The Annual Exam

After a few reschedules (twice by them and once by me) and a plan to call for an appointment after my positive beta to set up my 10 week appointment (that was never to be), I actually had my annual gynecological exam yesterday.


I decided to see the nurse practitioner whom I’m never met because my regular doctor didn’t have any openings for an annual exam until August. I was way overdue (supposed to go in March) so I decided to skip the regular doctor. I made the right choice. My doctor is very quick and straight to the point and doesn’t really leave a lot of time for chatting or being emotional (like I was). I knew I needed to try something different.

I parked my truck and started heading for the building entrance. I was overcome by a heavy sadness and my eyes filled with tears. I wasn’t supposed to be here for a few more weeks...and I was supposed to be pregnant at my first visit...with a list of questions and forms to fill out and maybe even a chance at hearing a heartbeat. Instead, I’m walking into another appointment with an empty uterus. I thought for sure the waiting room would be filled with pregnant bellies and babies. To my delight, there were only 2 pregnant women and only one of them had a “baby” belly. The other one looked, to put it lightly, like she could have just been plump. She was wearing a maternity top and her boyfriend/husband was with her.

I was called back pretty quickly, which I love. I changed into the sexy white paper vest and hopped up on the table with my cozy white sheet. I’m glad she came in pretty soon after that because the literature in the office was upsetting me...all about babies and pregnancies.

She sat down and started asking me questions. She had never seen me before so I think she wanted to “get to know me” better. When she opened the floor for me to disclose any problems I may be having, I started with the dreaded, “I have infertility issues”.

Doc – I see that (as she flips through papers on her clip board)
Me – we did an IVF in April and it was semi-successful...I miscarried around 5 weeks.

I tried to hold it together as best I could and I think I did a pretty good job. However, with saying that out loud to her I could not stop the tears from coming. They welled up in my eyes as she took notes.

Doc – are you going to be doing any more cycles or treatments?
Me – unable to speak for fear of losing all control and sobbing in front of her...I just shook my head “no”

As she was writing more notes I pulled myself together and said, “It costs too much money.” She agreed that indeed it does.

Then she asked me if I had to have a D&C. Nope
Then she asked me if I knew why it happened. I’m pretty sure I have bad eggs.

I rehashed the cancelled cycle 2 years ago and then the cycle with just 2 embryos and then this cycle with the “not very good” embryos.

She was very soft spoken and she knew I was pretty upset so she kept her questions to a minimum, which I appreciate.

Then the exam started and it was pretty routine. She was pretty gentle and nice about things, which is always good. She wasn’t in a hurry like my doctor usually is so it was nice to feel like she cared about what I was telling her. She said that everything looked and felt good and to let her know if I have any issues with anything. I checked out, made my appointment for next year (with her) and left.

I felt emotionally exhausted when I got home but didn’t really get a chance to dwell on it as we had the LG’s baseball game to go to. They lost in the last inning...the winning run was scored off a pitch by the LG. I felt so bad for him but told him that the reason the kid got the hit was because he (LG) was pitching strikes, right over the plate and that is something to be proud of.

PS - thank you everyone for helping me through my feelings yesterday.  It's hard to love a child so much and give so much of myself to him all the while knowing that his loyalty for all things "mom" are to his real mother (as it should be, of course).  Sometimes it's a lot to take in.  I'm going to savor all of my time with him and just do my best to keep our relationship good and honest and I know everything will turn out fine.