesterday! Dr. M was really impressed with my knowledge on how a DE cycle works. What did he think....that I was coming in blind on the whole process? Sheesh. He also thinks it’s a GREAT idea to do the shared risk program. Hell yeah! He asked me where I am in my cycle and I proudly declared that I’m on day 3. He said that I should schedule my mock ET next week and he gave me a pack of bcp and samples of pre-natal vitamins. He told me that we have to start with the psychologist and sit down with her for an hour or so and then the donor coordinator would be in touch. I was worried that we’d have to wait to make that appointment and that BJ would have to miss work again but I was right on the phone with her as soon as we left Dr. M’s office. She saw us yesterday at 11:00. Now I’m waiting for the donor coordinator to call me to really get started. He doesn’t see any reason why this won’t work for us. I just need the mock to go well. It should, as it always has, but things inside the body can change. My mock is next Thursday. Yay!
I was hoping to meet with coordinator yesterday but that’s not how it worked out so I have to wait for them to call me. Needless to say my cell phone will not be leaving my side over the next couple of days.
The counselor appointment was interesting. Her business card says she is a social worker. Several diplomas on her wall show that she specializes in infertility. She is also a sufferer of infertility...she went through treatments for 10 years. She has biological children and an adopted daughter. I didn’t ask a lot of questions but it was nice to know that she’s been there/here. We covered the grieving process a little bit. We covered how there is no “perfect” match. We talked a bit about what to tell the child and other people in our lives. We touched on some books that will help with that when/if the time comes. She made it clear that it is our choice of how much information we share. She pointed out that the donor is just that, a donor and nothing more. The word she suggested for a young child to understand is “helper”. I liked that one. Then came the tough questions. What would we feel comfortable doing should the baby have a severe defect? We agreed that it depended upon what the defect was. She brought up Down’s and how there is no way to know how severe it is until after birth. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could terminate my child. I had a severely handicapped brother that I can’t imagine my life without. I would like to think that I could handle anything. BJ was pretty quiet at that point. I think he feels differently than I do on that subject. We agreed, however, that quality of the life of the child would be our main concern. I told him that I wondered what he would have done had the LG’s heart defect been discovered in utero. There was no answer. Sometimes you have to take a chance. The LG is fine, and wonderful and healthy. He had a rough start and it was stressful but you can’t just terminate on the “what ifs”. The next subject she brought up was not as tricky. She said (as did Dr. M) that they will transfer one 5 day blast in everyone’s best interest. I agreed. She then asked me what I thought if, down the road, say on my 4th or 5th transfer they suggested doing 2? I said it’s not ideal, but I would take them both and we would have to figure out how to handle 2 babies. Then she asked what would happen if one of them split? She said, “What if you were carrying triplets? Doing so puts you and the babies at risk...Dr. M would not be happy about this and he would want to reduce.” BJ spoke up and said that he would reduce by one to save me and to give our children the best possible chance. I agreed with him. I told her it would kill me to do that but it would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Covering these last two topics almost brought me to tears on more than one occasion. I know it’s her job but it made me feel like there was a right and wrong answer and that whatever I said would determine what report she gave to Dr. M. I know that is not the case (at least I hope) but it was something I thought about. She was very nice and very funny and we were at ease in her office. I’m glad we got that out of the way. Oh, and when I called her to make the appointment, she told me that her fee is $250 and she does not take credit cards. That was a shocker. She cashed our check as soon as we left apparently, too, because it has already cleared our bank.
We are on our way. I won’t fully breathe a sigh of relief until I get the all clear after my mock next week. However, I’m already on cloud 9. I can’t help it. It felt like the biggest hurdle was Dr. M and we sailed through that meeting with flyer colors. Now for more waiting. That’s the name of the game, right?
I was hoping to meet with coordinator yesterday but that’s not how it worked out so I have to wait for them to call me. Needless to say my cell phone will not be leaving my side over the next couple of days.
The counselor appointment was interesting. Her business card says she is a social worker. Several diplomas on her wall show that she specializes in infertility. She is also a sufferer of infertility...she went through treatments for 10 years. She has biological children and an adopted daughter. I didn’t ask a lot of questions but it was nice to know that she’s been there/here. We covered the grieving process a little bit. We covered how there is no “perfect” match. We talked a bit about what to tell the child and other people in our lives. We touched on some books that will help with that when/if the time comes. She made it clear that it is our choice of how much information we share. She pointed out that the donor is just that, a donor and nothing more. The word she suggested for a young child to understand is “helper”. I liked that one. Then came the tough questions. What would we feel comfortable doing should the baby have a severe defect? We agreed that it depended upon what the defect was. She brought up Down’s and how there is no way to know how severe it is until after birth. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could terminate my child. I had a severely handicapped brother that I can’t imagine my life without. I would like to think that I could handle anything. BJ was pretty quiet at that point. I think he feels differently than I do on that subject. We agreed, however, that quality of the life of the child would be our main concern. I told him that I wondered what he would have done had the LG’s heart defect been discovered in utero. There was no answer. Sometimes you have to take a chance. The LG is fine, and wonderful and healthy. He had a rough start and it was stressful but you can’t just terminate on the “what ifs”. The next subject she brought up was not as tricky. She said (as did Dr. M) that they will transfer one 5 day blast in everyone’s best interest. I agreed. She then asked me what I thought if, down the road, say on my 4th or 5th transfer they suggested doing 2? I said it’s not ideal, but I would take them both and we would have to figure out how to handle 2 babies. Then she asked what would happen if one of them split? She said, “What if you were carrying triplets? Doing so puts you and the babies at risk...Dr. M would not be happy about this and he would want to reduce.” BJ spoke up and said that he would reduce by one to save me and to give our children the best possible chance. I agreed with him. I told her it would kill me to do that but it would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Covering these last two topics almost brought me to tears on more than one occasion. I know it’s her job but it made me feel like there was a right and wrong answer and that whatever I said would determine what report she gave to Dr. M. I know that is not the case (at least I hope) but it was something I thought about. She was very nice and very funny and we were at ease in her office. I’m glad we got that out of the way. Oh, and when I called her to make the appointment, she told me that her fee is $250 and she does not take credit cards. That was a shocker. She cashed our check as soon as we left apparently, too, because it has already cleared our bank.
We are on our way. I won’t fully breathe a sigh of relief until I get the all clear after my mock next week. However, I’m already on cloud 9. I can’t help it. It felt like the biggest hurdle was Dr. M and we sailed through that meeting with flyer colors. Now for more waiting. That’s the name of the game, right?
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