Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my last post. I know I'm not alone out here and it's nice to have such a supportive network of people. It really means a lot to me when I read the heartfelt and sincere comments that are left for me.
I'm doing better today. Actually, yesterday started the pick me up stage. No real reason other than I have to move on because time does not stop for a broken heart. And I'm sure my hormones getting back in line help, too. We all know how CD1 and CD2 can mess with our emotions even when we aren't TTC.
I've decided not to temp and not to pee on the opk's this cycle. Not so much decided as I forgot to order more opk's so I don't have them to pee on even if I wanted to. The temping will go by the wayside this cycle as well. I know my approximate ovulation time so I will try to seduce the hubby when we get close and we will just play it by ear. It takes some of the stress off to not worry about peeing on the opk's and temping every morning. Plus, May is my birthday month and our anniversary month...I'd like to just enjoy those things without the stress of hard core TTC. So this is me on a mini-break.
We had a nice weekend together although we were no where near as productive as we should have been. Friday night we went to our hang out and watched the hockey game. My poor team didn't really show up for the whole game and now we are forced to travel for game 6. I so hope we pull this off tonight. We sat in the rain at the Little Guy's baseball game Saturday morning. They scored 4 runs (the Little Guy even scored one!) but still lost the game. It was cold and rainy and just miserable. We ate lunch out and then went home and vegged for a while. The neighbors invited us down so we went over there for a couple of hours Saturday night. Yesterday was errand day. The big "mart" store and then the grocery store. It was muggy yesterday but warm and felt so much better than cold rain. We went for a walk in the evening and checked out some of the other houses that are being built around us. It was interesting to see the inside of the houses. We decided that we like the lay out of our house probably the best although we wish that our living room was a little bigger/wider. Other than that, the only thing that impressed us was some of the garages and how big they seemed compared to ours. I still haven't done my post about all the problems we've had with our new house...I'll get to it.
Back to the TTC....I think this is the shortest period I've had since they started getting short and light. I know the clomid probably had something to do with that, but my goodness. Friday was CD1 and I had a medium flow. It picked up Friday night and I was worried it would get really heavy since it was late arriving. Not so. Saturday was a medium flow and then nothing Saturday night until now. I'm not complaining, that's for sure. It's just another observation of my body doing something different after IVF.
All in all, my mood has improved greatly and I'm going to relax a little this cycle. We'll see how the relaxing goes once I know I'm getting close to ovulating. :-) Again, thank you all for your wonderful comments, you really do make a difference in how I feel and I how I look at the big picture.
Showing posts with label CD4. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CD4. Show all posts
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I Hate Days Like This
I have every reason in the world to be happy. I have loving parents, a husband I love dearly, a great step-son, a job that provides very well, a new house being built and my health....and yet today, I'm very sad and I just want to cry.
I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.
All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.
I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.
I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.
I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.
I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.
All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.
I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.
I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.
I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
CD4 - Raining and Pouring
As you know, BJ was recently diagnosed with Lyme Disease. He's been taking his meds and he will go back to his doctor in mid-October for more blood work. He seems to be doing ok other than he just can't sleep worth a darn. Anyway....we were at his sister's a few weeks ago talking about his situation. She brings up the fact that she got a tick bite about 6 months or so ago and it left a big welt/rash on her and now she even has a scar. She recently went to her doctor for a "fluttering" heart. He put her on a monitor for 24 hours. Her heart didn't do anything so she just dismissed it. Her legs are achy and she's always tired. We suggested she get tested for Lyme Disease. Low and behold she is positive. I was so upset with her for not getting tested after the bite left that mark on her. EVERYONE knows (especially in our neck of the woods) how common this condition is. Plus, I didn't know that she wasn't seeing a cardiologist...just her PCP. Ugh! What kind of a quack doctor is not going to send her to a cardiologist? BJ and I jumped all over her for that and now she has an appointment with the cardiologist that we have seen in the past. Her condition sounds much worse than BJ's since she is having the heart issues. I bet she'll have to have the IV drug treatment. I just don't know how she let this go.
That's the rain part....now for the pouring part.
My sister (27) has recently been diagnosed with Chiari Malformation. Part of the base of her brain is "sliding" down into her spine. Her doctor told her that maybe in the future she would need surgery to help/correct the condition. This was less than 2 weeks ago. She started having more pain and dizziness so she called her doctor. He told her to set up an appointment right away with a neurosurgeon. She goes in on 10/15. They are most likely going to have to operate on my sister's skull. They will remove parts of it to let things "shift" into proper place. My sister lives in PA, 3 hours from me. There is a long history between us that I won't get into today. I love her dearly and I'm scared for her and her little kids. She has a 7 year old boy and a 16 month old girl. This is not a good time to be a sister in our family.
On to TTC stuff - I am on CD4 and my period is all but over. It was pretty much over yesterday. I don't know what it is lately or even if it's a good thing, but I like the shorter, lighter period. I've always been a moderate to heavy flow. I usually spot a day or 2 before it shows, bleed for 3-4 days and then spot for another day or 2. These past 2 cycles have been bleed for 2 days and be done. Hell yeah! However, I worry that I now have a hormonal imbalance and an inhospitable lining. Anyone have a way to reassure me that my lining is still good even though it's a lot lighter than usual? Should I be doing something to beef things up? That sounds great, doesn't it? And as much as we all hate our period coming, it seems awfully ironic to be wishing it were heavier. No wonder I can't get pregnant....I'm always contradicting myself so my body thinks I don't really want to BE pregnant. I know that's not true, but it's a thought running around this crazy head of mine sometimes.
I will start using the opk strips on CD9 and hope to get a positive and a really good chance this time around. But I always think that and it gets me nowhere. Ever the optimist. My temp was 98.0 this morning and that is high (for me) for pre-ovulation. I didn't sleep well and I woke up for about 20 minutes at one point during the night. I didn't get up, but I was definitely awake and tossing in bed. Not sure if I should keep that temp.
They are framing our house and I hope to be able to put some pictures up tomorrow. They should have most of it done by Monday because the HVAC is scheduled for rough in on Tuesday! Yay for progress!
That's the rain part....now for the pouring part.
My sister (27) has recently been diagnosed with Chiari Malformation. Part of the base of her brain is "sliding" down into her spine. Her doctor told her that maybe in the future she would need surgery to help/correct the condition. This was less than 2 weeks ago. She started having more pain and dizziness so she called her doctor. He told her to set up an appointment right away with a neurosurgeon. She goes in on 10/15. They are most likely going to have to operate on my sister's skull. They will remove parts of it to let things "shift" into proper place. My sister lives in PA, 3 hours from me. There is a long history between us that I won't get into today. I love her dearly and I'm scared for her and her little kids. She has a 7 year old boy and a 16 month old girl. This is not a good time to be a sister in our family.
On to TTC stuff - I am on CD4 and my period is all but over. It was pretty much over yesterday. I don't know what it is lately or even if it's a good thing, but I like the shorter, lighter period. I've always been a moderate to heavy flow. I usually spot a day or 2 before it shows, bleed for 3-4 days and then spot for another day or 2. These past 2 cycles have been bleed for 2 days and be done. Hell yeah! However, I worry that I now have a hormonal imbalance and an inhospitable lining. Anyone have a way to reassure me that my lining is still good even though it's a lot lighter than usual? Should I be doing something to beef things up? That sounds great, doesn't it? And as much as we all hate our period coming, it seems awfully ironic to be wishing it were heavier. No wonder I can't get pregnant....I'm always contradicting myself so my body thinks I don't really want to BE pregnant. I know that's not true, but it's a thought running around this crazy head of mine sometimes.
I will start using the opk strips on CD9 and hope to get a positive and a really good chance this time around. But I always think that and it gets me nowhere. Ever the optimist. My temp was 98.0 this morning and that is high (for me) for pre-ovulation. I didn't sleep well and I woke up for about 20 minutes at one point during the night. I didn't get up, but I was definitely awake and tossing in bed. Not sure if I should keep that temp.
They are framing our house and I hope to be able to put some pictures up tomorrow. They should have most of it done by Monday because the HVAC is scheduled for rough in on Tuesday! Yay for progress!
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