There are some definite emotional aspects of losing a pregnancy; I think we can all agree on that. Some of them I was prepared for, others not so much. Today, however, I want to talk a little bit about the physical aspects of what I am going through. Some of this is because I have stopped all the meds but the changes are still changes no matter the reason. I need to give a voice to some of these things and my blog is the perfect place to unload. I promise that not all of my posts will be downer posts but right now I’m a bit overwhelmed with my feelings and I don’t have the ability to let it out in my everyday life.
One of the first physical changes I have noticed is that I’m not nearly as tired as I was before. I miss the tiredness.
I’m not sickened by tomatoes anymore. This symptom was rather exciting to experience. I’ve read about and heard 100 stories about people that can’t eat one thing or another that used to be their favorite and it was really cool to have that happen to me. I wish tomatoes still made me feel sick.
I’ve had some really painful cramps with this period. There were a few times that I had to catch my breath because it felt like someone was stabbing my ovary or my uterus with a machete. This pain was tough to deal with as I knew it didn’t mean good things were happening in that part of my body.
As of this morning, my boobs have quit hurting. Mind you, they have been pretty damn sore since about the 3rd day of my birth control pills. The pain eased up a little after retrieval but then promptly started aching like crazy again shortly thereafter. I don’t think they actually had time to grow but they sure felt a bit more “solid” through this whole thing. I miss the boob pain. The pain was the last trace of physical evidence that I had that my body tried to create a life.
I am pad/panty liner free as of a few hours ago. I had been wearing a panty liner since the day after retrieval because of the progesterone suppositories. I was irritated by them and I was sick of oozing but I was hoping to have to wear them for several more weeks. I still needed them after I stopped the meds as there was some residual “exiting” going on. Then the period came.
My period was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it would be. I guess it’s true when they say a lot of early pregnancies terminate themselves ever before the woman knows she’s pregnant. I sure couldn’t tell that I had been on extra E2 or that my ute was trying to fill up for a baby. The period started Sunday morning and was pretty much gone by Tuesday morning, aside from some spotting. So this morning I took my liner off.
I had a rough evening last night. It was baseball practice night so BJ and the Little Guy were not home when I got there and it was my job to cook dinner. I reached to get the pot for the spaghetti noodles and saw the mail on the counter. It was only 2 things and as I picked up the first item I was sucker punched when I saw what the second thing was. It was a brochure from our local hospital. The front cover had a mom and her newborn and the words, “Thinking of having a baby?” I stared at it for a second and then promptly picked it up, tore it in half and threw it in the trash. I was so angry at BJ for leaving it there. My anger and hurt eventually built to a boiling point. When the Little Guy went up to take a shower I started crying. I couldn’t stop, I could barely catch my breath. BJ came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told him that it just really hurts and it gets to be too much sometimes. And he had the nerve to ask me “what does?”. I couldn’t speak. And then he said, “the baby thing?”. All I could do was nod. How could this man be so blind? He gave me a hug and I cried for a few minutes. I am shocked at how quickly he has recovered and apparently forgotten what just happened to us, to me. I told him it was really hard to come home and see that flyer from the hospital and he said he meant to throw it away. Really? The trashcan is about 5 feet from where he laid it down on the counter. I obviously can’t share my grief with him. He’s shown that he’s not emotionally available to me. I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good at dealing with people that grieve but I thought it would be different this time considering he lost something too. I was afraid of what a BFN would do to our relationship and now I’m even more afraid of what this loss will do. I’m too emotional and too raw right now to have to worry about my marriage so I’m just going to do my best to suck it up when I’m around him and do my grieving in private and on my blog. I love him too much to even think about losing him too.
A better post is coming tomorrow, I promise. There are other things going on in my life besides these recent events and they deserve some recognition, too.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Spilling the Beans
There are now 2 people at work that know about the recent events in my life. For someone that really likes to keep things private I have managed to have 2 breakdowns at work in 2 days. Go figure.
The first person is a RPL girl. She married later than most of us and apparently started trying for kids right away. I don’t know her whole story but I know she had 4 miscarriages. She ended up having to have a hysterectomy last month and I feel so badly for her. She comes from a very large, very loving and all involved family and I know she wanted a child of her own in the worst way. She stopped by my desk yesterday afternoon to ask me if I had seen a coworker’s new baby yet. I said that I hadn’t and she said, “Oh, you have to come see her!” And I choked out the words, “I can’t” and she said, “but why??” And that’s when I lost it and confessed. She was very sympathetic and said the right thing, “I know there’s nothing I can say except that I’m so sorry.” She had a few questions and I answered them. She said how much she hates Mother’s day and I agreed. I felt a little better after letting that out.
Today is when the other person found out. It’s the same co-worker friend that I wrote about earlier when she called me out for not “being nice anymore”. I went into her office for something and she said, “I heard you laughing earlier, but it sounded really fake....are you ok?” And again the tears came and I blurted it out. She hugged me and at first was a bit excited for me as she said, “well at least you now know that you can get pregnant!” I had to explain everything to her. She knew there was nothing comforting to say to me so she just hugged me and said that I would be ok. Then she went on to suggest adoption. Not what I needed to hear. I had to tell her how expensive it is and she was very surprised. The more we talked the more we went down a road I didn’t want to go down. She said that she knows I’m hurting and she can’t even imagine my pain (all good) and then she said that for whatever reason, and she believes there is a reason, it’s just not in the cards for me. Ouch. As if I weren’t already starting to really believe that myself. She said that I have many wonderful things in my life (a fact not lost on me) and maybe I just need to focus on those things. Double ouch. She said that in her own life she has often wondered why some things happen to her and later on down the road she usually gets her answer and she understands why. She said that later on in my life I will understand why this happened and why I haven’t been able to achieve this goal. All true, but I don’t want to hear it. She was helpful and sympathetic, just a little too realistic for me right now.
It’s very strange, but I haven’t heard back from my dad or my stepmom after yesterday’s e-mail. I really expected a phone call last night or a response e-mail today. I haven’t gotten anything. I wonder what that means. I hope they aren’t mad at me for trying this again. And even though I was hoping they would offer to help finance another endeavor I don’t really expect my dad to offer up $30,000 for donor egg or adoption. In my e-mail I just stated how much those options were and complained about how the infertile community is completely taken advantage of. I clearly explained that I believed this to be the end of the road for us. I just hope I didn’t anger them in any way. That is the last thing I wanted to do.
Thanks again to all of my readers and commenters and e-mailers....you really do help and you make me smile real smiles. I know I will get through this and having you by my side will make the healing process more bearable.
The first person is a RPL girl. She married later than most of us and apparently started trying for kids right away. I don’t know her whole story but I know she had 4 miscarriages. She ended up having to have a hysterectomy last month and I feel so badly for her. She comes from a very large, very loving and all involved family and I know she wanted a child of her own in the worst way. She stopped by my desk yesterday afternoon to ask me if I had seen a coworker’s new baby yet. I said that I hadn’t and she said, “Oh, you have to come see her!” And I choked out the words, “I can’t” and she said, “but why??” And that’s when I lost it and confessed. She was very sympathetic and said the right thing, “I know there’s nothing I can say except that I’m so sorry.” She had a few questions and I answered them. She said how much she hates Mother’s day and I agreed. I felt a little better after letting that out.
Today is when the other person found out. It’s the same co-worker friend that I wrote about earlier when she called me out for not “being nice anymore”. I went into her office for something and she said, “I heard you laughing earlier, but it sounded really fake....are you ok?” And again the tears came and I blurted it out. She hugged me and at first was a bit excited for me as she said, “well at least you now know that you can get pregnant!” I had to explain everything to her. She knew there was nothing comforting to say to me so she just hugged me and said that I would be ok. Then she went on to suggest adoption. Not what I needed to hear. I had to tell her how expensive it is and she was very surprised. The more we talked the more we went down a road I didn’t want to go down. She said that she knows I’m hurting and she can’t even imagine my pain (all good) and then she said that for whatever reason, and she believes there is a reason, it’s just not in the cards for me. Ouch. As if I weren’t already starting to really believe that myself. She said that I have many wonderful things in my life (a fact not lost on me) and maybe I just need to focus on those things. Double ouch. She said that in her own life she has often wondered why some things happen to her and later on down the road she usually gets her answer and she understands why. She said that later on in my life I will understand why this happened and why I haven’t been able to achieve this goal. All true, but I don’t want to hear it. She was helpful and sympathetic, just a little too realistic for me right now.
It’s very strange, but I haven’t heard back from my dad or my stepmom after yesterday’s e-mail. I really expected a phone call last night or a response e-mail today. I haven’t gotten anything. I wonder what that means. I hope they aren’t mad at me for trying this again. And even though I was hoping they would offer to help finance another endeavor I don’t really expect my dad to offer up $30,000 for donor egg or adoption. In my e-mail I just stated how much those options were and complained about how the infertile community is completely taken advantage of. I clearly explained that I believed this to be the end of the road for us. I just hope I didn’t anger them in any way. That is the last thing I wanted to do.
Thanks again to all of my readers and commenters and e-mailers....you really do help and you make me smile real smiles. I know I will get through this and having you by my side will make the healing process more bearable.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Trying to Move On
Hello everyone. I must say that I’m super impressed with how this community can pull together. Especially in times of crisis. Reading all of your comments last week really let me know how awesome y’all are. I’ve never felt more supported and understood. Thank you so very much.
Some of you may be wondering how I could get my hopes up so high so quickly. Let me explain. I’ve been waiting for a positive pregnancy test for 10 years. Yes, I was apprehensive to believe it at first. Once I saw that beautiful pink line (on my 3rd test) and when that was followed by my wanting to spit out any trace of tomato that entered my mouth I was ecstatic on the inside. Sure, I was a bit panicked when my 4th test line was lighter. The way I rationalized this whole process was like this: If God was going to let me get this far, with a positive test and food aversions, then He’d let me go all the way. I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing but I had no idea how quickly it’d be over either. I know I was foolish to get so attached so quickly. I was incredibly bold to think that it all would work out when I was weeks away from a heartbeat. I should have known better. Something magical happened to me when I saw those lines. I believed for the first time ever that this was my ticket to motherhood. I’ve always hoped and prayed and begged, but I’ve never believed it like I did for those few days. Looking back I can see how naïve I was but I just couldn’t help it. It was the happiest I have been in a long time.
We were supposed to go to BJ’s sister’s house Friday night for his nephew’s “family” birthday party. She’s having the “friend” party this weekend but I am unable to attend as I have a scrapbooking event. I told BJ how much I didn’t want to go. There will be lots of people, at least 3 toddlers and one baby. No thank you. We didn’t want to go in the first place because BJ will be taking the Little Guy to the “friend” party this weekend so why go twice? I told him to tell her the truth. So he did. He called me back and said how upset she was for us. She had an ectopic about 11 years ago so she knows a little about the pain of loss. The difference is that she went on to have 3 healthy babies pretty much at will. She called me after the party and we talked for a little while. She confided in me about something BJ said to her. He said, “(insert SIL’s name), I’ve never seen TeeJay like that...she was just glowing with happiness.” It broke my heart to hear that. Mainly because I was trying hard to stay focused and not get too carried away with my emotions. Major fail there. I obviously wear my emotions where everyone can see them. She said that she wished she had money to give us to try again. She’s very sweet and I’m lucky to have her as my SIL.
The rest of the weekend was pretty lame and laid back, exactly what I needed. We didn’t talk about it much. I had a few weak moments where I cried. We went out Saturday and I ordered an iced tea. And then after dinner I ordered a drink. I hadn’t had caffeine in over 2 weeks and I hadn’t had a drink in about 4 weeks. As I sipped them both I was saddened. I didn’t want them. I wanted to be pregnant and be avoiding drinks like that. Indulging in both of them did nothing but bring me down. I know this will get easier but right now it just plain sucks. I was raking the front yard again and thought, “Well, I don’t have to take it easy this time.” Tears again. I told BJ that even though it was nice to spend yesterday with him it was the worst Mother’s day I’ve ever had. My period showed up yesterday morning as the exclamation point that I am no longer pregnant. Nice, huh?
I sent my parents an e-mail today explaining what happened. I wanted them to know and I’m selfishly hoping they will offer to help pay for another method of expanding our family. I don’t hold out much hope on that front but maybe I’ll be surprised. I will probably hear from them later on this evening. I just really wanted them to know that we tried again and almost made it to the other side. There have been events in the past involving their children which they have wished they knew about so I felt that I needed to tell them this.
I’m still making my way through all the Mother’s day posts from over the weekend. I pretty much avoided most blogs this weekend but I’m slowly catching up and have even been able to comment on a few. Unfortunately, I didn’t think I’d ever be one of those girls that stopped following someone because they got pregnant but it happened. It wasn’t so much that this person got pregnant, it was more the fact that she was due 4 days after what would have been my due date. I just couldn’t follow along. Maybe that makes me selfish and silly but I don’t know of any other way to protect myself. Following blogs with babies and women that are well into their pregnancies is not having the same effect on me. Maybe I’ll get over that hurdle and it won’t be so hard, I just don’t know right now.
Some of you may be wondering how I could get my hopes up so high so quickly. Let me explain. I’ve been waiting for a positive pregnancy test for 10 years. Yes, I was apprehensive to believe it at first. Once I saw that beautiful pink line (on my 3rd test) and when that was followed by my wanting to spit out any trace of tomato that entered my mouth I was ecstatic on the inside. Sure, I was a bit panicked when my 4th test line was lighter. The way I rationalized this whole process was like this: If God was going to let me get this far, with a positive test and food aversions, then He’d let me go all the way. I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing but I had no idea how quickly it’d be over either. I know I was foolish to get so attached so quickly. I was incredibly bold to think that it all would work out when I was weeks away from a heartbeat. I should have known better. Something magical happened to me when I saw those lines. I believed for the first time ever that this was my ticket to motherhood. I’ve always hoped and prayed and begged, but I’ve never believed it like I did for those few days. Looking back I can see how naïve I was but I just couldn’t help it. It was the happiest I have been in a long time.
We were supposed to go to BJ’s sister’s house Friday night for his nephew’s “family” birthday party. She’s having the “friend” party this weekend but I am unable to attend as I have a scrapbooking event. I told BJ how much I didn’t want to go. There will be lots of people, at least 3 toddlers and one baby. No thank you. We didn’t want to go in the first place because BJ will be taking the Little Guy to the “friend” party this weekend so why go twice? I told him to tell her the truth. So he did. He called me back and said how upset she was for us. She had an ectopic about 11 years ago so she knows a little about the pain of loss. The difference is that she went on to have 3 healthy babies pretty much at will. She called me after the party and we talked for a little while. She confided in me about something BJ said to her. He said, “(insert SIL’s name), I’ve never seen TeeJay like that...she was just glowing with happiness.” It broke my heart to hear that. Mainly because I was trying hard to stay focused and not get too carried away with my emotions. Major fail there. I obviously wear my emotions where everyone can see them. She said that she wished she had money to give us to try again. She’s very sweet and I’m lucky to have her as my SIL.
The rest of the weekend was pretty lame and laid back, exactly what I needed. We didn’t talk about it much. I had a few weak moments where I cried. We went out Saturday and I ordered an iced tea. And then after dinner I ordered a drink. I hadn’t had caffeine in over 2 weeks and I hadn’t had a drink in about 4 weeks. As I sipped them both I was saddened. I didn’t want them. I wanted to be pregnant and be avoiding drinks like that. Indulging in both of them did nothing but bring me down. I know this will get easier but right now it just plain sucks. I was raking the front yard again and thought, “Well, I don’t have to take it easy this time.” Tears again. I told BJ that even though it was nice to spend yesterday with him it was the worst Mother’s day I’ve ever had. My period showed up yesterday morning as the exclamation point that I am no longer pregnant. Nice, huh?
I sent my parents an e-mail today explaining what happened. I wanted them to know and I’m selfishly hoping they will offer to help pay for another method of expanding our family. I don’t hold out much hope on that front but maybe I’ll be surprised. I will probably hear from them later on this evening. I just really wanted them to know that we tried again and almost made it to the other side. There have been events in the past involving their children which they have wished they knew about so I felt that I needed to tell them this.
I’m still making my way through all the Mother’s day posts from over the weekend. I pretty much avoided most blogs this weekend but I’m slowly catching up and have even been able to comment on a few. Unfortunately, I didn’t think I’d ever be one of those girls that stopped following someone because they got pregnant but it happened. It wasn’t so much that this person got pregnant, it was more the fact that she was due 4 days after what would have been my due date. I just couldn’t follow along. Maybe that makes me selfish and silly but I don’t know of any other way to protect myself. Following blogs with babies and women that are well into their pregnancies is not having the same effect on me. Maybe I’ll get over that hurdle and it won’t be so hard, I just don’t know right now.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
14dp5dt - Beta #2
This will probably be a very long and rambly type post and I apologize in advance. I've never been in this situation before and there is a lot going on inside my head and heart. I've only been able to release a few snippets at home so unfortunately I'm going to unload here. For those that want just the basics my number came back at 30.5. I have to go back in a week to make sure I'm at 0 and that I don't have an infection.
I had such hopes for this cycle. Everything was different this time and I just knew it work. I was mainly calm and relaxed and going with the flow. I even took time off work to help me maintain my new relaxed state. My monitoring appointments went well. I was still responding low, but consistent. My E2 was rising quite nicely and I had 5 mature eggs at retrieval. I had 3 embryos growing. I actually had a blast and an early blast on transfer day. They weren't great quality but I had them. I know you all know these stats already but somehow seeing it in writing makes it more real for me.
I had a really bad headache that usually means my natural hormones are dropping and that a cycle has failed. I was beginning to convince myself that my poor little, poor quality embryos didn't make it. I bought a 2 pack hpt on a whim. I saw the faintest of a 2nd line. I was blown away. I didn't know how to react. I didn't even tell my husband about that test. I still haven't. So I took another one and saw the line again. It was time to get a good quality test. The morning of May 1, 2011 changed my life. I saw a very distinct 2nd line. This was the first time I knew that we had made a baby. I was scared, excited, anxious, confused and many more emotions. This doesn't happen to me. I don't get the happy ending. I continue to suffer, to agonize, to watch everyone else get babies while my womb remains empty.
Then it got more real. I couldn't stop smiling. I touched my belly a few times and was overcome with such love and hope that I didn't know what to do with it all. I looked up my due date, January 7. I told Gizmo (my kitten) that he would soon have to share his mommy with another baby. As I was climbing up into BJ's truck I told him that he really needs to think about investing in the side steps because I'm going to be needing them if I'm to ever be able to ride in his truck. We went to 5 Guys for lunch on Sunday. I gagged when we walked in. I had to take my tomato off my burger in order to finish it. The fries were not appetizing, either. The texture of the tomato was not agreeing with me. I didn't even want to see it. I knew then that I was pregnant. (That's the first time I've said (or typed) those words). We had the Little Guy's baseball game that afternoon. He was playing his cousin's team so BJ's BIL was there along with the BIL's parents. It was so hard not to blurt it out to them. At the same time it was nice having that little secret.
Monday was a little scary for me when my test line wasn't as dark but after constantly googling and the help of my blog buddies, I calmed down and just accepted the fact that everything would be ok. Different tests, dehydration, some women have more HCG at night it seems, and so on. I was putting my positive hat back on. I even went as far as looking at the calendar for next year and figuring out that with my maternity leave and my saved up vacation that if I had the baby in early January, I wouldn't be going back to work until early May. What a lovely thought.
Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4:30 (for the 4th morning in a row) and couldn't go back to sleep my mind began to wander. I started thinking of what kind of furniture I would want in the nursery. I decided on white wood to keep it light and bright and "baby-like". And then I started thinking about things we would need and how I'd need to do all kinds of research on products and how I'd finally get to write a post asking the new moms what their favorite items were. I was thinking of how our 2 neighbors just had little girls and that our baby would get to grow up with them...instant friends. This was the first time I was looking forward to a beta with no anxiety (well, a little) and with hope. I couldn't wait to get that call. BJ met me for lunch and we ate and talked, it was nice. He actually told me that he had some butterflies, too. I again had to remove the tomato from my sandwich. This baby obviously does not like them as much as I do. I went home and BJ went back to work. He called me within 20 minutes saying that he was coming home. He didn't say it, but I know that he wanted to be with me for the call. As we waited we just sat on the couch quietly chatting. I told him it was only going to be good news...I just knew it. I was wrong.
Through tears I explained to him what the nurse said and what it most likely meant. He said he was sorry and he held me while I cried. He made a comment that hurt me more than it helped me when I told him I just didn't get how we could get this close and have it taken away from us. He said, "because those doctors are trying to play God." I didn't have the emotional will power to argue with him at that time. That discussion came last night but I won't get into that right now. We had a meeting at the LG's school shortly after the call so we hauled ourselves out of the house. Once we got back I googled the Hell out of low betas just trying to give myself some hope. It didn't really work. Most of what I read was bad. Most low betas were earlier than mine so it didn't really apply to me. Some people were panicking over a beta in the 100's and 200's. Really? Again, not helpful to me. The LG had practice and I was going to go since it was such a beautiful day outside but decided I didn't want to socialize with any of the other mothers. When BJ got home he said he was glad I didn't go because there was a pregnant woman there. I'm glad I stayed home too. It gave me a chance to beg God out loud not to take my baby. I don't have many "out loud" conversations with God, mainly they take place in my head. This night, however, required a certain octave.
I've never felt more desperate to hold onto something. I've been in love with this baby since I saw that first faint line. I know many people will say that it never was a baby...it was too early to be anything. I disagree. I saw the embryos. They didn't look good but they were alive and growing. I got a positive test, I got 4 positive tests and a positive beta. I will always think of this as my baby. I don't know why God chose this path for me. It's not something I will ever understand. I just have to learn to accept the fact that I am not meant to carry a child. The money is gone. There are no more options. Adoption is too expensive to consider and I'm not emotionally ready for that, nor do I know if I ever will be. I might consider donor eggs but that is another emotional roller coaster that I'm not sure I can deal with. I will admit that I'm thinking about it. Of course I'd have to take a loan from my parents for such a thing. I'm not ready to think of next steps yet. I'm not done getting over this loss and what this loss means for us. I know what a hard time I had last time when our IVF failed and I didn't get a positive test. BJ said he sort of wished I had never peed on any of those sticks. I'm glad I did it. I have this saying going through my head - it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I accomplished my goal of getting pregnant before my 35th birthday. I guess I should have been more specific with that goal. I now know what it feels like to really know that there is a life trying to grow inside me. I loved that feeling. I loved those 4 1/2 days. BJ and I had talked about waiting a while before telling anyone. I changed that plan to telling certain people as soon as we saw a heartbeat. I told him that we would probably get an u/s in 2 or 3 weeks to confirm a heartbeat. I was so excited thinking about ways to tell the LG and my parents. I'm debating on telling my parents this story anyway. I'd like them to know my pain so that they can offer support because I really need it. On the other hand I don't want to hurt them. I don't know what to do. There's so much more to write but I'm draining myself right now so I will end this here.
Thank you all so much for your support and your hope and your words of wisdom. I would be lost without all of you. If you've made it this far you deserve an award but all I have to offer is my sincerest of thank you's.
I had such hopes for this cycle. Everything was different this time and I just knew it work. I was mainly calm and relaxed and going with the flow. I even took time off work to help me maintain my new relaxed state. My monitoring appointments went well. I was still responding low, but consistent. My E2 was rising quite nicely and I had 5 mature eggs at retrieval. I had 3 embryos growing. I actually had a blast and an early blast on transfer day. They weren't great quality but I had them. I know you all know these stats already but somehow seeing it in writing makes it more real for me.
I had a really bad headache that usually means my natural hormones are dropping and that a cycle has failed. I was beginning to convince myself that my poor little, poor quality embryos didn't make it. I bought a 2 pack hpt on a whim. I saw the faintest of a 2nd line. I was blown away. I didn't know how to react. I didn't even tell my husband about that test. I still haven't. So I took another one and saw the line again. It was time to get a good quality test. The morning of May 1, 2011 changed my life. I saw a very distinct 2nd line. This was the first time I knew that we had made a baby. I was scared, excited, anxious, confused and many more emotions. This doesn't happen to me. I don't get the happy ending. I continue to suffer, to agonize, to watch everyone else get babies while my womb remains empty.
Then it got more real. I couldn't stop smiling. I touched my belly a few times and was overcome with such love and hope that I didn't know what to do with it all. I looked up my due date, January 7. I told Gizmo (my kitten) that he would soon have to share his mommy with another baby. As I was climbing up into BJ's truck I told him that he really needs to think about investing in the side steps because I'm going to be needing them if I'm to ever be able to ride in his truck. We went to 5 Guys for lunch on Sunday. I gagged when we walked in. I had to take my tomato off my burger in order to finish it. The fries were not appetizing, either. The texture of the tomato was not agreeing with me. I didn't even want to see it. I knew then that I was pregnant. (That's the first time I've said (or typed) those words). We had the Little Guy's baseball game that afternoon. He was playing his cousin's team so BJ's BIL was there along with the BIL's parents. It was so hard not to blurt it out to them. At the same time it was nice having that little secret.
Monday was a little scary for me when my test line wasn't as dark but after constantly googling and the help of my blog buddies, I calmed down and just accepted the fact that everything would be ok. Different tests, dehydration, some women have more HCG at night it seems, and so on. I was putting my positive hat back on. I even went as far as looking at the calendar for next year and figuring out that with my maternity leave and my saved up vacation that if I had the baby in early January, I wouldn't be going back to work until early May. What a lovely thought.
Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4:30 (for the 4th morning in a row) and couldn't go back to sleep my mind began to wander. I started thinking of what kind of furniture I would want in the nursery. I decided on white wood to keep it light and bright and "baby-like". And then I started thinking about things we would need and how I'd need to do all kinds of research on products and how I'd finally get to write a post asking the new moms what their favorite items were. I was thinking of how our 2 neighbors just had little girls and that our baby would get to grow up with them...instant friends. This was the first time I was looking forward to a beta with no anxiety (well, a little) and with hope. I couldn't wait to get that call. BJ met me for lunch and we ate and talked, it was nice. He actually told me that he had some butterflies, too. I again had to remove the tomato from my sandwich. This baby obviously does not like them as much as I do. I went home and BJ went back to work. He called me within 20 minutes saying that he was coming home. He didn't say it, but I know that he wanted to be with me for the call. As we waited we just sat on the couch quietly chatting. I told him it was only going to be good news...I just knew it. I was wrong.
Through tears I explained to him what the nurse said and what it most likely meant. He said he was sorry and he held me while I cried. He made a comment that hurt me more than it helped me when I told him I just didn't get how we could get this close and have it taken away from us. He said, "because those doctors are trying to play God." I didn't have the emotional will power to argue with him at that time. That discussion came last night but I won't get into that right now. We had a meeting at the LG's school shortly after the call so we hauled ourselves out of the house. Once we got back I googled the Hell out of low betas just trying to give myself some hope. It didn't really work. Most of what I read was bad. Most low betas were earlier than mine so it didn't really apply to me. Some people were panicking over a beta in the 100's and 200's. Really? Again, not helpful to me. The LG had practice and I was going to go since it was such a beautiful day outside but decided I didn't want to socialize with any of the other mothers. When BJ got home he said he was glad I didn't go because there was a pregnant woman there. I'm glad I stayed home too. It gave me a chance to beg God out loud not to take my baby. I don't have many "out loud" conversations with God, mainly they take place in my head. This night, however, required a certain octave.
I've never felt more desperate to hold onto something. I've been in love with this baby since I saw that first faint line. I know many people will say that it never was a baby...it was too early to be anything. I disagree. I saw the embryos. They didn't look good but they were alive and growing. I got a positive test, I got 4 positive tests and a positive beta. I will always think of this as my baby. I don't know why God chose this path for me. It's not something I will ever understand. I just have to learn to accept the fact that I am not meant to carry a child. The money is gone. There are no more options. Adoption is too expensive to consider and I'm not emotionally ready for that, nor do I know if I ever will be. I might consider donor eggs but that is another emotional roller coaster that I'm not sure I can deal with. I will admit that I'm thinking about it. Of course I'd have to take a loan from my parents for such a thing. I'm not ready to think of next steps yet. I'm not done getting over this loss and what this loss means for us. I know what a hard time I had last time when our IVF failed and I didn't get a positive test. BJ said he sort of wished I had never peed on any of those sticks. I'm glad I did it. I have this saying going through my head - it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I accomplished my goal of getting pregnant before my 35th birthday. I guess I should have been more specific with that goal. I now know what it feels like to really know that there is a life trying to grow inside me. I loved that feeling. I loved those 4 1/2 days. BJ and I had talked about waiting a while before telling anyone. I changed that plan to telling certain people as soon as we saw a heartbeat. I told him that we would probably get an u/s in 2 or 3 weeks to confirm a heartbeat. I was so excited thinking about ways to tell the LG and my parents. I'm debating on telling my parents this story anyway. I'd like them to know my pain so that they can offer support because I really need it. On the other hand I don't want to hurt them. I don't know what to do. There's so much more to write but I'm draining myself right now so I will end this here.
Thank you all so much for your support and your hope and your words of wisdom. I would be lost without all of you. If you've made it this far you deserve an award but all I have to offer is my sincerest of thank you's.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
12dp5dt - Beta Results
38
Now I know why yesterday's test was lighter than Sunday's.
Have to go back in Thursday morning to see if by some miracle this baby sticks around.
Not holding out any hope.
Thank you all for your support and I'm sorry that I don't have better news to report.
This fucking sucks. I'm such a sucker for hope. Fuck hope.
Now I know why yesterday's test was lighter than Sunday's.
Have to go back in Thursday morning to see if by some miracle this baby sticks around.
Not holding out any hope.
Thank you all for your support and I'm sorry that I don't have better news to report.
This fucking sucks. I'm such a sucker for hope. Fuck hope.
Monday, May 2, 2011
11dp5dt - Really Scared Right Now - Updated**
**Going for my beta at 8:30 tomorrow morning. My nurse said that if I had talked with her yesterday she still would not have let me come in today. She also said that the results would be in around 1:00 and she tries to call all the beta patients first. So by this time tomorrow I'll have my first number. I'm sure they will want to do another one on Thursday or Friday. I called my OB/GYN's office to reschedule my annual exam. The receptionist said that if I get a good number tomorrow to call them and schedule my first real appointment. She wished me luck. It was so surreal to have that conversation and to talk about how "far along I am". Me. I had a phone conversation with BJ earlier and we were talking about gas prices and I how I'm pissed at our government for letting oil companies do this to us. He said, "don't get yourself so worked up...you're pregnant." Wow...strong words to hear out loud. I couldn't help but smile big and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm still feeling all the twinges and "full" in my ute area and I'm hoping that is a very good thing. I am going to enjoy this feeling right now and just hope and pray for a good beta tomorrow. I know it will be positive and I'm hoping for it to be above 100 at this point. I'm not coming to work after the test as we have a meeting at the Little Guy's school in the afternoon. I will update you guys as soon as I can. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I hate that IF has ruined us to always think the worst. I'm going to try really hard to not let that be the case anymore. I've gotten this far with staying pretty calm and letting my faith carry me through. I need to try harder to let go of these fears. You guys help a a lot. Thank you!
___________________________________________________
Even though I have been trying to be level headed and calm about this...I am in love with the thought that there is a baby growing in me right now. I can't stop smiling, inside or out. I keep saying it in my head but have yet to be able to say the words out loud. And this morning after I peed on my last FRER I was actually excited to turn it over. I've never really been excited about a hpt before....more like scared and anxious and hopeful. However that excited feeling quickly escaped my body as my heart sank and I saw that the line was lighter than yesterdays line. It's definitely there and I don't need a magnifying glass to see it, but shouldn't it at least be the same as yesterday?
I've already been busy googling what this could mean. Most of it is not good. There have been a few people where it didn't make much difference but mostly, it's bad news. One of my bloggy buddies actually commented that one of her tests were lighter several days after the initial positive. That is encouraging but there's still all the other people that had a bad outcome. I'm scared shitless right now while trying to stay positive. That's an odd mix. All I keep saying to myself and to God is please let this baby stay with me. I've never been this close, I've never had these emotions before. I've never felt like a mother until I saw those 2 lines for the first time on Friday. I don't want this to end.
I debated buying more pee sticks and decided against it for now. I might change my mind later but for now I can't bring myself to do it. I called my clinic yesterday but the weekend staff would not let me move my beta up. They said I had to ask my nurse today. So I have a message in to her and I'm waiting to hear back on whether or not I can come in tomorrow. I know it's only 1 day earlier but it's 1 day earlier.
BJ asked me this morning if the test was the same as yesterday's and I told him yes. I didn't lie, it's still a positive test. I didn't want him to start his negative thinking. He does enough of that for 4 people. I need him to believe that this is real as much as I do. I told him that I was already attached and he asked me, "to the thought or to the baby?" I said "the baby". As the words were leaving my mouth my heart just grew with so much love. He's still very reserved. Last night before bed he told me that he wasn't going to believe it until the doctor told him it was real.
I woke up at 4:45 this morning unable to go back to sleep. My mind was racing with thoughts of me having a baby in my uterus right now. I was thinking about how I haven't had any caffeine since transfer (1 diet soda) and how I really need to drink more milk and we need to keep more fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and things like that. And then I thought about how I'm a different person now. BJ and I had a brief conversation last night after the LG went to bed. I told him that it's not a false positive but that I wasn't sure how to deal with that. I'm very good at being a sad, bitter, depressed infertile but I don't know how to be excited over a positive test yet. He hasn't seen much of it except once last night he noticed I had my hand on my belly. He commented about it and I just said that I've never had a reason to rub my belly and now I do.
I hope I do, anyway. I felt so blessed when I first saw those 2 lines. I have prayed for those 2 lines for 10 years. To finally get them but to have them taken away from me will be too much pain to carry. Please stick, baby....please.
___________________________________________________
Even though I have been trying to be level headed and calm about this...I am in love with the thought that there is a baby growing in me right now. I can't stop smiling, inside or out. I keep saying it in my head but have yet to be able to say the words out loud. And this morning after I peed on my last FRER I was actually excited to turn it over. I've never really been excited about a hpt before....more like scared and anxious and hopeful. However that excited feeling quickly escaped my body as my heart sank and I saw that the line was lighter than yesterdays line. It's definitely there and I don't need a magnifying glass to see it, but shouldn't it at least be the same as yesterday?
I've already been busy googling what this could mean. Most of it is not good. There have been a few people where it didn't make much difference but mostly, it's bad news. One of my bloggy buddies actually commented that one of her tests were lighter several days after the initial positive. That is encouraging but there's still all the other people that had a bad outcome. I'm scared shitless right now while trying to stay positive. That's an odd mix. All I keep saying to myself and to God is please let this baby stay with me. I've never been this close, I've never had these emotions before. I've never felt like a mother until I saw those 2 lines for the first time on Friday. I don't want this to end.
I debated buying more pee sticks and decided against it for now. I might change my mind later but for now I can't bring myself to do it. I called my clinic yesterday but the weekend staff would not let me move my beta up. They said I had to ask my nurse today. So I have a message in to her and I'm waiting to hear back on whether or not I can come in tomorrow. I know it's only 1 day earlier but it's 1 day earlier.
BJ asked me this morning if the test was the same as yesterday's and I told him yes. I didn't lie, it's still a positive test. I didn't want him to start his negative thinking. He does enough of that for 4 people. I need him to believe that this is real as much as I do. I told him that I was already attached and he asked me, "to the thought or to the baby?" I said "the baby". As the words were leaving my mouth my heart just grew with so much love. He's still very reserved. Last night before bed he told me that he wasn't going to believe it until the doctor told him it was real.
I woke up at 4:45 this morning unable to go back to sleep. My mind was racing with thoughts of me having a baby in my uterus right now. I was thinking about how I haven't had any caffeine since transfer (1 diet soda) and how I really need to drink more milk and we need to keep more fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and things like that. And then I thought about how I'm a different person now. BJ and I had a brief conversation last night after the LG went to bed. I told him that it's not a false positive but that I wasn't sure how to deal with that. I'm very good at being a sad, bitter, depressed infertile but I don't know how to be excited over a positive test yet. He hasn't seen much of it except once last night he noticed I had my hand on my belly. He commented about it and I just said that I've never had a reason to rub my belly and now I do.
I hope I do, anyway. I felt so blessed when I first saw those 2 lines. I have prayed for those 2 lines for 10 years. To finally get them but to have them taken away from me will be too much pain to carry. Please stick, baby....please.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
10dp5dt - OK, Now What?
From this morning, with the brand name test that states it can give you a positive up to 6 days before your missed period.
A little about yesterday: We were doing some yard work, raking to be exact, and BJ asked me if I should be doing that and I said I wasn't working really hard, mainly just using my arms. And then I said to him that I was a little surprised that he didn't ask me about it. He said he didn't know that I tested because I didn't say anything. Keep in mind that we are trying to talk in code because the little guy is with us this weekend. I told him it was inconclusive and then he was really confused. After we were done, the LG went to play with the neighbor and we came inside and I went and got the test with the blue line. Here's our conversation:
Me - what do you see?
Him - a blue line
Me - what do you see in the other window?
Him - a light blue line...what does that mean?
Me - I don't know
So I had to explain that 2 lines is positive and only 1 line is negative. I also told him that it was a cheap test and he said that he would be like me and not believe it until I took a good test. He asked me how dark the line should be and I said that it doesn't really matter, as long as it's there. He wasn't convinced and neither was I.
I had 2 dreams last night about getting 2 lines. Each time I woke up I was more and more convinced that as soon as I peed, the window would be blank and it would all be over. I woke up at 5:30 unable to sleep any longer. I got out of bed at 6:15 because I had to pee and I knew that I had to get this over with. So I peed and was scared to turn the test over. Then I saw the line and I started to lightly cry. I want this to be real but I don't know how to accept it. I see how light the line is and I panic that it's not real. I know too much. I know words like "chemical pregnancy", "blighted ovum", "miscarriage". I'm scared but happy...confused and afraid to take this for what it might actually be. I can't even type or say the P word when referring to myself.
BJ woke up after I got back in bed and asked me if I peed.
Me - yes
Him - and?
I reached over to the nightstand and showed him the test. Keep in mind, he's blind without his contacts. He squinted to see it.
Him - that 2nd line wasn't there before you peed?
Me - no, it was blank...and this is the good test. but I still don't believe it.
Him - what is it supposed to look like?
I put the test really close to his face so he could see the gray writing that explains what the results should look like.
Him - well, that's good.
Me - yeah, I'm not scheduled for blood work until Wednesday...I'm going to go insane before then.
So that's pretty much it. I now have a 2nd pink line. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I'm too scared to admit that it's real for fear it won't be there tomorrow morning.
Me - what do you see?
Him - a blue line
Me - what do you see in the other window?
Him - a light blue line...what does that mean?
Me - I don't know
So I had to explain that 2 lines is positive and only 1 line is negative. I also told him that it was a cheap test and he said that he would be like me and not believe it until I took a good test. He asked me how dark the line should be and I said that it doesn't really matter, as long as it's there. He wasn't convinced and neither was I.
I had 2 dreams last night about getting 2 lines. Each time I woke up I was more and more convinced that as soon as I peed, the window would be blank and it would all be over. I woke up at 5:30 unable to sleep any longer. I got out of bed at 6:15 because I had to pee and I knew that I had to get this over with. So I peed and was scared to turn the test over. Then I saw the line and I started to lightly cry. I want this to be real but I don't know how to accept it. I see how light the line is and I panic that it's not real. I know too much. I know words like "chemical pregnancy", "blighted ovum", "miscarriage". I'm scared but happy...confused and afraid to take this for what it might actually be. I can't even type or say the P word when referring to myself.
BJ woke up after I got back in bed and asked me if I peed.
Me - yes
Him - and?
I reached over to the nightstand and showed him the test. Keep in mind, he's blind without his contacts. He squinted to see it.
Him - that 2nd line wasn't there before you peed?
Me - no, it was blank...and this is the good test. but I still don't believe it.
Him - what is it supposed to look like?
I put the test really close to his face so he could see the gray writing that explains what the results should look like.
Him - well, that's good.
Me - yeah, I'm not scheduled for blood work until Wednesday...I'm going to go insane before then.
So that's pretty much it. I now have a 2nd pink line. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I'm too scared to admit that it's real for fear it won't be there tomorrow morning.
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