I hope everyone (those that celebrate) enjoyed their Memorial Day weekend. For the most part, mine was good. We were let out of work early Friday so I was able to head home at 2:00! Saturday morning was filled with running the LG up to get his hair cut, hitting the grocery store and running to the bank. I found such a great deal on corn on the cob...6 ears of corn for .99! We bought 12 since my SIL and her family was coming for dinner. We also bought a seedless watermelon for 2.99...way cool. After the errands were run, I started preparing the dessert (Chex muddy buddies) and then made the Italian Chicken Salad and then had about ½ an hour to chill before they arrived.
Our poor niece broke her elbow Thursday! She’s almost 4 and showed up at the door with a pink cast. It was so sad but she handled herself very well. The visiting and the eating all went very well. Everyone had a great time. We only had one scare when the 2 boys were riding their bikes and carelessly ran right into one another. Thankfully they were wearing helmets but J (the younger nephew at 7) scraped his elbow pretty badly and needed some Aunt TeeJay doctoring. The older nephew ended up spending the night, which we figured would happen. Everyone left at almost 10:00pm! A very long day indeed.
Sunday morning consisted of making chocolate chip puffins (pancake muffins) from this website. They are so good! We ate the whole batch. They make a great sweet snack or you could have them with home fries and eggs as a real breakfast. They are sweet enough to where we really don’t need syrup with them. I haven’t made them without the chocolate chips yet but I might, just to make them more “breakfasty”. We hung out at home for a while and then headed to 5 Guys for lunch and then took the nephew home.
The LG had a book report due that he had to spend the rest of the afternoon and into the evening working on (long story) so BJ and I hung out and I read and we watched some TV while the LG worked. His mom came and picked him up Monday morning to take him swimming at a campground so BJ and I had the day to ourselves. He washed his truck and I tended to our landscaping. It was so darn hot outside. We were only out there for a little over an hour but it was exhausting. We decided to go and get some steamed crabs for lunch at a waterfront restaurant about 30 minutes from our house. The crabs were so good. BJ could eat them every weekend but I have to put my foot down as they are very expensive by the dozen. I told him to invest in our own steamer and we could save hundreds of dollars each summer.
The highlight of the weekend was making our hotel reservations for Myrtle Beach over Labor Day weekend! I finally made BJ focus on it and we nailed down the dates and booked our room. We are taking the LG and we’re staying at the same place that we did when we got married. I’m very excited about this trip. And believe it or not, we got a great deal on the hotel. We are staying in a one bedroom, ocean front condo with a full kitchen for 4 nights and paying just over $600 for it (that included all our taxes and fees and the $15 cancellation insurance)! How cool is that? The LG will miss 2 days of school which was not my first choice, but he should only have 1 night of homework and 2 days of class work to make up. I’m sure it won’t be that bad since it’s a holiday weekend.
Even with all of this going on, I’m still thinking about how I would be (should be) 8 weeks pregnant right now. I’m so glad we booked this trip. I know that I’d rather countdown to a vacation than keep counting up the weeks I should be pregnant. BJ and I were talking last night about something about our house and he was talking about what we’d do if I had a baby and then he said, well unless you have twins. I told him that twins would still stay in the same bedroom together until they were older and he disagreed and said that they would need their own room. And I said that plenty of siblings share rooms growing up and ours could too...unless we had one of each sex. The conversation drifted elsewhere after that, I don’t exactly remember how we got off the topic. In my head I kept wondering why we would even be talking about it....we both know it’s not going to happen, why torture ourselves with these conversations? I guess Hope has not fully left the building. I don’t want to have hope anymore. Hope sucks the life right out of me and I’m sick of it. For some reason, though, it must still be there, even if ever so slightly. This post is long enough but it leaves a good segue for my next post so I’ll just end for now.
I really hope everyone had a chance to celebrate our military heroes this weekend in one way or another and I hope you were able to enjoy your families and your friends as we did ours.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Annual Exam
After a few reschedules (twice by them and once by me) and a plan to call for an appointment after my positive beta to set up my 10 week appointment (that was never to be), I actually had my annual gynecological exam yesterday.
I decided to see the nurse practitioner whom I’m never met because my regular doctor didn’t have any openings for an annual exam until August. I was way overdue (supposed to go in March) so I decided to skip the regular doctor. I made the right choice. My doctor is very quick and straight to the point and doesn’t really leave a lot of time for chatting or being emotional (like I was). I knew I needed to try something different.
I parked my truck and started heading for the building entrance. I was overcome by a heavy sadness and my eyes filled with tears. I wasn’t supposed to be here for a few more weeks...and I was supposed to be pregnant at my first visit...with a list of questions and forms to fill out and maybe even a chance at hearing a heartbeat. Instead, I’m walking into another appointment with an empty uterus. I thought for sure the waiting room would be filled with pregnant bellies and babies. To my delight, there were only 2 pregnant women and only one of them had a “baby” belly. The other one looked, to put it lightly, like she could have just been plump. She was wearing a maternity top and her boyfriend/husband was with her.
I was called back pretty quickly, which I love. I changed into the sexy white paper vest and hopped up on the table with my cozy white sheet. I’m glad she came in pretty soon after that because the literature in the office was upsetting me...all about babies and pregnancies.
She sat down and started asking me questions. She had never seen me before so I think she wanted to “get to know me” better. When she opened the floor for me to disclose any problems I may be having, I started with the dreaded, “I have infertility issues”.
Doc – I see that (as she flips through papers on her clip board)
Me – we did an IVF in April and it was semi-successful...I miscarried around 5 weeks.
I tried to hold it together as best I could and I think I did a pretty good job. However, with saying that out loud to her I could not stop the tears from coming. They welled up in my eyes as she took notes.
Doc – are you going to be doing any more cycles or treatments?
Me – unable to speak for fear of losing all control and sobbing in front of her...I just shook my head “no”
As she was writing more notes I pulled myself together and said, “It costs too much money.” She agreed that indeed it does.
Then she asked me if I had to have a D&C. Nope
Then she asked me if I knew why it happened. I’m pretty sure I have bad eggs.
I rehashed the cancelled cycle 2 years ago and then the cycle with just 2 embryos and then this cycle with the “not very good” embryos.
She was very soft spoken and she knew I was pretty upset so she kept her questions to a minimum, which I appreciate.
Then the exam started and it was pretty routine. She was pretty gentle and nice about things, which is always good. She wasn’t in a hurry like my doctor usually is so it was nice to feel like she cared about what I was telling her. She said that everything looked and felt good and to let her know if I have any issues with anything. I checked out, made my appointment for next year (with her) and left.
I felt emotionally exhausted when I got home but didn’t really get a chance to dwell on it as we had the LG’s baseball game to go to. They lost in the last inning...the winning run was scored off a pitch by the LG. I felt so bad for him but told him that the reason the kid got the hit was because he (LG) was pitching strikes, right over the plate and that is something to be proud of.
PS - thank you everyone for helping me through my feelings yesterday. It's hard to love a child so much and give so much of myself to him all the while knowing that his loyalty for all things "mom" are to his real mother (as it should be, of course). Sometimes it's a lot to take in. I'm going to savor all of my time with him and just do my best to keep our relationship good and honest and I know everything will turn out fine.
I decided to see the nurse practitioner whom I’m never met because my regular doctor didn’t have any openings for an annual exam until August. I was way overdue (supposed to go in March) so I decided to skip the regular doctor. I made the right choice. My doctor is very quick and straight to the point and doesn’t really leave a lot of time for chatting or being emotional (like I was). I knew I needed to try something different.
I parked my truck and started heading for the building entrance. I was overcome by a heavy sadness and my eyes filled with tears. I wasn’t supposed to be here for a few more weeks...and I was supposed to be pregnant at my first visit...with a list of questions and forms to fill out and maybe even a chance at hearing a heartbeat. Instead, I’m walking into another appointment with an empty uterus. I thought for sure the waiting room would be filled with pregnant bellies and babies. To my delight, there were only 2 pregnant women and only one of them had a “baby” belly. The other one looked, to put it lightly, like she could have just been plump. She was wearing a maternity top and her boyfriend/husband was with her.
I was called back pretty quickly, which I love. I changed into the sexy white paper vest and hopped up on the table with my cozy white sheet. I’m glad she came in pretty soon after that because the literature in the office was upsetting me...all about babies and pregnancies.
She sat down and started asking me questions. She had never seen me before so I think she wanted to “get to know me” better. When she opened the floor for me to disclose any problems I may be having, I started with the dreaded, “I have infertility issues”.
Doc – I see that (as she flips through papers on her clip board)
Me – we did an IVF in April and it was semi-successful...I miscarried around 5 weeks.
I tried to hold it together as best I could and I think I did a pretty good job. However, with saying that out loud to her I could not stop the tears from coming. They welled up in my eyes as she took notes.
Doc – are you going to be doing any more cycles or treatments?
Me – unable to speak for fear of losing all control and sobbing in front of her...I just shook my head “no”
As she was writing more notes I pulled myself together and said, “It costs too much money.” She agreed that indeed it does.
Then she asked me if I had to have a D&C. Nope
Then she asked me if I knew why it happened. I’m pretty sure I have bad eggs.
I rehashed the cancelled cycle 2 years ago and then the cycle with just 2 embryos and then this cycle with the “not very good” embryos.
She was very soft spoken and she knew I was pretty upset so she kept her questions to a minimum, which I appreciate.
Then the exam started and it was pretty routine. She was pretty gentle and nice about things, which is always good. She wasn’t in a hurry like my doctor usually is so it was nice to feel like she cared about what I was telling her. She said that everything looked and felt good and to let her know if I have any issues with anything. I checked out, made my appointment for next year (with her) and left.
I felt emotionally exhausted when I got home but didn’t really get a chance to dwell on it as we had the LG’s baseball game to go to. They lost in the last inning...the winning run was scored off a pitch by the LG. I felt so bad for him but told him that the reason the kid got the hit was because he (LG) was pitching strikes, right over the plate and that is something to be proud of.
PS - thank you everyone for helping me through my feelings yesterday. It's hard to love a child so much and give so much of myself to him all the while knowing that his loyalty for all things "mom" are to his real mother (as it should be, of course). Sometimes it's a lot to take in. I'm going to savor all of my time with him and just do my best to keep our relationship good and honest and I know everything will turn out fine.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Feeling Like a Fraud
As most of you know, I’m a step parent. The LG (Little Guy) came into my life not long after he turned 4. I love him dearly. He’s almost 10 now...unbelievable. Being a step parent is not without challenges. Parenting of any form has challenges. He is with us 50% of the time and that boils down to every other day during the week and then every other weekend (F, S, S). It’s nice to have the pattern and to see him so much. I will write more about step parenting on this blog in the future but right now I want to address why being a step parent makes me feel like a fraud.
I’m very involved in the LG’s life. I don’t know how not to be. It’s very easy for me to fall into a parenting roll when he’s with us. I worry about him all the time. I worry if kids at school are picking on him because of his slight speech impairment (he has trouble with the letter R). I worry about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep and what he’s eating and drinking. I worry that something is wrong when he sleeps late on the weekend. He’s a heart patient and his doctor says that he’s the picture of health, but still....I worry.
I also do other “motherly” things. I cook for him, I pack his lunch, I do his laundry, I help with homework, I try to teach him things, I hug him when he’s sad, I laugh at his silly jokes, I attend some school functions, I go to school meetings, I go to all sporting events, I scrapbook for him, I buy him clothes and toys, I take him out to eat and to the movies and to hockey games. I also do the not so fun things like tell him to hurry up and eat his dinner because it’s getting late, tell him to scoop the litter, to clean his bathroom, to throw his trash away, to put his clothes in the laundry basket...all those things that his future wife will thank me for later. Basically, I’m trying to teach him to be responsible, courteous of others, have some initiative and how to be independent. These things are not easy to accomplish since his mother does not make him do much of anything. That is a topic for another post.
When I’m at a scrapbooking event and people ask me about my pictures I have to say that the child in them is my stepson. I sometimes wonder if they think it’s strange that I have so many photos of him and that I’m taking such pride in making the scrapbook when he’s not “my” child. I wonder if they think I’m going a little overboard since he’s not “mine”. I wonder if they think it’s odd that I’m doing this for him instead of “just having my own”. If only they knew.
When I do all of these things, I feel like a Mom. I feel the love, the pride, the angst, the worry, the disappointment (sometimes), the joy, the excitement...all of it. But he’s not mine. He never will be. I wonder if I'm too attached. Am I too involved? Am I stepping over my bounds as a step parent? I wonder how his mother feels sometimes when she knows how involved I am. I know that if I were in her shoes I’d be happy that someone loved my child but I’d also want her back off a little (a lot??) sometimes.
I have all these parenting duties and feelings and then time and time again I’m slapped in the face with the fact that he’s not mine and that I’m not his mother. It’s like I’m playing House and pretending to be the Mom. The LG loves me, I know that. He’s very sweet and very affectionate and when BJ and I are playing around (wrestling) he comes to my defense. We are allies when BJ is in one of his moods and we stick together when one of us is feeling down and out. He never intentionally makes me feel like I’m second best, but I know that I am. He has a mother. She is very involved in his life, too, of course. I’m glad that she is but at the same time it just kills me to be the 3rd wheel of the parenting vehicle.
I had a very bitter sweet moment a couple of weeks ago when his mother was out of town. There was an event at school for kids and their moms. Since she was not available, he asked me to go. I was thrilled to be there. I also felt very out of place. There were moms and kids all around us and I knew I didn’t really belong and the only reason I was there was because the real mom was away.
Sometimes when the 3 of us are out together everyone assumes that he is mine. We have almost the same color hair and we both have blue eyes so it’s a natural assumption. People will say, “and what is mom having?” or “how does his hair look, mom?” (when he’s getting a haircut). Sometimes I ‘fess up but other times it’s just easier to go with the flow. I’ve explained my reasoning to him about why I don’t always tell people and he’s ok with it, or so he says. In the back of my mind I’m wishing that I never had to confess the truth.
I feel like a fake. I feel like I have no right to be so involved and so attached and so invested in this child. However, I just can’t help myself. I love him and I care about him and for him and who he is and who he will become. He will be the only child I will ever get the chance to parent. There are times when I tell myself that I’m going to take a step (or 10) back and just let BJ do the parenting. That doesn’t usually last very long because I just can’t seem to help myself.
And the burning question is: Would I still have all of these feelings if I were able to have or already had my own child? Would I be as attached to him? Would I be as involved? Would I feel like such a fraud if I mothered him right along with mothering my own child? That is another post waiting to be written.
I’m very involved in the LG’s life. I don’t know how not to be. It’s very easy for me to fall into a parenting roll when he’s with us. I worry about him all the time. I worry if kids at school are picking on him because of his slight speech impairment (he has trouble with the letter R). I worry about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep and what he’s eating and drinking. I worry that something is wrong when he sleeps late on the weekend. He’s a heart patient and his doctor says that he’s the picture of health, but still....I worry.
I also do other “motherly” things. I cook for him, I pack his lunch, I do his laundry, I help with homework, I try to teach him things, I hug him when he’s sad, I laugh at his silly jokes, I attend some school functions, I go to school meetings, I go to all sporting events, I scrapbook for him, I buy him clothes and toys, I take him out to eat and to the movies and to hockey games. I also do the not so fun things like tell him to hurry up and eat his dinner because it’s getting late, tell him to scoop the litter, to clean his bathroom, to throw his trash away, to put his clothes in the laundry basket...all those things that his future wife will thank me for later. Basically, I’m trying to teach him to be responsible, courteous of others, have some initiative and how to be independent. These things are not easy to accomplish since his mother does not make him do much of anything. That is a topic for another post.
When I’m at a scrapbooking event and people ask me about my pictures I have to say that the child in them is my stepson. I sometimes wonder if they think it’s strange that I have so many photos of him and that I’m taking such pride in making the scrapbook when he’s not “my” child. I wonder if they think I’m going a little overboard since he’s not “mine”. I wonder if they think it’s odd that I’m doing this for him instead of “just having my own”. If only they knew.
When I do all of these things, I feel like a Mom. I feel the love, the pride, the angst, the worry, the disappointment (sometimes), the joy, the excitement...all of it. But he’s not mine. He never will be. I wonder if I'm too attached. Am I too involved? Am I stepping over my bounds as a step parent? I wonder how his mother feels sometimes when she knows how involved I am. I know that if I were in her shoes I’d be happy that someone loved my child but I’d also want her back off a little (a lot??) sometimes.
I have all these parenting duties and feelings and then time and time again I’m slapped in the face with the fact that he’s not mine and that I’m not his mother. It’s like I’m playing House and pretending to be the Mom. The LG loves me, I know that. He’s very sweet and very affectionate and when BJ and I are playing around (wrestling) he comes to my defense. We are allies when BJ is in one of his moods and we stick together when one of us is feeling down and out. He never intentionally makes me feel like I’m second best, but I know that I am. He has a mother. She is very involved in his life, too, of course. I’m glad that she is but at the same time it just kills me to be the 3rd wheel of the parenting vehicle.
I had a very bitter sweet moment a couple of weeks ago when his mother was out of town. There was an event at school for kids and their moms. Since she was not available, he asked me to go. I was thrilled to be there. I also felt very out of place. There were moms and kids all around us and I knew I didn’t really belong and the only reason I was there was because the real mom was away.
Sometimes when the 3 of us are out together everyone assumes that he is mine. We have almost the same color hair and we both have blue eyes so it’s a natural assumption. People will say, “and what is mom having?” or “how does his hair look, mom?” (when he’s getting a haircut). Sometimes I ‘fess up but other times it’s just easier to go with the flow. I’ve explained my reasoning to him about why I don’t always tell people and he’s ok with it, or so he says. In the back of my mind I’m wishing that I never had to confess the truth.
I feel like a fake. I feel like I have no right to be so involved and so attached and so invested in this child. However, I just can’t help myself. I love him and I care about him and for him and who he is and who he will become. He will be the only child I will ever get the chance to parent. There are times when I tell myself that I’m going to take a step (or 10) back and just let BJ do the parenting. That doesn’t usually last very long because I just can’t seem to help myself.
And the burning question is: Would I still have all of these feelings if I were able to have or already had my own child? Would I be as attached to him? Would I be as involved? Would I feel like such a fraud if I mothered him right along with mothering my own child? That is another post waiting to be written.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
More Randoms
I can't seem to get myself together for a real post, so here is another jumble of thoughts and happenings. Thank you all for the birthday and anniversary wishes. It wasn't an easy time but it was still nice to be off work and spend the extra time with my family, and for that I am grateful.
• I had virtually eliminated caffeine from my diet during my 2ww. I’m not a coffee drinker but I like an ice cold diet cola at least once a day and when we go to dinner I usually get tea. I didn’t have access to a caffeine free soda one day while at work so I bought a regular bottled one and had a very small amount out of it, just to quench my craving. I put the lid on really tight and planned to take it home to BJ. I left it in my locker all this time. I opened it today and wouldn’t you know it still had its fizz after all this time? I wish I still had my fizz.
• The LG’s mother and her live in boyfriend of almost 3 years are splitting up. He’ll be moving out this weekend....into the basement of his ex (they were together for 14 years) and her girlfriend. Yes, you read that right...she left him for a woman and now he’s going to be living with them. He’ll get to see his kids every day and that is a great thing. Unfortunately, this almost eliminates his oldest son from hanging out with the LG. The LG idolizes/worships this boy. He’s 2 years older than the LG and the LG really “fell” for him. Even going as far as listing him as his step-brother on FB. It’s going to be a rough transition for him (LG). They will still see each other here and there, I guess, but it will definitely not be the same by any stretch of the imagination. Poor LG. The good thing is that he is with us this weekend and so he won’t be around to see the boyfriend moving out and his mother upset. The boyfriend is definitely nowhere near as close to the LG as I am so that is a good thing, too, I guess.
• We are having my SIL and her family over Saturday afternoon. I’m making an Italian Chicken Pasta Salad (thanks for the recipe, Nanci!! I finally made it a couple of weeks ago and we all loved it) We will be grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and I’m sure the boys will want to spend the night so we’ll see where it takes us. I’m looking forward to it as the more chaos there is the more my mind is taken away from my pain. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
• I was going to post on FB how shocked and pleased I was when my mother called me for my birthday but I didn’t. I knew it would spark major drama with my sister and brother and that is a shitstorm I didn’t want to start. Just to let it be known here, I am so grateful that my mom called me. I miss her so much and even though I know she wouldn’t be particularly at all comforting during this time, it would still have been nice to have her here to hug me and let me cry to her.
• I’m thinking of changing the name and the focus of my blog. I’m not sure what type of blog I will have now, but it won’t be a TTC blog as we are not trying anymore. (It kills me to type those words) I’m thinking of making this a focus on my family history...sort of an autobiography. I don’t know. There’s lots to tell and lots of pain to work through so I know I can fill the pages. Plus, we all know how wordy I can be. :-)
• I have been unable to throw away the last few Endometrin tablets on my bathroom counter. I have also not thrown away the empty boxes of Gonal-F and Menopur. It doesn’t really hurt to look at them for some reason. It actually brings a sort of comforting feeling. I know that probably sounds strange but it’s true. I also have a wonderful necklace (I’ll try to remember to post a picture of it) that was sent to me by one of my bloggy buddies (Thank you Esperanza!!) that I keep propped up on my bathroom counter. I look at it every morning and evening and think about what I had and it also brings me a sort of comfort. I look at the center part of the necklace and think about the soul that it represents and it makes me feel more connected in some way. BJ doesn’t quite understand this concept and that’s ok...he’s not the one that had the embryo inside of him. He’s not the one that was completely exhausted. He’s not the one that was sickened by tomatoes. He’s not the one that has been dreaming of a pregnancy for over 10 years. I forgive him this as he does not fully understand my pain. He lost something, but it didn’t change anything physically for him and he told me more than once that he would not believe it or get excited about it until it was confirmed viable by the doctor. I know he hurts for me more than he hurts for himself right now. I get that and I accept that.
• I have been enjoying reading the updates of the many new mommies out there. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief (as I know they do) that they have babies now...and some have more than one baby! I love seeing the pictures and knowing the joy that these women/families are now experiencing after such long roads of heartache and disappointment. Even though some of the posts are hard for me to get through, I use their joy as sort of a catalyst for myself. How can I feel sad after reading such great updates and looking at such wonderful pictures of perfect little miracles? That’s not to say that I’m not jealous or envious, but it doesn’t make me cry, it makes me smile a little and that is a good thing these days.
• I had virtually eliminated caffeine from my diet during my 2ww. I’m not a coffee drinker but I like an ice cold diet cola at least once a day and when we go to dinner I usually get tea. I didn’t have access to a caffeine free soda one day while at work so I bought a regular bottled one and had a very small amount out of it, just to quench my craving. I put the lid on really tight and planned to take it home to BJ. I left it in my locker all this time. I opened it today and wouldn’t you know it still had its fizz after all this time? I wish I still had my fizz.
• The LG’s mother and her live in boyfriend of almost 3 years are splitting up. He’ll be moving out this weekend....into the basement of his ex (they were together for 14 years) and her girlfriend. Yes, you read that right...she left him for a woman and now he’s going to be living with them. He’ll get to see his kids every day and that is a great thing. Unfortunately, this almost eliminates his oldest son from hanging out with the LG. The LG idolizes/worships this boy. He’s 2 years older than the LG and the LG really “fell” for him. Even going as far as listing him as his step-brother on FB. It’s going to be a rough transition for him (LG). They will still see each other here and there, I guess, but it will definitely not be the same by any stretch of the imagination. Poor LG. The good thing is that he is with us this weekend and so he won’t be around to see the boyfriend moving out and his mother upset. The boyfriend is definitely nowhere near as close to the LG as I am so that is a good thing, too, I guess.
• We are having my SIL and her family over Saturday afternoon. I’m making an Italian Chicken Pasta Salad (thanks for the recipe, Nanci!! I finally made it a couple of weeks ago and we all loved it) We will be grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and I’m sure the boys will want to spend the night so we’ll see where it takes us. I’m looking forward to it as the more chaos there is the more my mind is taken away from my pain. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
• I was going to post on FB how shocked and pleased I was when my mother called me for my birthday but I didn’t. I knew it would spark major drama with my sister and brother and that is a shitstorm I didn’t want to start. Just to let it be known here, I am so grateful that my mom called me. I miss her so much and even though I know she wouldn’t be particularly at all comforting during this time, it would still have been nice to have her here to hug me and let me cry to her.
• I’m thinking of changing the name and the focus of my blog. I’m not sure what type of blog I will have now, but it won’t be a TTC blog as we are not trying anymore. (It kills me to type those words) I’m thinking of making this a focus on my family history...sort of an autobiography. I don’t know. There’s lots to tell and lots of pain to work through so I know I can fill the pages. Plus, we all know how wordy I can be. :-)
• I have been unable to throw away the last few Endometrin tablets on my bathroom counter. I have also not thrown away the empty boxes of Gonal-F and Menopur. It doesn’t really hurt to look at them for some reason. It actually brings a sort of comforting feeling. I know that probably sounds strange but it’s true. I also have a wonderful necklace (I’ll try to remember to post a picture of it) that was sent to me by one of my bloggy buddies (Thank you Esperanza!!) that I keep propped up on my bathroom counter. I look at it every morning and evening and think about what I had and it also brings me a sort of comfort. I look at the center part of the necklace and think about the soul that it represents and it makes me feel more connected in some way. BJ doesn’t quite understand this concept and that’s ok...he’s not the one that had the embryo inside of him. He’s not the one that was completely exhausted. He’s not the one that was sickened by tomatoes. He’s not the one that has been dreaming of a pregnancy for over 10 years. I forgive him this as he does not fully understand my pain. He lost something, but it didn’t change anything physically for him and he told me more than once that he would not believe it or get excited about it until it was confirmed viable by the doctor. I know he hurts for me more than he hurts for himself right now. I get that and I accept that.
• I have been enjoying reading the updates of the many new mommies out there. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief (as I know they do) that they have babies now...and some have more than one baby! I love seeing the pictures and knowing the joy that these women/families are now experiencing after such long roads of heartache and disappointment. Even though some of the posts are hard for me to get through, I use their joy as sort of a catalyst for myself. How can I feel sad after reading such great updates and looking at such wonderful pictures of perfect little miracles? That’s not to say that I’m not jealous or envious, but it doesn’t make me cry, it makes me smile a little and that is a good thing these days.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I'm Still Here
Hi everyone. Sorry I have been out of touch lately. I was off work last week and sitting with the laptop on my lap just didn't seem appealing. I have quite a few posts from you all that I need to catch up on as well as my commenting. I definitely slacked on that last week, too. I like to take all or at least part of that week off in May each year. My birthday was Wednesday and our anniversary was Friday. Plus, the weather is usually really nice during that time. I'm working on about 8 posts in my head but for now I'm going to try and give you a brief (ha ha) rundown of how things have been going lately.
The Little Guy's mother went camping for almost a week in Dover. She and her boyfriend love the races and they usually go to 4 or 5 races a year. During this time she missed 2 of his baseball games. He was in the lineup to pitch again. He did a great job. He even struck someone out! We were so excited. I sent a couple of texts to his mother to give her updates. He didn't hit great that game but was very proud of himself for his pitching, as he should be.
I went to a scrapbooking crop (an event to work on scrapbooks) and finished 32 pages. I didn't do much talking to the other participants because they were talking about their dogs and their kids and their extracurricular activities and I just didn't feel like I had a lot to contribute. I chimed in here and there with stories about the LG but I feel like such a fraud when I do that. One of my upcoming posts will be more on that feeling. I ordered a special edition album for myself just in case our IVF worked and I ended up having a little girl. The order was placed while I was stimming, I think. When I saw it on the table I got a little choked up. It will now be a gift for my SIL for her birthday next month.
We found out that the LG's teacher has leukemia. She's being treated at one of the best hospitals around. We noticed that he was having a substitute quite often so we were wondering what was up. At a meeting at the school (second beta day) the Vice Principal told us she was having health issues and we didn't push the matter. The LG's mom called me the next day with the diagnosis. She knows someone that volunteers at the school a lot that spilled the beans. It's very sad and it really lets us know that no one is immune from illness. I'm hoping that she gets the treatment that will save her. I don't want to tell the LG any bad news about his teacher.
My birthday was Wednesday and it passed without too much fan fare, which I'm fine with. Besides the fact that I lost our baby 2 weeks before, it was my 35th birthday. My cutoff date for any more trying. Needless to say I wish the day never happened this year. BJ forgot what day it was until after 2:00 (and after 3 phone conversations) when he called me and was very apologetic. He knew it was my birthday but with me being off and not talking about it, it slipped his mind. My mother even called me. I about fell out of my chair. My dad called, of course. More on that later, too. My SIL stopped by with a card, a balloon and a rose bush for me to plant. I was thrilled that she remembered. I am very lucky to have her. I baked cupcakes for the first time ever. I just made the cake mix out of the box and the icing out of the container but they were so yummy. I even bought a piping bag and tips and frosted them! Go me! We went to dinner and then it was just an evening on the couch.
The LG went 4 for 4 at his game Thursday with a double. It was very exciting. It definitely boosted his confidence even more.
Our 4th wedding anniversary was Friday. BJ was going to take off but he had a meeting in Annapolis at 1:00 that he could not miss. :-( As he was driving up there he called me and I said that he should have come back home to pick me up so we could hang together after his meeting. He promptly turned around and drove 30 minutes backwards to come and get me. He came in the door and said, "we should pack a bag in case we want to stay somewhere up there." BRILLIANT idea. I've never thrown an overnight bag together so quickly in my life. We headed up there and he had his meeting and we hit the mall. We browsed for a while and I saw a Pottery Barn Kids and decided to head in there to see if there was anything cool for the LG's room. As I was looking around at the kid stuff I turned and saw that BJ had found a nice rocker/glider to sit in. I walked over to him and he said, "you ought to try this". My eyes started darting around to the back of the store and I noticed that BJ was sitting in front of a crib and all of a sudden my chest got tight and I didn't know where to look to avoid all the baby stuff that we had stumbled upon. I said, "no...I need to leave this store now." He looked around and noticed the crib and agreed with me. When will this stop hurting so much? We decided not to stay up there because even the Holiday Inn Express wanted almost $200 for the night. We came home and showered and headed to Outback to use a gift card I had. Our neighbors were there...the ones that supposedly don't like or want kids. She pulls out a photo album and it's full of pictures of her newborn nephew. I smile and get tears in my eyes as I'm flipping the pages. One of BJ's coworkers is there, also. His wife comes over with pictures of their new granddaughter. REALLY??? Have I not suffered enough? As I'm staring at each picture I just can't believe that I will never have one of these beautiful beings. She looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I said, "yes, I'm just enjoying the pictures." Liar.
The weekend was filled with removing all of our front landscaping, tilling it, tilling around the mailbox, shopping for plants, digging holes, mixing dirt, planting and spreading mulch. We live in an area that is mostly filled with clay. Clay that you could make sculptures out of. Needless to say, BJ had a really hard time digging all those holes. Poor thing. We are not finished yet but enough is done to where we don't have to do anything this weekend unless we want to.
There's more to update but this post has gotten long enough so I'll close with that. Thank you everyone for being there and thinking of me. I will be catching up with all of you over the next couple of days.
The Little Guy's mother went camping for almost a week in Dover. She and her boyfriend love the races and they usually go to 4 or 5 races a year. During this time she missed 2 of his baseball games. He was in the lineup to pitch again. He did a great job. He even struck someone out! We were so excited. I sent a couple of texts to his mother to give her updates. He didn't hit great that game but was very proud of himself for his pitching, as he should be.
I went to a scrapbooking crop (an event to work on scrapbooks) and finished 32 pages. I didn't do much talking to the other participants because they were talking about their dogs and their kids and their extracurricular activities and I just didn't feel like I had a lot to contribute. I chimed in here and there with stories about the LG but I feel like such a fraud when I do that. One of my upcoming posts will be more on that feeling. I ordered a special edition album for myself just in case our IVF worked and I ended up having a little girl. The order was placed while I was stimming, I think. When I saw it on the table I got a little choked up. It will now be a gift for my SIL for her birthday next month.
We found out that the LG's teacher has leukemia. She's being treated at one of the best hospitals around. We noticed that he was having a substitute quite often so we were wondering what was up. At a meeting at the school (second beta day) the Vice Principal told us she was having health issues and we didn't push the matter. The LG's mom called me the next day with the diagnosis. She knows someone that volunteers at the school a lot that spilled the beans. It's very sad and it really lets us know that no one is immune from illness. I'm hoping that she gets the treatment that will save her. I don't want to tell the LG any bad news about his teacher.
My birthday was Wednesday and it passed without too much fan fare, which I'm fine with. Besides the fact that I lost our baby 2 weeks before, it was my 35th birthday. My cutoff date for any more trying. Needless to say I wish the day never happened this year. BJ forgot what day it was until after 2:00 (and after 3 phone conversations) when he called me and was very apologetic. He knew it was my birthday but with me being off and not talking about it, it slipped his mind. My mother even called me. I about fell out of my chair. My dad called, of course. More on that later, too. My SIL stopped by with a card, a balloon and a rose bush for me to plant. I was thrilled that she remembered. I am very lucky to have her. I baked cupcakes for the first time ever. I just made the cake mix out of the box and the icing out of the container but they were so yummy. I even bought a piping bag and tips and frosted them! Go me! We went to dinner and then it was just an evening on the couch.
The LG went 4 for 4 at his game Thursday with a double. It was very exciting. It definitely boosted his confidence even more.
Our 4th wedding anniversary was Friday. BJ was going to take off but he had a meeting in Annapolis at 1:00 that he could not miss. :-( As he was driving up there he called me and I said that he should have come back home to pick me up so we could hang together after his meeting. He promptly turned around and drove 30 minutes backwards to come and get me. He came in the door and said, "we should pack a bag in case we want to stay somewhere up there." BRILLIANT idea. I've never thrown an overnight bag together so quickly in my life. We headed up there and he had his meeting and we hit the mall. We browsed for a while and I saw a Pottery Barn Kids and decided to head in there to see if there was anything cool for the LG's room. As I was looking around at the kid stuff I turned and saw that BJ had found a nice rocker/glider to sit in. I walked over to him and he said, "you ought to try this". My eyes started darting around to the back of the store and I noticed that BJ was sitting in front of a crib and all of a sudden my chest got tight and I didn't know where to look to avoid all the baby stuff that we had stumbled upon. I said, "no...I need to leave this store now." He looked around and noticed the crib and agreed with me. When will this stop hurting so much? We decided not to stay up there because even the Holiday Inn Express wanted almost $200 for the night. We came home and showered and headed to Outback to use a gift card I had. Our neighbors were there...the ones that supposedly don't like or want kids. She pulls out a photo album and it's full of pictures of her newborn nephew. I smile and get tears in my eyes as I'm flipping the pages. One of BJ's coworkers is there, also. His wife comes over with pictures of their new granddaughter. REALLY??? Have I not suffered enough? As I'm staring at each picture I just can't believe that I will never have one of these beautiful beings. She looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I said, "yes, I'm just enjoying the pictures." Liar.
The weekend was filled with removing all of our front landscaping, tilling it, tilling around the mailbox, shopping for plants, digging holes, mixing dirt, planting and spreading mulch. We live in an area that is mostly filled with clay. Clay that you could make sculptures out of. Needless to say, BJ had a really hard time digging all those holes. Poor thing. We are not finished yet but enough is done to where we don't have to do anything this weekend unless we want to.
There's more to update but this post has gotten long enough so I'll close with that. Thank you everyone for being there and thinking of me. I will be catching up with all of you over the next couple of days.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Happiness Is...
- The Little Guy pitching in his first game last week. He threw 4 or 5 strikes and walked a few batters so he wasn’t happy with himself so we did our best to tell him how proud we all are of him. He said he was afraid of hitting someone (like he did in practice) but he didn’t and we told him that he should be proud of accomplishing that goal. Even though his debut was on Thursday (the day of the official phone call about the end of my pregnancy) it was so much fun to watch him and cheer for him and try to calm him down when we could tell that he was getting frustrated. I can’t wait for him to pitch again.
- The weather lately. In our area of the country we have a habit of getting about 2 weeks of Spring and then it jumps straight to hot and humid Summer temperatures. This year we are definitely having a Spring. It’s been in the low 70’s for about a week now and even though we’ve had some pretty chilly days, it’s nice to make a slow transition to Summer.
- Strawberries and fruit dip for an after dinner snack. The fruit dip is really easy to make and it’s not that bad for you even though it tastes like it is. Just mix one tub of cool whip lite with most of the contents of a container of blueberry yogurt. It’s best to let the cool whip soften in the fridge for a while before mixing. And I guess you could add the whole container of yogurt but I don’t. Then just dip the berries (any berries, really) in the mixture and enjoy. Everyone loves it when I make it for get togethers.
- Rubbing the tummy of my Gizmo. He’s the sweetest little cat. When I come out of our bedroom in the morning he’s waiting for me and he throws himself down on the floor to expose that soft fluffy belly and just lets me rub and rub and rub. He rolls back and forth and meows and squeaks....it’s great. He does this when I come home from work on most days, too. He purrs so loudly and just looks at me with big loving eyes....melts my heart.
- Writing this post. It’s not easy right now to come up with happy things but there are things that make me smile and I do have things to get out of bed for every day. I have a job, a car, a house, a husband, a step son, my parents, other extended family, kitties and my overall health. All things to be happy about.
- The weather lately. In our area of the country we have a habit of getting about 2 weeks of Spring and then it jumps straight to hot and humid Summer temperatures. This year we are definitely having a Spring. It’s been in the low 70’s for about a week now and even though we’ve had some pretty chilly days, it’s nice to make a slow transition to Summer.
- Strawberries and fruit dip for an after dinner snack. The fruit dip is really easy to make and it’s not that bad for you even though it tastes like it is. Just mix one tub of cool whip lite with most of the contents of a container of blueberry yogurt. It’s best to let the cool whip soften in the fridge for a while before mixing. And I guess you could add the whole container of yogurt but I don’t. Then just dip the berries (any berries, really) in the mixture and enjoy. Everyone loves it when I make it for get togethers.
- Rubbing the tummy of my Gizmo. He’s the sweetest little cat. When I come out of our bedroom in the morning he’s waiting for me and he throws himself down on the floor to expose that soft fluffy belly and just lets me rub and rub and rub. He rolls back and forth and meows and squeaks....it’s great. He does this when I come home from work on most days, too. He purrs so loudly and just looks at me with big loving eyes....melts my heart.
- Writing this post. It’s not easy right now to come up with happy things but there are things that make me smile and I do have things to get out of bed for every day. I have a job, a car, a house, a husband, a step son, my parents, other extended family, kitties and my overall health. All things to be happy about.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Physical Side
There are some definite emotional aspects of losing a pregnancy; I think we can all agree on that. Some of them I was prepared for, others not so much. Today, however, I want to talk a little bit about the physical aspects of what I am going through. Some of this is because I have stopped all the meds but the changes are still changes no matter the reason. I need to give a voice to some of these things and my blog is the perfect place to unload. I promise that not all of my posts will be downer posts but right now I’m a bit overwhelmed with my feelings and I don’t have the ability to let it out in my everyday life.
One of the first physical changes I have noticed is that I’m not nearly as tired as I was before. I miss the tiredness.
I’m not sickened by tomatoes anymore. This symptom was rather exciting to experience. I’ve read about and heard 100 stories about people that can’t eat one thing or another that used to be their favorite and it was really cool to have that happen to me. I wish tomatoes still made me feel sick.
I’ve had some really painful cramps with this period. There were a few times that I had to catch my breath because it felt like someone was stabbing my ovary or my uterus with a machete. This pain was tough to deal with as I knew it didn’t mean good things were happening in that part of my body.
As of this morning, my boobs have quit hurting. Mind you, they have been pretty damn sore since about the 3rd day of my birth control pills. The pain eased up a little after retrieval but then promptly started aching like crazy again shortly thereafter. I don’t think they actually had time to grow but they sure felt a bit more “solid” through this whole thing. I miss the boob pain. The pain was the last trace of physical evidence that I had that my body tried to create a life.
I am pad/panty liner free as of a few hours ago. I had been wearing a panty liner since the day after retrieval because of the progesterone suppositories. I was irritated by them and I was sick of oozing but I was hoping to have to wear them for several more weeks. I still needed them after I stopped the meds as there was some residual “exiting” going on. Then the period came.
My period was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it would be. I guess it’s true when they say a lot of early pregnancies terminate themselves ever before the woman knows she’s pregnant. I sure couldn’t tell that I had been on extra E2 or that my ute was trying to fill up for a baby. The period started Sunday morning and was pretty much gone by Tuesday morning, aside from some spotting. So this morning I took my liner off.
I had a rough evening last night. It was baseball practice night so BJ and the Little Guy were not home when I got there and it was my job to cook dinner. I reached to get the pot for the spaghetti noodles and saw the mail on the counter. It was only 2 things and as I picked up the first item I was sucker punched when I saw what the second thing was. It was a brochure from our local hospital. The front cover had a mom and her newborn and the words, “Thinking of having a baby?” I stared at it for a second and then promptly picked it up, tore it in half and threw it in the trash. I was so angry at BJ for leaving it there. My anger and hurt eventually built to a boiling point. When the Little Guy went up to take a shower I started crying. I couldn’t stop, I could barely catch my breath. BJ came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told him that it just really hurts and it gets to be too much sometimes. And he had the nerve to ask me “what does?”. I couldn’t speak. And then he said, “the baby thing?”. All I could do was nod. How could this man be so blind? He gave me a hug and I cried for a few minutes. I am shocked at how quickly he has recovered and apparently forgotten what just happened to us, to me. I told him it was really hard to come home and see that flyer from the hospital and he said he meant to throw it away. Really? The trashcan is about 5 feet from where he laid it down on the counter. I obviously can’t share my grief with him. He’s shown that he’s not emotionally available to me. I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good at dealing with people that grieve but I thought it would be different this time considering he lost something too. I was afraid of what a BFN would do to our relationship and now I’m even more afraid of what this loss will do. I’m too emotional and too raw right now to have to worry about my marriage so I’m just going to do my best to suck it up when I’m around him and do my grieving in private and on my blog. I love him too much to even think about losing him too.
A better post is coming tomorrow, I promise. There are other things going on in my life besides these recent events and they deserve some recognition, too.
One of the first physical changes I have noticed is that I’m not nearly as tired as I was before. I miss the tiredness.
I’m not sickened by tomatoes anymore. This symptom was rather exciting to experience. I’ve read about and heard 100 stories about people that can’t eat one thing or another that used to be their favorite and it was really cool to have that happen to me. I wish tomatoes still made me feel sick.
I’ve had some really painful cramps with this period. There were a few times that I had to catch my breath because it felt like someone was stabbing my ovary or my uterus with a machete. This pain was tough to deal with as I knew it didn’t mean good things were happening in that part of my body.
As of this morning, my boobs have quit hurting. Mind you, they have been pretty damn sore since about the 3rd day of my birth control pills. The pain eased up a little after retrieval but then promptly started aching like crazy again shortly thereafter. I don’t think they actually had time to grow but they sure felt a bit more “solid” through this whole thing. I miss the boob pain. The pain was the last trace of physical evidence that I had that my body tried to create a life.
I am pad/panty liner free as of a few hours ago. I had been wearing a panty liner since the day after retrieval because of the progesterone suppositories. I was irritated by them and I was sick of oozing but I was hoping to have to wear them for several more weeks. I still needed them after I stopped the meds as there was some residual “exiting” going on. Then the period came.
My period was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it would be. I guess it’s true when they say a lot of early pregnancies terminate themselves ever before the woman knows she’s pregnant. I sure couldn’t tell that I had been on extra E2 or that my ute was trying to fill up for a baby. The period started Sunday morning and was pretty much gone by Tuesday morning, aside from some spotting. So this morning I took my liner off.
I had a rough evening last night. It was baseball practice night so BJ and the Little Guy were not home when I got there and it was my job to cook dinner. I reached to get the pot for the spaghetti noodles and saw the mail on the counter. It was only 2 things and as I picked up the first item I was sucker punched when I saw what the second thing was. It was a brochure from our local hospital. The front cover had a mom and her newborn and the words, “Thinking of having a baby?” I stared at it for a second and then promptly picked it up, tore it in half and threw it in the trash. I was so angry at BJ for leaving it there. My anger and hurt eventually built to a boiling point. When the Little Guy went up to take a shower I started crying. I couldn’t stop, I could barely catch my breath. BJ came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told him that it just really hurts and it gets to be too much sometimes. And he had the nerve to ask me “what does?”. I couldn’t speak. And then he said, “the baby thing?”. All I could do was nod. How could this man be so blind? He gave me a hug and I cried for a few minutes. I am shocked at how quickly he has recovered and apparently forgotten what just happened to us, to me. I told him it was really hard to come home and see that flyer from the hospital and he said he meant to throw it away. Really? The trashcan is about 5 feet from where he laid it down on the counter. I obviously can’t share my grief with him. He’s shown that he’s not emotionally available to me. I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good at dealing with people that grieve but I thought it would be different this time considering he lost something too. I was afraid of what a BFN would do to our relationship and now I’m even more afraid of what this loss will do. I’m too emotional and too raw right now to have to worry about my marriage so I’m just going to do my best to suck it up when I’m around him and do my grieving in private and on my blog. I love him too much to even think about losing him too.
A better post is coming tomorrow, I promise. There are other things going on in my life besides these recent events and they deserve some recognition, too.
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