Reasons I'm Nervous/Anxious

1 - I feel like I have a cyst.  This will delay my cycle and might be cause for concern once stims start.  I was on Lupron too long the first time and had a paltry response to stims.

2 - My nurse never put me in the appointment book for my us/bw appointment on Saturday.  She's very nice but a little flighty.  I'm glad I called to confirm my appointment time.  She makes me nervous.

3 -  I will be paying for this cycle later this afternoon when the rep from the program calls me.  Making the payment is a pretty big step in moving forward...closer to our dream or closer to...I can't even think that way.

4 - I'm scared to death of not responding well enough and getting canceled.  We don't have the money to do this again.

5 - I'm at the point where I've had too much time to think and I start to worry...worry about all that can go wrong.  It's silly to do this to myself but it seems I just can't help it.

6 - After looking at the calendar I realized that I will know whether or not I'm pregnant about a week before Mother's Day (providing we stay on track).  That day could either suck royally (more than passed years) or be the greatest Mother's Day ever.

7 - This is the best one yet...I'm scared of succeeding and then having something go wrong.

Why does this fear eat away at me?  I don't know why I keep giving in.  The only thing that I should be thinking about right now is my scan on Saturday.  Beyond that, there's just a foggy picture right now.  I need to learn how to live in the now and stop being so scared of the unknown.  I think infertility has skewed my view of good things that can happen.  We seem to always fall on the short side of the statistics.  I don't think I can actually accept that this just may work.  It's too much to think about, really.  If it works then there is another can of worms that will open up...a can that is all new and foreign to me.  One that I'm scared of but one that I desperately want.  How crazy is that?  How crazy is it that I want something new to worry about?  I want to worry about rising betas, about ultrasounds and heartbeats.  I think I might just be sick in the head after all....I mean who wants to worry about that?  Don't we all just wish that we could go through life like normal women?  Get pregnant and just be happy about it and start telling everyone no matter how far along you are?  Start buying maternity clothes and nursery furniture at 8 or 9 weeks?  Wouldn't that be grand?  Yes it would.  I don't live in that world.  Much like most of you don't live in that world, either.  Instead we live in a world where we have to worry about bcp, stims, hormone levels and when we can trigger.  We worry about never seeing 2 lines and then when we do...we worry some more.  I've never seen those 2 lines but I'm hoping to very soon.  And I'm hoping that I can let go of some of this fear when/if that happens.

I am going to do my best to just focus on one day at a time.  The first hurdle is going to be my scan on Saturday.  Where I'm hoping that I'm cyst free and ready to go.  That is as far into the future as I can hope right now.  One Day at a Time.

Ramblings

Hi everyone!  I hope you all had a very lovely weekend.  Mine was a mixed bag of busy and lazy...just the way I like it.  Although I can totally do without any more snow.  I can't believe that it snowed yesterday morning...and it was so cold.  I felt like writing a letter to Old Man Winter and giving him a piece of my mind.  Either that or Mother Nature is smoking something and doesn't realize that it's supposed to be Spring and lovely weather....not snow.

We had the nursery guy come out Friday evening and we talked with him for about 30 minutes.  It was nice to talk to him because he obviously knows his stuff.  I wished the weather would have cooperated this weekend because we are so ready to get outside.  He's going to sketch something up for us and we will talk again in about a week to see what he has come up with.  They charge $250 for this service, but then you get a $250 credit with their store...not bad.

We went to a local home show Saturday.  We received free tickets from one of BJ's coworkers that sells Scentsy so we figured we'd check it out.  We collected a bunch of brochures but it's nothing we really need.  It's still fun to look, though.  Saturday night we went out to listen to a local band.  The singer's girlfriend was the bartender at the Lodge where they were playing.  BJ had her make me a drink and it was good.  There wasn't a lot of alcohol in it but I knew it was an orange crush...yummy.  Since BJ was only having a couple of beers I decided to have another drink.  She obviously added more alcohol to this one.  I also drank the last 1/3 of it pretty quickly as it was time to go and I'm not one to throw a perfectly good drink away.  :-)  That drink kicked my ass!  I haven't been drunk in quite a while but I definitely was Saturday night.  I've had a good buzz here and there, but this was all out drunk.  It started hitting me more and more on the way home, which was only about a 7 minute drive.  Thankfully I was still "with it" enough to have some adult fun once we got home but you better believe that I was out like a light afterward.  :-)  And since it was really just the one drink that did me in I didn't have a hangover Sunday.  I look at it as my last big hurrah before I start stims next week (hopefully).

Sunday was a lazy day in which all I did was run to the dollar store to get some decorations for my old boss's retirement party.  After that we just hung out at home and watched a movie.  We watched Blood Diamond.  Such a good movie but it continually stressed me out.  I kept waiting for the really tragic end but was pleasantly surprised when the family was reunited.  That is the kind of movie that just makes my heart ache for other parts of the world.

I had to do some research on my bcp because my boobs are so sore that I can barely stand it.  After reading about this brand of pill I feel like I am just having a normal reaction.  Most of the reviews I read stated the same things I'm experiencing...sore breasts and extreme tiredness.  This pill evidently has more progestin than most pills and it also affects your CM to be inhospitable, changes your cervix to not let swimmers through and if they DO get through, affects the uterus so that an egg can't implant...not that one will come out of the ovary when on the pill but I guess one can never be too sure.  A very potent pill indeed.

My only concern right now is that I have a cyst.  I'm experiencing all the signs of a cyst on my left ovary.  I will be so pissed if I'm delayed this cycle.  There's nothing I can do but wait until my scan on Saturday and that seems like an eternity right now.  So if you could, please send some "no cyst" vibes (prayers) my way...I would much appreciate it.  There's so much riding on this cycle and I really just want to keep on track...for my sanity's sake.  You guys are the best!

Happiness Is...

- the Little Guy had his first practice this last Saturday and it was so much fun.  I so wish I could be a coach.  Now that he's playing kid pitch (as opposed to machine pitch) I think the games are going to be so much more exciting.  His coach is one of our neighbors that we got to know even before our houses were built and we really like his style and his dedication.  He picked the LG to be on his team and we couldn't be happier.  The LG was the first kid that got to practice pitching...and he loved it!

- getting a big laugh out of my husband last night.  We were sitting on the couch and the LG was taking a shower.  We heard something in the distance and BJ asked me if it was thunder or a helicopter.  So I said, "I don't know, maybe you should rewind it."  We both laughed really hard at that.  See...we have a DVR and whenever we miss something we always just say "rewind it".  It's so bad that we've even tried to do it for things we miss on the radio.  We are so spoiled.

- chili dogs for dinner tonight.  We had chili Tuesday night for dinner and decided to have chili dogs with the leftovers.  I love a good chili dog.

- green grass, blooming trees and more daylight in the evening.  I love this time of year.  We are having a local nursery (plant, of course) send someone out to our house tomorrow evening to help us plan our front yard plant bed.  I can't wait to dig up what the builder put in and expand things a little bit and make it the way I want it.

- BJ asking me if I'm sure I'm not pregnant because of all this boob pain I'm having.  I told him that I had a pretty normal period.  And then I got to thinking...my periods have been so light and short since my last IVF what if I mistakenly thought it was normal?  It was a fleeting moment but the thought was there.  How crazy would that have been?

- things are going ok with the new boss so far.  Granted it's only been since Monday and he was traveling yesterday but still.  I saved him from missing his connecting flight home yesterday so I figured I earned some brownie points

- my old boss has called me twice already!  It's good to hear her voice and to hear how she's liking her first week of retirement.  She's had a couple of technical questions (she's NOT technically inclined at all) about her iPhone and I have helped her.  Some things never change.

Something is Happening and Are You Kidding Me??

I started taking my bcp on Saturday as that was CD3.  Today, which is only Wednesday, I have really sore boobs.  I'm guessing that is because of the horomones that are in the pills.  Although, I don't remember that from when I have taken bcp before.  Especially this early in my cycle.  Maybe it's because my body has just decided to do something different like it does every once in a while, I don't know.  Maybe it means that the horomone level is too high for me.  I hope not.  I don't want to be supressed so much that my ovaries won't produce anything while stimming.

Either way...I can tell that there are artificial horomone stimulants in my body.  They hurt like they did this last cycle right before my period started.  I hope my body adjusts to this pill and it goes away.  I have a very small chest but these little things are pretty damn sore.

I am also experiencing some left ovary pain.  It sort of feels like a cyst and it sort of feels like I'm ovulating.  Very strange, indeed.  It comes and goes so I don't really know what to make of it.  I'm hoping that something bad isn't happening, like my poor ovar is shriveling up never to make another viable egg.  Ugh...I have such an imagination.

The are you kidding me part of this post is basically a rant about the other woman (the Little Guy's mother).  We have the LG 50 % of the time.  This is basically every other day during the week and then every other weekend.  It works fine for us so far.  When he's older it might not work so well but it does for now.  The OW is taking classes at the community college, which is great.  She has class Monday and Wednesday nights so we have the LG those nights and she now has him Tuesday and Thursday nights.  It's different than what we are used to (it would switch every other week) but it's working and we don't have a choice and it's fine.  It will be this way until May when her semester is over.  As you know, the LG has started baseball.  His practices (until games start) are Tuesday and Thursday, her nights.  Last week she asked if BJ could pick the LG up from daycare on Tuesdays because she has a horse to take care of and she'll just pick the LG up after practice at 7:30.  Hmmmm...so a horse (that you can see on Sundays) is more important than taking your son to practice?  Ok...BJ agreed and so that put him at picking the LG up M, T and W.  She called BJ yesterday and asked him if he could pick the LG up on Thursdays, too!  This is how the conversation went:

OW - soooo Thursdays....are you picking LG up and taking to practice?
BJ - no...practice doesn't start until 6:00
OW - well it will be hard on me because by the time I pick him up after work and we rush to do homework and eat....it's all about rushing, it's not like I'm spending quality time with him.
BJ - that's how it will be at our house, too...just as much rushing...but you know what?  I'll pick him up.

So now BJ is responsible for picking him up M, T, W and Th.  I love that they will have that much time together but really?  I'm pissed at her for throwing 4 nights of homework and 2 nights of practice all on BJ.  Where is her sense of responsibility?  Rushing around and trying to eat, do homework and get to practice are all things that happen when you have a child that is involved in activities.  How do you just shirk that off?  Again, it's not about the LG here, it's about her not doing what a parent should.  I feel bad for BJ that he has to handle all of the after school stuff by himself and I wish I could get home earlier to help out.  She seems to be thinking only of herself.  Not cool, lady.

BJ told me that what he really wanted to say to her was "why don't I just keep him 7 days a week?"  She actually was complaining to me that with her school schedule, she is not seeing him from Friday morning until Tuesday after school.  And now she wants to limit her time even more?  Makes no sense to me.  We will go with it because that is what we do.

The Turning Point

I'm not sure if I ever blogged about the experience that changed my view on becoming a parent, so I will today.

When I was a kid (let's say 10-15) I didn't want to get married and I didn't want to have any kids.  I was adament about both.  Everyone said I would change my mind.  I told them that I wouldn't and I gave my reasons:
- I didn't want to answer to any man.
- I wanted my own life.
- I didn't want to cook and clean for a man.
- Kids came with marriage so I just wouldn't have any of those, either.
- I baby-sat so much that I knew how bratty kids could be and I didn't want to deal with it.
- I didn't want stretch marks and the pain of labor.

There were some deeper rooted reasons for these feelings that I didn't really realize at the time.  Time and maturity and learning a bit about human behavior helped me come to terms with such things.

- I had some bad experiences with a man when I was young and the thought of a man touching me made me sick to my stomach.
- I actually never thought anyone would want to marry me.
- We live in a pretty messed up world sometimes and the thought of bringing a child into said world really scared me.  I didn't think I was equipped to keep a child safe from all the bad.
- I could never picture myself being a mother let alone a wife to someone.

Not very sound reasons, but to a child with a young mind, it made perfect sense to me.

I was 16 and my step-mom had a friend that I baby-sat for on a pretty regular basis.  She was definitely the definition of Fertile Myrtle.  They had 3 kids and were expecting their 4th.  I was asked to be the person that would stay home with the 3 when it was time for the 4th to join the family.  Their first child was a special needs boy of 5 or 6.  Their second child was a girl that was 4 (I think) and their 3rd child was a girl that was just over 2.  The call came in the middle of the night.  I went over to their house and they were on their way out.  The youngest girl had trouble sleeping so I went into her room.  She was very upset and had cried herself into a mess.  I sat on her bed and then it happened.  She put her arms around me and laid her head on my chest and began to settle down.  I rocked her until her breathing steadied and she calmed down enough to lay back down.

The moment she put her little head on my chest my heart swelled and I knew that I wanted to be a mother.  I wanted my child to find comfort in me that way.  It felt kind of like the Grinch when his heart grows...I realized how great that feeling was and I wanted more of it.  I saw her as a child in need that turned to me for comforting and not just a kid I baby-sit.  It was eye opening to say the least.

Of course, I still never thought I'd get married.  I also never told anyone about that experience.  I couldn't let them know that I had changed my mind....I was a teenager and adults were never right.  :-)  It was that moment about 19 years ago that my heart began wanting a child.  It would take quite a few more years to really head down that path but that's just because I was young and not sure I was ready for a child just yet.  I've been ready for 10 years now and I hope that this IVF works and I get to realize my dream.

Changes All Around

Friday was a really hard day for me.  It was my boss's last day.  I was an emotional mess to say the least.  My entire work life has changed.  I tried to have a conversation with her about my new boss and what my concerns were and I couldn't even speak.  The emotions were running too high.  I was on the verge of tears all day.  It came time for me to leave and she had someone in her office.  Neither of us wanted to say good-bye.  It was good that I was running late for my bus and that she had someone in with her.  We hugged, cried and tried to say something to each other but the only things coming out were tears.

The staff gathered together for cupcakes and stories and good-byes.  Of course, my cell phone started ringing in the middle of everything.  I ran out of the room to answer my nurse's call.  She said that my calendar had changed just a little bit.  I will now be on bcp for only 14 days.  I have an appointment on 4/2 for u/s and b/w.  As long as everything is ok, I will start my microdose Lupron (20 units) on 4/4 every 12 hours.  I will do this for 2 days.  On the third day I will start my FSH injections and my Menopur.  I will do this for 3 days and then return to the office for monitoring.  Further dosing instructions will follow after that appointment.  They have a tentative ER set for 4/17 and a tentative transfer date of either 4/20 or 4/22.

This changes my timeline a lot....of course if all goes as planned.  And I know from experience that things don't usually go as planned for me.  We shall see.  If we could do an ER on 4/17 that would be awesome because it's a Sunday and no one would have to miss work.  And if by some miracle we make it to a 5 day transfer that would be Good Friday and I'm already off that day.  BJ wouldn't go with me for the transfer so he wouldn't have to miss any work.  Another reason to root for a 4/17 ER is that we have the Little Guy that weekend but we could arrange for him to stay at his cousin's Saturday night and then just pick him up on our way home and no one has to be any wiser on what we are doing.  It all sounds good, right?

So there I was, feeling very excited about my cycle starting and very sad about my boss leaving...it was a very conflicting afternoon indeed.

Our neighbors had their baby on 3/14.  These are the neighbors that had been trying for quite a while for #3 and that I spilled my guts to last Spring about our IF woes.  I went to her shower last month.  We kept meaning to go over and see the baby but we have been really busy.  The one time we were really ready to go over there both mommy and baby had just fallen asleep.  Anyway, they popped over to our house yesterday evening.  I wasn't prepared for that...I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner.  The dad had the baby and when I stepped up to look at her he handed her to me.  She is the spitting image of her father...no joke.  She's cute and small and wriggly.  Here's the strange part...I didn't really feel anything when I held her.  I wasn't sad, I wasn't bitter, I wasn't excited, I wasn't filled with hope...nothing, nada, zilch.  I just talked to her and touched her little nose and tried to stop her from gouging out her own eyes.  This is a change for me.  I usually avoid holding babies...especially ones that are not family.  I don't think I have held a newborn since our niece was born almost 4 years ago.  I wasn't filled with the "wanting to eat you up" syndrome either.  It was very strange.  I felt very detached and unaffected.  I'm worried about what that means for me.  I don't know if that means I have given up hope or that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  Maybe it means my heart is starting to heal and accept that I won't have a baby of my own.  That can't be it because I got tears in my eyes when I typed that sentence.  My heart has accepted no such thing.  At least not yet.

I have a meeting with my new boss at 2:00 today.  I have some questions and I hope I can come out of there feeling a little less lost.  There's so much change happening around me that I'm having a hard time keeping up.  I need to find a way to relax and release the stress so that my body is ready for this IVF project.  I don't want to look back and have regrets and wonder what would have happened if I had just "relaxed" a little.  I know the word "relax" can be an Infertile's least liked word, but I've seen proof recently that relaxing might actually play a roll in this stupid game.

CD 1

My period started this morning.  And wouldn't you know that I was supposed to have my annual exam this afternoon?  The doctor's office has rescheduled with me twice and I was afraid of this happening.  I made my first phone call to my OB/GYN to reschedule.  She's not free to see me in the office closest to my house until May 3!  My next phone call was to my nurse, Crystal.  I left her a message letting her know that today is day 1.  She should be calling me soon to tell me to start my bcp on Saturday, CD3.  This is really happening...like now.  By the time May 3 comes around I will probably be in my 2ww.  Not sure I will be keeping that appointment.  Probably not a good idea to have a pap when I'm trying to create a great place for a baby to grow.  We'll see.  I'll ask Crystal when I talk to her this afternoon.

I will admit that I was still hoping for a miraculous conception.  My period wasn't late or anything but the only sign that I had that she was coming was a headache Monday night.  I pretty much chalked that up to all the driving I did.  My moods have been pretty mellow, I haven't been overly tired, I don't feel bloated...although my boobs have been hurting since Saturday...but that could mean either pregnant or not....I was going with the former.  Silly girl.

I was happy to see AF arrive, but I was also scared.  We are doing this.  We are spending the money (as dumb as it may be right now) and we are moving forward.  I'm going to be giving myself shots in a little over 3 weeks.  The roller coaster ride has officially begun.

In other news...our neighbor (he has 3 boys and he loves sports and he's really good at sports) is going to be the Little Guy's little league coach this year!  Yay!  I think the LG will learn a lot from him and in a positive way.  They will have practices at the elementary school that is about 2 minutes from our house.  Double yay!  The first practice is this Saturday from 1:00 to 3:00.

My boss's last day is tomorrow.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.  She's been driving me nuts these last 2 weeks trying to get all of her personal electronics straightened out and figured out.  She is very e-challenged and has always been able to just call me into her office when she needs help.  Not anymore.  I'm worried about her.  I've gone over her new cell phone with her and taught her some basic stuff.  She needs to get her phone numbers transferred over and that should be it.  Her office is a mess because she's cleaning stuff out.  My new boss told me today that he wants to have a sit-down Monday to go over a "bunch of things."  I.can't.wait.  Change is inevitable but sometimes it really sucks.

I offered up a peace offering to my co-worker from my last post.  She loves canned coke so I bought her one and left it on her desk with a little note that apologized for being 'difficult'.  She gave me a hug and said that she just wants 'the old TeeJay back'.  I smiled and thought to myself...'yeah, there's a lot of things I wish could be the old way'.  So we are fine for now and things will be so busy for me in the near future that I don't think I'll have time to 'not be nice'.  I'll be focused on work and on my upcoming IVF.  Not much room for anything else.

I have more to blog about but I'm a bit pressed for time right now.  I do want to let everyone know that I'm reading your blogs, I'm just not getting many comments in.  I've figured out how to "like" a post from my iPhone so I have been doing that a lot.  Please know that I am reading and rooting for you and my thoughts are always with you.  You guys are the greatest therapy a girl good have.

Things I Have Learned Recently

1 - Driving to and from Philadelphia in one day is exhausting.  I spent about 7 hours driving on Monday...all by myself.  I'm very proud of myself, though, as I have never driven that far alone before.  It was a little intimidating but I had my mapquest and my GPS to help me out.  I hit minimal traffic and was home by 6:20.

2 - It's a little harder to connect with my sister in person than it is electronically.  We had a nice visit but we were running a little short on things to talk about.  I'll have to write about our relationship another time but it's a little, um, awkward I think.  She's 6 years younger than me and we didn't grow up together.  We had lunch at the mall and talked a little and it was great to see her again.  I love her dearly and wish she didn't live so far away so that we could have a real relationship.

3 - My niece is adorable.  She's almost 3 (next month) and talks like a 4-year old.  She has red hair and brown eyes and skinny little legs.  She's smart, too.  She can play Angry Birds...at 2!  She took a little time to warm up to me but by the end of things she ended up giving me a hug and a kiss good-bye and when I said "I love you" she responded in kind.  *sigh*  My heart melted.  Again, I wish my sister lived closer to me so I could really spend some time with her.

4 - I am apparently very stressed out and it's affecting my personality.  My co-worker/friend sent me an e-mail the other day asking me what has happened to me because I'm not very nice anymore.  Ouch.  There's back story here that justifies a bit of my problem with her, but not all of it.  I have since apologized and listed several reasons why I'm having a hard time lately:  My boss of 11 years is leaving, the other support staff aren't very supportive in the office so everyone is turning to me, I'm planning my boss's retirement party, I have no idea how the dynamic of the office is about to change, changes in the office staff have been rapidly happening around me and I feel lost...like I'm not sure where I fit in around here anymore.  What I didn't mention to her is my upcoming IVF, the fact that BJ's company could be on the brink of bankruptcy (another story for another time) and just my overall feelings of wanting to go away for a couple of weeks to just clear my head and chill and reset myself.  Anyway, we are ok now but I definitely need to make sure I keep my stress level out of my everyday behavior.

5 - My husband has good sperm, they are little warped, but the doctor isn't worried about it.  His concentration was 39 million (they want it above 20), his motility was 63% (they want it above 50%) and his morphology was 10% normal (they prefer it above 14%).  My nurse said that because the concentration was so high there wasn't much concern for the morphology.  Ok, I can live with that.

6 - My husband really needs to listen to me better.  I explained to him, more than once, how confusing the clinic's new location was and told him specifically how to get into the building.  He scoffed at my persistence with him.  Guess what happened?  I got a panicked and nasty, I might add, phone call from him because he was lost and didn't know how to get into the building.  GRRRR!  His phone was cutting out because he was in the parking garage and I was trying to talk and he just kept talking over me...it was not pleasant to say the least.  He finally did what I told him to do (this was probably the 5th time I explained it to him) and he made it with his swimmers just fine.  What is it with some men that they just don't listen?  I was so irritated with him because that phone call was exactly what I was trying to avoid.  But it's done and over and now I know that he will never listen to what I say no matter how many times I say it so I will just save my breath.

7 - I'm exceptionally ready for Spring this year.  The trees along Capitol Hill are starting to bud and the tulips that are planted in the park across the street are growing nicely and will be blooming soon...I can't wait.  I'm so done with the cold weather and the brown grass and bare trees...I really need Spring this year.  It'll be like a new start, hopefully.

Bloggy Buddy in Need of Help

Hi everyone!

Most of you probably already know this but for anyone that doesn't....

My bloggy buddy (and GREAT supporter) Sarah is having an auction to help raise money for their upcoming adoption.  The baby will be here before we know it and Sarah needs all the help she can get.

Please stop by and take a look (here) to see if there is anything you would like to bid on.  If you don't see anything that interests you but you'd like to help, they have a "donate now" button that will let you contribute via PayPal.

Thank you so much for anything you can do to help Sarah bring home her baby!

PS - just as a side note, she'd like to keep her "regular" blog a secret if possible.  Thanks!

Happiness Is...

It's been way too long since I have done of these and I need to get back to it...so here goes.

- noticing the trees up on Capitol Hill are starting to get the tiniest of buds on them...Spring is coming!

- attending a crop for charity last Saturday and getting quite a bit of work done.  I'm about 2 years behind on our family album (that's so sad) so it was really good to get some pages done.

- having a conversation with my little Gizmo.  It usually goes something like this:
me - where's your paper? (his most favorite thing to chase/fetch/bat around is balled up paper!)
him - quiet meow that is barely audible
me - where's your paper??
him - high pitched squeak
me - did you lose it under the stove again?
him - loud squeaky meow
me - I go hunting for the paper and if I can't find it, I make him a new toy.  :-)
He's so much fun

- the Little Guy has baseball tryouts this Saturday!  Yay for baseball being back.  He will be playing kid pitch this year so we are very excited.  Tryouts are basically just to place players in a fair manner onto each team.  He will have a team within a couple of weeks and then practices will be starting!

- going to see my sister and her kids Monday!  She's getting married in June and I'm in the wedding.  We haven't seen each other since the Summer of 2003.  We've had a strained relationship over the years but thanks to FB we have reconnected.  I'll write more about my family eventually but for now I'm just very excited to see her and my nephew and meet my niece for the first time.

- getting a new decal for the back window of my trailblazer.  It was the Redskins emblem but it was old and tired and I decided I needed a change.  So now I have the Capitals emblem back there.  I couldn't thank BJ enough for putting it on for me...now I'm stylin'!

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice on my last post.  I had been doing some web surfing to see if I could find a reason why it happened and many people said it was because of an illness (like my brilliant readers).  If it happens again (not in our bed or the Little Guy's because they have both been banned) I will be getting them both tested for infections.

We are moving right along with our IVF plan.  BJ is scheduled to drop off his, um, sample and get his blood work done Monday.  I'm on CD19 right now (I had to check my FF chart to see where I am!!) but I have no idea when I ovulated because I didn't feel it this month.  However, I'm sure AF will show up next week between the 16th and the 19th.  Once that happens I will call and make my CD3 appointment and then begin bcp on that day as long as everything checks out ok.  We will really be on our way...wow...I sometimes can't believe we are doing this again.

Sometimes I feel like "why are we wasting our money?"  Other times it's "of course it will work this time...we are more prepared as far as my protocol goes."  BJ had a bad experience trying to make his appointment with the receptionist and he called me to vent about it.  In his venting he blurted out that he believes it will not work and that the clinic will just get more of our money.  I let him vent instead of starting an argument by questioning if he's really ready for this.  Of course that sent my mind in motion even more.

Should we be doing this?  Should we just leave well enough alone?  If it works, will it be everything I want it to be?  Will BJ and I clash over child rearing and will my marriage suffer?  With the sleep deprivation that will plague us cause us to constantly bicker?  If it doesn't work will I get my tubes blocked to put an end to this journey?  Will I be able to hold myself together enough knowing that I will be bio-child free for the rest of my life?  Will my marriage suffer because of my depression that is sure to set in?  Will we pursue adoption?  Am I ready to share another child?  How would we afford adoption if we spend $8,000 on a failed IVF?  Adoption can cost up to $30,000...wow.

There are so many questions running through my mind right now.  I know it's because we didn't cycle right away...too much time to think about everything and analyze and second guess.  I know I want a baby, but what if it changes things and not for the better...as far as my marriage goes?  I worry about that.  I worry because BJ already feels like he's too old to start over.  I worry because we don't see eye to eye on about 35% of child rearing issues.  I worry because I don't know how NOT to worry.

I must sound like a rambling fool.  I know I am fortunate enough to be able to pay for an IVF.  Millions of women don't get that opportunity.  I'm just not the type that can move through life with reckless abandon.  I feel that we pretty much did that earlier with our 2 IUI's and our failed IVF.  I would have moved straight to IVF and probably qualified for the shared risk program since I didn't have a failed IVF under my belt yet.  There's no use dwelling on the past but it still really bugs me.

Anyway, I'm just rambling here and I don't even know if this post makes any sense.  I want a baby and I'm hoping with everything I have that I get one out of this.  The fear of the unknown must be what's really bothering me.  I'm hoping to feel differently once I actually start cycling.  Until then, I will sit here and worry about anything and everything.

Total Frustration Day

Yesterday morning one of my cats (at first I thought Gizmo but now I'm not so sure) pissed on my bed.  A LOT.  Right in the middle.  I was stunned to say the least.  More like, angry, scared, confused, anxious...all sorts of things.  All I wanted to do was wring his neck and then try to cover it up somehow so that BJ wouldn't find out.  I didn't do either.  I ripped the bedspread (that I searched for months for) off the bed and the sheets and then I remembered that we have a mattress pad on our bed.  It came off, too.  Thankfully none of it soaked through to the mattress.  A new mattress is not in the budget right now.  I decided to lock both cats in the basement with their food, water and bed for the day.  I started the washing machine and out the door I went.  Then came the fun task of telling BJ.  I know his feelings...if the cat pees in the house, it has to go.  I told him and he was upset and confused just as I was.  He got home first and he actually let both cats out of the basement.  He was nice to both, too.  He loves Gizmo more than he thought he would.  He gives him kisses and holds him like a baby and calls him his buddy.  However, if it happens again we will have problems.  Especially since now we aren't sure which cat did the deed.  It's too much to type out but Gizmo was definitely the front runner until I really started thinking that maybe Smokey was ticked about Gizmo jumping up on the bed...HER bed....that she has been banned from (at night) since we brought Gizmo home because he woke BJ up climbing on us.  The litter boxes have been cleaned better than usual and the tops taken off as I read an article that says cats prefer to be able to see when they pee.  They were not locked in the basement today but all bedroom doors were closed.  I haven't tried to clean my bedspread yet...that is tonight's task.  I will be so upset if it's ruined.  Wish me luck.

I'm so scared it will happen again.  I can't have a cat for a pet that lives outside.  What is the point of having it as a pet?  Also, it's too dangerous out there for little kitties what with other animals and raccoons and other cats.  And I can't get rid of them.  I would die inside.  If I was 100% certain which cat it was maybe I could figure out why it happened.  Parting with either of them would kill me...I would suffer a broken heart for sure.  I've had Smokey for almost 10 years...she was with me through some very dark times in my life.  She was my cuddle partner on many lonely nights and she always makes me smile.  And Gizmo, he's such a bright spot in our lives.  He's so verbal with us and so much fun to play with and he just loves getting his belly rubbed when I come home from work.

I have been so stressed about this since it happened.  I can hardly think of anything else but my babies.  I have to hope and pray that neither of them do anything like this again.  I wish they could really understand me when I talk to them.  Please don't pee anywhere but in your litter box, Kitties...mommy loves you so much and I can't bear the thought of losing either of you!!!

Things I Have Learned Recently

- it's better (for me) to travel with just my husband and not another couple.  It's too difficult to figure out what everyone wants to do and keep everyone happy.  Especially when, in my opinion, there should be some alone time for each couple.  We traveled to Atlantic City with our neighbors.  It was fine, but not great.  I told BJ that we need a real vacation.

- above mentioned neighbor never ceases to surprise me with her parenting ways.  All of her kids are in their early 20's.  She said that the first night she had her son at home (her first born) she woke up at every noise he made and so she decided that it was time for him to sleep in his own room.  I know there are plenty of parents that do this and I don't judge you at all.  The tone of her voice was what threw me for a loop.  It was as if her sleep were more important than making sure her kid was ok.  She didn't even have a monitor to listen to him...she said if SIDS is going to happen it's going to happen no matter where they sleep.  While this may be true, I have heard and read that listening to mom and/or dad breath can help "remind" the infant to keep breathing.  Maybe I'm being too hard on her, after all, she was not an infertile so maybe the panic of maybe-my-happiness-will-be-taken-away-from-me-if-I-don't-guard-it-to-the-fullest-extent-possible did not plague her every thought.

- I really hate winter.  We have had 3 wonderful days (60's to near 70's) scattered over the last 2 1/2 weeks and then it jumps right back into the 30's.  Yuck.  I'm so over Winter.

- I like going to a comedy show with my husband.  We saw a show in Atlantic City and we both laughed a lot.  It was the best thing we did.

- the Little Guy's mother needs a lesson in paying attention.  We had him last Thursday night and then not again until last night because of our trip.  He took a shower yesterday morning because she forgot that he hadn't had a shower since last Thursday.  Disgusting.

- it's nice not peeing on opk's and taking my temperature.  And to tell you the truth, it has helped me to relax a bit.  I know that the IVF is around the corner so I'm not going to stress about opk's right now.  And I will let you in on a secret...I don't even know what cycle day I'm on.  Can you believe that?  That hasn't happened in, well, years.

- while it may seem like a good idea to plan a trip when your boss is going to be out of town, don't be surprised if everything changes while you are gone....like the out of town boss was really in town because the meeting was moved locally.  My boss is retiring, I think I've mentioned that before, and her end date was pretty open ended....late March, early April.  That gave me time to fit in my IVF with lots of understanding because she, too, was an infertile.  Well, she was given her end date while I was out of town...March 18.  Egads!  That's only 2 weeks away...and well before my IVF!  Our 2nd in command is being named acting director and I have no idea what that means for me.  He's a man...a man that practically lives at work and thinks everyone else should too.  I really hope this doesn't add a myriad of stressors (I don't think that's a word) to my IVF cycle.

- I love my iPhone...I was able to read quite a few blog posts while I was away and that helped me to keep up with all my bloggy buddies.  I didn't have a chance to comment but I was reading!

- I'm really bummed about my boss leaving.  I've been on the verge of tears since I learned her actual departure date.  I've only ever had one boss in the last (almost) 11 years...this is going to be very tough on me.

- I need to make a real commitment to fitness.  I'm hating my jiggling body and now is the perfect time to try and lose a few pounds and tone up a little bit before the IVF.  As we all know, those meds can really mess with a girl's body.

Those are just some of the things I've learned recently.  I'm sure there are more but those are the standouts.  I hope everyone is having a good week.