I got so busy last week that I completely missed my blog birthday. My blog is 1 year old. It's very hard to believe that it has been a full year since I started writing.
One year ago (June 25) I was gearing up for my 2nd attempt at my first IVF. I had already had 2 failed IUI's, a canceled cycle and about 8 years of TTC under my belt. I had never been more full of hope at that point. On June 25, 2009 I started stimming. I had my ER on 7/7 and my ET on 7/10. I remember all of it like it was last week instead of last year.
One year ago, I had hope of having at least 1 baby at the end of all of this. I started writing this blog not long after I became addicted to a TTC message board. Communicating with all of the ladies on that board really gave me a sense of belonging to something. It's hard being a lady in your 30's with no children. It's such an in between point in most people's lives. I don't fit in with the young and single crowd. I don't fit in with most of the people my age because they have kids. I don't fit in with people older than me because, let's face it, I'm only in my 30's and I'm not ready to sign up for the senior special at Bob Evan's.
Finding that message board was one of the best things that could happen to me in my journey. It also was not such a good thing. I found some great ladies and got such great support from everyone. I think I even helped some women sometimes. I got educated on things I had no idea about and I got completely confused about other things that made no sense to me at the time.
I also found out that IVF is not effective for everyone. And even if it works, there's a larger than average chance of a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. Reading the stories and the comments and the posts put such a fear in me at that time. I began to doubt everything. I lost some of my hope when faced with the reality of the statistics. I started to worry and I started to fret about my IVF not working. It took a toll on me emotionally.
So I decided to pretty much vacate that board after my failure. I felt horrible for voicing all of my pain to other unsuspecting "hopefuls". I didn't feel right spilling my guts about a failed IVF. I'm sure that most of the women, like myself, joined to get support and positivity and hope. Not to be scared about failing. They needed uplifting comments, not tears. I still pop in from time to time to check on the long-timers and to read the graduate updates, but other than that, I steer pretty clear.
That is why I started this blog. I wanted a place to get out all my pain and frustration. I feel better about writing it out this way instead of on a message board where people are still hopeful and need some good news. I can write what I want, when I want and I don't have to be filtered in any way. I can talk about other stuff than my IF, and I do. I can cuss, scream and boo hoo all I want. If someone doesn't want to read that day, they don't have to. If they find me too depressing, they don't have to follow my blog. I can pour my heart out and hit post and be ok with it.
So happy birthday to my blog. I'm so glad I decided to bring you to life. You have brought me so much relief from my emotions and so many wonderful, supportive readers. Thank you, blog.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Why I've Been Absent...
Howdy, folks! I have so much to say and I will try to condense it as much as possible. I started this post last Thursday and wrote all of one sentence and then had to close down and have not been able to start again until now.
1 - Work was so busy last week. We flew 30 people in for a meeting that lasted from Friday until Sunday. I didn't have to be there but I was involved in most of the logistics of the meeting...the catering, the materials, the a/v etc. It was a lot to deal with and we were short handed on the support staff side of things.
2 - We (the Little Guy and I) went to the beach Friday with my SIL and her 3 kids. Everything was fine until we were leaving and my SIL had a major asthma attack right on the beach. Luckily there was a young man that called up to the park office to get help. They had to come get her on the John Deere Gator and take her back up (we walked down a pretty long hill to get to the water). I was in charge of all the kids and all the stuff we had brought. Her oldest son also has asthma and she was worried that he'd have an attack walking up the hill in the heat so the Gator guy came and grabbed him and was nice enough to take our cart full of stuff so that we could just concentrate on walking up. She's ok but she sure scared me. She was in the hospital earlier this year for 10 or 11 days with asthma complications so the last thing we need is her to have a relapse.
3 - Our new kitchen floor and backsplash was installed Friday. The guys arrived about 9:00am and worked their butts off until almost 9:00pm. They ran out of grout so BJ has to finish a portion of the backsplash himself. We can't put the stove back until it's done. It looks great and once BJ finishes that and puts the hardware on the cabinets I will post pictures of before and after. I love the floor and the glass tile backsplash. We weren't there all weekend so not having a stove didn't affect us until last night. Tonight we will grill salmon and steam asparagus in my steamer.
4 - We weren't home because we were offered a "free vacation" at Massanutten for 3 days and 2 nights. It's one of those time share offers where you have to sit through their sales pitch and you get to stay for free. We left Saturday morning and got back yesterday afternoon. We enjoyed ourselves. We rode go-karts, played putt-putt, went to the indoor/outdoor water park, played at the arcades, played ping pong (it was the Little Guy's first time playing), played a golf simulator, had some decent food and just enjoyed being away from home. They offered a spectacular deal but we knew going in that we weren't going to buy anything. We want to be as debt free as possible until we apply for financing for our pool.
5 - I took my OPK's with me as I was certain that I would get a positive reading while we were gone. We stayed at a 1 bedroom condo so I thought for sure that we would be able to get some BD'ing in. I tested negative Saturday and that's the night that BJ was ready to go, of course. So we tried. And we failed. He was certain that the Little Guy could hear us even though the door was shut and our TV was on. He was really close a couple of times but just lost his concentration. Just my luck. And it's also just my luck that I got my positive reading Sunday afternoon. I knew better that to even try to get anything out of him again. *sigh* I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday morning because I felt some twinges on my right ovary. My temp was up slightly this morning so I'm pretty convinced that it was yesterday. However, we were able to get some action in last night so just in case that little egg came out later than I thought, we might still have a small chance. I'll take a small chance over no chance at all.
6 - On our trip I was in my bathing suit almost all day on Sunday. I scoped out my "area" to see how the waxing was holding up. I think I have 12 hairs in all that have grown back and might (I stress might) be long enough to be waxed again. It's been over 3 weeks since I was waxed and I'm loving it.
7 - As you can imagine, I have a lot of blog reading to do. I haven't read anything since Wednesday or Thursday so I apologize for the lack of comments. I'll get back into the swing of things shortly. Keep a look out on some of your older posts for my 2 cents!
1 - Work was so busy last week. We flew 30 people in for a meeting that lasted from Friday until Sunday. I didn't have to be there but I was involved in most of the logistics of the meeting...the catering, the materials, the a/v etc. It was a lot to deal with and we were short handed on the support staff side of things.
2 - We (the Little Guy and I) went to the beach Friday with my SIL and her 3 kids. Everything was fine until we were leaving and my SIL had a major asthma attack right on the beach. Luckily there was a young man that called up to the park office to get help. They had to come get her on the John Deere Gator and take her back up (we walked down a pretty long hill to get to the water). I was in charge of all the kids and all the stuff we had brought. Her oldest son also has asthma and she was worried that he'd have an attack walking up the hill in the heat so the Gator guy came and grabbed him and was nice enough to take our cart full of stuff so that we could just concentrate on walking up. She's ok but she sure scared me. She was in the hospital earlier this year for 10 or 11 days with asthma complications so the last thing we need is her to have a relapse.
3 - Our new kitchen floor and backsplash was installed Friday. The guys arrived about 9:00am and worked their butts off until almost 9:00pm. They ran out of grout so BJ has to finish a portion of the backsplash himself. We can't put the stove back until it's done. It looks great and once BJ finishes that and puts the hardware on the cabinets I will post pictures of before and after. I love the floor and the glass tile backsplash. We weren't there all weekend so not having a stove didn't affect us until last night. Tonight we will grill salmon and steam asparagus in my steamer.
4 - We weren't home because we were offered a "free vacation" at Massanutten for 3 days and 2 nights. It's one of those time share offers where you have to sit through their sales pitch and you get to stay for free. We left Saturday morning and got back yesterday afternoon. We enjoyed ourselves. We rode go-karts, played putt-putt, went to the indoor/outdoor water park, played at the arcades, played ping pong (it was the Little Guy's first time playing), played a golf simulator, had some decent food and just enjoyed being away from home. They offered a spectacular deal but we knew going in that we weren't going to buy anything. We want to be as debt free as possible until we apply for financing for our pool.
5 - I took my OPK's with me as I was certain that I would get a positive reading while we were gone. We stayed at a 1 bedroom condo so I thought for sure that we would be able to get some BD'ing in. I tested negative Saturday and that's the night that BJ was ready to go, of course. So we tried. And we failed. He was certain that the Little Guy could hear us even though the door was shut and our TV was on. He was really close a couple of times but just lost his concentration. Just my luck. And it's also just my luck that I got my positive reading Sunday afternoon. I knew better that to even try to get anything out of him again. *sigh* I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday morning because I felt some twinges on my right ovary. My temp was up slightly this morning so I'm pretty convinced that it was yesterday. However, we were able to get some action in last night so just in case that little egg came out later than I thought, we might still have a small chance. I'll take a small chance over no chance at all.
6 - On our trip I was in my bathing suit almost all day on Sunday. I scoped out my "area" to see how the waxing was holding up. I think I have 12 hairs in all that have grown back and might (I stress might) be long enough to be waxed again. It's been over 3 weeks since I was waxed and I'm loving it.
7 - As you can imagine, I have a lot of blog reading to do. I haven't read anything since Wednesday or Thursday so I apologize for the lack of comments. I'll get back into the swing of things shortly. Keep a look out on some of your older posts for my 2 cents!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Happiness Is...
- spending Father's day with my husband and the Little Guy. We went to lunch and had some steamed crabs while chatting and looking out at the water.
- eating a frosty. I. love. frosties. I only get them once or twice a Summer, but they are soooo good and refreshing.
- having great bloggy buddies. You guys always understand and it makes me feel good to read your comments.
- a quick passing thunderstorm that waters the grass and the plants. We had one last night and it was a doozy. Thank goodness it was quick and we were never in any danger of a tornado, but it did its job and watered everything for us. Moving the sprinklers every 30 minutes to cover our freshly seeded 1 acre lot can be a pain in the butt in the evening when all you want to do is kick off your shoes and chill on the couch. Thank you Mother Nature!
- looking forward to Friday this week. I am taking off work to take the Little Guy to a local beach with his cousins and my SIL. It will be hot and sunny...perfect beach weather.
- eating a frosty. I. love. frosties. I only get them once or twice a Summer, but they are soooo good and refreshing.
- having great bloggy buddies. You guys always understand and it makes me feel good to read your comments.
- a quick passing thunderstorm that waters the grass and the plants. We had one last night and it was a doozy. Thank goodness it was quick and we were never in any danger of a tornado, but it did its job and watered everything for us. Moving the sprinklers every 30 minutes to cover our freshly seeded 1 acre lot can be a pain in the butt in the evening when all you want to do is kick off your shoes and chill on the couch. Thank you Mother Nature!
- looking forward to Friday this week. I am taking off work to take the Little Guy to a local beach with his cousins and my SIL. It will be hot and sunny...perfect beach weather.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Welcome ICLW'ers! - Take 2
I did some thinking last night and I wanted to do a follow up post to my post from yesterday.
After thinking about it, I decided that I sounded very self absorbed and insensitive when I made it out to sound like unexplained IF is harder on a person than having an actual diagnosis.
I didn't mean to come off like that. I think that ANY type of IF sucks ass. And NONE of it is easy to deal with. Not being able to get (or stay) pregnant is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and her partner. No matter the reason.
I was trying to point out that I feel jipped by my diagnosis. I feel that there IS a reason but that no one has cared enough to try and find out why. I have not had any blood work done other than CD3 and basic monitoring pre-IUI and IVF. I'd love to know what my progesterone levels are after ovulation. I'd love to know if I have a lining issue. I'd love to know a lot of things but no one (at the time) took the time to do the research on/for me. I was lumped in with everyone else. They just wanted to get me pregnant...not figure out if it's even possible to do so without more help.
Anyway, I just wanted to reiterate that I don't think I'm worse off than anyone else. We all want babies and are having a helluva time obtaining our prize. And the last thing I would want to do is offend someone looking for some support and a kindred spirit.
And on a side note...I spotted yesterday afternoon and evening. And I've been feeling a little crampy. What is THAT about?
After thinking about it, I decided that I sounded very self absorbed and insensitive when I made it out to sound like unexplained IF is harder on a person than having an actual diagnosis.
I didn't mean to come off like that. I think that ANY type of IF sucks ass. And NONE of it is easy to deal with. Not being able to get (or stay) pregnant is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and her partner. No matter the reason.
I was trying to point out that I feel jipped by my diagnosis. I feel that there IS a reason but that no one has cared enough to try and find out why. I have not had any blood work done other than CD3 and basic monitoring pre-IUI and IVF. I'd love to know what my progesterone levels are after ovulation. I'd love to know if I have a lining issue. I'd love to know a lot of things but no one (at the time) took the time to do the research on/for me. I was lumped in with everyone else. They just wanted to get me pregnant...not figure out if it's even possible to do so without more help.
Anyway, I just wanted to reiterate that I don't think I'm worse off than anyone else. We all want babies and are having a helluva time obtaining our prize. And the last thing I would want to do is offend someone looking for some support and a kindred spirit.
And on a side note...I spotted yesterday afternoon and evening. And I've been feeling a little crampy. What is THAT about?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Welcome ICLW'ers!
It's that time again...time to check out some new blogs and leave some comments and find some new friends. I have conflicting feelings about this time of the month.
I love it because I love having new people check out my blog and making new connections and I also love finding new blogs to read and follow.
I don't love it because it just shows me how many women are out here suffering from infertility...in many forms. And it breaks my heart to read their stories sometimes.
I'm an infertile woman. I've never seen 2 lines. I've been trying to conceive my first child for almost 10 calendar years. There was some time off due to a break up of my first marriage. I've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. The anniversary of which is fast approaching. I have been diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.
But is that really a diagnosis? I don't think so. Would a doctor tell you that you have broken a bone but he's not sure which one? Would he tell you that you have cancer but not tell you where? I don't think so.
We live with this so called diagnosis because it's all we have. My theory is that I have bad eggs. I'm only 34 (just turned last month) so it's not because of my age. And both husband's swimmers checked out fine. I'm a fast responder but a low responder. I only had 5 follicles for my IVF with 4 eggs. Of those 4 only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized normally. The 3rd let in 2 sperm...hence my self diagnosis of bad eggs. We transferred 2 perfect 8-celled embies on day 3. I peed on that stick with such trepidation. The air in the bathroom was so thick I could barely breath. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear every beat in my head. My hands were shaking as I picked up the stick. Deep down I knew that it would be negative but at that moment I was ready to cry tears of happiness. The tears came, of course. They were not happy tears. They were devastation tears. The one line on that test stood for our one last chance at medical help for a baby. The money was gone and we were on our own.
I wish I knew what happened to my 2 embies. I wish I knew if they arrested or if maybe I have a lining problem and they couldn't implant. I miss them every day. I think about where they would be right now had at least on of them stuck around.
So I'm here. And I'm infertile. I'm on CD5 today. I'm hoping my OPK's get here (I ordered them last week from Amazon) before I need them. My cycles have been a bit unpredictable since my IVF last year. Not sure how much of that has to do with me getting older or maybe my thyroid medicine but that is a whole other topic I need to get into.
Not only am I infertile, but I'm a step-mom to a 9-year old boy known on here as the Little Guy. It's hard but wonderful at the same time. I blog about those struggles from time to time also. He's a blessing for sure.
This post is a bit all over the place and not exactly what I had planned for today but sometimes my mind is all over the place and I just start rambling.
So I'd like to welcome any new readers and also thank my regular readers. You guys really are the best bloggy buddies out there and I always look forward to your comments/suggestions/advice/support. You have really helped me out this passed year and I'm so glad I found you!
I love it because I love having new people check out my blog and making new connections and I also love finding new blogs to read and follow.
I don't love it because it just shows me how many women are out here suffering from infertility...in many forms. And it breaks my heart to read their stories sometimes.
I'm an infertile woman. I've never seen 2 lines. I've been trying to conceive my first child for almost 10 calendar years. There was some time off due to a break up of my first marriage. I've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. The anniversary of which is fast approaching. I have been diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.
But is that really a diagnosis? I don't think so. Would a doctor tell you that you have broken a bone but he's not sure which one? Would he tell you that you have cancer but not tell you where? I don't think so.
We live with this so called diagnosis because it's all we have. My theory is that I have bad eggs. I'm only 34 (just turned last month) so it's not because of my age. And both husband's swimmers checked out fine. I'm a fast responder but a low responder. I only had 5 follicles for my IVF with 4 eggs. Of those 4 only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized normally. The 3rd let in 2 sperm...hence my self diagnosis of bad eggs. We transferred 2 perfect 8-celled embies on day 3. I peed on that stick with such trepidation. The air in the bathroom was so thick I could barely breath. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear every beat in my head. My hands were shaking as I picked up the stick. Deep down I knew that it would be negative but at that moment I was ready to cry tears of happiness. The tears came, of course. They were not happy tears. They were devastation tears. The one line on that test stood for our one last chance at medical help for a baby. The money was gone and we were on our own.
I wish I knew what happened to my 2 embies. I wish I knew if they arrested or if maybe I have a lining problem and they couldn't implant. I miss them every day. I think about where they would be right now had at least on of them stuck around.
So I'm here. And I'm infertile. I'm on CD5 today. I'm hoping my OPK's get here (I ordered them last week from Amazon) before I need them. My cycles have been a bit unpredictable since my IVF last year. Not sure how much of that has to do with me getting older or maybe my thyroid medicine but that is a whole other topic I need to get into.
Not only am I infertile, but I'm a step-mom to a 9-year old boy known on here as the Little Guy. It's hard but wonderful at the same time. I blog about those struggles from time to time also. He's a blessing for sure.
This post is a bit all over the place and not exactly what I had planned for today but sometimes my mind is all over the place and I just start rambling.
So I'd like to welcome any new readers and also thank my regular readers. You guys really are the best bloggy buddies out there and I always look forward to your comments/suggestions/advice/support. You have really helped me out this passed year and I'm so glad I found you!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Happiness Is...
- taking a walk at lunch today. It was warm and sunny and I just love days like this. The humidity is low and I could have laid down on a bench and taken a nap. I love this time of year.
- trying a new recipe last night for dinner. I liked it just fine and would make it again. We won't talk about how the men in my house didn't care for it that much and the fact that I had to make one of them a sandwich because he couldn't bring himself to eat the dinner. I liked it and it made me happy to try something new for a change.
- my lock and locks! If you don't know what they are, visit qvc.com and check them out. I always wanted some of these containers and now I have some and I just love everything about them. I put all sorts of food and candy in them and they are superb. I get a little addicted to qvc around the holidays because they have some really great stuff, believe it or not. And my grandmother thought they did as well. She had a brand new set of these containers that became mine when she passed away. So using them as much as I do makes me happy in more than one way.
- taking BJ out for crabs on Father's day. His ex is letting us take the Little Guy with us even though it's her weekend to have him. I think it's only right, but sometimes things like that don't matter in her world. So I'm very happy that we have plans to spend some time together on Sunday.
- buying a chocolate chip cookie from the cafeteria for my 3:30 snack today. Our cafeteria makes the best cookies. They are so soft and just melt in my mouth. I went with chocolate chip today instead of a sugar cookie, which they make equally as well. I could have had about 5 of them but controlled my purchase to just one, thank you very much.
- trying a new recipe last night for dinner. I liked it just fine and would make it again. We won't talk about how the men in my house didn't care for it that much and the fact that I had to make one of them a sandwich because he couldn't bring himself to eat the dinner. I liked it and it made me happy to try something new for a change.
- my lock and locks! If you don't know what they are, visit qvc.com and check them out. I always wanted some of these containers and now I have some and I just love everything about them. I put all sorts of food and candy in them and they are superb. I get a little addicted to qvc around the holidays because they have some really great stuff, believe it or not. And my grandmother thought they did as well. She had a brand new set of these containers that became mine when she passed away. So using them as much as I do makes me happy in more than one way.
- taking BJ out for crabs on Father's day. His ex is letting us take the Little Guy with us even though it's her weekend to have him. I think it's only right, but sometimes things like that don't matter in her world. So I'm very happy that we have plans to spend some time together on Sunday.
- buying a chocolate chip cookie from the cafeteria for my 3:30 snack today. Our cafeteria makes the best cookies. They are so soft and just melt in my mouth. I went with chocolate chip today instead of a sugar cookie, which they make equally as well. I could have had about 5 of them but controlled my purchase to just one, thank you very much.
Troll Wins, TeeJay Loses, AF Shows Up
AF showed up yesterday morning. Ruined my day. Took away my hope. And just plain pissed me off.
These monthly failures are wearing on me. They seem to be hitting me harder and harder these passed few cycles. I think it's because I know I am getting closer and closer to the end of the line. At any moment a decision will have to be made. A journey will come to and end. There most likely won't be a baby at the end of this journey. I'm scared as hell about that. I'm not ready to stop trying. At the same time, I'm ready to stop hurting.
I try to put my fears out of my mind because when I start to think about where I am and where I'm most likely going to end up, it's just depressing. I don't like feeling depressed therefore I stop thinking about my infertility. There's going to come a point where I will have to face the reality of this situation. But I'm just not ready to go there right now. I'm too afraid to find out how quitting will really affect me and my daily life and my relationship with my husband. I don't think it will be pretty. I'm holding out as much hope as I can but it's wearing ever so thin.
I've been the perfect candidate for a surprise miracle BFP so many times and come up empty handed. Circumstances in my life over the passed several years have yielded many opportunities for good to come from bad. It has yet to happen that way. And I know that God doesn't always work in that way. But you know what? It would be nice if He did sometimes. And I know I should not question Him or His plans, but I'd really love to know if my suffering will be rewarded in the end or if I just need to stop torturing myself and accept what I have.
Where is my infertility manual when I need it?
I really need to do a Happiness post today. I'm feeling really down and angry and hopeless so I need to grab onto some goodness to help me get by. Stay tuned and I promise to be a bit more upbeat this afternoon.
These monthly failures are wearing on me. They seem to be hitting me harder and harder these passed few cycles. I think it's because I know I am getting closer and closer to the end of the line. At any moment a decision will have to be made. A journey will come to and end. There most likely won't be a baby at the end of this journey. I'm scared as hell about that. I'm not ready to stop trying. At the same time, I'm ready to stop hurting.
I try to put my fears out of my mind because when I start to think about where I am and where I'm most likely going to end up, it's just depressing. I don't like feeling depressed therefore I stop thinking about my infertility. There's going to come a point where I will have to face the reality of this situation. But I'm just not ready to go there right now. I'm too afraid to find out how quitting will really affect me and my daily life and my relationship with my husband. I don't think it will be pretty. I'm holding out as much hope as I can but it's wearing ever so thin.
I've been the perfect candidate for a surprise miracle BFP so many times and come up empty handed. Circumstances in my life over the passed several years have yielded many opportunities for good to come from bad. It has yet to happen that way. And I know that God doesn't always work in that way. But you know what? It would be nice if He did sometimes. And I know I should not question Him or His plans, but I'd really love to know if my suffering will be rewarded in the end or if I just need to stop torturing myself and accept what I have.
Where is my infertility manual when I need it?
I really need to do a Happiness post today. I'm feeling really down and angry and hopeless so I need to grab onto some goodness to help me get by. Stay tuned and I promise to be a bit more upbeat this afternoon.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Help!
I'm going nuts here. I'm getting giddy'er and giddy'er (and I know that's not even a word) every time I go to the bathroom and see NOTHING on the tp.
I have an angel on my right shoulder telling me to stay calm and not get my hopes up. She is also telling me that it's only CD29 and that I have had cycles in the not so distant past that were 30 or 31 days. She told me that even though my temp was high this morning that it was probably caused by the fact that I woke up very early and then had a hard time going back to sleep. She is trying to protect me.
On my left shoulder is the troll. He's telling me to look at my chart and get my hopes way up. He's telling me that I'm not as bloated as usual. My boobs are still hurting. He's reminding me that there could be a chance. He's telling me to go out at lunch and buy a test for tomorrow morning. He wants to crush me and watch me suffer.
He's just mean. And I know that I should be listening to the Angel. She's right...right? But that damn troll keeps piping up and over riding her. Because I know as soon as I spend the money on the test AF will show up. Or as soon as I open the test and sit to pee, she'll be there in my underwear...mocking me. Or better yet, she'll wait until I wipe after I pee on the stupid stick.
Ugh!!!!
Deep breaths...deep breaths. What will be will be. That's so corny, but it's the truth. No matter what I do, I will have an answer very soon. And I think I'd rather wait for a dropped temp or some spotting than torture myself with POAS. So I will save my money and just wait. I will test Friday if I still have high temps and no spotting. That should give everything enough time to happen.
Can someone please swat the troll off my shoulder? I need to let the protective Angel have the final say. And I need to calm down. I literally don't know what to do with myself. I don't know why I'm getting all worked up over this. I'm only on CD29. It's not like I'm on day 35 of a cycle.
HELP!!!!
I have an angel on my right shoulder telling me to stay calm and not get my hopes up. She is also telling me that it's only CD29 and that I have had cycles in the not so distant past that were 30 or 31 days. She told me that even though my temp was high this morning that it was probably caused by the fact that I woke up very early and then had a hard time going back to sleep. She is trying to protect me.
On my left shoulder is the troll. He's telling me to look at my chart and get my hopes way up. He's telling me that I'm not as bloated as usual. My boobs are still hurting. He's reminding me that there could be a chance. He's telling me to go out at lunch and buy a test for tomorrow morning. He wants to crush me and watch me suffer.
He's just mean. And I know that I should be listening to the Angel. She's right...right? But that damn troll keeps piping up and over riding her. Because I know as soon as I spend the money on the test AF will show up. Or as soon as I open the test and sit to pee, she'll be there in my underwear...mocking me. Or better yet, she'll wait until I wipe after I pee on the stupid stick.
Ugh!!!!
Deep breaths...deep breaths. What will be will be. That's so corny, but it's the truth. No matter what I do, I will have an answer very soon. And I think I'd rather wait for a dropped temp or some spotting than torture myself with POAS. So I will save my money and just wait. I will test Friday if I still have high temps and no spotting. That should give everything enough time to happen.
Can someone please swat the troll off my shoulder? I need to let the protective Angel have the final say. And I need to calm down. I literally don't know what to do with myself. I don't know why I'm getting all worked up over this. I'm only on CD29. It's not like I'm on day 35 of a cycle.
HELP!!!!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Quick Update
I have lots to blog about (Little Guy's b-day party mainly) but not much time so I'm giving a quick update.
I'm 14dpo today. FF says I'm only 13 but I think I O'd on 5/31 by what I felt my ovary doing. Anyway...My temp has not dropped below the coverline on my chart. I DID have a major headache Saturday evening which is usually a sign of my progesterone falling. I can also attribute that to the stress of getting everything ready for the party on Sunday and being in the hot garage most of the day and again...stressing to get everything done. I haven't had any spotting yet. I'm not as snippy as usual. I've had a few snippy moments and thought for sure AF would be showing up any minute but then the moments passed. Once I tell you everything about the party you will understand why I might have been a little snippy. :-) My boobs started to ache Saturday as well. And upon further inspection (I just stopped typing to squeeze them) they are still sore. I feel a little weepy. That is definitely a sign of AF being about to start, but it could also be something else.
I'm not really sure what to make of all of this. Well, I know that I'm making myself crazy with it all of a sudden. I didn't think too much about it until my temp did not drop this morning. Of course that sets off all the "hope" alarms, you know. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm starting to wonder...
I'm not trying to get anyone's hopes up, but I had to share this with all of you since I don't have anyone else to share it with. I've been down this road before and it won't be a big surprise when (if) AF shows up...but I always have to hope.
I'm 14dpo today. FF says I'm only 13 but I think I O'd on 5/31 by what I felt my ovary doing. Anyway...My temp has not dropped below the coverline on my chart. I DID have a major headache Saturday evening which is usually a sign of my progesterone falling. I can also attribute that to the stress of getting everything ready for the party on Sunday and being in the hot garage most of the day and again...stressing to get everything done. I haven't had any spotting yet. I'm not as snippy as usual. I've had a few snippy moments and thought for sure AF would be showing up any minute but then the moments passed. Once I tell you everything about the party you will understand why I might have been a little snippy. :-) My boobs started to ache Saturday as well. And upon further inspection (I just stopped typing to squeeze them) they are still sore. I feel a little weepy. That is definitely a sign of AF being about to start, but it could also be something else.
I'm not really sure what to make of all of this. Well, I know that I'm making myself crazy with it all of a sudden. I didn't think too much about it until my temp did not drop this morning. Of course that sets off all the "hope" alarms, you know. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm starting to wonder...
I'm not trying to get anyone's hopes up, but I had to share this with all of you since I don't have anyone else to share it with. I've been down this road before and it won't be a big surprise when (if) AF shows up...but I always have to hope.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Searching and Finding
I have my blog set up with Analytics. It's a tracking system of sorts for anyone that isn't familiar. It gives oodles of information about how your blog was found (keyword, search engine, direct, etc), how many hits its had, what ISPs those visits are coming from...way too much information. I go there once a week or so and check out what keywords are being used to find my blog. I read Murgdan's blog and she used to do a post called Keyword Salad in which she would post some of the hilarious ways people have stumbled upon her blog. If you get a chance, check out some of her old posts. She hasn't done any in a while, what with giving birth to a beautiful baby boy 3 weeks ago and all, but it's definitely worth your time. This leads me to my post today.
Whenever I check out the keywords on my Analytics page, I feel really bad. The posts that get the most hits week after week after week are the ones from after my IVF transfer. Most notably, 10dp3dt and 12dp3dt. I know that these women are looking for something positive to read and unfortunately, I failed. I know some of them have tested because their searches include phrases like "12dp3dt bfn any hope" and "12dp3dt neg hpt positive beta". I feel so bad for them. I know when I was going through it I did the exact same thing. I was searching for hope but most of the time I was finding that I should trust my hpt. And that sucked. And I'm sure it sucks for them.
Most of them don't spend much time on my blog after that first initial hit. I'm not what they were searching for. They wanted to find success stories. And I don't blame them. It's what we all want. We want to believe that this IVF thing works for most people. When I was going through it I found way too many non-success stories. Way too much heartbreak. The truth is that IVF does work, but for a lot of people it takes going through it 2, 3...7 times. I was unaware that there could be so many failures. I learned pretty quickly, unfortunately.
And then a funny thing happened. The blogs I began reading...starting getting pregnant. Some from IVF, FET, DE and even some natural BFP's. And I was really happy for them. I still am. In fact, Murgdan (mentioned above) is the first one to actually give birth so far. And funnily enough, she was the first blog I started with. I can't be more happy for her. She gives me hope that people can suffer and then overcome infertility in the grandest way. And there are several more that I'm reading that will be giving birth within the next 3 or so months. And that makes me happy for my other bloggers. I have so much hope for you all.
And so my heart goes out to those women that are searching the web for hope and stumble upon my failure. I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for. I wish I could give you the hope you so desperately are trying to hang on to. I hope that you find enough success stories to fill your heart with hope that it CAN happen for you. YOU can succeed. YOU can overcome this beast. Don't give up. Keep searching. And maybe you will find what you have always wanted.
Whenever I check out the keywords on my Analytics page, I feel really bad. The posts that get the most hits week after week after week are the ones from after my IVF transfer. Most notably, 10dp3dt and 12dp3dt. I know that these women are looking for something positive to read and unfortunately, I failed. I know some of them have tested because their searches include phrases like "12dp3dt bfn any hope" and "12dp3dt neg hpt positive beta". I feel so bad for them. I know when I was going through it I did the exact same thing. I was searching for hope but most of the time I was finding that I should trust my hpt. And that sucked. And I'm sure it sucks for them.
Most of them don't spend much time on my blog after that first initial hit. I'm not what they were searching for. They wanted to find success stories. And I don't blame them. It's what we all want. We want to believe that this IVF thing works for most people. When I was going through it I found way too many non-success stories. Way too much heartbreak. The truth is that IVF does work, but for a lot of people it takes going through it 2, 3...7 times. I was unaware that there could be so many failures. I learned pretty quickly, unfortunately.
And then a funny thing happened. The blogs I began reading...starting getting pregnant. Some from IVF, FET, DE and even some natural BFP's. And I was really happy for them. I still am. In fact, Murgdan (mentioned above) is the first one to actually give birth so far. And funnily enough, she was the first blog I started with. I can't be more happy for her. She gives me hope that people can suffer and then overcome infertility in the grandest way. And there are several more that I'm reading that will be giving birth within the next 3 or so months. And that makes me happy for my other bloggers. I have so much hope for you all.
And so my heart goes out to those women that are searching the web for hope and stumble upon my failure. I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for. I wish I could give you the hope you so desperately are trying to hang on to. I hope that you find enough success stories to fill your heart with hope that it CAN happen for you. YOU can succeed. YOU can overcome this beast. Don't give up. Keep searching. And maybe you will find what you have always wanted.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Happiness Is...
- watching the Little Guy slide in to 2nd base for the first time ever! I so wish I had a camera to capture that moment. He was awesome. AND safe! He decided he had such a great reaction from everyone that he slid in to 3rd, too! Again, safe. It was a fun game to watch that's for sure.
- the foreman in charge of building our house is going to have our yard re-seeded. The people didn't do a very good job and that is hard to prove so it's very nice that Jim is going to have a different company come out and redo it for us. We are the only people on the circle with a pretty much bare back yard.
- my sister getting married and asking me to be in her wedding! Granted, it's not until next June, but still. I'm excited and will help her any way I can from down here...she's in PA.
- beautiful blue skies and sunshine and low humidity yesterday and today. It's perfect outside and I really wish I could be out in it, but will just have to be happy looking at it through the window.
- surviving my bikini wax and not being too scared to say I'll do it again. I know I posted about it, but I'm still happy about it. Especially since it was done 3 days ago and I still have no stubbles.
- the foreman in charge of building our house is going to have our yard re-seeded. The people didn't do a very good job and that is hard to prove so it's very nice that Jim is going to have a different company come out and redo it for us. We are the only people on the circle with a pretty much bare back yard.
- my sister getting married and asking me to be in her wedding! Granted, it's not until next June, but still. I'm excited and will help her any way I can from down here...she's in PA.
- beautiful blue skies and sunshine and low humidity yesterday and today. It's perfect outside and I really wish I could be out in it, but will just have to be happy looking at it through the window.
- surviving my bikini wax and not being too scared to say I'll do it again. I know I posted about it, but I'm still happy about it. Especially since it was done 3 days ago and I still have no stubbles.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Wax On, Wax Off
I did it, ladies. I got the bikini wax on Saturday. EEEEOOOOWWWW! But it wasn't that bad. It stung, for sure, but I think I did pretty well. I let the lady know it was my first time and she explained it to me and told me that I would love it and never go back to shaving. She pulled out the strips and I told her that I was told over the phone that they don't use the strips. She replied with, "I do better work with the strips. I've been doing this for a very long time and I just like the strips better." So, the strips it was.
I put on a pair of really sexy undies (elastic waistband and a sheer thin strip of material) that she provided and laid down on the table. She took a look (and I've never been more embarrassed by a lady bits inspection before because I had to let it really grow out so the wax had something to "grab") and she said, "you're not even that bad. there's not a lot going on there." No more embarrassment...just pure pride. :-) I've never been hairy but I have my stragglers, that's for sure.
She braced me for the first one and it stung like a mother. The 3rd and 4th ones hurt but then it wasn't so bad. She did the other side the same way and then she put a soothing lotion on and cold towels. That felt pretty good. I think I might have even let out an "aaahhhhh".
Then I was told not to wear underwear for the rest of the day. Hmmmm...so that meant tucking my undies in my purse and feeling like a cheap ho that just got done with a Job and driving home. I had some loose fitting shorts on and that helped the area not get worse. I can't believe I went the whole rest of the day (BJ and I even went out Saturday night) without wearing underwear. My skin was pink and irritated and a bit sensitive but by Sunday morning, it was much better. However, I still have some pinkish/reddish dots where the hair was. I'm hoping that the next time I do it (yes, there will be a next time because there is nary a stubble yet) this won't happen. She told me that the first time hurts the worst and that the skin and hair will adjust to the treatment. I hope she's right. I will see if I can get an appointment with another lady that doesn't use the strips but uses the other wax. Just to see which I like better.
Thanks for all the advice on this ladies! I'll update with some real stuff soon but I just wanted to get this out there and share my smooth story with all of you.
I put on a pair of really sexy undies (elastic waistband and a sheer thin strip of material) that she provided and laid down on the table. She took a look (and I've never been more embarrassed by a lady bits inspection before because I had to let it really grow out so the wax had something to "grab") and she said, "you're not even that bad. there's not a lot going on there." No more embarrassment...just pure pride. :-) I've never been hairy but I have my stragglers, that's for sure.
She braced me for the first one and it stung like a mother. The 3rd and 4th ones hurt but then it wasn't so bad. She did the other side the same way and then she put a soothing lotion on and cold towels. That felt pretty good. I think I might have even let out an "aaahhhhh".
Then I was told not to wear underwear for the rest of the day. Hmmmm...so that meant tucking my undies in my purse and feeling like a cheap ho that just got done with a Job and driving home. I had some loose fitting shorts on and that helped the area not get worse. I can't believe I went the whole rest of the day (BJ and I even went out Saturday night) without wearing underwear. My skin was pink and irritated and a bit sensitive but by Sunday morning, it was much better. However, I still have some pinkish/reddish dots where the hair was. I'm hoping that the next time I do it (yes, there will be a next time because there is nary a stubble yet) this won't happen. She told me that the first time hurts the worst and that the skin and hair will adjust to the treatment. I hope she's right. I will see if I can get an appointment with another lady that doesn't use the strips but uses the other wax. Just to see which I like better.
Thanks for all the advice on this ladies! I'll update with some real stuff soon but I just wanted to get this out there and share my smooth story with all of you.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Weekend Recap
I've been so busy at work that I haven't had time to post anything and I hate it when that happens. I'll give everyone a quick run down of the last week and then get in to my strange cycle that I'm experiencing.
- We had the Little Guy Friday night so I drove to work that day in order to get home and chill out with my guys a little earlier than usual. As soon as I come in the house BJ's phone rings. It's the neighbor at the bottom of the hill inviting us to dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse. I didn't want to go because it's very expensive (basically $21 a person) and I had JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR. But we went. Never mind the fact that I paid our mortgage that day and had planned on getting a pedicure that weekend. Dinner was fine and we had a good chef and the food was good, but we spent $80 with tip! For 3 people to eat Chinese food basically. Unreal. No pedi for me so now I am way over due and have to wait until next pay day (tomorrow).
- We had workers at the house Saturday morning and now I have a huge hole in my dining room wall. I really need to post about this house situation but I hate to complain about something I love so much.
- We took the Little Guy shoe shopping after the workers left. Tell me, how many 8 year olds get to decide what shoes they will and won't wear? This is one of those step-parenting moments where I wish I were the mother because he would wear whatever shoe fit and I bought for him, within reason of course. BJ let him call the shots....he wants Nike 6.0's like all his other friends. Whatever. I gave up. We don't live near a mall and all the 6.0's that we found weren't the right color. Give me a break. I was so done with this excursion and we were only looking for a little over an hour.
- BJ's sister and her family came over Saturday evening. We grilled some yummy pork chops and some bbq chicken legs and I made macaroni salad. The kids played and decided to go play on the new construction dirt outside. SIL and I went for a walk after dinner, leaving the boys (our husbands) to babysit the kids. When we got back, the kids were a muddy mess and had to change their clothes before touching anything in my house. Then the neighbors we had dinner with Friday night came over and we all chatted for a while. They didn't leave until 11:00. I can't believe we kept the kids up that late. At least it's not an every day thing.
- We had to give the Little Guy back to his mom early on Sunday because she wanted to take him camping. We had been invited to a cookout and crab feast at a friend's house so we headed there. It was really hot outside but we couldn't tell. Their yard is right on the river bank and shaded by 3 big trees. It was perfect...warm with a breeze. We saw quite a few people from our old neighborhood and it was really good to get caught up with everyone and hear all the good (and not so good) gossip. After we left there and since it was early, we decided to hang out with the bottom of the hill neighbors for a little while. I think we were just avoiding going home because the Little Guy wasn't there. We didn't get home until 12:00 midnight. A very long day indeed.
- Needless to say, we vegged on Monday. It was so nice to just sit home. We didn't drive anywhere. We even ate all 3 meals at home. :-) It was so sunny that I decided to lather up with some sunscreen and lay out on the deck for a little while. BJ took his shirt off and sat in a chair and we listened to the birds and the radio and just chilled out. It was great. We needed that day after the busy weekend we had.
I'm on CD17 today. FF has yet to tell me if/when I ovulated. I had a high temp on CD9 for some reason and I think it threw my whole chart off. However, this morning I had a pre-ovulation temp of 97.9. I'm pretty sure I felt ovary pinching on Monday, which is good because we did some BD'ing Sunday night. But Monday was CD14 and that's a little late for me. So once again I have no idea what my body is doing. We BD'd on CD8, 10, 13 and 16....I'm hoping we covered our bases. I actually saw a tiny bit of ewcm on CD13 so I'm wondering if I did, indeed, ovulate on Monday? I'm going to wait to see what my temp is tomorrow morning before I manually override my chart info on what I felt. I will definitely be ordering my opk's in the next few days. I can't keep guessing about when I ovulate. This baby makin' stuff is enough to drive a woman insane.
- We had the Little Guy Friday night so I drove to work that day in order to get home and chill out with my guys a little earlier than usual. As soon as I come in the house BJ's phone rings. It's the neighbor at the bottom of the hill inviting us to dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse. I didn't want to go because it's very expensive (basically $21 a person) and I had JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR. But we went. Never mind the fact that I paid our mortgage that day and had planned on getting a pedicure that weekend. Dinner was fine and we had a good chef and the food was good, but we spent $80 with tip! For 3 people to eat Chinese food basically. Unreal. No pedi for me so now I am way over due and have to wait until next pay day (tomorrow).
- We had workers at the house Saturday morning and now I have a huge hole in my dining room wall. I really need to post about this house situation but I hate to complain about something I love so much.
- We took the Little Guy shoe shopping after the workers left. Tell me, how many 8 year olds get to decide what shoes they will and won't wear? This is one of those step-parenting moments where I wish I were the mother because he would wear whatever shoe fit and I bought for him, within reason of course. BJ let him call the shots....he wants Nike 6.0's like all his other friends. Whatever. I gave up. We don't live near a mall and all the 6.0's that we found weren't the right color. Give me a break. I was so done with this excursion and we were only looking for a little over an hour.
- BJ's sister and her family came over Saturday evening. We grilled some yummy pork chops and some bbq chicken legs and I made macaroni salad. The kids played and decided to go play on the new construction dirt outside. SIL and I went for a walk after dinner, leaving the boys (our husbands) to babysit the kids. When we got back, the kids were a muddy mess and had to change their clothes before touching anything in my house. Then the neighbors we had dinner with Friday night came over and we all chatted for a while. They didn't leave until 11:00. I can't believe we kept the kids up that late. At least it's not an every day thing.
- We had to give the Little Guy back to his mom early on Sunday because she wanted to take him camping. We had been invited to a cookout and crab feast at a friend's house so we headed there. It was really hot outside but we couldn't tell. Their yard is right on the river bank and shaded by 3 big trees. It was perfect...warm with a breeze. We saw quite a few people from our old neighborhood and it was really good to get caught up with everyone and hear all the good (and not so good) gossip. After we left there and since it was early, we decided to hang out with the bottom of the hill neighbors for a little while. I think we were just avoiding going home because the Little Guy wasn't there. We didn't get home until 12:00 midnight. A very long day indeed.
- Needless to say, we vegged on Monday. It was so nice to just sit home. We didn't drive anywhere. We even ate all 3 meals at home. :-) It was so sunny that I decided to lather up with some sunscreen and lay out on the deck for a little while. BJ took his shirt off and sat in a chair and we listened to the birds and the radio and just chilled out. It was great. We needed that day after the busy weekend we had.
I'm on CD17 today. FF has yet to tell me if/when I ovulated. I had a high temp on CD9 for some reason and I think it threw my whole chart off. However, this morning I had a pre-ovulation temp of 97.9. I'm pretty sure I felt ovary pinching on Monday, which is good because we did some BD'ing Sunday night. But Monday was CD14 and that's a little late for me. So once again I have no idea what my body is doing. We BD'd on CD8, 10, 13 and 16....I'm hoping we covered our bases. I actually saw a tiny bit of ewcm on CD13 so I'm wondering if I did, indeed, ovulate on Monday? I'm going to wait to see what my temp is tomorrow morning before I manually override my chart info on what I felt. I will definitely be ordering my opk's in the next few days. I can't keep guessing about when I ovulate. This baby makin' stuff is enough to drive a woman insane.
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