I had a very brief stint at being pregnant...I made it to almost 5 weeks. By most people’s standards they probably wouldn’t even consider that a pregnancy. However, I do.
In the time that I was pregnant I noticed a few things about myself. We, as Infertiles, probably notice more changes in ourselves than the average fertile woman. At least, that has been my experience over the years. We notice every little thing; it’s almost an obsession with us. I’m ok with that. At least I was until I lost my pregnancy.
Knowing what I know now has changed how I pay attention to my body. I’m not happy about it, either. I’m on CD25 today and I can’t even begin to tell you the Hell I am putting myself through.
I now know how fatigued I should be.
I now know how my breasts should feel.
I now know how my nose should react to certain smells.
I now know that I should be grossed out by tomatoes.
I’m searching for these things....constantly. I hate that I’m doing this to myself. I hate that I have had thoughts like:
Sometimes your body needs a pregnancy to kick it into gear.
Sometimes people that suffer a miscarriage get pregnant shortly thereafter.
I’ve read at least 6 (probably more) blog stories where women have either a) given up trying, b) quit trying due to RPL, c) failed an IVF, d) just got done with an IVF consult, e) was about to go to the fertility clinic for the first time or f) moved onto donor eggs only to get pregnant NATURALLY and on their own. These are really inspiring stories and I couldn’t be more amazed at the miracles that have happened. The only problem is that these stories give me hope. As I said yesterday, I want to be done with hope.
I want to just move on and forget (get over) my desire to birth a child and be a mother. I want to stop thinking that “it could happen to me”. The likelihood that it will ever happen is pretty much 0% as evident by my long track record. Unless we win the lottery, there will be no more medical intervention so I can count that out as well.
Knowing what I know now makes it harder on me I think. Not only am I trying to figure out if my boobs are sore because of a pregnancy. They were more than sore; they felt very different on the outside. Every time I bite into a tomato I’m hoping that it makes me want to puke. When we walked into 5 Guys on Sunday I was praying that the smell would make me gag. None of this is happening of course. I’m not experiencing anything, really, not even AF symptoms at this point.
BJ and I had some adult fun last night and he said, “We probably missed your time didn’t we?” And I said, “oh yeah, it’s way past ovulation....but I’m not tracking anything anymore so I don’t know exactly when it happened.” Then he said. “Yeah, I guess there’s no point, right?” And I said, “yeah, no point.”
My brain knows that it’s not going to happen. The really sucky part is that my heart has yet to learn how to let go. One month ago today is when I saw that beautiful 2nd pink line. Even though only 1 month has gone by, it feels like an eternity since I was that happy. I’m definitely better than I was but I have a long way to go. Knowing what I know now is not making it any easier to give up hope. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep remembering all the good things I have in my life and that my life is not over...it’s just different now.
Showing posts with label CD25. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CD25. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Monday, December 7, 2009
What is That I See?
I think I have started spotting. Not sure really. I know that must sound ridiculous since I know my body so well. What I have spotted in the undies is not quite the color of regular spotting...and it's not quite at the "pace" spotting should be. So therefore, I'm not quite sure what it is other than to say it's a smidge darker than regular CM. Hmmm. My educated guess is that I am indeed spotting. But I'm trying to hold out hope. I can't base my theory on my temperature because I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I didn't temp because I had only been asleep for 4 hours and I usually temp around 5:45-6:00. When I did take it at 5:45 (after laying there trying desperately to sleep) it was 98.5. I don't believe it but I kept it anyway. We'll see what tomorrow morning brings.
I have spent my day on the phone with the phone company and the satellite company trying to get phone/internet and satellite at the new place. I was on the phone for an HOUR trying to get things straight. Then I called the electric company. They tried to charge me the security deposit of $150 because I haven't had an account with them in the last 2 years. Crimony! I gave the girl my social...wouldn't you think if the same first name but a different last name showed up she would ask me about that before assuming it WASN'T me? And if the names don't match, then don't you think she would have double checked the social number? Ugh! I'm so tired of utilities right now. I only have one more to go but it's going to wait until tomorrow because it's almost time to go home and I have no idea how long they will keep me on the phone. Unreal. I'm glad my boss was out today or else BJ would have to deal with all of this and he has NO patience for this kind of thing.
We went to the new house yesterday because the cleaners had been there and we wanted to see it all sparkly clean. It's absolutely beautiful. My breath was taken away when I stepped through the doorway. I don't have time to post pictures today (I know I keep putting it off) but I will do a post of just updated pictures very soon. I love how everything flows and the colors just blend together so nicely. It's hard to believe that we will be moving in on Friday. We decided to put the tree up in the office instead of the dining room so that anyone that drives by can see it. The only thing in the room will be the computer desk so we will still have lots of room in there. We are just hoping that the weather holds up. We can deal with the cold but are really hoping for no rain. We ordered our washer and dryer Sunday. Ouch...that hurt the credit card a bit. We went with Maytag Bravos and we really hope we made the right decision. Through all of this, that has been the toughest thing. We are so scared of spending money on an appliance like that and having it break or disappoint us in some other way. And wouldn't you know, after 3 months of research and FINALLY deciding on this pair, they can't order the washer. WHAT?? So we asked if we could have the floor model...they agreed and said they'd take 5% off. We were happy. It's not like they actually USE the appliance while it's on the sales floor, right?
We had snow Saturday...it was lovely to watch. Big, fat flakes falling down from the white sky...it was like a Christmas card. Now it's just cold...blah. I hate the cold. I think it's here to stay until Spring. I actually feel like we have kind of gotten off easy so far with the temperatures so I guess can't really complain. Who am I kidding? Of course I can complain. I hate the cold.
Keep your fingers crossed that the stupid period stays away. I really want to get an early Christmas miracle.
I have spent my day on the phone with the phone company and the satellite company trying to get phone/internet and satellite at the new place. I was on the phone for an HOUR trying to get things straight. Then I called the electric company. They tried to charge me the security deposit of $150 because I haven't had an account with them in the last 2 years. Crimony! I gave the girl my social...wouldn't you think if the same first name but a different last name showed up she would ask me about that before assuming it WASN'T me? And if the names don't match, then don't you think she would have double checked the social number? Ugh! I'm so tired of utilities right now. I only have one more to go but it's going to wait until tomorrow because it's almost time to go home and I have no idea how long they will keep me on the phone. Unreal. I'm glad my boss was out today or else BJ would have to deal with all of this and he has NO patience for this kind of thing.
We went to the new house yesterday because the cleaners had been there and we wanted to see it all sparkly clean. It's absolutely beautiful. My breath was taken away when I stepped through the doorway. I don't have time to post pictures today (I know I keep putting it off) but I will do a post of just updated pictures very soon. I love how everything flows and the colors just blend together so nicely. It's hard to believe that we will be moving in on Friday. We decided to put the tree up in the office instead of the dining room so that anyone that drives by can see it. The only thing in the room will be the computer desk so we will still have lots of room in there. We are just hoping that the weather holds up. We can deal with the cold but are really hoping for no rain. We ordered our washer and dryer Sunday. Ouch...that hurt the credit card a bit. We went with Maytag Bravos and we really hope we made the right decision. Through all of this, that has been the toughest thing. We are so scared of spending money on an appliance like that and having it break or disappoint us in some other way. And wouldn't you know, after 3 months of research and FINALLY deciding on this pair, they can't order the washer. WHAT?? So we asked if we could have the floor model...they agreed and said they'd take 5% off. We were happy. It's not like they actually USE the appliance while it's on the sales floor, right?
We had snow Saturday...it was lovely to watch. Big, fat flakes falling down from the white sky...it was like a Christmas card. Now it's just cold...blah. I hate the cold. I think it's here to stay until Spring. I actually feel like we have kind of gotten off easy so far with the temperatures so I guess can't really complain. Who am I kidding? Of course I can complain. I hate the cold.
Keep your fingers crossed that the stupid period stays away. I really want to get an early Christmas miracle.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lying to Myself
You know the point in your cycle when you start lying to yourself? Yes, you do...don't act innocent on this one. It's the point where your period is a few days away and you see the slightest (and I do mean slight) tinge on the good old TP. If you happen to be "active" at this point and when you are...ahem...cleaning yourself up, you definitely notice some tinges of color on the TP. Well, this has been happening to me. I know...you're so surprised aren't you?
I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.
I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.
I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.
I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.
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