10dp3dt - Hope, Despair and Chocolate Cake

I have always found Bill Cosby to be one of the funniest men alive. My dad reminds me of him sometimes. He was quoted quite often in our house growing up. One of my favorite stand-up acts was his Bill Cosby - Himself show. Adults and children can both relate to this man and his humor style....good clean fun. This all came rushing back to me Friday night. BJ and the Little Guy went to the grocery store and I got the phone call report of what was purchased. The last item that was mentioned was a chocolate truffle cake. BJ said he didn't know what "chocolate truffles" were but that it sounded good. He is not much for cake. He rarely eats cake at birthday parties. As we sat around the table indulging in this most delectable treat after dinner (along with big glasses of milk) I asked him why he bought a cake since he doesn't really like cake. He just kind of shrugged and said..."you like chocolate". It reminded me of how thoughtful he can be sometimes. I'm not much on candy and regular sweets but I have been craving chocolate lately (this is a sign of PMS and hence why the word "despair" is in the title today). We don't keep chocolate in the house as BJ and the Little Guy are more into sour candy, lolly pops and things like that. As I was eating, there was a phrase that kept running through my head...."Dad is great!...Gives us the chocolate cake". And the vision of Bill Cosby sitting in a chair on stage pretending to be one of his kids eating chocolate cake. He was left to give the kids breakfast and they asked for cake. His reasoning is that it had milk and eggs in it so it was a fine breakfast. The kids starting singing and eating...until of course his wife found out. But the point is that BJ is great for getting me chocolate cake and how nice it is to have him remind me of such a fond childhood memory of watching that with my parents and laughing hysterically because I know my dad would have given me chocolate cake for breakfast, too.

My hope is dwindling to almost nothing this cycle, our final cycle, our final chance. I'm sinking into despair and I don't like it. I know a hpt would be very accurate but I'm too scared of a BFN. I feel like my period is minutes away as most of my "symptoms" are diminished to basically nothing. The lady lumps still hurt a little but that's a normal effect of progesterone and my period. I'm getting quick tempered and snippy...another period sign. I'm feeling weepy...I think that's the despair settling in. I have tried to stay positive this time because we had everything going for us and I was noticing changes in my body. Not so much anymore. Tomorrow will be 14dpER and I will probably test just to get it over with and get my mind around the BFN that will surely be staring me in the face. We were at a birthday party yesterday (one reason I didn't test over the weekend) and I knew there would be at least 3 babies/toddlers there and I could barely stand to look at the newest baby. Thankfully there were so many people there that it wasn't noticed that I didn't pay any attention to him. It's getting harder to see pg women and infants. I used to eat it up because I knew my time would come. Now I'm not so sure. BJ said he'd like to keep trying on our own if this doesn't work (until the end of the year) but I don't know if I can go through that again. Granted, December is not that far away but I don't want to give myself false hope anymore. Hope sucks these days. I guess we will play it by ear after this cycle. Sorry to be such a downer but this is me...all of me...the good the bad and the ugly.