- light Friday traffic. I drove in to work today (instead of taking the bus) because I'm leaving early for a doctor appointment (not IF related) and it's nice when traffic is light and flows smoothly.
- FRIDAY!!!! 'nuff said.
- this glorious weather. I know I talk about it a lot, but the weather really plays a roll in my moods. And that fact that we will be close to 75 tomorrow with lots and lots of sunshine just pleases me to no end.
- going to look at kittens. We promised the Little Guy we'd get a kitten in our new house. He's never had a kitten. There is a cat at his mother's but she was full grown when he was born and my Smokey was full grown (they are only about a month apart in age) when he moved in with me. We are just browsing over 3 kittens that are ready and if one strikes us as our next family member, we are going to adopt it. If not, then we keep looking as more kittens will be available over the next month or so.
- walking 1.3 miles on the treadmill yesterday and not having my hips hurt afterward. I've been having some major aches and pains in my hips lately (that's why I'm going to the doctor today) and to be able to walk that far without hurting was wonderful.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Timing is Everything
"Timing is everything" is a very common saying. It is also one of the most truest cliches out there. When I think about TTC, all I can think about is timing. The more I learned about TTC and fertility and ART, the more I realized that timing really is everything.
We have to take our temperature at the same time each morning.
We have to POAS a couple of times a day (sometimes) to figure out what time we should be having sex.
We have to actually find the time to have the sex necessary to get KU....during our fertile time.
We have to wait at least 10dpo to POanotherS otherwise, our timing could be off and we could get a false negative (yeah, like any of my negatives have been false).
The timing of CD1 is imperative to anyone undergoing a medical fertility treatment of any sort.
We have to make sure we don't waste any time getting our DH's SA to the lab for analysis.
We have to get up at the crack of dawn (sometimes) for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound...I hate those times.
We have to start our Clomid on time.
We have to take our injections at the same time each day.
We have to trigger at a certain time to make sure we ovulate on time.
The IUI has to be done at a certain time to make sure the swimmers have enough time to get where they need to go.
We have to have our ER 36 hours after our trigger shot...to time fertilization properly.
We have to give the embies time to grow (usually 3 to 5 days).
Then the embies have to be put back at a certain time to maximize their livelyhood.
We then wait until we are pretty sure that the trigger shot has had time to leave our system as to not get a false positive when we POAS.
Then it all starts over.
Who would have thought that the timing of all of this had to be so precise? I remember in health class they would just tell us that the egg came out on day 14 and then the sperm went in (we all know the sperm needs to be there first and wait for the egg. Hey, that's funny...the sperm comes from the man and men are always complaining about waiting on a woman..the egg! Ha Ha! I'm here all week folks.) and they meet up and live in the fluffy uterus for 9 months. They said it could happen at any time...boy were they wrong about that whole timing thing.
I'm trying to pass this 2ww by not thinking about fertility or my lack thereof. I've been doing a pretty good job. So good in fact, that I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Thank goodness I'm far enough away from ovulation and from AF that missing one day isn't going to make or break my cycle. Plus, with the warm weather and sunshine I have a lot more to think about. I can't wait until they come and finish our yard. I'm itching like crazy to plant some flowers and hang some flower baskets and get some deck boxes for the back deck. I've never been much on planting until we were trying to sell the old house and wanted to spruce up the outside. I loved watering and watching things grow and bloom. Especially because I'm not a green thumb so I have no idea what most of the plants were that I planted, so each one was a surprise as it grew. :-) I bought some big flower pots that I'd like to fill this weekend to get some color until they finish our yard. I can't wait!
We have to take our temperature at the same time each morning.
We have to POAS a couple of times a day (sometimes) to figure out what time we should be having sex.
We have to actually find the time to have the sex necessary to get KU....during our fertile time.
We have to wait at least 10dpo to POanotherS otherwise, our timing could be off and we could get a false negative (yeah, like any of my negatives have been false).
The timing of CD1 is imperative to anyone undergoing a medical fertility treatment of any sort.
We have to make sure we don't waste any time getting our DH's SA to the lab for analysis.
We have to get up at the crack of dawn (sometimes) for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound...I hate those times.
We have to start our Clomid on time.
We have to take our injections at the same time each day.
We have to trigger at a certain time to make sure we ovulate on time.
The IUI has to be done at a certain time to make sure the swimmers have enough time to get where they need to go.
We have to have our ER 36 hours after our trigger shot...to time fertilization properly.
We have to give the embies time to grow (usually 3 to 5 days).
Then the embies have to be put back at a certain time to maximize their livelyhood.
We then wait until we are pretty sure that the trigger shot has had time to leave our system as to not get a false positive when we POAS.
Then it all starts over.
Who would have thought that the timing of all of this had to be so precise? I remember in health class they would just tell us that the egg came out on day 14 and then the sperm went in (we all know the sperm needs to be there first and wait for the egg. Hey, that's funny...the sperm comes from the man and men are always complaining about waiting on a woman..the egg! Ha Ha! I'm here all week folks.) and they meet up and live in the fluffy uterus for 9 months. They said it could happen at any time...boy were they wrong about that whole timing thing.
I'm trying to pass this 2ww by not thinking about fertility or my lack thereof. I've been doing a pretty good job. So good in fact, that I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Thank goodness I'm far enough away from ovulation and from AF that missing one day isn't going to make or break my cycle. Plus, with the warm weather and sunshine I have a lot more to think about. I can't wait until they come and finish our yard. I'm itching like crazy to plant some flowers and hang some flower baskets and get some deck boxes for the back deck. I've never been much on planting until we were trying to sell the old house and wanted to spruce up the outside. I loved watering and watching things grow and bloom. Especially because I'm not a green thumb so I have no idea what most of the plants were that I planted, so each one was a surprise as it grew. :-) I bought some big flower pots that I'd like to fill this weekend to get some color until they finish our yard. I can't wait!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
7dpo
It's that time of my cycle where every little cramp and twinge is analyzed and I wonder if it's implantation cramping. It's been happening here and there for the last day or so and that would be about right as far as the timing goes. However, this happens almost on a monthly basis. So I have to sit and wait for another 5 to 7 days to see what happens. Always with the waiting.
On a happier note (as in my Happiness Is... post) my curtains came in early for the living room. I'm so excited. We hung them up on the new rod yesterday (which I got for only $25 which was 50% off) and they look great. There are some issues and I will detail them all to you at a later date. I need to get everything in order first. BUT, I love the curtains and how they hang all the way to the floor. We have some of my late Grandmother's paintings to hang and we need a ceiling fan/light and the room will be done. My Grandmother really could have made some money with her artwork. She painted 4 pictures of New Orleans post cards when I was about 3 or 4 years old. Somehow over the years, nothing happened to them with all of her moves and all of her clutter. I found them as I was going through her things after she passed away. They are beautiful. BJ loves them...as does everyone else that has seen them. They were perfect at our old house and they will be perfect at this house too (if I could just figure out where to hang them in the living room). It's like they were meant just for me, no matter where I am. I will try to post them one day but digital pictures probably will not convey their beauty. The old curtains, that were too short, will go up in the spare bedroom...bedroom #4 that was supposed to be the nursery but is now my temporary scrapping room.
BJ and I are going to try and get away within the next few weeks before baseball starts. We haven't gone anywhere since July (during our IVF) and it's been a long time coming. I hope we can get something planned...especially since it's starting to warm up outside. We usually go away 3 times a year together and at least once with the Little Guy. Not sure what the plan will be this year.
Thank you for your warm comments on my post about my mother. I have so much to say about her and our relationship that it's hard to find the time to get it all out. My sister is in therapy and she said that they talk about our mother a lot. I think getting all of my 'mother' story out there will be therapeutic as well. Stay tuned for a very drama filled story. :-)
On a happier note (as in my Happiness Is... post) my curtains came in early for the living room. I'm so excited. We hung them up on the new rod yesterday (which I got for only $25 which was 50% off) and they look great. There are some issues and I will detail them all to you at a later date. I need to get everything in order first. BUT, I love the curtains and how they hang all the way to the floor. We have some of my late Grandmother's paintings to hang and we need a ceiling fan/light and the room will be done. My Grandmother really could have made some money with her artwork. She painted 4 pictures of New Orleans post cards when I was about 3 or 4 years old. Somehow over the years, nothing happened to them with all of her moves and all of her clutter. I found them as I was going through her things after she passed away. They are beautiful. BJ loves them...as does everyone else that has seen them. They were perfect at our old house and they will be perfect at this house too (if I could just figure out where to hang them in the living room). It's like they were meant just for me, no matter where I am. I will try to post them one day but digital pictures probably will not convey their beauty. The old curtains, that were too short, will go up in the spare bedroom...bedroom #4 that was supposed to be the nursery but is now my temporary scrapping room.
BJ and I are going to try and get away within the next few weeks before baseball starts. We haven't gone anywhere since July (during our IVF) and it's been a long time coming. I hope we can get something planned...especially since it's starting to warm up outside. We usually go away 3 times a year together and at least once with the Little Guy. Not sure what the plan will be this year.
Thank you for your warm comments on my post about my mother. I have so much to say about her and our relationship that it's hard to find the time to get it all out. My sister is in therapy and she said that they talk about our mother a lot. I think getting all of my 'mother' story out there will be therapeutic as well. Stay tuned for a very drama filled story. :-)
Happiness Is...
- my living room curtains coming in 2 1/2 months EARLY! We picked them up Saturday and officially hung them yesterday evening. Love them! Now we just need to hang the pictures, get a ceiling fan/light and I can actually call the room done.
- knowing how warm it's going to be the rest of the week....upper 60's! It's getting to be pedicure weather! Yay
- buying a yoga mat and doing pilates in my own bedroom...without hitting any furniture. It's nice to have space to do things like that at home.
- snacking on a nice and sweet clementine for breakfast. My boss brings them in occasionally for us and I like to have a few when she does.
- Saturday afternoon naps with my hubby. I love snuggling with him on the couch and just drifting off for an hour or so. And it's really nice because we don't have to worry about not being able to sleep that night. We have a rule of no naps on Sunday but we sometimes break that one and end up paying for it when we're still up at 11:00pm. But it's so nice to nap together...
- knowing how warm it's going to be the rest of the week....upper 60's! It's getting to be pedicure weather! Yay
- buying a yoga mat and doing pilates in my own bedroom...without hitting any furniture. It's nice to have space to do things like that at home.
- snacking on a nice and sweet clementine for breakfast. My boss brings them in occasionally for us and I like to have a few when she does.
- Saturday afternoon naps with my hubby. I love snuggling with him on the couch and just drifting off for an hour or so. And it's really nice because we don't have to worry about not being able to sleep that night. We have a rule of no naps on Sunday but we sometimes break that one and end up paying for it when we're still up at 11:00pm. But it's so nice to nap together...
Monday, March 15, 2010
My Mother and My Cat
There is so much back story that I could tell (and will tell, eventually) about my mother and my cat. Each of them are very big entities in my life. This post will make a lot more sense once I decide to put myself through the emotional turmoil and explain more about my mother. But for now, I needed to let everyone know that I had an epiphany over the weekend.
Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.
When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:
"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"
And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:
"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."
BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.
She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.
And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.
How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?
Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.
When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:
"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"
And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:
"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."
BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.
She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.
And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.
How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?
Friday, March 12, 2010
3dpo
As the title states, according to FF, I'm 3dpo. I figured it would tell me that. And that is what I am going to go with since I still had a positive opk on Monday. I'm fine with that. Not really, but there's nothing I can do to change it. Especially since there were extenuating circumstances with me being sick and all. So I move on.
There's some sort of switch that flips once my ovulation is detected (or entered by me) on my chart. I get more giddy. I get more hopeful. I start thinking about a possible due date, and telling BJ and telling the Little Guy and my parents. I don't know why I do this. It's pure torture on myself but I do it. You would think I would learn. You would think I wouldn't do this to myself month after month. But I do. It seems I can't help myself. And because I know so much about reproduction, I know pretty much everything that should be happening in my body if there is a fertilized embryo. Sometimes, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. Isn't there a saying that goes something like "ignorance is bliss"? When it comes to TTC I think there is a certain level of ignorance that can be bliss.
I'm doing something for myself today. I'm leaving in 10 minutes to get my hair cut. Normally, I would be driving about 20 miles tomorrow to see my regular girl that has been cutting and coloring (highlighting) my hair for about 6 years now. She quit the salon and they won't tell me where she went. I'm so picky about who cuts my hair. The highlighting is not such a big deal, but the cut is very important. I've gone to 2 people and been very unhappy with my hair the 2 times I was desperate and couldn't go to my girl. I am using a gift certificate today at a downtown salon for my hair cut. Then tomorrow I will probably go to a walk in place to get my highlights done. The downtown place charges a minimum of $150 for highlights and $85 for a haircut. To some that may seem like a bargain. To me, it's highway robbery. Especially since my girl can do both for under $100. I'm glad I have the gift card. I'm so overdue for a cut...my hair is too long. It gets in the way (and it was very in the way the other night during baby making, wink, wink) and usually ends up behind my ears. BJ hates that, and I actually do too. I'm looking forward to feeling "fresh" and getting a good shampoo and a little pampering.
We have baseball tryouts that will get rained out tomorrow. We are hoping that the rain date (Sunday) doesn't get rained out as well. Fingers crossed. And we have to hit the grocery store...blech! But other than that, we don't really have any plans this weekend. So I'm going to dance around (thanks for the suggestion) in my bucket of hope and promise and torture myself with baby thinking. :-) I hope you all have a great weekend.
ETA: just got back from getting my hair cut. It looks so much better! And it feels so much better! So glad I went. And since I got some of the blond highlights cut out, it doesn't look as obvious that I need to get my roots done. yay!
There's some sort of switch that flips once my ovulation is detected (or entered by me) on my chart. I get more giddy. I get more hopeful. I start thinking about a possible due date, and telling BJ and telling the Little Guy and my parents. I don't know why I do this. It's pure torture on myself but I do it. You would think I would learn. You would think I wouldn't do this to myself month after month. But I do. It seems I can't help myself. And because I know so much about reproduction, I know pretty much everything that should be happening in my body if there is a fertilized embryo. Sometimes, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. Isn't there a saying that goes something like "ignorance is bliss"? When it comes to TTC I think there is a certain level of ignorance that can be bliss.
I'm doing something for myself today. I'm leaving in 10 minutes to get my hair cut. Normally, I would be driving about 20 miles tomorrow to see my regular girl that has been cutting and coloring (highlighting) my hair for about 6 years now. She quit the salon and they won't tell me where she went. I'm so picky about who cuts my hair. The highlighting is not such a big deal, but the cut is very important. I've gone to 2 people and been very unhappy with my hair the 2 times I was desperate and couldn't go to my girl. I am using a gift certificate today at a downtown salon for my hair cut. Then tomorrow I will probably go to a walk in place to get my highlights done. The downtown place charges a minimum of $150 for highlights and $85 for a haircut. To some that may seem like a bargain. To me, it's highway robbery. Especially since my girl can do both for under $100. I'm glad I have the gift card. I'm so overdue for a cut...my hair is too long. It gets in the way (and it was very in the way the other night during baby making, wink, wink) and usually ends up behind my ears. BJ hates that, and I actually do too. I'm looking forward to feeling "fresh" and getting a good shampoo and a little pampering.
We have baseball tryouts that will get rained out tomorrow. We are hoping that the rain date (Sunday) doesn't get rained out as well. Fingers crossed. And we have to hit the grocery store...blech! But other than that, we don't really have any plans this weekend. So I'm going to dance around (thanks for the suggestion) in my bucket of hope and promise and torture myself with baby thinking. :-) I hope you all have a great weekend.
ETA: just got back from getting my hair cut. It looks so much better! And it feels so much better! So glad I went. And since I got some of the blond highlights cut out, it doesn't look as obvious that I need to get my roots done. yay!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The 2ww
Although FF hasn't yet confirmed, I'm sure I'm in the 2ww. All the signs and my spiked temperature let me know that. This cycle has been a bit different than my pre-ivf cycles, as you read about the other day. Normally, my temperature doesn't spike the day after I ovulate, it waits another day. So imagine my surprise when it spiked yesterday, Wednesday. If (and that's a huge IF) anything is back to normal then that would mean that I did, indeed ovulate on Monday. And that would mean that we hit our timing perfect with our BD session on Sunday. I really wish I could make more sense out of things sometimes. I don't know what to believe so I just have to go with the facts that I have:
positive opk's on Sunday and Monday
temperature spike Wednesday
I actually had some ewcm, too, over the weekend...go me.
Yeah...I'm in the 2ww.
I haven't called the doctor that my tax lady suggested. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really don't want to be told that my only option is IVF. Even though I pretty much know that is the case. It hurts to hear it from a professional. There's no money for another IVF. At least not this year. I might still give him a call, but with him not taking any insurance we definitely don't have the money to pay for any tests he'd want to do. We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow.
I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever right now. And I must say it's putting me into a bit of a panic. I'm turning 34 in May. We all know what turning 35 means...advanced maternal age. As someone that is pretty sure she has less than good eggs, the thought of turning yet another year older is extra scary. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be this age and still not have a child. Once I hit 34, I have only 12 months to get the job done. BJ will be 38 in September and he's definitely been dropping hints that he's getting too old for this baby quest. I don't blame him one bit. I know there are women older than me that have great success with pregnancies and parenting over the age of 35, but I know in my heart that it's not for me and my husband. I'm happy for anyone that can achieve their dream of parenthood when it's right for them. Getting pregnant after 35 is not going to happen to me. I will take steps to prevent it. It's easy to say that now, I know. But in reality, I've given myself 5 more years than I did originally. Back when I had truck loads of hope and promise. Now I have a bucket full of those things and I know the reality.
But I can't think about that right now. It's just too depressing. Right now, I want to take my bucket of hope and promise and stand in it...at least for the next 2 weeks. I want to hope that there is a healthy embryo traveling towards my ever welcoming uterus. I want to go forth with promise in my heart that we created a new life.
It's going to be a long 2 weeks.
positive opk's on Sunday and Monday
temperature spike Wednesday
I actually had some ewcm, too, over the weekend...go me.
Yeah...I'm in the 2ww.
I haven't called the doctor that my tax lady suggested. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really don't want to be told that my only option is IVF. Even though I pretty much know that is the case. It hurts to hear it from a professional. There's no money for another IVF. At least not this year. I might still give him a call, but with him not taking any insurance we definitely don't have the money to pay for any tests he'd want to do. We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow.
I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever right now. And I must say it's putting me into a bit of a panic. I'm turning 34 in May. We all know what turning 35 means...advanced maternal age. As someone that is pretty sure she has less than good eggs, the thought of turning yet another year older is extra scary. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be this age and still not have a child. Once I hit 34, I have only 12 months to get the job done. BJ will be 38 in September and he's definitely been dropping hints that he's getting too old for this baby quest. I don't blame him one bit. I know there are women older than me that have great success with pregnancies and parenting over the age of 35, but I know in my heart that it's not for me and my husband. I'm happy for anyone that can achieve their dream of parenthood when it's right for them. Getting pregnant after 35 is not going to happen to me. I will take steps to prevent it. It's easy to say that now, I know. But in reality, I've given myself 5 more years than I did originally. Back when I had truck loads of hope and promise. Now I have a bucket full of those things and I know the reality.
But I can't think about that right now. It's just too depressing. Right now, I want to take my bucket of hope and promise and stand in it...at least for the next 2 weeks. I want to hope that there is a healthy embryo traveling towards my ever welcoming uterus. I want to go forth with promise in my heart that we created a new life.
It's going to be a long 2 weeks.
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