In's and Out's of the 2ww

I am now officially in the 2ww. For any IF or even just a "regular" TTC'er the 2ww is always full of analyzing, obsessing, hoping, dreaming, dreading, fearing, researching, wondering and just about anything else you can throw in there. It is the time of a cycle that ANYTHING is truly possible. We start to think about baby names, how we'll tell friends and family, a creative way to tell the Husband, we rub our bellies and imagine how it will grow. Now, I've been at this a long time so a lot of that doesn't occur in my 2ww anymore, but it did for about the first year or so. And it's exhilarating. It's one of the best feelings that a woman can have....there COULD be a baby in there! Since I am an IF, the dread usually sets in towards the end of the 2ww. I start to feel things that I know are signs my period is coming. I get snappy and I realize that I'm PMS'ing which makes me even more snappy. I get gassy (I know I don't need to share such details but as you get to know me you will learn that I always share too many details) and I know that my period is coming. It sucks to know my body this well. I will never understand the women that go through life never knowing when their period will start or when it's late or any of that. I've been obsessed with knowing since well before TTC. I need to be prepared and carry a feminine product with me when the time gets close. Since TTC began I feel like I know my body pretty well. I will not be one of those people you see on the news holding a happy bundle that I didn't even KNOW I was carrying and ended up delivering at the local eatery.

And since I know my body so well, I usually know when we have timed things right or completely missed our window. Knowing that helps me control the other part of the 2ww....what to eat and drink. Once I know I've ovulated, there is no more alcohol (not that I'm a big drinker but I make SURE during this time), I'm careful to stay away from smokers and I try to limit my caffeine intake. Now, over the years this has gotten to be a habit and a burden. I sometimes feel like I should just live it up and indulge in everything that's bad for me because being "good" has gotten me nowhere. BJ tells me that if I start smoking crack I'll get pg in a jiffy! Hell yeah! Not so much in my plans but I hear it's a good weight loss program so maybe if this IVF thing doesn't work I'll consider it. Please know I am kidding...

So here I sit in yet another 2ww. This one will be a little shorter because I'm sure I will be POAS (peeing on a stick) before 7/24 which is when my beta is scheduled for. I also do not want to wait for that phone call from the clinic. We did that with my first IUI and it sucked major butt holes. The anxiety of waiting was more than I could take. I already knew the answer (see above about knowing my body) but it didn't make the phone call less agonizing. I'm thinking of testing on 7/23, if I can wait that long. July 21 will be 2 weeks since the retrieval and I think a test will be accurate at that time. However, as I explained above, the 2ww can be a most euphoric experience and I don't want it to end any sooner than it has to. Here comes the dread part. What if it didn't work? If I get a BFN in the morning will I be able to come to work and function or will I be a heap of crumbled hope on the bathroom floor for the rest of the day? Testing too early, like on 7/19, will increase the risk of a false positive due to the trigger shot. I'm in a pickle. But hey, I have just under 2 weeks to figure it out.

I've been feeling some twinges on my left side since Sunday night. Sunday night would be 2.5dp3dt (2.5 days past 3-day transfer). The twinges have continued through yesterday and I'm still getting them. My brain says that it's my left ovary just calming back down to it's usual state. The problem is that it doesn't feel like my ovary. It feels a little like a period cramp. My heart is hoping that it's at least one of my embies snuggling in as the timing fits perfectly. But how many people can actually"feel" implantation? I'm loosing it already.